Part 3

[There has been no time to send this proof for correction, and it has, therefore, been printed as it was received, gaps and all.--ED. _Punch._]

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WEEK BY WEEK.

_Monday and Tuesday._--Nothing particular, except meeting Mr. STANLEY.

_Wednesday._--_Mr. Punch_ comes out. General rejoicings.

_Thursday._--Milk Adulteration Contest at Wormwood Scrubbs. Cat-shooting in Eaton Square commences. Treacle-makers' Company insist on presenting their Bicentenary Gold Medal to Mr. STANLEY.

_Friday._--Private Eclipse of the Sun, invisible to everybody, except Mr. STANLEY.

_Saturday._--Banquet of the Bargain-Drivers' Benevolent Association. Song by Mr. STANLEY, _Meet me by Moonlight_.

_Sunday._--Festival of the Five Quires for a Shilling. Everybody in "Go-to-Meeting-STANLEY Costume."

_Monday._--Afternoon Firework Display at the People's Palace.

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SOME amusement was created at the Anniversary Dinner of the United Crossing-Sweepers' Provident Association, held last night, by the Noble Chairman's reference to his early experiences on a West End crossing. What he saw then had led him to believe, he said, that the lot of one who preserves the boots of the public from mud is not all beer and skittles. He had, however, formed a very exalted idea of the dignity of the calling to which they all belonged. It is, of course, well known that the Noble Earl owed his rise from the position of broom-holder to an opportune legacy from an old lady, whom he saved, at the risk of his own life, from being ground to powder by a runaway costermonger's barrow.

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A Correspondent sends us some interesting notes of meteorological observations during the past month. "I have noticed," he writes, "that under certain atmospheric conditions the streets and pavements of the Metropolis are invariably damp. This phenomenon is generally preceded by the withdrawal of the sun, followed almost immediately by a prevalence of _imber_. After this has lasted for some time, it is usual for the water-carts to make their appearance."

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"A MANCHESTER MOTHER" makes the following pertinent observations on the fashions prevailing amongst men at the present day. "Why," she asks, "should some men prefer boots with buttons, while others like their boots laced? Why again should it be considered right for some men to wear dark blue overcoats, and for others to wear black? Finally, if a man standing six foot two in his stocking-feet is to a bank holiday as a six-inch collar is to a pork-pie, how comes it that a tartan waistcoat and a pair of green plush trousers cost five shillings and sixpence per square inch?" We confess that we are unable to find answers to these questions.

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Two Policemen were yesterday observed in earnest conversation with a well-known member of the Bermondsey Bull-pup Club. Eventually the three Gentlemen departed for an adjacent police-station, their proceedings forming a subject for animated comment amongst the juvenile population of the neighbourhood.

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Four receptions, six public dinners, five evening parties, and eight dances were given in different parts of London yesterday, "to meet Mr. H. M. STANLEY." We are glad to know that the great explorer maintains his imperturbable good humour.

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IT is computed that the number of pretty women in London this Season is just double of what it was last year.

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SHORT MATHEMATICAL PAPER.

1. Solve the short equation ([Greek: a + s + s + a + u + l + t]) x 2 = 14 days.

2. Given log. .321 and density [Greek: glue], how much Port would you deduce from this?

3. Show under what circumstances P'liceman x^2 = Two-and-sixpence.

4. What is the probability of two blue eyes becoming black if A, a stranger, wins half-a-crown three times running at a baccarat-table in Tottenham Court Road? Calculate to five places of decimals the chances of A's appearance as prosecutor at Bow Street next morning.

5. Construct a set of Tables showing how the interest increases in a geometrical progression as the principal is paid off. A., a flat, goes to B., a money-lender, to raise L100. A. receives L7 10_s._ 6_d._ in gold; what balance will he receive in grand old sherry and real Havana Bremerhaven cigars?

6. Show how to re-construct a series of Companies (on the square), with a million capital, within two months of formation, in such a way that the Shareholders get nothing, and still remain liable for future calls. Is the root of the above operation to be found in defective legislation?

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THE ART OF BLACKING BOOTS.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,

YOU'LL be glad most likely to hear what's going on in the boot-blackin' world, of which I'm now a honarery member, havin' bin thirty-five years at it come next Chrismas, and now retired to Camberwell to do the rest of my life easy. Fact is, Sir, there's a many young 'uns come on, and scarcely sufficient boots for 'em to get a livin out of, more partikler with them new yaller boots, which is pison to the honest boot-black. So thinks I to myself, I've bin polishin' a long time and knows all the tricks of it, why shouldn't I lend a 'and to them as is startin'. I'll write down what I knows myself, and I'll get all the best blackers of the day to tell me what they knows about it, and then I'll set the lot together and get it printed. Fact is, I got put on the job by a feller who come to see me 'tother day--a tidy young sprig, full of all them new notions. Says 'e to me, "BILL," 'e says, "'ow do you walk?" "Why," I say, "on two legs like the rest of 'em; what do you think?" "No," 'e says, "that ain't what I mean, you Juggins" (there's a pretty word to use to one old enough to be his father); "what is the process you go through in walking?" "Well," I says, "if that's what you're up to, I mostly puts one foot in front of 'tother, and arterwards brings the back foot forrard and leaves 'tother behind." "Ah," says 'e, "that's jest where you make a bloomin' errer. Your brain sends a message through your nerves, and then you set to work, movin' the extenser mussels and the glutyus maksimus, and there you are." Well, I thought about that a lot, and on the top of it I got 'old of a book called the Art of Authorship, by Mister GEORGE BAINTON, who's agoin' to teach everybody 'ow to write things pretty and proper, and make no end of money out of it. Pr'aps, thinks I to myself, there's more in blackin' boots than meets the eye. I'll write about that on the same plan, gettin' all the fellers I know to 'elp me. Fust, I drew up a lot of questions, and I sent 'em round. Then when the ansers come in I got a young chap, who writes for the _Camberwell Star_, to polish 'em up a bit with grammar and spellin', asking 'im to do it like Mister GEORGE BAINTON. I've jest dropped in a word or two of my own 'ere and there, to show what I mean. So 'ere they are, Sir, and quite at your servis; and I knows if you prints 'em, there's many a boot-black unborn, as'll bless your name, not forgettin',

Yours truely, the Author, BILL THE BOOTBLACK.

INTRODUCTION.

IN putting these notes together, I have been animated solely by the desire to enable those, whom motives of self-interest, or of ambition, or the irresistible impulse of innate genius, may induce to enter upon the profession of blacking, to acquire by living examples of acknowledged ability, a true and genuine perfection in the art. For art it is. Let nobody undertake it lightly. There is no room in the busy throng of ardent blackers for the idler or the fribble. Such men may write books, they cannot black boots. Style is everything, style which colours the boots, roots itself in them, and uplifts them to the highest pinnacle of Art. (N.B.--I took this sentens nearly strait from GEORGE BAINTON.--_B. the B._) Therefore, my young friends, study style. Whenever you see a well-blacked boot in the street, in the counting-house, or in the sanctity of home, fix your eyes upon it. Thus you will learn, and may in time black boots as well as I do myself.

(N.B.--GEORGE writes the most extronery fine English, I'm told, and o' course 'e wants the young 'uns to do the same. Same with me and the boots.--_B. the B._)

My first answer is from JAMES HUGGINS, who as is well-known, polishes the foot-coverings of the innumerable visitors who throng to the Transcontinental Hotel. He says, "you ask me how I acquired my unquestioned ability as a blacker. I answer, 'by constantly studying the best models.' When I was quite a small boy I used to polish all the boots within reach, and I well remember my father humorously remonstrating with me, when he found me blacking an old pair of worsted slippers given him by my mother. There is a method of breathing on some boots and of spitting on others, which can only be acquired by long practice. A large boot with many knobs, is best for a beginner."

Next I addressed my inquiries to GEORGE BREWSHER, more generally known under his nick-name of DANDY GEORDIE. No man has a wider reputation. His reply is instructive. "It is useless," he says, "to study models. I tried that, and the result was that I used to black all the patent leathers, and varnish the ordinary ones. So I gave up study and relied upon my own talents. At the present day, nobody in the whole world can put a truer shine on the dampest boot. I scarcely know how I do it. I only know I do it. I always keep my brushes in good order, drink a toothful of gin at bed-time, and never let a single day pass without blacking something."

My next reply was from LEMUEL D. DODGE, of New York, a boot-polisher whose delicate and refined style has won him admirers in this country as well as his own. "Character," he observes, "is everything. I always analyse my blacking three times over, and then lay it on thin with a camel's hair-brush. I find this method much more satisfactory and less tiring than the rough and ungainly scrubbing so much in vogue with your English artists."

Miss SALLY PIPPIN, who officiates in The Metropolitan Ladies' Boot Emporium, kindly sends me the following notes. "I have had no education at all. I find it quite useless. All you require is to make a shine. It's as easy as shelling peas. By the way, I always wear my hair brought up at the back. This hint may be useful to intending bootblacks."

(That's enough for one go, I rayther fancy. There's lots more o' the same sort all ekally valuble, but I mustn't let you have it all at once.--_B. the B._)

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EARLY GREEN PEAS.

_A Gourmand's Ditty._

THERE'S a pleasure in Rhubarb, fresh, early and red, When it comes with the flush of the newly born year, There's a joy in the tasty Asparagus head That is met with in soup, be it thick,--be it clear! There's delight in the oyster; a peace that ne'er fails In the placid enjoyment the Plover's egg brings, A sense of calm peace in your nicely cooked quails, But oh! there's one dish that will crown all these things; For what, with such rapture the palate can please As the first welcome helping of Early Green Peas!

You may bring me Clyde salmon, three shillings the pound, Red mullet in envelope, done to a turn, The young spring potatoe, dug fresh from the ground, The daintiest cream from a Devonshire churn: You may offer me salad that's almost divine, With a chicken so plump it should gladden the heart; You may say, "Wash that down with the best brands of wine, And follow it up with young gooseberry tart!" My reply is but this, "Ah! withhold all of these! But yield me the rapture of Early Green Peas!"

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THE FIVE O'CLOCK TEA BONNET COMPANY.--Under the above title a Fashionable Company has been inaugurated by several high-born, but impecunious Ladies, who, importing a model bonnet from Paris, and reproducing it in British materials, with more or less success, hope, by a judicious association of the shopkeeping instinct with the _recherche_ gloze of the best social circles, to dispose of their stock to a _clientele_, consisting of the many toadying and snobbish friends who would be caught by the idea of purchasing their bonnets at an establishment where their orders would be taken by an impoverished Lady of title, and delivered at their residences, possibly, by the daughter of a Baronet or Nobleman, in reduced circumstances. The rooms of the New Company that will be shortly opened at the West End, in the immediate vicinity of Bond Street, though supplied with a counter on which a few of the choicest exhibits of the establishment can be displayed, will be in all other respects furnished after the fashion of a Modern Upper-class May-Fair Drawing-room, to which intending Purchasers will need no voucher of admission beyond that furnished by their own visiting-card, on presentation of which they will be greeted as friends, making an afternoon call, by the Fore-lady, who may be temporarily presiding over the Show-room. Indeed, the key-note to the _raison d'etre_ of the FIVE O'CLOCK TEA BONNET COMPANY will be found in the happy combination of High-class social intercourse, with a satisfactory adhesion to the principles of ordinary West-End shopkeeping. No special prices will be attached to the articles sold, but they may be regarded on the whole, considering the advantageous social circumstances under which they are established, as generally a little in advance of those asked at the leading Professional West-End Establishments of a similar kind. A generous margin in this direction must, therefore, be looked for in the account. Bills, if required, when contracted by well-known Leaders of Society, may stand over for years, but a very handsome interest will, of course, be expected, in the event of a long-delayed settlement.

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PUNCH AND "JUDAH."--_Mr. P._ defers his criticism on HENRY AUTHOR JONES'S new play at the Shaftesbury ... until he has gone through the formality of seeing it. From most accounts, it is evidently well worth a visit.

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--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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Transcriber's Note:

This book contains a lot of dialect.