Chapter 3

It being always premised and settled that the term nature only comprehends the people with sleek coats and full stomachs. Nature abhors a vacuum,--therefore has nought to do with empty bellies. Happy are the men whose fate, or better philosophy, has kept them from the turnips and the heather--fortunate mortals, who, banned from the murder of partridges and grouse, have for the last few days of our contemporary, been dwellers in merry London! What exulting faces! What crowds of well-dressed, well-fed _Malvolios_, "smiling" at one another, though not cross-gartered! To a man prone to ponder on that many-leaved, that scribbled, blurred and blotted volume, the human face,--that mysterious tome printed with care, with cunning and remorse,--that thing of lies, and miseries, and hypocritic gladness,--that volume, stained with tears, and scribbled over and over with daily wants, and daily sufferings, and daily meannesses;--to such a reader who, from the hieroglyphic lines of feigned content, can translate the haggard spirit and the pining heart,--to such a man too often depressed and sickened by the contemplation of the carnivorous faces thronging the streets of London--faces that look as if they deemed the stream of all human happiness flowed only from the Mint,--to such a man, how great the satisfaction, how surpassing the enjoyment of these "last few days!" As with the Thane of Cawdor, every man's face has been a book; but, alas! luckier than _Macbeth_, that book has been--_Joe Miller!_

Every well-dressed gentleman has smiled, but then the source of his satisfaction has been the rags fluttering on the human carcases in the manufacturing districts. Every well-to-do artisan has wended his way along the streets showing his teeth, but then at his own sweet will he can employ those favoured instruments on roast or boiled: hence his smile for those who, gifted with the like weapons, bear them as men bear court swords, for ornament, not use. Alas! the smirk of the well-dressed may be struck into blank astonishment by the fluttering of rags--by a standard of tatters borne by a famine-maddened myriad; the teeth of the dragon want may be sown, and the growth may, as of old, be armed men.

Yet can we wonder at the jocoseness of those arrayed in lawn and broad-cloth--can we marvel at the simper of the artisan fresh from his beef and pudding, solaced with tobacco and porter? Surely not; for the smile breaks under the highest patronage; nay, even broad grins would have the noblest warranty, for his Grace the Duke of Wellington has pronounced rags to be the livery only of wilful idleness--has stamped on the withering brow of destitution the brand of the drunkard. Therefore, clap your hands to your pulpy sides, oh well-dressed, well-to-do London, and disdaining the pettiness of a simper, laugh an ogre's laugh at the rags of Manchester--grin like a tickled Polyphemus at the hunger of Bolton!

Our babbling, anile friend, in the very looseness of her prating has let out the truth. Or rather--a common custom with her--she has talked in her sleep. Her very weakness has, however, given a point to her revelation.

"Diamonds dart their brightest lustre, _from a palsy-shaken head_!"

In the midst of her snores she has but revealed the plot entered into between those most respectable conspirators, Broad Cloth and Beef, against those old offenders, those incorrigible miscreants, Rags and Want! The confederacy is, to be sure, older than the crucified thieves; but then it has not been so undisguisedly avowed. Broad Cloth has, on the contrary, affected a sympathy with tatters, though with a constancy of purpose has refused an ell from its trailing superfluity to solace the wretchedness; the tears of Beef dropt on the lank abdomen of Starvation, are ancient as post diluvian crocodiles.--but it has spared no morsel to the object of its hypocritic sorrow. Now, however, even the decency of deceit is to be dropt, and Broad Cloth is to make sport with the nakedness of the land, and merry Beef is to roar like the bulls of Bashan at the agonies of famine!

As the winter approaches we are promised increasing sources of amusement from the manufacturing districts. What sunny faces will break though the fogs of November--what giggling will drown the cutting blasts of January! Eschewing the wise relaxation of pantomimes, we shall be taught to consult the commercial reports in the newspapers as the highest and fullest source of salutary laughter. How we shall simper when mills are stopped--how crow with laughter when whole factories are silent and deserted! How reader--(for we acknowledge none who are not well-dressed and well-to-do)--how you will scream with joy when banks break!--and how consult the list of bankrupts as the very spirit and essence of the most consummate fun. Insolvency shall henceforth be synonymous with repartee--and compositions with creditors practical _bons mots_.

Oh! reader--(but mind, you _must_, we say, to be our reader, be well-dressed and well-to-do; for though we owe the very paper beneath your eye to rags, we trust we are sufficiently in the mode to laugh contemptuously at such abominations)--oh! reader, quit your lighter recreations; seek not for merriment in fictitious humour; it is a poor, unsatisfactory diet, weak and watery; but find substantial drollery from the fluttering of tatters--laugh, and with the crowing joy, grow sleek and lusty at the writhings and the lamentations of want!

We have, however, a recent benevolent instance of the political and social power of dress--an instance gathered from the Court of Spain. The organ (or rather barrel-organ of Toryism, for it has only a set number of tunes) which played our opening quotation, also grinds the following:--

"The Regent Espartero, and the tutor Arguelles, are doing all in their power to keep the young Queen and the Infanta _in good humour_, encouraging the Princesses in many little indulgences suitable to their age and sex, _especially in the article of dress_, in which their royal mother was more than inattentive. _This line of conduct_, coupled with the expected arrival of the Infant, Don Francisco de Paula and his family, who are to be received with every mark of respect, indicates that the present rulers of Spain, aware of their critical situation, wish to strengthen themselves by the support of the great majority of the royal family."

Thus, if the royal family of Spain have an excess of courtesy and benevolence towards the people, such blessings will drop upon them from the fringed petticoats of the little sovereign. Thus curiously considered, may we not trace a bounteous political measure to the lace veil of a Queen, and find a great national benefit in the toe of a slipper?

Happy Spaniards! Give fine clothes to _your_ rulers, and they yearn with benevolence towards the donors. _They_ do not walk about the streets of Madrid, smiling in the strength of their wardrobe at the nakedness of those who have subscribed the bravery. Oh, ye "well-dressed gentlemen," and oh, ye "well-to-do artisans!"--be instructed by the new petticoats of Queen Isabella, and smile no at rags and famine.

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PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XII.

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TRANSACTIONS OF THE GEOLOGICAL SOCIETY OF HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY.

There is not a more interesting science than geology, which, as our readers are aware, treats principally of mud and minerals. The association at Hookham-cum-Snivey has been very active during the summer, and may be said to have been up to its knees in dirt and filth, gravel and gypsum, coal, clay and conglomerate, for a very considerable period.

It having been determined to open a sewer where the old Hookham-road meets with the ancient Roman footpath at Snivey, the junction of which gives name to the modern town, the Geological Association passed a strong resolution, in which it was asserted, that the opportunity had at length arrived for solving the great doubt that had long perplexed the minds of the inhabitants as to whether the soil in the neighbourhood was crustaceous or carboniferous. The _crusta_ceous party had been long triumphing in the fact, that a mouldy piece of bread had been found at two feet below the surface, when digging for the foundation of a swing erected in a garden in the neighbourhood; but the _carboni_ferous enthusiasts had been thrown into ecstacies, by the sexton having come upon a regular _strata_ of undoubted cinders, in clearing out a piece of ground at the back of the parson's residence. Some evil-disposed persons had the malice to say that the spot had been formerly the site of a subsequently-filled-up dusthole; but the _crusta_ceous party, depending as they did upon a single piece of bread--_all crumb_ too--however genuine, could not be said to have so much to go upon as the _carboni_ferous section, with their heap of cinders, the latter being large in quantity, though of doubtful authority.

However, the opening of the sewer was looked forward to with intense interest, as being calculated to decide the great question, and all the principal geologists were on the spot several hours before operations commenced, for the purpose of inspecting the surface of the ground before it was disturbed by the spade and pickaxe of the labourer.

It was found that the earth consisted of an outer coat of dust, amongst which were several stones, varying in size, with here and there a bone picked exceedingly clean, and evidently belonging to a sheep; all of which facts gave promise of most gratifying results to the true lover of geology. At length the labourer came in sight, and was greeted with loud cheers from the crustaceous party, which were ironically echoed by the disciples of the carboniferous school, and a most significant "hear, hear," proceeded from an active partisan of the latter class, when the first stroke of the pickaxe proclaimed the commencement of an operation upon which so much was known to depend for the interests of geology. The work had proceeded for some time amid breathless interest, interrupted only by sneers, cheers, jeers, and cries of "Oh, oh!" or "No, no!" As the throwing up of a shovelful of earth excited the hopes of one party, or the fears of the other, when a hard substance was struck upon, which caused a thrilling sensation among the bystanders. The pressure of the geologists, all eager to inspect the object that had created so much curiosity, could hardly be restrained, and the president was thrown, with great violence, into the hole that had been dug, from which he was pulled with extraordinary strength of body, and presence of mind, by the honorary treasurer.

The hard substance was found to consist of a piece of iron, of which it appeared a vein, or rather an artery, ran both backwards and forwards from the spot where it was first discovered. The confusion was at its height, for it was supposed a mine had been discovered, and a long altercation ensued; the town-clerk claiming it in the name of the lord of the manor, while the beadle, with a confused idea about mines being royal property, leaped into the hole, and, in the Queen's name, took possession of everything. A desperate struggle ensued, in which several geologists were laid straight upon the _strata_, and were converted into secondary deposits on the surface of the earth; when the lamplighter, coming by, recognised the hard iron substance as the large main of the Equitable Company. It became therefore necessary to relinquish any further investigation on the spot originally chosen, and the matter was postponed to another day, so that the great crustaceous and carboniferous question remains exactly where it did, to the great injury of the harmony and good feeling that has never yet prevailed, though it is hoped it some time or other may prevail, among the inhabitants.

But though public investigation of geological truth is for a time at a stand-still, we are glad to be able to record the following remarkable instance of private enterprise:--

A very active member of the association--the indefatigable Mr. Grubemup--determined to leave no stone unturned for the purpose of making observations, went out, attended by a single assistant, and made a desperate attempt to turn the mile-stone in the Kensington-road, in the hope of finding some geological facts at the bottom of it. After several hours' labour before day-break, to avoid interruption from the police, he succeeded in introducing the point of a pickaxe beneath the base of the stone; and eventually he had the satisfaction of removing it from its position, when he made the following geological observations:--He found a primary deposit of dark soil, and, on putting his spectacles to his eyes, he distinctly detected a common worm in a state of high salubrity. This clearly proved to him that there must formerly have been a direct communication between Hookham-cum-Snivey and the town of Kensington, for the worm found beneath the milestone exactly resembled one now in the Hookham-cum-Snivey Museum, and which is known as the _vermis communis_, or earth-worm, and which has always excited considerable interest among the various visitors. Mr. Grubemup, encouraged by this highly satisfactory result, proceeded to scratch up with his thumb-nail a portion of the soil, and his geological enterprise was speedily rewarded by a fossil of the most interesting character. Upon close inspection it proved to be a highly crystallised rat's-tail, from which the geologist inferred that there were rats on the Kensington-road at a much earlier period than milestones. We have not heard that the ingenious gentleman carried his examination further, but in the present state of geology, any contribution to the science, however small, will be thankfully received by the knowledge-loving community.

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LAYS OF THE "BEAU MONDE."

BY THE EDITOR OF THE MORNING POST.

I saw at Lord George's _rout_, Amid a blaze of _ton_; And such a _tournure_ ne'er "came out" For Maradon Carson! For who that mark'd that sylph-like grace That full Canova hip, That robe of rich Chantilly lace, That faultless satin slip, Could doubt that she would be _the belle_ To make a thousand waistcoats swell?

I saw her seated by my lord, As _joli comme un ange_; She took some _pate perigord_. And after that _blanc mange_: A glass of Moyse's pink champagne Lent lustre to _ses eux_. And then--I heard a Grisian strain-- It was her sweet _adieux_; And I--my friend the butler sought, To slake with stout each burning thought.

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METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS.

It is at length decided that Aldgate pump is to be painted, but the vestry have not yet determined what the colour is to be. It is thought, to suit the diversity of opinions in the parish cabinet, that it will be painted in a harlequin pattern.

It is seriously contemplated to attempt the removal of the ancient "Hot Codlings" stand from the west-end of Temple Bar. The old woman who at present occupies the premises is resolved to resist to the utmost so unjust an aggression.

The Corporation of the City of London have, in the most liberal manner, given a plot of ground, eighteen by thirteen and a half-inches, for the erection of a pickled whilks and pennywinkle establishment, at the corner of Newgate-street and the Old Bailey. This will be a valuable boon to the Blue-coat boys, and will tend to cause a brisk influx of loose coppers to this hitherto much-neglected spot.

The disgraceful state of the gutter-grating in Little Distaff-lane has, at length, awakened the attention of the parish authorities. For several days past it has been choked by an accumulation of rubbish, but we are now enabled, on good authority, to state that the parish-beadle has been directed to poke it with his staff, which it is hoped will have the effect of removing the obstruction.

The Commissioners of Woods and Forests have ordered plans and estimates to be laid before them for the erection of a duck-house on the island of the pond in St. James's Park.

It has been decided that the exhibition of fancy paper on the boards of the enclosure of Trafalgar-square is to continue open to the public till further notice.

By a recent Act of Parliament, foot passengers crossing Blackfriars-bridge are allowed to walk on whichever side of it they like best.

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ERRATA IN THE "TIMES."

For "Sir James Graham denied that he ever _changed_ his friends or his principles," read "_hanged_ his friends or his principles."

For "Lord John Russell said that he had strenuously endeavoured to keep _pace_ with the march of Reform," read "keep _place_ with the march of Reform."

For "though Sir Robert Peel is the ostensible _head_, the Duke of Wellington holds the _reins_ of the present administration," read "the Duke of Wellington holds the _brains_ of the present administration."

For "Colonel Sibthorp said he despised the man who suffered himself be made the _tool_ of a party," read "the _fool_ of a party."

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THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT

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MICHAELMAS DAY

Every one knows that about this time of the year geese are in their prime, and are particularly good when stuffed with sage; which accounts for the fact, that Sibthorp has made some sage remarks, so that he may not lose by comparison with the "foolish birds," with whom he feels a natural sympathy.

We have never been able to discover the connexion between geese and Michaelmas. There is a reason for associating ducks with Midsummer: we can understand the meaning of poultry at Christmas, for _birds_ are appropriate to a period when every one sends in _his bill_; but why poor St. Michael should be so degradingly associated with a goose is beyond our comprehension, and baffles our ingenuity. If St. Michael had been a tailor, or an actor, or an author, we could have understood how _goose_ might have applied to him; but as he was neither one nor the other, we really are at a loss to conceive why a goose should have become so intimately associated with his name and character.

Among other curious incidents, it may be remarked that, with an instinctive dread of _goose_, the redoubtable _Martinuzzi_ drew in his horns, just on the eve of Michaelmas, and the _Syncretics_ have just shut up shop in time to avoid the "_compliments of the season_" that they had every right and every reason to anticipate would be bestowed, if not with a "liberal hand," at least with "a lavish mouth," by their audience.

It must be remembered by all the geese against whom PUNCH thinks proper to indulge his wit, that at this season of the year they must expect to be roasted. Upon the whole, however, we have a high respect for "the foolish bird," and when it is remembered that the geese saved Rome, we do not think we are wrong in suggesting the possibility of England being yet saved by Lord Coventry, or any other cackler in either house of Parliament.

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"LAND SHARKS AND SEA GULLS."

Admiral Napier observed that "retired lawyers got better paid than retired admirals." A gross injustice, as their vocations bear an extraordinary similarity; par example--both are _attachés_ of the Fleet: in an action, both know the necessity of being bailed out to prevent swamping. One service is distinguished by its "davits," the other by its "affidavits;" and they are mutually and equally admired for, and known by, their craft. The only difference between them being, that the lawyer serves "two masters"--the admiral, invariably, three masters. If the same remark applies to the members of the army-list, as well as to those of the navy and law, we must say that it is an extremely shabby method of

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LIST OF OUTRAGES.

The following list of outrages, recently perpetrated in the vicinity of a notoriously bad house near Westminster Abbey, has not appeared in any of the daily papers:--

LORD MELBOURNE--frightfully beaten, and turned out of his house by a gang of Peelites.