Part 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOLUME 98, MAY 31ST 1890

edited by Sir Francis Burnand

VOCES POPULI.

IN THE MALL ON DRAWING-ROOM DAY.

_The line of carriages bound for Buckingham Palace is moving by slow stages down the Drive. A curious but not uncritical crowd, consisting largely of females, peer into the carriages as they pass, and derive an occult pleasure from a glimpse of a satin train and a bouquet. Other spectators circulate behind them, roving from carriage to carriage, straining and staring in at the occupants with the childlike interest of South Sea Islanders. The coachmen and footmen gaze impassively before them, ignoring the crowd to the best of their ability. The ladies in the carriages bear the ordeal of popular inspection with either haughty resignation, elaborate unconsciousness, or amused tolerance, and it is difficult to say which demeanour provokes the greatest resentment in the democratic breast._

_Chorus of Female Spectators._ We shall see better here than what we did last Droring-Room. Law, 'ow it _did_ come down, too, pouring the 'ole day. I was that sorry for the poor 'orses!... Oh, that one _was_ nice, MARIRE! Did you see 'er train?--all flame-coloured satting--_lovely_! Ain't them flowers beautiful? Oh, LIZA, _'ere's_ a pore skinny-lookin' thing coming next--look at 'er pore dear arms, all bare! But dressed 'andsome enough.... That's a Gineral in there, see? He's 'olding his cocked 'at on his knee to save the feathers--him and her have been 'aving words, apparently ... Oh, I _do_ like this one. I s'pose that's her Mother with her--well, yes, o' course it _may_ be her Aunt?

_A Sardonic Loafer._ 'Ullo, 'ere's a 'aughty one! layin' back and puttin' up 'er glorses! Know us agen, Mum, won't you? You may well look--you ain't seen so much in yer ole life as what you're seein' to-day, _I_'ll lay! Ah, you ought to feel honoured, too, all of us comin' out to look at yer. Drored 'er blind down, this one 'as, yer see--knew she wasn't wuth looking at!

[_A carriage passes; the footman on the box is adorned by an enormous nosegay, over which he can just see._

_First Comic Cockney_ Ow, I s'y--you _'ave_ come out in bloom, JOHNNY!

_Second C. C._ Ah, they've bin forcin' _'im_ under glorse, they'ave! 'Is Missis 'll never find 'im under all them flowers. Ow, 'e smoiled at me through the brornches!

[_Another carriage passes, the coachman and footmen of which are undecorated._

_First C. C._ Shime!--they might ha' stood yer a penny bunch o' voilets between yer, that they might!

_The Sardonic L._ 'Ere 's a swell turn-out and no mistake--with a couple o' bloomin' beadles standin' be'ind! There's a full-fed 'un inside of it too,--look at the dimonds all over 'er bloomin' old nut. _My_ eye! (_The elderly dowager inside produces a cut-glass scent-bottle of goodly size._) Ah, she's got a drop o' the right sort in there--see her sniffin at it--it won't take 'er long to mop up that little lot!

_Jeames (behind the carriage, to_ CHAWLES). Our old geeser's perdoocin' the custimary amount o' sensation, eh, CHAWLEY?

_Chawles (under notice)._ Well, thank 'Eving, I shan't have to share the responsibility of her _much_ longer!

_'Arriet (to_ ARRY). I wonder they don't get tired o' being stared at like they are.

_'Arry._ Bless your 'art--_they_ don't mind--they _like_ it. They'll go 'ome and s'y (_in falsetto_) "Ow, Pa, all the bloomin' crowd kep' on a lookin' at us through the winder--it _was_ proime!"

_'Arriet (giggling admiringly)._ 'Ow do _you_ know the w'y they tork?

_'Arry (superior)._ Why, they don't tork partickler different from what you and me tork--do they?

_First Mechanic._ See all them old blokes in red with the rum 'ats, BILL? They're Beefeaters goin' to the Pallis, they are.

_Second M._ What do they do when they git there?

_First M._ Do? oh, mind the bloomin' stair-case, and chuck out them as don't beyave themselves.

_A Restless Lady (to her husband)._ HARRY, I don't like this place at all. I'm sure we could see better somewhere else. Do let's try and squeeze in somewhere lower down ... No, this is worse--that _horrid_ tobacco! Suppose we cross over to the Palace? [_They do so._

_A Policeman._ Too late to cross now, Sir--go back please.

[_They go back and take up a position in front of the crowd on the curbstone._

_The R. L._ There, we shall see beautifully here, HARRY.

_A Crusty Matron (talking at the R. L. and her husband.)_ Well, I'm sure, some persons have got a cheek, coming in at the last minnit and standing in front of those that have stood here hours--that's ladylike, I _don't_ think! Nor yet, I didn't come here to have my eye poked out by other parties' pairosols.

[_Continues in this strain until the R. L. can stand it no longer, and urges her husband to depart._

_Chorus of Policemen._ Pass along there, please, one way _or_ the other--keep moving there, Sir.

_The R. L._ But where are we to _go_--we must stand _somewhere_?

_A Policeman._ Can't stand anywhere 'ere, Mum.

[_The unhappy couple are passed on from point to point, until they are finally hemmed in at a spot from which it is impossible to see anything whatever._

_Harry._ If you had only been content to stay where you were at first, we should have been all right!

_The R. L._ Nonsense, it is all your fault, you _are_ the most hopeless person to go anywhere with. Why didn't you tell one of those policemen _who we were_?

_Harry._ Why? Well, because I didn't see one who looked as if it would interest him, if you want to know.

THE ROYAL CARRIAGES ARE APPROACHING.

_Chorus of Loyal Ladies of Various Ages._ There--they're clearing the way--the Prince and Princess won't be long now. Here's the Life Guards' Band--don't they look byootiful in those dresses? Won't that poor drummer's arms ache to-morrow? This is the escort coming now.... 'Ere come the Royalties. Don't push so, POLLY, you can see without that!... There, that was the Prince in the first one--did yer see him, POLLY? Oh, yes, leastwise I see the end of a cocked 'at, which I took to be 'im. Yes, _that_ was 'im right enough.... There goes the Princess--_wasn't_ she looking nice? I couldn't exactly make out which was her and which was the two young Princesses, they went by all in a flash like, but they _did_ look nice!... 'Ere's another Royalty in this kerridge--'oo will she be, I wonder? Oh, I expect it would be the old Duchess of---- No, I don't think it was _'er_,--she wasn't looking pleasant enough,--and she's dead, too.... Now they have got inside--'ark at them playing bits of "_God Save the Queen_." Well, I'm glad I've seen it.

_A Son (to cheery old Lady)._ 'Ow are you gettin' on, Mother, eh?

_Ch. O. L._ First-rate, thankee, JOHN, my boy.

_Son._ You ain't tired standing about so long?

_Ch. O. L._ Lor' bless you, no. Don't you worry about _me_.

_Son._ Could you see 'em from where you was?

_Ch. O. L._ I could see all the coachmen's 'ats beautiful. We'll wait and see 'em all come out, JOHN, won't we? They won't be more than an hour and a half in there, I dessay.

_A Person with a Florid Vocabulary._ Well, if I'd ha' known all I was goin' to see was a set o' blanky nobs shut up in their blank-dash kerridges, blank my blanky eyes if I'd ha' stirred a blanky foot, s'elp me Dash, I wouldn't!

_A Vendor (persuasively)._ The kerrect lengwidge of hevery flower that blows--one penny!

* * * * *

* * * * *

"ALLOWED TO STARVE."--_Mr. Punch_ begs to acknowledge contribution from "PAISLEY" to "The Light Brigade Fund," which has been forwarded to the Editor of the _St. James's Gazette_, who has charge of this Fund.

* * * * *

"Here is my last request and legacy! After we are executed, and while the impression of this epilogue of all these horrors is still fresh in the minds of the people, do your utmost to make this new example of the unparalleled cruelty of Russian despotism known to the whole world.... This is a great task well worth accomplishing; and if you succeed, the losses we suffered in that terrible butchery will be redeemed."--_From the last letter, written just before his execution, of Nicholas Zotoff, one of the victims of the Yakoutsk massacre._

LET it be known! Poor soul, of unshaken trust, So done to death in the gloom of the Kara waste, 'Midst a myriad nameless victims of fear and lust, Your cry comes, borne on the chainless winds that haste In shuddering flight away from that frozen hell, That pestilent prison for all things free and fair, Where the raven's croak is the patriot's only knell On the tainted air.

Let it be known! Aye! the cruel secret crawls, Despite the vigilant watch of tyranny's hounds, From the scaffold's screen, from the kamera's sombre walls; Away, as you wished, o'er enfranchised lands it sounds, And shocks the gentle, and stirs the blood of the strong; But he, the Autocrat, sits, with a shaken mind, And a palsied heart; to the tale of horror and wrong He's deaf and blind!

Pale ladies lashed, at the word of a drunken brute, To the death they welcome e'en from the torturing "plet!" And his eyes are blind, and his trembling lips are mute, Whilst the eyes of a world of shuddering men are wet. Chained gangs of patriot captives stabbed or shot At the scared caprice of a bully, craven-souled! And the Autocrat, whilst all hearts with shame wax hot, Sits still and cold!

Ust-Kara's far, and the hasty scaffold reared In the grey of the early morning bore--a fool, Who had not learned that Law must be blindly feared, Though sent to the stern Siberian wastes to school. The unconvicted exile who dares to lift A voice, a hand, is a proven "Terrorist." And if, in Yakoutsk, he is given a shortish shrift, Need the White TZAR list?

The White TZAR sits on his gorgeous seat, alone; Blindfold and deaf, in his realm the veriest slave, Though the seat he fills is the rack men call a Throne, And the TZAR is a stalwart Titan, strong and brave. Strong--yet helpless as yon slain woman's hand; Brave--but shaken through with a haunting Fear. Of all his myrmidons' devilries done in the land The last to hear!

Let it be known! Poor ZOTOFF'S legacy wakes A living echo in every ear humane. E'en the Autocrat in his lonely splendour quakes At the vague vast sounds of menace no bonds restrain. But there, in the heart of horrors, he sits and sighs, Blindfold Injustice bound to a joyless throne; Whilst far the voice of his fallen victim flies-- "_Let it be known!_"

* * * * *

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.

SOCIAL.

"_Just want five minutes' chat with you_;" _i.e._, "He'll give me a cigar and something to drink, and as I've nothing to do for half an hour, this will occupy me pleasantly."

"_Yes; I quite understand_;" _i.e._, "I don't know what he is talking about, but he's a bore."

"_Wouldn't tell it to anyone but you_;" _i.e._, "This will ensure its circulation."

PLATFORMULARS.

"_As the Laureate well puts it, in lines that will live for ever_;" _i.e._, "I'm perfectly dead certain I've forgotten the third line of the verse."

"_The clock warns me that I am trespassing too long on your patience_;" _i.e._, "Haven't said half of what I meant to say. Why the dickens don't they say, 'Go on!'"

FRIENDLY COMMENTS ON CHARACTER AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

"_She is the most domesticated darling imaginable_;" _i.e._, "A dull, sock-darning dowdy."

"_Quite a beauty-man, and nice--to those who like that sort of thing_;" _i.e._, "An awfully handsome fellow, who won't worship me."

"_Grim rather at first, but grows upon one wonderfully_;" _i.e._, "He is softening a little beneath my blandishments."

RAILROAD AMENITIES.

"_Would you like the window up_;" _i.e._, "Hope to goodness she won't, for her patchouli is simply suffocating."

"_If you feel inclined for a snack, don't mind me_;" "The scent of sherry and sandwiches in a close carriage is simply sickening."

PREPARING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.

"_I defer to your superior knowledge of stage-effect_;" _i.e._, "Stuck-up know-all! I could play his head off!"

"_Well, I fear it's a little out of my line; still if I can do anything to help you, I shall be delighted_;" _i.e._, "What I've longed for for years. Now I shall have a chance of showing what's in me!"

"_Bravo, Buffins, dear boy! That little bit of business was really first-rate_;" _i.e._, "If he plays like _that_ I shall shine, if only by contrast."

* * * * *

QUITE A LITTLE BANC(ROFT) HOLIDAY!

MRS. BANCROFT'S "Little Play" is very good work. It is called _The Riverside_; it drew a big _Matinee_ house at the Haymarket last Thursday, and drew big tears. The ladies did enjoy themselves! They were in full cry all the time. Capitally acted. It is rumoured that the gifted authoress, manageress, and actress (all in one), is going to take a company up the river in a House-boat fitted as a Theatre. It is to be called _The Thespis_, and will visit all the principal places on the river during the Season, and ought to do uncommonly well. The idea is novel. The Company will be called "The Bancroft Water-Babies." _A propos_ of the Busy B.'s, we are authorised to contradict the report that, in consequence of his great success as an arbitrator, Mr. BANCROFT is to be made a Deputy-Assistant County Court Judge. This is not so.

* * * * *

THE FIRST ROZE OF SUMMER.--Our Chirruping Critic off the hearth went to Madame MARIE ROZE'S Concert the other day--advertised as "Grand Morning Concert"--well, it was a "Grand Morning" for the time of year--but why was the Concert "Grand?"--and was delighted. The Chirruper heartily welcomed Miss GRACE DAMIAN--more graceful than ever--she sang grandly--of course everyone did on this "grand" occasion--and he nearly split a pair of gloves applauding Mr. LEO STERN in his Grand Violoncello act, for which he was recalled three times, till he was quite tired of bowing and "boo'ing." But the Chirruper would not have it otherwise, "Touch not a single bow," as the song says. And then the flowers! five bouquets for Madame MARIE ROZE. "The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la!" as the late firm of GILBERT AND SULLIVAN used to sing and play. _A propos_ of Mr. GILBERT, his _protegee_, Miss NEILSON, whom he was the first to bring out in Brantingham Hall, St. James's, S.W., gave a recitation which made a decided hit; and then she sang a song--accomplished young lady is Miss JULIA--which made another hit. The Chirruper wishes to record that--to a quartette "specially arranged for the Meister Glee Singers", called _Dinah Doe_, and excellently sung, no names were given of either the Shakspearian Librettist, or the Composer, J. L. MOLLOY, who wrote it for the GERMAN REEDS many years ago. It's as fresh as ever, and at this grand concert came out grandly. The Steinway piano was of course a grand.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, May 19._--OLD MORALITY in new and charming mood to-night; turned over a fresh leaf in his copybook; entered upon the chapter headed "Banter;" not only enjoyed himself, but was cause of enjoyment in others. ESSLEMONT began it; doled out, as if it were ounce of tea or yard and quarter of calico, ponderous joke about having no Holiday at Whitsuntide, and adding three days to Recess at end of Session.

"I will take a note of the Hon. Member's recommendation," said OLD MORALITY.

Nobody laughs when I tell this; yet, remember, House roared whilst OLD MORALITY, resuming seat, sat with pursed-up lips and furrowed brow, fearful lest he should spoil situation by smiling. Must have told the joke wrong; look up Parliamentary Reports. No, there it is, the very words; also his retort to TIM HEALY; his turning the flank of HARCOURT; his triumphant knocking over of TIM, when, after brief pause, he came up again.

"Such badinage!" said CHARLES WILSON, "such persiflage!"

So it seemed at time. Everyone roared with delight.

"Quite in DIZZY'S style," said the admiring STANHOPE.

"Only better," added the ecstatic GEORGY HAMILTON.

Thought so too at the time; but when I come to write down the jokes, the fun has gone, the flavour escaped, the bloom shed. Wonder what it was we all laughed at?

"You do your best," said the Member for Sark, always ready with kindly remark, "but you can't bring OLD MORALITY and all he is to us on your written page. His voice, his looks, his way of getting up and of sitting down, his throwing back his head and thrusting forward his chin as he mouths his apophthegm, his nervous glance round the House, his assumption of a stern official aspect, breaking presently into a smile when the House laughs; his apologetic way of sitting on the edge of the seat when he has snubbed HARCOURT; all his goodness, his littleness, his honest intention, and his occasional lapses into crooked paths; his 'Certainly, Sir,' when the thing is quite otherwise, his blush when he discovers himself dealing with facts in a Pickwickian sense, his constitutional modesty, and his spasmodic aggressiveness, the look in his eye as of a wounded hare when COURTNEY refuses to put the Closure he has moved,--all these are things, little in themselves, momentary in their passage, which you, dear TOBY, can no more transfer to your folios than you can illuminate them with the glow of sunset, or perfume them with the scent of country lanes in this sweet spring-time. OLD MORALITY belongs to us. He is a peculiar growth of the House of Commons, unique, unprecedented, unapproachable, never fully to be understanded of, or appreciated by, the people."

_Business done._--Battling round Budget Bill; sat all night, and far into morning.

_Tuesday._--CADOGAN in good time at House of Lords to-day. DENMAN got first place with Motion for Second Reading of his Bill extending Municipal Franchise in Ireland. CADOGAN to move rejection of Measure in name of Government.

"I must be firm," he said, as he turned up his trousers over his white spats. "DENMAN a terrible fellow when he's roused."

House pretty full when DENMAN appeared at table in position of Leader of Opposition. An ordinary Member not connected with either present or late Government, usually speaks from Bench on which he is accustomed to sit. DENMAN preferred conveniences of table. Most interesting speech, what could be heard of it. Good deal about Sir ROBERT PEEL; occasional reference to PALMERSTON; some reminiscences of early journey in railway-carriage in STEPHENSON'S time; a passing remark as to the weather, and probable state of the crops on this day six months. But, as CADOGAN subsequently remarked, nothing whatever about the Bill. Lords in an awkward position. Had the scene been in the Commons, and the elderly grey-haired gentleman at the table been merely returned by a constituency, the case would have been different. Might have been howled down in a few moments. But with a Peer of the Realm, a hereditary legislator, a personage whose vote might in certain conceivable circumstances suffice to throw out a Bill which had received sanction of House of Commons, it is, as GRANVILLE says, _une autre paire de manches_. If anyone whispered that DENMAN had a tile off, whither would the admission lead us? A Peer is a man--or rather, a Being--of a special, superlative order. Admitted within that order, he becomes, _ipso facto_, a person of extraordinary intelligence, keen intellect, ripe judgment, irreproachable character.

A little awkward that DENMAN should seem to be rambling. If he were a Commoner, might even be called incoherent. Being a Peer, some forty or fifty other Peers sat through twenty minutes with polite assumption of listening. But there is a substratum of human nature even in the Peerage. When DENMAN, _a propos_ of the Municipal Franchise in Ireland, began to talk about COLUMBUS'S egg, there was a murmur of impatience; when he slid into the Panama Canal the murmur grew to a shout. Awhile, amid stormy cries for the Division, the House of Lords resembled the House of Commons.

After brief struggle with unwonted elements, DENMAN resumed seat; Bill thrown out, and with regained equanimity noble Lords turned to next business. To their horror, DENMAN up again at table; forgotten to mention a particular circumstance connected with COLUMBUS'S egg. "Perhaps their Lordships----" But this too much. At whatever risk to Peerage as a body, DENMAN must be shouted down. So they roared at him with cries of "Order!" he standing regarding them with looks of pained surprise. Was it possible they declined to hear more about COLUMBUS'S egg? "Order! Order!" they roared, BATH leading the onslaught.

"It is you, my Lords, who are disorderly," said DENMAN, and with head erect, and tall figure carried with pathetic dignity, he strode back to Cross Benches, and sat down in seat of PRINCE OF WALES.

_Business done._--Budget Bill in Commons.

_Thursday._--All the blood of his great predecessor in spoliation, HENRY THE EIGHTH, just now swelled in the bosom of JAMES STUART ALLANSON TUDOR PICTON. Prince ARTHUR responsible for the flood. Question about meeting announced to be held in Mid-Tipperary next Sunday. Prince ARTHUR has, it seems, prohibited it. JOHN MORLEY wants to know why? There was, he says, public meeting held in same place last month, addressed by English Members; that not proclaimed. What was the difference between meeting addressed by Irish Members, and another by English Members, that one should be taken and the other left?

"The difference is," said Prince ARTHUR, speaking with embarrassed air, as if the distinction was dragged out of him, "that the result of the meeting addressed by Irish Members was to produce intimidation, whilst the result of the other was, I should say, _nil_."

If JAMES STUART ALLANSON TUDOR PICTON had only lived in the times of his great predecessor, and wielded his power, Prince ARTHUR would forthwith have been conducted to Tower Hill, and shortened by a head. Why he (JAMES, &c.) was at this meeting at Mid-Tipperary last month! He, standing on a butter-tub, had addressed the men of Tipperary; the echo of his eloquence still filled the dales, whilst the hills reverberated with the cheers of the men of Tipperary. For this insolent hireling of a Coercionist Government to speak in tones of studied slight of such a demonstration was more than J. S. A. T. P. could stand. If our two giants, JOHN O'CONNOR and HENRY PEASE had not joined hands and held him back, gore would have sprinkled the precincts of the Treasury Bench. As it was, the subject dropped, and House proceeded to discuss Budget Bill.

_Business done._--A good lead.