Chapter 3

"Admirable," said GRANDOLPH, looking on with appreciative, though not loving eyes. "If he had lived in the time of his father JACOB, it would have been no use his brothers putting him in the pit; he would have argued himself clean out before they were half a mile on their way back to the family place in Canaan. Weak part of his position is that he is trying to serve two Bills, BALFOUR'S and PARNELL'S. Can't recommend BALFOUR'S scheme without belittling PARNELL'S; same thing other way about. Reminds me, TOBY, of a passage in WORDSWORTH'S prose writings; not so much read as his poetry; but daresay you remember it. There was a Bishop WATSON who began his official career as a Liberal. He was frightened into Conservatism, and WORDSWORTH, then a hot young youth, goes for him as youth does sometimes gird at Respectability. 'Upon what principle,' he asked the Bishop, 'is your conduct to be explained? In some parts of England it is quaintly said when a drunken man is seen reeling home, that he has business on both sides of the road. Observing your Lordship's tortuous path, the spectators will be far from insinuating that you have partaken of Mr. BOURKE'S intoxicating bowl. They will content themselves, shaking their heads as you stagger along, with saying that you have business on both sides of the road.' That's what's the matter with CHAMBERLAIN. He's very smart, very clever, very capable; but in politics, dear TOBY, no one ever succeeds who has business on both sides of the road."

"What do _you_ think?" I asked CHRISTOPHER SYKES, who stood looking on with familiar aspect of unutterable wisdom.

"I wasn't thinking of that at all," he answered, gloomily. "Haven't yet got over what GEORGE LEWIS said in Court on Saturday. You've heard or read about it, of course? Took opportunity of observing, that though I was near sixty years of age, I was very innocent. I may be getting on for sixty, but I'll tell you what, TOBY, I'm not nearly so innocent as I look."

CHRISTOPHER really hurt with GEORGE LEWIS'S aspersion. Comforted him by hinting that I knew some dreadful things about him.

"We remember your Crabs and Lobsters Bill," I said, soothingly. "There was much more in that than met the eye. You're a crafty old CHRISTOPHER; just the sort of man to take in a fellow like GEORGE LEWIS, who thinks he knows everything."

CHRISTOPHER smiled a deep and wicked smile, and strode off in better spirits. Always like to say a kind word to a man when I can.

_Business done._--Land Purchase Bill again.

_Tuesday._--Fight on Land Purchase Bill been going forward again at Morning Sitting; rather dull, though enlivened by speech from PLUNKET, who once more reminded House how much it loses by his habitual silence. At Evening Sitting GRANDOLPH came on with his Licensing Bill. Let eager politicians and ambitious statesmen arm themselves for combat in the field of high politics; GRANDOLPH'S only desire is to do a little good in the world whilst yet he lingers on this level. Nothing new in crusade against drink. No _kudos_ to be gained; no acclaim of the multitude to ring in the pleased ear; no cheering clash of party conflict. GRANDOLPH gives a deprecating twirl to his modest moustache, and takes up his homely parable. Possibly he does this with the larger content, since he had his go at the Land Purchase Bill before Debate on Second Reading opened. His letters, published on eve of Easter recess, hurtled pleasantly around the heads of his esteemed friends on Treasury Bench. Could not say anything more or anything better if he joined in debate; so sits silent through Morning Sitting, and when the shades of evening fall, he meekly lifts up his voice, expounding a measure of domestic legislation fraught with permanent interest to the masses.

"A most promising member of the Band of Hope," says WILFRED LAWSON, regarding GRANDOLPH with fatherly kindness. "Wonder if I might ask him to crack a bottle of ginger-beer with me. Will certainly proffer the hospitality if I get a chance."

The grand young GARDNER (_and_ his wife; can complete quotation now) back again after wedding trip. Doesn't look quite so brisk as the average bridegroom. "Fact is, old fellow," he said, as I condoled with him, "when I said I would die a bachelor, I never thought I would live to be married, go off on a wedding trip, catch the influenza at Innsbruck, the measles at Milan, the scarlatina at Samarcand, and the malaria at Mentone."

_Business done._--Morning Sitting, Irish Land Purchase Bill; Evening, GRANDOLPH'S Licensing Bill read First Time.

_Thursday._--Ordinarily amicable proceedings in debate on Irish Land Purchase Bill varied by accidental but unhappy circumstances. Prince ARTHUR in course of speech happened to say, that "under Bill of 1886 Irish Government was supposed to be a buffer between the English Government and the Irish tenant." Mr. G., sitting attentive, suddenly sprang up when this insult fell on his ear. Bill of 1886 not a tempting topic; led to downfall of his Ministry; but to hear it publicly called a "buffer," more than he could stand--or, rather, sit. Leaped to feet, and, with thrilling energy, repudiated gross imputation. Prince ARTHUR taken aback; hadn't meant anything particular. To call a thing or a person a buffer not necessarily a term of opprobrium. Everything depends on inflection of tone. Suppose, now, leaning across the table, he had addressed Mr. G. as "old buffer," that would perhaps have been a little familiar, but not vindictive.

This he tried to make clear. Having, as he thought, averted the thunder, repeated remarks about Bill of 1886 being a buffer. Didn't even put it in that direct form.

"I said," he observed with seraphic smile and deferential manner, "that the Irish Government under the Right Hon. Gentleman's Bill was supposed to occupy the position, more or less, of a buffer between the English Government and the Irish tenant."

Mr. G. up again with catapultic force and suddenness. "Not in the least," he angrily protested. "A buffer is between two things."

Expected that would floor Prince ARTHUR; but he came back again, and sheltering himself behind the brass-bound box, called out, "Yes, but a buffer might be between two persons as well as between two things."

Mr. G. angrily shook his head; a Jove-like frown mantled his countenance. But disdained to pursue controversy further, and Prince ARTHUR, carefully avoiding further reference to buffers, went his way. Difference of opinion as to how question was left; Conservatives insist that Prince ARTHUR had best of it; Liberals stand by Mr. G. Many wonder why SPEAKER did not interfere; as he did not, it is assumed that buffer is a Parliamentary word, at least when applied to inanimate creation.

_Business done._--Second Heading of Irish Land Purchase Bill carried by 348 Votes against 268.

_Friday._--HARTINGTON suddenly, unexpectedly, surprisingly, blossomed into effective speech. Of all subjects in world was Disestablishment of Kirk in Scotland! Calculated to depress most people; brightened HARTINGTON up beyond all knowledge. His little hit at GLADSTONE, sheltering himself behind his (HARTINGTON'S) familiar and convenient declaration, that on Disestablishment Question he would be guided by the opinion of the majority of the Scotch people, neatly and dexterously made. Also his reference to the short time when he had honour of being "at least the nominal Leader of the Liberal Party," and found Mr. G. a somewhat unruly follower. Most excellent. HARTINGTON should try this line again.

_Business done._--Motion for Scotch Disestablishment negatived by 256 Votes against 218.

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WEEK BY WEEK.

_Wednesday, May 7._--_Mr. Punch_ out. Everybody's at home to _him_.

_Friday 9._--Mrs. DUFFER'S first dance if she knows the step.

_Saturday 10._--Rehearsal of Crystal Palace fireworks, 2 P.M. Admission by entrance gates only.

_Monday 12._--Breakfast to Mr. H. M. STANLEY, at whatever time he orders it.

First Meet of H.S. Drags, Serpentine.

Foot-ball in Rotten Row, by kind permission of GEORGE RANGER and the Commissioner of Police.

Mrs. NOODLE'S second dance postponed, as she hasn't given her first yet.

_Tuesday 13._--Holiday at Zoological Gardens. Cages all open. Admission free. Banquets, Excursions, and Alarums.

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LADY HENRIETTA SISKIN'S Charity Dance has been postponed until the following week. A large and distinguished company is expected to grace the mezzotint hall of her ladyship's new mansion in Belgravia on the occasion. No expense is to be spared in the general decoration of the supper-room, which was built, it will be remembered, by her ladyship's great-grandfather in the reign of GEORGE THE THIRD.

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A Correspondent furnishes us with the following curious observations:--"I have noticed," he writes, "that those who walk or ride in the Park are, generally speaking, of two sexes, and possess, as a rule, four fingers and a thumb on each hand. By a curious freak of fashion, a frock-coat is not now worn with a muslin skirt; and a moustache may be sought for in vain under a sun-bonnet. Horses are ridden with four legs, and, in some cases, with a tail, although this is not essential."

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It is strange to notice how much the tastes of theatre-goers vary at the present day. Some prefer the Haymarket, some the Strand, others flock to the Lyceum, and some are turned away from the Savoy, the Garrick, or the Avenue. Philosophers have, as yet, paid too little attention to this matter. Would Mr. HERBERT SPENCER or Mr. LANG oblige?

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It has been calculated by the Society for the Collection of Domestic Data, that if three-fourths of the Cooks of the Metropolis struck work on any given day, exactly nine-twelfths of the resident employers of servants would be seriously inconvenienced.

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There is but very slight foundation for the report that, if AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS (first so styled in the burlesque on _Claudian_) should be elected to the Shrievalty, Messrs. HARRY NICHOLLS and HERBERT CAMPBELL will be the Under-Sheriffs.

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A Correspondent lately drew Mr. GL-DST-NE'S attention to the prevalence of mud after rain, and the consequent injury to carts, collars, and carriages. The veteran Statesman has found time to send the following post-card reply, which will be perused with interest:--

SIR,--The subject to which you direct my attention is no doubt of peculiar interest to those in any way connected with the vehicular traffic by which so much of the commerce and pleasure of the Metropolis is carried on. In view, however, of the pressing exigencies of the Irish Question, I cannot do more than take a note of your objections to mud-spots, leaving to those who may come after me the duty of dealing practically with your recommendations.

I am, faithfully yours, W. E. GL-DST-NE.

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On the evening when Mr. STANLEY dines with the Turners' Company, where he is entertained as a Re-Turner, it is hoped that the authorities of the National Gallery will kindly allow all their Turners to attend. The history of the Turners' Company is interesting, commencing as it does with WHITTINGTON, who was the first person (before HENRY IRVING played it) to hear _The Bells_, and to obey their injunction "to turn again."

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NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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