Part 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOLUME 98, JUNE 21ST 1890

_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_

"PLACE AUX DAMES!"

[Following the brilliant success of Miss FAWCETT at Cambridge, Mlle. BELCESCO, a Roumanian lady, took her degree to-day as _Docteur en Droit_. Like Miss FAWCETT, she obtained the highest place at the examination for the Licentiate's Degree, and her success was not less brilliant at the examination for the Doctor's Degree.--_"Daily News" Paris Correspondent._]

* * * * *

To Seniora FAWCETT, The Wranglers yield first place; And now, first of the Law set, One of another race, Beauty, Brunette, Roumanian, From man takes top Degree! In learning's race Melanion Is beaten, one can see, By the new Atalanta; At Law School or Sorbonne, As at our native Granta, The girls the prize have won. Bravo, brunette BELCESCO! Some limner ought to draw A quasi-classic fresco, O Lady of the Law! O Mathematic Maiden! And show the pretty pair With Learning's trophies laden And manhood in a scare. Ah, _Portia_ of Paris! _Urania_ of the Cam! _Punch_, whose especial care is To sever truth from sham, Is no great Woman's-Rightist, But _this_ is not clap-trap; Of pundits the politest, To you he lifts his cap! _Docteur en Droit_, _Punch_ watches Miss FAWCETT by the Cam; To you she quick despatches A friendly telegram. He, friend of all the Nations, Of Woman as of Man, Adds _his_ "felicitations." Well done, Roumanian!!!

* * * * *

WEEK BY WEEK.

The prevalence of wet weather has had a painful effect on the aspect of the metropolitan streets. We do not refer so much to their having been universally inundated with rain, but rather to the absence from them of those pretty dresses in which it is customary for ladies to disport themselves during sunny weather. For instance, it was calculated the other day by a well-known wrangler, that if the tangential surface of a Bond Street pavement be represented by the formula: x([Greek: pi] + y^{n^th}) = y + x - [Greek: pi]/x, the decrease in the number of pedestrians appearing on a wet day may be set down as 18426-1/52.

* * * * *

A Correspondent calls our attention to the prevalence of green on the various trees of the Metropolis. "This phenomenon," he observes, "is noticeable in May and early June every year. Some trees are greener than others, whilst others scarcely come up to the standard of leafy verdure displayed by their fellows. Taking the trees in the Park and arranging them in the inverse ratio of their distances at rectangular intervals from the common centre of their growth, it will be found that the surface area of a Plane-tree is equal to exactly five hundred times the cubic capacity of a gooseberry bush, measured from a point on its inner circumference."

* * * * *

Miss ROBINSON, Mrs. TOUCHE-ARMING, and Lady CORDELIA CROSSBIT, were photographed yesterday. We hear that excellent likenesses of these brilliant ornaments of the Upper Ten have been secured.

* * * * *

The wonderful tameness and docility of the three African lions now going through their daily performance at the French Exhibition at Earl's Court, have astonished no less than pleased all who have witnessed them, but it is not generally known, that their obedient condition is due to their diet. This has for some time consisted of a well-known infant's and invalid's food, washed down with copious draughts of a widely advertised patent medicine that claims to act as "a special brain and nerve tonic," and it is this last that it is said is responsible for the quenching of the natural ferocity and utter prostration of spirit which enables their talented trainer, together with the watchful attentions of a highly intelligent boar-hound, to put them through a series of playful and innocent tricks, hitherto associated rather with the entertaining efforts of the skilled and educated guinea-pig than with the masterly ferocity of the monarch of the desert. [Oh yes! We're not going to allow an advertisement to be sneaked in like this. But as we required a paragraph to fill up space, here it is, with name and address of Infant's Food provider omitted! Aha!--ED.]

* * * * *

A WHITE SLAVE.

[Miss HARKER took service as a day governess in a family at Stockton, at a salary of 25_s._ a month, coupled with the privilege of dining in the house. She found herself under the necessity of taking a lodging, the rent for which more than absorbed her modest stipend. She taught three children English and music. Afterwards a couple of infants were placed in her charge. Nor was this all, for when the servants left, the new governess had "to cook the dinner, wash the dishes, and clean the knives." After this she asked for a holiday, the result being that "she was shown the door." Thereupon she brought an action in the County Court for a month's salary in lieu of notice. Judgment for plantiff with costs, payable forthwith.--_Daily News, June 12._]

Poor Miss HARKER went to Stockton, to Stockton on the Tees, But not to make her fortune, or to loll at home at ease; She went to be a governess, and hoped, it would appear, To board and lodge and dress herself on L15 a-year.

A lady once informed us how a lady can be dressed As a lady all for L15, and in her very best; But she never would have ventured to include in her account The lodgings and the breakfasts too for this immense amount.

Now life may be a river, as Pactolus was of old, Which brings you lots of water to a minimum of gold, But sometimes it were better, when the water sinks so low That it fails to turn your mill-wheel, if the river ceased to flow.

So all day long with urchins three Miss HARKER toiled in chains, And she poured the oil of learning well upon their rusty brains, And she practised them in music, and she polished up their sense With the adverbs and the adjectives, and verbs in mood and tense.

And they said, "She's doing nicely, we will give her something more (Not of money, but of labour) ere we show her to the door, Why, we've got two baby children, it is really only fair That Miss HARKER should look after them, and wash and dress the pair.

"And, Miss HARKER, it will save us such a lot of trouble too, If, when our servants leave us, they can leave their work to you. So you'll please to cook our dinner, let your motto be _Ich Dien_, (No, no, you needn't thank us) and you'll keep our dishes clean.

"And, of course, you'll do it daily--what was that you dared to say? You would like to rest a week or so, and want a holiday? Who ever heard such nonsense? Well, there's one thing we can show, Not politeness, but the door to you--Miss H. you'd better go."

So she went, but brought her action, and I'm thankful to relate That when the case was argued she hadn't long to wait. "Costs and judgment for the plaintiff, the defendants' case is fudge, Pay her monthly wage, she's earned it and deserves it," said the Judge.

There be Englishmen in England, sleek men, and women too, Who tie their purse-strings tighter than tradition's grasping Jew. What care they for fellow-feeling, who for profit try to lure Fellow creatures to their grindstone for the faces of the poor?

And they set some wretched slave to work her fingers to the bone, Then sullenly deny her bread, or give at best a stone; And after she has grubbed and scrubbed, they insolently sneer At one who dares to ask for rest on L15 a-year. * * * * *

* * * * *

"ASK A P'LICEMAN!"

MR. M-TTH-WS _sings_:--

The Police Force are a noble lot, They clear our streets and squares; To Demonstrators give it hot, And banish civic scares. But there's one thing I wish to know; Why do the public grin When one Commissioner will go, And t'other won't stop in?

_Chorus._

Why _did_ MONRO resign? Ask a P'liceman! Was it any fault of mine? Ask a P'liceman! Every member of the Force Backs the popular Boss--of course! If you want to know the truth, Ask a P'liceman!

I'm very sure I'm always right, And yet it's vastly queer, My Secretary's aid they slight, My Pension-projects jeer. My Superannuation plan Won't wash--at Scotland Yard. They seem against me to a man. It's really very hard.

_Chorus._

If you'd know why WARREN went, Ask a P'liceman! Or why MONRO'S not content, Ask a P'liceman! Isn't it enough to vex The most genial of Home-Secs.? If you want an answer--plump, Ask a P'liceman!

I'm getting quite unpopular; I can't imagine why. If in the Force itself there's war, 'Gainst _me_ there'll be a cry. Fancy our Constables on strike For Eight Hours, and the rest! The prospect's one I do not like. P'licemen, _don't_ be a pest!

_Chorus (in which_ Mr. M-T-TH-WS _does not join_.)

If you want to know the facts, Ask a P'liceman! About M-TTH-WS and his acts, Ask a P'liceman! If you wish the truth to know About popular MONRO, And who _next_ ought to resign, Ask a P'liceman!!!

* * * * *

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.

SOCIAL.

"_You'll come again soon?_" _i.e._, "Thank goodness, he's going abroad!"

"_Always make time to see you_;" _i.e._, "Strict orders to servants, 'Not at home.'"

THEATRICAL.

"_Miss Blank will make her first appearance in Juliet at a Matinee_;" _i.e._, That some theatrical coach sees his way to making a little additional profit out of a wealthy and ambitious pupil.

"_Why don't you look in?--house crammed every night, but always room for you_;" _i.e._, Last attempt to place a free admission when the theatre is empty, and the vouchers have been refused at the poster-displaying tobacconists.

* * * * *

BACK TO BACKS.

The Cambridge Week, delightful. Beautiful weather till I left, and after me--the deluge! Fair faces everywhere, and O those beautiful "Backs"! As the poet sang--

"Ye Backs and Braes!"

Why lug in "Braes"? Fronts may be, and have been, false, but never these "Backs." They never looked lovelier than at the commencement of last week,--fine weather, warm, a gentle breeze. Lucky Cantabs, to have such an idyllic idling place, where you can moon, spoon, stroll, study, work or play, and, if in your boat, smoke, for the pernicious weed is forbidden in the well-kept gardens, though it may be indulged in on the water, beneath whose surface another pernicious weed can be seen luxuriating.

Once more I visit the A. D. C., and witness a capital performance of a burlesque, _Der Freischuetz_, founded on one of H. J. BYRON'S, and written up to date by a precious STONE. Burlesque is not dead! Very far from it. The "Sacred Lamp" is not even flickering, but burning with undiminished brilliancy. For a time learned Thebans essayed to extinguish it with High Comedy and even Shakspearian Drama. But the A. D. C. was meant for recreation, and no Undergraduate saw any amusement in either performing or witnessing High Comedy or an historical Drama by WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE. Relaxation for the pale student was needed, so dancing and singing, and jokes, topical hits, and comic business, drew big houses, and amused both players and audiences. The classical Puritanical rebellion was over, and the Merry Monarch, King Burlesque, was restored to his throne, merrier than ever. A crowded house, and I am informed crowdeder and crowdeder every night.

The burlesque is a good one, as the story of _Der Freischuetz_ is closely parodied, and it is not a mere variety show. And the actors are as much in earnest as the other actors were in earnest, terrible earnest, just thirty-five years ago, for the date over the proscenium reminds me that the A. D. C. was founded in 1855. There are some old original members down here, and they regard some old original photographs of themselves when they were all boys together in this A. D. C. The photographs are of beardless youths, all very much in earnest. The middle-aged, grey-bearded men are contemplating their former selves with an air of surprise. "Dear me! and those were us!" they exclaim, in Academical English. They see themselves as others saw them then, and they are secretly disappointed, though they soon recover their serenity, and with pride to think their lineaments have been preserved and handed down from generation to generation, they bring up their wives and daughters to look at the pictures, and to listen to their "tales of a grandfather."

Alas! the photographs are fading, and soon, but for the extant history of the A. D. C., dedicated to its Honorary President, H.R.H., the Prince of WALES, its origin would be lost in the obscurity of the dark ages (before they were the grey ages), or be so confused and intermingled with myth as to render any account of its early days untrustworthy.

And what a crowd, driving, walking, riding, to see the boat-races! Quite a little Water Derby Day. So much talk about "bumps," that a stranger would think he had come to hear an open-air lecture on phrenology.

One more lounge in the "Backs," and then to London and work, while happy Undergrads commence their Long Vacation, and make holiday in the sunshine of life. But roam where you will, never will you find any spot to equal these Backs. _O Fortunati Cantabiles!_ _Backs vobiscum!_

As a barrister I love a refresher, and this flying visit has, indeed, been a refresher to one who drinks to Trin. Coll. Cam. and the A. D. C. in a bumper of '75 Margaux, and is able, after that, to sign himself, academically and Lincolnsinnically, the

MARQUIS DE TERMES.

PS.--Wouldn't this Claretian name of "Marquis DE TERMES" be a good title for the Markiss of SALISBURY, that "master of flouts and gibes"?

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, June 9._--Last time I saw OLD MORALITY was in the lovely estuary of the Dart. He had just cut away from Parliament, called together his seamen bold, and steamed out Westward in the _Pandora_. When we on the _Hiawatha_ woke up on Sunday morning, there was the _Pandora_ lying alongside, with OLD MORALITY in pea-jacket, straw hat, telescope under his arm, and sea-boots above his knees, though there was not a ripple on face of water that mirrored the old castle at the point, the church, the trees, and the green hills. Nevertheless, there he was, pacing the mizzen-deck, every now and then bringing his telescope to his weather eye, on the look out for Irish Members or SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE lurking in underwood. We ran up at our foretopmost peak, all taut by a couple of bowlines, the signal, "England expects that W. H. SMITH this day will do his duty." There was a soft gleam in OLD MORALITY'S starboard eye when he recognised the signal, and he brought the telescope to the salute.

"Very kind of you, TOBY; very thoughtful of your Commodore. You know, nothing is nearer to my heart than the desire to do my duty--duty to my QUEEN and Country; at the same time, of course as far as is compatible with the supreme incentive, desiring to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in all parts of the House."

Haven't seen OLD MORALITY since, till he turned up to-night, Been seedy, everybody sorry to hear; judiciously added a week to his regular holiday. When he entered House this afternoon, good rattling cheer went up, testifying to his popularity.

"Yes," said WILFRID LAWSON, dropping into poetry--

"Ex-First-Lord from over the sea! Celt, Home-Ruler, whatever we be, "We all like OLD MORALI-TEE."

Irish Land Purchase Bill first Order of day, but JOHN DILLON moves Adjournment, to discuss goings on of Police in Tipperary. PRINCE ARTHUR, amidst constant interruptions, makes angry reply. His speech introduces variation on old Constitutional principle.

"The Police," he says in effect, "can do no wrong--at least, in Ireland."

Mr. G. joins in demands for Parliamentary inquiry. WILLIAM O'BRIEN, almost hoarse with rage, fulminates against PRINCE ARTHUR and all his works. But though apparently seethed in passion, does not lose presence of mind.

"I know," he shouted, "every Dissentient Liberal in this House," (here his copy of the Orders, which he had fashioned in rough shape resembling police baton, and flourished in dangerous fashion, came down with enormous thud on crown of hat of TOM SUTHERLAND, who happened to be sitting just beneath him) "--and that's one," O'BRIEN continued.

"Surely," I said to him afterwards, "you didn't mean to call attention to the Chairman of the P. and O. in that fashion?"

"Not a bit of it. I was going to say, 'I know every Dissentient Liberal in this House will support the Government in the Division Lobby;' but when in the middle of the sentence I found I'd come down on SUTHERLAND'S hat, I thought it would make less fuss if I turned the remark in the way I left it."

Ingenious this; but SUTHERLAND says, he understands now why many of the Irish Members are accustomed to wear low-crowned hats during Parliamentary Debate. Comes a little expensive to sit about listening with a silk hat on.

_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill in Committee.

_Tuesday._--GRANDOLPH'S seat empty. Not been here since House resumed after Whitsun holidays. Looked for to-night. Has first place on Orders with Instruction on going into Committee on Compensation Bill. SPEAKER been going about with a besom brushing away Instructions. Only GRANDOLPH'S stands, a monument to his adroitness and ingenuity. Opposition looking forward to pleasant evening. If GRANDOLPH makes rattling speech in support of his Instruction, it will make things disagreeable for the Ministry. Moment comes, but GRANDOLPH lingers. Cousin CURZON gets up, announces that GRANDOLPH has heard that Government intend to oppose the Instruction. That being so, he does not think it expedient, in interests of public business, to persevere with it. So will stay in Paris, look through the Luxembourg, loiter in the Louvre, lunch in the Eiffel Tower, and otherwise innocently wile the hours away.

"No," said Cousin CURZON, when I observed that this was not like the GRANDOLPH of old times; "he is much altered; as meek as he was once aggressive. Shudders at the thought of causing a moment's inconvenience to a Government of which GEORGIE HAMILTON is an ornament; quite surprised to learn that Government would oppose Amendment, the carrying of which would be equivalent to defeat of their measure. When he heard of it at once decided to drop his Instruction."

_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill.

_Wednesday._--House sitting; Members talking; Bills advanced by stages; but thoughts of Members concentrated on secret OLD MORALITY carries in his placid bosom. What proposals are Government going to make for arrangement of public business? Are they going to drop three Bills, or two, or one, or carry all three? If so, how is it to be done? by Autumn Session? by peremptory Closure? or by new device of carrying over measures into succeeding Session? Over a cup of five-o'clock, taken in his private room, I frankly put these questions to OLD MORALITY. No use beating about the bush when you are with old friends.

"TOBY," he says, as I light another cigarette, and settle myself to hear the disclosure, "recent morphological inquiry has a curious bearing on this point. Biologists have lately been busy discussing the meaning of a certain organ, to which, in the present stage of its development, it appears impossible to assign any utilitarian value. The case I allude to is the electric organ in the tail of the skate, on which Professor COSSAR EWART read a paper before the Royal Society. You will find a full report of it in _Phil. Trans._, Vol. LXXIX. Other aquatic animals which possess such organs use them to advantage as electric batteries against their foes. They feel impelled to do so, by what I may perhaps distantly allude to as a sense of duty to their QUEEN and Country. But the electric organ of the skate, though a most complicated mechanism, a structure as elaborate as any in the animal kingdom, appears to be of no benefit whatever to its possessor. This is a very curious thing. I can hardly sleep of nights thinking about it. Can you suggest any explanation? Excuse me, there's the division-bell. Perhaps you'll draw me up a little memorandum giving me your views on the subject."

Very curious indeed. I hadn't mentioned the skate; don't quite see how he slided into the subject. Shall take another opportunity of ascertaining OLD MORALITY'S views and intentions with respect to Government plan for arranging business.

_Business done._--As to electric organ in the tail of the skate.

_Thursday._--A pretty kettle-of-fish. Electric organ of skate seems to have touched up Government; confusion at Carlton to-day. The MARKISS met his merry men; proposed that Bills not completed by Prorogation should be carried over to next Session and taken up at stage reached this year. Loud outcry in Conservative ranks; proposal denounced as revolutionary; wouldn't have it on any terms; meeting broke up without passing any resolution; OLD MORALITY due at House at half-past three to give notice of Resolutions on Procedure.

"Where are they?" Mr. G. asks, beaming across the table.

"Resolutions?" says OLD MORALITY; "bless you, Sir, I have none to move."

Grim silence on Ministerial Benches. Jubilation in Opposition camp. OLD MORALITY plied with questions from all sides; forlornly shakes his head. Can't say anything now. Can't say when he will be able to say something. Perhaps on Monday; perhaps some other day. Baited for half an hour, and then mercifully allowed to escape.

"The tail seems, after all, to have been wagging the skate," I said, humorously; really sorry to find him so low-spirited. Didn't seem to see the point of joke, and usually so apt at badinage. A curious state of affairs; perhaps a memorable day.

_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill.

_Friday._--"Lo! a strange thing has happened." (W. BLACK.) Yesterday Conservatives in open revolt; Ministry seemed tottering; Opposition jubilant. To-day things righted themselves; the rebels say it was only their fun; Dissentient Liberals throw arms round neck of MARKISS; protest they would never desert him; Opposition depressed; Ministers elate.

"The head seems to have got the better of the complicated mechanism in the rear of the skate," I say to OLD MORALITY, a little timidly, remembering failure of yesterday's flash of humour. Quick comes the beaming smile. "You're a funny dog, TOBY," says OLD MORALITY, looking ten years younger than yesterday.