Chapter 4

LORD JOHN RUSSELL--struck on the head by a large majority, and flung into a quandary.

LORD COTTENHAM--tripped up by a well-known member of the swell mob, and robbed of his seals.

MR. ROEBUCK--stripped and treated with barbarous inhumanity by a notorious bruiser named the _Times_. The unfortunate gentleman lies to the present moment _speechless_ from the injuries he has sustained.

LORD NORMANBY--stabbed with some sharp instrument, supposed to be Lord Stanley's tongue.

LORD MORPETH--struck in the dark by an original idea, from the effects of which he has not yet recovered.

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ROOT AND BRANCH.

Roebuck, in complaining of the stigmas cast by the _Times_ upon his pedigree, and vehemently insisting on the character of his family tree, was kindly assisted by Tom Duncombe, who declared the genus indisputable, as nobody could look in Roebuck's face without perceiving his family tree must have been the "plane-tree."

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SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--NO. 8.

You say I have forgot the vow I breath'd in days long past; But had I faithful been, that thou Hadst loved me to the last. _Without_ me, e'en a throne thou'dst scorn-- _With_ me, contented beg! False maid! 'tis not that I'm forsworn,-- The boot's on t'other leg.

Amidst the revel thou wast gay, The blithest with the song! Though thou believ'dst me far away, An exile at Boulogne. 'Twas then, and not till then, my heart To love thee did refuse; My vows became (false that thou art!)-- Another pair of shoes!

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AFFAIRS IN CHINA.

PRIVATE LETTER FROM A YOUNG OFFICER AT THE ENGLISH FACTORY, CANTON, TO HIS BROTHER IN ENGLAND.

DEAR TOM,--Everything is going on gloriously--the British arms are triumphant--and we now only require the Emperor of China's consent to our taking possession of his territory, which I am sorry to say there is at present no likelihood of obtaining. However, there is little doubt, if we be not all swept off by ague and cholera, that we shall be able to maintain our present position a few months longer. Our situation here would be very comfortable if we had anything to eat, except bad beef and worse biscuit; these, however, are but trifling inconveniences; and though we have no fresh meat, we have plenty of fish in the river. One of our men caught a fine one the other day, which was bought and cooked for the officers' mess, by which means we were all nearly destroyed--the fish unfortunately happening to be of a poisonous nature; in consequence of which a general order was issued the next day, forbidding the troops to catch or eat any more fish. The country around the factory is beautiful; but we deem it prudent to keep within the walls, as the Chinese are very expert at picking up stragglers, whom they usually strangle. Beyond this we cannot complain of our situation; fowls are extremely abundant, but I have not seen any, the inhabitants having carried them up the country along with their cattle and provisions of every description. The water here is so brackish that it is almost impossible to drink it; there are, however some wells of delicious water in the neighbourhood, which would be a real treasure to us if the Chinese had not poisoned them. Notwithstanding these unavoidable privations, the courage of our troops is indomitable; a detachment of the ----th regiment succeeded last week in taking possession of an island in the river, nearly half an acre in extent; it has, however, since been deemed advisable to relinquish this important conquest, owing to the muddy nature of the soil, into which several of our brave fellows sank to the middle, and were with difficulty extricated. A gallant affair took place a few days ago between two English men-of-war's boats and a Chinese market junk, which was taken after a resolute defence on the part of the Chinaman and his wife, who kept up a vigorous fire of pumpkins and water-melons upon our boats, until their supply was exhausted, when they were forced to surrender to British valour. The captured junk has since been cut up for the use of the forces. Though this unpleasant state of affairs has interrupted all formal intercourse between the Chinese and English, Captain Elliot has given a succession of balls to the occupants of a small mud fort near the shore, which I fear they did not relish, as several of them appeared exceedingly hurt, and removed with remarkable celerity out of reach of the Captain's civilities. Thus, instead of opening the trade, this proceeding has only served to open the breach. The Emperor, I hear, is enraged at our successes, and has ordered the head and tail of the mandarin, Keshin, to be sent in pickle to the imperial court at Pekin. A new mandarin has arrived, who has presented a chop to Captain Elliott, but I hope, where there is so much at stake, that he will not be put off with a chop. There is no description of tea to be had in the market now but gunpowder, which, by the last reports, is going off briskly. Our amusements are not very numerous, being chiefly confined to yawning and sleeping; of this latter recreation I must confess that we enjoy but little, owing to the mosquitos, who are remarkably active and persevering in their attacks upon us. But with the exception of these tormenting insects, and a rather alarming variety of centipedes, scorpions, and spiders, we have no venomous creatures to disturb us. The weather is extremely hot, and the advantages of the river for bathing would be very great if it were not so full of sharks. I have much more to relate of our present cheering prospects and enviable situation, but a ship is on the point of sailing for England, so must conclude in haste.

Ever, dear Tom, yours,

R.B.

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POACHED EGOTISM.

The _Examiner_ observes, in speaking of the types of the new premier's policy,--"The state, I am the state," said the most arrogant of French monarchs. "The administration, I am the administration," would seem to say Sir Robert Peel. In the speech explanatory of his views, which cannot be likened to Wolsey's "_Ego et Rex meus_," because the importance of the _ego_ is not impaired by any addition.--This literally amounts to a conviction, on the part of the editor of the _Examiner_, that the premier's expression is all in his "I."

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THE POLITICAL NATURALIST'S LIBRARY

CONTENTS OF THE VOLUMES ALREADY PUBLISHED.

THE SUPER-NATURAL HISTORY OF--

"HUMMING" BIRDS.--With Memoir and Portraits of Peel, Stanley and Aberdeen.

BIRDS OF THE "GAME" KIND.--Portrait and Memoir of Mr. Gully.

FISHES OF THE "PERCH" GENUS.--Biographical notices of the late Ministry.

RUMINATING ANIMALS, Vol. 1.--Contents: _Goats_, &c. Portrait of Mr. Muntz.

RUMINATING ANIMALS, Vol. 2.--Contents: Deer, Antelopes, &c. Portrait of Mr. Roebuck.

MARSUPIALS, OR "POUCHED" ANIMALS.--With many _plates_. Portrait and Memoir of Daniel O'Connell, Esq.

BRITISH BUTTERFLIES.--Portrait and Memoir of Sir E. Lytton Bulwer.

COMPLETION OF THE WORK.--Considerable progress has been making in the concluding volume of the series. _Rats_, with portraits of Burdett, Gibson, Wakley, _et genus omne_; but the subject is so vast that no definite time can be fixed for its publication.

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A GREAT CARD.

MR. WAKLEY begs to inform the Lords of the Treasury, the editor of the _Times_, and the Master of the Mint, that ever anxious to rise in the world, he has recently been induced to undertake the sweeping of Conservative flues, and the performance of any dirty work which his Tory patrons may deem him worthy to perform. Certain objections having been made as to his qualifications for a climbing boy, Mr. W. pledges himself to undergo any course of training, to enable him to get through the business, and to remove any apprehension of his ever becoming

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THE POETICAL JUSTICE.

SIR PETER LAURIE, in commenting upon the late case of false imprisonment, where two young men had been unjustifiably handcuffed by the police, delivered himself of the following exquisite piece of rhetoric:--"He did not think it possible that such a case of abuse could pass unnoticed as that he had just heard. The general conduct of the police was, he believed, good; but the instances of arbitrary conduct and overbearing demeanour _set to flight all the ancient examples brought forward to enrich by contrast the serious parts of the glorious genius of Shakspeare_." We never understood or imagined there was an Anacreon among the aldermen, a Chaucer in the common council, or a Moliere at the Mansion-house. We have now discovered the Peter Lauriate of the City--the poet of the Poultry. Who, in the face of the above sentence, can deny his right to these titles, if, like ourselves, they are

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THE EVIL MOST TO BE DREADED.

A clergyman, lately preaching to a country congregation, used the following persuasive arguments against the vice of swearing:--"Oh, my brethren, avoid this practice, for it is a great sin, and, what is more, it is _ungenteel_!"

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PUNCH'S THEATRE.

WHAT WILL THE WORLD SAY?

The family of the "Sponges" distributes itself over the entire face of society--its members are familiar with almost every knocker, and with nearly everybody's dinner-hour. They not unfrequently come in with the eggs, and only go out with the last glass of negus. They seem to possess the power of ubiquity; for, go where you will, your own especial sponge (and everybody with more than two hundred a-year has one), is sure to present himself. He is ready for anything, especially where eating, love, duelling, or drinking, is concerned. To oblige you, he will breakfast at supper-time, or sup at breakfast-time; he will drink any given quantity, at any time, and will carry any number of declarations of love to any number of ladies, or of challenges to whole armies of rivals: thus far he is useful; for he is obliging, and will do anything--but pay.

When he has absorbed all the moisture his victims are able to supply, he may be seen walking about in moody solitude in the parks, where he sponges upon the ducks, and owes for the use of the chairs. In this dry and destitute condition, behold the sponge of the Covent-Garden Comedy--_Captain Tarradiddle_. He is in St. James' Park; for, possessing imaginary rather than substantial claims to military rank, he flits about the Horse-Guards to keep up his character. A person is already upon the stage, for whom you instinctively shudder--you perceive, at once, that he is "in" for dinner, wine, theatre, and supper--you pity him; you see the sponge, speciously, but surely, fasten himself upon his victim like a vampire. _Mr. Pye Hilary_, being a barrister and a man of the world, resigns himself, however, to his fate. As to shaking off his leech, he knows that to be impossible; and he determines to make what use of him he can. There is a fine opportunity, for _Mr. Pye Hilary_ is in love, in despair, and in waiting: he expects his mistress's abigail; in negociating with whom, he conceives _Tarradiddle_ will be a valuable assistant. _Mrs. Tattle_ arrives. Preliminaries having been duly settled, articles offensive and defensive are entered into, to carry out a plan by which the lover shall gain an interview with the mistress; and the treaty is ratified by a liberal donation, which the _Captain_ makes to the maid out of his friend's purse. The servant is satisfied, and goes off in the utmost agitation, for _Miss Mayley_ and her guardian are coming; and she dreads being caught in the fact of bribery. _Mr. Hilary_ trembles; so does the young lady, when she appears; and the agitation of all parties is only put an end to by the fall of the act-drop.

If any class of her Majesty's subjects are more miserable than another, it is that of gentlemen's servants. One of these oppressed persons is revealed to us in the next act. Poor fellow! he has nothing to do but to sit in the hall, and nothing to amuse him but the newspaper. But his misfortunes do not end here: as if to add insult to injury, the family governess presumes to upbraid him, and actually insists upon his taking a letter to the post. _Mr. Nibble_ declines performing so undignified a service, in the most footman-like terms; but unfortunately, as it generally happens, in families where there are pretty governesses and gallant sons, _Miss de Vere_ has a protector in the _Hon. Charles Norwold_, who overhears her unreasonable demand, and with a degree of injustice enough to make the entire livery of London rave with indignation, inflicts upon his father's especial livery, and _Nibble's_ illustrious person, a severe caning. The consequence of this "strike" is, that _Nibble_ gives warning, _Lord_ and _Lady Norwold_ are paralysed at this important resignation; for by it they discover that a secret coalition has taken place between their son and the governess--they are man and wife! Good heavens! the heir of all the Norwolds marry a teacher, who has nothing to recommend her but virtue, talent, and beauty! Monstrous!--"What will the world say?"

The treaty formed between _Mistress Tattle_ and _Mr. Pye Hilary_ is in the next act being acted upon. We behold _Captain Tarradiddle_, as one of the high contracting parties' ambassador, taking lodgings in a house exactly opposite to that in which _Miss Mayley_ resides. Of course nothing so natural as that the Captain should indulge his friend with a visit for a few days, or, if possible, for a few weeks. It is also natural that the host, under the circumstances, should wish to know something of the birth, parentage, and education of his guest, of which, though an old acquaintance; he is, as yet, entirely ignorant. Now, if it be possible to affront a real sponge (but there is nothing more difficult), such inquiries are likely to produce that happy consummation. _Tarradiddle_, however, gets over the difficulty with the tact peculiar to his class, and is fortunately interrupted by the announcement that _Tattle_ is in the parlour, duly keeping her agreement, by bringing her mistress's favourite canary, which, having flown away quite by accident, under her guidance, has chosen to perch in _Hilary's_ new lodging, on purpose to give him the opportunity of returning it, and of obtaining an interview with _Miss Mayley_. The expedient succeeds in the next scene; the lover bows and stammers--as lovers do at first interviews--the lady is polite but dignified, and _Tarradiddle_, who has been angling for an invitation, has his hopes entirely put to flight by the entrance of the lady's guardian, _Mr. Warner_, who very promptly cuts matters short by ringing the bell and saying "Good evening," in that tone of voice which always intimates a desire for a good riddance. This hint is too broad ever to be mistaken; so the sponge and his victim back out.

_Mr. Warner_ is a merchant, and all merchants in plays are the "noblest characters the world can boast," and very rich. Thus it has happened that _Warner_ has, through a money-agent, one _Grub_, been enabled to lend, at various times, large sums of money, to _Lady Norwold_--her ladyship being one of those who, dreading "what will the world say?" is by no means an economist, and prefers "ruin to retrenchment." As security for these loans, the lady deposits her jewels, suite by suite, till the great object of all _Warner's_ advances gets into his possession--namely, a bracelet, which is a revered relic of the Norwold family. So far _Warner_, in spite of a troublesome ward, and his late visitors, is happy; but he soon receives a letter, which puts his happiness to flight. His daughter, who has been on a visit in Paris, became, he now learns, united some months before, to _Charles Norwold_, and a governess in his father's family. By further inquiries, he learns that the son is discarded, and is, with his wife, consigned to beggary, for fear of--"what will the world say?"

The fourth act exhibits one of the scenes of human life hitherto veiled from the eyes of the most prying--a genuine specimen of the sponge species--at home! Actually living under a roof that he calls his own; in company with a wife who is certainly nobody else's. She is ironing--_Tarradiddle_ is smoking, and, like all smokers, philosophising. Here we learn the _Honourable Charles Norwold_ and his wife have taken lodgings; hither they are pursued by _Hilary_, who has managed to ingratiate himself with _Warner_, and undertaken to trace the merchant's lost daughter; here, to _Pye's_ astonishment, he finds his friend and sponge. Some banter ensues, not always agreeable to the Captain, but all ends very pleasantly by the entrance of _Warner_, who discovers his daughter, and becomes a father-in-law with a good grace.

The denouement is soon told:--_Warner_, having received his daughter and her husband, gives a party at which _Lady_, and afterwards _Lord Norwold_, are present. Here Warner's anxiety to obtain the bracelet is explained. He reminds his lordship that he once accused his elder brother of stealing that very bauble; and the consequence was, that the accused disappeared, and was never after heard of. _Warner_ avows himself to be that brother, but declines disturbing the rights or property of his lordship, if he will again receive his son. This is, of course, done. _Hilary_ jokes himself into _Miss Mayley's_ good graces, and _Tarradiddle_, in all the glories of a brown coat, and an outrageously fine waistcoat, enters to make the scene complete, and to help to speak the tag, in which all the characters have a hand; Mrs. Glover ending by making a propitiatory appeal to the audience in favour of the author, who ought to be very grateful to her for the captivating tones in which she asked for an affirmative answer to the question--

"What will the world say?"

Circumstances prevent us from giving any opinion whatever, except upon the scenery, the appointments, and the acting. The first is beautiful--the second appropriate and splendid--the last natural, pointed, and in good taste.

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SIBTHORPIANA.

A clergyman was explaining to the gallant officer the meaning of the phrase "born again;" but it was quite unintelligible to Sib., who remarked that he knew no one who could _bear_ him even once.

"Do you read the notice to correspondents in PUNCH?" quoth Sib.--"I do," replied Hardinge, "and I wonder people should send them such trash."--"Pooh!" retorted the punster--"Pooh! you know that wherever PUNCH is to be found, there are always plenty of _spoons_ after it."

"It's a wonder you're not drunk," said Sibthorp to Wieland--"a great wonder, because--do you give it up?--Because you're _a tumbler full of spirits_."

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CURIOUS AMBIGUITY.

The correspondent of a London paper, writing from Sunderland respecting the report that Lord Howick had been fired at by some ruffian, says, with great _naïveté_, "a gun was certainly pointed at his lordship's head, but it is generally believed there was nothing in it."--We confess we are at a loss to know whether the facetious writer alludes to the _gun_ or the _head_.

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THE THORNY PREMIER.

A Tory evening paper tells its readers that Sir Robert Peel expects a harassing opposition from the late ministry, but that he is prepared for them on _all points_. This reminds us of the defensive expedient of the hedgehog, which, conscious of its weakness, rolls itself into a ball, to be prepared for its assailants on _all points_.

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TO PROFESSORS OF LANGUAGES WHO GIVE LONG CREDIT AND TAKE SMALL PAY.

Mister F. &c. &c. &c. Bayley is anxious to treat for a course of lessons in the purest Irish. None but such as will conceal a West Indian patois will be of the slightest use. For particulars, and cards to view, apply to Mr. Catnach, Music and Marble Warehouse, Seven-dials.

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