Part 3

SIR,--Why not paint the whole of London, public buildings and all?--I'm sure they want it. The latter might be done in different colours. St. Paul's, for instance, might be orange, Westminster Abbey pea-green, and the Houses of Parliament a bright blue. If the effect were found unsatisfactory, fresh colours could be tried, until something were hit upon that should be considered suitable. This would afford the additional advantage of providing fresh work for the Unemployed. I don't see what else can be done. Everybody can use a brush, and with a couple, or say, three coats all over the Metropolis, there would be plenty to occupy everybody for the next six months. As to expense, an extra 15s. tacked on to the rates would soon settle that, and I'll be bound there's many a householder willing to face that trifling alternative, together with

Yours, practically, one who takes "THE BULL BY THE HORNS."

SIR,--I cannot but think that, if BUFFALO BILL were to introduce the "Unemployed" into his Show, he would score a big success. The introduction might take the shape of a contest between the "Wild East" and the "Wild West." The former might be armed with brickbats and park-railings, and the latter with their usual weapons; and, were it known that a little genuine blood would be drawn in the entertainment, it might be safely counted on to draw all London. I throw out the suggestion for what it is worth.

Your obedient servant, "A COMMERCIAL WELL-WISHER."

SIR,--As at the present season of the year nothing is more common than to find the stalls of most of the leading West-End theatres empty, a fact which has a very chilling effect on the efforts of the players, why not fill the empty places with the so-called "Unemployed"? A warm bath, a suit of evening clothes, clean shirt, and white tie would instantly fit the veriest outcast that has recently come into collision with the police in Hyde Park or elsewhere, at least outwardly, for the social atmosphere of the place. A central committee might at once be inaugurated for the supply of these necessary preliminaries for admission, and a thousand or two excellent substitutes for the ordinary _habitues_ forthwith launched nightly among what is at the present moment left of the fashionable play-going world in the Metropolis. The advantage would cut both ways. Not only would the Management be blessed by the appearance of a perfectly full house, but the loafers, professional thieves, and ruffians who produced it would, no doubt, endeavour to play up to their clothes and surroundings, and, on receipt of a small retaining-fee of 3s. 6d. a head for their attendance, be proportionately softened and civilised by the process. This, Sir, seems to me a very legitimate, humane, and philosophical method of dealing with the present crisis, and as such I trust it will as powerfully recommend itself to your readers as it has to

Yours thoughtfully, "A PLEASURE-SEEKING SOCIALIST."

SIR,--What are the authorities about that they do not at once embank the river on both sides up to Richmond, and span it with five bridges between this and Gravesend? Then there's the whole of Piccadilly to come down and be rebuilt with the road properly levelled, to say nothing of a great Central Terminus in Soho Square uniting the Midland, North and Great Western, Great Northern with the Great Eastern, and all the Great Southern lines. Add to this, that the entire gas-piping of the Metropolis ought to come up bodily, and make way for the installation of the Electric Light, to say nothing of the fixing in all the leading thoroughfares of overhead railways on the New York principle, and you have enough work at least to begin upon and meet the present crisis. Let the Board of Works and the various Vestries set to work at once, and as soon as Parliament assembles let it be asked to vote Five-hundred Millions towards preliminary expenses. This, Sir, is, I am convinced, the only reasonable and efficient way of dealing with the present unsatisfactory aspect of the labour question. Such is the opinion of

Yours energetically, "A ROUSED ALARMIST."

SIR,--When the Police have fairly and effectually cleared off the loafers, not-do-a-stroke-of-work gentry, and the sedition-mongers, then we can turn our attention to the wants of the genuine Unemployed. Their case is by no means beyond us. It only needs the active and intelligent co-operation among the administrators of charitable funds and agencies, the Poor-Law Authorities, employers of labour, and others, to give immediate and practical effect to the wide-spread sympathy felt for them by all classes of their more fortunate fellow-countrymen, including your quite sober-minded and charitably-disposed Correspondent,

"COMMON SENSE."

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DERBY AND GLADSTONE.

(_A Speech summarised in a Stanza._)

AIR--"_Darby and Joan._"

DERBY, dear, I am old and grey, Fifty-five years since my opening day, "Ins" and "Outs" are for every one As the world goes round. Derby, dear, I must fain admit I've altered my mind, just a little bit. But I learnt freedom's lesson in Forty-five, And I mean to be true to it whilst I'm alive. Always the same, Derby, my own, Always the same Is your old GLADSTONE!

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THE ACTOR'S PROGRESS.

Within the last half-century, the education of actors has advanced in an extraordinary degree, inasmuch as some have been known to take a degree, or try to, at the University. Therefore the following advertisement in the _Era_ will probably cause little surprise:--

WANTED, for La Comedie Anglaise, a Light Comedian, for a few Weeks, while a Member of the Company returns to Oxford to take his degree. Must be a gentleman. Address, &c.

This gentleman, to use the language of the _Era_, seems inclined to "combine leading business with general utility." It is to be hoped he will get his degree, and return to be an ornament to the stage. But if this kind of thing goes on, we shall probably eventually see announced in our theatrical contemporary--"Senior Wrangler and Light Comedian open to engagement in first-class Company."

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"THE REVERSIBLE PEN-CLEANER," recently invented by DE LA RUE & CO., will be most useful to Leader-writers, Politicians, Journalists, and everybody in the habit of using "reversible pens," or pens that can write equally well on both sides. Such pens must occasionally require cleaning; and to be cleaned in this pad they must remain upright.

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"A WINTER'S TALE."--That of poverty and distress, which we must do our best to relieve.

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EUTHANASIA.--In a certain Western newspaper we read the following startling announcement, in relation to the decease of a certain lady whose obituary notice appears in its columns:--

"More or less an invalid for a considerable time past, latterly she has been under the care of Mr. ---- and Mr. ----, and her death was not therefore altogether unexpected."

What a lift for the two Medicos mentioned! They, no doubt, are now blessing that Western Editor for inserting this gratuitous tribute to their curative skill. Their motto for the future should be--"_Removals_ conducted with punctuality and dispatch."

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STUDIES FROM MR. PUNCH'S STUDIO.

NO. XXX.--MR. ALDERMAN SLOCOACH.

What a strange, unreal, almost incomprehensible life must that of a City Alderman be at the present time. Regarded in the light of centuries ago, it all seems in accordance with the fitness of things, and neither ludicrous nor out of place. But now, in these days of earnestness and common sense, what a great sham it seems to the merely superficial observer, and yet, however great an anomaly it may appear, when tested by results it seems to work fairly well.

Suppose we take Mr. Alderman SLOCOACH as an example. He was taken from his warehouse, some years ago, and made an Alderman by the votes of some three or four hundred of the rate-payers of his Ward, the majority of whom knew little or nothing about him, and probably cared less, and in a week or two, he found himself seated on the Magistrate's Bench at Guildhall, to declare the Law, of which he literally knew nothing, and to administer Justice under circumstances so apparently absurd as to be hardly credible. Being probably a conscientious man, and knowing his utter ignorance of the duties that his position demanded of him, what was he to do? What he did was probably the best he could do under the circumstances, and thinking, as he told an old friend with whom he conversed on the matter, that it was better, as err he must, to err on the side of mercy, he made it a point always to consult the Clerk of the Court, and whatever amount of punishment he advised him to inflict, he generally halved it.

Having long since got thoroughly accustomed to the whole matter, and having acquired a certain amount of dignity of demeanour, he is able to go through the wondrous ceremony with comparative ease, but is still greatly troubled with certain qualms of conscience in certain special cases. For instance, when fining a poor working-man five shillings for drunkenness,--he having met an old friend and been persuaded to take more than was good for him,--and that amount probably constituting a full day's income, his thoughts will revert to that particularly jovial banquet with his worshipful Company the previous evening, and whether some one or two of the guests not sufficiently seasoned to these matters, were not quite as guilty as the poor workman he had just fined, and how they would like to have to pay a day's income for this folly, amounting in one case to probably L100! and yet possibly the workman had the better excuse of the two! And then, again, there is that very awkward and puzzling question, that so troubles some of his more conscientious brethren as well as himself, that of punishment for gambling. When inflicting some of those very heavy fines and penalties, which he is told it is his bounden duty to do in the case of betting in public houses, his thoughts must revert to those two most intimate friends of his who are regular visitors at TATTERSALL'S in the height of the racing season; and also to the fact that he himself, as his stock-broker well knows, after leaving the Bench, occasionally wends his way to Capel Court, and buys or sells for the account to very very large amounts; and, though he probably tries his best, as others do, to convince himself that there is no doubt a very great difference between the cases of Mr. BUNG and Mr. TATTERSALL, and between playing cards for half-crowns, and buying or selling L50,000 Consols for the account, it was not until his conscience had lost its natural elasticity that he succeeded, and, even now its twinges are, occasionally, very sharp.

When Alderman SLOCOACH was first elected to his high position, his great delight was to attend at the Old Bailey, and occupy a seat on the judicial Bench, and enjoy the supreme satisfaction of feeling that, without his absolutely useless presence, the whole proceedings must necessarily come to a stand-still, and fond memory still looks back to the occasion on which one of Her MAJESTY'S Judges actually said to him, in quite a friendly manner, "Shall _we_ say twelve or fifteen months, Alderman?" On the other hand, he will probably remember, to his dying day, the look of mingled anger and contempt with which he was received by another of Her MAJESTY'S Judges, of rather irascible temper, when he rushed breathless into Court, having, by his absence, delayed the proceedings for more than an hour.

Naturally, the one particular event to which an Alderman looks forward with the most especial anticipations of honour and renown, is the year of his Mayoralty, when he will have his otherwise humble name associated with those of the famous men who, in very different times to those in which we live, ruled the great City, with courage and discretion.

Much, however, depends upon the public events of his year of office, as to its importance, or want of it, to himself personally, and Mr. Alderman SLOCOACH was not particularly fortunate in that respect. There was no European Monarch on a visit to this country, whom the Corporation was requested by the Government to honour, with the customary satisfactory result to the Lord Mayor of the day; there was no public ceremonial of unusual importance that required the brilliant surroundings of Civic pomp to give it full _eclat_, and as his year of office approached its termination, his solemn look became more solemn, and his hopes evidently grew fainter and fainter. But fortune was kind to him, and a change of Government, which made it desirable to gain the City's sweet voices, brought him the coveted honour.

Like most of his colleagues who have what is technically called "passed the Chair," he takes things very coolly, probably thinking that nothing remains to be done after having passed through such an ordeal. But there is one especial duty still left for Aldermen to perform from which he is seldom absent. They have been deprived of their control over prisons, and of their government of the Royal Hospitals, their control of the Police is almost nominal, but they still have charge of City Lunatics, and it is said that Alderman SLOCOACH is seldom absent from the official visits to them, when the reciprocity of feeling manifested between the poor patients and their visitor is described as quite touching. He is also often seen at City Banquets, and is always quite ready to return thanks for what he calls the Grand Old Corporation, and repeats with painful iteration the old bit of twaddle about the infallibility of Aldermanic judgments and the increasing popularity of their order; but he is wonderfully good-natured, devotes a great deal of time to the gratuitous performance of public duties, assists very efficiently in brightening up many an otherwise dull scene with the brilliancy of his handsome scarlet robe, and would, with his worshipful Brethren, be much missed if deprived of those civic functions that have been performed by them, and such as they, for many centuries past, and which entitle them in all respects to the esteem of their fellow citizens as a trustworthy, sober and honourable body of men.

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IMPERIAL INSTITUTORS.

Sir F. ABEL, the organising Secretary of the Imperial Institute, recently issued a very agreeable and pleasing memorandum to the Chairmen of Provincial Committees and others who have assumed an active part in support of the undertaking. After describing the "large measure of success" that has attended the efforts of the local Committees throughout the country, Sir FREDERICK goes on to say that a "considerable number" of them have "signified their willingness to prolong their operations with the especial object of obtaining additions to the 'Endowment Fund' of the Institute which is about to be created." This is but natural. Taking into consideration the fact that in many quarters a handsome subscription to the funds of the Institute has been regarded as a sure passport to honour, and that the non-distribution of titles right and left among a lot of small provincial celebrities has already occasioned a good deal of heartburning and disappointment, this new lease of life, affording them, as it does, a fresh opportunity of struggling for their much-coveted prize, cannot but be hailed by the yet unsatisfied "Chairmen of Provincial Committees and others" with genuine joy and thankfulness.

That plain Mr. JOHN BOPKINS, or Mr. PETER PICKLETUB, Mayor, should suddenly blossom out into Sir JOHN BOPKINS, and, possibly, Sir PETER PICKLETUB, Bart., would only seem to those indefatigable gentlemen an appropriate finish to their labours in furtherance of the interests of the Institute. Their readiness, therefore, to prolong their operations, as it may be measured by the fact that it will have the special object not only of "procuring additions" to the Endowment Fund, but also of tacking them on to their own names, is likely to be both hearty and enthusiastic. Whether anything will come of their hopeful perseverance, remains to be seen; but it is tolerably certain that if some sort of bureau for the sale of decorations, after the latest French model, could be instituted on this side of the Channel, there would be no lack of clients ready to besiege it. But----we manage these things much better in England.

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When the Deputation waited on him, Mr. MATTHEWS was the "Not-at-Home Secretary." Quite right too.

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NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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Transcriber's Notes

A small number of minor typographical errors have been corrected.