Chapter 2

Take a beautiful and highly-accomplished young female, imbued with every virtue, but slightly addicted to bigamy! Let her stew through the first act as the bride of a condemned convict--then season with a benevolent but very ignorant lover--add a marriage. Stir up with a gentleman in dusty boots and large whiskers. _Dredge_ in a meeting, and baste with the knowledge of the dusty boot proprietor being her husband. Let this steam for some time; during which, prepare, as a covering, a pair of pistols--carefully insert the bullet in the head of him of the dusty boots. Dessert--general offering of LADIES' FINGERS! Serve up with red fire and tableaux.

FOR MESSRS. MACREADY AND CHARLES KEAN.

Take an enormous hero--work him up with improbabilities--dress him in spangles and a long train--disguise his head as much as possible, as the great beauty of this dish is to avoid any resemblance to the "_tête de veau au naturel_."

Grill him for three acts. When well worked up, add a murder or large dose of innocence (according to the palate of the guests)--Season, with a strong infusion of claqueurs and box orders. Serve up with twelve-sheet posters, and imaginary Shaksperian announcements.

N.B. Be careful, in cooking the heroes, not to turn their backs _to the front range_--should you do so the dish will be spoiled.

FOR THE ROYAL VIC.

(_A Domestic Sketch._)

Take a young woman--give her six pounds a year--work up her father and mother into a viscous paste--bind all with an abandoned poacher--throw in a "dust of virtue," and a "handful of vice." When the poacher is about to boil over, put him into another saucepan, let him simmer for some time, and then he will turn out "lord of the manor," and marry the young woman. Serve up with bludgeons, handcuffs, a sentimental gaoler, and a large tureen of innocence preserved.

FOR THE SURREY NAUTICAL.

Take a big man with a loud voice, dress him with a pair of ducks, and, if pork is comeatable, a pigtail--stuff his jaws with an imitation quid, and his mouth with a large assortment of _dammes_. Garnish with two broad-swords and a hornpipe. Boil down a press-gang and six or seven smugglers, and (if in season) a bo'swain and large cat-o'-nine-tails.--Sprinkle the dish with two lieutenants, four midshipmen, and about seven or eight common sailors. Serve up with a pair of epaulettes and an admiral in a white wig, silk stockings, smalls, and the Mutiny Act.

* * * * *

OUR CITY ARTICLE.

We have no arrivals to-day, but are looking out anxiously for the overland mail from Battersea. It is expected that news will be brought of the state of the mushroom market, and great inconvenience in the mean time is felt by the dealers, who are holding all they have got, in the anticipation of a fall; while commodities are, of course, every moment getting heavier.

The London and Westminster steam-boat _Tulip_, with letters from Milbank, was planted in the mud off Westminster for several hours, and those who looked for the correspondence, had to look much longer than could have been agreeable.

The egg market has been in a very unsettled state all the week; and we have heard whispers of a large breakage in one of the wholesale houses. This is caused by the dead weight of the packing-cases, to which every house in the trade is liable. In the fruit market, there is positively nothing doing; and the _growers_, who are every day becoming _less_, complain bitterly. Raspberries were very slack, at 2-1/2d. per pottle; but dry goods still brought their prices. We have heard of several severe smashes in currants, and the bakers, who, it is said, generally contrive to get a finger in the pie, are among the sufferers.

The salmon trade is, for the most part, in a pickle; but we should regret to say anything that might be misinterpreted. The periwinkle and wilk interest has sustained a severe shock; but potatoes continue to be _done_ much as usual.

* * * * *

TO SIR F--S B--T.

"A dinner is to be given to Captain Rous on the 20th inst., at which Sir Francis Burdett has promised to preside."--_Morning Paper._

Egyptian revels often boast a guest In sparkling robes and blooming chaplets drest; But, oh! what loathsomeness is hid beneath-- A fleshless, mould'ring effigy of death; A thing to check the smile and wake the sigh, With thoughts that living excellence can die. How many at the coming feast will see THE SKELETON OF HONOURED WORTH IN THEE!

* * * * *

SUPREME: COURT OF THE LORD HIGH INQUISITOR PUNCH.

"Laselato ogni speranza, voi ch' intrate!"

JOHN BULL _v._ THE PEEL PLACE-HUNTING COMPANY.

MR. JOBTICKLER said he had to move in this cause for an injunction to restrain the Peel Place-hunting Company from entering into possession of the estates of plaintiff. It appeared from the affidavits on which he moved, that the defendants, though not in actual possession, laid an equitable claim to the fee simple of the large estates rightfully belonging to the plaintiff, over which they were about to exercise sovereign dominion. They had entered into private treaty with the blind old man who held the post of chief law-grubber of the Exchequer, offering him a bribe to pretend illness, and take half his present pay, in order to fasten one of the young and long-lived leeches--one Sir Frederick Smal-luck--to the vacant bench. They were about to compel a decentish sort of man, who did the business of Chancery as well as such business can be done under the present system, to retire upon half allowance, in order to make room for one Sir William Fullhat, who had no objection to £14,000 a year and a peerage. They were about to fill two sub-chancellorships, which they would not on any account allow the company in the present actual possession of the estates to fill up with a couple of their own shareholders; and were, in fine, proceeding to dispose of, by open sale, and by private contract, the freehold, leasehold, and funded property of plaintiff, to the incalculable danger of the estate, and to the disregard of decency and justice. What rendered this assumption and exercise of power the more intolerable, was, that the persons the most unfit were selected; and as if, it would appear, from a "hateful love of contraries," the man learned in law being sent to preside over the business of equity, of which he knew nothing, and the man learned in equity being entrusted with the direction of law of which he knew worse than nothing; being obliged to unlearn all he had previously learnt, before he began to learn his new craft.

LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--Don't you know, sir, that _poeta nascitur non fit?_ Is not a judge a judge the moment he applies himself to the seat of justice?

MR. JOBTICKLER.--Most undoubtedly it is so, my lord, as your lordship is a glorious example, but--

LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--But me no buts, sir. I'll have no allusions made to my person. What way are the cases on the point you would press on the court?

MR. JOBTICKLER.--The cases, I am sorry to say, are all in favour of the Peel Place-hunting Company's proceedings; but the principle, my lord, the principle!

LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--Principle! What has principle to do with law, Sir? Really the bar is losing all reverence for authority, all regard for consistency. I must put a stop to such revolutionary tendencies on the part of gentlemen who practise in my court. Sit down, sir.

MR. JOBTICKLER.--May my client have the injunction?

LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--No-o-o-o! But he shall pay all the costs, and I only wish I could double them for his impertinence. You, sir, you deserve to be stripped of your gown for insulting the ears of the court with such a motion.

CRIER.--Any more appeals, causes, or motions, in the Supreme Court of the Lord High Inquisitor Punch, to-day? (A dead silence.)

LORD HIGH INQUISITOR (bowing gracefully to the bar).--Good morning, gentlemen. You behold how carefully we fulfil the letter of Magna Charta.

"Nulli vendemus, nulli negabimus, aut differemus rectum vel justitiam." [_Exit._]

CRIER.--This Court will sit the next time it is the Lord High Inquisitor's pleasure that it should sit, and at no other period or time.--God save the Queen!

* * * * *

AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.--No. 3.

[Greek: EIS LYRAN.]

Apollo! ere the adverse fates Gave thy lyre to Mr. Yates[2], I have melted at thy strain When Bunn reign'd o'er Drury-lane; For the music of thy strings Haunts the ear when Romer sings. But to me _that_ voice is mute! Tuneless kettle-drum and flute I but hear _one_ liquid lyre-- Kettle bubbling on the fire, Whizzing, fizzing, steaming out Music from its curved spot, Wak'ning visions by its song Of thy nut-brown streams, Souchong; Lumps of crystal saccharine-- Liquid pearl distill'd from kine; Nymphs whose gentle voices mingle With the silver tea-spoons' jingle! Symposiarch I o'er all preside, The Pidding of the fragrant tide. Such the dreams that fancy brings, When my tuneful kettle sings!

[2] This celebrated instrument now crowns the chaste yet elaborate front of the Adelphi Theatre, where full-length effigies of Mr. and Mrs. Yates may be seen silently inviting the public to walk in.

* * * * *

AUTHENTIC.

FROM EBENEZER BEWLEY, OF LONDON, TO HIS FRIEND REUBEN PIM, OF LIVERPOOL.

7th mo. 29th, 1841.

Friend Reuben,--I am in rect. of thine of 27th inst., and note contents. It affordeth me consolation that the brig _Hazard_ hath arrived safely in thy port--whereof I myself was an underwriter--also, that a man-child hath been born unto thee and to thy faithful spouse Rebecca. Nevertheless, the house of Crash and Crackitt hath stopped payment, which hath caused sore lamentation amongst the faithful, who have discounted their paper. It hath pleased Providence to raise the price of E.I. sugars; the quotations of B.P. coffee are likewise improving, in both of which articles I am a large holder. Yet am I not puffed up with foolish vanity, but have girded myself round with the girdle of lowliness, even as with the band which is all round my hat! In token whereof, I offered to hand 20 puncheons of the former, as [Symbol: profit] margin.

There are serious ferments and heartburnings amongst the great ones of this land: and those that sit on the benches called "The Treasury" are become sore afraid, for he whom men call Lord John Russell hath had notice to quit. Thereat, the Tories rejoice mightily, and lick their chops for the fat morsels and the sops in the pan that Robert the son of _Jenny_ hath promised unto his followers. Nevertheless, tidings have reached me that a good spec. might be made in Y.C. tallow, whereon I desire thy opinion; as also on the practice of stuffing roast turkey with green walnuts, which hath been highly recommended by certain of the brethren here, who have with long diligence and great anxiety meditated upon the subject.

And now, I counsel thee, hold fast the change which thou hast, striving earnestly for that which thou hast not, taking heed especially that no man comes the "artful" over thee; whereby I caution thee against one Tom Kitefly of Manchester, whose bills have returned back unto me, clothed with that unseemly garment which the notary calleth "a protest." Assuredly he is a viper in the paths of the unwary, and will bewray thee with his fair speeches; therefore, I say, take heed unto him.

I remain thy friend, EBEN. BEWLEY. Mincing Lane.

* * * * *

TO BAD JOKERS.

Sir,--Seeing in the first number of your paper an announcement from Mr. Thomas Hood, that he was in want of a laugher, I beg to offer my services in that comic capacity, and to hand you my card and certificates of my cachinnatory powers.

T.C.

CARD.

Mr. Toady Chuckle begs to inform wits, punsters, and jokers in general that he

GOES OUT LAUGHING.

His truly invaluable zest for bad jokes has been patronised by several popular farce-writers and parliamentary Pasquins.

Mr. T.C. always has at command smiles for satire, simpers for repartee, sniggers for conundrums, titters for puns, and guffaws for jocular anecdotes. By Mr. T.C.'s system, cues for laughter are rendered unnecessary, as, from a long course of practical experience, the moment of cachinnation is always judiciously selected.

N.B. The worst Jokes laughed at, and rendered successful. Old Joes made to tell as well as new.

* * * * *

COMIC CREDENTIALS.

T.R.C.G.

Sir,--I feel myself bound in justice to you and your invaluable laughter, as well as to others who may be suffering, as I have been, with a weakly farce, to inform you of its extraordinary results in my case. My bantling was given up by all the faculty, when you were happily shown into the boxes. One laugh removed all sibillatory indications; a second application of your invaluable cachinnation elicited slight applause; whilst a third, in the form of a _guffaw_, rendered it perfectly successful.

From the prevalence of dulness among dramatic writers, I have no doubt that your services will be in general requisition.

I am, yours, very respectfully, J.R. Planche. C---- C----.

Sir,--I beg to inform you, for the good of other bad jokers, that I deem the introduction of your truly valuable cachinnation one of the most important ever made; in proof of which, allow me to state, that after a joke of mine had proved a failure for weeks, I was induced to try your cachinnation, by the use of which it met with unequivocal success; and, I declare, if the cost were five guineas a _guffaw_, I would not be without it.

Yours truly, Charles Delaet Waldo Sibthorp (Colonel).

* * * * *

"MY NAME'S THE DOCTOR"--(_vide_ Peel's Speech at Tamworth.)

The two doctors, Peel and Russell, who have been so long engaged in renovating John Bull's "glorious constitution!" though they both adopt the lowering system at present, differ as to the form of practice to be pursued. Russell still strenuously advocates his _purge_, while Sir Robert insists upon the efficacy of _bleeding_.

"Who shall decide when doctors disagree?"

* * * * *

PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.--NO. 1.

BEING A VERY FAMILIAR TREATISE ON ASTRONOMY.

Our opinion is, that science cannot be too familiarly dealt with; and though too much familiarity certainly breeds contempt, we are only following the fashion of the day, in rendering science somewhat contemptible, by the strange liberties that publishers of _Penny Cyclopædias_, three-halfpenny _Informations_, and twopenny _Stores of Knowledge_, are prone to take with it.

In order to show that we intend going at high game, we shall begin with the stars; and if we do not succeed in levelling the heavens to the very meanest capacity--even to that of

we shall at once give up all claims to the title of an enlightener of the people.

Every body knows there are planets in the air, which are called the _planetary_ system. Every one knows our globe goes upon its axis, and has two poles, but what is the axis, and what the poles are made of--whether of wood, or any other material--are matters which, as far as the mass are concerned, are involved in the greatest possible obscurity.

The north pole is chiefly remarkable for no one having ever succeeded in reaching it, though there seems to have been a regular communication to it by post in the time of Pope, whose lines--

"Speed the soft intercourse from zone to zone. And waft a sigh from Indus _to the pole_,"

imply, without doubt, that packages reached the pole; not, however, without regard to the _size_ (SIGHS), which may have been limited.

The sun, every body knows, is very large, and indeed the size has been ascertained to an inch, though we must say we should like to see the gentleman who measured it. Astronomers declare there are spots upon it, which may be the case, unless the _savans_ have been misled by specks of dirt on the bottom of their telescopes. As these spots are said to disappear from time to time, we are strongly inclined to think our idea is the correct one. Some insist that the sun is liquid like water, but if it were, the probability is, that from its intense heat, the whole must have boiled away long ago, or put itself out, which is rather more feasible.

We do not think it necessary to go into the planets, for, if we did, it is not unlikely we should be some time time before we got out again; but we shall say a few words about our own Earth, in which our readers must, of course, take a special interest.

It has been decided, that, viewed from the moon, our globe presents a mottled appearance; but, as this assertion can possibly rest on no better authority than that of the Man in the Moon, we must decline putting the smallest faith in it.

It is calculated that a day in the moon lasts just a fortnight, and that the night is of the same duration. If this be the case, the watchmen in the moon must be horridly over-worked, and daily labourers must be fatigued in proportion. When the moon is on the increase, it is seen in the crescent; but whether Mornington-crescent or Burton-crescent, or any other crescent in particular, has not been mentioned by either ancient or modern astronomers. The only articles we get from the moon, are moonlight and madness. _Lunar_ caustic is not derived from the planet alluded to.

Of the stars, one of the most brilliant is _Sirius_, or _the Dog-star_, which it is calculated gives just one-twenty-millionth part of the light of the sun, or about as much as that of a farthing rushlight. It would seem that such a shabby degree of brilliancy was hardly worth having; but when it is remembered that it takes three years to come, it really seems hardly worth while to travel so far to so very little purpose.

The most magnificent of the starry phenomena, is the Milky Way or _Whey_; and, indeed, the epithet seems superfluous, for all _whey_ is to a certain extent milky. The _Band of Orion_ is familiar to all of us by name; but it is not a musical band, as most people are inclined to think it is. Perhaps the allusion to the _music of the spheres_ may have led to this popular error, as well as to that which regards Orion's _band_ as one of _wind_ instruments.

We shall not go into those ingenious calculations that some astronomers have indulged in, as to the time it would take for a cannon-ball to come from the sun to the earth, for we really hope the earth will never be troubled by so unwelcome a visitor. Nor shall we throw out any suggestions as to how long a bullet would be going from the globe to the moon; for we do not think any one would be found goose enough to take up his rifle with the intention of trying the experiment.

Comets are, at present, though very luminous bodies, involved in considerable obscurity. Though there is plenty of light in comets, we are almost entirely in the dark concerning them. All we know about them is, that they are often coming, but never come, and that, after frightening us every now and then, by threatening destruction to our earth, they turn sharp off, all of a sudden, and we see no more of them. Astronomers have spied at them, learned committees have sat upon them, and old women have been frightened out of their wits by them; but, notwithstanding all this, the _comet_ is so utterly mysterious, that "thereby _hangs a tail_" is all we are prepared to say respecting it.

We trust the above remarks will have thrown a light on the sun and moon, illustrated the stars, and furnished a key to the skies in general; but those who require further information are referred to Messrs. Adams and Walker, whose plans of the universe, consisting of several yellow spots on a few yards of black calico, are exactly the things to give the students of astronomy a full development of those ideas which it has been our aim to open out to him.

* * * * *

NEW STUFFING FOR THE SPEAKER'S CHAIR.

"With too much blood and too little brain, these two may run mad; but if with too much brain and too little blood, they do, I'll be a curer of madmen."--_Troilus and Cressida_.

MR. PETER BORTHWICK and Colonel Sibthorpe are both named as candidates for the Speaker's chair. Peter has a certificate of being "a _bould_ speaker," from old Richardson, in whose company he was engaged as parade-clown and check-taker. The gallant Colonel, however, is decidedly the favourite, notwithstanding his very ungracious summary of the Whigs some time ago. We would give one of the buttons off our hump to see

* * * * *

MR. JOSEPH MUGGINS begs to inform his old crony, PUNCH, that the report of Sir John Pullon, "as to the possibility of elevating an ass to the head of the poll by bribery and corruption" is perfectly correct, provided there is no abatement in the price. Let him canvass again, and Mr. J.M. pledges himself, whatever his weight, if he will only stand "one penny more, up goes the donkey!"

* * * * *

OLD BAILEY.

Robbed--Melbourne's butcher of his twelvemonth's billings.

Verdict--Stealing under forty shillings.

* * * * *

LEGAL PUGILISM.

The Chancery bar has been lately occupied with a question relating to a patent for pins' heads. The costs are estimated at £5000. The lawyers are the best boxers, after all. Only let them get a _head in chancery_, even a _pin's_, and see how they make the proprietor _bleed_.

* * * * *

INQUEST.

Died, Eagle Rouse--Verdict, _Felo de se_.

Induced by being ta'en for--Ross, M.P.

* * * * *

RUMBALL THE COMEDIAN.

When Mr. Rumball was at the Surrey Theatre, the treasurer paid him the proceeds of a share of a benefit in half-crowns, shillings, and sixpences, which Rumball boasted that he had carried home on his head. His friends, from that day, accounted for his _silvery_ hair!

* * * * *

FOREIGN AFFAIRS.

We beg to invite attention to the aspect of our Foreign Affairs. It is dark, lowering, gloomy--some would say, alarming. When it smiles, its smiles deceive. To use the very mildest term, it is exceedingly suspicious. Let John Bull look to his pockets.

It is, nevertheless, but a piece of justice to state, that, formidable as the appearance of Foreign Affairs may be, no blame whatever can, in our opinion, be attached to Lord Palmerston.

The truth is, that the Foreign Affairs of PUNCH are not the Foreign Affairs of Politics. They are certain living beings; and we call them Affairs, by way of compromise with some naturalists, to whom the respective claims of man and the ape to their relationship may appear as yet undecided.

In their anatomical construction they undoubtedly resemble mankind; they are also endowed with the faculty of speech. Their clothes, moreover, do not grow upon their backs, although they look very much as if they did. They come over here in large numbers from other countries, chiefly from France; and in London abound in Leicester-square, and are constantly to be met with under the Quadrant in Regent-street, where they grin, gabble, chatter, and sometimes dance, to the no small diversion of the passengers.