Chapter 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 1.

FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 2, 1841.

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THE TIPTOES.

A SKETCH.

"The Wrongheads have been a considerable family ever since England was England."

VANBRUGH.

a hope instantly gratified by the stalwart proprietor, who, wildly exclaiming, "Sit aisy!" hoisted the lordly burden on his shoulders, and gave him the full benefit of a shilling fare in that most unusual vehicle.

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Q.E.D.

"SIR ROBERT PEEL thinks a great deal of himself," says the _British Critic_. "Yes," asserts PUNCH, "he is just the man to trouble himself about trifles."

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ROEBUCK DEFYING THE "THUNDERER."

Roebuck was seated in his great arm chair, Looking as senatorial and wise As a calf's head, when taken in surprise; A half-munch'd muffin did his fingers bear-- An empty egg-shell proved his meal nigh o'er. When, lo! there came a tapping at the door: "Come in!" he cried, And in another minute by his side Stood John the footboy, with the morning paper, Wet from the press. O'er Roebuck's cheek There passed a momentary gleam of joy, Which spoke, as plainly as a smile could speak, "Your master's speech is in that paper, boy." He waved his hand--the footboy left the room-- Roebuck pour'd out a cup of Hyson bloom; And, having sipp'd the tea and sniff'd the vapour, Spread out the "Thunderer" before his eyes-- When, to his great surprise, He saw imprinted there, in black and white, That he, THE ROE-buck--HE, whom all men knew, Had been expressly born to set worlds right-- That HE was nothing but a _parvenu_. Jove! was it possible they lack'd the knowledge he Boasted a literary and scientific genealogy! That he had had some ancestors before him-- (Beside the Pa who wed the Ma who bore him)-- Men whom the world had slighted, it is true, Because it never knew The greatness of the genius which had lain, Like unwrought ore, within each vasty brain; And as a prejudice exists that those Who never do disclose The knowledge that they boast of, seldom have any, Each of his learned ancestors had died, By an ungrateful world belied, And dubb'd a Zany. That HE should be Denied a pedigree! Appeared so monstrous in this land of freedom, He instantly conceived the notion To go down to the House and make a motion, That all men had a right to those who breed 'em.

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Behold him in his seat, his face carnation, Just like an ace of hearts, Not red and white in parts, But one complete illumination. He rises--members blow their noses, And cough and hem! till one supposes, A general catarrh prevails from want of ventilation. He speaks:-- Mr. Speaker, Sir, in me you see A member of this house (_hear, hear_), With whose proud pedigree The "Thunderer" has dared to interfere. Now I implore, That Lawson may be brought upon the floor, And beg my pardon on his bended knees. In whatsoever terms I please. _(Oh! oh!) (No! no!)_ I, too, propose, To pull his nose: No matter if the law objects or not; And if the printer's nose cannot be got, The small proboscis of the printer's devil Shall serve my turn for language so uncivil! The "Thunderer" I defy, And its vile lie. (As Ajax did the lightning flash of yore.) I likewise move this House requires-- No, that's too complimentary--desires, That Mr. Lawson's brought upon the floor. The thing was done: The house divided, and the Ayes were--ONE!

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EXPRESS FROM WINDSOR.

Last evening a most diabolical, and, it is to be regretted successful, attempt, was made to kiss the Princess Royal. It appears that the Royal Babe was taking an airing in the park, reclining in the arms of her principal nurse, and accompanied by several ladies of the court, who were amusing the noble infant by playing rattles, when a man of ferocious appearance emerged from behind some trees, walked deliberately up to the noble group, placed his hands on the nurse, and bent his head over the Princess. The Honourable Miss Stanley, guessing the ruffian's intention, earnestly implored him to kiss her instead, in which request she was backed by all the ladies present.[1] He was not, however, to be frustrated in the attempt, which no sooner had he accomplished, than he hurried off amidst the suppressed screams of the ladies. The Royal Infant was immediately carried to the palace, where her heart-rending cries attracted the attention of her Majesty, who, on hurrying to the child, and hearing the painful narration, would, in the burst of her maternal affection, have kissed the infant, had not Sir J. Clarke, who was fortunately present, prevented her so doing.

[1] This circumstance alone must at once convince every unprejudiced person of the utter falsity of the reports (promulgated by certain interested parties) of the disloyalty of the Tory ladies, when we see several dames placed in the most imminent danger, yet possessing sufficient presence of mind to offer _lip-service_ to their sovereign.--EDITOR. _Morn. Post_.

Dr. Locock was sent for from town, who, immediately on his arrival at Windsor, held a conference with Sir J. Clarke, and a basin of pap was prepared by them, which being administered to the Royal Infant, produced the most satisfactory results.

We are prohibited from stating the measures taken for the detection of the ruffian, lest their disclosure should frustrate the ends of justice.

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A ROYAL DUCK.

His Royal Highness Prince Albert, during the sojourn of the Court at Windsor Castle, became, by constant practice in the Thames, so expert a swimmer, that, with the help of a cork jacket, he could, like Jones of the celebrated firm of "Brown, Jones, and Robinson," swim "anywhere over the river." Her Majesty, however, with true conjugal regard for the safety of the royal duck, never permitted him to venture into the water without

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HIGH LIFE BELOW STAIRS.

Michelly, of the _Morning Post_, was boasting to Westmacott of his intimate connexion with the aristocracy. "The _area_-stocracy, more likely," replied the ex-editor of the _Argus_.

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GREAT ANNUAL MICHAELMAS JUBILEE.

MAGNIFICENT CELEBRATION OF GOOSE-DAY.

How often are we--George Stephens-like--to be called upon to expend our invaluable breath in performing Eolian operations upon our own cornopean! Here have we, at an enormous expense and paralysing peril, been obliged to dispatch our most trusty and well-beloved reporter, to the fens in Lincolnshire, stuffed with brandy, swathed in flannel, and crammed with jokes; from whence he, at the cost of infinite pounds, unnumbered rheumatisms, and a couple of agues, caught, to speak vulgarly, "in a brace of shakes," has forwarded us the following authentic account of the august proceedings which took place in that county on the anniversary of the great St. Michaelmas.

FROM OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT.

_Tuesday night_.--Depths of the fens--just arrived--only time to state all muck--live eels and festivity--Sibthorp in extra force--betting 6 to 4 "he cooks everybody's goose"--no takers--D'Israeli says it's a gross want of sympathy--full account to-morrow--expect rare doings--must conclude--whrr-rh-h--tertian coming on--promises great shakes.

I am, sincerely and shiveringly,

YOUR OWN CORRESPONDENT.

_Wednesday morning_.--The day dawned like a second deluge, and the various volunteer _dramatis personæ_ seemed like the spectres of the defunct water-dogs of Sadler's Wells. An eminent tallow-chandler from the east end of Whitechapel contracted for the dripping, and report says he found it a very swimming speculation. Life-preservers, waterproof and washable hats, were on the ground, which, together with Macintoshes and corks, formed a pleasing and varied group. The grand stand was graced by several eminent and capacious geese; nor was the infantine simplicity of numerous promising young goslings wanting to complete the delightful _ensemble_.

The business of the day commenced with a grand commemorative procession of homage to the prize goose, the representative of whom, we are proud to say, fell by election to the envied lot of the gallant, jocose, and _Joe Miller_tary Colonel Sibthorp.

ORDER OF PROCESSION.

Trumpeter in Ordinary to "all the geese," and himself in particular, On his extraordinary Pegasus, beautifully represented by a Jackass, Idealised with magnificent goose's wings. Mr. GEORGE STEPHENS, Grand Master of Hanky-panky. Balancing on the Pons Asinorum of his Nose the Identical goose-quill with which he indited the Wondrous Tale of Alroy, Mr. BEN D'ISRAELI (much admired). The great Stuffer and Crammer, bearing a stupendous dish Of Sage and Onions, Seated in a magnificent Sauce-boat, supported on either side by Two fly pages bearing Apple-sauce, And a train-bearer distributing mustard, SIR EDWARD GEORGE ERLE LYTTON BULWER. Grand Officiating Gravy Spoon, A character admirably sustained, and supported to the life, by PETER BORTHWICK, M.P. and G.O.G.S. Drawer and Carver-in-Chief, Bearing some splendidly-dissected giblets, with gilt gizzard under his right arm, and plated liver under his left, Surgeon WAKLEY, M.P. Hereditary Champion of the Pope's Nose, Bearing the dismembered Relic enclosed in a beautifully-enamelled Dutch oven, DANIEL O'CONNELL, M.P. The grand Prize Goose, Reclining on a splendid willow-pattern well dish, Colonel WALDO SIBTHORP! Supported by CHARLES PEARSON, and Sir PETER LAURIE, With flowery potatoes and shocking greens. Grand Accountant-General, With a magnificent banner, bearing an elaborate average rate of the price _of geese_. And the cheapest depôts for the same, JOSEPH HUME, M.P.

This imposing procession having reached the grand kitchen, which had been erected for the occasion, the festivities instantly commenced by the Vice-Goose, Sir EDWARD LYTTON ERLE BULWER, proposing the health of the gallant Chairman, the Great-grand Goose:--

"Mr. Chairman and prize goose,--The feelings which now agitate my sensorium on this Michaelmasian occasion stimulate the vibratetiuncles of the heartiean hypothesis, so as to paralyse the oracular and articulative apparatus of my loquacious confirmation, overwhelming my soul-fraught imagination, as the boiling streams of liquid lava, buried in one vast cinereous mausoleum--the palace-crowded city of the engulphed Pompeii. (_Immense cheers_.)--I therefore propose a Methusalemic elongation of the duration of the vital principle of the presiding anserian paragon." (_Stentorian applause, continued for half-an-hour after the rising of the Prize Goose_) who said--

"Fellow Geese and Goslings,--Julius Cæsar, when he laid the first stone of the rock of Gibraltar--Mr. Carstairs, the celebrated caligrapher, when he indited the inscription on the Rosetta stone--Cleopatra, when she hemmed Anthony's bandanna with her celebrated needle--the Colossus of Rhodes, when he walked and won his celebrated match against Captain Barclay--Galileo, when he discovered and taught his grandmother the mode of sucking eggs--could not feel prouder than I do upon the present occasion. (_Cheers_.) These reminiscences, I can assure you, will ever stick in my grateful gizzard."

Here the gallant Colonel sat down, overcome by his feelings and several glasses of Betts' best British brandy.

Song--"Goosey, goosey gander."

Mr. D'ISRAELI then rose, and said,--"Chair, and brethren of the quill, I feel, in assuming the perpendicular, like the sun when sinking into his emerald bed of western waters. Overcome by emotions mighty as the impalpable beams of the harmonious moon's declining light, and forcibly impressed as the trembling oak, girt with the invisible arms of the gentle loving zephyr; the blush mantles on my cheek, deep as the unfathomed depths of the azure ocean. I say, gentlemen, impressed as I am with a sense--with a sense, I say, with a sense--" Here the hon. gentleman sat down for want of a termination.

Song--"No more shall the children of Judah sing."

Mr. PETER BORTHWICK (having corked himself a handsome pair of mustachios), next rose, and said,--"Most potent, grave, and reverend signors, and Mr. Chairman,--if it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly'--in rising to drink--'my custom always of an afternoon'--the health of Sir Peter Laurie, and whom I can ask, in the language of the immortal bard, 'where gottest thou that goose look,' I can only say, 'had Heaven made me such another,' I would not"-- Then Peter Borthwick sat down, evidently indisposed, exclaiming--"The drink, Hamlet, the drink!!!"

Here our reporter left the meeting, who were vociferously chanting, by way of grace, previous to the attack on the "roast geese," the characteristic anthem of the "King of the Cannibal Islands."

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DYER IGNORANCE.

It has been rumoured that Mr. Bernal, the new member, has been for some weeks past suffering from a severe attack of scarlet fever, caused by his late unparliamentary conduct in addressing the assembled legislators as--gentlemen. We are credibly informed that this unprecedented piece of ignorance has had the effect, as Shakspere says, of

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MAKING A COMPOSITION WITH ONE'S ANCESTORS.

Roebuck, the ex-attorney, and member for Bath, who has evinced a most commendable love of his parents, from his great-grandfather upwards, seeing the utter impossibility of carrying through the "whole hog" conviction of their respectability, and finding himself in rather an awkward "fix," on the present occasion begs to inform the editor of the _Times_, that he will be most happy to accept a compromise, on their literary and scientific attainments, at the very reasonable rate of

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PUNCH'S HISTRIONIC READINGS IN HISTORY.

NO. 1.--ENGLAND.

Of the early history of England nothing is known. It was, however, invaded by the _Normans_; but whether they were any relations of the once celebrated _Norman_ the pantaloon, we have no authentic record. The kingdom had at one time seven kings--two of whom were probably the two well-known kings of Brentford. Perhaps, also, the king of Little Britain made a third; while old king Cole may have constituted a fourth; thus leaving only a trifling balance of three to be accounted for.