Chapter 5

But we were not happy. There was a something that told us it was not Vauxhall: the G R's were V R's--the cocked hats were round hats--the fiddlers were foreigners--the Rotunda was Astley's--the night was moon-shiny--and there was not--our pen weeps whilst we trace the mournful fact--there was not "Simpson" to exclaim, "Welcome to the royal property!" Urbane M.A.C., wouldst that thou hadst been a Mussulman, then wouldst thou doubtlessly be gliding about amid an Eden of Houris, uttering to the verge of time the hospitable sentence which has rendered thy name immortal--Peace to thy manes!

STRAND.--The enterprising managers of this elegant little theatre have produced another mythological drama, called "The Frolics of the Fairies; or, the Rose, Shamrock, and Thistle," from the pen of Leman Rede, who is, without doubt, the first of this class of writers. The indisposition of Mr. Hall was stated to be the cause of the delay in the production of this piece; out, from the appearance of the bills, we are led to infer that it arose from the _indisposition_ of Mrs. Waylett to shine in the same hemisphere with that little brilliant, Mrs. Keeley, and "a gem of the first water" she proved herself to be on Wednesday night. It would be useless to enter into the detail of the plot of an ephemeron, that depends more upon its quips and cranks than dramatic construction for its success. It abounds in merry conceits, which that merriest of--dare we call her mere woman?--little Mrs. Bob rendered as pointed as a Whitechapel needle of the finest temper. The appointments and arrangements of the stage reflect the highest credit on the management, and the industry which can labour to surmount the difficulties which we know to exist in the production of anything like scenic effect in the Strand Theatre, deserve the encouragement which we were gratified to see bestowed upon this little Temple of Momus.

* * * * *

The Olympic Theatre has obtained an extension of its licence from the Lord Chamberlain, and will shortly open with a company selected from Ducrow's late establishment; but whether the _peds_ are _bi_ or _quadru_, rumour sayeth not.

A CARD.

MESSRS. FUDGE and VAMP beg to inform novelists and writers of tales in general, that they supply _dénouements_ to unfinished stories, on the most reasonable terms. They have just completed a large stock of catastrophes, to which they respectfully solicit attention.

FOR MELO-DRAMA.

Discovery of the real murderers, and respite of the accused.

Ditto very superior, with return of the supposed victim.

Ditto, ditto, extra superfine, with punishment of vice and reward of virtue.

FOR FARCES.

Mollification of flinty-hearted fathers and union of lovers, &c. &c. &c.

FOR COMEDIES.

Fictitious bankruptcy of the hero, and sudden reinstatement of fortune.

Ditto, ditto, with exposure of false friends.

Non-recognition of son by father, ultimate discovery of former by latter.

Ditto, ditto, very fine, "with convenient cordial," and true gentlemen, illustrated by an old _debauchee_.

N.B.--On hand, a very choice assortment of interesting parricides, strongly recommended for Surrey use.

* * * * *

WHY AND BECAUSE.

Young Kean's a bad cigar--because The more he's puff'd, the worse he draws.

A new farce, entitled "My Friend the Captain," is to be produced tonight, at the Haymarket Theatre.

MR. HAMMOND will take a benefit at the English Opera House, on Monday next. We are happy to see that this very deserving actor's professional brethren are coming forward to lend him that assistance which he has always been ready to afford to others.

TO MRS. H.

Thou sweet, to whom all bend the knee, No wonder men run after thee; There's something in a name, perhaps, For _Honey's_ often good for _chaps_.

A MR. GRAHAM has appeared at the Surrey. He is reported to be a very chaste and clever actor. If so, he certainly will not suit the taste of Mr. Davidge's patrons. How they have tolerated Wilson, Leffler, and Miss Romer so long, we are utterly at a loss to divine. It must be, that "music hath charms."

We are authorised to state that Rouse of the Eagle Tavern is not the Rous who was lately returned for Westminster.

THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA MELO-DRAMA.

_Berthelda_.--Sanguine, you have killed your _mother_!!!

_Fruitwoman_.--Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer!

(_Curtain falls_.)

* * * * *

QUALIFICATIONS FOR AN M.P.

We give the following list of qualifications for a member of parliament for Westminster, as a logical curiosity, extracted from a handbill very liberally distributed by Captain Rons's party, during the late contest:--

1st. Because "he is _brother to the Earl_ of Stradbroke."

2nd. Because "his _family_ have always been hearty Conservatives."

3rd. Because "they have been established in _Suffolk_ from the time of the _Heptarchy_."

4th. Because "he entered the navy in 1808."

5th. Because "he _brought home Lord Aylmer_ in the Pique, in 1835."

6th. Because "he ran the Pique aground in the Straits of Belleisle."

7th. Because "after beating there for eleven hours, he got her off again."

8th. Because "he brought her into Portsmouth without a rudder or forefoot, lower-masts all sprung, and leaking at the rate of two feet per hour!" ergo, he is the fittest man for the representative of Westminster.--Q.E.D.

THE ENTIRE ANIMAL.

LORD LONDONDERRY, in a letter to Colonel Fitzroy, begs of the gallant member to "go the whole hog." This is natural advice from a _thorough bore_ like his lordship.