Chapter 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 1.

FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 23, 1841.

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THE GREAT CREATURE.

Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was a tall young man, a thin young man, a pale young man, and, as some of his friends asserted, a decidedly knock-kneed young man. Moreover he was a young man belonging to and connected with the highly respectable firm of Messrs. Tims and Swindle, attorneys and bill-discounters, of Thavies'-inn, Holborn; from the which highly respectable firm Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk received a salary of one pound one shilling per week, in requital for his manifold services. The vocation in which Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk laboured partook peculiarly of the peripatetic; for at all sorts of hours, and through all sorts of streets was Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk daily accustomed to transport his anatomy--presenting overdue bills, inquiring after absent acceptors, invisible indorsers, and departed drawers, for his masters, and wearing out, as he Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk eloquently expressed it, "no end of boots for himself." Such was the occupation by which Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk lived; but such was not the peculiar path to fame for which his soul longed. No! "he had seen plays, and longed to blaze upon the stage a star of light."

That portion of time which was facetiously called by Messrs. Tims and Swindle "the leisure" of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, being some eight hours out of the twenty-four, was spent in poring over the glorious pages of the immortal bard; and in the desperate enthusiasm of his heated genius would he, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, suddenly burst forth in some of the most exciting passages, and with Stentorian lungs "render night hideous" to the startled inhabitant of the one-pair-back, adjoining the receptacle of his own truckle-bed and mortal frame.

Luck, whether good or evil, begat Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk an introduction to some other talented young gentlemen, who had so far progressed in histrionic acquirements, that from spouting themselves, they had taken to spouting their watches, and other stray articles of small value, to enable them to pay the charges of a private theatre, where, as often as they could raise the needful, they astonished and delighted their wondering friends. Among this worshipful society was Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk adopted and enrolled as a trusty and well-beloved member; and in the above-named private theatre, in suit of solemn black, slightly relieved by an enormous white handkerchief, and a well-chalked countenance, did Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, at or about the hour of half past eight--being precisely sixty minutes behind the period announced, in consequence of the non-arrival of the one fiddle and ditto flute comprising, or rather that ought to have comprised, the orchestra--made his début, and a particularly nervous bow to the good folks there assembled, "as and for" the character "of Hamlet, the Danish Prince."

To describe the "exclamations of delight," the "tornadoes of applause," the earthquakes of rapture, or the "breathless breathing" of the entranced audience, would beat Mr. Bunn into fits, and the German company into fiddle-cases; so, like a newspaper legacy, which is the only one that never pays duty, we "_leave_ it to our reader's imagination."

The die was cast. Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's former avocations became intensely irksome--if he served a writ it was no longer a "writ of right." Copies for "Jenkins" were consigned to "Tompkins;" "Brown" declined pleading to "Smith" and Smith declared off Brown's declaration. In inquiries after "solvent acceptors," Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was still more abroad. In the mystification of his brains, all answers seemed to be delivered "per contra." Forlorn hopes on three-and sixpenny stamps were converted into the circulating medium; "good actors" were considered "good men" in the very reverse of Shylock's acceptation of the term; and astonished indorsers succeeded in "raising the wind" upon "kites" they would have bet any odds no "wind in the world could induce to fly." Everything in this world must come to an end--bills generally do in three months: so did these, and so did Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's responsible and peripatetic avocations in the highly respectable firm of Messrs. Tims and Swindle, attorneys, and to their cost, through the agency of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, bill-discounters, of Thavies' Inn, Holborn; they, the said highly respectable firm of Tims and Swindle, handing over to Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk the sum of four and tenpence, being the balance of his quarter's salary, which, so great was Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's opinion of the solvency of the said highly respectable firm, he had allowed to remain undrawn in their hands, together with a note utterly and totally declining any further service or assistance as "_in_" or "_out_door" or any sort of clerk at all, from Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, and amiably recommending the said Horatio to apply elsewhere for a character; the which advice Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk attended to instanter, and received, in consideration of the sum of thirty shillings, that of "Richard the Third" from the Dramatic Committee of Catherine Street. If Hamlet was good, Richard (among the amateurs) was better; and if Richard was better, Shylock (at "one five") was best, and Romeo and all the rest better still: and it may be worthy of remark, that there is no person on earth looked upon by admiring managers as more certain of success than the "promising young man who PAYS for his parts."

Now it so happened that Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's purse became an exceedingly "Iago"-like, "something, nothing, trashy" sort of affair--in other words, that its owner, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, was regularly stumped; and as the Amateur Dramatic Theatrical Committee "always go upon the _no pay no play system_," Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was about to incur the fate of Lord John Russell's tragedy, and become regularly "shelved."

In this dilemma Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk addressed all sorts of letters to all sorts of managers, offering himself for all sorts of salaries, to play the best of all sorts of business, but never received any sort of answer from one of them! Returning to his solitary lodging, after a fortnight's "half and half" of patience and despair, and just as despair was walking poor patience to Old Harry, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk encountered one of his histrionic acquaintance, who did the "three and sixpenny walking gents," and dramatic general postmen, or letter-deliverers, at "the Private." In the course of the enlightened conversation between the said friend, Mr. Julius Dilberry Pipps, and Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, Julius Dilberry Pipps expressed an earnest wish that he "might be blowed considerably tighter than the Vauxhall balloon if ever he _see_ such a likeness of Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam," the "great actor of the day," as his "_bussom_ and intimate," Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk! A nervous pressure of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk's "pickers and stealers" having nearly reduced to one vast chaos the severely compressed digits of the enthusiastic Julius Dilberry Pipps, the invisible green broad-cloth envelopments and drab lower encasements, crowned with gossamer and based with calf-skin, wherein the total outward man of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk was enrobed, together with his ambulating anatomy, evanished from the startled gaze of the deserted and finger-contused Julius Dilberry Pipps! Having asserted the entire realisation of his hastily-formed wish, in the emphatic words, "Well, I _am_ blowed!" and a further comment, stating his conviction that "this was _rayther_ a rummy go," Mr. Julius Dilberry Pipps reduced his exchequer the gross amount of threepence, paid in consideration of the instant receipt of "a pint o'porter and screw," to the fumigation of which he applied with such excessive vigour, that in a few moments he might be said, by his own exertions in "blowing a cloud," to be corporeally as well as mentally "in nubibus."

To account for the rapid departure of Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, we must inform our readers the supposed similarity alluded to by Julius Dilberry Pipps, between the "great creature," Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam, and Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, had been before frequently insisted upon: and this assertion of the obtuse Julius Dilberry Pipps now seemed "confirmation strong as proof of holy writ." Agitated with conflicting emotions, and regardless of small children and apple-stalls, Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk rushed on with headlong speed, every now and then ejaculating, "I'll do it, I'll do it!" A sudden overhauling of his pockets produced some stray halfpence; master of a "Queen's head," a sheet of vellum, a new "Mordaunt," and an "envelope," Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, arrived at his three-pair-back, indited an epistle to the manager at the town of ----, with extraordinary haste signed the document, and, in "the hurry of the moment," left the inscription thus--H.F. FITZFLAM! The morrow's post brought an answer; the terms were acceded to, the night appointed for his opening; and Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk found, upon inspecting the proof of the playbill, the name in full of "_Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam_," "the great tragedian of the day!"

Pass we over the intervening space, and at once come to the momentous morning of rehearsal. The expected Roscius arrived like punctuality's self, at the appointed minute, was duly received by the company, who had previously been canvassing his merits, and assuring each other that all stars were _muffs_, but Fitzflam one of the most impudent impostors that ever moved. "I, sir," said the leader of the discontented fifteen-shillings-a-week-when-they-could-get-it squad, "I have been in the _profession_ more years than this fellow has months, and he is getting hundreds where I am neglected: never mind! only give me a chance, and I'll show him up. But I suppose the management--(pretty management, to engage such a chap when I'm here)--I suppose they will truckle to him, and send me on, as usual, for some wretched old bloke there's no getting a hand in. John Kemble himself (and I'm told I'm in his style), I say, John Kemble, my prototype, the now immortal John, never got applause in '_Blokes!_'--But never mind." As a genealogist would say, "Fitz the son of Funk" never more truly represented his ancestral cognomen than on this trying occasion. He was no longer with amateurs, but regulars,--fellows that could "talk and get on somehow;" that were never known to stick in Richard, when they remembered a speech from George Barnwell; men with "swallows" like Thames tunnels: in fact, accomplished "gaggers" and unrivalled "wing watchers." However, as Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk spoke to none of them, crossed where he liked, cut out most of _their_ best speeches, and turned _all_ their _backs_ to the audience, he passed muster exceedingly well, and acted the genuine star with considerable effect. So it was at night. Some folks objected to his knees, to be sure; but then they were silenced--"What! Fitzflam's knees bad! Nonsense! Fitzflam is the thing in London; and do you think Fitzflam ought to be decried in the provinces? hasn't he been lithographed by Lane? Pooh! impudence! spite!" The great _name_ made Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk "the great man," and all went swimmingly. On the last night of his engagement, the night devoted to his benefit, the house was crammed, and Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk, reflecting that all was "cock sure," as he should pocket the proceeds and return to London undiscovered, was elevated to Mahomet's seventh heaven of happiness, awaiting with impatience the prompter's whistle and the raising of the curtain: where for a time we will leave him, and attend upon the real "Simon Pure"--the genuine and "old original Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam."

(_To be continued._)

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ATRY-ANGLE.

SIR R. PEEL has been recently so successful in fishing for adherents, that, since bobbing so cleverly for Wakley, he has baited his hook afresh, and intends to start for Minto House forthwith; having his eye upon a certain small fish that is ever seen _Russell_ing among the sedges in troubled waters. We trust Sir Bob will succeed this time in

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PUNCH'S COMMISSION TO INQUIRE INTO THE GENERAL DISTRESS.

I.--_Copy of a Letter from the Under Secretary of State to Punch._

Downing-street.

Sir,--Knowing that you are everywhere, the Secretary of State has desired me to request you will inquire into the alleged distress, and particularly into the fact of people who it is alleged are so unreasonable in their expectations of food, as to die because they cannot get any.

I have the honour to be, &c.

HORATIO FITZ-SPOONY

II.--_Copy of Punch's Letter to the Under Secretary of State._

Sir,--I have received your note. I am everywhere; but as everything is gay when I make my appearance, I have not seen much of the distress you speak of. I shall, however, make it my business to look the subject up, and will convey my report to the Government.

I think it no honour to be yours, &c.; but

I have the very great honour to be myself without any &c.

PUNCH.

In compliance with the above correspondence, Punch proceeded to make the necessary inquiries, and very soon was enabled to forward the following

REPORT ON THE PUBLIC DISTRESS.

_To Her Majesty's Secretary of State for the Home Department._

Sir,--In compliance with my undertaking to inquire into the public distress, I went into the manufacturing districts, where I had heard that several families were living in one room with nothing to eat, and no bed to lie upon. Now, though it is true that there are in some places as many as thirty people in one apartment, I do not think their case very distressing, because, at all events, they have the advantage of society, which could not be the case if they were residing in separate apartments. It is clear that their living together must be a matter of choice, because I found in the same town several extensive mansions inhabited by one or two people and a few servants; and there are also some hundreds of houses wholly untenanted. Now, if we multiply the houses by the rooms in them, and then divide by the number of the population, we should find that there will be an average of three attics and two-sitting-rooms for each family of five persons, or an attic and a half with one parlour for every two and a half individuals; and though one person and a half would find it inconvenient to occupy a sleeping room and three-quarters, I think my calculation will show you that the accounts of the insufficiency of lodging are gross and wicked exaggerations, only spread by designing persons to embarrass the Government.

With regard to the starvation part of the question, I have made every possible inquiry, and it is true that several people have died because they would not eat food; for the facts I shall bring to your notice will prove that no one can have perished from the _want_ of it. Now, after visiting a family, which I was told were in a famishing state, what was my surprise to observe a baker's shop exactly opposite their lodging, whilst a short way down the street there was a butcher's also! The family consisted of a husband and wife, four girls, eight boys, and an infant of three weeks old, making in all fifteen individuals. They told me they were literally dying of hunger, and that they had applied to the vestry, who had referred them to the guardians, who had referred them to the overseer, who had referred them to the relieving officer, who had gone out of town, and would be back in a week or two. Not even supposing there were a brief delay in attending to their case, at least by the proper authorities, you will perceive that I have already alluded to a baker's and a butcher's, _both_ (it will scarcely be believed at the Home-office) in the _very street_ the family were residing in. Being determined to judge for myself, I counted personally the number of four-pound loaves in the baker's window, which amounted to thirty-six, while there were twenty-five two-pound loaves on the shelves, to say nothing of fancy-bread and flour _ad libitum_. But let us take the loaves alone,

36 loaves, each weighing four pounds, Multiplied by 4 --- will give 144 pounds of wheaten bread; To which must be added 50 pounds (the weight of the 25 half-qtns.), --- Making a total of 194 pounds of good wholesome bread,

which, if divided amongst a family of fifteen, would give 12 pounds and 14 fractions of a pound to each individual. Knocking off the baby, for the sake of uniformity, and striking out the mother, both of whom might be supposed to take the fancy bread and the flour, which I have not included in my calculation, and in order to get even numbers, supposing that 194 pounds of bread might become 195 pounds by over weight, we should get the enormous quantity of fifteen full pounds weight of bread, or a stone and one-fourteenth, (more, positively, than anybody ought to eat), for the husband and each of the children (except the baby, who gets a moiety of the rolls) belonging to this _starving family_!!! You will see, Sir, how shamefully matters have been misrepresented by the Anti-Corn-Law demagogues; but let us now come to the butcher's meat.

It will hardly be credited that I counted no less than fourteen sheep hanging up in the shop I have alluded to, while there was a bullock being skinned in the back yard, and a countless quantity of liver and lights all over the premises. Knocking off the infant again for the sake of uniformity, you will perceive that the fourteen sheep would be one sheep each for every member of this family, including the mother, to whom we gave half the rolls and flour in the former case, and there still remains (to say nothing of the entire bullock for the baby of three weeks, which no one will deny to be sufficient) a large quantity of lights, et cetera, for the cat or dog, if there should be such a wilful extravagance in the family. With these facts I close my report, and I trust that you will see how thoroughly I have proved the assertion of the Duke of Wellington--that if there is distress, it must be in some way quite unconnected with a want of food, for there is plenty to eat in every part of the country.

I shall be happy to undertake further inquiries, and shall have no objection to consider myself regularly under Government.

Yours obediently,

PUNCH.

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THE TEA SERVICE ON SEA SERVICE.

LORD JOCELYN, in his recent work upon China, while writing upon the pastimes and amusements of the people, expresses great satisfaction at the entertainment afforded travellers in their private assemblies; though he confesses, as a general principle, he should always avoid making one in the more promiscuous

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THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.

CHAPTER VII.

CONTAINS A VERY FAIR BILL OF FARE.

wooed the thirsty revellers; and never since the unlucky dessert of Mother Eve have temptations been so willingly embraced. The carnage commenced--spoons dived into the jelly--knives lacerated the poultry and the raised pies--a colony of custards vanished in a moment--the elephants were demolished by "ivories[1]"--the sarcophagi were buried--and the glittering pagodas melted rapidly before the heat and the attacks of four little ladies in white muslin and pink sashes. The tanks of sherry and port were distributed by the young gentlemen into the glasses and over the dresses of the young ladies. The tipsy-cake, like the wreck of the _Royal George_, was rescued from the foaming ocean in which it had been imbedded. The diffident young gentlemen grew very red about the eyes, and very loquacious about the "next set after supper;" whilst the faces of the elderly ladies all over lie room looked like the red lamps on Westminster Bridge, and ought to have been beacons to warn the inexperienced that where they shone there was very little water. The violent clattering of the plates was at length succeeded by a succession of merry giggles and provoking little screams, occasioned by the rapid discharge of a park of _bonbons_.

[1] _Anglicè_, Teeth.--THE _one_ PIERCE.

Where the "slight predilection" was reciprocated, the Orlando Simses and the Tom Walkers were squeezing in beside the blushing idols of their worship and circling the waists of their divinities with their arms, in order to take up less room on the rout-stool.