Chapter 3

OF THE WORLD IN GENERAL.

_Q._ What is geography?

_A._ The looking for _places_ on a map, or in Downing-street, or anywhere else in the world.

_Q._ What do you mean by the world?

_A._ Every place comprehended within the circle of a sixpenny omnibus fare from the Bank.

_Q._ Of what is the world composed?

_A._ Of bricks and mortar, and Thames water.

_Q._ Into how many parts is the world usually divided?

_A._ Into four great parts, viz.--London, Westminster, Marylebone, and Finsbury; to which may be added the Borough, which is over the water. Or it may be said that Fashion has divided the world into two distinct parts, viz.--the East-end and the West-end, and a great number of suburbs.

_Q._ How are the bricks and mortar subdivided?

_A._ Into continents, islands, peninsulas, and isthmuses.

_Q._ What is a continent?

_A._ Any district containing a number of separate residences and distinct tenements, as _St. James's_, _St. Giles's_.

_Q._ What is an island?

_A._ An island is anything surrounded by the Thames, as _The Eel-Pie Island_, and _The Convict Hulk_ at Deptford.

_Q._ What is a peninsula?

_A._ Anything that runs into the Thames, as _The Suspension Pier at Chelsea_, and _Jack-in-the-Water_ at the Tower-stairs.

_Q._ What is an isthmus?

_A._ A narrow place that joins two continents together, as _Temple bar_, which joins _Westminster_ to the _City_.

_Q._ How is the Thames water divided?

_A._ Morally speaking, it is divided into river water, pipe water, and gin-and-water.

_Q._ Where is river water found?

_A._ Anywhere between Vauxhall and London Bridges. It is inhabited principally by flounders and bargemen.

_Q._ What is pipe water?

_A._ An intermitting stream, having its source at some distant basin. It usually runs into a cistern, until the water-rates get into arrear, when the supply ceases through the intervention of a turncock.

_Q._ Where is gin-and-water to be found?

_A._ All over the world; but especially in the vicinity of a cab-stand.

_Q._ In what other manner is the Thames water divided?

_A._ Physically speaking, into oceans, seas, gulfs, bays, straits, lakes and rivers.

_Q._ What is an ocean?

_A._ Any great body of water whose limits it is impossible to describe, as _The Floating Bath_ at Southwark-bridge, and _The Real Tank_ at the Adelphi Theatre.

_Q._ What is a sea?

_A._ Any small collection of water, as at Chel_sea_, Batter_sea._

_Q._ What is a gulf?

_A._ A gulf is any place, the greater part of which is surrounded by lawyers, as _Lincoln's Inn,--The Court of Chancery_.

_Q._ What is a haven?

_A._ A commodious harbour, where people lie at anchor in perfect security, as _The Queen's Bench,--The Fleet_, the sight of which is

_Q._ What is a strait?

_A._ A strait is a narrow passage which connects two broad principles as _Wakley's Straits_, which join Radicalism and Conservatism.

_Q._ What is a lake?

_A._ A lake is any small portion of Honesty, entirely surrounded by Self, as _Peel's Politics_.

_Q._ What is a river?

_A._ A river is a Tax-stream which rises from the Treasury, and runs into the pockets of the Ministerial party. The People are _the source_ of the stream--the Ministry is _the mouth_. When the mouth is very wide, it is called a _Tory mouth_. The _right_ or _left_ banks of a Tax stream are the _Treasury_ or _Opposition benches_, to the right or left of the Speaker when he has his back to the source.

_Q._ How are tax streams divided?

_A._ Into _salaries_ and _pensions_.

_Q._ What is _a conflux_?

_A._ Any place where two or more salaries or pensions are united, as The Duke's breeches-pocket.

_Q._ Is there any other peculiarity attending a tax stream?

_A._ Yes. _Radicalism_ is that part of a stream nearest to its _source_; _Toryism_ that part nearest to its _mouth_.

* * * * *

SPARKS FROM THE FIRE.

ALL IS NOT LOST.

Colonel Sibthorp begs to inform the Editor of Punch that the loss of the wooden gun named "Policy," which was destroyed by the late fire at the Tower, is not irreparable. He has himself been for a long time employed by the Tories for a similar purpose as that for which the "Policy" had been successfully used, namely, to make the enemy believe they were well provided with real artillery; and being now the _greatest wooden gun_ in the world, he will, immediately on the Lower Armoury being rebuilt, be happy to take the place of the gun which has been unfortunately consumed.

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DISTRESS OF THE COUNTRY.

BY THE AUTHOR OF "LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF LONDON LIFE."

Merciful Heaven! we shudder as we write! The state of destitution to which the civic authorities are reduced is appalling. Will our readers believe it--there were only five hundred tureens of turtle, or two thousand five hundred pints, or _five thousand_ basins, amongst not quite fifteen hundred guests,--only two basins and a half a man,--for the first course! But we print the bill of fare; it will be read with intense interest by the manufacturers of Paisley, inhabitants of poor-law unions, but more especially by the literary community.

"GENERAL BILL OF FARE.--250 tureens of real turtle, containing five pints each; 200 bottles of sherbet; 6 dishes of fish; 30 entrées; 4 boiled turkeys and oysters; 60 roast pullets; 60 dishes of fowls; 46 ditto of capons; 50 French pies; 60 pigeon pies; 53 hams (ornamented); 43 tongues; 2 quarters of house lamb; 2 barons of beef; 3 rounds of beef; 2 stewed rumps of beef; 13 sirloins, rumps, and ribs of beef; 6 dishes of asparagus; 60 ditto of mashed and other potatoes; 44 ditto of shell-fish; 4 ditto of prawns; 140 jellies; 50 blancmanges; 40 dishes of tarts (creamed); 30 ditto of orange and other tourtes; 40 ditto of almond pastry; 20 Chantilly baskets; 60 dishes of mince pies; 56 salads; peas and asparagus. The Removes:--30 roast turkeys; 6 leverets; 80 pheasants; 24 geese; 40 dishes of partridges; 15 dishes of wild fowl; 2 pea-fowls. Dessert:--100 pineapples, from 2 lb. to 3 lb. each; 200 dishes of hot-house grapes; 250 ice creams; 50 dishes of apples; 100 ditto of pears; 60 ornamented Savoy cakes; 75 plates of walnuts; 80 ditto of dried fruit and preserves; 50 ditto of preserved ginger; 60 ditto of rout cakes and chips; 46 ditto of brandy cherries.

"THE PRINCIPAL TABLE (at which the Right Hon. the Lord Mayor presides).--10 tureens of turtle, 10 bottles of sherbet, 6 dishes of fish, 30 entrées, 1 boiled turkey and oysters, 2 roast pullets, 2 dishes of fowls, 2 ditto of capons, 2 French pies, 2 pigeon pies, 2 hams (ornamented), 2 tongues, 1 quarter of house-lamb, 1 stewed rump of beef, 1 sirloin of beef, 6 dishes of asparagus, 2 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 3 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 3 jellies, 3 blancmanges, 2 dishes of tarts (creamed), 2 dishes of orange and other tourtes, 2 dishes of almond pastry, 4 Chantilly baskets, 2 dishes of mince pies, 4 salads. Removes:--3 roast turkeys, 1 leveret, 3 pheasants, 2 geese, 2 dishes of partridges, 1 dish of wild fowl, 2 peafowls. Dessert:--6 pine-apples, 12 dishes of grapes, 10 ice creams, 2 dishes of apples, 4 dishes of pears, 2 ornamented Savoy cakes, 3 plates of walnuts, 4 plates of dried fruit and preserves, 3 plates of preserved ginger, 3 plates of rout cakes and chips, 3 plates of brandy cherries.

"THE FIVE UPPER TABLES.--80 tureens of turtle, 60 bottles of sherbet, 3 boiled turkeys and oysters, 16 roast pullets, 20 dishes of fowls, 15 ditto of capons, 16 French pies, 16 pigeon pies, 16 hams (ornamented), 13 tongues, 1 quarter of house-lamb, 1 round of beef, 1 stewed rump of beef, 4 sirloins, rumps and ribs of beef, 20 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 12 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 40 jellies, 16 blancmanges, 13 dishes of tarts (creamed), 9 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 13 ditto of almond pastry, 16 Chantilly baskets, 20 dishes of mince pies, 17 salads. Removes: 23 roast turkeys, 5 leverets, 23 pheasants, 7 geese, 13 dishes of partridges, 5 ditto of wild fowl. Dessert:--32 pine-apples, 64 dishes of grapes, 80 ice creams, 15 dishes of apples, 30 ditto of pears, 18 ornamented Savoy cakes, 24 plates of walnuts, 26 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 15 ditto of preserved ginger, 18 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 14 ditto of brandy cherries.

"THE FIVE SHORT TABLES NEXT THE UPPER TABLES.--26 tureens of turtle, 22 bottles of sherbet, 3 roast pullets, 6 dishes of fowls, 5 dishes of capons, 5 French pies, 7 pigeon pies, 6 hams (ornamented), 5 tongues, 1 sirloin of beef, 6 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 5 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 16 jellies, 5 blancmanges, 4 dishes of tarts (creamed), 3 dishes of orange and other tourtes, 4 dishes of almond pastry, 6 dishes of mince pies, 6 salads. Removes:--10 roast turkeys, 10 pheasants, 3 geese, 4 dishes of partridges. Dessert:--10 pine-apples, 20 dishes of grapes, 26 ice creams, 5 dishes of apples, 12 ditto of pears, 7 ornamented Savoy cakes, 8 plates of walnuts, 8 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 5 ditto of preserved ginger, 7 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 5 ditto of brandy cherries.

"THE FOUR LONG TABLES IN THE BODY OF THE HALL.--80 tureens of turtle, 60 bottles of sherbet, 17 roast pullets, 20 dishes of fowls, 15 dishes of capons, 16 French pies, 20 pigeon pies, 16 hams (ornamented), 13 tongues, 1 round of beef, 1 stewed rump of beef, 4 sirloins, rumps, and ribs of beef, 20 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 13 dishes of shell-fish, 40 jellies, 16 blancmanges, 13 dishes of tarts (creamed), 10 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 13 ditto of almond pastry, 20 ditto of mince pies, 17 salads. Removes:--23 roast turkeys, 23 pheasants, 7 geese, 13 dishes of partridges, 5 ditto of wild fowl. Dessert:--32 pine-apples, 64 dishes of grapes, 80 ice creams, 16 dishes of apples, 30 ditto of pears, 20 ornamented Savoy cakes, 24 plates of walnuts. 26 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 16 ditto of preserved ginger, 20 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 15 ditto of brandy cherries.

"THE SEVEN SIDE TABLES.--24 tureens of turtle, 20 bottles of sherbet, 7 roast pullets, 5 dishes of fowls, 4 ditto of capons, 5 French pies, 5 pigeon pies, 6 hams (ornamented), 4 tongues, 1 sirloin of beef, 5 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 4 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 15 jellies, 4 blancmanges, 3 dishes of tarts (creamed), 2 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 3 ditto of almond pastry, 5 ditto of mince pies, 5 salads. Removes--9 roast turkeys, 9 pheasants, 2 geese, 20 dishes of partridges. Dessert:--8 pine-apples, 16 dishes of grapes, 24 ice creams, 5 dishes of apples, 16 ditto of pears, 6 ornamented Savoy cakes, 7 plates of walnuts, 7 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 5 ditto of preserved ginger, 6 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 4 ditto of brandy cherries.

"THE THREE TABLES IN THE OLD COURT OF QUEEN'S BENCH.--30 tureens of turtle, 28 bottles of sherbet, 10 roast pullets, 7 dishes of fowls. 6 ditto of capons, 5 French pies, 10 pigeon pies, 7 hams (ornamented), 6 tongues, 1 round of beef, 2 sirloins and ribs of beef, 7 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 6 ditto of shell-fish, 21 jellies, 6 blancmanges, 5 dishes of tarts (creamed), 4 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 5 ditto of almond pastry, 7 ditto of mince pies, 7 salads. Removes:--12 roast turkeys, 12 pheasants, 3 geese, 5 dishes of partridges, 4 ditto of wild fowl. Dessert:--12 pine-apples, 24 dishes of grapes, 30 ice creams, 7 dishes of apples, 14 ditto of pears, 7 ornamented Savoy cakes, 9 plates of walnuts, 9 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 6 ditto of preserved ginger, 7 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 5 ditto of brandy cherries.

"WINES:--Champagne, Hock, Claret, Madeira, Port, and Sherry."

* * * * *

THE DESTRUCTION OF THE ALDERMEN.

A MANSION-HOUSE MELODY.

Apoplexia came down on the Alderman fold, And his cohorts were gleaming with jaundice like gold, And the sheen of the spectres that own'd his behest Glimmer'd bright as the gas at a new Lord May'r's feast.

Every fiend that humanity shrinks from was there-- Hepatitis, Lumbago, with hollow-eyed Care, Hypochondria, and Gout grinning ghastly with pain, And of Incubi phantoms a horrible train.

And onwards they gallop'd in brotherly pairs; Their pennons pale yellow, their steeds were night mares; And their leader's grim visage a darksome smile wore As he gave the word "Halt" at the Mansion-house door.

The vision dismounted, and peering within, 'Midst a rattle of glasses and knife and fork din, His victims beheld, tucking in calipash, While they hob-nobb'd and toasted in Burgundy wash.

Then he straightway amongst them his grisly form cast, And breathed on each puffing red face as he pass'd; And the eyes of the feasters wax'd deadly and chill, And their stomachs once heaved, and for ever grew still!

And the turtle devourers were stretched on the floor-- Each cheek changed to purple--so crimson before! Their dewlaps all dabbled with red wine and ale, And extremities cold as a live fish's tail!

And there lay the Liv'ryman, breathless and lorn, With waistcoat and new inexpressibles torn; And the Hall was all silent, the band having flown, And the waiters stared wildly on, sweating and blown!

And Cripplegate widows are loud in their wail! And Mary-Axe orphans all trembling and pale! For the Alderman glory has melted away, As mists are dispersed by the glad dawn of day.

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_HARMER VIRUMQUE CANO._

In the list of guests at the Lord Mayor's dinner we did not perceive the name of "Harmer" among those who met to "despatch" the viands. On inquiry we learn that since the fire at the Tower he has secluded himself in his own _Harmer-y_, and has not egressed from "Ingress Abbey," for fear of incendiaries. The ex-alderman having however always shown a decided predilection for Gravesend, it is not wonderful that during the wet season he should be

* * * * *

A CHAPTER ON POLITICS.

WHEREIN "PUNCH" HINTETH AT A STARTLING CHANGE IN THE MODUS OPERANDI OF LEGISLATION.--HE ALSO EXHIBITETH A PROFOUND KNOWLEDGE OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS; AND SHOWETH HOW AT HOME WE ARE ALL ABROAD.

At a period when every Englishman, from the Minister to the Quack Doctor (and extremes very often meet), is laying down his pseudo-political principles, PUNCH desires to expound his practical and scientific plan for increasing prosperity and preserving peace. Yes, at a moment like this, when the party difference "'twixt Tweedledum and Tweedledee" has produced a total stand-still; when Whigs cannot move, and when Tories will not,--PUNCH steps forward to prescribe (without a fee) for the sinking Constitution.

PUNCH _loquitur_.--A very great genius--one almost equal to myself--has declared that of the great mass of mankind, ninety-nine out of every hundred are lost in error. Every day proves the fact.--From the Peer, who mistakes exclusiveness for dignity, and a power to injure for a right to oppress, to the Peasant, who confounds aggression and insolence with justice and independence, it is all error! error!! error!!!

Upon this fact rests the basis of my wonderful improvements. If the majority be wrong, the inference is obvious--the minority must be right. Then, in future, let everything be conducted by the minority--the sensible few. Behold the consequences!

In those days we shall have Mr. Samuel Carter Hall, who polled three days and got--one vote, declared County Member elect. Sibthorp shall be a man of weight and influence, "giving to (h)airy nothing a local habitation and a name." Roebuck shall be believed to have had ancestors; and shall wring the nose of some small boy attached to _The Times_ newspaper; and the Whigs--yes, the Whigs--shall be declared both wise and honest: though Parliament has pronounced them fools, and the country has believed them to be knaves.

_Pupil of Punch, respondet_.--That would be a change, Punch! Rather. Cast your eye around and see the workings of this grand principle; the labours of the many compassed by the few--steam and slavery.

_Punch_.--Very true! Let me now draw your attention to the real difference between the English and some foreign governments:--

The Turkish minister generally loses his power and his head at the same time; the English minister carries on his business without a head at all. For the performance of his duty the former is decapitated--the latter is incapacitated.

The Japanese legislator when disgraced invariably rips up his bowels; the English legislator is invariably in disgrace, but has no bowels to rip up. With some other nations the unsuccessful leader gets bow-stringed and comfortably sown up in a sack; our great man is satisfied with getting the sack, having previously bagged as much as lay in his power.

(Next week I may probably continue the lecture and the parallels.)

* * * * *

THE PRINCE'S EXTRA.

At Gray's Inn the loyalty of that society was manifested in a very gratifying manner: the treasurer and benchers having ordered _extra wine_ to be served to the barristers and students, the health of her Majesty and the infant Prince was drunk with enthusiastic rapture.

Long live the Prince! For many a year To wet each student's throttle; He well deserves an _extra cheer_, Who brings an _extra bottle_.

* * * * *

PUNCH'S THEATRE.

THE WRONG MAN.

The author of this farce hath placed himself in the first section of the second chapter of that treatise on "Dramatic Casualties" which hath helped to make "Punch" the oracle of wit and of wisdom he has become to the entire intelligence of the land, from the aristocracy upwards[2]. In this instance he is truly one who "writeth a farce or comedy and neglecteth to introduce jokes in the same." But this we hope will prove a solitary instance of such neglect; for when he next inditeth, may he show that he is not the "Wrong Man" to write a good piece; although alas, he appeared on Saturday last to be exactly the right man for penning a bad one.

[2] Punch, No. 11 page 131.

When a playwright produces a plot whose incidents are just within the possibilities, and far beyond the probabilities, of this life, it is said to be "ingenious," because of the crowd of circumstances that are huddled into each scene. According to this acceptation, the "Wrong Man" would be a highly ingenious farce; if that may be called a farce from which the remotest semblance of facetiæ is scrupulously excluded. Proceed we, therefore, to an analysis of the fable with becoming gravity.

At the outset we are introduced to a maiden lady in (_horresco referens!_) her private apartment; but to save scandal, the introduction is not made without company--there is also her maid. _Patty Smart_, although not a new servant, has chosen that precise moment to inform her mistress concerning the exact situation of her private circumstances, and the precise state of her heart. She is in love: it is for _Simon Tack_ that the flame is kept alive; he, a dapper upholder, upholds her affections. At this point, a triangular note is produced, which plainly foretells a dishonourable rival. You are not deceived; it proposes an assignation in that elysium of bachelors and precipice of destruction for young ladies, the Albany. Wonderful to relate, it is from _Miss Thomasina Fringe's_ nephew, _Sir Bryan Beausex_. The maiden dame is inconceivably shocked; and to show her detestation of this indelicate proposal, agrees to personate _Patty_ and keep the appointment herself, for the pleasure of inflicting on her nephew a heap of mortification and a moral lecture. _Mr. Tack_ is the next appearance: being an upholsterer, of course he has the run of the house, so it is not at all odd to find him in a maiden lady's boudoir; the more especially as he enters from behind his natural element--the window curtains.

It is astonishing with what pertinacity the characters in most farces will bore one with their private affairs when they first appear! In this respect _Sir Bryan Beausex_, in the next scene, is quite as bad as _Patty_ was in the former one. He seems to have invited four unoffending victims to dine at his chambers in the Albany, on purpose to inform them that in his youth he was betrothed to a girl whom he has never since seen; but what that has to do with telling his guests to be off, because he expects a charming little lady's-maid at six, his companions are doubtless puzzled to understand. One of them, however, is _Beechwood_--a very considerably diluted edition of _Jerry Bumps_ in "Turning the Tables"--who determines to revenge this early turn-out by a trick upon the inhospitable host, and goes off to develop it--to commence, in fact, the farce.

_Sir Bryan Beausex_ is waiting with impatience the arrival of _Patty_, when his servant enters with a letter, which he says has been just delivered by a servant, who galloped up to the door on a horse--an extraordinary clever hack, we should say; for, to perform this feat, he must have broken through a porter's lodge, galloped over a smooth pavement, and under a roof so low, that Lord Burghersh can only traverse it with his hat off. We should like to see a horse-race in the Albany avenue! The letter thus so cavalierly brought, contains news of an accident that has happened to _Miss Fringe_, and summons _Beausex's_ immediate presence. Off he goes, and on comes _Beechwood_ with a "Ha! ha! ha!, fairly hoaxed," and all that; which is usually laughed and said by hoaxers _of_ hoaxees.

It has happened that _Mr. Tack_, the upholsterer, having had a peep at the contents of the cocked-hat billet, addressed to Mistress _Smart_, conceives a violent fit of jealousy, and having also _Beausex's_ custom, has the range of his house as well as that of _Miss Fringe_. So by this time we naturally find him behind _Sir Bryan's_ window-curtains, to witness the interview between him and the future _Mrs. Tack_; that is to say, if she prove not false.

Things approach to a crisis. _Miss Fringe_ enters, but brings with her _Alice_, the young lady whose infant heart was betrothed to _Beausex_. She, taking the place of _Patty Smart_, goes through a dialogue with _Beechwood_ instead of _Beausex_; and we now learn that the former christens the farce, he being the "Wrong Man." Somewhere near this point of the story the first act ends.

The second act is occupied in clearing up the mistakes which the audience know all about already; but those among them who had, up to about the middle of it, been waiting with exemplary patience for the jokes, began to get tired of having nothing to laugh at, and hissed. Despite these noisy drawbacks, however, we were able to find out that _Beausex_ loses his cousin _Alice_ and her fortune (a regular farce fortune--some five or six hundred thousand pounds or so); for she falls in love with _Beechwood_, and _vice versa_. _Tack_ and _Patty Smart_ are rendered happy; but what really becomes of _Beausex_ and his aunt the sibilants forbad our knowing. We suppose, by Mr. Bartley's pantomime, that _Sir Bryan_ puts up with his hoax and his lady-loss with a good grace; for he flourished about his never-absent pocket-handkerchief with one hand, shook hands with _Miss Fringe_ with the other, stepped forward, did some more dumb show to the dissentients, and, with the rest of the actors, bowed down the curtain.

We perceive by the Times that the author of the "Wrong Man" is not so very culpable after all. He is guiltless of the plot; that being taken from a French piece called "Le Tapissier."

* * * * *

THE MASONS AND THE STONE JUG.

Mr. Wakley feelingly remarked at the late meeting of the union masons that the "man who would lock up _a pump_ was unfit to hold any situation of trust." On the strength of this opinion the Earl of Waklegrave and Captain Duff intend to proceed against the Marshal of the Queen's Bench for having _locked them up_ for these last six months.

* * * * *

"THE FORCE OF FANCY COULD NO FURTHER GO."

The Times gives an extract from the _Norwich Aurora_, an American paper, descriptive of a newly discovered cavern. The writer, with a power of imagination almost marvellous, remarks, "The air in the cavern had a peculiar smell, resembling--NOTHING." We believe that is the identical flavour of "_Leg of Nothing and no turnips_."

* * * * *

CONUNDRUM BY THE LORD MAYOR.

Why does a drunken milkmaid resemble a celebrated French diplomatist?--Because she is like to _tally-wrong_--(Talleyrand.)

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