CHAPTER I.

"An English Summer day; old _Ponto_ has been lying in the shade of the great elm at the Rectory Gate, too lazy to make even a vigorous snap at the flies, who are circling with mazy persistency round his great, good-humoured head. At the sound of wheels coming along the road, he pricks up his ears, and moves aside just in time to avoid being run over by the chaise from the Hall." Then the rattle of teacups, and the merry voices of tennis-players are interrupted by the barking of _Ponto_, and the incident of the tramp, lectured by the Rector, and relieved by LIONEL, the philanthropic Atheist.

"'I love the Human, I resent the Divine!' said LIONEL, carefully shutting his purse.

"'Why, really,' began the Rector, 'I don't know what I have done to incur your resentment.'

"'Pardon me, Sir,' said LIONEL, grimly. 'I am speaking of the Divine with a big _D_.'

"'We never use a big, big _D_,' laughed NETTIE, gaily shaking her curls.

"'Hush!' said MABEL, raising a warning finger at her little rattle-brain."

After this sally you may give two or three pages of discussion, letting the Rector have a good show with some of the Fathers, while NETTIE and LIONEL reconstruct things, human and divine, in the gloaming. You may carry your party to town in the season, and tantalise your frivolous readers by taking them just up to the Duchess's door. "Here LIONEL and Mr. CRUMPETTER left the ladies, as they had some important business in hand, promising to return for them at six o'clock. They had to go to an architect's office in Great George Street, to inspect the plans of the new Laundry, which LIONEL had persuaded the Earl to erect on the waste ground where he had had his memorable conversation with the tinker."

This plan might advantageously be applied to the fashionable, the military, the sporting, and the adventurous novel. Indeed, most writers seem to think that it has been. Meanwhile, nobody need starve while they can turn their scissors to intelligent use. Yours obediently,

THE RETIRED CLIPPER.

* * * * *

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.

JOURNALISTIC REPORTING.

"_Applause in court, which was instantly suppressed_;" _i.e._, Some foolish people made a noise at the wrong moment, and applauded the wrong person.

"_The case excited the greatest interest, and from an early hour in the morning the approaches to the court were thronged by a vast press of individuals, representing a large proportion of the rank, fashion, and intellect of the Metropolis_;" _i.e._, A crowd of loafers and London busy-bodies came to hear an offensive trial.

A LITTLE MUSIC.

"_Well, I just put a song or two in my pocket, on the off-chance, you know_;" _i.e._, "I've half-a-dozen, but he's so jealous he'll take precious good care I shan't sing 'em all."

PRIVATE THEATRICALS.

"_No, my dear old chap, you_ must _play the Baron. You see, anybody, why I myself, can rattle through the Count. Plays itself, don'tcherknow. But the Baron,_ that _wants an Actor. No, no, you must play the Baron_;" _i.e._, "_He_ play the Count, at his age, and with his figure, and cut me out of my favourite part! Put a spoke in _that_ wheel."

"With _a song! Oh, but_ is _my voice good enough to go with Miss Seetop's?_" _i.e._, "Scraggy screamer; she'd spoil SIMS REEVES at his best."

"_What I'm anxious about is the love-scene. You see I'm hardly up to the Romeo role_;" _i.e._, "With _such a Juliet_!"

* * * * *

--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

* * * * *

Transcriber's Note

page 267: 'pudent' (sic) retained ... possibly adjective from noun: pudency, n. Modesty. (f. LL pudentia) (Oxford Dictionary)

or,

from Latin Dictionary: Pudens, pudentis, modest; bashful. Pudenter, modestly, bashfully.

"To pose as SCIPIO, that pudent Roman,"

page. 270: 'millionnaire', the French spelling of 'millionaire', has been retained.

Errata:

page 268: 'Brition' corrected to "Briton". "But the Briton hugs his tankard,"

page 268: 'responbilities' corrected to 'responsibilities' "when the Companies began really to understand their responsibilities"