Chapter 2

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"GRENADIERS TO THE FRONT!"

I must confess, my dear Editor, I was greatly gratified at your gracefully recognising my twenty years' service, spent in the defence of my QUEEN and my country (in the Militia), by asking me to be present at the initial performance of the Guards Burlesque Company of _Fra Diavolo_ in the Theatre Royal, Recreation Room, Chelsea Barracks, S.W.

The place was not entirely new to me. Last year it had been my good fortune to see _Ivanhoe_, with Mr. NUGENT in the principal character--a gallant and talented gentleman, who was, alas! conspicuous by his absence on the present occasion. I was given to understand that this year the Grenadiers were ordered "to the front," and that the command had been obeyed, the list of the _Dramatis Personæ_ amply proved.

The music was admirably selected by Mr. EDWARD SOLOMON, the "_Baker Roll_" from _Pickwick_ going capitally. The scenery, by the Hon. ARNOLD KEPPEL (late Scots Guards), was good, and "the writing up to date," by Mr. YARDLEY (never to be forgotten on the field of cricket), was better.

For the rest, I may say that the Guards' Burlesque Company, from a theatrical professional stand-point, were hardly "Gaiety form," but, as amateurs, they were simply magnificent. There was no supper--but this is a detail. Yours sincerely,

A VERY OLD SOLDIER.

_The Plains of Waterloo, in rear of the Army and Navy Stores, S. W._

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"LENT LECTURES."--A Correspondent signing himself "MISSING LINK," says, that he frequently sees Lectures advertised as above, and wants to know if they come into the same category with "Borrowed Sermons." [Don't know. Consult Mr. F. JEUNE, Q.C., or the Archbishop of CANTERBURY.--ED.]

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"THAT ought to be an interesting and amusing article in _Lippincott's Magazine_ for March," observed Mrs. RAM--"I mean the one called, 'Who are the Christy Minstrels'?" We referred to the number. No such article in it; but one entitled, "Who are Christian Ministers?" Probably this was it. Near enough for Mrs. R.

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SONG SENTIMENTIANA.

(_A Delightful "All-The-Year-Round" Resort for the Fashionable Composer._)

EX. I.--RESPECTING THE LOVER'S INDIFFERENCE FOR THE ADVANTAGES OF CIVILISATION.

I am waiting in darkness to greet her-- Why in darkness I cannot explain, For there's plenty of gas in the meter, And enough, I suppose, in the main! But 'tis darkness so unpenetrating, And 'tis darkness so dismally deep! And I'm waiting, and waiting, and waiting, Like the chap in "A Garden of Sleep."

I've been patiently waiting to meet her, Till I'm thoroughly sick of this gloom; It is ten by my Benson repeater-- It was six when I entered the room! But I must not begin to grow weary, And to stamp, and to fret, and to curse! The surroundings are certainly dreary, But they might be decidedly worse!

I am waiting, still waiting, to greet her!-- Here all night I'm determined to stand, For a prettier girl, or a sweeter, There is not to be seen in the land! If I go, I am sure to regret it, So I'll make up my mind here to stay. What though time _is_ departing? Well, let it! _I_ shall wait here for ever and aye!

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

The Walery-Gallery Co.--for WALERY has transformed himself into a Limited Liability--is bringing out a series of "Sporting Celebrities," with sporting notes, monographs, and dramatic notes too. The photographs are excellent. Two in each monthly number. The monographs are right enough, but the sporting and dramatic notes in a monthly, are either not sufficient or too much. Three portraits and three monographs, one sportswoman and two sportsmen in each number would be better, at least, so it seems to the learned Baron, who would sum up the requisites for making the Walery-Gallery Sporting Series a success in a Shakspearian quotation, adapted for this special occasion,--"More art and less matter."

The Baron is always much interested in the _Revue de Famille_, directed and largely contributed to by M. JULES SIMON, who is also a pretty regular contributor to its pages. In December last, M. SIMON wrote a thoughtful and interesting article on _L'Education des Femmes_, and M. FRANCISQUE SARCEY, a very amusing paper on _Le Timide au Théâtre_. The number for February (it is only a bi-monthly publication) has a paper on _L'Influence_ (not the influenza) _des Femmes en France_, the only fault of which is its length; and GYP gives a satirical sketch called _Nos Docteurs_, which hardly seems in keeping with the family character of the _Revue_. The March Number is now out, and can be procured at HACHETTE'S. It is one of the best French serials.

A delightful book is _Yorkshire Legends and Traditions_, collected and recounted by the Rev. THOMAS PARKINSON. He who writes of fairies and of witches should of course possess some potent spell--(how many members of the School-Board, had they lived a couple of hundred years ago, would have been punished as witches for teaching "spelling," it is pleasant to imagine)--and Mr. PARKINSON'S great charm is his apparent belief in the wonders he relates. Even when he occasionally alludes to "popular superstition," you feel it is only a phrase introduced evidently out of consideration for the unphilosophic prejudices of his "so-called" Nineteenth-Century readers, who pride themselves on being HUXLEYS in the full blaze of scientific light, and yet would shrink from passing a night in a haunted room, or, if alone, would go a mile out of their way to avoid an uncanny spot. The greatest mistake made by narrators of the marvellous is attempting to account for the unaccountable. This book is, I believe, one of a series now being published by ELLIOT STOCK, of Paternoster Row, a stock which Your Own Baron recommends as a safe investment, for the book alone is a good dividend, the interest being kept up all through; and it is satisfactory to hear that, as the other counties of England, and perhaps of Ireland and Scotland, are being dealt with in a similar manner, there is a good reserve-fund of information and amusement.

Mr. RUNCIMAN, in _The Fortnightly_, brings a serious indictment of plagiarism against Mr. RIDER HAGGARD, which it strikes me he would be unable to sustain in a Court of Common Sense before MR. PRESIDENT PUNCH, unless it were first laid down as a fixed principle, that a writer of fiction must never have recourse to any narrative of facts whereon to base his Romance.

THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

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SWEET LAVENDER.--Miss SPRULES, whose "Lavender Farm" in Surrey was recently visited by a ubiquitous _P. M. Gazetter_, appears to be a real scenter of attraction. "Does it pay?" asked the Interviewer. And of course the Lady's answer was, "Scent per scent."

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"JUNKETING" IN LONDON.--Last Saturday a grand Devonian Dinner took place at the Criterion. Of course, only _La Crême de la Crême_ of Devon were present.

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THE "SO-CALLED" NINETEENTH CENTURY FOR THIS MONTH.--"_'Palmer' qui ... ferat._" Has the gallant Corporal any more to Tel-(el-Kebir)?

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FROM "1ST FLAT, COLNEY HATCHWELL."--The song of "_Be Mine_" is a great success. The song "_Be Minor_" ought to be a greater.

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NEW NOVEL, shortly to appear, by a Director of the London and Westminster Bank, entitled, _Allsopps and Conditions of Men_.

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UNGRAMMATICAL BUT QUITE CORRECT.--When a Gentleman asks, at a book-stall, "Have you a number of _Woman_ here?"

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WHAT'S "a bore for coal is fun for us!" Mem. by Shareholder, S. E. Line.

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THANK GOODNESS!

"Off?" Thank goodness, yes! Always was--confound it!-- An unsavoury mess, Foulness reeking round it. Resurrection pie Not in it for nastiness. Dished-up--who knows why?-- With unseemly hastiness. Of the _chef's_ poor skill, Feeblest of expedients. Sure we've had our fill Of its stale ingredients. _Toujours perdrix_? Pooh! That is scarce delightful; _Toujours_ Irish Stew Very much more frightful. Thrice-cooked colewort? Ah! That no doubt were tedious; But this hotch-potch? Pah! Thought of it is hideous. It has been too long _Pièce de résistance_; Take its odour strong To unsniffing distance.

Waiter's self looks sick At the very thought of it. Oh, remove it, quick! Customers want nought of it. Eh? One hungry sinner Asks another plateful? He should have his dinner Snatched by harpies fateful. Kitchen never yet Knew a failure greater. Few its end regret. Surely not the Waiter. He his finger had In the pie--or gravy. Did he? Well, 'tis sad. He must cry "_Peccavi!_" But whoever mixed, Or whoever boiled it, Our opinion's fixed, He, or they, quite spoiled it. 'Tis the general scoff, Butt of chaff and rudeness. Irish Stew is "Off", Finally--Thank Goodness!

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REVISED VERSION. "IN GLOBO."--The author of Dixon's Johnsonary, who last week sent us a paragraph about the Globe Theatre (where, he said, it was pleasant to find the name of SHAKSPEARE once more associated with that of his great contemporary, JOHN BENSON), was wrong in saying that Miss DOROTHY DENE is taking the part of _Hippolyta_ in _The Midsummer Matinée's Dream_. It is very kind of so conscientious an _artiste_ to "take anybody's part." But, as a matter of fact, Miss DOROTHY is appearing as _Helena, La belle Hélène_, in the same drama.

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"SPRING HATS FOR LADIES."--Are they going to adopt the _gibus_?

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MORE TO FOLLOW.

The dinner given by Mr. JAMES STAATS FORBES, Chairman of the L.C. & D. Railway, last Wednesday, to M. EIFFEL, and the French Engineers, was a big success. As the _P. M. G._, which, being now edited by a _chef_,--at least, he is a man-Cook,--authoritatively informed us, in anticipation of this feast, "The Continent and Great Britain have been ransacked for delicacies." There is to be another banquet, we hear, and more "ransacking." Once again will that delightfully-entertaining Chairman, J. S. FORBES, of the Lucullus Chatting and Dining Line, present a menu which will be unexampled in culinary history. By great favour we are permitted to present a few of the delights of this bill of fare, in which a SOYER would have rejoiced, a UDE have delighted, and of which a BRILLAT-SAVARIN might indeed have been proud. No expense in ransacking has been spared. They are sending to the prairie for prairie oysters; to Egypt for _Pot-au-feu (soupe à la mauvaise femme)_; to Jerusalem for artichokes, to Bath for chaps, and Brussels for sprouts. Bordeaux will be ransacked for pigeons, Scotland for Scotch woodcock, Wales for rabbits, Sardinia for sardines, and Turkey for rhubarb. Special messengers are travelling through Germany in search of sausages; others are in Ireland seeking supplies of the stew of that country. Bombay is being ransacked for its celebrated Bombay ducks, Guinea for fowls, Norfolk for dumplings, and Chili for vinegar. Merchant traders are already in treaty with Madeira for cakes; and while Naples is being ransacked for ices, the Government Stationery Office at home will yield an almost inexhaustible supply of wafers.

The guests, led by a choir arrayed in twenty-four sheets, also supplied by the Stationery Office, will sing a delightful compound of the drinking chorus in _Through the Looking-Glass_, and "_The Bonnets of Bonny Dundee_," which will go as follows, all (who can) standing:--

Let's fill up our glasses with treacle and ink, And anything else that is pleasant to drink, And hook the best port and let us gay free, And hurrah for STAATS FORBES and the L. C. & D.!

We can only give these few hints, as of course, this is but a small portion of the _menu_, a mere pennyworth to any amount of ransacking.

VIVAT LUCULLUS!

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A COLONIAL FRIEND PAYS ME A VISIT.

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"LE KICKE-BALL" IN FRANCE.

(_A Vindication._)

MON CHER MONSIEUR PUNCH,--That you have been the victim of "a 'oax," crafty, ingenious, and abominable, there is now no shadow of a doubt. That letter palmed off on to your good and trustful nature the week before last, with the signature of "LE HEADS MASTERRE," professing to deal with the subject of the International athleticism, I should unfailingly pronounce, after cursory investigation, to be a forgery, impudent and profound. For survey the facts: while it proposed, in a set of regulations _bizarre_ and fantastic, to abolish "Le 'Arf-back," as a superfluous officer in the French game, a contest took place in the very centre of this Paris, in which not only the "'Arf-back," but the "Three-quarterre-back" was referred to as having been _changed four times in the progress of one game_! Nor was this all. So highly and efficiently trained by the indefatigable Principal had been the French "'Ome-team," that,--glorious announcement to make,--they succeeded in carrying off the victory, not merely from one of your Public School Clubs, representing only one country, but from a united "_Onze_," that might have been regarded with a natural and excusable patriotic pride, as the combined force of all the whole civilised world. Yes, the force opposed to our courageous youths of the _Lycée Janson de Sailly_ comprised not only Englishmen, but other nationalities, including sons of the American United States and Holland. Against this formidable combination the active and sportsmanlike youth of our re-awakened athletic France scored a victory, easy, swift, and complete, of two tries to nothing.

For further particulars, I refer you to the newspapers of the period, that furnish the details of the affair. In them you will see that, so far from "_Le Scrimmage_" being abandoned, on the contrary, several, of a character hotly contested, and severe, appear to have arisen in the efforts necessary to secure _les deux "tries"_; for though no mention is made of the Hospital ambulance, yet it is hinted that much sticking-plasterre must have been used in fastening up and healing the many contusions, grave, startling, and various, resulting from the furious kicking of legs, and struggling of bodies, inevitable in the progress of "_Un Scrimmage_" in which _Three-quarters-back_, _'Arf-backs_, _Forwards_, and _even Goal-keeperes_ were often mingled in confusion, bewildering and prolonged, and only saved from being deadly and prostrating by the admirable _élan_ and courageous spirit with which it was encountered.

No, _mon cher Monsieur Punch_, I do not say that when our Athletic Committee commence their investigations of the dangers obvious and definite connected with the conduct of your _jeu de Cricquette_, that they may not alter the constitution and weight of the ball, which I understand is made of lead, and weighs ten pounds and three-quarters, and reduce the size of _les batte-clubs_, themselves instruments to an excessive degree ponderous and grotesque, probably eliminating entirely from the field such dangerously-located officers as "Le Long-stoppe," "Le square-legge," and, above all, "Le wicket-keepere," but this does not affect their action in considering the reformation of the rules for the legitimate and reasonable conduct of the game of "Kicke-ball." No, _mon cher Monsieur_, these they are agreeable to leave as they are, remembering that the ball, formidable though he may be on account of his size, is harmless as a butterfly in the contact, being filled only with air. Moreover they see no reason to change when an "_Onze_" of this New Athletic France can, with the old rules, claim as she does the noble victory of _le deux_ "tries" to nothing, and enables the writer of this letter of correction, with a satisfaction that is keen and infinite, and a pride that is profound and pardonable, to subscribe himself hereunder,

A THREE-QUARTERRE-BACK OF THE RECENTLY VICTORIOUS LYCÉE.

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QUESTION OF PARENTAGE.--Prof. HUXLEY, returning to the charge against Socialism, declares Capital to be "the Mother of Labour". If so, surely "the child was mother of the--woman!"--to adopt WORDSWORTH'S seeming paradox. The first family, when first doomed to Labour, had surely very little Capital.

When ADAM delved and EVE span Where was then the--"Middleman"?

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A City Correspondent sends us this Advertisement from the _Daily Chronicle_:--

The MANAGERS of the STOCK EXCHANGE are about to APPOINT an ASSISTANT SUPERINTENDENT of WAITERS. Applications, accompanied by Testimonials, must be made in writing, on or before the 15th March, to the Secretary, the Stock Exchange, from whom full particulars of the duties and salary can be obtained. Candidates must be under 40 years of age.

He is afraid lest it should have escaped our ROBERT'S eye. Under forty years of age is rather young for a Superintendent, perhaps; but no doubt ROBERT, who, as he says, "is not for any pertikler age, but for all time," would be equal to the occasion.

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OMNIBUSINESS.

(_A Report of a Meeting yet to be held._)

A meeting of the Improved Saloon Palace Coach Combination (Limited), was held at the Offices of the Company on Thursday last, when Lord BURLINGTON ARCADIA (in the absence of the Duke of UTOPIA) was called upon to preside.

The noble Chairman said he was delighted to see so many benevolent-looking shareholders present. He admitted that he felt a little nervous, as no doubt the Board of Directors (of whom he had the honour to be one) had acted to a great extent upon their own responsibility in conducting the business of the Company. Encouraged by the comments of the Press, the Board considered they owed a duty to the Public second only in importance to the duty they owed to the shareholders. Nowadays, great trading communities had no right to act selfishly--they must think not only of those who owned the capital, but also of that vast majority whose comfort it should be their pleasure to enhance.

The paper to which he specially referred suggested that various improvements should be made. All the Saloon Palace cars of the Company, it was proposed, should be repainted in various colours, to facilitate identification; but this would cost money--(_loud cheers_)--and he was happy to say they had money to spend. They had spent it. (_Murmurs._) He was sure that they would be pleased when they learned the manner in which that money had been spent. Instead of being hoarded up to swell the dividend--(_groans._)--it had been absorbed in improvements which would confer great benefits upon the community. (_Uproar._)

A SHAREHOLDER. What have we to do with the community?

The CHAIRMAN explained that as the greater included the lesser, the community must include the Shareholders. ("_No, no!_") He was sorry to hear those sounds of dissent, but what had been done could not be undone. (_Loud and prolonged groaning_). He trusted that he would be treated with courtesy. ("_Hear, hear!_") He had come to the meeting at considerable inconvenience. (_Cheers._) As a matter of fact, he had little stake in the Company, as some time since he had disposed of the vast bulk of his shares. (_Groans._) However, he would continue. As they knew, the vehicles were now fitted with warm bottles in winter and air-cushions in summer. Every passenger had a velvet upholstered arm-chair. Flowers were supplied in great profusion in the interior of the vehicles, and costly shrubs arranged on the platform supporting the cushioned garden-seats of the exterior. As the additional weight to be drawn in consequence of these improvements was considerable, it had been considered advisable to increase the number of horses to each vehicle from two to six. (_Groans._) New routes had been selected--for instance, special services of carriages had been arranged up and down the Belgrave Road, the Mall, Hammersmith, the Upham Park Road, Chiswick, and round Brompton Square. Then he might say----

A SHAREHOLDER. We know all this, but how about the dividend? (_Cheers._)

The CHAIRMAN regretted the interruption. However, as the meeting wished to enter into the subject of finance--(_cheers and cries of_ "We do")--he might say, that no dividend would be declared this half-year, but----

At this point of the proceedings there was a rush for the platform, and, shortly afterwards, the meeting noisily separated.

We are informed, that the inquest upon the bodies of the Chairman and his co-Directors, will be held early next week.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Extracted From the Diary of Toby, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, March 3._--OLD MORALITY, decently dressed in black, stood at table to-night, reading through the space of an hour his discourse on Report of Parnell Commission. A decorous, almost funereal function. J. G. TALBOT enjoyed it thoroughly. "So like being in church on Sunday afternoon," he said. "Wish OLD MORALITY could have seen his way to put on white neck-tie, and brought his notes bound up in black cover."