Chapter 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 1.

FOR THE WEEK ENDING OCTOBER 16, 1841.

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TRADE REPORT.

(FROM OUR OWN REPORTER.)

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COVENTRY'S WISE PRECAUTION.

Some person was relating to the Earl of Coventry the strange fact that the Earl of Devon's harriers last week gave chase, in his demesne, to an unhappy donkey, whom they tore to pieces before they could be called off; upon which his lordship asked for a piece of chalk and a slate, and composed the following _jeu d'esprit_ on the circumstance:--

I'm truly shocked that Devon's hounds The gentle ass has slain; For _me_ to shun his lordship's grounds, It seems a warning plain.

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CONTINUATIONS FROM CHINA.

It is generally reported that the usual _drill_ continuations of the British tars are about to be altered by those manning the fleet off China, who purpose adopting _Nankin_ as soon as possible.

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THE VERY "NEXT" JONATHAN.

There is a Quaker in New Orleans so desperate _upright_ in all his dealings, that he won't sit down to eat his meals.

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POOR JACK.

A sailor ashore, after a long cruise, is a natural curiosity. Twenty-four hours' liberty has made him the happiest dog in existence; and the only drawback to his perfect felicity, is the difficulty of getting rid of his prize-money within the allotted time. It must, however, be confessed, that he displays a vast deal of ingenuity in devising novel modes of spending his rhino. Watches, trinkets, fiddlers, coaches, grog, and girls, are the long-established and legitimate modes of clearing out his lockers; but even these means are sometimes found inadequate to effect the desired object with sufficient rapidity. When there happens to be a number of brother-tars similarly employed, who have engaged all the coaches, fiddlers, and sweethearts in the town, it is then that Jack is put to his wits'-end; and it is only by buying cocked-hats and top-boots for the boat's-crew, or some such absurdity, that he can get all his cash scattered before he is obliged to return on board. This is a picture of a sailor _ashore_, but a sailor _aground_ is a different being altogether. An unlucky shot may deprive him of a leg or arm; he may be frost-nipped at the pole, or get a _coup de soleil_ in the tropics, and then be turned upon the world to shape his course amongst its rocks and shallows, with the bitter blast of poverty in his teeth. But Jack is not to be beaten so easily; although run aground, he refuses to strike his flag, and, with a cheerful heart, goes forth into the highways and byeways to sing "the dangers of the sea," and, to collect from the pitying passers-by, the coppers that drop, "like angel visits," into his little oil-skin hat.

These nautical melodists, with voices as rough as their beards, are to be met with everywhere; but they abound chiefly in the neighbourhood of Deptford and Wapping, where they seem to be indigenous. The most remarkable specimen of the class may, however, frequently be seen about the streets of London, carrying at his back a good-sized box, inside which, and peeping through a sort of port-hole, a pretty little girl of some two years old exhibits her chubby face. Surmounting the box, a small model of a frigate, all a-tant and ship-shape, represents "Her Majesty's (God bless her!) frigate Billy-ruffian, on board o' which the exhibitor lost his blessed limb."

Jack--we call him Jack, though we confess we are uncertain of his baptismal appellation--because Jack is a sort of generic name for his species--Jack prides himself on his little Poll and his little ship, which he boasts are the miniature counterparts of their lovely originals; and with these at his back, trudges merrily along, trusting that Providence will help him to "keep a southerly wind out of the bread-bag." Jack's songs, as we have remarked, all relate to the sea--he is a complete repository of Dibdin's choice old ballads and fok'sl chaunts. "Tom Bowling," "Lovely Nan," "Poor Jack," and "Lash'd to the helm," with "Cease, rude Boreas," and "Rule Britannia," are amongst his favourite pieces, but the "Bay of Biscay" is his crack performance: with this he always commenced, when he wanted to enlist the sympathies of his auditors,--mingling with the song sundry interlocutory notes and comments.

Having chosen a quiet street, where the appearance of mothers with blessed babbies in the windows prognosticates a plentiful descent of coppers, Jack commences by pitching his voice uncommonly strong, and tossing Poll and the Billy-ruffian from side to side, to give an idea of the way Neptune sarves the navy,--strikes, as one may say, into deep water, by plunging into "The Bay of Biscay," in the following manner;--

"Loud roar'd the dreadful thunder-- The rain a deluge pours-- Our sails were split asunder, By lightning's vivid pow'rs.

"Do, young gentleman!--toss a copper to poor little Poll. Ah! bless you, master!--may you never want a shot in your locker. Thank the gentleman, Polly--

"The night both drear and dark, Our poor desarted bark, There she lay--(lay quiet, Poll!)

"There she lay--Noble lady in the window, look with pity on poor Jack, and his little Polly--till next day, In the Bay of Biscay O."

"Pray, kind lady, help the poor shipwrecked sailor--cast away on his voyage to the West Ingees, in a dreadful storm. Sixteen hands on us took to the long-boat, my lady, and was thrown on a desart island, three thousand miles from any land; which island was unfortunately manned by Cannibals, who roast and eat every blessed one of us, except the cook's black boy; and him they potted, my lady, and I'm bless'd but they'd have potted me, too, if I hadn't sung out to them savages, in this 'ere sort of way, my lady--

"Come all you jolly sailors bold, Whose hearts are cast in honour's mould, While British valour I unfold-- Huzza! for the Arethusa! She was a frigate stout and brave As ever stemm'd the dashing wave--

"Lord love your honour, and throw the poor sailor who has fought and bled for his country, a trifle to keep him from foundering. Look, your honour, how I lost my precious limb in the sarvice. You see we was in the little Tollymakus frigate, cruising off the banks o' Newf'land, when we fell in with a saucy Yankee, twice the size of our craft; but, bless your honour, that never makes no odds to British sailors, and so we sarved her out with hot dumpling till she got enough, and forced her to haul down her stripes to the flag of Old England. But somehow, your honour, I caught a chance ball that threw me on my beam-ends, and left me to sing--

"My name d'ye see's Tom Tough, And I've seen a little sarvice, Where the mighty billows roll and loud tempests blow, I've sail'd with noble Howe, And I've fought with gallant Jarvis, And in gallant Duncan's fleet I've sung--yo-heave-oh!"

"A sixpence or a shilling rewards Jack's loyalty and eloquence. A violent tossing of Polly and the ship testify his gratitude; and pocketing the coin he has collected, he puts about, and shapes his course for some other port, singing lustily as he goes--

"Rule Britannia! Britannia rules the waves!"

Farewell, POOR JACK!

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THOSE DIVING BELLES! THOSE DIVING BELLES!

Some of our contemporaries have been dreadfully scandalised at the indelicate scenes which take place on the sands at Ramsgate, where, it seems, a sort of joint-stock social bathing company has been formed by the duckers and divers of both sexes. Situations for obtaining favourable views are anxiously sought after by elderly gentlemen, by whom opera glasses and pocket telescopes are much patronised. Greatly as we admire the investigation of nature in her unadorned simplicity, Ramsgate would be the last place we should select, if we were

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PROSPECTUS

OF A NEW GRAND NATIONAL AND UNIVERSAL STEAM INSURANCE, RAILROAD ACCIDENT, AND PARTIAL MUTILATION PROVIDENT SOCIETY.

CAPITAL, FIVE HUNDRED MILLIONS,

IN ONE HUNDRED MILLION £5 SHARES--HALF DEPOSIT,

THE DIRECTORS

To be duly balloted for from amongst the Consulting Surgeons of the various Metropolitan hospitals.

ACTING SECRETARIES,

The County Coroners.

By the constitution of this society, the whole of the profits will be divided among such of the assured as can come to claim them.

The public are particularly requested to bear in mind the double advantage (so great a _desideratum_ to all railroad travellers) of being at one and the same time connected with a "Fire, Life, and Partial Mutilation Assurance Company."

The following is offered as a brief synopsis of the general intention of the directors. Deep attention is requested to the various classes:--

CLASS I.

Relating to Railroads newly opened, consequently rated trebly doubly hazardous. The rate of insurance will be as follows:--

PER CENT. Engineer, first six months, total life ....... 90 Legs, at per each ............................ 74 Arms, ditto ditto ............................ 60 Ribs, per pair, or dozen, as contracted for ... 55 Dislocations and contusions, per score ....... 50

N.B.--A reduction of seven-and-a-half per cent., made after the first six months.

First class passengers will be allowed ten per cent. for the stuffing of all carriages, except the one immediately next the engine, which will be charged as above.

STOKERS.

Same as engineers, but a very liberal allowance made to such as the trains have passed over more than once, and a considerable reduction if scalds are not included.

_Exceptions_.--All who have five small children, and are only just appointed.

SECOND CLASS PASSENGERS.

In consequence of these travellers being generally more thickly stowed together, the upper half of them have a chance of escape while crushing those underneath, so that a fair reduction, still leaving a living profit to the directors, may be made in their favour. Thus the terms proposed for effecting their policies will be ten-and-a-half per cent. under the first class.

To meet the views of all parties, insurances may be effected from station to station, or on particular limbs. The following are the rates, the insurers paying down the premium at starting:--

£ s. d. First Class, leg ............................................ 1 11 6 Second ditto ditto .......................................... 1 7 9 First class, arm ............................................ 1 0 0 Second ditto ditto .......................................... 0 14 3 First Class, bridge of nose (very common with cuts from glass) 0 8 9 Second ditto ditto (common with contusions from wooden frames) 0 6 4 First Class, teeth each ..................................... 0 0 9 Whole set ................................................... 1 1 0 Second Class, ditto ......................................... 0 0 4-3/4 Whole set..................................................... 0 12 2 Necks, where the parties do not carry engraved cards with name and address, First Class............................. 5 5 0 Second ditto.................................................. 3 3 4

In all cases where the above sums are received in advance, the Company pledge themselves to allow a handsome discount for cuts, scratches, contusions, &c., &c.

All sums insured for to be paid six months after the death or recovery of the individual.

A contract may be entered into for wooden legs, glass eyes, strapping, bandages, splints, and sticking-plaister.

Several enterprising young men as guards, stokers, engineers, experimental tripists, and surgeons, wanted for immediate consumption.

Apply for qualifications and appointments, to the Branch Office, at the New Highgate Cemetery.

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NOTHING NEW.

The Tories are, truly, _Conservative_ elves, For every one knows they take care of themselves.

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SCHOOL OF DESIGN.

The public will be delighted to learn, there can be no doubt, as to the elegant acquirements of the various _attachés_ of the new Tory premier. The peculiar avidity with which they one and all appear determined to secure the salaries for their various suppositionary services, must convince the most sceptical that they have carefully studied the art of drawing.

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THE LABOURS OF THE SESSION.

None but Ministers know what Ministers go through for the pure love of their country; no person who has not reposed in the luxuriously-cushioned chairs of the Treasury or Downing-street can conceive the amount of business Sir Robert and his colleagues have transacted during the three months they have been in office. The people, we know, have been crying for bread--the manufacturers are starving--but their rebellious appetites will be appeased--their refractory stomachs will feel comforted, when they are told all that their friends the Tories have been doing for them. How will they blush for their ingratitude when they find that the following great measures have been triumphantly carried through Parliament by Sir Robert's exertions--The VENTILATING OF THE HOUSE BILL! Think of that, ye thin-gutted weavers of Manchester. Drop down on your marrow-bones, and bless the man who gives your representatives fresh air--though he denies you--a mouthful of coarse food. Then look at his next immense boon--The ROYAL KITCHEN-GARDEN BILL! What matters it that the gaunt fiend Famine sits at your board, when you can console yourselves with the reflection that cucumbers and asparagus will be abundant in the Royal Kitchen Garden! But Sir Robert does not stop here. What follows next?--The FOREIGN BISHOPS' BILL! See how our spiritual wants are cared for by your tender-hearted Tories--they shudder at the thoughts of Englishmen being fed on foreign corn; but they give them instead, a full supply of Foreign Bishops. After that comes--The REPORT OF THE LUNATICS' BILL. This important document has been founded on the proceedings in the Upper House, and is likely to be of vast service to the nation at large. Next follows the EXPIRING LAWS' BILL! We imagine that a slight error has been made in the title of this bill, and that it should be read "Expiring _Justice_ Bill!" As to expiring laws--'tis all a fallacy. One of the glorious privileges of the English Constitution is, that the laws never expire--neither do the lawyers--they are everlasting. Justice may die in this happy land, but law--never!