Part 1

Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 93.

October 22nd, 1887.

MR. PUNCH'S MANUAL FOR YOUNG RECITERS.

As has been observed earlier in this series, the Amateur Reciter is influenced by a natural ambition to harrow his audience to the best of his ability.

And, be it said, the average audience is not at all averse to being harrowed--provided this is done with any science and refinement. When persons are met together for social enjoyment, nothing apparently affords them keener pleasure than a performance which produces certain peculiar sensations, such as the feeling of partial want of control over the facial nerves, smarting behind the eyes, increasing obstruction in the throat, and a general conviction that, unless something occurs to make them laugh at once, they will be irresistibly compelled to sob like so many seals. It is, perhaps, a little odd--but the taste exists, and must be taken into account. The sole drawbacks are that, too often, the means adopted to secure the desired result depend more than should be upon sentiment which might almost be described as false; that the incidents occasionally have too little relation to real life; and that, what might have proved eminently touching, is marred by some involuntary association with the ludicrous and grotesque. In his anxiety to preserve his pupils from such pitfalls as these, _Mr. Punch_ offers an example in which the blemishes he has hinted at have been sedulously avoided. It is at once homely, wholesome, and tear-compelling--like the common onion. You will find you produce a favourable impression at once by announcing it as,--

POSITIVELY THE LAST PERFORMANCE!

(_You must come on with a general suggestion in your manner that you are supposed to be the proprietor of an itinerant Cat and Canary Troupe. Begin with a slow and somewhat depressed shake of the head, as if in answer to imaginary inquirer._)

No, we ain't performin' to-day, Sir, and the boys are all on the gape At seem' the mice in mournin', and the cats in chokers o' crape; But I'm giving the Show a rest, d'ye see? for I didn't feel up to the job, (_Pause--then subdued_) For my leadin' comejian's left me, Sir-- (_Explanatory, perceiving you are not understood_)--the brindle kinairy--(_more impatiently_) Bob! What, ye don't remember? (_Surprise._) Not him as wore the toonic o' Turkey red? What rode in a gilded kerridge with a 'at an' plumes on his 'ed? And, as soon as we'd taken a tanner, 'ud fire a saloot from the gun? [_Excitedly._ There was Talent inside o' that bird, there was, or I never see it in one! (_Philosophic bitterness._) Well, he's soon forgot--but I've often thought as a _fish_ keeps longer than Fame! (_Sudden comprehension and restored cordiality._) Oh, ye didn't know him as _Bob_?... I see--no, that were his _private_ name. I used to announce him in public on a more long-winded-er scale-- I christened him "Gineral Moultky," (_apologetically_) which he _'ad_ rather gone at the tail; And a bird more popilar never performed on a peripathetic stage, He was allers sure of a round of applause as soon as he quitted the cage! For he thoroughly hentered into the part he was down for to play, And he never got "fluffy" nor "queered the pitch,"--leastwise, till the hother day. I thought he'd bin hoverexertin' hisself, and 'ud better be out of the bill, But it wasn't till yesterday hevenin I'd any ideer he was _ill_! Then I see he was rough on the top of his 'ed, and his tongue looked dry at the tip, And it dawned on me like a thunderbolt--"Great Evings!" I groaned,--"THE PIP!" (_Pause here, to emphasise the tremendous gravity of this discovery._) Well, I _'ad_ bin trainin' a siskin to hunderstudy the part, (_more ordinary tone for this_) And I sent him on--(_tolerantly_)--which he done his best, but he 'adn't no notion o' _Hart_! So I left the pitch as soon as I could, and (meanin' to make more 'aste) I cut across one o' them buildin' sites as was left a runnin' to waste. There was yawning pits by the flinty road, as rendered the prospeck dull, And 'ere and there a winderless 'ouse, with the look of a grinning skull, (_Try to paint this scene visibly for the audience; background is essential for what is to come._) A storm had bin 'anging about all day (and it _broke_, you'll remember, at last!) So I 'urried on, it was gettin' late--and the Gineral sinking fast! (_You are now approaching the harrowing part, but keep yourself in reserve for the present._) But all on a sudding I 'eard him give a kind of a feeble flap, And I stops, and sez in a 'opeful way, "Why, you're up in yer sterrups, old chap."

(_A bold metapher applied to a bird, but characteristic in the speaker._)

(_Sink your voice._) Then I see by the look of his sorrowful eye he was thinkin': "Afore I go, I'd like to see one performance--for the last--of the dear old Show!"

(_Note, and make your audience feel, the touch of Nature here._)

And I sez, with a ketch in my voice, "You _shall_!" and I whipped the sheet off the board, I stuck up the pair o' trestles, and fastened the tightrope cord; Then I propped the Gineral up in a place from which he could see the 'ole, And I set the tabbies a-sparring, and the mice a-climbing the pole.

(_Build up the whole scene gradually; the dreary neighbourhood, the total absence of bystanders, the lurid threatening sky, and the humble entertainment proceeding in the foreground._)

I put my company through their tricks--and they made my hold eyes dim, For they never performed for no orjence like they did last night for _him_! Them tabbies sparred with a science you'd 'ardly expect from sich, And the mouse (what usually boggles) fetched flags with never no 'itch! Aye, we worked the Show in that lonely place to the sound o' the mutterin' storm, Right through till we come to the finish--the part _he_ used to perform. He was out of the cage in a minnit--egged on by puffessional pride, He pecked that incompitent siskin till he made him stand o' one side! Well, I felt like 'aving a good cry _then_--but the time 'adn't come for that, So I slipped his uniform over his 'ed, and tied on his little cock-hat. [_With great tenderness._ And he set in his tiny kerridge, and was drored along by the mice, A-looking that 'appy and pleased with hisself, I got 'em to do it twice! [_Tone of affectionate retrospection._ The very tabbies they gazed on him then with their heyes dilatin' in haw, As he 'obbled along to the cannon, with the match in his wasted claw! I never 'eard that cannon afore give sech a tremenjious pop-- (_Solemnly._) And a peal o' thunder responded, as seemed all over the shop! For a second Bob stood in the lightning, so noble, and bold, and big;-- Then ... a stagger ... a flutter ... a broken chirp--(_you can add immensely to the effect here by a little appropriate action. Pause,and give time for a solemn hush to fall upon the audience, then, with a forced calm, as if you were doing violence to your own feelings_)--he was orf, Sir,--(_a slight gulp_)--he'd 'opped the twig!

(_Second Pause: then more briskly, but still with strong emotion to the close_)

So now you've the hexplanation of the crape round the tabbies' necks, And kin understand why we close to-day "in token of our respecks."

* * * * *

The time has now come for _Mr. Punch_ to bid his pupils farewell, which he does with a pleasure that he has some reason to hope will be not unreciprocated. During the few months over which this course has extended, he has made it his aim to furnish the young carpet-knight for the fray as completely as possible, and, if the Amateur Reciter be not (as some hold) already invulnerable, the panoply of pieces with which he has been armed here should go far to render him so.

All _Mr. Punch_ would ask in return is that, when any one of his young friends is retiring, flushed with triumph, amidst an intoxicating murmur of faint applause and renewed conversation, after delivering some composition of his Preceptor's, he will not suffer himself to be completely dazzled by success, but will remember the means which have contributed thereto with such gratitude as he may be able to command.

* * * * *

"DISCOVERIES AT POMPEII."--Under this heading we read in the _Times_ that four silver urns of fair size were found, also four smaller vessels, eight open vases, four cups ornamented with leaves, &c. "Urns" for hot water: "smaller vessels," tea-pots; "eight open vases," sugar-basins; "four cups," tea-cups, "ornamented with leaves,"--very fanciful design, probably tea-leaves,--and there we have before us "Five o'clock Tea, as known to the Ladies of Pompeii."

* * * * *

THE LEGION OF DISHONOUR.

_The Modern Autolycus sings_:--

When parvenus begin to peer, With heigh! the ribbon on the coat! Why, then the love of rank shines clear, In base-blood, spite of the People's vote.

The medal gleaming on the breast! With heigh! the red coins how they ring! The Citizens clamour with eager zest, Despite their hate of crown and king!

The _bourgeois_ soul star-honours wants, With heigh! the peacock-aping jay! The hunger for honours finds singular haunts, Their sale is a traffic that's bound to pay.

I have served Princes, and, in my time, worn Imperial livery, but now I am in the Republic's service.

But shall I mourn for that, or fear? Gold glitters, silver's bright, And decorations not _too_ dear Citizen-souls delight.

If pedlars may have leave to live, Though "honours" cram their budget, A good account I yet may give; If caught,--I can but trudge it!

Ribbons of all colours, lo! Crosses--mark their gleam and glow! Blue as violets, red as roses, Buy them swift whilst power dozes! Decorated thus you'll clamber To court-height or lady's chamber. Golden talismans are these. _Parvenus_ may pass with ease With these gauds to heights the leal Buy with brain or stainless steel. Come buy of me, come buy, come buy! Cheap "honours" now is all the cry! Buy ribbons--like tape, Blue blood you may ape, They're dainty, and not too dear-a! With peers you may tread, Yet hold up your head, They're the newest and finest of wear-a! Come to the pedlar, Money's a meddler, That gets _all_ men by the ear-a!

[_Has HIS ear suddenly pulled by Madame La Republique._

* * * * *

* * * * *

ROBERT ON SPELLING.

I've bin informed, on such orthority as I carnt for a moment dout, wiz., Professor BASSINGHAM of the White Cross Brigade, that a cumpany has bin formed in Amerrikey to perswade hewerybody as writes English to spell it as I does. I never knowd afore but what I spelt my spelling like other littery gennelmen, but I'm told now that I don't, but that I spells it more nateral like, and so it appears that after about 2 years thinkin of it over, the gratest Orthers in Amerrykey has all resolved to follow my nobel xample and do as I does, as neer as they can git to it. So they has formed theirselves into the "Spelling Reform Association," and has got a Presedent, and Wise Presidents, and a Counsel, and a Seketerry, and all the blooming luxurys of a rich Cumpany, and has jest published their fust Number and charges fore shillins for it, as I nose to my corst, cos I've jest bin and bort one.

Well, having jest a lezzure hour or 2, I've bin a trying to read my noo book, witch is suttenly to me a dear book, but I greeves to say as I don't find werry much in it, as I understands. They suttenly uses sum werry powerful words, and sez sum werry powerful things, and tries their werry best to spell like me, but I don't think as I can troothfully say as they always suckeeds. They spels _hed_ like me, and _helth_, and _dropt_, and _enuf_; but who ever seed me use sitch words as _thru_, or _cof_, or _thuro_, or _tuf_, or _ughly_?

Professor CHADBAND, L.L.D., says that "our senseless spelling makes him ashamed of his language, and yet thru habit he continues it." DAVID D. FIELD, L.L.D., of New York, talks of our Nobel English Tung "being disfigured," and says I ought to be haild as a deliverer!

Professor HADLEY says, "our language is shockingly speld." Lord LYTTON says, "it is a lying round-about puzl-heded delusion!" and our own heloqwent Sir C. E. TREVELYAN, K.C.B., says, "it is a labyrinth, a chaos, an absurdity, and a disgrace!" and the Hedditer of the book winds it all up by saying that "it is the wurst there is!" Poor old English Langwidge! I ony wonders how SHAKESPEAR and MILTON, and BURNS managed to get on with it, tho suttenly BURNS was a dredful bad speller. Why he used to spell "who" _wha_, and "have" _hae_, and "whom" _wham_! But then he was only a poor plowman, and not an Hed Waiter. I of coarse little thort wen I fust commenced my umbel efforts to instruckt and enliten the world with skimmings from my daily dairy, that I shood ever be held up to the admirashun and gratitood of English mankind as a deliverer of our nobel English Tung from its many defecks, but I of course acceps the pursishun, and, I ope, with becoming umility, and if the Spelling Reform Association chooses, as seems ony nateral, to elect me as one of their Wice Presidents, with a nice cumferal little salary paid quarterly, in adwance, I shall not at all object to become also one of their regular contribbuters, or ewen to hedit sum of their harticles as is really not quite hup to the mark in the spelling line.

Professor F. J. CHILD, P.D., L.H.D., cums it rayther strong when he says, "Sum hav a religious aw, and sum hay an erth-born passion for our establisht spelling. I don't much care how anybody spells, so he spels different from that." But praps one of the werry greatest staggerers in my four-shilling staggering book, is what the Heditter says, wiz., "A filologist who should uphold our present mode of spelling, would be like an astronomer who should teach that the Erth is based on a Turtl."

I think that's about the most wunderfullest sentense as ewen a Hedhitter ever wrote, and they does sumtimes cum out with a startler or 2. Fust with regard to the spelling. As I don't in the least know what a Filologist means I carnt of course say much as to that, but if there is one mortal thing in this butiful world of ours as I does know sumthink about, I should think as all the ciwilized world woud agree as it was Turtle, and I refuses at once, without no manner of dowt, to pardon the man who coud carmly and cooly sit down and write that almost sacred name without his final Hee! Turtl, indeed! why it amost makes me shudder as I rites it down; and jest before Lord Mare's Day too, why it's hadding hinsult to hinjury. But ewen that isn't all the marwels of this most egstrordinary sentense. What in the world can he mean by saying as the world is based on a Turtl?

Of course no one can posserbly know better nor me, that without that glorious addition to a gorgeous _Manu_, the werry hiest classes of society, such as Princes, and Lord Mares, and Bishops, and Aldermen, woud find it remarkabel difficult to git through their harduous dooties, but ewen I should never have once thort of saying that the hole world is _based_ upon it, which I spose means, carnt posserbly git on without it. No, if there's one thing as I strongly objecs to, it's xaggerashun, and in this werry partickler case I boldly charges it against the Hedhitter of "Spelling," price four shillings, even though he and his frends does do me the hi honour of holding me hup as a bennyfacter to all English spelling races.

ROBERT.

Pose Cript.--I sees as how a gent of the xstrordinary name of "EIZAK PITMAN" has been and gorn and rote to the _Times_ on this werry same subjeck as me; but I'm two busy jest now with prepperrations for the himportantest of all days--need I say the Ninth of Nowember--to be abel to give all my hole mind to it, as it seems to require. But I at once, without not no hezzytation and dowt, gives my caudial assent to his Golden Rule, wiz: "When in dout, selekt the werry simpletonest spelling."

R.

* * * * *

"IRISH PROSECUTIONS."--In the _Times_ of Friday last, under the foregoing heading, that most contentious and sledge-hammering correspondent, Lord BRAMWELL, came down heavily, very heavily, on the unfortunate "American Lawyer," Mr. MUNDY, who had presumed to express an opinion opposed to that of my Lord BRAMWELL. Of course, after this, there's an end of the American Lawyer, and, at all events, up to the date abovementioned, Lord BRAMWELL may say, triumphantly, "_Sic transit gloria Mundy!_"

* * * * *

THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.

FROM A YOUNG MAN STILL IN THE COUNTRY.

_Eaton Hall, Saturday._

DEAR TOBY,--I write to you from here where I stay a day or two on my way to Dublin. I expect by the time it reaches you I will be installed in the Chief Secretary's Lodge, and the National League may prepare to sit up. I have been spending a week or two very agreeably in Scotland, a little out of the way of letters or newspapers. I am told there has been quite a demand for me, a sort of popular outcry that I should forthwith proceed to Ireland. This is, of course, not unflattering. It indicates a general belief which I, for one, am not disposed to contest, that if Ireland is to be saved, I'm the man to do it. That's all very well; but it is, doncha know, something of a boah to be thus bothered at a time when one had two or three pleasant engagements on hand. It used to be just the same in the House last Session. If I did not really live there, entering with the Mace and the SPEAKER, and leaving only at the cry of "Who goes home?" there were impetuous protests. I put in KING-HARMAN at Question time, but they wouldn't have him. Often, as I lay on the sofa in the Chief Secretary's room, looking over _Punch_, or reading the proofs of the forthcoming new edition of my _Defence of Philosophic Doubt_, I have heard the distant growls of the Irish Members when KING-HARMAN rose to answer a question addressed to me. Quite touching this personal attachment. At the same time a little embarrassing.

Now I am really going to Dublin, and shall spend a cheerful November there. GRANDOLPH, in his genial way, has tried to make things pleasant by reminding me that from the drawing-room window of the Chief Secretary's Lodge I can see the place where poor FREDDY CAVENDISH fell. "They're sure to take a pot shot at you," he says; "but you're all right. Unless a man can make sure of hitting a lamp-post at fifty paces, it will be no use his trying to bring you down." A nice companionable man GRANDOLPH. Always tries to say something pleasant. But really I don't pay much attention to his kindly apprehensions. I shall be boahed, I daresay; but not by the passage of a bullet, or the thrust of a knife.

People evidently expect great things to follow on my arrival in Dublin. To the accident of my holiday absence in Scotland they attribute all the failures of the Executive. "If BALFOUR had been there," they say, "W. O'BRIEN would now be comfortably in gaol and T. D. S., Lord Mayor, would be laid by the heels." I weally don't know. Fact is, I have not closely followed up affairs either in the newspapers or despatches. There have been some rows, I understand. But that is not unusual in Ireland. Where people are right in kindly looking to me to restore peace and order in Ireland is in the supposition that I have a plan. That is true, though I cannot claim personal and private property in it. Fact is the plan is CROMWELL'S. It worked admirably when originally put in practice, and I do not see any reason why it should fail now. There are, of course, difficulties in the way; prejudice to be overcome, legal forms to be dealt with, and that sort of thing. There is also, next Session of Parliament to be met, and awkward questions by TIM HEALY and the rest. But they need not think to intimidate me by such reflections. I shall put up KING-HARMAN to answer all inconvenient questions. Besides, it is exceedingly probable that in the full development of my plan the Irish Members who last Session distinguished themselves by "wanting to know" will be unavoidably absent from their places. It is an awful nuisance breaking in upon a man's holiday; but it is a difficulty that has to be faced, and as there seems a popular inclination to look to me to settle it, I suppose there is nothing to be done but to grapple with it.

One additional drawback from a quite unexpected source makes itself known by correspondence with my colleagues. They are all in a dreadful state of fussy alarm. My uncle the Markiss begs me to be careful. "Firmness without Rashness" is an excellent copy-head, which W. H. SMITH sends me in fine round-hand from the distant Mediterranean. I wish they'd all mind their own affairs. In the intervals of my other occupations I can answer for Ireland, and if any awkwardness arises, I can put up KING-HARMAN to answer for me. So, dear TOBY, don't you have any anxiety on my account. Some half-hour after dinner, with the contemplative toothpick at hand, and my heels on the table, I will, if the subject occurs to me, settle the Irish Question.

Yours faithfully,

ARTH-R B-LF-R.

* * * * *

BIG WORK AND LITTLE HANDS.