Chapter 2

She now gathers round herself a select company of two or three female friends, whom the easy good-nature of her husband permits to stay in his house for months at a time. Into their sympathetic ears she pours the story of her woes, and gradually organises them into a trained band of disciplined conspirators, who make it their constant object to defend the wife by thwarting the husband. They have their signs and their pass-words. If the callous male, for the enjoyment of whose hospitality they seem to gain an additional zest by affecting to despise and defy him, should intimate at the dinner-table that he has ventured to make some arrangement without consulting them, they will raise their eyebrows, and look pityingly at the wife. She will inform them, in a tone of convinced melancholy, that she has long suspected that she was of no importance to any one, but that now she knows it for certain. She will then tell her husband that, as she is no longer allowed to interest herself in what he does, she has of course no opinion on the matter in hand, and that, if she had one, she would never think of offering it when she knows that all interference on her part is always so bitterly resented. Her husband's temper having exploded in the orthodox marital manner, she will smile sweetly upon him, and, the butler and footman having entered with the fish, will implore him, in a voice intended rather for the servants than for him, to moderate his anger, lest he should set a bad example. She will then weep silently into her tumbler, and her friends, after expressing a muttered indignation at the heartlessness of men, will support her tottering steps from the room. If her husband should invite one or two of his friends to dinner on a subsequent occasion, she will amuse herself and madden him by recounting to them this incident, in which she will figure as a suffering angel, whose wings have moulted under the neglect and cruel treatment of an unangelic spouse. If, while her story is in progress, she should observe her husband writhing, she will inform him that she is sure he must be sitting in a draught, and will order the butler to place a screen behind him. Having thus called attention to his discomfort, and to the care with which she watches over him, she will take offence when he countermands the screen; and, after giving the company in general to understand that she is not allowed to give orders in her own house, she will, for the rest of the evening, preserve a death-like calm. This will be followed, on the departure of her guests, by showers of tears and reproaches, the inevitable prelude to twenty-four hours of salts and seclusion in the privacy of her bed-room. It is curious to note that, although the Martyr, at an early period of her married life, developes a distaste for going into society, which she attributes to the persecution of her husband; yet she always contrives to spend as much money as those who live in a whirl of gaiety. Her bills, therefore, mount up, and, in a moment of unguarded pecuniary prudence, her husband will remonstrate mildly with her upon her extravagance. She will, thereupon, accuse him to her friends of meanness, and avow her determination never again to ask him for money. For a short time she will pay portions of her own bills, but, finding her pin-money insufficient for the purpose, she will sell some jewels, and spend the proceeds on a new tea-gown. Her increasing liabilities will afford her no anxiety, seeing that her sense of martyrdom increases in proportion, and that in her heart of hearts she knows that her husband is prepared to pay everything, and will eventually have to do so.

After some years of this life her husband will have acquired the reputation of a domestic ruffian. Friends will shake their heads, and wonder how long his sweet wife will bear up against his treatment. It will be reported, on the authority of imaginary eye-witnesses, that he has thrown a soup-plate at her, and that, on more than one occasion, he has beaten her. He will find himself shunned, and will be driven for society and pleasure to his bachelor haunts. His wife will now rage with jealousy over a defection she has done her best to cause. After a time she will hire the services of a detective, and will file a petition in the Divorce Court. The case will probably be undefended, and the Court having listened to her tale of cruelty, the imaginative boldness of which will startle even the friend who corroborates it in the witness-box, will decree to her a divorce from the supposed author of her sufferings. She will then set up for a short time as an object of universal pity, but, meeting a bluff and burly widower, she will accept him as her second husband. After having wearied of her constant recital of her former misery, this husband will begin to neglect and ill-use her in good earnest. Under the tonic of this genuine shock, her spirits may revive; and it is as likely as not that she will enjoy many years of mitigated happiness as the wife of a real tyrant.

* * * * *

MORE NOVELTIES.--Sir,--The Fasting Man seems to have been a great success. Why shouldn't he be succeeded by The Stuffing Man, The Eating Boy, and The Talking Man. The last of these would be backed to talk incessantly on every possible subject for forty days. In the Recess, what a chance for Mr. GLADSTONE, or, indeed, for any Parliamentary orator, who, otherwise, would be on the stump! Instead of his going to the Country, the Country, and London, too, would come to him. Big business for Aquarium and for Talking Man. Then there would be The Sneezing Man, The Smoking Man, The Singing Man, The Drinking Man, and so forth. It's endless. I only ask for a per-centage on gate-money, and I place the idea at the disposition of the Aquarium.

Yours,

THE OTHER MAN.

* * * * *

YET ANOTHER QUARTERLY.--_Subjects of the Day_--sounds like an Algerian publication--is a quarterly review of current topics. The motto of this new quarterly review of Messrs. ROUTLEDGE'S is "_Post Tenebras Lux_" which, being freely translated, means, "after the heavy reviews this comes as a little light reading!" Ahem! the subject of No. 1 is Education, and to study the essays in this volume will keep any reader well occupied till the appearance of No. 2.

* * * * *

THE LEGEND OF THE BRIAR-ROOT.

(_Suggestion for companion subject to "The Briar Rose," by E. Burne-Jones, A.R.A., now exhibiting at Messrs. Agnew & Sons' Gallery, Bond Street._)

* * * * *

TIPS FROM THE TAPE.

(_Picked up in Mr. Punch's Own Special City Corner._)

EVER since it became known that, in conformity with the general interest in the condition of the Stock and Share Market, now manifested by all classes of readers, you had determined to start your own special "Corner," for the purpose of keeping your eye on the matter, and had appointed me as your "City Commissioner," if I have been flooded with applications from Stock-jobbers, tendering their advice, I may say I have been literally overwhelmed by applications from clients and outsiders, asking me for mine. With five tapes always on the move, telephonic communication with everywhere, and my telegraphic address of "Panjimcracks," comfortably installed in a third-floor flat in commanding premises, within a stone's throw of the Stock Exchange, I flatter myself that, at least in all the surroundings of my position, I am, acting under your instructions, well up to the mark.

You would wish naturally to know something of the state of the market, and would doubtless like to hear from me, if there is any particular investment that I can recommend as safe for a rise. I have been giving some attention lately to

PATAGONIAN CROCODILES,

but from news that has reached me from a private and most reliable source (I hear that the Chairman and Directors, who have gone off with the balance-sheet have disappeared, and have not been heard of for months) I should strongly advise, if you hold any of it, to get rid of it, if you can, as soon as possible. I have a similar tale to tell about

HERNEBAY Z'S.

This Stock has been run up by purchasers for the fall; and, though in October last it somehow touched 117-3/8, it is now standing at 9-1/4, and, spite the rumours of increased traffic receipts (due to the fact that a family drove up to the station last week in a cab), artfully put into circulation by interested holders, I would certainly get out of it before the issue of the forthcoming Report, which I hear, on good authority, not only announces the payment of no dividend on the Debenture Stock, but makes the unwelcome statement to the shareholders of the prospective seizure of the whole of the rolling stock under a debtors' summons, a catastrophe that must land the affairs of the Company in inevitable bankruptcy. Under these circumstances, I do not think I can conscientiously advise you to "hold;" still, you might watch the Market for a day or two; but, at any rate, take my advice, and get rid of your "Crocodiles."

I subjoin some of my correspondence:--

DEAR SIR,--I am in the somewhat embarrassing position of being responsible for £5000 under the marriage settlement of a niece, that, owing to my want of financial knowledge, has, I fear, been somewhat injudiciously, if not absolutely, illegally invested by my Co-Trustee. Though the settlement stipulates that only Government Stocks and Railway Debentures are available, I find that the money at the present moment is thus disposed of:--

Purchasing Present Last Security. Price. Price. Div.

£1000 Kangaroo Copper Trust 193 13-1/8 None

2000 Bursters' Patent Coffin Company 157 4 None

1000 Battersea Gold Syndicate 235 7-1/2 None

500 International Balloon Transit 170 Nil. None

500 Bolivian Spasmodics 194 9-1/8 None

You see it is not so much the depreciated value of the Securities, which certainly read well, but the absence of the Dividend which perplexes me. What would be your advice? Should I sell, or continue to hold?

A PUZZLED TRUSTEE.

We should certainly hold.

SIR,--Acting on the advice of a friend who is in the Directorate, I have largely invested in the Automatic Hair-cutting Company. Owing, however, to the fact that customers, who will not hold their heads properly, have on several occasions latterly had their ears trimmed, and a pattern cut on their necks, several actions for heavy damages have been brought against the concern. These having been successful in every case, the Company is virtually ruined, and the shares are, in consequence, almost unsaleable. What should I do with mine?

AN ANXIOUS SPECULATOR.

Hold. The Company has evidently touched bottom. Wait for the rise.

You will see from the above specimens, taken at random from a heap of others, that I utterly deprecate panic. "Never cut losses" is the wholesome and cheerful advice I give all my clients. There cannot be a doubt about it being thoroughly sound; for it stands to reason if no one were to sell out, no securities would ever fall. So, to nine out of ten who ask my advice I invariably say, "Hold." Though I have several stocks in prospective, the movements of which I am watching most attentively, I have, I confess, hardly got things into proper working order yet, but I have a grand scheme on foot that will, I fancy, take the wind out of the sails of many hitherto successful Stockdealers. In my new system three-and-sixpence will cover £500! Here will be a chance for even the schoolboy to taste the delights of Monte Carlo. But more of this later. Suffice it to say, that I have a "Combination Pool" in my eye, that if I can only carry out with the right sort of stock, ought to make the fortune of every one concerned.

* * * * *

THEATRICAL SHORT SERVICE BILL.--CHARLES THE SECOND (WYNDHAM) is following in the footsteps of CHARLES THE FIRST (MATHEWS) and beginning to play several short pieces as one entertainment, instead of giving a three-act farce or comedy, and one brief and unimportant curtain-raiser. At least, he is _Trying It On_. How far preferable, in the summer and autumn season, would be an evening bill of fare consisting of three _entrées_, each of a different character, and all of first-rate quality. The patron of the drama could pick and choose, and be satisfied with an hour, or two hours, or three hours' entertainment. How much better for the actor's art, too, by way of varying his _rôles_. The stall people would rather pay the present price of half a guinea for anything, however short, which it was the fashion to see, than for a long piece which only bores them. To see short pieces, they might come two or three times instead of once, and the management could make a reduction on taking a quantity.

There is a small fortune waiting for this CHARLES, or t'other CHARLES, 'yclept HAWTREY, whichever may take up the idea and work it.

AUDI MAGISTRUM PUNCHIUM.

* * * * *

* * * * *

STANLEY AFRICANUS!

_Mr. Punch loquitur:--_

"MR. STANLEY, I presume!" Well, the crowd will fuss and fume, From the mob you'll get, no doubt, a noisy greeting:; But I'm pleased to take your hand on the threshold of the land; This is truly a most gratifying meeting! Nay, no need for you to blush, for I am not going to gush There are plenty who'll indulge in fuss and flummery. Heroes like to be admired, but you'll probably be tired Of tall-talk ere this spring greenery shows summery. "An illustrious pioneer," says the Belgian King. 'Tis clear That at any rate you've earned that appellation. True words tell, though tattlers twist 'em, and a "mighty fluvial system" You have opened up no doubt to civilisation. Spreading tracts of territory 'tis your undisputed glory To have footed for the first time (save by savages), The result will be that Trade will there supersede the raid Of the slaver, and the ruthless chieftain's ravages. That is useful work well done, and it hasn't been all fun, As you found in that huge awful tract of forest, And you must have felt some doubt of your chance of winning out Of all perils when your need was at the sorest. Mortal sickness now and then, and the pranks of lesser men, Must have tried your iron health and steely temper. But, like SCIPIO of old, you 're as patient as you're bold, And you turn up tough and timely, _idem semper_!

STANLEY AFRICANUS! Yes, that's a fitting name, I guess, For as stout a soul as PUBLIUS CORNELIUS; And now, probably, there's no man will not dub you "noblest Roman," Though you once had many a foeman contumelious. Have them still? Oh yes, no doubt; but just now they'll scarce speak out In a tone to mar the laudatory chorus: Though when once they've had a look, HENRY mine, in your Big Book, They with snips, and snaps, and snarls, are sure to bore us. Well, that will not matter much if you only keep in touch With all that is humane, and wise, and manly. Your time has been well spent in that huge Dark Continent, And all England's word to-day is, "Welcome, STANLEY!"

* * * * *

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

In his _By Order of the Czar_ Mr. JOSEPH HATTON exposes the cruelties of Muscovite rule in the most trenchant yet entertaining fashion. The headings to the chapters (to say nothing of their contents) are exciting to a degree, and consequently it is not altogether surprising that the Russian officials, possibly hearing that the three handsome volumes might cause a revolution, should have refused them admission to the Emperor's dominions. Be this as it may, in each of the aforesaid handsome volumes appears a slip of yellow paper, announcing that "it is prohibited by the Government of the CZAR from circulation in Russia." How fortunate--not, of course, for the Russians, poor things, to be deprived of this treat--but how fortunate that it is not prohibited _here_! With Mr. JOSEPH HATTON continuously in his thoughts, the BARON has sung ever since--not only "_In the Gloaming_," be it understood, but during the following day, and well into the succeeding night--"_Best_ for him (J. H), _and best_ for me (B. DE B. W.)." The novel should have a large general circulation, in spite of the boycotting to which it has been locally subjected in St. Petersburg, Moscow, and Siberia.

Miss JEANIE MIDDLEMASS has made a step in the right direction by publishing _Two False Moves_. Like all her work, the new novel is deeply interesting. As it is full of "go," it is sure to be continually on the march in the circulating libraries.

In _Miss Mephistopheles_, Mr. FEARGUS HUME gives us a story much in advance of _The Mystery of a Hansom Cab_. It is better in construction, its character sketches are more life-like, and its literary style is superior--therefore there is every chance of its not being so successful with the general public.

BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.

* * * * *

COURT NAPPING.

MRS. WOOD can't expect to be always the lucky possessor of a _Dandy Dick_, nor can Mr. PINERO hope always to be up to that really good farcical standard. The good PINERO has nodded over this. _The Cabinet Minister_ is an excellent title thrown away. The Cabinet Minister himself, Mr. ARTHUR CECIL, in his official costume, playing the flute, is as burlesque as the General in full uniform, in Mr. GILBERT'S "_Wedding March_," sitting with his feet in hot-water. The married boy and girl, with their doll baby and irritatingly unreal quarrels, reminded me of the boy-and-girl lovers in _Brantingham Hall_. The mother of _The Macphail_--the wooden Scotch figure (represented by Mr. B. THOMAS) still to be seen at the door of small tobacconists,--is a Helen-Macgregorish bore, curiously suggestive of what Mr. RIGHTON might look like in petticoats. Mrs. JOHN WOOD'S part is a very trying one, and not what the public expect from her.

Though the piece begins fairly well, yet it is dull until Mr. WEEDON GROSSMITH, as _Joseph Lebanon_, comes on the scene in the Second Act, when everyone begins to be amused, and ends by being disappointed. _Joseph_ remains the hero of the situation, and, cad as he is, the behaviour of the ladies and gentlemen towards him reduces them to his level, so that, in spite of its being a farce, we begin to pity him as we pity Mr. GUTHRIE'S _Pariah_, and as those who remember THEODORE HOOK'S novel have pitied that wretched little cad, _Jack Brag_. The part is not equal to _Aunt Jack's_ Solicitor, and had Mr. GROSSMITH, by the kind permission of Mr. PINERO, departed from the conventional Adelphi and Drury Lane type of comic Hebraic money-lender, he would have done better. The piece is played with the burlesque earnestness that characterised the first performances of _Engaged_ at the Haymarket, which piece the Scotch accent recalls to the playgoer's memory. No one can possibly feel any interest in the lovers.

As a rule Mr. PINERO'S stage-management is simple and effective: but here the design is confused and the result is an appearance of restless uncertainty. Drumdurris Castle seems to be a lunatic asylum, of which the principal inmates are two elderly female patients, one, like a twopence-coloured plate of some ancient Scotch heroine, with a craze about Scotland, and the other mad on saying "Fal-lal," and screaming out something about "motives." If eight of the characters were cut out, "they'd none of 'em be missed," and if the play were compressed into one Act, it would contain the essence of all that was worth retaining, and, with a few songs and dances, might make an attractive _lever de rideau_ or "laughable farce to finish," before, or after, a revival of _Dandy Dick_.

AMICUS CANDIDUS.

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S PROVERBS UP TO DATE.

An acre of land in Melbourne is better than two miles in the bush.

Not enough at the Aquarium pays better than a feast.

You may start a train punctually from the terminus, but you can't get it to keep its time _en route_.

You can't make an English purse out of an Irish Land Bill.

A Tea Duty will annoy for ever.

It is the early Tram-man who holds the morning meeting.

Look after the wire-fences for the horses and the hounds will take care of themselves.

A man may go nine times to Holloway for contempt, and after the tenth visit come before the Official Receiver and be broke.

A School Board is soon parted from its money.

Give a dog a muzzle and you needn't chain him.

* * * * *

"NOTHING WHEN YOU'RE ROOSE'D TO IT,"--We've heard plenty about _diner à la Roose_, and the _Here and There and Everywhere and Fare of London Life_, but now we are to have _Fasting à la Roose_. Vide article in May number of _New Review_ on Fasting, by Dr. ROBINSON CRUSOE,--beg pardon,--should have said Dr. ROBSON ROOSE O. Article not variation on ROOSE O'S Dream, but thoroughly practical.

* * * * *

WEEK BY WEEK.

_Wednesday, April 30._--_Mr. Punch_ rises early and appears everywhere. Whole holiday. General rejoicings. Grand Banquet in the evening as usual. Private Reception of Mr. STANLEY, I presume. No one admitted without orders--on his uniform. Great reception of Mr. H. M. STANLEY by his Hairdresser.

_Thursday, May 1._--Headaches. Chimney Sweeper's Day. Sootable occasion for Sweeping Reform Meetings everywhere. N. B.--Edinburgh Exhibition. Scots wha' hae. Reception of Mr. H. M. STANLEY by the eminent Explorer's tailor, bootmaker, and hosier.

_Friday, May 2._--Strictly Private View of the Pictures at Burlington House. Admissions limited to not more than 100,000 patrons of Art. Quiet day. Everybody preparing speech for the Academy Banquet to-morrow. Deputation to Mr. H. M. STANLEY from Aquarium, to ask if he will take SUCCI'S place.

_Saturday._--Great Cooking Match at the Café Royal, Lunch Time, Trial Steaks. Opening of the front door by Mr. H. M. STANLEY. Snug little dinner at Burlington House. Sir FREDERICK, P. R. A., in the chair. Musical entertainment by Mr. WHISTLER. Fireworks by Mr. H-RRY F-RN-SS.

_Sunday.--Dies Non._ No Day!! Curious effect. Gas lighted everywhere. Private Banquet to Mr. STANLEY, who discovers the sauce of the lobster, and takes it with his salmon. Rejoicings.

_Monday._--Ceremony of changing sentinels at Buckingham Palace. Every sentinel very much changed after the operation. Opening of a New Book by Mr. H. M. STANLEY. Mrs. SNOOKS'S first dance, if she has learnt it in time for to-night.

_Tuesday._--Preparations for to-morrow. The Platelayers' annual festival, ROBERT, the Waiter, in the chair. Reception by Mr. H. M. STANLEY, of a parcel from his tailor's. Usual banquets, dances, races, excursions, alarums.

_Wednesday._--_Mr. Punch_ comes out stronger than ever. Congratulatory telegrams from all parts of Europe. Banquet as usual.