Part 2

If the Salvationist Army processions, with their tambourines, drums, and inharmonious bands, are permitted on Sunday (which English people were wont to observe in peace and quietness), then consistently a Socialist procession must be allowed. And what other processions? Freemasons, Religious Guilds, Clubs,--why should not the members of the Reform, the Athenaeum, the Conservative, the National Liberal, organise processions? Why not the Garrick Club, headed by Mr. HENRY IRVING and Friend TOOLE, with banners emblazoned with playbills? No. "Reform it altogether."

And as to the liberty of out-of-door public meetings. Let Trafalgar Square be explicitly forbidden to these mischievous anarchists, of whom the majority are the dupes and tools of firebrand foreign Communists. Let certain places be allotted to them for "airing their grievances," and let each of these places be at least four miles distant from Charing-Cross. Our Parks are the "Lungs of London," and if these Lungs be congested, the health of London will materially suffer. How many hundreds are now prevented from entering the Parks by the fear of King Mob and his rabble rout? Children and nursery-maids dare not take their recreation in our Parks. Think of that, ye Privates of the Cavalry and Infantry, and to a man you will be the first to declare for the freedom of the Parks. Let one of the first enactments of the next Session be a Bill to Regulate Processions and Out-of-door Meetings. Let it be a liberal measure--in the true sense of liberal; that is, showing due consideration for everybody--and let it come into operation as soon as possible.

PUNCH

* * * * *

KNIGHT THOUGHTS.

Sir HENRY KNIGHT seems to be of opinion that luxurious living, Aldermanic and otherwise, must be a good thing for the poor, because "Money spent in entertainment goes into the pockets of the working classes." If that is so, Dives, in order to benefit Lazarus, can hardly do better than go on faring sumptuously every day. And yet somehow, as a matter of fact, the more Dives feeds the more Lazarus famishes. How is this, O Knight of the Round (Dinner) Table?

"Neither luxury, nor anything else," says the philosophical ex-Lord Mayor, "can be indulged in without purchasing the materials which contribute to or from which the luxury is obtained." _Argal_, the more luxury among the rich the more money in the pockets of the poor. Cheering thought!--for civic _gourmands_ and fashionable fine ladies! Did not a great financier once suggest that England, which fought itself into debt, might drink itself out of it? Here seems to be a chance of eating ourselves out of poverty, of dining ourselves out of destitution. Are there any real "Unemployed" about? Let those who have money spend more of it in "entertainments" and the problem is solved without recourse to Mansion House Funds, Public Works, Eight Hour Movements, or other schemes philanthropical or revolutionary.

KNIGHT'S panacea for poverty, this proposal to cure it by "entertainment," is certainly, in one sense, entertaining. But it is to be feared that it can hardly be entertained.

* * * * *

OUR ADVERTISERS.

INVERTED DOMESTIC AND OTHER.

A GOOD PLAIN MISTRESS WANTED by a competent and highly experienced Cook. Must be a thorough lady, accustomed to making herself generally agreeable, and to not prying into household matters which do not concern her. She will not be expected to visit her own kitchen, inquire into the amount of her own weekly books, keep the key of the beer, or object to the occasional visits of members of the local Police Force, in which the advertiser has several near relatives. A little dinner on a small scale now and then will not be objected to, but seeing much company cannot for a moment be entertained. An unexceptionable character from the three last cooks who have filled the place, indispensable. Apply, M.B. Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W.

***

TRAVELLING NOBLEMAN WANTED. A Courier who has a slight acquaintance with the French and German languages, and wishes to air them in the course of a pleasant and enjoyable little outing, is desirous of meeting with a well-recommended aristocrat of unquestionable antecedents, who wishes to visit the leading towns of the Continent in thoroughly first-class style. The advertiser, who would select the routes, generally direct the character of the tour, and expect to have charge of the cheque-book, would stipulate that under no circumstances should any question be raised on the score of expense. None but Noblemen of a confiding disposition, that can be vouched for by testimonials from their near relatives, need apply. Communicate with A. X., Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W.

***

A REAL GENTLEMAN, who isn't too particular, wanted immediately by a Coachman, who will, when sober, undertake to drive his carriage and pair for him anywhere he likes about the Metropolis, and beyond, without smashing him up. Mustn't be hasty and close over stable expenses. Any quiet old duffer, who has been accustomed to let things go their own way without interfering, preferred. Apply to JEHU, Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W.

***

A LADY OF TITLE WANTED by A COMPANION who would undertake to offer her Society in consideration of sharing the carriage, home, recreations, pleasures, friends, and general social _entourage_ of her employer. As the Advertiser has for some years figured prominently as a garrison hack, and has been somewhat blown upon in consequence, she will not be too particular as to the character of the particular "Set" into which her new surroundings may introduce her; but as she has, by outliving her income, already run through the little money she possessed, she will expect a salary of not less than L100 a year, to enable her to dress up to the false position she has in contemplation to occupy. No recognised old Dowagers, who live a quiet and retired life, need answer this Advertisement. No references expected or offered. N. W., Eligible Family Agency, Walker Street, W.

***

SOFT-HEADED NOBLEMAN OR GENTLEMAN wanted by a shrewd, shifty, pushing, out-at-elbows Adventurer, desirous of filling the post of Private Secretary, and so worming himself into an assured position of intimate family confidence. Would suit a Duke threatened with incipient paralysis. Apply, DIPLOMATICUS, Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W.

***

CHEERFUL AND WILLING MISTRESS WANTED by an Under-Housemaid who wears a fringe and latest form of Dress-Improver, and considers herself generally attractive. State number of Men Servants, and furnish particulars of the sort of society that may be expected down-stairs. Advertiser will expect to receive her own friends on the afternoons of not less than three days in each week. Mistress may refer to servants at present staying in house, who can speak favourably as to her character. Apply, HILDA, Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W.

***

USEFUL AND ACTIVE MISTRESS REQUIRED by a General Servant who will expect her to do her fair share of the work. Master must clean the windows and his own boots, and as advertiser is not an early riser, get up when necessary, and let in the sweeps. Entire Sundays expected out and no interference with visits of the Marine Store Dealer. Character Mutual. S. S. S., Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W.

***

THE ELIGIBLE FAMILY SUPPLY AGENCY undertake to provide exacting and particular modern Domestics with thoroughly satisfactory Masters and Mistresses.

***

THE ELIGIBLE FAMILY SUPPLY AGENCY have at the present moment applications from several Invalid Gentlemen who require care and solicitude, and will be glad to hear from Widows with an eye to the main chance, and "Superior" Housekeepers desirous of getting hold of an unquestionably good thing.

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* * * * *

THE TWO VOICES.

"That this representative body of Working-men, representing the _bona fide_ Unemployed Workmen of the East and South-East of London, beg to place on record their entire want of sympathy, and their utter condemnation of the recent conduct which has been made in the name of the Unemployed."--_Resolution passed at a Meeting of Representative Workmen, held in Whitechapel, for the purpose "of considering the present position of the Unemployed Workmen, and the grave events of last week."_

The Unemployed? Well, here I stand, Have stood for many weary weeks, With sinking heart and idle hand, Hunger's white ensign on my cheeks. I raise no howl Like yon plump ruffian with the bull-dog jowl; But the smug swells, with pleasure's honey cloyed, May see in me the real Unemployed!

Oh, yes! this hand is used to work, The hardness has not left its palm. I'm no black-coated spouting shirk, Like him upon the tub there. Calm? By Heaven, I choke! Could I but fell the gang at one sharp stroke, Ranters who rail, and roughs who watch for spoil, 'Twere one good blow in the true cause of Toil.

How shall I make my poor Voice heard 'Midst this brute shindy, brainless, mad? The slime-deeps of the town are stirred, All that's bloodthirsty, blatant, bad, Comes, surging up; And I--ah! I hang back and drain the cup Of bitter want in silence, blent with shame At this base smirching of a Man's good name.

And then the cynic cacklers crow In their snug cushions; crow and cry: "Oh, the whole thing's a farce, you know. The old sham play of Poverty, Pushed just once more Upon the public boards. An awful bore!" So (whilst we starve) the well-fed idlers scoff At the spoilt tragedy, and cry, "Off! Off!"

Ah! the sleek fops should take a turn At the long, weary foot-sore tramp, In search of work, till sick hearts burn, Till the cold flags or footways damp, Of London seem The endless mazes of some devilish dream, And tempting visions haunt the fevered head, Of the sharp knife-edge or the river's bed.

Wrong? Oh, of course! Our duty lies, In dull endurance to the end. The faces pale, the pleading eyes, Of wife and children, looks that rend A fellow's heart, And make hot curses from his cold lips start, These should not madden men unto the pitch, Of _violent_ despair. So preach the rich!

And yonder yelling fools contrive To lend some truth to Mammon's text. The laziest larrikin alive, With babbling tongue and braid perplext, Can help do _that_; Whilst I?--a broken head or beaten hat Will not so help me in my present state That I should greatly care to "demonstrate."

Only if such a Voice as mine Could penetrate the public ear, Deafened with all this windy shine, And muddled 'twixt contempt and fear; I rather think I would tell some truths might make the scoffers shrink. But _I_ compete with yonder wolf-eyed brute? No; I can easier suffer and stand mute.

If that's a strong, well-ordered state, Where tens of thousands like myself, With willing hands, must starve and wait, Whilst piles of swiftly growing pelf, Sweated from toil, Swell for the lords of capital and soil, Then--you may rear a city on foul slime, And build Society on want and crime.

My Voice! Men will not listen--yet; And when they open ears at last, Bludgeon won't cure, nor bayonet. Meanwhile yon brayer at full blast Belies my cause, 'Midst foolish jeers and foolisher applause; And preachers prose, and statesmen tinker on, And we--we starve in gold-choked Babylon!

* * * * *

"My Nephew, who is very fond of pictures," said Mrs. RAM, "has just purchased the finest Pot o' Jelly I have ever seen." Can it be possible that the dear old lady meant Botticelli?

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* * * * *

VOCES POPULI.

SCENE--_Trafalgar Square. Several thousand loafers and roughs discovered asserting right of free speech, free meeting and free procession. A few hundred genuine artisans out of work standing about moodily. Lines of Policemen drawn up in reserve look on impassively._

_A Lover of Liberty._ As an Englishman, Sir, I'm disgusted--it's _un-English_, that's what it is, "dragooning" an inoffensive assembly like this! I _used_ to think freedom of speech and action was the right of every Briton--but it seems we're to be overawed by the Police now--confounded impertinence on the part of the Government, I call it!

_An Orator (leaping suddenly on parapet)._ Feller Citizens, are you _Men_ that you stand by with folded 'ands, while unlimited food and wealth lays within a stone's throw? I want yer----

_Constables (behind)._ Ah, and we want _you_--off you go!

[_Disappearance of Orator in direction of Police-station._

_Lover of Liberty._ Shame! Is a man to be punished for his opinions? Oh, England, England!

_Person in Search of Sensation (disappointedly)._ Well, there doesn't seem much doing,--so far.

_Squalid Vagabond (recognising_ Stalwart Constable, _whom he has apparently met before in a professional capacity_). 'Ow _are_ yer, pretty bobbish?

[_Nods to show he bears no malice._

_Stalwart C. (good-humouredly)._ I'm much as usual, thankee.

_Companion Constable (to S. C.)._ Well, you _do_ know some rough 'uns, I must say!

_Stalwart C._ Go on--that gentleman's a West-Ender.

_Professional "Hook" (to line of Policemen)._ So _you_'re 'ere, are you? Well, me and my pal must take _our_ little prominade some hother arternoon, that's all!

_Sympathiser (to Loafer)._ And so you've actually been out of employment since last January? Monstrous! The Government ought to find you work!

_Loafer._ Jes' what _I_ say, Guv'nor. Let 'em gimme work, and I'll _do_ it fast enough. _I_ don't want ter be idle. I ain't on'y my one trade to earn my bread by--but I'll work at that, if I'm let!

_Sympathiser._ Exactly, my poor fellow, and what _is_ your trade?

_Loafer._ Why, I'm a skate-fastener, I am; puts on parties' skates for 'em,--and 'ere I am--not 'ad a job for months!

_Truculent Ruffian (to Quiet Observer)._ Hunimployed?

_Quiet Obs._ Yes--at present.

_T. R._ Too many o' them bloomin' Coppers about, to _my_ mind--I'd like to slug the lot--they're the ruin of _our_ bisness!

_Quiet Obs._ Ah, you're right _there_!

_Demagogue (to Police Sergeant)._ Now, don't you interfere--that's all _I_ ask. _I'll_ speak to them--I have them thoroughly in hand just now, but, if you offer them the least opposition, I--(_with much solemnity_) well, I won't be responsible for what happens. (_He is allowed to address the multitude._) Friends, you are met here in this peaceful but imposing manner in the teeth of a brutal and overbearing Constabulary, to show the bloated Capitalists, who are now trembling behind their tills, that we mean to be taken seriously! Yes, in our squalor and our rags----

[_Throws open frock-coat, and displays thick gold watch-chain._

_Mob._ Yah, pitch us over yer red slang! take orf that ere nobby coat! Harristocrat! Yah!

_Dem. (complacently)._ It is true that I myself am not in absolute destitution.--But what of that, my friends? Can I not _feel_----

[_Here a turnip strikes him in the eye. Yells of "Down with him!" "Duck him!" "Spy!" "Traitor!" Mob pulls him down and attempts to take him to pieces._

_Dem. (faintly)._ Here, hi, Policemen, help! Why the devil don't you use your staves? [_Is rescued and assisted home by Police._

_A Rough (to Policeman)._ Keep moving? ah, _I'll_ move! [_Kicks him on the knee-cap. Policeman draws truncheon and hits back._

_Crowd (indignantly)._ Boo! Coward! Strikin' a unarmed man--down with 'im! [_They beat brutal Constable to a jelly._

_The Truculent Ruffian (to Quiet Obs.)_ Are you game for a merry ole lark?

_Quiet Obs._ You _try_ me--that's all!

_T. R._ Then, as them cowards of cops 'ave as much on their 'ands as they kin do with, now's the time for a bit of a loot! Pass the word to them mates o' yourn--"Pall Mall and no tyranny!"

_Quiet Obs._ I've done it--they're only waiting for _you._

_T. R. (suddenly producing red handkerchief)._ There--_now_, boys! "Remember Mitchelstown and no brutal perlice!" Foller me!

_Quiet Obs. (arresting him)._ No, you'll follow us, please--you won't do no good kicking, all right, mates, we've got him.

_T. R._ Oh, please, I didn't know you was a Policeman, Sir, or I shouldn't ha' spoke! Strike me dead I was on'y in fun! (_Whimpers._) And I've a good ole mother at 'ome, Sir.

_The Person in Search of Sensation._ What, another arrest? and simply for showing a red handkerchief! I shall write and describe these atrocities. How abominably these police are behaving--actually defending themselves, the blackguards!

[_A Policeman accidentally lifts his arm, whereupon about fifty youths scurry like rabbits; in the rush, the Person in search of Sensation is hustled and slightly trampled on. He becomes annoyed, and hits out right and left--eventually striking a Constable in his excitement._

_Const. (who has been without sleep for the last two days and has just had his cheek laid open by a stone)._ 'Ere, you come along with me, you're one of the wust, you are!

_The Person._ But I assure you, I just came to see what there was to be seen!

_Const._ Well, you come along with me, and you'll see a Magistrit presently.

[The Person _resists; struggle; arrival of reinforcements; exit party, in "frog's-marching" order, conveying him to fresh sensations._

_The Lover of Liberty (emerging from crush)._ My hat ruined, my coat split down the back, and my watch gone! I _told_ the crowd I was with them heart and soul--and they hit me in the stomach! What do we keep our police _for_, I want to know?

_Professional (emerging in opposite direction)._ Three red clocks, two pusses, and a white slang, I ain't done so dusty! 'Ooray for the right o' Free Meetin', _I_ sez!

_Genuine Unemployed (wearily)._ Well, I dunno as I see what good all this 'ere is a goin' to do _hus_! [_And no more does Mr. Punch._

* * * * *

FROM MR. HENRY IRVING'S NOTE-BOOK.

(_Published without permission._)

_Stratford-on-Avon, October 18._--Speech at the Opening-of-Fountain ceremony went very well. Some distinguished Americans were not there, notably Mr. ABBEY. In consequence, had to omit all reference to "Abbey Thought" and "Fountains Abbey," which, as J. L. T. suggested in his letter, would have lightened the entertainment considerably. Also very annoying, but I never thought of it till too late; I quite forgot to say anything about BUFFALO BILL. CODY will be hurt; but I shall be in America before he gets back there, so it doesn't much matter. Yet it was a chance lost. WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE, WILLIAM CODY, Buffalo BILL, Swan SHAKSPEARE. No matter, keep it for another time. And at the last moment I could not make out what I had written on my wristband as a mem. for speech. It was _a propos_ of Mr. CHILD'S gift. I see now it was something about "Child's the father to the man." And then an allusion to the sympathy between America and England as not being mere "Child's-play." Very odd, how I forgot that. Still, speech couldn't have gone better.

And how on earth I omitted to make any mention of Miss MARY ANDERSON I can't understand! Yet the fact that this fair American is now playing at the Lyceum ought to have stuck in my memory which yet holds its seat in this distracted brain. And, dear me, there was the American Minister present, and yet--bother it!--it never occurred to me, till I was dressing this evening, hours afterwards, that I ought to have remarked on the fact that America was represented here on this special Dramatic occasion by a gentleman bearing a name so honoured alike by English and American actors, and so dear to the theatrical profession as must always be that of "PHELPS." But this will keep, too, for another time. And, after all, in spite of these omissions, which of course nobody noticed, the speech went admirably.

* * * * *

Nottingham v. Sunderland.

"There's _no_ Liberal Party!" cries GRANDOLPH the bold. "Hooray!" shout the Tories, "the straightest of shots!" But the faithful who flock to the G. O. M.'s fold. Say, "Our old party bonds are re-tied now--in _Notts_!"

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THE AXE PREMIER'S AUCTION.

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HINTS FOR THE UNEMPLOYED.

SIR,--Excellent as is the suggestion of your Correspondent, "ONE WHO WOULD ELEVATE THEM," that the Unemployed should be forthwith put into the hands of some competent Ballet-Master, and after a proper course of instruction, despatched to all the Board Schools in England for the purpose of teaching every pupil who has passed the Sixth Standard, dancing and deportment, yet I do not think he goes far enough. Why stop at this comparatively subordinate art? Why not make them musicians, teach them to play WAGNER, and despatch them straightway through the length and breadth of the land as enthusiastic Apostles of the great Master? What a glorious prospect to turn the three or four thousand idle loafers who have lately been hulking about Trafalgar Square for the purpose of breaking the peace, into a mighty army of skilled fiddlers eager to wake the glad strains of the spirit-stirring Music of the Future in every quiet village green through the three Kingdoms. And the accomplishment of such a task need not be set aside as the wild vision of some hopeless dreamer. I am convinced, Sir, that if the authorities of the Royal College and Guildhall School of Music, but set their shoulders to the wheel, the thing will soon be an accomplished fact. Such, Sir, at all events, is the opinion of one who believes firmly in

"THE SOUL OF THE MASSES."