Part 3

WITH reference to the several cases of "Masquerading" that have recently been mentioned in the columns of a contemporary, I wish to add a remarkable experience of our own firm, that, if it does not completely clear the matter up, may at least serve to throw a little light upon the subject. Last Friday afternoon a middle-aged man of unmistakable City build dashed wildly into our establishment, and desired to be supplied with "the largest pantomime head" with which we could furnish him. This we fortunately had in stock in the shape of a large green and phosphorescent faced representation of the "Demon of Despair," which was rendered additionally attractive through being supplied with a "trick eye," which worked with a string.

It was evidently of the greatest importance to him that the head should be natural and becoming, and by the close and satisfied scrutiny he gave it, and the great care with which he fitted it on, the one with which we supplied him evidently fully answered his requirements. His manner was certainly strange, for though he refused to give his address, he took several flying leaps across the shop, turning a double back somersault as he cleared the counter, and finally asked me whether I thought him sufficiently disguised to avoid recognition in his own immediate circle?

I told him candidly that I thought his large head, being peculiar, might possibly draw upon him notice that otherwise he would fail to arouse, and I added, "You see, it is not as if there were a dozen of you."

"True," he replied; "you're quite right. There ought to be a dozen of us. Look out the heads. I will go and fetch 'em." And he dashed out of my establishment, followed by a small crowd. In about two hours and a half, however, he returned, accompanied by twelve other middle-aged City men, and in almost as short a time as it takes me to tell it, I had fitted them all with large pantomime heads.

He paid the bill and left the shop. I watched them all get on to a King's Cross and Brompton Omnibus, and that was the last I saw of them. There is nothing very remarkable in the occurrence, as we are in the habit of making up disguises, sometimes as many as 500 in an afternoon on the shortest notice. Still I could not help wondering upon what business my eccentric friend was bent. A Divorce Case? Possibly a Murder? Who knows? Perhaps somebody may have met the bevy down West, and can throw some light upon the subject. Meantime, dear _Mr. Punch_, I beg to subscribe myself,

Yours respectfully, A SLY FOX BUT A CAUTIOUS COSTUMIER.

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"SHORT NOTICE."--Those who did not hear Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH'S entertainment at St. James's Hall last Saturday week lost a very great treat. There must have been thousands in London at the moment who suffered this deprivation. Our Special Noticer was among the number. Let us hope GEE-GEE will do it again, and all shall be forgiven.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday, June 2._--Heligoland is safe, but there were some anxious moments. GEORGE CAMPBELL led attack. House reassembled after Whitsun recess. Not many present. OLD MORALITY still sporting in the country, toying with Amaryllis in the shade, or with tangles of Neaera's hair. (That's how the Member for Sark puts it, but admits that it's only poetry.) Mr. G. away too, also GRANDOLPH and HARTINGTON. JOKIM in charge of Government ship; evidently in mildest mood; didn't once pounce, though sorely tempted by all-pervadingness of CAMPBELL. That eminent Statesman only began with Heligoland; steamed later into the Pacific Seas, and moved reduction of salary of Deputy Commissioner of the Western Pacific. Wants Heligoland given up.

"Certainly not," said NICHOLAS WOOD; "must take firm stand with these Separatists. Not quite sure in what part of Ireland Heligoland is situated. Sounds like Munster; must look it up on map. Meanwhile shall support BALFOUR."

Whilst NICHOLAS off in library, vainly looking over map of Ireland, SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE backs up CAMPBELL. Knows Heligoland intimately. Seems to have passed best period of useful life there. Members quite prepared to hear that there it was the famous letter from Foreign Office found him when, by way of reproof of niggardliness of Department, he was obeying instructions that transferred him from Dresden to Constantinople by journeying on foot. Taking Heligoland _en route_, he found it a mere sandbank, an accumulation of molecules, whose existence was justified only by the opportunity of furnishing a scion of the British aristocracy with an annual salary as Governor. "Hand it over to Germany, in exchange, if you please, for few pounds of sausages; but get rid of it."

NICHOLAS, coming back after vain search for Heligoland on map of Ireland, lustily shouts, "No!" "No use arguing with these fellows, TOBY," he says; "we must Put Them Down. Case seems a little mixed; don't quite follow argument. Rather wonder ARTHUR BALFOUR isn't in his place to explain it; at same time, haven't slightest doubt it's another Mitchelstown affair--another Middle Tipperary muddle. I shall watch to see which Lobby our Whips are filling, and march straight into it."

Thus Heligoland was saved, NICHOLAS and 149 others voting against CAMPBELL, who led into the Lobby only 27 patriots. After this, that man of war, JAMES STUART ALLANSON TUDOR PICTON, came to the front, and led Opposition in matter relating to Sierra Leone. GEORGE CAMPBELL made several speeches on this topic, and when Amendment negatived, came up quite fresh with his story of the Pacific Seas, where it seems there have been excursions, followed by alarums, all converging on urgent necessity of reducing the salary of the Deputy Commissioner of the Western Pacific by L200. This also negatived after couple of hours' discussion. Then GEORGE, stepping lightly from Western Pacific to the Cape, moved to reduce salary of High Commissioner of South Africa by L1000.

"A regular peripatetic seven-leagued-boot mowing-machine," said JACKSON, gazing dreamily on mobile features of Member for Kircaldy. Business done.--In Committee of Supply.

_Tuesday._--Question is, shall House adjourn over to-morrow, being Derby Day, or shall it forbear? ELCHO says, "Yes." WILFRID LAWSON says, "No." House, upon consideration, agrees with ELCHO, though by significantly small majority. For holiday, 160; against, 133. COGHILL, who had vainly protested against adjournment, says majority not so wide as a church door, but 'twill serve. It's the writing on the wall, and the Derby holiday in the Commons doomed. COGHILL serious young man; likes things to be doomed; encouraged by the prospect, becomes dangerously festive.

Member who moves Adjournment over Derby Day expected to be funny. PAM, who, when he was Minister, always did it, established fashion. Been followed in later days by DICK POWER, and other eminent sportsmen. ELCHO displayed paternal failing for undue length, but just managed to stop in time, not spoiling success of speech that greatly pleased House. Curious to note points of personal resemblance between the new Lord ELCHO and the old. Son, doubtless designedly, delivered his speech from corner-seat on front Bench below Gangway, whence, in days of yore, the father used to hold forth, almost literally buttonholing House of Commons; holding on to it in much same way as _Ancient Mariner_ delayed the hungry wedding guest.

"Happy," says the Member for Sark, "is the Legislature that can spare an ELCHO for either Chamber! Favoured the generation that succeeds to such an inheritance! With WEMYSS in the Lords, and ELCHO in the Commons, there is still hope for my country!"

Talk about Police Regulation for Procession on Saturday to demonstrate against Compensation Bill. Citizen PICKERSGILL moved adjournment of House in order to discuss matter. CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM seized opportunity to run amuck at his revered Leaders on Front Opposition Bench. Accused them of sitting there like stuffed figures at Madame Tussaud's. "Why stuffed?" JOHN MOBLEY asked, but CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM not to be interrupted in flush of eloquence. When once started went at them hammer and tongs; only a few battered figures recognisable on Front Bench when he had finished.

"Fact is, TOBY," he said, "BRADLAUGH'S got his eye on that Bench. Means to sit there some day. Want him to know that even that sanctuary shall not preserve him from my wrath. Just getting my hand in. He'll be sorry he ever ventured to bite his thumb at me." _Business done._--Education Vote in Committee.

_Thursday._--Lord CHUNNEL-TANNEL moves Second Reading of his Bill. A very inoffensive measure, he says; not proposed to sanction creation of Tunnel under the sea. Oh, dear no! Nothing of that kind. All that is wanted is that the Company shall be permitted to keep their machinery oiled, bore for coal, and fill up spare time by fishing for whitebait with line. Could there be any harm in that? CHUNNEL-TANNEL asked, with hand outstretched with deprecating gesture towards Treasury Bench, on which the long length of HICKS BEACH was coiled.

Mr. G. backed up his noble friend; ridiculed idea of danger to England from creation of Tunnel. If anybody had need for apprehension, it was France--a fine, subtly patriotic idea, which did not meet with that measure of applause on Conservative Benches that might have been expected. Fact is, Conservatives don't like this newly established friendliness between Mr. G. and CHUNNEL-TANNEL. Noble Lord not so certain to respond to crack of Ministerial Whip as was his wont before he yielded to the spell. Stout Ministerialists thinking more of CHUNNEL-TANNEL'S attitude on Irish Question than of probability of French invasion by proposed Tunnel; so they lustily cheer HICKS-BEACH when he denounces scheme. Cry, "Oh! oh!" when CHUNNEL-TANNEL makes crafty appeal for support of Irish Members, and go out in body to stop up the Tunnel.

J. S. FORBES watches scene from Strangers' Gallery. Lost in admiration of CHUNNEL-TANNEL'S meek mood.

"Why, TOBY," he said, in his perturbation brushing his new curly-brimmed hat the wrong way, "he looks as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. His low voice, his deferential manner, his pained surprise at suggestion of wanting to do anything else but catch those whitebait with a line, take one's breath away. A wonderful man CHUNNEL-TANNEL, but dangerous on this tack. Known him and fought him man and boy for twenty years; fear him most when in melting mood." _Business done._--Discussing Tithes Bill.

_Friday._--Met HART DYKE walking about Corridor with contemplative air. Debate on Education Vote going forward in House. "How is it you aren't on Treasury Bench?" I asked.

"Can't stand any more of it, TOBY. My hair positively beginning to frizzle under heat of blushes. Never suspected myself of being such Heavenborn Education Minister. But they all say it--MUNDELLA, PLAYFAIR, LUBBOCK, and even SAM SMITH. CRANBORNE and TALBOT not quite so sure; but on other side one chorus of approval. Bore it pretty well for hour or so; but at end of that time grows embarrassing. Just came out for little walk; look in again presently."

On Report of Supply, GEORGE CAMPBELL strolled in from the Pacific; proposed to call attention to mission of Sir LINTON SIMMONS to the POPE. No Vote connected therewith happens to be in Estimates; so SPEAKER ruled him out of Order.

"Oh, very well," said GEORGE; "that's out of order is it? Well, let me see, there's Japan;" and he talked for thirty-five minutes about Japan.

_Business done._--Education Vote agreed to.

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THE SCHOOL BOARD BEFORE THE END OF THE CENTURY.

(_A Prophecy of the Near Future._)

THE children had left the school, and the pianos were closed for the night. The Senior Wranglers who had been conducting the lessons were divesting themselves of their academical robes, and preparing to quit the premises to return to their palatial homes, the outcome of a portion of their princely salaries. In couples they disappeared until only one was left--he was older than his colleagues, and consequently slower in his movements. As he was about to summon his carriage a wild-looking individual suddenly appeared before him, and, sinking in a chair, appealed to him with a gesture that, fraught with weakness, was yet defiant.

"What do you want with me, my good man?" asked the Senior Wrangler, who had a kindly nature.

"What have you done with my sons?" gasped the visitor.

"No doubt, if they were intended for crossing-sweepers, we have instructed them in the rudiments of classical dancing, and if you purposed bringing them up as errand-boys, it is highly probable that we have taught them how to play upon the harpsichord."

"That's how it is!" cried the other. "They _have_ been taught how to play on the harpsichord; and, as the instrument is obsolete, I ask you, Sir, how are they to get their living?"

"That is no affair of mine, my good fellow," returned the Senior Wrangler, dryly. "It is my duty to teach the child, and not to answer the questions of the parent."

"And the rates are doubled!" cried the Board Scholar's father, wringing his hands in despair, "and I am ruined!" The Senior Wrangler was growing impatient. He had to dine at the Club, and go to the Opera. "Well, what do you want with me?" he asked.

"Employment!" cried the other, in an agony of woe. "Give me employment. I have been ruined by the rates; let the rates support me--give me employment!"

The Senior Wrangler considered for a moment; then he spoke--

"Do you think, my friend, that you could look after our highest class?" The man shook his head.

"I am afraid not, Sir. My education was neglected. Beyond reading, writing, and arithmetic, I know next to nothing."

"That will not be an objection," returned the Senior Wrangler, as he put a gardenia in his button-hole. "Our highest class is composed of our oldest pupils, and as they all suffer from over-pressure, your duties will be simply those of an attendant in an asylum for the care of the imbecile!" And the Ruined Ratepayer was entirely satisfied.

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--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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Transcriber's Note:

Page 281: MAGGIE MCINTYRE, _Wednesday_ becomes MAGGIE MACINTYRE on _Thursday._

Both have been retained, as the transcriber does not know which is correct, or if the two were interchangeable.

Page 287: 'posesssion' corrected to 'possession': "In calm possession of some upper floor".

In this etext a carat denotes a superscript follows.