Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 January 11, 1890
Chapter 3
_Second Groom (waiting at Tea for the nonce, and handing thin Bread-and-butter--sotto voce_).
"CLAP TWO OR THREE BITS TOGETHER, MISS, THEN YOU'LL GET A BITE!"
* * * * *
PUZZLES FOR THE NEW YEAR.
_The Emperor of Germany._--To make a couple of public speeches without making use ten times of the first personal pronoun.
_Mr. Stanley._--To escape an overwhelming and universal ovation on his return.
_The Czar._--To increase the Naval and Military Estimates of his country with one hand, and at the same time succeed in controlling so-called "legitimate National aspirations" with the other.
_The Sultan._--To pay his way, and yet preserve a smiling countenance.
_The Gas-Stokers' Union._--To learn the lesson taught them by the course of recent events, and grow wise in time, without making further mischievous efforts to alienate public sympathy.
_Mr. Barnum._--To prove to the grumblers, who write to the Papers to complain of the "Booking" arrangements in connection with "The Greatest Show on Earth," that the management is perfect, and could not be better.
_The Emperor of Brazil._--To make ends meet on an income of nothing a-year.
_The Covent Garden Lion._--To find that his quite sedate, leisurely, and altogether proper performance is watched every night in breathless suspense by an excited audience.
_Mr. Augustus Harris._--To think already how he can manage to make his next year's Christmas Pantomime outdo even his,--this season's,--latest triumphant effort.
_Mr. Gladstone._--How to fit the items of his new Radical programme nicely in with his Home-Rule Scheme, with a view to making some sort of stir with both in the approaching Parliamentary Session.
_The Recently Unrolled Mummy._--To discover how he came to be so long neglected in a back room in Gower Street, and to find out, now that they have pounced on him, who the dickens he was when "up and doing" in Old Egypt thirty centuries back.
_The Authorities at the War Office._--How to satisfy an inquisitive public that 18,000 troopers can be comfortably and efficiently mounted on the 12,000 horses, the total number provided for them for that purpose by those who are responsible for their supply.
_The London Omnibus Horse._--How to get supplied with a proper shoe, that will enable him to keep on his legs with equal facility on granite, Macadam, wood, or asphalte.
_The First Lord of the Admiralty._--How to satisfy the country, from his place in Parliament, that the "Department" is turning out big guns in any number, and that, when they are turned out, he'll pledge his word that they won't burst--unreasonably.
* * * * *
"KILLALOE DAM GONE."--Under this heading, boldly displayed, the _Scottish Leader_ announces that the inundation of the Shannon has caused further serious damage to the new drainage works at Killaloe. The way of putting it is undoubtedly terse and emphatic. It sets forth in three words the consternation that fell upon Killaloe when the Shannon rose, and the ruthless ruin that whelmed the town when the waters retired. At the same time it is not quite the language we would have expected from an able and responsible journal which has bearded the _Scotsman_ in its den, and shown that, after all, it is possible to establish a prosperous Liberal newspaper in the Lowlands.
* * * * *
MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.
No. III.--THE MAN-TRAP.
Illustration: THE MAN-TRAP.
This Drama, which, like our last, has been suggested by a poem of the Misses TAYLORS', will be found most striking and impressive in representation upon the Music-hall stage. The dramatist has ventured to depart somewhat from the letter, though not the spirit, of the original text, in his desire to enforce the moral to the fullest possible extent. Our present piece is intended to teach the great lesson that an inevitable Nemesis attends apple-stealing in this world, and that Doom cannot be disarmed by the intercession of the evil-doer's friends, however well-meaning.
THE MAN-TRAP!
_A Thrilling Moral Musical Sensation Sketch in One Scene._
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
_William (a Good Boy)_ Mr. HARRY NICHOLLS. } _who have kindly_ _Thomas (a Bad Boy)_ Mr. HERBERT CAMPBELL. } _offered their services._ _Benjamin (neither one thing nor the other)_ Mr. SAMUEL SUPER. _The Monster Man-trap_ Mr. GEORGE CONQUEST.
SCENE--_An elaborate set, representing, on extreme left, a portion of the high road, and wall dividing it from an orchard; realistic apple-and pear-trees laden with fruit. Time, about four o'clock on a hot afternoon. Enter_ WILLIAM _and_ THOMAS, _hand-in-hand, along road; they ignore the dividing wall, and advance to front of stage._
_Duet.--William and Thomas._
_Wm._ I'm a reg'lar model boy, I am; so please make no mistake. It's THOMAS who's the bad 'un--_I_ am good!
_Thos._ Yes, I delight in naughtiness for naughtiness's sake, And I wouldn't be like WILLIAM if I could!
_Chorus._
_Wm._ Ever since I could toddle, my conduct's been model, There's, oh, such a difference between me and him!
_Thos._ While still in the cradle, I orders obeyed ill, And now I've grown into a awful young limb!
_Together._ Yes, now; {he's} grown into a awful young limb. {I've} I've made up my mind not to imitate _him_!
[_Here they dance._
_Second Verse._
_Wm._ If someone hits him in the eye, he always hits them back! When _I_ am struck, my Ma I merely tell! On passing fat pigs in a lane, he'll give 'em each a whack!
_Thos._ (_impenitently_). And jolly fun it is to hear 'em yell!
[_Chorus._
_Third Verse._
_Wm._ He's always cribbing coppers--which he spends on lollipops.
_Thos._ (A share of which _you_'ve never yet refused!)
_Wm._ A stone he'll shy at frogs and toads, and anything that hops!
_Thos._ (While you look on, and seem to be amused!)
[_Chorus._
_Fourth Verse._
_Wm._ As soon as school is over, THOMAS goes a hunting squirr'ls, Or butterflies he'll capture in his hat!
_Thos. You_ play at Kissing in the Ring with all the little girls!
_Wm._ (_demurely_). Well, THOMAS, I can see no harm in _that_!
[_Chorus._
_Fifth Verse._
_Wm._ Ah, THOMAS, if you don't reform, you'll come to some bad end!
_Thos._ Oh, WILLIAM, put your head inside a bag!
_Wm._ No. THOMAS, that I cannot--till you promise to amend!
_Thos._ Why, WILLIAM, what a chap you are to nag!
[_Chorus and dance._ THOMAS _returns to road, and regards the apple-trees longingly over top of wall._
_Thos._ Hi, WILLIAM, look ... what apples! there--don't _you_ see? And pears--my eye! just _ain't_ they looking juicy!
_Wm._ Nay, THOMAS, since you're bent upon a sin, _I_ will walk on, and visit BENJAMIN!
[_Exit_ WILLIAM (L. 2. E.), _while_ THOMAS _proceeds to scale the wall and climb the boughs of the nearest pear-tree. Melodramatic Music. The Monster Man-trap stealthily emerges from long grass below, and fixes a baleful eye on the unconscious_ THOMAS.
_Thos._ I'll fill my pockets, and on pears I'll feast!
[_Sees Man-trap, and staggers._
Oh, lor--whatever is that hugly beast! Hi, help, here! call him off!...
_The Monster._ 'Tis vain to holler-- My horders are--all trespassers to swoller! You just come down--I'm waiting 'ere to ketch you. (_Indignantly._) You _don't_ expect I'm coming up to fetch you!
_Thos. (politely.)_ Oh, not if it would inconvenience _you_, Sir! (_In agonised aside._) I feel my grip grow every moment looser!
[_The Monster, in a slow, uncouth manner, proceeds to scramble up the tree._
Oh, here's a go! The horrid thing can _climb!_ Too late I do repent me of my crime!
[_Terrific sensation chase! The Monster Man-trap leaps from bough to bough with horrible agility, and eventually secures his prey, and leaps with it to the ground._
_Thomas_ (_in the Monster's jaws_). I'm sure you seem a kind, good-natured creature-- You will not harm me?
_Monster._ No--I'll only eat yer!
[THOMAS _slowly vanishes down its cavernous jaws; faint yells are heard at intervals--then nothing but a dull champing sound; after which, dead silence. The_ Monster _smiles, with an air of repletion._
_Re-enter_ WILLIAM, _from_ R., _with_ BENJAMIN.
_Benjamin._ I'm very glad you came--but where is THOMAS?
_Wm._ (_severely._) TOM is a wicked boy, and better from us, For on the road he stopped to scale a wall!...
[_Sees Man-trap, and starts._
What's _that?_
_Benj._ It will not hurt _good_ boys at all-- It's only Father's Man-trap--why so pale?
_Wm._ The self-same tree!... the wall that TOM _would_ scale! Where's THOMAS _now_? Ah, TOM, the wilful pride of you!
[_The Man-trap affects an elaborate unconsciousness._
_Benj._ (_with sudden enlightenment_) Man-trap, I do believe poor TOM'S inside of you! That sort of smile's exceedingly suspicious.
[_The Man-trap endeavours to hide in the grass._
_Wm._ Ah, Monster, give him back--'tis true he's vicious, And had no business to go making free with you! But think, so bad a boy will disagree with you!
[WILLIAM _and_ BENJAMIN _kneel in attitudes of entreaty on either side of the Man-trap, which shows signs of increasing emotion as the song proceeds._
BENJAMIN (_sings_). | WILLIAM (_sings_). | Man-trap, bitter our distress is | In his downward course arrest him! That you have unkindly penned | (He may take a virtuous tack); In your innermost recesses | Pause awhile, ere you digest him. One who used to be our friend! | Make an effort--bring him back!
[_The Man-trap is convulsed by a violent heave_; WILLIAM _and_ BENJAMIN_ bend forward in an agony of expectation, until a small shoe and the leg of_ THOMAS'S _pantaloons are finally emitted from the Monster's jaws._
_Benj._ (_exultantly_). See, WILLIAM, now he's coming ... here's his shoe for you!
_The Man-trap_ (_with an accent of genuine regret_). I'm sorry--but that's all that I can do for you!
_Wm._ (_raising the shoe and the leg of pantaloons, and holding them sorrowfully at arm's length_). He's met the fate which moralists all promise is The end of such depraved careers as THOMAS's! Oh, BENJAMIN, take warning by it _be_-time!
(_More brightly_). But now to wash our hands--'tis nearly tea-time! [_Exeunt_ WILLIAM _and_ BENJAMIN, _to wash their hands, as Curtain falls. N.B. This finale is more truly artistic, and in accordance with modern dramatic ideas, than the conventional "picture."_
* * * * *
"A MONTAGU! A MONTAGU!"--Our common-sense Magistrate, Mr. Montagu WILLIAMS, heavily fined a steam-rolling demon, which comes in our streets as anything but a boon and a blessing to men and horses. _Ă€ propos_ of this "worthy beak," when are his "Reminiscences" to appear? The book is bound,--no, not yet, or it would have been published,--but, when it is ready, it is bound to be amusing.
* * * * *
NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.