Chapter 2

SINCE the first night, if hearsay evidence can be accepted, as I didn't see the _première_, Mr. SUGDEN must have immensely improved his _Touchstone_. He plays it now with much dry, quaint humour, and when I saw him in the part last week, every line told with a decidedly discriminating but appreciative audience. His scenes with that capital _Audrey_, Miss MARION LEA, and with _William_, were uncommonly good. I confess I was surprised. Mr. BOURCHIER--but now an amateur, now thus--gives _Jaques'_ immortal speech of "All the world's a stage," in a thoroughly natural and unconventional manner, chiefly remarkable for the absence of every gesture or tone that could make it a mere theatrical recitation by a modern professional reciter at a pic-nic. Mrs. LANGTRY'S _Rosalind_ is charming, her scenes with _Orlando_ being as pretty a piece of acting as any honest playgoer could wish to see. And what a pretty Lamb is she they call BEATRICE who plays _Phoebe_! What a sweet, gentle, restful play it is! How unlike these bustling times! To witness this idyllic romance as it is put on at the St. James's, is as if one had stepped aside out of "the movement," had bid adieu for a while to the madding crowd, and had plunged into the depths of the forest of Arden, to find a tranquil "society of friends," among whom, under the greenwood tree, one can rest and be thankful.

I was curious to see how ALEXANDER "the (Getting) Great" would comport himself as the hero of light farce, associated as he has always hitherto been with heroes of romance and high comedy. The theatre-going public and his admirers--the terms are synonymous--may breathe again. ALEXANDER is surprisingly good as _Dr. Bill_, and the serious earnestness with which he invests the part intensifies the drollery of the complications. And to think that the adapter of this gay and festive piece should be none other than the sentimental troubadour, song-writer and composer, author of a Lyceum Tragedy and other similar trifles, Mr. HAMILTON AÏDÉ!! "Sir," in future will HAMILTON AÏDÉ say, when being interviewed by a Manager, "I will now read you my Five Act Tragedy entitled----" "Hang your tragedies!" will the Manager exclaim, "Give me a farce like '_Dr. Bill_,' my boy!" And once more will the poet put his pride and his tragedy in one pocket, and all the money which the Comic Muse will give him in the other. I back the _argumentum ad pocketum_ against the Tragic Muse.

How capitally it is played! Miss BROUGH excellent; and so also is Mr. CHEVALIER, who entirely loses his own identity in his make-up, and is not to be recognised at all, save for a few mannerisms. Charming housemaid is pretty Miss MARIE LINDEN; and the idiotic youth, _George Webster_, played by Mr. BENJAMIN WEBSTER,--two Websters rolled into one,--is very funny. But they're all as good as they can be. I congratulate ALEXANDER the (Getting) Great, who, for pecuniary reasons, I should like to be, were I not

DIOGENES OUT OF THE TUB.

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The Bitter Cry of the Dramatic Critic.

'Tis the voice of the Critic I hear him complain, "One more afternoon! Fools! they're at it again!

These dull _Matinées_! Wretched plays I must see! But, alas, 'tis no play, And there's no peace for me!"

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"Le Sport" in Bouverie Street.

THE excellent columns of "This Morning's News" in the _Daily News_ the other day were endowed with fresh interest by an announcement made with respect to the Emperor of AUSTRIA. It runs thus:--

"When informed that on the Imperial preserves in the neighbourhood of Vienna the first snipe had been seen, _the passionate huntsman_ said, 'I am exceedingly sorry, but I've no time for them this week.'"

Every one has heard of "The Hunting of the Snark;" but this is the first time reference has been publicly made to the hunting of the Snipe.

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AT THE FIRST BOTANIC GARDEN SHOW. MARCH 26.

HIMANTOPHYLLUMS and Cyclamens were there to be seen, And some pretty baskets full of strawb'rries from Englefield Green.

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OUR ADVERTISERS.

HIGH LIFE, COMMERCIAL, TRADING, AND OTHER.

THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--As supplied direct from the ancestral estates of His Grace the Duke of WAGOVER.

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THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--This fashionable coal, throwing down a pleasing and prettily-coloured but plentiful light blue ash, is now confidently recommended to the general public, by His Grace the Duke of WAGOVER, who begs to inform his numerous patrons and clients that he has now completed his final arrangements to enable him entirely to relinquish his duties in the Upper House of the Legislature, for the purpose of being free to devote the whole of his time to the personal supervision of the working of the lucrative seams recently discovered on his family estate. Orders, that should be accompanied by postal orders or cheque, may be sent direct to His Grace, addressed either to Wagover Castle, or to his town residence in Belgrave Square, S.W.

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THE BEST SCREENED DUCAL KNOBBLES.--N.B. Customers are respectfully invited to note that the Ducal Arms, Coronet and Family Tree, are properly blazoned on every sack on delivery, as a guarantee that the coal supplied is that now offered at the extremely low figure of 28s. a ton as "Ducal Knobbles," screened under the immediate supervision of His Grace's own eye.

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THE EARL'S PICKLED PIES.--These delicious breakfast-table delicacies (now the rage everywhere) can be obtained by special arrangement, at any pastrycook's, cheesemonger's, or grocer's in the Three Kingdoms. A Noble Earl having by an agreement with his head-keeper and chief tenants, secured the right of shooting his own ground game, has commenced on his own estate the manufacture, for which he has taken out patent rights, of the above celebrated "rabbit" pies, the demand for which has so increased that for the last six months his house has never contained a shooting-party of less than ten guns at a time, that have all been busily engaged at making a bag for their manufacture, continually, from morning till night. An analyst, writing to the _Stethoscope_, says, "_I have examined a sample of the pie sent me. It appears to be all rabbit. I cannot discover a particle of cat in it anywhere_."

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THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION SYNDICATE. With the above appellation, a Company has been organised, under the Direction of an Impecunious Duchess, assisted by a Committee of Upper Class Ladies, whose want of ready money has become urgent, for the purpose of selling, at a fixed sale of prices, to any low-bred _parvenue_ who can afford to pay for it, the _entrée_ to those exclusive and hitherto unapproachable circles to which they, by the accident of their birth and family connections, possess the privilege of offering and securing an introduction.

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HIGH CLASS SOCIAL PRIVILEGES.--THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION SYNDICATE beg to direct the attention of enterprising and ambitious aspirants to the advantages of an introduction to various social privileges of a High Class and Exclusive character, to the fact that the following "items," that have been carefully thought out, and priced according to scale, conformably with the present condition of the social market, are now offered for their consideration:--

£ _s._ _d._ Invitation and admission to a "crush" in the neighbourhood of Belgrave Square (without introduction to Host or Hostess) 21 0 0

Ditto, ditto, (with introduction) 31 10 0

Ditto, ditto, at Bayswater, or West Kensington 1 11 6

Five o'clock tea, including introduction to Leading Actor, Royal Academician, Distinguished Literary Man, or other celebrity 10 10 0

Same privilege enjoyed at select little dinner-party of eight 26 5 0

Other "Social Privileges" provided according to the special requirements of the case. Underbred people, with no position, but possessing means, may be launched under the protection of carefully selected Chaperons, into the very best Society, on applying personally to the Manageress.

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DINING WITH A DUCHESS.--THE EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY INTRODUCTION SYNDICATE beg to inform their patrons and clients that their charge for satisfactorily securing them this eminent and obvious social advantage is, at the present moment, through the rare opportunity due to financial losses incurred recently by several distinguished Noble Families, only one hundred and fifty guineas. This sum does not include any personal introduction, but the latter may be arranged for with or without three minutes' conversation over a cup of tea later in the course of the evening by the payment of the comparatively small additional fee of fifty guineas extra.

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"THE GIFT HORSE."

Niver look a gift horse in the mouth? Moighty foine, But how if the crayture is not worth its kape? Faix, it isn't the nag for a stable o' moine. Oive doubts of its blood and oi don't loike its shape. What! we ought to accipt it and think it an honour? We moight do that same did we not know the donor!

Oh, I grant ye it's big, and I grant ye it's bould, A blood-looking Bucephalus ivery inch; But its oi if ye look, Sorr, is cruel and could, And that big aff-hind leg has a fidgety flinch. Oi'd git out av the way av its heels moighty quick, For I fancy the baste has a botherin' kick!

It looks all very well in the front, to be shure, Though I don't loike the way that it lays back its ears, But your sate in the saddle had need be secure If it lash out behoind, as it _could_, oive me fears. By the sowl of St. PAT. oi'd as soon risk a spill From those blayguard buck-jumpers of BUFFALO BILL!

Gift horse? Oh, by jabers _that's_ not what we're afther, We'd breed for ourselves if they'd give us a chance. BALFOUR, ye stand there wid an oi full o' laughter. Ye divil, we know that cool optical dance. Come the comether on us then, would ye, ye wag, Wid this "ginerous" gift of a dangerous nag?

All shenanigin', that's what it is, sheer purtence; But ye don't catch us ould Oirish birds wid such chaff! Ye'd loike us to take it,--and take no offence. And thin it's yourself as 'ud just have the laugh. It may do for the North, but won't suit us down South; So, PARNELL, my boy, _take a squint at its mouth!_

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FASTER AND FASTER.--In France there is now a Fasting Girl. If she beats the record, and if the winners, who back her staying powers against those of Succi, give her a handsome _dot_, she will be known as _La Jeûnesse Dorée_.

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DUNRAVEN. (_Verses from the Very Latest Version._)

Once on a Commission dreary sat DUNRAVEN, worn and weary. Hearing many a snuffling Hebrew, many a Sweater's victim poor, Oft he nodded, nearly dozing, but, on the Commission's closing, Schemed out a Report, supposing that by such Report he'd score. "Tone it down," his colleagues muttered; "like a sucking-dove let's roar, Gently purr, and nothing more."

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"Be those words our sign of parting!" cried DUNRAVEN, swift upstarting; "Sweating's an accursed system, but if now our toil is o'er, We leave twaddle as sole token of the swelling words we've spoken. Public faith in us is broken! Bah! I quit, I "bust", boil o'er! Take my seat, sign your Report, about such bosh my spirit bore?" Quoth DUNRAVEN, "Nevermore!"

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ROBERT TRIHUMFUNT!

I ONLY hopes as most of my thowsands of readers took my strait tip last Wensday morning, and got their 9 to 4 against the winner, if not it most suttenly wasn't my fault. My directions was as clear as daylight. "Dark morning, dark blew carnt lose." And wosent it a dark morning? and wosent it luvly arterwuds? Any of my winners may send my 5 per sent commishun to the hoffice as ushal, and they will all receve a copy of my emortle Book by post.

It was a puffeckly lovely race! fust Cambridge got fust, then Hoxford got fust and Cambridge second, and so on all through, but in course Hoxford wun as I proffysized.

I seed all the River Tems Conserwatives, with the Right Honnerabel the LORD MARE at the hed of 'em all, a laying carmly at rest in their bootifool Steam Bote, a trying for to look as if they wasn't responsibel for all the hundreds of thousands of peeple as lined all the banks of the River a gitting ome safely. Many on 'em I remarked kept on a disappearing down below ewery now and then, probberbly to seek that strengthening of the system so werry nessessery under such trying suckemstances. Upon the hole, I wentures werry humbly to pronounce it to be one of the werry sucksessfullest races of moddun times, which I bleeves means about 6 years. ROBERT.

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SONG SENTIMENTIANA.

(_A Delightful "All-the-Year-Round" Resort for the Fashionable Composer._)

EXAMPLE II.--SHOWING HOW CURIOUSLY RETENTIVE IS THE LOVER'S MEMORY.

'Tis ninety years ago, love! It seems but yestermorn We sat upon the snow, love, And watch'd the golden corn! I mind the bitter wind, love-- I mind it well, although The wind I say I mind, love, Blew ninety years ago!

The plough stood on the hill, love-- The horse stood in the plough! And both were standing still, love-- I seem to see them now! The lamb frisk'd in the glen, love-- A stranger _he_ to _whoa_! And so was I--but then, love, 'Twas ninety years ago!

The roses by the way, love, Were large and, oh, so fair! And so they are to-day, love, For all I know--or care! And softly unto thou, love, While yet among the snow, I breathed that fatal vow, love, Of ninety years ago!

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A "FISHING INTERROGATORY."--"What's this new French book on angling?" asked Mrs. R., who is not very well up in the French language and literature. "I believe," she went on, "it is called _The Bait Humane_. I do hope it is against the cruel practice of putting live worms on a hook, which is so cruel."--[It is supposed that our dear Mrs. R. has heard some mention of _La Bête Humaine_.--ED.]

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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

ADVICE to those who are about to give Easter presents--send to MACMILLAN'S for "The Nursery 'Alice,'" who re-appears "as fresh as paint," that is, with twenty-four of "Our Mr. TENNIEL'S" illustrations, coloured by Miss GERTRUDE THOMSON, under his direction.

The _Universal Review_ is specially noteworthy for a short play by Mr. W. L. COURTNEY, entitled, _Kit Marlowe's Death_. Mr. BOURCHIER of the St. James's, so it is stated, is going to add this "Kit" to his theatrical wardrobe. Some of the stage-directions,--such, for instance, as "_They pour out wine in his cup, which he swallows_," and "_The others laugh at_ NASH'S _expense_,"--are well worth all the money that the spirited purchaser may have paid for this almost priceless work. In the same Magazine, the coloured frontispiece of "_Count Tolstoy at Home_," showing the Count, not labouring in the fields of literature, but simply guiding the plough, is as good as the article on the _Kreutzer Sonata_ is interesting; and interesting also is the paper entitled, "Musings in an English Cathedral," by the Dean of GLOUCESTER,--henceforth to be known as "A Musing Dean."

Mr. ANDREW LANG in _Longman's_--or rather _Lang-man's--Magazine_, is still stopping at "The Sign of The Ship"--[The Baron moves "that the words 'and Turtle' be inserted after 'Ship'"]--and as he has recently been delighting us with wanders in the land of Ham, it will gratify his readers to learn that he is now ceasing to be "All for 'Hur,'" in order to join the author of She in a plot for a new romance. They are undeterred by the eye of Detective RUNCIMAN. I wish success to Merry Andrew Languid in this collaboration. In this same _Lang-man's Mag._, Mr. VAL PRINSEP, A.R.A., having temporarily dissociated himself from the paint-brush and canvas, by which he has made his name and fame, continues his novel _Virginie_. In the present chapter he incidentally gives a description of the service of Mass in the good _Abbé Leroux's_ parish church, which is a triumph of imagination and subtle humour. No wonder "the _Abbé Leroux_ was scandalised," when the service had been turned topsy-turvy, the _credo_ put before the _gloria_, and a young person among his congregation, topping all other voices, was singing a solo! Where was the Beadle? or a Churchwarden? or an Aggrieved Parishioner? Three cheers for Facile PRINSEP'S novel!

In _Plain Tales from the Hills_, by Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING, the jaded palate of the "General Reader" will recognise a new and piquant flavour. In places the manner suggests an Anglo-Indian BRET HARTE, and there is perhaps too great an abundance of phrases and local allusions which will be dark sayings to the uninitiated. But the stories show a quite surprising knowledge of life, a familiarity with military, civil, and native society, and a command of pathos and humour, which have already won a reputation for the author. Few can read _Beyond the Pale_, _The Arrest of Lieutenant Golightly_, _The Story of Muhammed Din_, _The Germ Destroyer_, and _The Madness of Private Ortheris_, for example, without admiration for the versatility which can cover so wide a range, and impress, amuse, or touch with the same ease and epigrammatic conciseness.

BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO.

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THE ROOT OF THE MATTER.

(_The Sporting M.P.'s Straight Tip to Trevelyan._)

In the intervals of Sport M.P.'s vamp the country's work, Therefore cut the Sessions short, Supplementary Sessions shirk. _Must_ have time to pot the grouse, _Must_ have time to hook the salmon, Spoil our Sport to help the House? Gammon!!!

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LOST, somewhere between Land's End and John O'Groat's, a highly-treasured heir-loom, known as the "British Sense of Fair Play." It disappeared immediately after the issuing of the Report of the Parnell Commission, and has never been seen or heard of since. Many applicants have claimed to have re-discovered it; but, from Sir R-CH-RD W-BST-R and Sir W-LL-M H-RC-RT, to L-RD D-NR-V-N, and (last and least) Sir W. M-RR-TT, all have absolutely failed to substantiate their claims. Any Public Man, of whatever party, who can prove his possession of the lost treasure, by making a speech embodying a judicial survey of the Judges' Report, without party-feeling, special pleading, or paltry spite, will, on applying personally to _Mr. Punch_, be HANDSOMELY REWARDED!!!

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PUT THIS IN YOUR PIPE.

[Pipe-Major MCKELLAR has thrown doubts upon the pretty and pathetic story of "JESSIE BROWN of Lucknow."]

Our faith to the winds you would chuck now, Concerning that Legend of Lucknow. That sweet Scottish girl Never heard the pipes "skirl?" Come! This is mere sceptical muck now!

The Ross-shire Buffs' slogan I'll wager Will survive many stories much sager. Our faith in the tale Is confirmed, and won't fail At the word of a single Pipe-Major.

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MUSICAL NOTES.

I HAVE just received FLORIAN PASCAL'S Music composed for _Tra la la Tosca_, published by JOSEPH WILLIAMS of Berners Street. Justice was not done to it on the stage at the Royalty, but there are two _morçeaux_ in it which ought to become popular; one being a song entitled "_Her Eye_," which, were it wedded to serious words, would be highly popular as a contralto song, just as SULLIVAN'S charming "_Hush a bye Bacon_," in _Cox and Box_, became "_Birds of the Night_." Then the Gavotte in this book is as graceful and catching as the _Gavotte de Louis Treize_, and would be in great request with orchestras and bands everywhere.

KLEIN'S _Musical Notes of the Year_, a useful and trustworthy historical record, was sent to me, and not "de-KLEIN'd with thanks." I have just heard that there is a new pick-me-up called "Zingit." What it is I don't know, and I haven't as yet come across the inevitable big advertisement; but what I have ascertained is, that Mr. EDWARD SOLOMON, who is now wearing the diamond scarf-pin presented to him by the Guards whom he led on to victory in their recent burlesque engagement, has composed a polka or waltz which bears the name of "_Zingit_," and which might bear on the wrapper, "If you can't play it, or dance it, Zing it."

(_Signed_) OTTO PICCOLO (DU CONSERVATOIRE).

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Mr. HUBERT VOS requests the honour of our company at his studio near Vauxhall Bridge. Very sorry: couldn't get there. "_Sic_ Vos _non vobis_."

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A "SCRATCH COMPANY."--A Cat Show.

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WHERE MARRIAGES ARE MADE.

THE application for a licence to marry at St. George's, Albemarle Street, made by the JEUNE PREMIER, Q.C., on behalf of the Rev. Dr. KER GRAY, was opposed by Canon CAPEL CURE, of St. George's, Hanover Square, the Hymeneal Temple _par excellence_ of the Metropolis. Dr. TRISTRAM, with traditional Shandyan caution, said he would "take time to consider his decision." Should Dr. Time be adverse to the opponents, then will the Minister with the sad-dog name of "KER GRAY" become the Canon's _bête noire_. If the decision be t'other way, then KER GRAY may twit the Canon with being "a regular Cure," and might compose a chant on the old lines of

"A Cure, a Cure, a Cure, a Cure, Oh isn't he a Cure!"

While the Canon could retaliate with a parody on "_Old Dog Tray_."

"The chapel's far too near, But p'raps another year May put a stop to old KER GRAY."

In the meantime, the affair being _sub (Punch-and-) judice_, we refrain from further comment, and wish luck to both Reverend Gentlemen.

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SENTENCE RE-VERSED.

'Gin a body meet a body On the Queen's highway, And a body kiss a body, Won't a body pay? Mony a lassie has a temper. Mony a beak is stern; At six weeks' quod, and fourteen bob, The lesson's hard to learn.

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TOO MUCH A MATTER OF COURSE.--Cruelty to Hares.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.