Chapter 3

_Question._ I believe you are a very rapid reader of fiction?

_Answer._ Certainly. My average rate is three and a half volumes a day. This gives me plenty of time for meals, sleep and skipping.

_Q._ Do you skip a great deal?

_A._ A very great deal. For instance, I have skipped about two-thirds of _Isa_, by the Editor of the _North-Eastern Daily Gazette_, in spite of it being only in a couple of volumes, and containing for an introduction the following rather lengthy sentence:--"If the devil were in a laughing mood, what could seem more grimly humorous to him than the vision of a fair young spirit striving consciously after ethereal perfection, but overweighted unconsciously by the bonds and fetters of human infirmity and passion, and dragged at last headlong down the abysmal descent to perdition?" "Abysmal" is good--very good.

_Q._ Well, and what of the book itself?

_A._ Chiefly horrors. Nightmare after a pork-chop supper I fancy. _Nelly Jocelyn_ (_Widow_), is a welcome contrast. One of the best things Miss JEAN MIDDLEMASS has done. The character of _Paul Cazalet_ capitally drawn and foreign local colouring admirable.

_Q._ What do you think of _His Own Enemy_?

_A._ Fancy the title somehow must refer to the Author. Clerical sketches full of unconscious humour. Two volumes but _very_ big ones. Quite a relief to get to _A False Start_,--by HAWLEY SMART, which is most entertaining. But in this case the name of the Author is a safe guarantee for something worth reading.

_Q._ What do you think of _A Modern Circe_?

_A._ I fancy it is not quite so good as _Molly Brown_, by the same Author.

_Q._ What do you know of _Molly Brown_?

_A._ Nothing--I have not read it.

_Q._ What have you to say about _Scamp_?

_A._ That it is by the Author of _The Silent Shadow_, which I fancy must be the sequel of another novel called _The Garrulous Ghost_. In the first chapter the heroine _Scamp_, (a young lady) is discovered up a tree from which coign of vantage she throws a yellow-paper-covered novel at the gardener's head.

_Q._ The first chapter then must be vastly entertaining?

_A._ Vastly. I am absolutely dying to read the chapters that follow it, and will--some day.

_Q._ What is _Brother or Lover_ about? _A._ I don't know--do you?

_Q._ This is trifling! Pray describe _Out of Tune_.

_A._ Ought to have been called _Out of Paganini_--founded upon that distinguished fiddler's life, although (as the Author says) "it is necessarily speculative as to its details."

_Q._ Have you read _In the King's Service_?

_A._ Some of it. Fancy it deals with the Peninsular War.

_Q._ How about _Jill and Jack_?

_A._ Book I imagine written before the title. Rather hard work to get up the hill which ends with the last chapter.

_Q._ What is _Hidden in my Heart_?

_A._ Seemingly the words which finish the third volume, "It is two years now since _Hubert_ died, and to-morrow is my second wedding-day."

_Q._ Is this the first novel that the Authoress has written?

_A._ Oh dear no. She has also published _Out of Eden_, _Quite True_, and a book which apparently refers to the late-in-life "finishing" of an uneducated ecclesiastic called _The Vicar's Governess_.

_Q._ Don't you think that you are rather hard upon the novelists?

_A._ I hope not. I am sure I owe them a deep, deep debt of gratitude.

_Q._ How so? _A._ Without them I should be a victim to insomnia.

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THE WHISTLING RELIEF.

(_A Song for the Sleepy._)

"Baron H. DE WORMS informed Mr. LAWSON, that the Board of Trade had communicated with some of the Railway Companies as to the nuisance caused to the inhabitants of the Metropolis by the constant use of railway whistles at night, and the Board were assured that every effort would be made to reduce the nuisance."--_Parliamentary Report._

AIR--"_The Whistlin' Thief._"

When one is tired or ill, And fain asleep would be, A whistle loud and shrill Oft brings the "big, big D." "DE WORMS," young LAWSON said, "This whistling is a bore." "All right," says the Baron; "don't you be afraid. They'll whistle at night no more."

"I've lived a long time, Baron," Says _Punch_, "in the world, my dear, But of a nuisance settled _at once_, I never yet did hear. Yet if you'll lessen nocturnal shines, And let us sleep or think, Your jolly good health all the commonwealth In a bumper deep will drink."

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ECCENTRIC CONDUCT OF A JOURNALIST ON THE SPREE.--The Editor of the Berlin _Echo_ has offered a prize for the best Poem in praise of the Mother-in-Law. This singular demand proves that the gentleman cannot be married.

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CHANGE OF NAME.

If thus Penny Papers are freely allowed To fling right and left their absurd imputations, To find a new name for the quill-driving crowd Will surely be one of our first obligations. The Penny-a-Liner for long has been known As a genial gusher, a fine phrase-refiner; But now that he false and malignant has grown, We must call him "The Penny Maligner."

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THE FLY AND THE FARMERS.

"The Hessian Fly is causing great alarm amongst the agriculturists. Its extinction is attracting the attention of the Faculty."--_Daily Paper._

Now we number the Potato Beetle 'mong the scares gone by; But a cuss has found its way to Fields of corn--the Hessian Fly. _Unde derivatur_ "Hessian"? Named from whence the fly had flown, Under quite a wrong impression, No such thing in Hesse's known.

_Cecidomyia destructor_, (What long names have little things!) Comes o'er Ocean by conductor; Straw, pestiferous, _pupæ_, brings. They turn, each, into a small gnat, Not a blow-fly, bottle-blue; _Cecidomyia_, _vulgò_, gall-gnat, Galls both growths and growers too.

So the Farmers, full of trouble, Help imploring go about, They are told to burn the stubble; No way else to stamp it out. True the _Chalcis_ is reputed, On the Gall-gnat's grub to feed; But, for service to be suited, How that parasite can they breed?

Yet there is a vermin-killer, Like to thin the dipterous pest, To the farmer and the miller, Which instruction may suggest. What may be, the question narrows, If they doubt they can but try, Is, if let alone, the sparrows Might keep down the Hessian Fly.

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BLESS HIS 'ART.--If there is anything in a name, the recently suggested appointment of _Artin Effendi_ as Turkish Commissioner at Sofia ought to mean something. Certainly the situation is one demanding the exercise of no little diplomatic art. But the question is, whether the proposed Commissioner has got, as ROBERT would put it, his _art in_ the business. There's the point.

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A PRETTY KETTLE OF FISH.--The Riots at Ostend.

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THE SIGH OF THE SEASON.

Good-bye dinner, good-bye lunch, Good-bye turtle, good-bye punch, Good-bye jambon soaked in cham., Good-bye venison, cutlets lamb, Good-bye salmon, smelts, and sole, Good-bye HEIDSIECK'S Monopole, Good-bye hock, sauterne, and sherry, Good-bye all that makes me merry, Good-bye liqueurs, _petite verre_, Good-bye Sauce _au Vin Madère_, Good-bye all these joys of life, Good-bye fork, and good-bye knife, Good-bye all I take when out, Good-bye _then_ this twinge of gout!

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WORTH NOTICE.--There is this slight difference between the conventional Yankee and the average Home Ruler, that whilst the former swears "by Gum," the latter swears by G. O. M.

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"THE STORY OF A KISS."--(_A "Novel" Reading._)--Kiss and tell! For shame!

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INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 51.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_House of Commons, Monday August 22._--Peers at last face the inevitable. As records have shown there has been for week or two no work for them to do. Still, they have eased their tender consciences by assembling to see HALSBURY take the Woolsack. (Always a pleasing spectacle. Innate grace of LORD CHANCELLOR comes out in every step and gesture.) To-night there was, as usual, nothing to do; but Noble Lords really could not again make believe that Nation could not get on without them. So stayed away, and for one night House of Lords abolished.

In Commons at hour for commencing public business barely a quorum present. Both Front Bench and Treasury Bench vacant. GEORGE BALFOUR, always ready to throw himself into breach, took possession of seat of Leader of Opposition, and calmly gazed across table. Never should it be said as long as he had seat in House that Liberals were as sheep without a shepherd. Few Members on back benches visibly brightened up at sight of veteran volunteer.

Only a few questions, but unwonted difficulty in getting through them. Some cases the questioner not present. In others Minister addressed not yet arrived. MCARTHUR had question down pretty early in list. SPEAKER called upon him. No response. Went on to next question. Quarter of an hour later, all other questions run through. MCARTHUR coming in put his question to Parliamentary Secretary for Foreign Affairs. FERGUSSON, who had also just arrived, supposing that MCARTHUR had put question in due course, apologised to him for not having been in his place; whereat House laughed uproariously. Very grateful in these times for anything that looks like joke.

P. STANHOPE brought under notice of Home Secretary case of enterprising parish constable in North Hunts. P.C., a supporter of Her Majesty's Government, resented Liberal candidate presenting himself before constituency. Determined he should not be heard. Brought down enormous rattle; swung it about throughout candidate's speech. JOSEPH GILLIS pricked up his ears. What a notion this would be for adaptation to Parliamentary usage! Suppose he had rattle and swung it whilst SAUNDERSON or JOHNSTON were speaking? Will consult SPEAKER as to how far this would be in order. HOME SECRETARY declined to be responsible for either parish constable or his rattle.

_Business done._--Votes on Supply.

_Tuesday._--Lords sat ten minutes to-night. Home to dinner, with sense of deserving well of country.

Commons at work again in Supply. Considered Vote for Science and Art Department, South Kensington. CAVENDISH-BENTINCK contributed one or two speeches of great interest. Thin attendance, and prevalent air of lassitude. But, whilst on legs, C.-B. riveted attention. Very indignant with neglect of Art in common life. Old Members accustomed to Right Hon. Gentleman's little trick, of which he is sole repository. But new Members tremble, and grow pale, as, when denouncing any person or practice, Right Hon. Gentleman mysteriously raises his hair till it stands on end. Once this phenomenon came about when he denounced certain weighing-machines, which, he said, had recently been put up at London railway stations. Tops of this machine, he said, were supported by two columns, one supposed to be Ionic, and the other Doric.

"As matter of fact," said C.-B., his hair slowly uprising, "they're neither one thing nor the other, but simply German!"

As he spoke, fixed fiery eye on HOME SECRETARY. MATTHEWS, so accustomed to be badgered, and feeling his perfect innocence in this respect, shook his head. Phenomenon witnessed again when BENTINCK discovered that picture, bought at CHRISTIE'S for 120 guineas, subsequently sold to National Gallery for 400. Hair rose in angry protest.

_Business done._--Thirteen Votes passed.

_Thursday._--Dreary wilderness of House of Commons blossomed to-night like a rose-garden. Yesterday, and for days before, empty benches and a fagged remnant wrestling with routine votes. To-night House crowded, and buzz of excitement filled chamber. GLADSTONE going to move hostile Resolution on Government proposal to proclaim Land League. Every Member in town early in his place. Members from afar arrived post haste. Even RANDOLPH, temporarily returns. Old Morality smiles ghastly smile of welcome, but knees tremble as he wonders what RANDOLPH means to do. The O'GORMAN MAHON back again, PARNELL having elected him for Carlow County. The old boy as young as ever, and full of reminiscences of his early Parliamentary career, which goes back immeasurable distance.

"Ah," he said, looking at the Mace, "there it is agin. I remimber well the afternoon--we always sat in the afternoon thin--when CROMWELL came down, and said, 'Take away that bauble, ye spalpeens, or I'll make it worse for ye.' I was younger then, TOBY me bhoy, indade quite a young man."

Old boy's limp is, I fancy, getting better. He has suffered it for some years now. Seems that one day towards the close of last century BURKE flung dagger on floor of House by way of peroration. Weapon rebounded, and struck The MAHON on the instep. If you step into the lavatory with him, he'll show you the scar.

"A mere thrifle, a mere thrifle, acushla! They were lively bhoys when I was in me proime."

GLADSTONE in fine form and excellent voice. Honoured occasion by donning one of his biggest collars and a new necktie. Curious proof of his persuasiveness how he gradually talked his necktie round till knot rested under left ear. BALFOUR squealed forth his disapprobation for upwards of an hour. Rather a pitiful spectacle, the more so by reason of the contrast.

"He should try to avoid immediately following GLADSTONE," said RANDOLPH, looking down contemptuously at his former friend.

Best speeches after first, _longo intervallo_, were BRADLAUGH'S and ROBERTSON'S, the Scotch Solicitor-General. Conservatives quite forgotten their old animosity to Member for Northampton. As for Parnellites, cheer him madly as they do PARNELL. Certainly BRADLAUGH has acquired House of Commons' manner. Speeches in good style and full of point.

Quite a treat to hear such speech as ROBERTSON'S from Treasury Bench. Mem. for Markiss. Why not double his salary, and let him speak from MATTHEWS'S brief, and, above all, from BALFOUR'S?

_Business done._--Debate on Proclamation of National League.

_Friday._--Amphibious old Warrior, who has been Admiral afloat, Generalissimo ashore, and is now Member for County Carlow, reappeared to-night, and took oath. It was a moving scene. Old veteran got up in rather young-looking costume, light tweed, with white waistcoat, in cut what young beau of twenty might wear.

"Why, Colonel," said CYRIL FLOWER, a judge of these things, "you look younger than ever in your new suit!"

"New, bedad," says The MAHON, "why I had 'em made to go to the wedding of WILLIAM and MARY. All Mimbers of Parliament invoited; special seats in Abbey; and, what's more, a good luncheon at BELLAMY'S. Haven't worn suit lately; thought it would do for this festive occasion."

The MAHON'S advance to table to take oath a triumphal progress. Members on both sides cheered like mad. The Colonel stopped half way, and, facing friends and countrymen, blew them a kiss from tips of fingers. Turning to Ministerialists, who joined in applause he bowed gracefully. Clerks had greatest difficulty in convoying him to SPEAKER'S Chair. Broke away from escort, and shook hands with Old Morality. No joke when The MAHON shakes hands. Pumps away violently for several moments, as if ship were leaking, and all depended on him. Next got hold of BALFOUR, and avenged long woes of Ireland. At last got at SPEAKER. Thought he'd never let go. Pumped away till the SPEAKER had hardly breath to call "Order! order!" Finally flopped himself down next to GLADSTONE, on Front Bench, and gave him fearful shaking up.

This, liveliest episode in debate. Some pretty good speaking, but everyone sick to death of topic.

A little movement of interest when HARTINGTON rose; but happiest moment when bell rang, and Division actually at hand. Business done.--Proclamation of Land League approved.

* * * * *

A SUMMER SOLILOQUY.

_By Jaques Junior._

A bee, or not a bee? That is the question. Whether 'twere better not to mind, and suffer The stings that every summer are our portion, Or take the trouble but to move an arm, And, by opposing, end them. It flies--it creeps, It creeps, perchance it stings! Then comes the rub, When we have shuffled off our clothing. Soft, 'Twas but a bluebottle! How sweet it is To lie like this i' the sun, and think of nought Save how sweet 'tis to lie, and think of nought; And that meseems to many wordy sages Were small refreshment in this windy time. How many are there who do cheat themselves, And with themselves the many, that they are The very vaward leaders of the fray, The lictors of the pomp of intellect. Whereas they are the merest driven spray, The running rabble heralding the march Impelled by what they herald;-- Who ever glance behind to see which way---- Oh, my prophetick soul! my Aunt ELIZA!

[_He is stung_!

* * * * *

IRISH NET PROFIT.

In connection with the establishment, thanks chiefly to the munificence of Lady BURDETT-COUTTS and the Duke of NORFOLK, at Baltimore (Cork) of a New Industrial Fishery School to the end of teaching the fishermen there how to make the most of their hauls, the _Times_, as one example of the need of that instruction for those toilers of the Sea, very justly observes that "their ignorance of the art of curing fish causes them endless loss." The hap of Kill or Cure may be hazarded by physicians, but the practice of fishermen should be to kill and cure too--kill first and cure afterwards. Sure, no Irishman can fail to see the force of that. An Irish peasant sometimes when his pig is poorly, kills the animal, as he says, to save its life, whereby, of course, he means, to save his bacon. Fishermen should be up to curing all fish that are curable--except--they are not bootmakers--the cure of soles!

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--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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Transcriber's Note:

Missing and illegible/damaged punctuation has been repaired.

Page 100: 'delighful' corrected to 'delightful'. [Miss LOUISA METTERBRUN said something delightful to him the other day at dinner.]

Page 105: repeated 'if' corrected to 'it'. [...specially if it be rough,]

Page 105: eat [sic] ...where the hyæna got loose and eat thirteen half-crown breakfasts...

...As it was a letter from a reader, 'eat' may have been his manner of speech; therefore, I have left it as such.