Part 3

_The Cockney Groom._ 'Ere's a little bit o' fashion coming down next--why, there's quite a boy on his back.

_The S. S._ 'E won't be on 'im long if he don't look out. Cup an' ball _I_ call it!

_The Morbid Man._ I suppose there's always a accident o' some sort before they've finished.

_First Woman._ Oh, don't, for goodness sake, talk like that--I'm sure _I_ don't want to see nothing 'appen.

_Second Woman._ Well, you may make your mind easy--for you won't see nothing here; you _would_ have it this was the best place to come to!

_First Woman._ I only said there was no sense in paying extra for the balcony, when you can go in the area for nothing.

_Second Woman (snorting)._ Area, indeed! It might be a good deal airier than what it is, I'm sure--I shall melt if I stay here much longer.

_The Morbid Man._ There's one thing about being so close to the jump as this--if the 'orse jumps sideways--as 'osses will do every now and then--he'll be right in among us before we know where we are, and then there'll be a pretty how-de-do!

_Second Woman (to her Friend)._ Oh, come away, do--it's bad enough to see nothing, let alone having a great 'orse coming down atop of us, and me coming out in my best bonnet, too--come away!

[_They leave._

_The Descriptive Man._ Now they're going to make 'em do some in-and-out jumping, see? they're putting the fences close together--that'll puzzle some of them--ah, he's over both of 'em; very clean that one jumps! Over again! He's got to do it all twice, you see.

_The Judge of Horseflesh._ Temperate horse, that chestnut.

_The Severe Critic._ Is he, though?--but I suppose they _have_ to be here, eh? Not allowed champagne or whiskey or anything before they go in--like they are on a racecourse?

_The J. of H._ No, they insist on every horse taking the pledge before they'll enter him.

_The Descriptive Man._ Each of 'em's had a turn at the in-and-out jump now. What's coming next? Oh, the five-barred gate--they're going over that now, and the stone wall--see them putting the bricks on top? That's to _raise_ it.

_The Morbid Man._ None of 'em been off yet; but (_hopefully_) there'll be a nasty fall or two over this business--there's been many a neck broke over a lower gate than that.

_A Competitor clears the gate easily, holding the reins casually in his right hand._

_The J. of H._ That man can ride.

_The Severe Critic._ Pretty well--not what I call _business_, though--going over a gate with one hand, like that.

_The J. of H._ Didn't know you were such an authority.

_The S. C. (modestly)._ Oh, I can tell when a fellow has a good seat. I used to ride a good deal at one time. Don't get the chance much now--worse luck!

_The J. of H._ Well, I can give you a chance, as it happens. (Severe Critic _accepts with enthusiasm, and the inward reflection that the chance is much less likely to come off than he is himself_.) You wait till the show is over, and they let the horses in for exercise. I know a man who's got a cob here--regular little devil to go--bucks a bit at times--but you won't mind that. I'll take you round to the stall, and get my friend to let you try him on the tan. How will that do you, eh?

_The Severe Critic (almost speechless with gratitude)._ Oh--er--it would do me right enough--capital! That is--it would, if I hadn't an appointment, and had my riding things on, and wasn't feeling rather out of sorts, and hadn't promised to go home and take my wife in the Park, and it's her birthday, too, and, then, I've long made it a rule never to mount a strange horse, and--er--so you understand how it is, don't you?

_The J. of H._ Quite, my dear fellow. (_As, for that matter, he has done from the first._)

_The Cockney Groom (alluding to a man who is riding at the gate)._ 'Ere's a rough 'un this bloke's on! (_Horse rises at gate; his rider shouts, "Hoo, over!" and the gate falls amidst general derision._) Over? Ah, I should just think it was over!

_The Saturnine Stableman (as horseman passes)._ Yer needn't ha' "Hoo"'d for that much!

[_The Small Boy, precariously perched on an immense animal, follows; his horse, becoming unmanageable, declines the gate, and leaps the hurdle at the side._

_The S. S._ Ah, you're a _artful_ lad, you are--thought you'd take it where it was easiest, eh?--you'll 'ev to goo back and try agen, you will.

_Chorus of Sympathetic Bystanders._ Take him at it again, boy; you're all right!... Hold him in tighter, my lad.... Let out your reins a bit! Lor, they didn't ought to let a boy like that ride.... He ain't no more 'old on that big 'orse than if he was a fly on him!... Keep his 'ed straighter next time.... Enough to try a boy's nerve! &c., &c.

[_The Boy takes the horse back, and eventually clears the gate amidst immense and well-deserved applause._

_The Morbid Man (disappointed)._ Well, I fully expected to see 'im took off on a shutter.

_The Descriptive Man._ It's the water-jump next--see; that's it in the middle; there's the water, underneath the hedge; they'll have to clear the 'ole of that--or else fall in and get a wetting. They've taken all the horses round to the other entrance--they'll come in from that side directly.

[_One of the Judges holds up his stick as a signal; wild shouts of "Hoy-hoy! Whorr-oosh!" from within, as a Competitor dashes out and clears hedge and ditch by a foot or two. Deafening applause. A second horseman rides at it, and lands--if the word is allowable--neatly in the water. Roars of laughter as he scrambles out._

_The Morbid Man._ Call that a brook! It ain't a couple of inches deep--it's more mud than water! No fear (_he means, "no hope"_) of any on 'em getting a ducking over that!

[_And so it turns out; the horses take the jump with more or less success, but without a single saddle being vacated. The Judges award a red and blue rosette to the riders of the best and second horses respectively, and the proceedings terminate for the afternoon amidst demonstrations of hearty satisfaction from all but_ The Morbid Man, _who had expected there would have been "more to see._"

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--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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Transcriber's Note:

Sundry missing or damaged punctuation has been repaired.

Page 289: The caron ^ denotes a following superscript: "formula: x ([Greek: pi] + y^{n^th}) = y + x - [Greek: pi]/x".

Page 291: 'Matinee' corrected to 'Matinee': "Miss Blank will make her first appearance in Juliet at a Matinee".

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