Part 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOLUME 98, JUNE 28TH 1890

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_

MODERN TYPES.

(_By Mr. Punch's own Type Writer._)

NO. XIV.--THE LADY FROM CLOUDLAND.

AT intervals of a few years the torpor of London Society is stirred by the carefully disseminated intelligence that a new planet has begun to twinkle in the firmament of fashion, and the telescopes of all those who are in search of novelty are immediately directed to the spot. Partially dropping metaphor, it may be stated that a hitherto unknown lady emerges, like the planet, from a cloud under which, as the envious afterwards declare, the greater part of her previous existence has been spent. But Society, under the influence of boredom, is tolerant of new sensations and of those who seek to provide them. Those who guard its portals are, in these latter days, bidden not to be over-curious in the inquiries they make of applicants for admission, and eventually it may come to pass that the approaches and avenues are opened as readily to one who comes trailing clouds of obscurity, as to her who shines with the steady lustre of acknowledged position.

The Lady from Cloudland soars into the ken of fashion in various places. Very often she is found for the first time in the little mock temple which pious worshippers at the shrine of rank build for themselves on the Riviera. They have their ceremonial closely copied from the London model. They dance, they receive, they organise bazaars. They launch out into tea-parties, and grow warm over the discussion of scandals. They elect unto themselves leaders, and bow their foreheads to the dust before the golden splendour of an occasional scion of Royalty; in short, they cling as closely as foreign skies and foreign associations permit to the observances which have made English Society pre-eminent in its own respect, and in the good-natured ridicule of less-favoured nations. But since the majority of them have come in search of health, they cannot despise or reject one who qualifies for consideration and interest by suffering, and who, to the piquancy of an unknown origin, adds the high recommendation of good looks--which are not too good--of a cheerful temper, and an easy tact, which can only come of much knowledge of many worlds. Such a one is the Lady from Cloudland. Many are the questions asked about her, and even more various are the answers given. "My dear," one lady will say to another, at the house of a common friend, where the Lady from Cloudland has become the centre of a throng of admirers, "I hear, on the very best authority, that her mother used to sell flowers in the City, and that she herself was for some years a Circus Rider in America. Whenever I meet her I feel a dreadful inclination to say _Houp-la!_, instead of, How do you do?" To which her friend will reply that she, on her side, has been informed that the lady in question was formerly attached to the conjugal tribe of an Indian Rajah, and was rescued by a Russian, whom she shortly afterwards poisoned. They will then both invite her to their next entertainments, asking her by no means to forget those delightful Burmese love-ditties which only she can sing as they ought to be sung.

The Lady from Cloudland, however, does not limit her ambition to the hybrid Society of the South of France. She intends to make for herself a position in London, the Mecca of the aspirant, and she proposes to use those who thus console themselves with spitefulness as stepping-stones for the attainment of her object. At the beginning of the following London Season Society will learn, by means of the usual paragraphs, that "Mrs. So-and-So, whose afternoon party last year in honour of Prince ---- was one of the most brilliant successes of a brilliant Riviera Season, has taken the house in May Fair, formerly occupied by Lord CLANRACKET." The reiteration of this news in many journals will set tongues wagging in London. Again the same questions will be asked, and different answers will be returned. In due course she arrives, she receives and is received, and she conquers. Henceforward her parties become one of the features of the Season. In rooms arranged tastefully in an Oriental style, with curtains, hangings, delicately worked embroideries, woven mats of charming design and tropical plants, she welcomes the throng who come at her invitation. She moves by degrees. Contenting herself at first with a small _charge d'affaires_ or a Corean plenipotentiary, she soon rises to a fully fledged Ambassador and a bevy of secretaries and _attaches_. Her triumph culminates when she secures a deposed monarch and his consort. She is clever, and knows well that those whom she seeks to entice will overlook their own ignorance with regard to her if only they can be certain of being amused and interested in her house. She, therefore, contrives, without transgressing the higher _convenances_, to banish all ceremonial stiffness from her parties, and to import in its place an atmosphere of cheerful gaiety and musical refinement. For, whatever she may have once been, there can be no doubt that when London makes her acquaintance she possesses, not only charming manners, but innumerable accomplishments which are as salt to the jaded palate of Society people. Thus she progresses from season to season, and from success to success.

In her second year she becomes a favoured guest in many country houses, where an effort is made to relieve the tedium of daily shooting parties by nightly frivolities. Soon afterwards she is presented at Court, and becomes herself a patroness to many foreigners who desire by the exercise of their talents to make a precarious living in England. By these she is considered to be one of the suns from which the great world draws its light and warmth. In her third Season she is sufficiently secure to introduce into Society her daughter, aged eighteen, who has hitherto (so she will inform her friends) been receiving a good education abroad. Accompanied by "my little girl," she may be seen, on fine afternoons, reclining in her spick and span Victoria, in the midst of the crowd in the Ladies' Mile. She is thus hedged round with a respectability which not even indiscreet inquiries after her late husband (for it is understood that he died and left her in comfort many years before) can disturb. She permits herself occasionally, it is true, to join _chic_ parties at fashionable restaurants, but these, since they are often under titled patronage, can scarcely be considered serious lapses from propriety. After having herself presented her daughter at Court, and having given (in London) a party which was attended by Royalty, she is beyond the reach of cavil or reproach. Here and there a jealous and disappointed social rival may still mutter dark hints about ancient vagaries, and meaning looks may still be exchanged by male and female gossips, but for the great mass of those who frequent Society she is as irreproachable as though her ancestry for twenty generations had been set down in the pages of _Burke_ or _Debrett_. Eventually she marries her daughter to the younger son of an Earl, and having made of the marriage festivities _the_ great social function of the Season, she herself soon afterwards retires to some extent from the business of Society, and devotes herself chiefly to the cultivation of simple pleasures and hot-house flowers in a luxurious retreat on the banks of the Thames.

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.

SOCIAL.

"_Haven't missed a word you said_;" _i.e._, "Gracious! where was she?"

"_Not exactly pretty, perhaps, but so nice_;" _i.e._, "As pappy in character as she is plain in face."

RAILROAD AMENITIES.

"_No, thanks; reading in a railway carriage always tries my poor eyes so_;" _i.e._, "I've better occupation for them just now."

"_Pardon my drawing the blind; the glare in a railway carriage always makes my head ache_;" _i.e._, "Shows up my wrinkles and moustache-dye."

THEATRICAL.

"_She is an intelligent and experienced artist_;" _i.e._, Much too old for the part.

EFFUSIVE FLATTERY.

"_Thank you so much for your dear little Book of Poems. I haven't read them yet, but next time we meet I'll tell you what I think of them_;" _i.e._, "I hereby make a solemn resolution, if I can possibly help it, never to meet you again in this life."

PERFUNCTORY APOLOGY.

"_I hope I didn't hurt you. I'm sure I beg your pardon_;" _i.e._, "Stupid fool! Serves you right for sticking out your feet, and tripping up everybody who happens to stumble on to them."

* * * * *

* * * * *

DIANA AT DINNER.

[On the first page of the prospectus of the recently-established "Dorothy" Restaurant it is stated that it is for "Ladies only." On the last page will be found the following modification:--"At the request of many of the Lady customers, it has been decided to open the Restaurant from 6.30 P.M. to 10 P.M. to both Ladies and Gentlemen."]

THERE was started in London, I mustn't say where, And, beyond saying lately, I mustn't say when, A sweet Restaurant, where the sex that is fair Might attend undisturbed by the presence of men.

"We are forced to endure you in Park and in Row, We must bear you unwilling in hansom or 'bus; But if any stray _here_, they shall meet with a No,-- So attempt not the haunt that is sacred to Us.

"Be warned, O intruder, nor venture to lag When the nymphs of Diana the huntress draw nigh. Fly, fly from their presence as fleet as a stag. Lest you meet with the fate of Actaeon, and die."

Thus the Ladies addressed us; the tables were set, The silver was polished, the viands displayed. And, like doves in a dove-cote, the customers met, In a plumage of silks and of muslins arrayed.

"This is sweet!" said AMANDA. "Delightful!" said JANE. While the rest in a chorus of "Charming!" combined. And, declaring they cared not if dishes were plain, So the men remained absent, they solemnly dined.

And they toyed with their _entrees_, and sipped their Clicquot, And their smiles were as sweet as the wine that they drank. But at last came a whisper--"Oh dear, this is slow!" "Hush, hush!" said the others. "How dreadfully frank!

"Not slow; but there's something--I scarcely know what, An absence, a dulness I cannot define. It may be the soup, which was not very hot, Or the roast, or the waiting, the ice, or the wine.

"But I'm sure there's a something." And so they agreed, And they formed a Committee to talk of the case. And a programme was issued for all men to read, Bidding men (on page one) to abstain from the place.

But, since it is harder to ban than to bless, "For their own sakes," they said, "we will humour the men." If you turn to the last page, you'll find this P.S.:-- "Men allowed, by desire, from 6.30 to 10."

* * * * *

TRUE NOSTALGIA.

* * * * *

WEEK BY WEEK.

IN the course of last week it was universally remarked that the _beau monde_ betook itself by the usual methods of conveyance to Ascot. A very smartly-appointed coach, horsed entirely by blue-black hippogriffs, attracted much attention. The lunches were of more than ordinary magnificence, and it was calculated that, during the week, no less than 5,624,907 bottles of champagne were consumed. The pigeon-pies were, as usual, composed mostly of beef.

* * * * *

One charming toilette was the cynosure of neighbouring eyes in the Enclosure. It was constructed of four gold _galons_, tastefully distributed on a blue silk ground intended to represent the Lake of Geneva. This was fringed with _passementerie_ of the most ancient design, and picked out with minute red spots arranged in geometrical figures. The bonnet was composed of a single scrap of antique lace folded over a threepenny bit.

* * * * *

H.R.H. the Grand Duke of KATZENJAMMER, who is making a stay of several weeks in the Metropolis, in order that he may study free institutions on the spot, has been, we are informed, busily engaged in writing and answering letters during the past three days.

* * * * *

An interesting story, of which His Royal Highness is the hero, is going the round of the Clubs. It appears that on his arrival at the hotel in which he has established himself with his suite, the Grand Duke, whose absence of mind is well known, forgot to remunerate the cabman who had driven him. This individual, however, with the rudeness which is still, we regret to say, characteristic of the lower orders of our fellow countrymen, made repeated applications for his money, and eventually threatened to call in a policeman or to take out a summons. On this becoming known to the Grand Duke, he at once gave orders that the cabman should be ushered into his presence, and, after presenting him with a paper gulden, invested him then and there with the order of the Golden Ball, at the same time exclaiming that honesty and perseverance in humble life were always worthy of commendation. The cabman is said to have been much moved. In these democratic days, such instances of princely condescension are not without value.

* * * * *

We are requested by the Earl of C-V-NTR-Y to state that he is sick to death of the whole business, and has eliminated the word "enclosure" from every dictionary he has been able to lay his hands on. He had intended at first to admit nobody, but was overruled, and he cannot, therefore, hold himself responsible for the presence of various people who seemed to think that they ought to be treated like unseasonable strawberries, first forced, then exhibited, and then swallowed.

* * * * *

An amusing incident is reported from the remote frontier village of Pusterwitz in Moldavia. A cobbler who had manufactured the boots of the Burgomaster ventured to submit his bill for payment. The populace, infuriated by this insult to their beloved Magistrate, after binding the offender in calf at the local publishing office, proceeded to slice him into small pieces with their _schneide-messers_ (the native knife), to the immense delight of a crowd of peasants from the surrounding districts. The Burgomaster was much touched by this proof of popular devotion.

* * * * *

GOING TOO FAST.--M. ALEXANDRE JACQUES, who is announced as "a rival to SUCCI," is at this moment dispensing with food at the Royal Aquarium. He intends carrying out this self-denying programme for two days beyond a couple of score--possibly as a proof of his fortitude or (as a Cockney would pronounce the word) "forty-two'd." The last time this talented person dispensed with sustenance, was in Edinburgh, when he did not partake of any meal in the Douglas Hotel for thirty days--a feat, one would think, that must have been more interesting to the Medical Profession than the proprietor of the hostelry. However, as M. JACQUES fought for his country in 1870-71, he should be a most pleasant guest for the next six weeks or so to dinner-givers with a taste for economy.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, June 16._--"This is something like old times," said TIM HEALY, briskly rubbing his hands. "Poor JOSEPH GILLIS! pity he didn't live to see this night."

Very like old times, indeed. Seventy questions on the paper, increased fourfold by others put arising out of the answer. Practice is for Irish Members to put question; Prince ARTHUR reads answer from manuscript supplied from Irish Office; then uprise in succession half-a-dozen other Irish Members, each asking fresh question. Prince ARTHUR with one leg crossed over other and hand to chin sits looking and listening; presently when there is lull, lounges up to table and makes answer. FERGUSSON looks on in wonder. "What would become of me," he said, "supposing after I had read out my cut-and-dried answer, half-a-dozen fellows sprang on my back, and with fists in my face demanded reply to quite new question. I'm afraid I'd be lost."

That exceedingly probable. FERGUSSON'S floundering when momentarily adrift from sheet-anchor of his written reply decidedly painful. Prince ARTHUR saunters up to very mouth of guns of battery opened on him from Irish camp; looks straight down them; fires his shot; and saunters back; often a nasty shot, too; plumps in middle of camp and sets them all a roaring. This takes place every night. To-night lasted an hour. Once threatened repetition of scenes of decade after '74. Would have so happened but for tact and presence of mind of SPEAKER; cool and collected amid the clash of arms and roar of constant cannonading. JOHN DILLON standing with folded arms and flashing eyes, "Like NAPOLEON when he couldn't cross the Alps," said NICHOLAS WOOD, looking on from a safe distance.

The SPEAKER also on his feet with stern cry of "Order! Order!" Long JOHN O'CONNOR sitting on Bench below, darting straight up and down, with swift regular movement, for all the world like the piston of a steam-engine. Ministerialists bellowing in continuous roar at JOHN DILLON, still on his feet; uprises JOHN O'CONNOR with intent to offer observation; roar redoubled; reaches demoniac proportions; JOHN O'CONNOR plops down again; noise partially subsides; suddenly the piston discovered bolt upright; another roar; down it goes; all the while the SPEAKER crying aloud for "Order!" and JOHN DILLON standing with fiercer frown and arms more tightly folded.

"What was it NAPOLEON said when he couldn't cross the Alps?" NICHOLAS whispered, tremulously. "'If the Alps won't come to MAHOMET, MAHOMET must go to the Alps.' No, I don't think it was quite that; but was something to that effect; and I'm sure something will happen if DILLON doesn't sit down."

Just when matters reaching crisis, DILLON gave way; the piston on the bench below simultaneously ceased its action; and the SPEAKER, in quiet, grave tones, that had immediately soothing effect, suggested that, if any more information was required, it should be sought in the usual way, by Questions placed on the Paper. JOHNSTON o' Ballykilbeg, who had overheard GILL incidentally allude to Prince ARTHUR as prone to untruth, wanted the SPEAKER to take notice of irregularity. But SPEAKER judiciously deaf. As for JOHN O'CONNOR, glad of a little rest.

"All I wanted, TOBY," he explained, "was to hurl the word 'Crime' in BALFOUR'S teeth."

"Exactly," I said; "nothing more natural or desirable. But you should tone down the tendency towards the steam-engine-piston action, for which, I do not deny, you possess some natural advantages."

_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill.

_Tuesday._--"What's this I hear about Heligoland?" says NICHOLAS WOOD. Hardly knew him; so changed. A dull, heavy look faded over his usually mobile countenance; his svelte figure puffed out, and bent. "Only fortnight ago, SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE proposed to give up Heligoland; barter it for a case of German Sausages, says he. FERGUSSON very properly angry; me and other good Tories protested against this new Separatist policy. Couldn't find Heligoland on the map."

"Ha!" I say, "but Germany has found it, and taken it, and the MARKISS is willin'."

"Very odd," says NICHOLAS; "can't make it out; like a thing out of a play; never go to a play, you know, but understand this sort of thing is somehow done: first you see it, then you don't; Heligoland British territory; to be sacrificed only with last drop of blood; Radical Separatists rapped on knuckles for suggesting handing over; then we wake up, and find it's been handed over, and by the MARKISS! Tell you what it is, TOBY, think I shall cut this business; not brought up to politics; find them a little weakening."

OLD MORALITY announced programme for remainder of Session. In bulk something exceeding ordinary programme when brought in in February. Now it is the so-called June; every prospect of sitting till October; House groans and growls; terrible charges flying round; WINTERBOTHAM darkly accuses Cabinet Minister of keeping a public-house. HICKS-BEACH admits soft impeachment, but pleads it's "only a little one, brings me in only L20 a-year rent." "Miserable!" says NEWNES, who owns _Tit Bits_.

General feeling of sympathy with BEACH. WINTERBOTHAM apologises; if he'd known it was only L20 wouldn't have said anything. OLD MORALITY, in his kind way, presses BEACH'S hand; has troubles of his own to bear; but a man who owns a public-house and draws only L20 a-year from it, takes precedence in sympathy.

Over stern conflict and cantankerous sitting, PLUNKET sheds beam of genial humour. TIM HEALY asks if there could not be lift arranged to Ladies' Gallery. "Too expensive," says PLUNKET. "Too dear, he means," murmurs HOWORTH, who runs DICK TEMPLE close in his devotion to the Ladies. "Why," objects GEORGE CAMPBELL, whose eye nothing escapes, "there is already a lift for coal. Why not substitute Ladies for coal?"

"You see," said PLUNKET, smilingly, "we cannot do either without coal or without Ladies, and it is difficult to combine them in a lift."

GEORGE CAMPBELL not sure. When he has time to withdraw his thoughts from Central Asia, will look into the matter.

_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill. Ministerial majority reduced to 29.

_Thursday._--"I really can't do it," said MACLURE. "Oh, you must," said CHAPLIN; "hard work, I know, but put on a spurt and there you are."

"Wish I _was_ there," said MACLURE, mopping his forehead. "All very well for slim young thing like you; but seventeen stun isn't the form for a short spin, especially with these confounded steps." Scene--passage by Cloak-room into House of Commons; time 5.19 P.M.; bell ringing furiously; Division imminent; PENROSE FITZGERALD with jacket shorter than ever, trousers turned up with a grace that maddens with envy. BOBBY SPENCER and LEWISHAM, on watch at top of staircase.

"Come along!" he shouts; "dividing on First Clause of Compensation Bill; SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE sprung a mine on us; got all their men here; ours down at Ascot; wouldn't be you for a quarter's salary, CHAPLIN. Hurry up! hurry up! Put your best leg forward, MACLURE!"

"That's all very well," said MACLURE, testily; "but which _is_ my best leg?"

The two heavy-weights pounded gallantly along; been to Ascot; thought they'd be back in plenty of time for Division; and here's Division-bell at its last shake. HARTINGTON come up with them; striding ahead; wins easily; CHAPLIN reaches door of House just as it is closing; with tremendous effort, MACLURE pulls himself together; throws himself on doorway; nothing could stand rush like that; door bursts open; MACLURE and Compensation Bill saved. A very close shave. When Division taken, 228 vote for Government, 224 against; majority Four--the four who raced up the staircase hot from Ascot.