Part 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOLUME 93.

SEPTEMBER 17, 1887.

* * * * *

OUR IGNOBLE SELVES.

(_Lament by a Reader of "Letters to the Papers."_)

OH! bless us and save us! Like men to behave us We Britons once held it our glory; Now Party bids fair to befool and enslave us. We're lost between Liberal and Tory! Some quidnunc inditeth a letter to GLADSTONE, The style of it, "Stand and deliver!" Its speech may be rude, and its tone quite a cad's tone, Its logic may make a man shiver. _Au contraire_ it _may_ be most lucid and modest, In taste and in pertinence equal (Though such a conjunction would be of the oddest), But what, anyhow, is the sequel? Rad papers _all_ cry, "We've once more before us An instance of folly inrushing." Whilst _all_ the Conservative Journals in chorus Declare "it is perfectly crushing!" "Little Pedlington's" snubbed by the Liberal Press, And urged such fool tricks to abandon. Cry Tories, "I guess the Old Man's in a mess, He hasn't a leg left to stand on!" Oh! save us and bless us! The shirt of old Nessus, Was not such a snare to the hero, As poisonous faction. Crass fools we confess us, With sense and with spirit at zero. If thus we comport us like blind sprawling kittens, Or pitiful partisan poodles, 'Twill prove Party makes e'en of freeminded Britons, A race of incontinent noodles!

* * * * *

"TO TEAPOT BAY AND BACK."

LONDONERS who like but are weary of the attractions of Eastend-on-Mud, and want a change, can scarcely do better than spend twenty-four hours in that rising watering-place Teapot Bay. I say advisedly "rising," because the operation has been going on for more than forty years. In these very pages a description of the "juvenile town," appeared nearly half a century ago. Then it was said that the place was "so infantine that many of the houses were not out of their scaffold-poles, whilst others had not yet cut their windows," and the place has been growing ever since--but very gradually. The "ground plan of the High Street" of those days would still be useful as a guide, although it is only fair to say that several of the fields then occupied by cabbages are now to some extent covered with empty villas labelled "To Let." In the past the High Street was intersected by roads described as "a street, half houses, half potatoes," "a street apparently doing a good stroke of business," "a street, but no houses," "a street indigent, but houseless," "a street which appears to have been nipped in the kitchens," "a street thickly populated with three inhabitants," and last but not least, "a street in such a flourishing condition that it has started a boarding-house and seminary." The present condition of Teapot Bay is much the same--the roads running between two lines of cellars (contributions to houses that have yet to be built) are numerous and testify to good intentions never fulfilled. There is the same meaningless tower with a small illuminated clock at the top of it, and if the pier is not quite so long as it was thirty or forty years ago, it still seems to be occupying the same site.

The means of getting to Teapot Bay is by railway. Although no doubt numbered amongst the cheap and picturesque routes for tourists, the place is apparently considered by the authorities as more or less of a joke. Margate, Ramsgate, Westgate and Broadstairs, are taken _au serieux_, and have trains which keep their time; but Teapot Bay, seemingly, is looked upon as a legitimate excuse for laughter. If two trains are fixed to start at 12, and 12.30, the twelve o'clock train will leave at 12.30, and the 12.30 at 1. The authorities endeavour to have a train in hand at the end of the day, and I fancy are generally successful in carrying out their intentions. But between London and Teapot Bay there are many slippery carriages, which stop at various Junctions, and refuse to go any further in the required direction. When this happens, the weary traveller has to descend, cross a platform, and try another line. If he is a man of determination, and is not easily disheartened, nine times out of ten he ultimately reaches Teapot Bay, where his arrival causes more astonishment than gratification.

When I got to this "rising watering-place" the other day, I found an omnibus in waiting, ready to carry me to the town, which is some little distance from the station. We travelled by circular tour, which included a trot through many of the fields of my boyhood, now, alas! potatoless, and covered with weeds! In one of these fields I noticed a canvas booth, three or four flags, and a group of about twenty spectators, inspecting a gentleman in a scarlet coat, mounted on rather a large-boned horse.

"They still have a country-fair here?" I suggested to the person who had collected my sixpence.

"That isn't a fair, Sir--them's the Races," was the reply.

"Not very well attended, I fear?" I observed.

"Better than they was last year--why the whole town has gone to see them this time."

A little later we reached the principal inn of the place, which was described in a local Handbook as "an old-established hotel, but comfortable." Rather, to my annoyance (as I was anxious to preserve my _incognito_), I was received by the landlord with respectful cordiality. "Glad you have honoured us, Sir--proud of your presence."

I made a sign to him not to betray me, and asked for my room.

"Well, Sir, we must put _you_ into the Rotunda."

Again by a gesture inviting silence as to my identity, I mounted a flight of stairs, and found myself in a room that once, I think, must have been entirely arbour. Much of the arbour still remained, but a large slice had been partitioned off affording space for a chimney-piece, two chairs, a washstand and a bed. By opening a window which reached to the ground, I found myself on a balcony covered in with creepers, and beneath which was a gas-lamp labelled "Hotel Tap." In front of me was a field with the foundation (long since completed) for some houses at the end of it. On my left another field in the same state of passive preparation, and on my right a side view of the Ocean. It was growing dark, so after an "old-fashioned but comfortable" dinner, I went out for a stroll.

"Pleased you should honour us," said the landlord, as he opened the door to allow me to pass. Again to my annoyance, as it was vexatious to be thus identified in this out-of-the-way place as one of the celebrities of the hour.

The visitors and other inhabitants of Teapot Bay had returned from the Races, and were walking on the pier listening to the band. The gentlemen were in flannels, the ladies decorated with yards of white ribbon. The band was more select than numerous. Its conductor beat time with his left hand, while with his right he played the "air" of the tune at the moment attracting his attention upon an elaborate instrument that looked like a cross between a clarionet and an old-fashioned brass serpent. There was not much drumming, because the drummer spent nearly all his ample leisure on more or less successful efforts to vend programmes. The band was in a gusty alcove at one end of the pier, a small room covered with placards of a Wizard who, after making the acquaintance of "The Crowned Heads of Europe," was to perform there "to-night," was at the other. Having soon exhausted the pleasure derivable from listening to the band, I sought out the wizard.

"Oh, he ain't going to do it again until next Saturday," was the answer of a little girl who had charge of a turnstile, when I asked for a ticket. "But you can see him then."

I retired. As all the shops (possibly a couple of dozen) were closed, I returned to my hotel--really a very comfortable one. In the morning I thought I would have a sea-bath. There were a few machines, which were manipulated with ropes and windlasses. There was an elderly man in charge, who informed me that he could not lower one of these vehicles until his mate returned.

"Gone to breakfast?" I suggested.

"Breakfast--no one here has time for breakfast!" was the reply.

When I left, the landlord again murmured his thanks for the honour I had done him by patronising his hotel. Still anxious to preserve my _incognito_, in bidding him adieu I begged him not to allow my name to appear in the Visitors' List.

"You may be sure I won't Sir," said he with a bow as he opened the door, and a tip-inviting "boots" put my portmanteau on the omnibus starting for the station,--"_as I don't know it!_"

On the whole I prefer Eastend-on-Mud to Teapot Bay!

* * * * *

A PRETTY CENTENARIAN.

(_Mr. Bull's Song on Miss Columbia's Hundredth Birthday._)

"The chief authorities of the several States of this Union have resolved to celebrate, on the 15th, 16th, and 17th days of September next, at Philadelphia, the first centennial anniversary of the framing of the Constitution of the United States, with military and industrial displays, and with other suitable ceremonies."--_Letter of Invitation to Mr. Gladstone from the Constitutional Centennial Commission._

AIR.--"_I'm getting a Big Boy now._"

YOU have passed through the troubles of national youth, (To have safely survived them's a boon,) You have out your eye-teeth, you look pretty, in truth, But much the reverse of a "spoon." We gaze on you fondly, admiringly, dear; Few traces of age on _your_ brow. A hundred this year? Then it's perfectly clear You are getting a great girl now.

_Chorus._

You are getting a great girl now, And you know it, COLUMBIA, I trow. Philadelphia's "boom" Leaves for doubt little room That you're getting a great girl now.

I feel like Papa, who though elderly's fresh, And with younkers can sympathise still; You are bone of my bone, you are flesh of my flesh, And I bear you the warmest good-will. _My_ centennial dates which have rapidly run, I have given up counting, somehow; Like me, you'll be learning life is not _all_ fun, For you're getting a great girl now.

_Chorus._

You are getting a great girl now. With health and that radiant brow, One hardly would say You're a hundred to-day, Though you're getting a great girl now.

You've gone in for Parties.--my plague, dear, at home; If anyone's sick of 'em _I_ am,-- Your land is so large you need hardly to roam, Yet you're known from St. James's to Siam. We greet you as Cousin, our family throng Is wide, but you're welcome, I vow. Come often, stay long, you can hardly do wrong, Though you're getting a great girl now.

_Chorus._

You are getting a great girl now, The rawness of youth you outgrow. I am proud of your looks, Like your art, and your books; You _are_ getting a great girl now.

To your big birthday party 'twas kind to invite My WILLIAM; I'm sure he'd have come And danced at your ball with the greatest delight, But for years, and some business at home. He's really a marvel, you know, for his age; At your great Philadelphia pow-wow He'd have reeled you off columns of talk, I'll engage, Though he's getting an Old Boy now.

_Chorus._

He's getting an Old Boy now, Yet but for our big Irish row, He'd have come like a shot, And orated a lot, Though he's getting an Old Boy now.

Your health, my COLUMBIA! A hundred? Seems queer! What a sweet Centenarian you make! I suppose it's your fine "Constitution," my dear; Which nothing, I hope, will e'er shake. You have proved you have not only swiftness, but stay; Well, long may you flourish and grow! Many happy--and hearty--returns of the Day! You are getting a great girl now!

_Chorus._

You are getting a great girl now; May you prosper, and keep out of row; Shun bunkum and bawl, All that's shoddy and small, For you're getting a _great_ girl now!

* * * * *

THE FATHER OF THE MAN.

A CASE of some interest to Self-made Men, the conviction of a boy fined half-a-crown for playing, with some other boys, the game of "brag," occasioned Mr. SHIEL, on the Southwark Bench, to observe that "Gambling was the first step towards crime. Boys who began with gambling, very often ended by being thieves." Too often, perhaps, but, it may be hoped, not always. The boy who begins by playing at pitch-and-toss, surely doesn't always grow up to be a man who actually commits manslaughter. He may possibly stop short of larceny, burglary, or housebreaking, and do nothing worse than getting a useless, but not absolutely criminal livelihood, by betting on the Derby and the St. Leger, or speculating on the Stock Exchange.

* * * * *

* * * * *

WORDS IN SEASON.

NEWS are by no means wanting in the newspapers. A surprising telegram from Vienna announces that:--

"A large shark has been captured close to the harbour of Fiume. It is four and a half metres long, and weighs 1,460 kilogrammes. The stomach contained a pair of human feet with the boots on."

The shark with two feet, and boots inside of it to boot, beats JERROLD'S "San Domingo Billy," in _Black Eyed Susan_, with a watch in his maw--whereby hung a yarn. Provincial journals, please copy, and report a jack that was so big as to have swallowed jack-boots. You may calculate that they will go down with some of your readers too. Nothing like leather.

The gooseberry season is over, but if this were the height of it, the prodigious fruit of that family would be unmentionable to any scientific assembly. Nevertheless, Dr. C. FALBERG read a paper to an audience at the British Association upon "Saccharine, the New Sweet Product of Coal Tar," which, in connection with the John Hopkins' University (U.S.) he discovered in 1879. Coal tar has been brought to a pretty pitch. He averred this saccharine to be 250 times sweeter than sugar. Must have used nice means to calculate that quantity of the quality of sweetness. Said it had become an article of commerce--had a large sale in Germany, was perfectly harmless, he had himself used it for nine years, and it produced no injurious effect upon him. Apparently, then, he used to eat it, and if he didn't might have invited his hearers likewise to eat him. This "Saccharine" bears a somewhat long name, which, as it is a commercial article, might perhaps be compendiously replaced with "Sugarine."

The sea-serpent, _Python marinus--Python Ambulatoris_, or _Python Walkerii_--seems not just yet to have been satisfactorily sighted either by sailors or marines. However, he may be expected to turn up again very soon, this time probably coiled in constrictor fashion, as an oceanic ophidian, around a Laocoon or leviathan of a species very like a whale.

* * * * *

The Duke's Motto.

MR. DUKE, Secretary to the Liberal-Unionists, says that they consider Liberal reunion as desirable, but "with one opinion" they decline to do anything until publicly authorised to do so by Lord HARTINGTON and the Liberal-Unionist leaders. This DUKE'S motto is evidently "Ditto to Lord HARTINGTON." DUKE'S "Dittos" may in future pair off with GLADSTONE'S "Items."

* * * * *

A VERY PRETTY TALE BY ANDERSON.

MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,

In producing _The Winter's Tale_ at the Lyceum, that most charming young actress, Miss MARY ANDERSON, deserves well, not only of her country (if she insists upon calling England "abroad," like some of her compatriots), but also of our country, which, I presume, was furthermore the country of her ancestors. If the shade of Master WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE will pardon the liberty, the play is a very good one. It has an interesting plot, with plenty of scope for good acting, good music, and last, and not least, good scenery. Why it should not have been revived before I cannot imagine, unless it be that London theatres have men and not ladies to manage them. Had it been produced in the IRVING _regime_, Miss ELLEN TERRY could have played--and played well--the parts of _Hermione_ and _Perdita_; but I fail to see where the name of the lessee would have come in. _Leontes_ is not a very prominent personage, and even had it been coupled with _Autolycus_, still the demands upon Mr. IRVING'S talent would have been insufficient, not only to please himself, but also (which is of equal importance) to satisfy the audience.

However, when Miss ANDERSON takes the reins of stage management in to her own fair and shapely hands, the necessity of providing for a tragedian of the first class disappears. The "leading man" of her company is Mr. FORBES-ROBERTSON--a most talented person. He can paint pictures, and play remarkably well in certain characters. His _Captain Absolute_ was far from bad, and his _Romeo_ more than good. As _Leontes_ he has a part rather out of his line; but, all things considered, he fills it very well. It may be objected that he is rather effeminate, and that his costume would have been more becoming had he worn what the ladies (I believe) term "half sleeves;" but for all that, his reading of the character was entirely conscientious, if not absolutely right. But naturally the success of Saturday evening was Miss ANDERSON, who was as matronly dignified as _Hermione_, as she was deliciously girlish as _Perdita_. She "looked" both parts to perfection. It may be my fancy, but I imagine she has greatly improved since we saw her last in London. The bass notes of her silvery voice have mellowed, and her attitudes, always graceful, are seemingly now more spontaneous, and consequently more natural. Charming as _Juliet_, she is more charming as _Hermione_, and most charming as _Perdita_. Nothing prettier than her dance in the "Pastoral Scene" has been seen in a London Theatre for many a long year.

And my reference to the "Pastoral Scene," (by Mr. HAWES CRAVEN) recalls the fact to my mind that all the scenery is excellent. The _Palace of Leontes_ by Mr. W. TELBIN, is only equalled by Mr. W. TELBIN'S _Queen's Apartment_, and a wonderful cloth of a roadside with a view of a flock of sheep grazing on the brow of a hill (again by Mr. HAWES CRAVEN, who seems to have become Artist in Ordinary to Arcadia), is not more remarkable than Mr. HANN'S Court of Justice. In the last stage-picture it is possible, but not probable, that the hypercritical might suggest that the accessories are slightly suggestive of a kitchen, on the score that the altar is something like a silver grill, and the Court Herald appears, during a portion of the action of the piece, to be cooking chops. Personally, I think this idea rather far-fetched, although, of course, there is some resemblance (no doubt purely accidental) between the helmets of the soldiers and the brass coal-scuttle of a modern drawing-room. And I will even go further, and admit that, to a careless observer, some of the warriors may appear to be wearing the garb of Harlequin; but when it is hinted that _Leontes_, in his first attitude on his throne, is not unlike a Guy on the Fifth of November, I feel that the wish must be father of the thought, and that the resemblance is purely imaginary.

Leaving the scenery to come to the acting, I may say that the play is generally well cast. Mr. MACLEAN and Mr. CHARLES COLLETTE are both very amusing, the first as _Camillo_, and the last as _Autolycus_, and Mr. GEORGE WARDE is quietly humorous with the baby. When I say quietly humorous, I do not mean that he trenches in the least on the ground occupied by either the Clown of Pantomime or the Clown of SHAKSPEARE. He does not sit upon the infant, or throw it about--no, nor even sing to it a little comic song. He gets all his effects by merely carrying it quietly about, and showing it, with an assumption of gravity that is killing, to Mr. FORBES-ROBERTSON. To turn to the less important characters of the play, Mr. DAVIES as a gaoler suggests that in "those days" prison officials were sometimes whatever happened to be the equivalent of the period to the modern "masher." Miss ZEFFIE TILBURY, Miss HELENA DACRE, and Miss DESMOND ("1st Lady with a song" and gigantic lyre) are all equally good, and even the subordinate female parts have efficient representatives.

Returning to the gentlemen (a difficult task when it entails leaving such pleasant company) Mr. F. H. MACKLIN as _Polixenes_ is sufficiently robust in his manly bearing to suggest the necessary contrast with _Leontes_, and Mr. FULLER MELLISH is picturesque, painstaking and conscientious as _Florizel_.

I began with Miss ANDERSON and (much to my regret) I must end with her. She is equally charming as _Hermione_ and _Perdita_. Her cry of horror and dead faint in the Hall of Justice on learning of the loss of _Mamillius_, is one of many points that profoundly impressed the audience, and in her comedy scene with _Polixenes_ in Act I, in which she asks him _a propos_ of _Leontes_, "Was not my lord the verier wag o' the two?" her smiling glance at her sombre lord is simply inimitable. I can quite fancy that _Leontes_ when he saw _Hermione_, and _Florizel Perdita_, must have talked of their condition (allowing for the loss of their hearts) as I describe myself when I assume the signature of

ONE WHO HAS GONE TO PIECES.

* * * * *

A PLEA FOR THE BIRDS.

(_To the Ladies of England._)

Lo! the sea-gulls slowly whirling Over all the silver sea, Where the white-toothed waves are curling, And the winds are blowing free. There's a sound of wild commotion, And the surge is stained with red; Blood incarnadines the ocean, Sweeping round old Flamborough Head.

For the butchers come unheeding All the torture as they slay, Helpless birds left slowly bleeding, When the wings are reft away. There the parent bird is dying, With the crimson on her breast, While her little ones are lying Left to starve in yonder nest.

What dooms all these birds to perish, What sends forth these men to kill, Who can have the hearts that cherish Such designs of doing ill? Sad the answer: English ladies Send those men, to gain each day What for matron and for maid is All the Fashion, so folks say.

Feathers deck the hat and bonnet. Though the plumage seemeth fair, _Punch_, whene'er he looks upon it, Sees that slaughter in the air. Many a fashion gives employment Unto thousands needing bread, This, to add to your enjoyment, Means the dying and the dead.