Chapter 3

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THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.

_Tuesday, April 22._--Mr. BENNETT'S Libretto of _Thorgrim_ good from literary point of view; poor from dramatic ditto. Composer COWEN not possessing dramatic power sufficient for two, cannot supply the want. Sestett and Chorus, end of Act II., skilfully worked up, and received with acclamation. Opera, in a general way, Wagnerish. Orchestration shows the hand of a master, Master COWEN. Local colour good, but too much local colour spoils the Opera. Mr. McGUCKIN is _Thorgrim_ to the life; singing, acting, and make-up admirable. Miss ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN highly commendable. Miss TREMELLI, mother of _Helgi_ (an ugly name and scarcely mentionable to ears polite), loud and leading as a lady-villain. _Helgi_ and _Arnora_ are first cousins (not once removed) to _Telrammond_ the Tedious and _Ortrude_ the Orful. Mr. CELLI as _King_, a sort of Scandinavian BEAU BRUMMEL, imparts light comedy touch to Opera, which, but for this, might have been a trifle dull. COWEN called, came, congratulated. H. R. H. Prince of WALES, setting the best example, as he always does, to Opera-goers, came at the beginning and remained to the end.

_April 23._--_Maritana_ delighted everyone. Miss GEORGINA BURNS splendid. Mr. JOHN CHILD, as _Cæsar_, good child. Mr. LESLIE CROTTY good for _José_.

_April 26._--_Lohengrin._ _King_ played by POPE with considerable amount of temporal power. F. DAVIES good as the _Herald_, but which _Herald_ he is, whether the "Family" or "New York" not quite clear. Incidental music by amateurs in the Gallery, who, in lengthy interval between Second and Third Scenes of Last Act, whistled "_We won't go home till morning!_"

Carl Rosa Opera season soon over, then Drama at Drury Lane, and Italian Opera at Covent Garden. AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS COUNTICOUNCILLARIUS (Sheriff _in posse_, Alderman _in futuro_, and Lord Mayor _in futurissimo_) keeps the ball a rolling at both Houses.

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IN THE KNOW.

(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._)

The Duke of DUMPSHIRE seems to have been much annoyed by my statement that he killed two trainers with his own hand, for being caught watching a trial of his Derby horses, and that the Jockey Club took no action. I beg to inform his Grace and those who approve his methods, that I care no more for their annoyance than I do for the muddy-minded lucubrations of Mr. JEREMY and his servile tribe of moon-calves. I have public duties to perform, and if, in the course of my comments on racing, I should find myself occasionally compelled to run counter to the imbecile prejudices of some of the aristocratic patrons of the turf, I can assure my readers that I shall not flinch from the task. I therefore repeat that, in the middle of last month, the Duke of DUMPSHIRE killed two trainers, and that up to the present time the Jockey Club have not enforced against him the five-pound penalty which is specially provided by their rules for offences of this sort. When Mr. JACOBS, who has no aristocratic connections, ventured to lynch a rascally tout on Newmarket Heath last year, he was made to pay up at once. The contrast is suggestive.

A lot of jannering nonsense has been talked about _Bazaar_ by the Will-o'-the-Wisps who mislead the long-suffering public in turf matters. _Bazaar_ is by _Rector_ out of _Church Mouse_, and in his pedigree are to be found such well-known roarers as _Boanerges_ and _Hallelujah Sal_--not much of a recommendation to anybody except Mr. JEREMY. His own performances are worse than contemptible. As a two-year old, he was placed second at eight stone to _Candlestick_ in the Warmington Open Welter Handicap. After that he sprang a curb in the middle of his back, and the fools who train him actually brought him out to run in the All-aged Selling Plate at Ballymacwhacket. He won the race easily enough of course, but only an impostor, whose head was stuffed with horsehair, would attach the least importance to that. Since then he has eaten two pairs of spurs, a halter, and half of a jockey, which scarcely looks like winning races. I have now relieved my conscience on the matter, so if the puddle-brains wish to back him, their loss must lie at their own doors.

The Marquis de MILLEPARDON has bought _Chowbock_ for £2000. At the last Epsom Meeting _Chowbock_ showed himself a fine pace-maker in an East wind, having cantered in from _Sister Mary_, who as good as walked round _Vilikins_ when the latter was being tried without his pastern-pad on the Cotswold Hills. At the same time it must be remembered, that _Sister Mary_ only got home by a length from _Smockfrock_, after having been double-girthed and provided with a bucket of POCOCK'S antiseptic, anti-crib-biting condition balls for internal application over the Newmarket T. Y. C.

Next week, I may have something to say about Derby prospects. For the present, I can only advise would-be investors to steer clear of Mr. JEREMY and his quacking, goose-headed parasites.

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CHANGE OF NAME.--M. SUCCI, having succeeded in existing for forty days on water alone, will henceforth be known as Water-SUCCI.

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HOW I WELCOMED STANLEY.

(_Notes of a Very Important Journey._)

Left Victoria by special train. On my road met my dear old friend BROWN. We were boys together. Nothing I would not do for him. BROWN says the dearest object of his life is to welcome STANLEY. Can't I take him with me? (This on learning the nature of _my_ expedition.) He is off to Canada to-morrow--early. More sorry than I can say--impossible. Only invitation for "one." One, myself. He sighs and we part--it may be for years, it may be for ever. Sorrowful, but cheered up by party in special train. Everybody in great spirits going to welcome STANLEY. Dearest object of everybody's life. To pass the time tell one another stories of adventure. Man who was in the Franco-German War explains how he would have defended Metz if he had been BAZAINE. Man who went through the Soudan (perhaps a trifle jealous), says if he _had_ been BAZAINE he wouldn't have defended Metz at all, because BAZAINE was a traitor. Row imminent, so cut in with my adventure in a life-boat. Graphic account. Ship springing a-leak; men at the pumps; boats given up to the women and children. The good ship--well, never mind the name of ship; have forgotten it--lurches, gives one long roll, and sinks! Remaining passengers, headed by myself, swarm up the rigging to the mizzen-top. High sea, thunder and lightning. Great privations. Sun sinks in red, moon rises in green. All hope gone, when--hurrah, a sail! It is the life-boat! Slung on board by ropes. Rockets and coloured lights let off. The coxswain calls upon the crew to "pull blue," or "pull white." Startling adventures. On the rocks! Off them! Saved! Everybody pleased with my story. Keep to myself the fact that I have only once in my life been on board a life-boat--when it was practising off Lynton. No more stories after mine. Company (disheartened) break up into groups. Pleased with the scenery. After all, there is no place like Dover--when you stop there. Glad I am not going to welcome STANLEY on the other side of the Channel. London, Chatham and Dover Railway arrangements capital, especially when you are travelling _en prince_.

Ah, here we are at Dover! Meet JONES--of course, he is going to welcome STANLEY. So are SNOOKS and SMITH. And, as I live, old TOMPKINS! Well, this is very plucky of old TOMPKINS. Thought he was dead years ago. Says he would not miss STANLEY for worlds. More would I. Great privilege to welcome him. Feel it most deeply. The greatest explorer of the age. But sea-air has made me a trifle hungry and thirsty. I daresay lunch is going on somewhere. Find it isn't! Deputation of Vergers, seemingly from Canterbury Cathedral, headed by a beadle, carrying an ear-trumpet, forcing their way through crowd. Police arrangements the reverse of satisfactory. Distinguished proprietor of influential newspaper hustled--possibly mistaken for EMIN PASHA, who would be _de trop_ on such an occasion. But must have lunch. Not up to form of Signor SUCCI. So avoid the brilliant but giddy throng, and find out a favourite little restaurant close to the Lord Warden. French _plats_ and some excellent _Grave_. Know the _Grave_ of old--seldom asked for, and so kept long in bottle. Order a nice little luncheon and feel rather sleepy. Luncheon ready. Do it justice, and fancy suddenly that I am in charge of the lamp in a lighthouse. Rough night. Ah! the life-boat! manned by old TOMPKINS (adventurous chap old TOMPKINS) SNOOKS, JONES, SMITH and BROWN. Thought latter had gone to Canada! Open eyes with a start. Waiter and bill. Bless me, how late it is. Must be off at once to welcome STANLEY. Meet old TOMPKINS, SNOOKS, JONES and SMITH instead. They tell me that they have all welcomed STANLEY. Found him being "run into" the train by two policemen! Thought him looking very well. Didn't I? Ask, where is he now? Don't I know? Why gone back by the special! Thought I must have missed it on purpose. Hurry away in bad temper. May catch him up. Pop into fast train just starting. Scenery bad. Weather horrid. Fellow travellers unsupportable. Ah, here we are at last at Victoria. One satisfaction--BROWN didn't welcome him either. Why here _is_ BROWN on the platform--do him a last good turn--describe STANLEY. I tell him that the great explorer looks younger than ever, wears big cap, white suit, revolver and field-glasses. Every inch a portrait in the _Daily Graphic_! BROWN says, "That's strange, as he didn't look like _that_ when _he_ saw him!" Appears BROWN put off trip to Canada to welcome him. Can't be helped! Shall meet STANLEY somewhere (movements advertised daily in the _Times_) and when I _do_ won't I give him a bit of my mind, for not waiting long enough to let me welcome him!

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, April 21._--House really beginning to fill up. HARTINGTON back from the Riviera. First time he has appeared this Session; lounged in with pretty air of having been there yesterday and just looked in again. Blushed with surprise to find Members on both sides welcoming him with cheer.

"We all like HARTINGTON," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "Of course we liked him better when he agreed with our opinions; but we can't all keep straight, and he's gone wrong. Still, we bear him no malice. Sorry he was ill; glad he's better. Must encourage this benevolent attitude towards him, since it enables us, with fuller vigour to denounce CHAMBERLAIN. You see, when we howl at CHAMBERLAIN, they can't say we are simply moved by personal spite, because here we are cheering HARTINGTON as he returns to the fray."

JOHN DILLON back too; bronzed with Australian suns; ruddy with the breezes of lusty Colorado. Everyone glad to see JOHN back; first because everyone likes him; next for reasons akin to those which the SAGE frankly acknowledges when cheering HARTINGTON. Even in the evil days when JOHN DILLON used to fold his arms and flash dark glances of defiance on Speaker BRAND, House didn't include him in same angry, uncompromising, denunciation as hurtled round head of WILLIAM O'BRIEN, TIM HEALY, and dear old JOSEPH GILLIS. JOHN DILLON sometimes suspended; occasionally sent to prison; but the honesty of his motives, the purity of his patriotism, always acknowledged. Mistaken, led astray (that is to say differed from us on matters of opinion), but meant well.

"Yes, TOBY," said the SAGE, lighting another cigarette; "always well when you're going it hot for a Party to have some individual in it whom you can omit from general implication of infamous motives. Gives one high moral standpoint, doncha know. Thus, when I want to suggest that THE MARKISS is a mere tool in hands of BISMARCK, I extol honest purposes of OLD MORALITY; hint, you know, that he is not so sharp of perception as he might be; but that gives him the fuller claim upon our sympathy, seeing that he is yoked with a colleague of the natural depravity, and capable of the infinite iniquity, which marks the MARKISS'S relations with public affairs. The great thing, dear TOBY, in public controversy is to assume an attitude of impartiality. When you have to suggest that a political adversary was privy to the putting-away of his grandmother, do it rather in sorrow than in anger, and if you can find or make an opportunity of saying at the same time a kind word for one of his colleagues, seize it. That's why we cheer HARTINGTON to-night, and why the Tories sometimes admit that JOHN DILLON'S an honest man."

_Business done._--_Parnell_ moved rejection of Land Purchase Bill.

_Tuesday._--COURTNEY on in his famous quick-change scene. One minute he is discovered in recesses of canopied chair as Speaker; the next is seated at table as Chairman of Committees. SPEAKER, everyone sorry to learn, is ill in bed. So COURTNEY doubles his part. Proceeding watched with profound interest from Strangers' Gallery. At ten minutes and ten seconds to Seven House in Committee of Supply. COURTNEY in Chair at table; Mace off the table; TANNER on his legs. As hand of clock falters over the numeral ten, COURTNEY gets up, says never a word, wheels to right out of Chair and marches to rear. TANNER stops midway in sentence and resumes seat. Sergeant-at-Arms bowing thrice advances, lifts Mace on to table, and retires. Stranger in Gallery wondering what has become of COURTNEY, appalled by discovering him in SPEAKER'S Chair, quite a new man. On these occasions marks his swiftly varying condition by altered tone of voice. As Chairman of Committees, assumes piping treble voice, as Deputy-Chairman drops occasional observations in profound bass.

"Only thing left to me, dear TOBY," he said, when I congratulated him on his treble. "Haven't time to change dress, even if it were permissible; must do something to mark wide gulf fixed between Chairman of Committee and SPEAKER; so hit upon this scheme. Glad you like the treble; a little out of my line, but practice makes perfect."

At Evening Sitting question of Labour and Capital brought on by BARTLEY. CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM let House see what a terrible fellow he is. Doesn't look the part; but after speech to-night no question of his innate ferocity. _Sim Tappertit_ not in it for such blood-curdling remarks. "I have," he said just now, "often interfered between Capital and Labour; but, thank Heaven! I have never interfered in the character of a conciliator."

"Ha, ha!" he cried, a little later, _à propos_ of nothing. "You talk of inciting to violence. I have never incited to violence, and wherefore? Because, in present state of affairs, with society a vast organised conspiracy, violence would recoil on the heads of the Working Classes. But, Sir, the time will come when things will be otherwise, and the very moment that power is in the hands of the Working Classes I shall incite them to violence."

After this House took early opportunity of adjourning. Pretty to see Members stealing across Palace Yard in the dark, looking furtively right and left, not sure that moment was not come, and SIMON CUNNINGHAME TAPPERTIT GRAHAM was not hounding on his "United Bulldogs" against the Classes. "We must look out, BROADHURST," said JAMES ROWLANDS, nervously rubbing his hand. "It's all very well of your retiring to Cromer. I think I shall practise with a revolver; shall certainly carry a sword-stick."

_Business done._--Budget Resolutions through Committee.

_Thursday Night._--HOME SECRETARY came down to-day in unusually good spirits. Nothing happened of late to give enemy occasion to blaspheme. Crewe affair seems quite forgotten; nobody going to be hanged when he ought to be reprieved, or reprieved when he ought to be hanged. Seems almost as if, after all, life for HOME SECRETARY would be worth living. Whatever embarrassments ahead belong to other Departments of Ministry. Land Purchase troubles, not the HOME SECRETARY, nor Bi-Metallism either. RAIKES been doing something at the Post Office. GOSCHEN been tampering with tea, and sinning in the matter of currants. Something wrong with the Newfoundland Fisheries, but that FERGUSSON'S look-out. True, ELCHO wanting to know about some prisoners taken from Ipswich to Bury in chains. Sounds bad sort of thing; sure to be letters in newspapers about it. But HOME SECRETARY able to lay hand on heart and swear the chains were light. ELCHO blustered a bit. Irish Members, naturally interested in arrangements for going to prison, threateningly cheered; but after what MATTHEWS had suffered in other times this affair lighter than the chains themselves.

Incident had passed; questions on paper disposed of; soon be debating Land Purchase Bill; all would be well for at least another day. Suddenly up gets HARCOURT; wants to know who is responsible for the design of new police buildings on Thames Embankment? Flush of pride mantles brow of MATTHEWS. This red-hot building--its gables, its roofs, its windows, its doorways, and its twisted knockers--was designed under his direction. It is his dower to London, set forth on one of its most spacious sites. What does HARCOURT want to know about it? Why is PLUNKET so studious in repudiating all responsibility for the thing? Wherefore does crowded House cheer and laugh when HARCOURT gives notice to call attention to building on Home Office Vote? Can it be possible that here is another mistake? Ought he to have hanged the architect instead of encouraging him? Always doing things for the best, and they turn out the very worst. Been occasionally misunderstood; but did, at least, think that London would be grateful for this emanation from the heated architectural mind.

"Looks so like a carbuncle suddenly developed on Embankment, with the stately Thames swirling below, that I really thought they would like it," said HOME SECRETARY, mopping his furrowed brow. "But there are some people, TOBY, who are never pleased, and prominent among them are the people of London."

_Business done._--Debate on Land Purchase Bill.

_Friday._--Things rather in a muddle to-day all round. At Morning Sitting didn't get Supply which everybody expected would be order of day; didn't proceed with Allotments Bill, which was first on Orders. At night, PROVAND on first with Dried Currants; MCLAREN to follow with Woman's Suffrage, neither turned up, and at half-past eleven by dint of Closure, got into Committee of Supply. GEORGE CAMPBELL cruising up and down in New Guinea steamer; finally docked. Then ARTHUR WILLIAMS moved to report progress; more discussion; OLD MORALITY pounced; Division on Closure; COURTNEY named SHEEHY as one of tellers; SHEEHY in Limerick; House couldn't wait for him to return; so WADDY brought out of Lobby to tell with TANNER. When Closure carried, it was ten minutes past one. House bound to rise at one o'clock; Chairman equally bound to put the question, which was to report progress. Motion for progress negatived, which meant that the House would go on with business; but it being a quarter past one Deputy-Speaker must needs leave Chair, and so sitting collapsed.

"Dear me!" said BOLTON, "this is hard to understand. Must go off to the Garrick and think it over."

_Business done._--None.