Chapter 3

When to Office we came, full _two millions_ in store We found safe and snug. Now, that surplus instead, Besides having spent _it_, and _six_ millions more, Lo! we're short, _on the year, only two millions dead_. That's the "_go_" for your Whigs--your _retrenching_ old Whigs Then, shout, &c.

In a word, round the throne we've stuck sisters and wives, Our brothers and cousins fill bench, church, and steeple; Assist us to stick in, at least for _our_ lives, And nicely "we'll sarve out" Queen, Lords, ay, and People. That's the fun for your Whigs--your bed-chamber old Whigs! Shout, shout, &c.

What was the reply to this pathetic, this generous appeal? Name it not at Woburn-abbey--whisper it not at Panshanger--breathe it not in the epicurean retreat of Brocket-hall! Tears, big tears, roll down our sympathetic checks as we write it. It was simply--"Cock-a-doodle-do!"

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LORD JOHNNY "LICKING THE BIRSE."

Lord John Russell, on his arrival with his bride at Selkirk the other day, was invested with the burghship of that ancient town. In this ceremony, "licking the birse," that is, dipping a bunch of shoemaker's bristles in a glass of wine and drawing them across the mouth, was performed with all due solemnity by his lordship. The circumstance has given rise to the following _jeu d'esprit_, which the author, Young Ben D'Israeli, has kindly dropped into PUNCH'S mouth:--

Lord Johnny, that comical dog, At trifles in politics whistles; In London he went _the whole hog_, At Selkirk he's _going the bristles_.

* * * * *

"Why are Sir Robert Peel and Sir James Graham like two persons with only one intellect?"--"Because there is an understanding between them."

"Why is Sir Robert Peel like a confounded and detected malefactor?"--"Because he has nothing at all to say for himself."

* * * * *

A QUERY.

The _Salisbury Herald_ says, that Sir John Pollen stated, in reference to his defeat at the Andover election, "that from the bribery and corruption resorted to for that purpose, they (the electors) would have returned a jackass to parliament." Indeed! How is it that he tried and failed?

* * * * *

LORD HOWICK, it is said, has gone abroad for the benefit of his health; he feels that he has not been properly treated at home.

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NURSERY EDUCATION REPORT.

As much anxiety necessarily exists for the future well-being of our beloved infant Princess, we have determined to take upon ourselves the onerous duties of her education. In accordance with the taste of her Royal mother for that soft language which

"--sounds as if it should be writ on satin,"

we have commenced by translating the old nursery song of "Ride a cock-horse" into most choice Italian, and have had it set to music by Rossini; who, we are happy to state, has performed his task entirely to the satisfaction of Mrs. Ratsey, the nurse of her Royal Highness; a lady equally anxious with ourselves to instil into the infant mind an utter contempt for everything English, except those effigies of her illustrious mother which emanate from the Mint. The original of this exquisite and simple ballad is too well known to need a transcript; the Italian version, we doubt not, will become equally popular with aristocratic mamas and fashionable nurses.

SU GALLO-CABALLO, AN ITALIAN CAVATINA, SUNG WITH UNBOUNDED APPLAUSE BY MRS. RATSEY, AT THE PRIVATE CONCERTS OF THE INFANT PRINCESS. TO WHOM IT IS DEDICATED BY HER ROYAL HIGHNESS'S ESPECIAL PERMISSION.

_Andantino con gran espress._ [Music: Key of G, 3/4 time.] Su gàl - lo ca - vàl - - - lo A

[Music: key of G.] Ban - bu - ri crò - ce, An - dia - mo a

_Fine._ [Music: key of G.] mi-rar La - - vec chia - a trot - tar.

_Moderato e molto staccato._ [Music: key of D, 6/8 time.] Ai dìta ha gli anelli Ai piè i campanelli, E musica avra Do-

_D. C._ [Music: key of D.] vùnque sen va - - - - - - - -

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INJURED INNOCENCE.

We have seen, with deep regret, a paragraph going the round of the papers headed, "THE LADY THIEF AT LINCOLN," as if a _lady_ could commit larceny! "Her disorder," says the newspapers, "is ascribed to a morbid or irrrepressible propensity, or monomania;" in proof of which we beg to subjoin the following prescriptions of her family physician, which have been politely forwarded to us.

FOR A JEWELLERY AFFECTION.

R.--Spoons--silv. vi Rings--pearls ii Ditto--diamond j Brooches--emer. et turq. ii Combs--tortois. et dia. ii Fiat sumendum bis hodie cum magno reticulo aut muffo, J.K.

FOR A DETERMINATION OF HABERDASHERY TO THE HANDS. R.--Balls--worsted xxiv Veils { Chantilly } j { Mec. et Bruss. } Hose--Chi. rib. et cot. tops cum toe vj prs. Ribbons--sat. gau. et sarse. (pieces) iv Fiat sumendum cum cloko capace pocteque maneque. J.K.

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PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. V.

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PUBLIC AFFAIRS ON PHRENOLOGICAL PRINCIPLES.

Mr. Combe, the great phrenologist, or, as some call him, Mr. _Comb_--perhaps on account of his being so busy about the head--has given it as his opinion, that in less than a hundred years public affairs will be (in America at least) carried on by the rules of phrenology. By postponing the proof of his assertion for a century, he seems determined that no one shall ever give him the lie while living, and when dead it will, of course, be of no consequence. We are inclined to think there may be some truth in the anticipation, and we therefore throw out a few hints as to how the science ought to be applied, if posterity should ever agree on making practical use of it. Ministers of state must undoubtedly be chosen according to their bumps, and of course, therefore, no chancellor or any other legal functionary will be selected who has the smallest symptom of the bump of _benevolence_. The judges must possess _causality_ in a very high degree; and _time_, which gives rise to _the perception of duration_ (which they could apply to Chancery suits), would be a great qualification for a Master of the Rolls or a Vice-chancellor. The framers of royal speeches should be picked out from the number of those who have the largest bumps of _secretiveness_; and those possessing _inhabitiveness_, producing the desire of _permanence in place_, should be shunned as much as possible. No bishop should be appointed whose bump of _veneration_ would not require him to wear a hat constructed like that of PUNCH, to allow his _organ_ full _play_; and the development of _number_, if large, might ensure a Chancellor of the Exchequer whose calculations could at least be relied upon.

Our great objection to the plan is this--that it might be abused by parties bumping their own heads, and raising tumours for the sake of obtaining credit for different qualities. Thus a terrific crack at the back of the ear might produce so great an elevation of the organ of _combativeness_ as might obtain for the greatest coward a reputation for the greatest courage; and a thundering rap on the centre of the head might raise on the skull of the veriest brute a bump of, and name for, _benevolence_.

* * * * *

"IT WAS BEFORE I MARRIED."

A BENEDICTINE LYRIC.

Well, come my dear, I will confess-- (Though really you too hard are) So dry these tears and smooth each tress-- Let Betty search the larder; Then o'er a chop and genial glass, Though I so late have tarried, I will recount what came to pass I' the days before I married.

Then, every place where fashion hies, Wealth, health, and youth to squander, I sought--shot folly as it flies, 'Till I could shoot no longer. Still at the opera, playhouse, clubs, 'Till midnight's hour I tarried; Mixed in each scene that fashion dubs "The Cheese"--before I married.

Soon grown familiar with the town, Through Pleasure's haze I hurried; (Don't feel alarmed--suppress that frown-- Another glass--you're flurried) Subscribed to Crockford's, betted high-- Such specs too oft miscarried; My purse was full (nay, check that sigh)-- It was before I married.

At Ascot I was quite the thing, Where all admired my tandem; I sparkled in the stand and ring, Talked, betted (though at random); At Epsom, and at Goodwood too, I flying colours carried. Flatterers and followers not a few Were mine--before I married.

My cash I lent to every one, And gay crowds thronged around me; My credit, when my cash was gone, 'Till bills and bailiffs bound me. With honeyed promises so sweet, Each friend his object carried, Till I was marshalled to the Fleet; But--'twas before I married.

Then sober thoughts of wedlock came, Suggested by the papers; The _Sunday Times_ soon raised a flame, The _Post_ cured all my vapours; And spite of what Romance may say 'Gainst courtship so on carried, Thanks to the fates and fair "Z.A." I now am blest and--married.

* * * * *

JOCKY JASON.

Jockey Campbell, who has secured 4,000l. a-year by crossing the water and occupying for 20 hours the Irish _Woolsack_, strongly reminds us of Jason's Argonautic expedition, after the _golden fleece_.

* * * * *

NEW CODE OF SIGNALS.

The immense importance of the signals now used in the royal navy, by facilitating the communication between ships at sea; has suggested to an ingenious member of the Scientific Association, the introduction of a telegraphic code of signals to be employed in society generally, where the _viva voce_ mode of communication might be either inconvenient or embarrassing. The inventor has specially devoted his attention to the topics peculiarly interesting to both sexes, and proposes by his system to remove all those impediments to a free and unreserved interchange of sentiment between a lady and gentleman, which feminine timidity on the one side--natural _gaucherie_ on the other--dread of committing one's self, or fear of transgressing the rules of good breeding, now throw in the way of many well-disposed young persons. He explains his system, by supposing that an unmarried lady and gentleman meet for the first time at a public ball: _he_ is enchanted with the sylph-like grace of the lady in a waltz--_she_, fascinated with the superb black moustaches of the gentleman. Mutual interest is created in their bosoms, and the gentleman signalizes:--

"Do you perceive how much I am struck by your beauty?"--by twisting the tip of his right moustache with the finger and thumb of the corresponding hand. If the gentleman be unprovided with these foreign appendages, the right ear must be substituted.

The lady replies by an affirmative signal, or the contrary:--_e.g._ "Yes," the lady arranges her bouquet with the left hand. "No," a similar operation with the right hand. Assuming the answer to have been favourable, the gentleman, by slowly throwing back his head, and gently drawing up his stock with the left hand, signals--

"How do you like _this_ style of person?"

The lady must instantly lower her eyelids, and appear to count the sticks of her fan, which will express--"Immensely."

The gentleman then thrusts the thumb of his left-hand into the arm-hole of his waistcoat, taps three times carelessly with his fingers upon his chest. By this signal he means to say--

"How is your little heart?"

The lady plucks a leaf out of her bouquet, and flings it playfully over her left shoulder, meaning thereby to intimate that her vital organ is "as free as _that_."

The gentleman, encouraged by the last signal, clasps his hands, and by placing both his thumbs together, protests that "Heaven has formed them for each other."

Whereupon the lady must, unhesitatingly, touch the fourth finger of her left hand with the index finger of the right; by which emphatic signal she means to say--"No nonsense, though?"

The gentleman instantly repels the idea, by expanding the palms of both hands, and elevating his eyebrows. This is the point at which he should make the most important signal in the code. It is done by inserting the finger and thumb of the right hand into the waistcoat pocket, and expresses, "What metal do you carry?" or, more popularly, "What is the amount of your banker's account?"

The lady replies by tapping her fan on the back of her left hand; _one_ distinct tap for every thousand pounds she possesses. If the number of taps be satisfactory to the gentleman, he must, by a deep inspiration, inflate his lungs so as to cause a visible heaving of his chest, and then, fixing his eyes upon the chandelier, slap his forehead with an expression of suicidal determination. This is a very difficult signal, which will require some practice to execute properly. It means--

"Pity my sad state! If you refuse to love me, I'll blow my miserable brains out." The lady may, by shaking her head incredulously, express a reasonable doubt that the gentleman possesses any brains.

After a few more preliminary signals, the lover comes to the point by dropping his gloves on the floor, thereby beseeching the lady to allow him to offer her his hand and fortune.

To which she, by letting fall her handkerchief, replies--

"Ask papa and mamma."

This is only an imperfect outline of the code which the inventor asserts may be introduced with wonderful advantage in the streets, the theatres, at churches, and dissenting chapels; and, in short, everywhere that the language of the lips cannot be used.

* * * * *

LABOURS OF THE BRITISH ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF SCIENCE.

A day on the water, by way of excursion, A night at the play-house, by way of diversion, A morning assemblage of elegant ladies, A chemical lecture on lemon and kalis, A magnificent dinner--the venison _so_ tender-- Lots of wine, broken glasses--that's all I remember.

FITZROY FIPPS, F.R.G.S., MEM. ASS. ADVT. SCIENCE, F.A.S.

Plymouth, August 5.

* * * * *

A GOOD REASON.

We have much pleasure in announcing to the liverymen and our fellow-citizens, the important fact, that for the future, the lord mayor's day will be the _fifth_ instead of the ninth of November. The reason for this change is extremely obvious, as that is the principal day of the "Guy season."

* * * * *

The members of the Carlton Club have been taking lessons in bell-ringing. They can already perform some pleasing _changes_. Colonel Sibthorpe is quite _au fait_ at a _Bob_ major, and Horace Twiss hopes, by ringing a _Peal_, to be appointed collector of _tolls_--at Waterloo Bridge.

* * * * *

We recommend Lord Cardigan to follow the example of the officers of Ghent, who have introduced umbrellas into the army, even on parade. Some men should gladly avail themselves of any opportunity _of hiding their heads_.

* * * * *

PUNCH'S INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.--No. 2.

THE THERMOMETER.

_General Description_.--The thermometer is an instrument for showing the _temperature_; for by it we can either see how fast a man's blood boils when he is in a passion, or, according as the seasons have occurred this year, how cold it is in summer, and how hot in winter. It is mostly cased in tin, all the brass being used up by certain lecturers, who are faced with the latter metal. It has also a glass tube, with a bulb at the end, exactly like a tobacco-pipe, with the bowl closed up; except that, instead of tobacco, they put mercury into it. As the heat increases, the mercury expands, precisely as the smoke would in a pipe, if it were confined to the tube. A register is placed behind the tube, crossed by a series of horizontal lines, the whole resembling a wooden milk-score when the customer is several weeks in arrear.

_Derivation of Name_.--The thermometer derives its name from two Greek words, signifying "measure of heat;" a designation which has caused much warm discussion, for the instrument is also employed to tell when it freezes, by those persons who are too scientific to find out by the tips of their fingers and the blueness of their noses.

_History and Literature of the Thermometer_.--The origin of the instrument is involved in a depth of obscurity considerably below _zero_; Pliny mentions its use by a celebrated brewer of Boeotia; we have succeeded, after several years' painful research, in tracing the invention of the instrument to Mercury, who, being the god of thieves, very likely stole it from somebody else. Of ancient writers, there are few except Hannibal (who used it on crossing the Alps) and Julius Cæsar, that notice it. Bacon treats of the instrument in his "Novum Organum;" from which Newton cabbaged his ideas in his "Principia," in the most unprincipled manner. The thermometer remained stationary till the time of Robinson Crusoe, who clearly suggested, if he did not invent the register, now universally adopted, which so nearly resembles his mode of measuring time by means of notched sticks. Fahrenheit next took it in hand, and because his calculations were founded on a mistake, his scale is always adopted in England. Raumur altered the system, and instead of giving the thermometer mercury, administered to it 'cold without,' or spirits of wine diluted with water. Celsius followed, and advised a medium fluid, so that his thermometer is known as the centigrade. De Lisle made such important improvements, that they have never been attended to; and Mr. Sex's differential thermometer has given rise to considerably more than a half-dozen different opinions. All these persons have written learnedly on the subject, blowing respectively hot or cold, as their tastes vary. The most recent work is that by Professor Thompson--a splendid octavo, hot-pressed, and just warm from the printer's. Though this writer disagrees with Raumur's temperance principles, and uses the strongest spirit he can get, instead of mercury, we are assured that he is no relation whatever to Messrs. Thompson and Fearon of Holborn-hill.

_Concluding Remarks and Description of Punch's Thermometer_.--It must be candidly acknowledged by every unprejudiced mind, that the thermometer question has been most shamefully handled by the scientific world. It is made an exclusive matter; they keep it all to themselves; they talk about Fahren_heit_ with the utmost coolness; of Raumur in un-understandable jargon, and fire whole volleys of words concerning the centigrade scale, till one's head spins round with their inexplicable dissertations. What is the use of these interminable technicalities to the world at large? Do they enlighten the rheumatic as to how many coats they may put on, for the Midsummer days of this variable climate? Do their barometers tell us when to take an umbrella, or when to leave it at home? No. Who, we further ask, knows _how_ hot it is when the mercury stands at 120°, or how cold it is when opposite 32° of Fahrenheit? Only the initiated, a class of persons that can generally stand fire like salamanders, or make themselves comfortable in an ice-house.

Deeply impressed with the importance of the subject, PUNCH has invented a new thermometer, which _may_ be understood by the "people" whom he addresses--the unlearned in caloric--the ignorant of the principles of expansion and dilatation. Everybody can tell, without a thermometer, if it be a coat colder or a cotton waistcoat warmer than usual when he is _out_. But at home! Ah, there's the rub! There it has been impossible to ascertain how to face the storm, or to turn one's back upon the sunshine, till to-day. PUNCH'S thermometer decides the question, and here we give a diagram of it. Owing a stern and solemn duty to the public, PUNCH has indignantly spurned the offers of the British Association to join in their mummeries at Plymouth--to appear at their dinners for the debasement of science. No; here in his own pages, and in them only, doth he propound his invention. But he is not exclusive; having published his wonderful invention, he invites the makers to copy his plan. Mr. Murphy is already busily arranging his Almanac for 1842, by means of a PUNCH thermometer, made by Carey and Co.

PUNCH'S THERMOMETER.

THE SCALE ARRANGED ACCORDING TO FAHRENHEIT.

Iced bath 110 Cold bath 98 Blood heat. COAT OFF 90 Stock loosened 88 Cuffs turned up 85 One waistcoat 80 Morning coat all day 75 ONE COAT 65 Summer heat. Spencer 55 Temperate. Ditto, and "Comfortable" 52 GREAT COAT 50 Ditto, and Macintosh 45 Ditto, ditto, and worsted stockings 43 Ditto, ditto, ditto, and double boxcoat and Guernseys 35 Ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, and bear-skin coat 32 Freezing. Ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto and between } two feather beds all day } 0 Zero.

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THE SPEAKERSHIP.

The Parliamentary _lucus a non lucendo_--the Speaker who never speaks--the gentleman who always holds his own tongue, except when he wants others to hold theirs--the man who fills the chair, which is about three times too big for him--is not, after all, to be changed. But the incoming tenants of office have resolved to take him as a fixture, though not at a fair valuation; for they do nothing but find fault all the time they are agreeing to let him remain on the premises. For our own part, we see no objection to the arrangement; for Mr. Lefevre, we believe, shakes his head as slowly and majestically as his predecessors, and rattles his teeth over the _r_ in _o_R-_der_, with as much dignity as Sutton, who was the very perfection of _Manners_, was accustomed to throw into it. The fatigues of the office are enough to kill a horse, but asses are not easily exterminated. It is thought that Lefevre has not been sufficiently worked, and before giving him a pension, "the receiver must," as the chemist say, "be quite exhausted." Tiring him out will not be enough; but he must be _tired_ again, to entitled him to a _re-tiring_ allowance.

* * * * *

AN INQUIRY FROM DEAF BURKE, ESQ.

DEER SIR,--As I taks in your PUNCH (bein' in the line meself, mind yes), will you tell me wot is the meeinigs of beein' "konvelessent." A chap kalled me that name the other days, and I sined him as I does this.

Yours truly, DEAF BURKE--

* * * * *

THE MANSION-HOUSE PARROT.

There is something very amusing in witnessing the manner in which the little Jacks in office imitate the great ones. Sir Peter Laurie has been doing the ludicrous by imitating his political idol, Sir Robert. "I shan't prescribe till I am state-doctor," says the baronet. "I shan't decide; wait for the Lord Mayor," echoes the knight.

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MATRIMONIAL AGENCY.