Part 2

Crowded House in wild excitement. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE consumed in bitterness of spirit. "If we'd divided half an hour ago we should have had majority of 25; a quarter of an hour ago, ten minutes ago, five minutes ago, sixty seconds earlier, we'd have won. But those Irish Shylocks must have their pound of verbosity. Couldn't resist temptation of putting an extra question, even for certainty of defeating Government. When they're once started on subject of shadowing, they go off by the hour."

"Well, never mind," said GORST; "you know it isn't the first time in history that men have sacrificed the substance for the shadow."

_Business done._--The Government's--very nearly.

_Friday._--HOME SECRETARY in the Dock; Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT, Q.C., instructed by Mr. HENRY FOWLER (Messrs. CORSER, FOWLER, & LANGLEY, Wolverhampton), prosecuted. Prisoner, who was accommodated with a seat, conducted his own defence. After long consultation, Jury could not agree, and were discharged without a verdict.

_Business done._--Metropolitan Police Vote agreed to.

* * * * *

THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.

_Monday._--_Carmen._ ZELIE is the accepted _Carmen_ this season--no better; and MAGGIE MACINTYRE as _Michaela_, which, being an awkward name to pronounce, might be abbreviated to _Mickie_. DAN DRADY the Dramatic, excellent as _Escamillo_. One singer in a season plays many parts, and one part is played by several singers. How would a theatre succeed conducted on this plan, so that the same play should be produced on certain nights with a different cast? Here is DAN DRADY, for example; he plays _Escamillo_, tragi-comedy, one night; another time he is the noble _San Bris_ in _Les Huguenots_; another, he is _Figaro_ the loquacious _Barber of Seville_; another, he is the devil-may-care gallant _Don Giovanni_; and, though best in serious parts, he is good in all of them. On other occasions, when _Carmen_ is given, the cast will be changed; some other singer will represent _Escamillo_, or someone will replace MAGGIE as _Mickie_; RAVELLI the Reliable will have been _Don Jose_ once, and then MONTARIOL or YBOS (why Boss? Can't yet make this out), or even JEAN DE RESZKE may represent the nincompoop soldier. Suppose _A Pair of Spectacles_, with a change of cast, Mr. HARE out of it occasionally, and Mr. ... Ah! there's the difficulty, Mr. Who, taking his part. Imagine _Faust_ without IRVING as _Mephistopheles_. What a big Company it would require! No; better leave well alone.

_Tuesday._--_Faust._ Always a safe draw. Same cast as before. Worth noting, that GOUNOD has given _Wagner_ very little to do in this Opera, and that little not of his best. Evidently GOUNOD does not possess a strong sense of humour, or he wouldn't have lost such a chance as this. In the Kermesse Scene _Wagner_ should have commenced one of his own Wagnerian strains, in the Wagnerian style, and been immediately stopped by the student's applause.

_Wednesday._--_Le Nozze di Figaro._ Always charming. Should like to see examination paper on the plot of _Le Nozze_, questions to be answered without any reference to book.

1. Give succinct and clear account of the plot.

2. What connection with plot have _Figaro's_ father and mother?

3. What social position among the Count's guests are the ladies of the ballet supposed to hold?

4. Having stated this, account for their costumes.

5. Why does Mlle. PALLADINO, the chief dancing guest, take no sort of notice of _Il Conte_ and _La Contessa_? Are they not on speaking terms? If not, why not?

6. Why is _Don Bartolo_ always made up and costumed as a superior Pantaloon?

Delighted again to see ELLA RUSSELL as _Susanna_. To think that only the other evening she was the graceful and stately _Queen Marguerite_ in _Les Huguenots_, and now she is a _soubrette tres piquante_. There are other pages in Madame SCALCHI'S history--the page in _the Huguenots_, for example, and his twin brother in _Lucrezia Borgia_--which like me more than her _Cherubino_. Vocally DAN DRADY the Dramatic is all right; but he is too severe for _Figaro_ the barber. Good house considering it is Ascot week, and on this night when such sad rumours are in the air, everyone sincerely delighted at seeing the Marchioness of LORNE in the Royal Box.

_Thursday._--_Cup Day_, Ascot. _Romeo et Juliette._ Most appropriate: _Juliette_ takes the Cup.

_Friday, Don Giovanni_; and _Saturday, Lucia_. This deponent sings, "Not there, not there, my child!" "Eye hath not seen,"--I mean, "_I_ have not seen" these two on these two particular occasions; but I believe that, in consequence of my absence, the Opera went on as usual, and DRURIOLANUS did not have to come before the Curtain and make an apology.

* * * * *

IN THE KNOW.

(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._)

THE crass and pernicious dulness of some people exceeds belief. There exists at the office of this paper a _person_--he is absolutely unworthy of any other designation--who presumed last week to abstain from inserting in these columns the article to which the sporting millions of his fellow countrymen were looking for information with reference to the Ascot doings. I have no doubt whatever that _he himself used the hints_ which that article contained, for I have since seen him in a brand-new hat and a gold watch-chain, the result of his ill-gotten gains. For my own sake I am forced to explain this sinister business, lest the preposterous suet-headed Mr. J. should triumph, and my readers should suppose for a moment that I would willingly disappoint them. I have kept a copy of what I wrote, and I here transcribe some of it in self-defence.

"With regard to the Royal Hunt Cup," I observed, "only a bat-eyed bargee, with the brains of a molluscous monkey, could fail to see the merits of _Morion_. _Morion_, it is well known, is an open helmet, but it doesn't follow from that that the Hunt Cup is an open event. Far from it. Visor, or no visor, those who elect to stand on _Morion_, need anticipate no trouble from anything else, for _Morion_ is as certain to win the race as Mr. J. is to make a green-gooseberry fool of himself before another week is out." There was accuracy. No silly beating about the bush, but a straightforward piece of information, which not even the great band of boozy Bedlamites and buffoons who dance attendance on Mr. J. could have mistaken. But, as I said, no blame attaches to me in the matter.

Now then with regard to the Gold Cup. I said: "In the Gold Cup the old adage holds, _Medio tutissimus ibis_. The Ibis, I may mention, though he was an Egyptian bird, cannot be termed a flyer. However, take the three words _The Gold Cup_, select the middle word, open your mouth, bung up the eyes of anyone who impedes you, and wire to your Commissioner." The middle word was "Gold," and _Gold_, of course, won the Cup that was of, _or_ belonging to him. Ask Prince SOLTYKOFF if am right or wrong. And for the rest, if any fuddling, bolus-brained, bran-faced, turnip-tongued, hippopotamus-headed moon-calf doubts my word, let him remember that there are pistols for two--_and coffee for one_, in Belgium, and let him tremble.

* * * * *

THE WAY WE SHALL LIVE SOON.

(_From the Diary of the Automatically Conducted._)

7 A.M.--Turned out of automatically constructed bed and deposited on the floor. Am picked up and hurled into an automatic dressing, washing, and shaving chair, after which, being dressed by self-acting machinery, descend by switchback lift to dining-room, where I am fed by an "automatic private breakfast supplier" while listening to last night's speeches in the House, and the latest gossip, furnished by one of the "_Phonographic Association's Parliamentary and Social Scandal Machines_."

10 A.M.--Take automatic horse exercise, and am thrown twice, being picked up each time automatically by a self-registering and revolving automatic policeman.

NOON.--Attend the marriage of a favourite niece, assisting at the subsequent social entertainment which is supplied to the assembled guests on the platform of a West-End terminus from one of the "Twopenny Wedding Breakfast Company's Automatic Machines," the Bridegroom at the same time presenting the Bridesmaids with a handsome Penny Piece of Jewellery from a similar source.

4 P.M.--Hair cut automatically, but, owing to some want of nice adjustment in the machinery, having managed to get ears clipped smartly at the same time, put penny into slot and consult an automatic pillar-post. Eventually get my head (and my hat too, by mistake) strapped up by patent automatic binder in the ward of an automatically conducted Hospital.

8 P.M.--Dine automatically with automatic halfpenny appetite, listening to Phonographic Italian Opera at one of Metropolitan District Underground Stations.

10 P.M.--Dragged up-stairs mechanically by switch-back lift, and have my boots pulled off by machinery, being automatically flung into a hot bath, turned out, scrubbed, lifted out, dried by a revolving towel, and eventually thrown into bed and tucked up, and finally sent to sleep by Phonograph repeating good things said by funny man at previous day's evening-party.

* * * * *

THE MONRO DOCTRINE (_not to be adopted by Sir Edward Bradford_). That the control of the legislative proposals of the Government should be "a question of police."

* * * * *

* * * * *

"GIVEN AWAY WITH A POUND OF TEA!"

_A Song of (Imperial) Shop._

OH, nice little, plump little German boy, Approaching the Counter of B. & Co., You never, most probably, hoped to enjoy In the way of business--a way _you_ know-- An opportunity half so good For doing a smart little stroke of trade. BULL'S Shopman, you see, is in generous mood, As "wonderful bargains" his wares are arrayed, And treasures,--no wonder you jump with glee! Are "Given away with a Pound of Tea!"

_Do ut des!_ That's the motto, of course, _The_ motto of Shop in the Fatherland; It was laid down by OTTO with lucid force, And CAPRIVI its bearings doth understand. But the man at the Counter of JOHN BULL'S Stores, The drift of the doctrine seems hardly to grasp; So his Teuton customer collars and scores. He's stolid and 'cute, or he'd stare and gasp To see the possessions of Mr. JOHN B. "Given away with a Pound of Tea!"

Pays for 'em? Humph! With a Zanzibar cheque; Like a "Bank of Elegance" counterfeit note, Or a draft on oneself; worth a penny a peck. Such paper as this on the market to float! Giving you what is yours, or at least is not _his_, In exchange for whatever he happens to want, Is what slangy Sportsmen call "very good biz," For _him_, though for you, BULL, it looks like a "plant," Have you any more goods, BULL, you'd like to see "Given away with a Pound of Tea?"

Kilima Njara, no doubt, was a boon, To the innocent butterfly-hunting boy. (Who sups with the--Teuton, should have a long spoon, For his appetite's eager and dainties don't cloy.) The Hinterland comes in most handy, no doubt, And then that nice bonus of Heligoland! Ah, truly, the Teuton knows what he's about. But Shopman SALISBURY, why should he stand And advertise goods of his master J. B. As "Given away with a Pound of Tea?"

What's the next article? Pray, do not shrink From "giving a name to it," small German boy; The Shopman so smiles, one might verily think That "parting's" _not_ "sorrow," but what he'll enjoy. "Surrender," and "Scuttle," and all the bad terms Once hurled at "the Shirkers" to roost now return. Where _is_ the last Jingo? One fancies he squirms And invokes ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. Could he Jingos spurn, Do worse--the old Shopman, false W.G.-- Than cry, "Given away with a Pound of Tea?"

Though a bargain's a bargain, and not a bad stroke When a little good-nature secures a firm friend, Reciprocity all on one side's a poor joke, And a bargain that's bad is a bargain to mend. That German is not yet gone out of the shop, Recall him a moment--to look at that cheque! It may not be one that a banker would stop, But is it "Good Value"? This rede you may reck, Mr. Shopman, _sans_ shame. 'Tis pure fiddle-dedee To give _too_ much away with your Pound of Tea!

* * * * *

HARROW OR HANVER?

FROM an all-too-brief correspondence in the _P. M. G._, we learn that Mr. JOHN ADDINGTON SYMONDS is very angry with Mr. FRANK HARRIS for a statement appearing in a _Fortnightly Review_ article of his, that he "went to Hanver at the age of thirteen." Mr. SYMONDS explains that it was to Harrow that he went at that period of his life, and that he has never been to Hanver at all--which, no doubt, is a matter of great importance to mankind in general. He complains, moreover, that his essay is "villanously ill-edited." Surely this is what _Polonius_ would call "an ill-phrase," and suggests a doubt whether Mr. SYMONDS cultivated much at Harrow those "ingenuous arts," the study of which "softens the manners and does not permit them to be brutal." Perhaps it is not even now too late for him to pick them up. He might try Hanver.

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE LADIES' YEAR.

[_Miss Margaret Alford (of Girton) Niece of scholarly Dean Alford, is announced in one of the four "Senior Classes" at Cambridge._]

"A DREAM of Fair Women"--who shine in the Schools, The Muse should essay ere her ardour quite cools. Come, bards, take your lyres and most carefully tune 'em, For Girton in glory now pairs off with Newnham. Miss FAWCETT the latter with victory wreathed, And now, ere the males from their marvel are breathed, Miss MARGARET ALFORD, the niece of the Dean, As a Classical First for the former is seen. Let Girton toast Newnham, and Newnham pledge Girton, And--let male competitors put a brisk "spurt" on, Lest when modern Minerva adds learning to grace, Young Apollo should find himself out of the race!

* * * * *

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

"_The Gentle Art of making Enemies, as pleasantly exemplified in many instances," &c., &c._ (for full title see the book itself) is, whatever "_Messieurs les Ennemis_" may think of it, a work of rare humour. Of course you must first of all be interested in King JAMES and his subjects,--his principal subject being himself, (and lucky the man who can _command himself_)--and you must wish to know the story of his rights and wrongs; then this interest and desire being taken for granted, the book of the butterfly is a thing of beauty and a joy for now and ever. The heads are epigrammatic and the tails sprightly, and both eminently characteristic, for the heads tell their own tales, and the tails in tadpolian scheme are the outcome of the heads. Most of the waggery is in these tailpieces, which, one and all of them, represent the real Whistlerian spirit, "the Familiar" of ETCHER JAMES, that is the Demoniacal Butterfly "in various aspics," as Mrs. MALAPROP might say. Does the Butterfly's Master address "_Messieurs les Ennemis_," the Familiar Spirit is all politeness, with head down and wings outstretched saluting before coming to "on guard." Does Master "rid himself of the friendship of the many?"--the little Demon shakes a reef out of his tail and flies upwards, to return after a short flight of fancy. On occasions when Master has been reflecting comically and satirically on some of his attackers, or on his detractors, the volatile Imp literally shakes his sides with uncontrollable laughter, and can't stand upright for very mirth. The famous "Ten o'clock" which has been immortalised by _Mr. Punch_ as the "Ten-and-sixpenny o'clock," in consequence of the tickets being half-a-guinea apiece, is here reprinted. PROSPERO WHISTLER packs up his bag of tricks, buries his wand, makes his bow with a little speech at a testimonial dinner given to him by his friends, and the Familiar Demon Butterfly, free at last, darts into space, leaves "Finis" below,--then, you turn over the page, all is blank,--Magician and Familiar have vanished!

DAVID STOTT, not of Oldham, but of Oxford Street, publishes dainty little pocket volumes, and here is one yclept _Essays or Counsels of Francis Bacon_. "Put it in the bag!" says the Baron, "and let it be my travelling companion, so that, whenever I want refreshment I may feed on BACON, that many-sided philosopher." It is a wonderfully handy volume, tastefully and substantially bound, and its type of the very clearest. Much-occupied men, who can only snatch here a moment and there a moment for reading, ought to be grateful to the inventors and the publishers of all handy books, meaning, says the Baron, books which are really handy, and which, without destroying the natural elegance of your figure or the set of your garments, you can carry comfortably and imperceptibly in your tail coat pocket.

_Notes from the News._ By JAMES PAYN. (CHATTO AND WINDUS.) Notes on passing events of all sorts, spiced with capital stories, which will indeed be a big capital to be drawn upon by the dining-out _raconteur_,--the only thing against his present success being that most persons will have read these stories in _The Illustrated London News_ or in this volume. It is a book for the weary work-all-day man to dip into, and to come out of it again refreshed. When in doubt as to what light reading to take up, the Baron advises, "Take PAYN'S."

BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.

P.S.--My faithful "Co." has been revelling in the Summer Holiday Number of _All The Year Round_, which consists of a complete story entitled, _A Mist of Error_, by MARY ANGELA DICKENS. The authoress is the granddaughter of the great novelist, and the daughter of his son, the most popular of editors, and the best of good fellows. My "Co." reports, that the novelette is full of promise, and is a proof that literary genius is hereditary. Interesting from the first page to the last, _A Mist of Error_, in spite of its title, is never suggestive of a fog. My faithful "Co." is also delighted with _Men of the Time Birthday Book_, compiled by Mr. J. F. BOYES, F.S.A.--a charming little Volume that everyone will be proud to possess. He prophesies that it will be one of the most popular of Birthday Books, and congratulates its compiler on the production of a work of distinct historical value.

* * * * *

A GREAT GUNN.

[GUNN, the great Notts' Batsman, playing for the Players of England against the Australians at Lords, on June 19 and 20, made 228 runs, the highest individual score ever made in this country against the Australians.]

SUCH calm, graceful batting, of funk as defiant, As proof against flurry, deserved the crowd's roar. 'Twas Cricket, indeed, when the Nottingham Giant, Against the best batting, piled up that huge score; And the crowd as they watched him smite, play, block, or run, Could grasp the full meaning of "Sure as a GUNN!"

* * * * *

ROBERT AT THE LEATHERSELLERS'.

WE had been so preshus busy at "the Grand Hotel" lately, that I hadn't seen werry much of my deer old Citty, but larst week I was arsked for to go and offishyate there at the jolly Leathersellers Company's Grand Dinner, as they was about to have a very distangy Party including one of our most sellybrated Hartist's, who's that poplar that ewerybody calls him 'ARRY instead of 'ENERY, as must in course have been the name as his godmothers and godfathers gav him when he was quite young and had his fust taste of a cold Bath, and most probberbly didn't like it.

So I went accordingly, and a werry scrumpshus Bankwet they had, includin them trewly Royal luxeries '80 Shampane and '47 Port! Ah! what a thing it must be to be a Royal or a Nobel persson, and to live on all the Fat of the Land, and wash it all down with nothink yunger than '80 shampain and '47 Port! And no matter where you gos, or weather it's to lay down a Fust Stone, or to Hopen a Hexibishun, or to take a Chair at a nobel Charity Dinner, there it is all reddy for you, and a hole crowd of Peeple a watching you a eating and a drinking of 'em, and a thanking you artily for taking the trubble of doing so! Ah! I sumtimes werrily beleeves as that my nateral tastes tells me as I was horiginally hintended for sum such useful life myself!

Well, arter the Bankwet of course we had all the reglar gushing speeches, and werry bewtifool but rather lengthy they was, but presently a sumthink appened as more estonished me praps than anythink as has appened to me for some time past.

The hartistick and poplar Gent as ewerybody calls ARRY FURNACE was called upon to return thanks for Hart, when to my intense estonishment, and ewerybody else's emusement, he acshally said as how as his frend "ROBERT," seeing how garstly pale he turned when he was told wot he wood have to do, had writ down for him 6 lines of most bewtifool Poetry, which he at wunce proceeded to recite, and sat down amid enthusiastick cheers and shouts of larfter! Seeing my look of puzzled surprise, he kindly turned round to me and said, "Look here, ROBERT, as I've rather taken a libberty with your honnerd name, I'll repay you by taking another with your well-known features," and borrowing a bewtifool pencil of me, that I had bort the day before for a penny, he acshally sketched three likenesses of me in his Book of the Songs, and giving it to me, said, with his merry laugh. "There, I hope that will console you for my bit of harmless fun;" and from what I was offered for my three sketches when I showed 'em about, after he was gone, I thinks, that upon the whole, I got a werry good share of the larf on my own side of the mouth.

ROBERT.

* * * * *

* * * * *

AN IDEAL INTERVIEWER.

SCENE--_Den of latest Lion._

_Latest Lion (perusing card with no visible signs of gratification.)_ Confound it! don't remember telling the Editor of _Park Lane_ I'd let myself be interviewed. Suppose I must have, though. (_Aloud to_ Servant, _who is waiting_.) You can show the Gentleman up.

_Servant (returning)._ Mr. WALSINGHAM JERMYN!

[_A youthful Gentleman is shown in; he wears a pink-striped shirt-front, an enormous button-hole, and a woolly frock-coat, and is altogether most expensively and fashionably attired, which, however, does not prevent him from appearing somewhat out of countenance after taking a seat._

_The L. L. (encouragingly)._ I presume, Mr. JERMYN, you're here to ask me some questions about the future of the British East African Company, and the duty of the Government in the matter?