Chapter 3

Well, the Bulgar boy persisting still in making his own game, The Bear assumes a sternness it is difficult to blame, From the Bruin point of view, at least, for strength must be put forth Now and then, e'en by a (so-called) Divine Figure from the North. And so Bruin rears his carcase, and his sanctimonious "mug," Takes a menacing expression, "Come," he cries, "into my hug, And be happy, naughty Bulgar boy; what _can_ you have to fear?" And the rest of the Menagerie of Europe say, "Hear! hear!"

But like another "little boy," of whom you may have heard, With a cabalistic action as discourteous as absurd, (The Bulgar boy maintains it means no more than prudent doubt) He "puts his thumb unto his nose, and spreads his fingers out."

Now whether Bear will bear it, after all his love and care, Or whether that small Bulgar boy will cave in to the Bear, And how those Birds, the Eagles and the Bubblyjock, will turn, Are questions none can answer now; but he who lives will learn.

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Illustration: COSTUMES FOR THE RECESS.

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(NOT SO) BAD HOMBURG.

TRAVEL NOTES, FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

_Homburg, Monday._--GEORGE TREVELYAN once told me that his eminent Uncle, having gone all abroad to Dieppe, wrote to his sister, describing voyage from Dover by five groans. Our journey from Dover to Calais might be described by five smiles. Sea not absolutely calm; but dancing waves, curling in sunlight, nothing to _Victoria_--not our Gracious Sovereign, but Queen of L. C. & D.'s fleet. Made passage smoothly and swiftly in little over hour. Railway journey hither, by Brussels and Coblenz, pretty fair for _le Continong_, but not a patch on the L. C. D. Express from Victoria Station to Dover. They manage some things better abroad; certainly not express trains or express boats.

Arrived here to find it raining in torrents. Everybody said it hadn't rained for two months before. Glad to hear this, but didn't keep us dry. Rain only just commenced; all the shops and doorways thronged with people, in full summer costume; not an umbrella among twenty; forgotten what rain was like; now forcibly reminded of its peculiarities. With intermission of one full day, and occasional hours, been raining ever since. If it must rain, Homburg as good a place to be in as most public haunts; lies within narrow compass; soil rapidly absorbent; if it rains in torrents at ten o'clock, and sun afterwards comes out, roadways dry by noon. Then there is the Kurhaus always open; palatial building, not to be outdone in size and beauty by Casino at Monte Carlo; but sound of roulette tablets silent. The "game is made" for ever; _on ne va plus_. Sometimes, on wet afternoons, there is found in the lofty, and otherwise cool room, one or two elderly gentlemen, who play doleful game of _ecarte_, poor shivering ghosts of departed gamesters. Gambling played out, but there remain the magnificent halls. The Ball-room still used, the music on the Terrace still listened to, the banqueting-hall still crowded, and the gardens still glowing with roses, and shaded by lindens. Only disappointed gamesters who call the place Bad Homburgs; even with the rain, it is not so bad after all.

By the way, talking of nature of soil, a dog I met here drawing milk-cart, told me curious story. Homburg resorted to by invalids of both sexes and all conditions; take the waters inside and out; but my friend told me of another cure not less remarkable. Soil of Homburg composed of Fuller's-earth, warranted to absorb superfluous grease from cloth substances. Obese Englishman hearing this on arrival, asked why this quality should be confined to application to cloth? if Fuller's-earth took superfluous fat from piece of cloth, why not from body of stout Englishman? Decided to solve question; dug hole in back-garden; lay in it for twenty minutes with loose soil shovelled over him up to chin; repeated bath on alternate days for three weeks; end of first week hole too roomy; end of second week had to be further filled in; end of third week his clothes no use to him; had to lie in bed for three days whilst re-fitted. Went home quite a slim person.

Prince of WALES still here when I arrived. Been the lifes and souls of the party for nearly three weeks. "You here, TOBY?" says he, when we met on first morning; "is House up, then?" "Not yet, Sir; but _I_'ve been all night. Doctor ordered me to be here at seven in morning; this an immaterial extension to us who have been sitting up at Westminster every night of week till three or four in morning. So had all-night sitting, and here I am punctually at seven o'clock."

Don't see how I'm going to keep it up though, through three weeks; must find some other way of getting up at half-past six. Can't imagine how H.R.H. does it; but here he is every morning at seven o'clock, taking his glasses of water with the rest of the "patients," and going the regulation walk in the intervals. For an invalid, looks uncommonly robust; does his final four miles well within the hour.

_Saturday._--Rain again, but really so occupied with cure that haven't time to notice it, and certainly can't let it interfere with Doctor's orders. No more all-night sittings now. End of third went off to sleep at noon after bath. Didn't wake till six next morning, just in time to dress and down to Elizabeth Well with the rest. Found this much better arrangement. So now go to bed about nine in the afternoon; get up at 6.30 in dead of night. Arrived at Well, take glass of water, then march up and down for fifteen minutes by Homburg clock. Another glass and another fifteen minutes; a third glass, and hour's walk; after which allowed to totter home, and breakfast. Amount of things you are not to eat and drink amazing; some of them never tasted in my life; now strongly tempted. But hotels under sceptre of Doctor DEETZ. He watches unseen over _table d'hote_, and prevents most nice things from coming to dinner.

After breakfast (bread, tea, or coffee, no butter, much less mild breakfast bacon), bath on alternate days, between eleven and noon. Something like a bath; on first investigation, seems bottomless; but plummet reaches conclusion at last. Here sit up to the chin for twenty minutes, shivering at thought of what would happen supposing bath sprang a leak. Luncheon at one, strictly supervised; between three and five, more tumblers of water at another Well, with more vigorous walks round and round, as if you were looking for the Post Office, couldn't find it, and began to feel certain you would miss the next despatch. Dinner at six, with the shadow of the good Doctor DEETZ pervading the place, and ordering off all the toothsome dishes. Afterwards a stroll in the Kurhaus, where the band is playing, and men, maids, and matrons, not all quite so young as they were, chatter and flirt.

Such is our life in Homburg, enlivened, about a fortnight ago, by great scandal, which wild horses shall not drag from me. But ask any lady fresh from Homburg. Will, at first, say, "No, she really can't; too painful," and so on. But _apres, le deluge_ of confidence.

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SOME NOTES AT STARMOUTH.

In Professor SKITTLES' chair--with the sun in my eyes. He has not begun to read my character yet; he is still measuring--with tape this time. I must say he takes great pains. Blazer contingent has moved up closer; they pretend to recognise me as "Cousin BILL." Take no notice of them--try to fix my thoughts far away--on ETHEL DERING. How pretty she looked that night! Wonder, if I had plucked up my courage and spoken, whether she might not have----However, I didn't, and she couldn't. How full is life of these missed opportunities! ("You're leaving out his nose, Guv'nor!" from a Blazer, and giggles from idiotic girls in front.) I feel very forlorn and friendless up here. Professor has finished measuring, and is preparing to "delineate" me.

Cross my legs, and compose myself to listen seriously. ("Cheer up, Sir; he'll tell you when he's going to 'urt you!" _yelps a beast in the background_.)

"Here we 'ave a gentleman," says the Professor, passing his hand along the top of my head, "in some respects rather a contrast to our last subject." (_I should hope so, indeed!_) "This gentleman's 'ed is the second largest we have had under examination to-day." ("'Ear-'ear!" _from the Blazers, and a meaningless suggestion that I should_ "make a good 'atter!") "His Mental Brain is scarcely so large as we might expect; in fact, if the development of the lower brain were in proportion, we should find the gentleman--well, I _was_ going to say, an idiot. Fortunately the brain, though not tall, is wide. He has Firmness, Energy, and what we call Driving Power, very large. This is a very curious gentleman"--("Oughter be stuffed!" _puts in a ruffian, and everybody laughs--even the Professor--confound him!--smiles indulgently_.) "He likes to go everywhere, and see everything. He can sit down to a good dinner, and enjoy it." (_Shouldn't have thought that a rare characteristic--but it delights the audience._) "His Self-Esteem is large." (_There he is quite wrong--I haven't nearly_ enough!) "Acquisitiveness also large; this gentleman believes in getting the full value for his money." (_Don't believe I shall get it here, at all events!_) "He is very cheerful and social." ("Don't he _look_ it, too!" _from a Blazer, and, of course, roars of laughter._) "In fact, if he were a little _less_ social, it would be better." (_This to me--who have come down here for absolute seclusion. This Professor is a fool!_) "He will be fond of his children and of his wife." ("And can't she comb his 'air for him!" _from the usual quarter_. _I am a bachelor, and this sort of thing is getting scandalous._) Professor says, "I must appeal to this gentleman's friends"--(_this gentleman's "friends!"_)--"to keep a little more quiet while we are delineating. There is very small Eventuality--we should like to see a little more Eventuality--he must try to cultivate his Eventuality." (_Indeed? Perhaps he will kindly tell me how I am to set about it!_) "Approbativeness large; so we shall see him very anxious to gain the good opinion of others." (_When I don't care a straw what people say of me! Phrenology is bosh--absolute bosh!_) "Destructiveness small; this is not a gentleman who will do very much damage." (_Sighs of mock relief from Blazers._) "Nor is he, we should find, particularly combative." ... ("You 'aven't seen 'im of a Saturday night," _interrupts some vulgar brute_.) Psha!--I won't listen; regard the audience with calm reproach. What a face that is on the second bench! what a pair of brown eyes!--kind of eyes _Juliet_ must have had. ETHEL'S are light grey--what a serious, simple expression! She is not giggling, like all those fools--I could almost fancy she feels for me. How superior she seems to all the rest. ETHEL DERING herself could not look more exquisitely out of place. In fact, I am not sure that ETHEL would keep her countenance so well as this girl, who is bending forward with parted lips, and that sweet, interested light in her eyes.... I am getting sentimental. Was _Romeo_ ever "delineated"? Professor is summing me up--I may as well listen.

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Illustration: July yet.

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Illustration: Row me O!

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Illustration: "Parting is such sweet sorrow." _Shakspeare._

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Illustration: "Here's for thy panes." _Shakspeare._

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"This is a gentleman of excellent business ability, and I should say he would be perfectly capable of managing a tolerably large business concern." ("Then how was it he got the sack from the 'am-and-beef shop?" _inquired one of the pests_.) "He is pushing and energetic, and he would get on well--even in a 'olesale business." (_He is growing absolutely fulsome!_) "If in business for himself, we shall not find him in a hurry to shut up his shop exactly at the hour of closing, if he thinks he could make more by keeping open a little longer." (_Considering that I am in Government employ, with a decided leaning to literary pursuits, which has not, as yet, met with much support--this is rather too much, but it would be snobbish, perhaps, to say anything._) "I may add," concludes the Professor, with the air of a man who is conceding somewhat, "that this gentleman would be qualified to succeed, would do very well, as an artistic decorator. Are there any questions you would like to ask?"

Not after that--no, none; I haven't the heart to ask him if he thinks I could write even a creditable Nautical Drama! Besides, my faith in Phrenology is shaken. Let me get away--out of sight and hearing of these infernal Blazers.

Rise and leave with ironical dignity. Professor calls me back--thinks I forgot to pay my shilling. Annoying, because it _had_ escaped me. "You didn't tell us he had a bump for bilking!" jeers a fiend--"bilking," I believe, is 'Arryan for going away without paying. Ironical dignity a failure. "Will I pay half-a-crown extra, and have a written report of my character?" I will _not_. Blazers seem sorry to part with me.

_Afternoon._--Too much depressed to work at Drama. Sands again. Crowd--Conjuror. I shall see this time. "I want a soft gentleman's hat," he says, suddenly. "Do you mind?" He takes mine--the crowd roar. "Will I assist him in this trick?" I did not mean to catch his eye--but I don't like to be disobliging.

I am in the centre with the Conjuror. "May he do what he pleases with my hat?" "By all means," I say, graciously. Then he'll _keep_ it, he says. Childish joke that! "You're quite sure there's no hole in it?" he asks. I am not, I tell him, in the habit of wearing a hat with a hole in it. "Ain't you really? how do you get your head in?" he retorts, sharply. Very old--but Starmouth people easily amused.

"Do I ever toss for drinks?" No, I do not. Then he will show me how to do so, and win every time. He tosses up a penny on the little table, and covers it with my hat. "Which do I think it is?" I say heads--to please him. Again. "Now, Sir, heads or tails?" I happen to have seen it fall head uppermost--but no doubt he has manipulated it some way--if I say tails, he will look rather foolish. Tails, then. Will I lift my hat? I do--a _guinea-pig!_ Renewed roars. I ought to be above feeling annoyed at this tomfoolery--but these conjuring fellows go too far.

_Evening,_--On Pier. Military Band. Bazaar: ladies and children touting for it. Wonder whether my "Firmness" is as large as Professor SKITTLES declared.--Because I certainly never _intended_ to buy a box of cracker-bonbons, or a basket of ripe tomatoes--and yet here I am, carrying them about! And when I took a ticket for a raffle, I hardly counted upon winning this particularly gaudy sofa-cushion. Clergyman wants to sell me a very small plumcake, only three shillings.... I find I _can_ be firm after all.

The girl with the brown eyes is on the pier, too, with a stout respectable old female--probably her maid. I think they recognise me as the victim of Phrenology; they glance at me with interest. Ah me! I wish--I wish, but what is the use of wishing?

In the Bazaar again. Young lady proposes to tell me my fortune for a penny, with a revolving card. I am in a superstitious mood--I want encouraging. She spins the card; the dial indicates, as she informs me, with unnecessary glee, "You spend your time in trifles."--Is a Nautical Drama a "trifle," I should like to know? I can't be quite the thing, for this incident affects me almost to tears. I have had a depressing day. Bed in low spirits.

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