Chapter 2

O'Connell took his place with a lounging swagger, but his first ball was caught by the immortal Sibthorp, who uttered more puns on the occasion than the oldest man present recollected to have heard perpetrated in any given time. Russell--who, by the bye, excavated several quarts of 'heavy' during his innings--was the last man the Rads had to put in. He played with care, and appeared disposed to keep hold of the bat as long as possible. He was, however, quietly disposed of by one of Peel's inexorable balls.

Thus far the game has proceeded. The Cons have yet to _go in_. The general opinion is, that they will not remain in so long as the Rads, but that they will score their notches much quicker. Indeed, it was commonly remarked, that no players had ever remained in so long, and had done so little good withal, as the Reformites.

Betting is at 100 to 5 in favour of the Carlton men, and anxiety is on tip-toe to know the result of the next innings.

* * * * *

The Tories are exulting in their recent victory over the poor Whigs, whom they affirm have been _tried_, and found wanting. A _trial_, indeed, where all the jurors were witnesses for the prosecution. One thing is certain, that the country, as usual, will have to pay the costs, for a Tory verdict will be certain to carry them. The Whigs should prepare a motion for a new trial, on the plea that the late decision was that of

* * * * *

DECIDEDLY UNPLEASANT.

"Kiss the broad moon."--MARTINUZZI.

Go kiss the moon!--that's more, sirs, than I can dare; 'Tis worse than madness--hasn't she her man there?

* * * * *

CURIOUS COINCIDENCE.

The _Morning Advertiser_ has a paragraph containing a report of an extraordinary indisposition under which a private of the Royal Guards is now suffering. It appears he lately received a violent kick from a horse, on the back of his head: since which time his hair has become so sensitive, that he cannot bear any one to approach him or touch it. On some portion being cut off by stratagem, he evinced the utmost disgust, accompanied with a volley of oaths. This may be wonderful in French hair, but it is nothing to the present sufferings of the Whigs in England.

* * * * *

THE BARTHOLOMEW FAIR SHOW-FOLKS.

Punch having been chosen by the unanimous voice of the public--the _arbiter elegantiarum_ in all matters relating to science, literature, and the fine arts--and from his long professional experience, being the only person in England competent to regulate the public amusements of the people, the Lord Mayor of London has confided to him the delicate and important duty of deciding upon the claims of the several individuals applying for licenses to open show-booths during the approaching Bartholomew Fair. Punch, having called to his assistance Sir Peter Laurie and Peter Borthwick, proceeded, on last Saturday, to hold his inquisition in a highly-respectable court in the neighbourhood of West Smithfield.

The first application was made on behalf of _Richardson's Booth_, by two individuals named Melbourne and Russell.

PUNCH.--On what grounds do you claim?

MEL.--On those of long occupancy and respectability, my lord.

RUSS.--We employs none but the werry best of actors, my lud--all "bould speakers," as my late wenerated manager, Muster Richardson, used to call 'em.

MEL.--We have the best scenery and decorations, the most popular performances--

RUSS.--Hem! (_aside to_ MEL.)--Best say nothing about our performances, Mel.

PUNCH.--Pray what situations do you respectively hold in the booth?

MEL.--_I_ am principal manager, and do the heavy tragedy business. My friend, here, is the stage-manager and low comedy buffer, who takes the kicks, and blows the trumpet of the establishment.

PUNCH.--What is the nature of the entertainments you have been in the habit of producing?

RUSS.--Oh! the real legitimate drammar--"A New Way to Pay Old Debts," "Raising the Wind," "A Gentleman in Difficulties," "Where shall I dine?" and "Honest Thieves." We mean to commence the present season with "All in the wrong," and "His Last Legs."

PUNCH.--Humph! I am sorry to say I have received several complaints of the manner in which you have conducted the business of your establishment for several years. It appears you put forth bills promising wonders, while your performances have been of the lowest possible description.

RUSS.--S'elp me, Bob! there ain't a word of truth in it. If there's anything we takes pride on, 'tis our gentility.

PUNCH.--You have degraded the drama by the introduction of card-shufflers and thimble-rig impostors.

RUSS.--We denies the thimble-rigging in totum, my lud; that was brought out at Stanley's opposition booth.

PUNCH.--At least you were a promoter of state conjuring and legerdemain tricks on the stage.

RUSS.--Only a little hanky-panky, my lud. The people likes it; they loves to be cheated before their faces. One, two, three--presto--begone. I'll show your ludship as pretty a trick of putting a piece of money in your eye and taking it out of your elbow, as you ever beheld. _Has_ your ludship got such a thing as a good shilling about you? 'Pon my honour, I'll return it.

PUNCH.--Be more respectful, sir, and reply to my questions. It appears further, that several respectable persons have lost their honesty in your booth.

RUSS.--Very little of that 'ere commodity is ever brought into it, my lud.

PUNCH.--And, in short, that you and your colleagues' hands have been frequently found in the pockets of your audience.

RUSS.--Only in a professional way, my lud--strictly professional.

PUNCH.--But the most serious charge of all is that, on a recent occasion, when the audience hissed your performances, you put out the lights, let in the swell-mob, and raised a cry of "No Corn Laws."

RUSS.--Why, my lud, on that p'int I admit there was a slight row.

PUNCH.--Enough, sir. The court considers you have grossly misconducted yourself, and refuses to grant you license to perform.

MEL.--But, my lord, I protest _I did_ nothing.

PUNCH.--So everybody says, sir. You are therefore unfit to have the management of (next to my own) the greatest theatre in the world. You may retire.

MEL. (_to_ RUSS.)--Oh! Johnny, this is your work--with your confounded hanky-panky.

RUSS.--No--'twas you that did it; we have been ruined by your laziness. What _is_ to become of us now?

MEL.--Alas! where shall we dine?

* * * * *

The next individual who presented himself, to obtain a license for the Carlton Club Equestrian Troop, was a strange-loooking character, who gave his name as Sibthorp.

PUNCH.--What are you, sir?

SIB.--Clown to the ring, my lord, and principal performer on the Salt-box. I provide my own paint and pipe-clay, make my own jokes, and laugh at them too. I do the ground and lofty tumbling, and ride the wonderful donkey--all for the small sum of fifteen bob a-week.

PUNCH.--You have been represented as a very noisy and turbulent fellow.

SIB.--Meek as a lamb, my lord, except when I'm on the saw-dust; there I acknowledge, I do crow pretty loudly--but that's in the way of business,--and your lordship knows that we public jokers must pitch it strong sometimes to make our audience laugh, and bring the _browns_ into the treasury. After all, my lord, I am not the rogue many people take me for,--more the other way, I can assure you, and

"Though to my share some human errors fall, Look in my face, and you'll forget them all."

PUNCH.--A strong appeal, I must confess. You shall have your license.

The successful claimant having made his best bow to Commissioner Punch, withdrew, whistling the national air of

* * * * *

A fellow named Peel, who has been for many years in the habit of exhibiting as a quack-doctor, next applied for liberty to vend his nostrums at the fair. On being questioned as to his qualifications, he shook his head gravely, and, without uttering a word, placed the following card in the hands of Punch.

TO THE GULLIBLE PUBLIC.

SIR RHUBARB PILL, M.D. and L.S.D.

Professor of Political Chemistry and Conservative Medicine to the

CARLTON CLUB;

PHYSICIAN IN ORDINARY TO THE KING OF HANOVER!!!

Inventor of the People's Patent Sliding Stomach-pump;--of the Poor Man's anti-Breakfast and Dinner Waist-belt;--and of the new Royal extract of Toryism, as prescribed for, and lately swallowed by,

THE MOST ILLUSTRIOUS PERSONAGE IN THESE DOMINIONS.

Sir Rhubarb begs further to state, that he practises national tooth-drawing and bleeding to an unlimited extent; and undertakes to cure the consumption of bread without the use of

A FIXED PLASTER.

N.B.--No connexion with the corn doctor who recently vacated the concern now occupied by Sir R.P.

Hours of attendance, from ten till four each day, at his establishment, Downing-street.--A private entrance for M.P.'s round the corner.

* * * * *

Ben D'Israeli, the proprietor of the Learned Pig, applied for permission to exhibit his animal at the fair. A license was unhesitatingly granted by his lordship, who rightly considered that the exhibition of the extraordinary talents of the pig and its master, would do much to promote a taste for polite literature amongst the Smithneld "pennyboys."

* * * * *

A poor old man, who called himself Sir Francis Burdett, applied for a license to exhibit his wonderful Dissolving Views. The most remarkable of which were--"The Hustings in Covent-garden--changing to Rous's dinner in Drury-lane"--and "The Patriot in the Tower--changing to the Renegade in the Carlton." It appeared that the applicant was, at one time, in a respectable business, and kept "The Old Glory," a favourite public-house in Westminster, but, falling into bad company, he lost his custom and his character, and was reduced to his present miserable occupation. Punch, in pity for the wretched petitioner, and fully convinced that his childish tricks were perfectly harmless, granted him a license to exhibit.

* * * * *

Licenses were also granted to the following persons in the course of the day:--

Sir E.L. Bulwer, to exhibit his own portrait, in the character of Alcibiades, painted by himself.

Doctor Bowring, to exhibit six Tartarian chiefs, caught in the vicinity of the Seven Dials, with songs, translated from the original Irish Calmuc, by the Doctor.

Emerson Tennent, to exhibit his wonderful Cosmorama, or views of anywhere and everywhere; in which the striking features of Ireland, Greece, Belgium, and Whitechapel will be so happily confounded, that the spectator may imagine he beholds any or all of these places at a single glance.

Messrs. Stephens, Heraud, and Co., to exhibit, gratis, a Syncretic Tragedy, with fireworks and tumbling, according to law, between the acts; to be followed by a lecture on the Unactable Drama.

* * * * *

CAPITAL ILLUSTRATION.

At the recent _fracas_ in Pall Mall, between Captain Fitzroy and Mr. Shepherd, the latter, like his predecessor of old, the "Gentle Shepherd," performed sundry vague evolutions with a silver-mounted cane, and requested Captain Fitzroy to consider himself horsewhipped. Not entertaining quite so high an opinion of his adversary's imaginative powers, the Captain floored the said descendant of gentleness, thereby ably illustrating the precise difference of the "_real and ideal_."

* * * * *

THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.

CHAPTER II.

SHOWS HOW AGAMEMNON BECAME DISGUSTED WITH NUMBER ONE, AND THE AWFUL CONSEQUENCES WHICH SUCCEEDED.

* * * * *

THE LETTER OF INTRODUCTION.

[From a MS. drama called the "COURT OF VICTORIA."

_Scene in Windsor Castle._

[_Her Majesty discovered sitting thoughtfully at an escrutoire._--

_Enter the_ LORD CHAMBERLAIN.]

LORD CHAMBERLAIN.--May it please your Majesty, a letter from the Duke of Wellington.

THE QUEEN (_opens the letter_.)--Oh! a person for the vacant place of Premier--show the bearer in, my lord. [_Exit_ LORD CHAMBERLAIN.

THE QUEEN (_muses_).--Sir Robert Peel--I have heard that name before, as connected with my family. If I remember rightly, he held the situation of adviser to the crown in the reign of Uncle William, and was discharged for exacting a large discount on all the state receipts; yet Wellington is very much interested in his favour.

_Enter the_ LORD CHAMBERLAIN, _who ushers in_ SIR ROBERT, _and then retires. As he is going_--]

LORD CHAMBERLAIN (_aside_).--If you do get the berth, Sir Robert, I hope you'll not give me warning. [_Exit_.

SIR ROBERT (_looking demurely_).--Hem!

[_The Queen regards him very attentively._]

THE QUEEN (_aside_).--I don't much like the looks of the fellow--that affectation of simplicity is evidently intended to conceal the real cunning of his character. (_Aloud_). You are of course aware of the nature and the duties of the situation which you solicit?

SIR ROBERT.--Oh, yes, your Majesty; I have filled it before, and liked it very much.

THE QUEEN.--It's a most responsible post, for upon your conduct much of the happiness of my other servants depends.

SIR ROBERT.--I am aware of that, your Majesty; but as no one can hope to please everybody, I will only answer that _one half_ shall be perfectly satisfied.

THE QUEEN.--You have recently returned from Tamworth?

SIR ROBERT.--Yes, your Majesty.

THE QUEEN.--We will dispense with forms. At Tamworth, you have been practising as a quack doctor?

SIR ROBERT.--Yes, madam; I was brought up to doctoring, and am a professor of sleight-of-hand.

THE QUEEN.--What have you done in the latter art to entitle you to such a distinction?

SIR ROBERT.--I have performed some very wonderful changes. When I was out of place, I had opinions strongly opposed to Catholic emancipation; but when I got into service I changed them in the course of a few days.

THE QUEEN.--I have heard that you boast of possessing a nostrum for the restoration of the public good. What is it?

SIR ROBERT.--Am I to consider myself "as regularly called in?"

THE QUEEN.--That is a question I decline answering at present.

SIR ROBERT.--Then I regret that I must also remain silent.

THE QUEEN (_aside_).--The wily fox! (_aloud_)--Are you aware that great distress exists in the country?

SIR ROBERT.--Oh, yes! I have heard that there are several families who keep no man-servant, and that numerous clerks, weavers, and other artisans, occupy second-floors.

THE QUEEN.--I have heard that the people are wanting bread.

SIR ROBERT.--Ha, ha! that was from the late premier, I suppose. He merely forgot an adjective--it is _cheap_ bread that the people are clamouring for.

THE QUEEN.--And why can they not have it?

SIR ROBERT.--I have consulted with the Duke of Richmond upon the subject, and he says it is impossible.

THE QUEEN.--But why?

SIR ROBERT.--Wheat must be lower before bread can be cheaper.

THE QUEEN.--Well!

SIR ROBERT.--And rents must be less if that is the case, and--

THE QUEEN.--Well!

SIR ROBERT.--And that the landowners won't agree to.

THE QUEEN.--Well!

SIR ROBERT.--And, then, I can't keep my place a day.

THE QUEEN.--Then the majority of my subjects are to be rendered miserable for the advantage of the few?

SIR ROBERT.--That's the principle of all good governments. Besides, cheap bread would be no benefit to the masses, for wages would be lower.