Chapter 3

Madame COLOMBIER, however, must cede in energy and boldness to the reckless devilry of the Spanish ex-Queen; for the cartridges manufactured by the wine-seller's wife were not to be discharged into the bed-room of her own infant daughters! They were certain not to shed the blood of her own children. Now the cartridges of the Rue de Courcelles were made for any service.

One more extract from the confessions of QUENISSET (_alias_ DON LEON):--

"At the corner of the Rue Traversière I saw Just, Auguste, and several other young men, whom I had seen in the morning receiving cartridges. Upon my asking whether the attack was to be made, _Just answered, Yes_. He felt for his pistols; my comrade got his ready under his blouse. I seized mine under my shirt. Just called to me, '_There, there, it is there you are to fire.' I fired. I thought that all the others would do the same; but they made me swallow the hook, and then left me to my fate, the rascals!_"

Poor DON LEON! So far the parallel is complete. The pistol was fired against Spanish liberty; and the royal Just, finding the object missed, sneaks off, and leaves his dupe for the executioner. There, however, the similitude fails. LOUIS-PHILIPPE sleeps in safety--if, indeed, the ghosts of his Spanish victims let him sleep at all; whilst for _Just_, the carpenter, he is marked for the guillotine. Could Justice have her own, we should see the King of the French at the bar of Spain; were the world guided by abstract right, one fate would fall to the carpenter and the King. History, however, will award his Majesty his just deserts. There is a Newgate Calendar for Kings as well as for meaner culprits.

There are, it is said, at the present moment in France fifty thousand communists; foolish, vicious men; many of them, doubtless, worthy of the galleys; and many, for whom the wholesome discipline of the mad-house would be at once the best remedy and punishment. Fifty thousand men organised in societies, the object of which is--what young France would denominate--philosophical plunder; a relief from the canker-eating chains of matrimony; a total destruction of all objects of art; and the common enjoyment of stolen goods. It is against this unholy confederacy that the moral force of LOUIS-PHILIPPE'S Government is opposed. It is to put down and destroy these bands of social brigands that the King of the French burns his midnight oil; and then, having extirpated the robber and the anarchist from France, his Majesty--for the advancement of political and social freedom--would kidnap the baby-Queen of Spain and her sister, to hold them as trump cards in the bloody game of revolution. That LOUIS-PHILIPPE, the _Just_ of Spain, can consign his fellow-conspirator, the _Just_ of Paris, to the scaffold, is a grave proof that there is no honour among a certain set of enterprising men, whom the crude phraseology of the world has denominated thieves.

It is to make the blood boil in our veins to read the account of the execution of such men as LEON, ORA, and BORIA, the foolish martyrs to a wicked cause. Never was a great social wrong dignified by higher courage. Our admiration of the boldness with which these men have faced their fate is mingled with the deepest regret that the prime conspirators are safe in Paris; that one sits in derision of justice on fellow criminals--on men whose crime may have some slight extenuation from ignorance, want, or fancied cause of revenge; that the other, with the surpassing meekness of Christianity, goes to mass in her carriage, distributes her alms to the poor, and, with her soul dyed with the blood of the young, the chivalrous, and the brave, makes mouths at Heaven in very mockery of prayer.

We once were sufficiently credulous to believe in the honesty of LOUIS-PHILIPPE; we sympathised with him as a bold, able, high-principled man fighting the fight of good government against a faction of smoke-headed fools and scoundrel desperadoes. He has out-lived our good opinion--the good opinion of the world. He is, after all, a lump of crowned vulgarity. Pity it is that men, the trusting and the brave, are made the puppets, the martyrs, of such regality!

As for Queen CHRISTINA, her path, if she have any touch of conscience, must be dogged by the spectres of her dupes. She is the Madame LAFFARGE of royalty; nay, worse--the incarnation of Mrs. BROWNRIGG. Indeed, what JOHNSON applied to another less criminal person may be justly dealt upon her:--"Sir, she is not a woman, she is a speaking cat!"

Q.

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* * * * *

HIS TURN NOW.

"They say the owl was a baker's daughter." "Oh, how the wheel becomes it."--SHAKSPEARE.

That immense cigar, our mild Cavannah, has at length met with his deserts, and left the sage savans of the fool's hotbed, London, the undisturbed possession of the diligently-achieved fool's-caps their extreme absurdity, egregious folly, and lout-like gullibility, have so splendidly qualified them to support.

This extraordinary and Heaven-gifted faster is at length laid by the heels. The full blown imposition has exploded--the wretched cheat is consigned to merited durance; while the trebly-_gammoned_ and unexampled spoons who were his willing dupes are in full possession of the enviable notoriety necessarily attendant upon their extreme amount of unmitigated folly.

This egregious liar and finger-post for thrice inoculated fools set out upon a provincial "Starring and Starving Expedition," issuing bills, announcing his wish to be open to public inspection, and delicately hinting the absolute necessity of shelling-out the browns, as though he, Bernard Cavanagh, did not eat, yet he had a brother "as did;" consequently, ways and means for the establishment and continuance of a small commissariat for the ungifted fraternal was delicately hinted at in the various documents containing the pressing invitations to "yokel population" to honour him with an inspection.

Numerous were the visitors and small the contributions attendant upon the circulation of these "documents in madness." Many men are rather notorious in our great metropolis for "living upon nothing," that is, existing without the aid of such hard food as starved the ass-eared Midas; out these gentlemen of invisible ways and means have a very decent notion of employing four out of the twenty four hours in supplying their internal economy with such creature comforts as, in days of yore, disinherited Esau, and procured a somewhat gastronomic celebrity for the far-famed Heliogabalus. But a gentleman who could treat his stomach like a postponed bill in the House of Commons--that is, adjourn it _sine die_, or take it into consideration "this day seven years"--was really a likely person to attract attention and excite curiosity: accordingly, Bernard Cavanagh was questioned closely by some of his visitors; but he, like the speculation, appeared to be "one not likely to answer."

Apparent efforts at concealment invariably lead to doubt, and, doubt engendering curiosity, is very like to undergo, especially from one of the fair sex, a scrutiny of the most searching kind. Eve caused the fall of Adam--a daughter of Eve has discovered and crushed this heretofore hidden mystery. This peculiarly _empty_ individual was discovered by the good lady--despite the disguise of a black patch upon his nose and an immeasurable outspread of Bandana superficially covering that (as he asserted) useless orifice, his mouth--sneaking into the far-off premises of a miscellaneous vendor of ready-dressed eatables; and there Bernard the faster--the anti-nourishment and terrestrial food-defying wonder--the certificated of Heaven knows how many deacons, parsons, physicians, and fools--demanded the very moderate allowance for his breakfast of a twopenny loaf, a sausage, and a quarter of a pound of ham _cut fat_: that's the beauty of it--cut fat! The astonished witness of this singular purchase rushed at once to the hotel: Cavanagh might contain the edibles, she could not: the affair was blown; an investigation very properly adjudicated upon the case; and three months' discipline at the tread-mill is now the reward of this arch-impostor's merits. So far so good; but in the name of common sense let some experienced practitioner in the art of "cutting for the simples" be furnished with a correct list of the awful asses he has cozened at "hood-man blind;" and pray Heaven they may each and severally be operated on with all convenient speed!

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"SLUMBER, MY DARLING."

During the vacation, the Judges' bench in each of the Courts at Westminster Hall has been furnished with luxurious air-cushions, and heated with the warm-air apparatus. Baron Parke declares that the Bench is now really a snug berth,--and, during one of Sergeant Bompas's long speeches, a most desirable place for taking

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A FAMILIAR EPISTLE

FROM

JOHN STUMP, ESQ., POET LAUREATE TO THE BOROUGH OF GRUB-CUM-GUZZLE,

TO

SIMON NIBB, ESQ., COMMON-COUNCIL-MAN OF THE SAID BOROUGH,

_Setting forth a notable Plan for the better management of_

RAILWAY DIRECTORS.

DEAR SIMON,

If I were a Parliament man, I'd make a long speech, and I'd bring in a plan, And prevail on the House to support a new clause In the very first chapter of Criminal Laws! But, to guard against getting too nervous or low (For my speech you're aware would be then a no-go), I'd attack, ere I went, some two bottles of Sherry, And chaunt all the way Row di-dow di-down-derry![1] Then having arrived (just to drive down the phlegm), I'd clear out my throat and pronounce a loud "Hem!" (So th' appearance of summer's preceded by swallows,) Make my bow to the House, and address it as follows:-- "Mr. Speaker! the state of the Criminal Laws" (Thus, like Cicero, at once go right into the cause) Is such as demands our most serious attention, And strong reprobation, and quick intervention." (This rattling of words, which is quite in the fashion, Shows the depth of my zeal, and the force of my passion.) "Though the traitor's obligingly eased of his head-- Though a Wilde[2] to the dark-frowning gallows is led-- Tho' the robber, when caught, is most kindly sent hence Beyond the blue wave, at his country's expense!-- Yet so bad, so disgracefully bad, seems to me The state of the law in this '_Land of the free_'"-- (Speak these words in a manner most zealous and fervid)-- That there's no law for those who most richly deserve it! Yes, Sir, 'tis a fact not less true than astounding-- A fact--to the wise with instruction abounding, That those who the face of the country destroy, And hurl o'er the best scenes of Nature alloy-- Who Earth's brightest portions cut through at a dash-- Who mix beauty and beastliness all in one hash"-- (I don't dwell upon deaths, since a reason so brittle Is but worthy of minds unpoetic and little)-- "Base scum of the Earth, and sweet Nature's dissectors, Meet with no just reward--these same Railway Directors!" I've not mentioned the "Laughters," the "Bravos," the "Hears," "Agitations," "Sensations," and "Deafening Cheers," Which of course would attend a speech _so_ patriotic, So truly exciting, and anti-narcotic! In this style I'd proceed, 'till I'd proved to the House That these railways, in fact, were a national _chouse_, And the best thing to do for poor Earth, to protect her, Would be--_to hang daily a Railway Director!_ _Of course_ the Hon. Members could ne'er have a thought Of opposing a motion with kindness so fraught; But would welcome with fervent and loud acclamation } A project so teeming with consideration, } As a model of justice, a boon to the nation! } Such, Simon, if I were a Parliament man, The basis would be, and the scope, of my plan! But my rushlight is drooping--so trusting diurnally, To hear your opinion--believe me eternally (Whilst swearing affection, best swear in the lump) Your obedient, devoted, admiring, JOHN STUMP.

[1] The exact tune of this interesting song it has not been in our power to discover--it is, however, undoubtedly a truly national melody.

[2] After due inquiry we have satisfied ourselves that the individual here mentioned is _not_ H.M.'s late Solicitor-General, but one Jonathan Wilde, touching whose history _vide_ Jack Sheppard.

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PROSPECTUS FOR A NEW HAND-BOOK OF JESTERS;

OR, YOUNG JOKER'S BEST COMPANION.

"All the world's a joke, and all the men and women merely jokers."--_Shakspeare_. From the text of Joseph Miller.

Messrs. GAG and GAMMON beg most respectfully to call the strict attention of the reading public to the following brief prospectus of their forthcoming work "On Jokes for all subjects." Messrs. GAG and GAMMON pledge themselves to produce an article at present unmatched for application and originality, upon such terms as must secure them the patronage and lasting gratitude of their many admirers. Messrs. GAG and GAMMON propose dividing their highly-seasoned and warranted-to-keep-in-any-climate universal facetiæ into the following various heads, departments, or classes:--

General jokes for all occasions; chiefly applicable to individuals' names, expressive of peculiar colours.

A very superior article on _Browns_--if required, bringing in said Browns in Black and White.

Embarrassed do., very humorous, with _Duns_; and a choice selection of unique references to the copper coin of the realm. Worthy the attention of young beginners, and very safe for small country towns, with one wit possessed of a good horse-laugh for his own, or rather Messrs. G. and G.'s jokes.

Do. do. on _Greens_, very various: bring in _Sap_ superbly, and _Pea_ with peculiar power; with a short cut to _Lettus (Lettuce)_, and Hanson's Patent Safety,--a beautiful allusion to the "Cab-age." May be tried when there is an attorney and young doctor, with a perfect certainty of success.

Do. do. do. On _Wiggins_; very pungent, suitable to the present political position; offering a beautiful contrast of Wig-_ins_ and Wig-_outs_; capable of great ramifications, and may be done at least twice a-night in a half whisper in mixed society.

Also some "Delightful Dinner Diversions, or Joke Sauces for all Joints."

_Calves-head_.--Brings in fellow-feeling; family likeness; cannibalism; "tête-à-tête"; while the brain sauce and tongue are never-failing.

_Goose_.--Same as above, with allusions to the "sage;" two or three that _stick in the gizzard_; and a beautiful work up with a "long liver."

_Ducks_.--Very military: bring in _drill_; drumsticks; breastwork; and pair of ducks for light clothing and summer wear.

_Snipes_.--Good for lawyers; long bill. Gallantry; "Toast be dear Woman." Mercantile; run on banks. And infants; living on suction.

_Herring_.--Capital for _bride_: _her-ring_; petticoats, flannel and otherwise, _herring-boned_. Fat people; _bloaters_; &c. &c. &c.

_Venison_.--Superior, for offering everybody some of your sauce. Sad subject, as it ought to be looked upon with a grave eye (_gravy_). Wish your friends might always give you such _a cut_. &c. &c. &c.

_Port_.--Like well-baked bread, best when crusty; flies out of glass because of the "bee's wing." Always happy to become a _porter_ on such occasions; object to general breakages, but partial to the cracking of a bottle; comes from a good "cellar" and a good buyer, though no wish to be a good-bye-er to it. All the above with beautiful leading cues, and really with two or three rehearsals the very best things ever done.

_Sherry_.--"Do you sherry?" "Not just yet." "Rather unlucky, _white whining_: like a bottle of port; but no objection to _share he_. Hope never to be out of the Pale of do.; if so, will submit to be done Brown."

N.B.--After an election dinner, any of the above valued at a six weeks' invitation from any voter under the influence of his third bottle; and absolute reversion of the chair, when original chairman disappears under table.

_Champagne_.--Real pleasure (quite new--never thought of before)--must be _Wright's_; nothing _left_ about it; intoxicating portion of a bird, getting drunk with pheasant's eye. What gender's wine? _Why hen's_ feminine. Safe three rounds; and some others not quite compact.

_Hock_.--Hic, hec, do.

_Hugeous_.--Glass by all means (_very new_); never could decline it, &c. &c. &c.

_Dessert_.--Wish every one had it; join hands with _ladies' fingers_ and bishops' thumbs: Prince Albert and Queen very choice "Windsor pairs;" medlars; unpleasant neighbour: nuts; decidedly lunatic, sure to be cracked; disbanding Field Officers shelling out the kernels, &c. &c. &c.

The above are but a few samples from the very extensive joke manufactory of Messrs. Gammon and Gag, sole patentees of the powerful and prolific steam-joke double-action press. They are all warranted of the very best quality, and last date.

Old jokes taken in exchange--of course allowing a liberal per-centage.

Gentlemen's own materials made up in the most superior style, and at the very shortest notice.

Election squibs going off--a decided sacrifice of splendid talent.

Ideas convertible in cons., puns, and epigrams, always on hand.

Laughs taught in six lessons.

A treatise on leading subjects for experienced jokers just completed.

A large volume of choice sells will be put up by Mr. George Robins on the 1st of April next, unless previously disposed of by private contract.

N.B.--Well worthy the attention of sporting and other punsters.

Also a choice cachinatory chronicle, entitled "How to Laugh, and what to Laugh at."

For further particulars apply to Messrs. Gag and Gammon, new and second-hand depôt for gentlemen's left-off facetiæ, Monmouth-street; and at their West-end establishment, opposite the Black Doll, and next door to Mr. Catnach, Seven-dials.

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VERSES

ON MISS CHAPLIN--AND

THE BACK OF AN ADELPHI PLAYBILL.

Let Bulwer and Stephens write epics like mad, With lofty hexameters grapplin', My theme is as good, though my verse be as bad, For 'tis all about Ellena Chaplin!

As lovely a nymph as the rhapsodist sees To inspire his romantical nap. Lin Ne'er saw such a charming celestial Chinese "Maid of Honour" as Ellena Chaplin.

O Yates! let us give thee due credit for this:-- Thou hast an infallible trap lain-- For mouths cannot hiss, when they long for a kiss; As thou provest--with Ellena Chaplin.

E'en the water wherein (in "Die Hexen am Rhein") She dives (in an elegant wrap-lin- Sey-woolsey, I guess) seems bewitch'd into wine, When duck'd in by Ellena Chaplin.

A fortunate blade will be he can persuade This nymph to some church or some chap'l in,-- And change to a wife the most beautiful Maid Of the theatre--Ellena Chaplin!

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CAUSE AND EFFECT.

The active and speculative Alderman Humphrey, being always ready to turn a penny, has entered into a contract to supply a tribe of North American Indians with second-hand wearing apparel during the ensuing winter. In pursuance of this object he applied yesterday at the Court of Chancery to purchase the "530 suits, including 40 removed from the 'Equity Exchequer,' which occupy the cause list for the present term." Upon the discovery of his mistake the Alderman wisely determined on

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NEW ANNUALS AND REPUBLICATIONS.

ANNUALS.

FORGET-ME-NOT Dedicated to the "Irish Pisantry." By Mayor Dan O'Connell. FRIENDSHIP'S OFFERING Dedicated by Mr. Roebuck to the _Times_. THE BOOK OF BEAUTY Edited by Col. Sibthorp and Mr. Muntz. THE JUVENILE ANNUAL Edited by the Queen, and dedicated to Prince Albert

REPUBLICATIONS.

ON NOSOLOGY By the Duke of Wellington and Lord Brougham. A TREATISE ON ELOQUENCE By W. Gibson Craig, M.P. COOPER'S DEAR-SLAYER By Lord Palmerston.

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DISCOVERY OF VALUABLE JEWELS.

Public curiosity has been a good deal excited lately by mysterious rumours concerning some valuable jewels, which, it was said, had been discovered at the Exchequer. The pill-box supposed to enclose these costly gems being solemnly opened, it was found to contain nothing but an antique pair of false promises, set in copper, once the property of Sir Francis Burdett; and a bloodstone amulet, ascertained to have belonged to the Duke of Wellington. The box was singularly enough tied with red official tape, and sealed with treasury wax, the motto on the seal being "_Requiscat in Pace_."

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SAYINGS & DOINGS IN THE ROYAL NURSERY.

We are enabled to assure our readers that his Royal Highness the Duke of Cornwall has appointed Lord Glengall pap-spoon in waiting to his Royal Highness.

The Lord Mayor, Lord Londonderry, Sir Peter Laurie, Sir John Key, Colonel Sibthorp, Mr. Goulburn, Peter Borthwick, Lord Ashburton, and Sir E.L. Bulwer, were admitted to an interview with his Royal Highness, who received them in "full cry," and was graciously pleased to confer on our Sir Peter extraordinary proofs of his royal condescension. The distinguished party afterwards had the honour of partaking of caudle with the nursery-maids.

Sir John Scott Lillie has informed us confidentially, that he is not the individual of that name who has been appointed monthly nurse in the Palace. Sir John feels that his qualifications ought to have entitled him to a preference.

The captain of the _Britannia_ states that he fell in with two large whales between Dover and Boulogne on last Monday. There is every reason to believe they were coming up the Thames to offer their congratulations to the future Prince of _Whales_.

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THE REWARD OF VIRTUE.

We understand that Sir Peter Laurie has been presented with the Freedom of the Barber's Company, enclosed in a pewter shaving-box of the value of fourpence-halfpenny. On the lid is a medallion of

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A difficulty, it is thought, may arise in bestowing the customary honour upon the chief magistrate of the city, upon the birth of a male heir to the throne, in consequence of the Prince being born on the day on which the late Mayor went out and the present one came into office. Sir Peter Laurie suggests that a petition be presented to the Queen, praying that her Majesty may (in order to avoid a recurrence of such an awkward dilemma) be pleased in future to

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PUNCH'S THEATRE.

COURT AND CITY.

The other evening, the public were put in possession, at Covent Garden Theatre, of a new branch of art in play concoction, which may be called "dramatic distillation." By this process the essence of two or more old comedies is extracted; their characters and plots amalgamated; and the whole "rectified" by the careful expunction of equivocal passages. Finally, the _drame_ is offered to the public in _act_ive potions; five of which are a dose.