Part 2

At the dinner of the Nottingham Mechanics' Institution, the other night, Mr. PHELPS, the American Minister, advocated the establishment of a Professorship of Silence in schools and colleges. Good! There is too much latitude given to jabberers and chatterers in the present day. Politicians do nothing but prate, and the talking man nowadays has taken the place of the working man. We might begin our reform in the House of Commons. The Sergeant-at-Arms might appoint a beadle to bridle the tongues of the everlasting talkers, and an official with a large extinguisher should make them harmless after they had bored the House for five minutes.

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TO SEVERAL CORRESPONDENTS.--"Fox the Quaker." It is not true that the birthday of this excellent man is celebrated in his native place by an annual "meet." Fox was occasionally hunted, but though a Quaker, it is not on record that he ever quaked. Our Correspondents' mistake arises probably from Fox having been a man of _pax_. But in this case his memory would be honoured by all card-players.

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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

There is no better form of book, providing always the print be clear and distinct, than the volume which is adapted practically in price and size to the pocket. One man's pocket is more capacious than another's, as one man's purse is longer than another's, and the latter can purchase a volume more expensively got up than the small, useful, charming travelling companions that _Mr. Punch_ has at this moment actually in view while others are in his mind's eye, Horatio. _The Handy-Volume Shakspeare_ (BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO.), which in every way is the model of a pocket-volume, the model _par excellence_, is a member of a family all in one case, a perfect Christmas present. But if one volume is lost, the set is spoilt, and the missing book cannot, in the ordinary course of bookselling nature, be replaced. Consequently only a very careful and methodical person can venture upon travelling about with one of these volumes as his pocket-companion. A little Shakespeare is a dangerous thing. And this is why the small books belonging to _Cassell's National Library,_ price threepence apiece, ought to find favour in the eyes of those who can read in a cab, in a coach, in a train, or even walking. As to a man running and reading the thing's almost impossible, and whoever saw a man on horseback reading a book, except in an old print of _Doctor Syntax_? As the snail carries his shell about with him, so every Englishman can carry his own _Cassell_, and get rid of it too--which is more than the snail can--and can lose it--and can replace it for the small sum of threepence, or if secondhand (for being in limp covers they soon become "secondhand" in appearance) for considerably less. With a volume from this library carried always in the tail-pocket of his coat--the very place to carry a short tale--no one need ever be idle, and every spare moment, as long as he is wearing the coat, can be well occupied. These bits of books are our modern _Curiosities of Literature_.

Nor must we forget the DICKENS series of Messrs. ROUTLEDGE, who have just brought out a dainty little edition of the _Cricket on the Hearth_. This is a lasting work got up in a lasting manner. And so whether the tale be long, or short, pointed or not, every man for a small sum, in some instances a very small sum, can be his own talebearer: only the tale isn't his, it is somebody else's, but his by purchase.

Among the handiest of handy books must be included the Pocket Diaries for 1888, numbered, respectively, one, two, three,--of which No. 3 is "A1,"--brought out by JOHN WALKER & CO. of Farringdon House, and admirably adapted to all walkers, who can now bring them out for themselves every day in the new year. One novelty there is in WALKER & CO.'S division of pages, and this is that two are set apart for "Addresses"--not political ones, of course--and two others for "Visits"--(such an idea could only have struck a Walker who wanted an object for his walk)--these being subdivided into columns headed "_Name_," "_Reception Day_," "_Visit Received_," "_Visit Returned_," which in itself is quite a little manual, or _Walker's Dictionary_, of politeness. To "Cash" is devoted a great deal too much space; but, of course, if there is sufficient cash to fill it, so much the better. If we might suggest a "rider" to WALKER, it would be that, as many persons, who pay nothing else, are often most assiduous in "paying their addresses" and in "paying visits," an equal space might be given to business as represented by "Cash," and to pleasure as represented by the two other items. The pencil is a triumph of ingenuity, and the binding of No. 3 proves the truth of the old adage, that there is nothing like leather, specially when the leather is Russian.

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HUMILITY.--The _Pall Mall Gazette_, in its account of the consecration of Truro Cathedral, stated how--

"The Archbishop of CANTERBURY and the Bishop of TRURO received the Prince of WALES at the Phillpotts porch, and conducted His Royal Highness to a footstool placed for him in the choir. Every available inch of space was crowded."

Poor Royal Highness! only a "footstool" to sit upon. He was His Royal Lowness on this occasion. If, however, for "footstool" we read "faldstool," His Royal Highness's apparently uncomfortable position becomes intelligible.

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MORE REALISM.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,

Will you not help us to make a stand even now against the encroachments of realism in the pronunciation of Latin? My evening paper has been full of it lately. Why, Sir, it is well known that the Britons understood the Romans, and the Romans the Britons, and if the Romans had said their repetition in the absurd foreign fashion that a few modern-side pedants advocate, is it likely that the Britons would have understood them, much less that they would have had so much respect for them as to admit their garrisons, and their Mayors, and their Corporations, and what not for four or five hundred years? And if our early ancestors had spoken Latin in this eminently unmanly un-English fashion, why should we naturally and instinctively pronounce it in our own way now, as if there were no natural piety linking the chapters of our rough island story together?

The Cambridge Augustan Johnnies (Dr. SANDYS at least, being a Johnian, may excuse the term) set great store upon the fact that all over the Continent the language is pronounced in the foreign manner. Why, Sir, it is well known that the Norse tongue in Iceland, being icerlated, has remained nearly unchanged since its introduction in the ninth century. And England is an island; therefore the Latin tongue, introduced by the Roman colonists, must have remained unchanged also. For my own part, I own I have no patience with this degradation of the hallowed traditions of our school-days to the level of languages which can be got up in _Ollendorff_ and fluently pattered by couriers and waiters. "Wenny, weedy, weaky." Good gracious! Is that the language of a conquering, masterful race? The matter does not admit of serious argument.

Yours, wondering what next, ONE OF THE OLD SCHOOL.

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THE LAST OF THE GO-HE-CANS.--The _Times_ for November 1, in giving a list of the Masters of Foxhounds, mentioned the Rev. E. M. REYNOLDS as "the only clergyman who can append M.F.H. to his name." Of course this does not mean that no other clergyman "can" do so, or the Clergy would indeed be an uneducated set, but that the Rev. E. M. REYNOLDS is the only successor of the Rev. JACK RUSSELL who has the right to append M.F.H. to his name. How often does his pack meet? Is it _Reynolds's Weekly_? If the hounds are a trifle mixed, it may be known as _Reynolds's Miscellany_.

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Captain STOKES, who peremptorily ordered Mr. O'BRIEN off to prison, seems to be the sort of a man that CHARLES DICKENS described as a "Harbitrary Gent." Quite a despotic Turk. As the Nationalists call the Castle Officials "Bashi-Bazouks," let them allude to the gallant Captain and Magistrate as "STOKES BEY."

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INTERNATIONAL ARBITRATION.--Should difficulties ever arrive at this peaceable solution--(so likely!--ahem!--but always a Bright Dream)--then there could not be a name of better omen for a representative of British Interests than "LYON PLAYFAIR."

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Trafalgar Square may be "the finest site in the world," but the Mob in it isn't.

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A ROW IN THE GALLERY.

What does it all mean? "Pitch 'em over!" cries Sir COUTTS-LINDSAY of his "salaried assistants," and perhaps Sir COUTTS would like to pitch Messrs. COMYNS CARR and C. E. HALLÉ all over, and make them come out uncommonly black after the process. But apparently the "salaried assistants" have thrown over their munificent patron of the Arts, and turned themselves out. But this is "no new thing," for whenever we have had the pleasure of meeting Mr. CARR or Mr. HALLÉ, they have always been uncommonly well turned out, and not a speck on either of them. Evidently the CARR has been upset, and HALLÉ has walked off, showing himself a "Hallé Sloper." The two "salaried assistants" will not go to swell the ranks of the "Unemployed," and, in order to prevent the re-entrance of the "salaried assistants," Sir COUTTS now keeps guard at the Gallery door, armed with a Pike.

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SUMMARY OF THE ENDACOTT-CASS AFFAIR.--A Miss-take.

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ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

No, no! A natural alarm, but needless! 'Tis true subversive dolts in these sad times Do call on you to flourish and to feed less, And hint that pomp and turtle soup are crimes. The sour fanatics! Scribblers who'd set the world straight from their attics. But they will never dare--the dastards, No!-- To stop the Lord Mayor's Show.

Your fright, my Lord, 's a pardonable error. The Proclamation can't apply to you. No one, I'm sure, can take you for a Terror, Red, white, or any other tint or hue. Are you "disorderly"? No; you within legality's trim-kept border lie; From touching you even almighty Law Would shrink with utter awe.

True you "perambulate the streets." What noddy Objects? You do not "break into a run," And as to "terrorising" anybody, No one could hint at that, except in fun. "Hooting and yelling" Are not your vocal habits. WARREN'S belling The Cat of Anarchy; he'll tell you that. You are not quite that Cat.

It's claws are showing, and they may want clipping, And shindy in the streets is just a pest; But Law, though lately once or twice found tripping, Won't interfere with the calm Civic nest. MATTHEWS seems heedless, And "shoves his oar in" in a style most needless; But even he would hardly raise his clutch The sacred Ninth to touch.

No, a good rule may have a good exception. You're popular, pass on! Rowdies and raff Need raps. Let him in civism adept, shun The spouter's bawling, and the Bobby's staff. Mad mobs in Town Are a vile nuisance that must be put down; But you're not a "Procession," don't you know,-- _You_ are--a "Show"!

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"CHARLES OUR FRIEND."

Bravo, Sir CHARLES WARREN! The roughs may consider you a Rabid Warren, but what does that matter to you, or to us, or to any lover of order, peace, and quietness in this vast Metropolis? You're not a weasel to be caught napping, and your recent Proclamation is admirable, if its provisions be only justly and exactly carried out. Your arrangements too--talking of provisions--for housing the houseless, seem to be remarkably judicious. _Mr. Punch_ trusts that the Processions which you mention, and "the wandering bands perambulating the streets," which you are going to consider as disorderly, will be taken to include those disturbers of our Sunday Quiet, calling themselves Members of the Salvation Army, who, it is to be hoped, in every district wherever their presence is not welcome to a majority of the respectable residents, will be summarily dispersed and their noise stopped. On working days let perambulating bands come out for air and exercise, only let them take care that their "air" be always in tune. That schools and clubs should have their bands is an excellent thing. But there are six days in the week for noise, and the Salvationists can let us have our Sunday in peace. _Mr. Punch_ is all for freedom of speech, and so he speaks out freely. He is all for the liberty of the subject, but the subject must remember that he is a subject, and _Mr. Punch_ takes the liberty to remind him of it. At the meeting of real working men of business to protest against these meetings in Trafalgar Square, Mr. FREDERICK GORDON spoke up for his Metropole-itan interests in Grand style. The HOME SECRETARY, it is to be hoped, carefully pondered the speeches of these practical gentlemen. Mr. ATTENBOROUGH, too,--"O, my prophetic soul, my uncle!"--gave distinct evidence of the injury done to trade in and about Trafalgar Square. The Rev. Mr. KITTO moved a resolution, and Mr. BIDDULPH seconded it,

Saying ditto To Mr. KITTO.

And _Mr. Punch_ once more expresses his hope that the first Act of next Session will be one to regulate meetings and processions in and about London, whereby orderly citizens may enjoy their rights undisturbed. Trafalgar Square and all our great thoroughfares should be "proclaimed districts," as regards the loafers, roughs, and rowdies whose object is plunder, and whose end is--or, at least, should be--punishment.

=Punch.=

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SCARLETINA AT TRURO.

The æsthetic Archbishop BENSON has an eye for colour. At Truro, the _Times_ report says, "he wore his scarlet robe and train, which, as he moved from place to place in the Cathedral"--very restless of him, by the way--"was upborne by two little acolytes clad in scarlet cassocks and dainty surplices of lawn, and wearing tiny scarlet caps upon their heads." The Archbishop is the big scarlet, and the tiny acolytes might be called the scarletini. And to think that years ago this sudden outbreak of archiepiscopal brilliancy would have been inveighed against as trifling with the "Scarlet Lady." H.R.H. made an excellent speech on the occasion, and, with the effect of colour still in his memory, he could not resist reminding the æsthetic Dr. BENSON that "seven years and a half ago"--nothing like being exact--"he (H.R.H.) was enabled to lay the foundation stone of this Cathedral with Masonic honours." "Archbishop in scarlet, forsooth! scarlet tiny acolytes!" (such was evidently the rebuke conveyed in H.R.H.'s speech)--"you should just see Me as Most Worshipful Grand Master, with my Wardens, Deacons, Chaplains, and Tylers! Why, in comparison with that blaze of splendour, you and your scarlet are nowhere. However, Ladies and Gentlemen, I came here on this occasion, not 'to oblige BENSON,' but to visit this ancient Duchy in my popular character of Duke of CORNWALL. _Au revoir._"

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Monsignor PERSICO, _Truth_ says, stayed with Archbishop CROKE, and dined with the witty and popular Father JAMES HEALY, P.P. of Little Bray. Well, Monsignor PERSICO must have heard a great deal of croke-ing, but let us hope he has got some remedies for healy-ing the wounds of the distressful country from _Mr. Punch's_ good friend, Father JAMES, of Little Bray, and precious little bray about him.

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A MYSTERIOUS PAPER.

The near approach of Christmas, with its fireside stories, has suggested the following list of questions for examination that may be put to himself by any intending _raconteur_. As he may be sure that if he can tackle them satisfactorily he will be able effectually to enchain any family circle he may come across during the coming festive season, he may be safely recommended to go at them in all confidence:--

1. What is a "spook"? Have you ever met one in society? Define "telepathy." Can you send a "telepathigram"? If so, do you think it would cost more than a halfpenny a word?

2. Write a short biographical notice of Messrs. MYERS AND GURNEY. State which of the two you would rather be, and give, if you can, your reasons for your answer.

3. Furnish a brief abstract, that must not exceed 300 pages, of their joint work, _Phantasms of the Living_. What would be the present price of the two volumes on MUDIE'S Second-hand List?

4. A certain Mr. BROWN knew a Captain JONES, who knew a Major ROBINSON, who one night sitting at Mess at a hill-station in the Central Provinces of India, thought he saw a figure on the verandah and felt a sudden dig in the side as if somebody had pushed him with his elbow. He had been mixing his wines rather freely, but turning to his neighbour, he said, "I am almost sure something has happened to my Uncle JAMES." He subsequently wrote a dozen letters to England on the subject, but could never get any answer; and to this day, though his Uncle JAMES is known to be alive and quite well, the matter remains a mystery. To what class of "inconsequent warnings" could you refer this experience?

5. At Bansbury House, Buckinghamshire, a phantom omnibus full inside and out of headless passengers, drives three times round the central grass-plot on the eve of the day on which the heir orders a new dress-coat. Account for this, if you can, and compare it with the reported apparition of the famous luminous elephant said to be visible to the Lairds of Glenhuish whenever the amount of their butcher's-book reaches the sum of £20.

6. Detail the circumstances that are said to explain the curious conduct of the celebrated little old man in the bagwig and faded blue velvet coat, that haunts the principal guest bedchamber at Tokenhouse Manor. To what is he supposed to refer when after mournfully shaking his head three times he says, "It's the mustard that did it!" Examine this, and give some reasons to account for the fact that he invariably disappears in the linen cupboard.

7. Give the various popular versions of the secret which imparted at Rheums Castle to (1) the heir, on his attaining his majority, (2) the family butler, and (3) a select circle of intimate friends who may have chanced to attend on the occasion regarding the matter as an excellent joke, instantly turns their hair white, causes them to look thirty years older, and makes them talk in whispers, and wear an expression of melancholy terror for the rest of their lives.

8. The hall of a well-known modern villa at Brixton is haunted by the spectre of a coal-heaver, who carries his head under his arm; and, whenever it is opened, he is visible on the mat, just inside the front door. Tradesmen, therefore, calling with their accounts, rush away, terror-stricken, without waiting for payment, and visitors coming to five o'clock tea are carried off in violent hysterics to the nearest chemist's. As the landlord cannot induce any bailiffs to cross the threshold, the tenant who is, notwithstanding their ghastly condition, quite cheerful on the premises, is several quarters in arrear with his rent. State, under the circumstances, what proceedings, if any, you would take to "lay" the ghost.

9. It is well known that the celebrated gallery at Bingham Place, Somersetshire, is haunted, after midnight, by the apparition of a knight in full armour, who heralds his approach by the clanking of chains and cannon-balls, and who, after flinging about the boots and hot-water cans standing at the doors of the various guest-chambers, tumbles head-over-heels down-stairs, shrieking the refrain of a thirteenth century hunting-chorus, and having thoroughly awakened everybody sleeping on the premises, finally disappears with a loud unearthly wail, in the butler's pantry. State what you think would be the probable result of waiting for the appearance of this spectre, and then suddenly hitting it hard over the knees with a cricket-bat.

10. Give the story of the well-known "haunted house" in Belgrave Square. How would the unconscious tenant who had taken it furnished be likely to account for the punctual appearance, at half-past nine every evening, among his guests in the back drawing-room, of the eyeless baronet, in a dressing-gown, dragging the two elderly females by the hair of their heads about in a deadly struggle, and, after continuing it for three-quarters of an hour, ultimately vanishing, as if exhausted, apparently into the grand piano? Would you advise him to take his guests into his confidence, and apologise for the intrusion, or pretend to notice nothing unusual in the phenomenon, and simply ignore it? Examine the situation, and conclude your paper by dealing with it in the shape of a short essay on "the position of the Ghost considered in relation to Society."

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AT HAWARDEN.

"Mr. GLADSTONE gave Earl SPENCER and Earl GRANVILLE a specimen of his skill with the axe yesterday. With Mr. HERBERT GLADSTONE to assist him, the Right Honourable gentleman, stripped to his waist, attacked a tree in most vigorous fashion!"--_Times_, Nov. 4.

Said SPENCER to GRANVILLE, "Like strokes on an anvil." Said GRANVILLE to SPENCER, "He'll catch influenza." Young HERBERT, brow mopping, Cried, "Letter from Dopping!" Growled GLADSTONE, not stopping In chopping, "Blow Dopping!" And so went on lopping.

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"REFUSAL TO PAY A LEVY IN IRELAND."--This was what Mrs. RAM saw as the heading of a paragraph in an evening paper. "Well," said the good lady, "if they won't pay a LEVY, why not send a MOSES, and see if _he_ will get it."

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The Plentiful Lac.

[The Rajah of Kupurthala, emulating the Nizam, has offered five lacs towards the defence of the frontiers of India.]

The Laureate, patriot of sense, Writes with a pungent pen Of "That eternal lack of pence Which vexeth public men." But India's public men, with pride, In Princes such as these, Will find their "lack of pence" supplied By--a lac of rupees!

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VOCES POPULI.

SCENE--_The Thames Embankment. Crowd discovered, waiting for Lord Mayor's Show._

_Female Pleasure-seeker (whose temper is apt to be a little uncertain on these occasions, to her husband)._ We ought to have started at _least_ an hour earlier--just look at the number of people here already! You _would_ dawdle--and it wasn't for want of speaking to, _I'm_ sure!

_Her Husband (mildly)._ It certainly was _not_. Only, as the Show can't possibly pass for two hours, at least----

_She._ _Two hours!_ Am I to stand about in this crowd all _that_ time?

_He (with a feeble jocularity)._ Unless you prefer to climb a tree.

_She._ Then, John, all I can say is, I wish I had stayed at home! (_John murmurs a silent, but fervent assent._)