Chapter 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL. 93

SEPTEMBER 24, 1887.

Illustration: RECORD OF THE SESSION--422.

AKERS-DOUGLAS } COLONEL WALROND } Dead Heat. BARON HENRY DE WORMS }

* * * * *

SALUBRITIES ABROAD.

_Royat Improved._--I have said Royat ought to be rebuilt. The Grand Hotel is of a sort of Doll's House order of architecture, splendid front, no depth to speak of, and built on so steep an ascent that it is hoisted up at the back like a lady's skirt by a dress-improver. _Beau site_ all the same, and magnificent view.

* * * * *

Last year the Hotel Continental formed part of a group of hotels--which seemed to have been the result of some violent volcanic eruption, when the mountain threw up several hotels, and left them there anyhow--is at present separated from the Splendide and its other former companions by an impromptu wall, and from all its front windows it commands varied, beautiful, and, on the Clermont-Ferrand side, extensive views. It has a pleasant garden, a most enjoyable terrace, and it only wants to be in the hands of a firmly fixed and intelligent management to make it quite the best hotel in Royat. "Personally recommended," that is, as managed under the direction of M. HALL this year.

The service at the _Etablissement de Bains_ is about as good as it can be. There are, however, no _bains de luxe_. A few of these would attract those "whom" as the appeals to the charitable used to have it, "Providence has blessed with affluence."

"La Compagnie Brocard," which manages Royat's bathing arrangements and undertakes a portion of the mild yet (to my mind as a serious bather) sufficient amusements, is not, unfortunately for the public, in accord with M. SAMIE, the spirited Proprietor of an opposition Casino, where there is a small theatre, in its way a perfect gem. Here all the "Stars" of any magnitude make their appearance on visiting Royat. As a "Baigneur de Royat" puts it, in a local journal, the Compagnie Brocard cannot consider their stuffy little room ("_le petit etouffoir_") where theatrical performances are given as a real theatre. It is a pity that M. SAMIE and La Compagnie Brocard cannot, like the "birds in their little nests," agree. But as to Theatres and spectacles, my rule at Royat, or at any other Water-cure place, would be this:--

"_Any baigneur found out of his hotel or lodgings after 10.15, p.m., shall be arrested, conducted back to his hotel, his number taken, and for the second offence he shall be fined. The fine to go to such objects as the Direction shall determine._"

In short there should be introduced here the English University system of Proctors and bull-dogs.

* * * * *

_Another Rule._--No theatrical entertainment should last more than two hours with _entr'actes_ of seven minutes each. The ventilation of the _salle de spectacle_ should be assured.

* * * * *

If a company wanted to play a piece in four Acts, they must stop here two days; and, if they couldn't do that, then they must begin their performance in the afternoon, have one _entr'acte_ of an hour and a half to allow for dinner, and recommence at eight o'clock. I would discourage all evening indoor entertainments. Music, coffee, _petits chevaux_, M. GUIGNOL'S show, _ombres chinoises_, everything in fact that can be done _al fresco_--(and why not good plays _al fresco_? After the Laboucherian _Midsummer Night's Dream_, at Twickenham, which I am told was perfection)--_cafes chantants_, and so forth, including the "_consommation_ devoutly to be wished," and all the lights out by 9.30. Lights in bedrooms to be extinguished same hour. This rule would mean, Early to bed, and early to rise, and the "_baigneurs_" would receive double the benefit they derive from these places, as now constituted. Life in the open air should be the rule; plenty of exercise, riding and walking, and regular hours for everything for three weeks. The _baigneurs_ to choose their own hours, and be kept to them strictly.

* * * * *

But I have personally no sympathy with the _baigneurs_ who find such a water-cure place as Royat dull. What do they want? If they cannot get on without a sort of continuation of the London Season, let them stay away altogether. Don't let them come and make night hideous with balls, suppers, dances, and won't-go-home-till-morning parties.

* * * * *

The above are my suggestions for the improvement of Royat; and now I go on to La Bourboule, and Mont Dore. By the way, the waters at these places are all supplied, as I am credibly informed, from the same source; but the waters flowing towards La Bourboule and Mont Dore traverse certain _couches_ on their way, and come out arsenical. It is strong drinking at La Bourboule and Mont Dore.

* * * * *

One Joanne Guide introduces you to another Joanne Guide, or a history, you can't help yourself. The Joanne Guides are so united a family, that as soon as any member of it establishes itself on a friendly footing with you, your hand is always in your pocket while you are travelling on that _Guide Joanne's_ account. An insidious tribe: and they make themselves absolutely essential to the traveller's existence and comfort.

* * * * *

Each _Guide Joanne_ tells you about his own country all that is requisite for you to know, and just so much more as inspires you with a thirst for further information. Say for example you see an old Chateau. Let us say _Le Chateau de Jean_. You want to know everything about it. Good. You inquire of the Guide Joanne which professes to show you all over France, and which does it, mind you, in what would be an exhaustive style if it was not written with such an evident eye to the bookselling business. For example suppose you are looking for information about the well-known ancient Chateau de Jean, here is a specimen of what Joanne would say on the subject:--

"_Sur la rive g. (V. ci-dessous B.) restes d'un chateau, style ogival, (mon. hist.,) bati par le celebre Jean Bienconnu-aux-enfants (V. mon. hist, xe et xiie s.), beau portail, jolis details d'architecture (mon. hist.) et en particulier l'appartement dit de la Donzelle toute desespere (pour le visiter, s'addresser au gardien, pourboire), qui a conserve une grande partie de sa decoration originale et de sa peinture (mon. hist. xie). Le donjon renfermait une oubliette profonde nommee DU RAT DEVORANT, qui autrefois servait de grenier au malt (V. mon. hist.). Ascension des Obelisques sur la terrasse (splendide panorama) et belles promenades autour de la petite chapelle dite DU PRETRE CHAUVE. (V. vi. L'ITINERAIRE DU PAYS-DE-BONNES, GUIDE DIAMANT.)_"

* * * * *

AN END OF THE SUMMER.

JUPITER PLUVIUS, Sluicer, full-spout, Downpour diluvious, Pumped on the Drought. Checked, aloud crying, The voice of the Swain; The rootcrops be dying, From long lack of rain!

PLUVIUS poured away, While the wind blew; TONANS, he roared away, Hullaballoo, Kicking up, dweller In quarters on high, He, Cloud Compeller; The Czar of the sky.

Clouds, in convulsion, Or calm, he keeps under; Rules, by compulsion: The reason of thunder. So did he lately Compel them to rise, Piled up in stately Array on the skies.

Castles aerial, Splendid when falls, Sheen on etherial Vapoury halls, Battlements, bartizans, Phantoms of towers, Fenced round with partisans; Cloud-cauliflowers.

Mountainous forms In the realms of felicity, By Jove, to move storms, Fraught with force--electricity, They serve to betoken What mortals may tell; The weather is broken: Summer, farewell!

* * * * *

Light from Wind.

The _Times_ says that experiments are being made at Cap de la Heve, near the mouth of the Seine, on the production of electricity for lighthouse purposes by means of the force obtained by windmills. Light from wind! _Could_ the notion be applied at St. Stephen's? The Session just over has been mainly wind, so exceptionally "ill wind," that it has blown no good to anybody, and most certainly has thrown no "light" on anything. By all means let M. DE L'ANGLE-BEAUMANOIR be empowered to experiment on the windbags of the House of Commons when they next meet.

* * * * *

QUITE ENGLISH.

(_New Version, as Sung by the Comte de Paris._)

Here I come in complete Constitutional coat (That's English, you know; quite English, you know): The type of true Monarchy based on the Vote. (That's English, you know; quite English, you know.) To have a legitimate King on the throne, To make all the Country's best interests his own, Great, grand, patriotic, but _not_ overgrown (That's English, you know; quite English, you know).

_Chorus._

Oh, the things that you see and the things that you hear Are English, you know; quite English, you know. My mind, like my last Manifesto, 'tis clear, Is English, quite English, you know!

Just now a great calm meets the national eyes (That's English, you know; quite English, you know). But imminent perils it cannot disguise (That's English, you know; quite English, you know). We have deserved well of Conservative France; A Monarchy only her bliss can enhance; And now of its nature I'll give you a glance (That's English, you know; quite English, you know).

_Chorus._

The things will much please which you're going to hear (They're English, you know; quite English, you know). Legality banished must soon reappear (That's English, quite English, you know).

What one Congress does can't another undo? (That's English, you know; quite English, you know.) The _Eternal_ Republic has gone all askew (Not English, you know; not English you know). 'Twill presently get quite incurably queer, And _then_ will the Monarchy promptly appear. I fancy myself that the moment is near. (That's English, you know; quite English, you know.)

_Chorus._

Mark the things which you see and the things which you hear (That's English, you know; quite English, you know). There's nothing that's solid or stable, I fear (That's English, quite English, you know.)

Direct, universal, free suffrage, my friends, (That's English, you know; quite English, you know). Will vote--well for Me, and all trouble then ends (That's English, you know; quite English, you know). The King, with the Chamber's concurrence, will rule. The Deputies then can no more play the fool,-- CLEMENCEAU, BOULANGER, and men of that school (That's English, you know; quite English, you know).

_Chorus._

Heed the things which you see and the things you now hear (That's English, you know; quite English, you know). Economy, Order, and Justice _sans_ fear! (They're English; quite English, you know!)

The Soldier and Citizen then will agree, (That's English, you know; quite English, you know,) The Press and the Priesthood alike will be free (That's English, you know; quite English, you know). Then will France to her ancient pre-eminence rise; The German will watch her with reverent eyes; All the Powers rush forward to be her allies (_That's_ French, you know; _very_ French, you know).

_Chorus._

These things you shall see which you now only hear (That's certain you know; quite certain, you know): If only you'll let my new System appear. (That's English; quite English, you know!)

Constitutional principles, these, my good friend! (They're English, you know; quite English, you know)-- They Conservative needs and Equality blend, (That's English, you know; quite English, you know). _Do_ at my new Royal rig-out take a glance! In this to the front I shall proudly advance, As the true King of all, and first Servant of France, (But English, you know; quite English, you know).

_Chorus._

The things which I say it is time you should hear (They're English, you know; quite English, you know). The principles these to make France without peer (Though they're English; quite English, you know)!

* * * * *

Illustration: THE STATE OF THE GAME.

_Lady Customer._ "HOW MUCH ARE GROUSE TO-DAY, MR. JIBLETS?"

_Poulterer._ "TWELVE SHILLINGS A BRACE, MA'AM. SHALL I SEND THEM----"

_Lady Customer._ "NO, YOU NEED NOT SEND THEM. MY HUSBAND'S OUT GROUSE-SHOOTING, AND HE'LL CALL FOR THEM AS HE COMES HOME!!"

* * * * *

Aphorism.

(_By a Snubbed Poet._)

"A Thing of Beauty is a joy for ever;" Except a pretty girl, who thinks she's clever.

* * * * *

NOMENCLATURE.--Somebody calls the "Thunderer's" daily fulmination against Mr. GLADSTONE an _ignis fatuus_, or foolish fire of Party journalism. Would not "Whip poor Will" be a more suitable title?

* * * * *

MEM. FROM DERBYSHIRE.--The real "Lovers' Leap"--Marriage.

* * * * *

ALL IN PLAY.

MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,

I have seen _The Barrister_ at the Comedy, and want to see him again, because he is a most amusing gentleman and figures in a case full of good things. There are two authors--as there should be--a Leader and his Junior. Mr. GEORGE MANVILLE FENN (a very excellent novelist) is the "silk," and he has for his junior Mr. DARNLEY. This latter gentleman be it understood, represents only the best kind of "stuff," for the play is good throughout. It is in three Acts, and there is not a dull moment from commencement to finish. I do not feel equal to describing the plot, which is bustling and clever, nor to jotting down the jests which are funny and novel, nor to criticising the acting, which is all that it should be. My time was fully employed on the first night, in laughing, an occupation shared by the entire audience. The play was never in danger. There was not a weak spot. No, not even the space covered by Mr. DARNLEY'S moustache. It may be said that an earnest Barrister should be clean shaven, but the remark would only emanate from those who are bachelors. The married advocate has not only to consider his Judge and Jury, but also his wife, and nine times out of ten she combines in her own person the judicial functions with the power of the executive. Where all are good it seems invidious to particularise, but had I to call witnesses for the defence, I think I should choose Miss SUSIE VAUGHAN, and Messrs. MERVIN, CAFFREY AND PRINCE MILLER. Another great merit of _The Barrister_ is that he is closely associated with the word "brief." He makes his appearance every evening at nine and has retired for the night before eleven. I fancy, that unlike many other "gentlemen of the long robe," he will have plenty of work to do during the Long Vacation and after.

* * * * *

Illustration: Winning a Verdict.

* * * * *

Illustration: A Witness for the Defence.

* * * * *

Mr. BEERBOHM TREE, who has become lessee of the Haymarket, has commenced his management by producing a one-act romantic play, called _The Ballad Monger_, a version (capitally adapted by the two WALTERS--POLLOCK and BESANT) of M. THEODORE DE BANVILLE'S _GRINGOIRE_. I remember the same piece was "done into English" some twenty years ago at a Gaiety _matinee_, when the translator, Mr. ALFRED THOMPSON, appeared himself as the principal character, with the probably unlooked-for result of shelving the drama, so far as London was concerned, from that distant date until last Thursday evening. However, the _motif_ of the play is pretty well known. _Gringoire_, a revolutionary "Poet of the People," with the connivance of _Louis the Eleventh_ of France, is induced to recite an anti-Royalist song in His Majesty's presence, and is then promised his forfeited life by the same amiable sovereign if he can woo, and win, a maiden who has never set eyes on him before, within a quarter of an hour. In the scene at the Haymarket a table is discovered spread with a meal (I could not quite make out from the text whether it was intended to represent breakfast, dinner, supper, or tea), including some wine, a few grapes, and a freshly-cooked goose redolent of savoury perfumes. Mr. BEERBOHM TREE is the poet, and were his method of performance only equal to his power of imagination, he would be very good indeed. Unhappily his excellent ideas are not carried fully into action, and consequently, after seeing him for forty minutes, or thereabouts, sniffing at a property goose, staggering about the stage with a wine-cup, and declaiming poetry of unequal merit to Miss MARION TERRY, one feels that the piece could only have "a happy ending" were _Gringoire_ to be carried away for immediate execution. It is a little unfortunate, too, that the maiden to be wooed and won should be the charming actress I have just mentioned. Miss MARION TERRY, in a "piece of absurdity" called _Engaged_, made a great hit some years ago by appearing as a young lady with a chronic appetite for food, that she was for ever seeking to satisfy. Since then I have always looked upon her as one craving for her meals. Consequently when I found her within easy reach of a goose and in an atmosphere of herbs of a savoury character, it seemed unnatural to me that she should deliberately turn her back upon all these good things to listen to Mr. TREE'S poetically (but lengthily) expressed views upon liberty. I could but wonder why her choice had not fallen upon the goose on the table. Mr. BROOKFIELD as _Louis the Eleventh_, incidentally suggests that that wily monarch was guilty of a crime with which he has not hitherto been credited--a proneness to give imitations of Mr. IRVING in the character of _Mephistopheles_. For the rest, the piece itself is most interesting, is capitally staged, and in the subordinate characters, fairly acted. In the _Red Lamp_, which followed the _Ballad Monger_, Mrs. TREE appeared as _Princess Claudia_, the part originally played, and excellently played, by Lady MONCKTON. Although probably accustomed to _roles_ of a lighter kind, she was fairly equal to the occasion. As for her husband, as _Demetrius_, he was simply admirable and inimitable.

* * * * *

Illustration: Beerbohm Tree-son.

* * * * *

Illustration: A Shooting Party in September.

* * * * *

At the Olympic Mr. WILLARD has made his mark as the _Pointsman_. Since this clever actor first attracted attention by his wonderfully striking assumption of a "gentleman-burglar," in one of the earlier successes of Mr. WILSON BARRETT at the Princess's, he has never had so good a chance of showing what he can do in the polished-scoundrelly line. He is the most accomplished murderer on the modern stage, and really, if one were forced to die a violent death, Mr. WILLARD seems to be the individual one would naturally select to perform the necessary, but unpleasant, operation. It does not in the least matter to an Olympic audience how he comes to be the proprietor of a low Thames-side tavern when he seems better qualified to lead a _cotillon_ in quite a fashionable West-End Square. All that is required of him by the Pit and Gallery, ay, and the Private Boxes and Stalls--is to do his little assassinations and kindred villanies in an educated and refined manner that can be appreciated by those who have benefited either from the good offices of the School Board or the careful tuition of the leading Universities. Mr. WILLARD is so good that no one pays particular attention to the efforts to please of his fellow-actors and actresses. The scenery of the _Pointsman_ is sufficiently ingenious to satisfy the cravings for sensation of a typical British audience. The Railway collision worked as a sort of transformation scene,--the interior of a signal-box changes into the site of a fatal accident--creates much enthusiasm, but the winsome if vindictive WILLARD still remains the centre of attraction. In the last Act a good deal of gunpowder is burned advantageously to the simplification of the issue. It is scarcely necessary to say that, when the Curtain falls, what remains of Virtue is triumphant, and all that is left of Vice is on the road to justly merited punishment. _The Pointsman_ is likely to remain on the line of the Olympic bills for many a week to come. I should not be surprised to find him still there at Christmas.

Exhausted with the labour of looking in at all the principal London Theatres,

I have the honour to remain, my dear _Mr. Punch_,

ONE WHO HAS GONE TO PIECES.

* * * * *

A BARR DRINK.

Hooray for the _Thistle!_ Scotch yacht without peer; May she win in her race with the smart _Volunteer_. _Punch_ hopes, Captain BARR, that no "slip" may turn up 'Twixt your lip and the yearned-for American Cup. On both sides the Border we wish you success, And we trust of the race you'll not make a BARR mess. Your health in a cocktail, although you're afar, And we can't call you--yet--an American BARR!

* * * * *

Illustration: INDEPENDENCE.

"I'M AFRAID YOU'VE FALLEN DOWN AND HURT YOURSELF, MY LITTLE MAN!"

"WELL, AND IF I 'AVE, IT AIN'T NONE O' YOUR BUSINESS!"

* * * * *

A REGULAR CELL.