Part 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 62. JANUARY 20, 1872.

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COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.

_Fond Parent._ "I HOPE YOU WILL BE VERY CAREFUL, MR. STIMPSON. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO CUT THEIR HAIR MYSELF."

_Mr. Stimpson._ "SO I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT, MADAM!"

* * * * *

CASE OF REAL DISTRESS.

WE do not covet the post of Prime Minister, nor yet that of Lord Chancellor, especially if, when Parliament re-assembles, a recent judicial appointment should be sharply discussed. We can think of the choice of a new Speaker without discontent with our own lowly lot, and at the present time envy of the Lord Chief Justice of the Common Pleas is not the predominant feeling in our breasts. But of all places, posts, offices, appointments, and dignities within the reach of an Englishman, the one which excites in us the least desire is that of "Examiner of Plays."

Who, with a heart, can resist feelings of the deepest commiseration, the most profound pity for the sufferings of another, when he hears that in twelve short years it has been the unhappy lot of the present Examiner to read one thousand eight hundred dramatic pieces--one thousand eight hundred tragedies, comedies, melodramas, farces, pantomimes, burlesques, and extravaganzas? There are labours which no salary can remunerate, services which no fees can requite.

* * * * *

A DISTINGUISHED "FRIEND."

"In consideration of a costly present which MR. JOSEPH PEASE, of South-end, Darlington, has made to the Spanish nation, the young King of that country has conferred upon him the Grand Cross of a Spanish order, and MR. PEASE, who is a Quaker, has agreed to accept the distinction."--_Echo._

A QUAKER a Grand Cross! We should as soon have expected to be introduced to a Quaker Field Marshal. Henceforth the sensation of surprise must be numbered amongst the lost feelings. Nothing now can move us more. Not the sun rising in the west, not the spectacle of an Irish Roman Catholic Bishop teaching in a Protestant Sunday school, not a Teetotal Lord Mayor, not the appointment of MR. TOMLINE as Master of the Mint, or SIR CHARLES DILKE as Lord-Lieutenant of Middlesex, not the total abolition of the Income Tax, not the conversion of MR. WHALLEY and MR. NEWDEGATE to Popery, not the purification of the streets,--no, not even the bestowal of the Grand Cross of our own Order of the Bath on some Englishman eminent in Art, Literature, or Science!

* * * * *

HOME-RULE.

HAS Repeal, that in 'Forty was folly, Grown sense in Eighteen-seventy-two? Will the walls that defied Big DAN'S volley, Be by BUTT'S brass two-pounder split through?

Has PADDY, that still has craved ruling And rulers, in wrong as in right, Of a sudden out-grown schools and schooling, And shot to Self-Government's height?

And was it but bottomless boasting, With a point from Hibernian wit,-- That there ne'er yet was Irishman roasting, But an Irishman's hand turned the spit?

Is it JOHN that across the Atlantic Stamps PAT Order's foe ever known; And declares him a nuisance gigantic, Till Yankee Home-Rule ousts his own?

Must hist'ry, as writ all untruly, Like Hebrew, be read in reverse, That, since STRONG-BOW, shows Ireland unruly, With lawlessness cursed as chief curse?

When the best of the race for home-ruling Are those that Home-Rule most distrust; As convinced that to trust Irish "tooling," Will bring Erin's car in the dust.

Home-Rule! 'Tis a compound sonorous, Fine phrase on a green flag to fly; But take stock of the stuff that's before us-- And who shall the Home-Rule supply?

Is't your own Irish Lords, Irish Commons, Who adorned College Green long ago? But to London would rather hear summons, Than in Dublin be tied by the toe:

For the Greenest of all, the best brother Of PAT in JOHN BULL can discern; And to cool English air from the smother Of your factions, is thankful to turn.

Is't the Lawyers, who look for preferment, Praise, pence, and distinction, o'er sea; And when they have ris'n by your ferment, Will be glad your close corking to see?

Is't your National Papers--press-razors, Produced not to shave, but to sell-- Whose scribes might seem genuine blazers, Did not conjurors spit fire as well?

Is't your Priests, with the gag and the blinders, Which Church would fain use to tame Law: Their pincers, for law-reason's grinders, Their scissors, for lay-reason's claw?

Is't your Peasants, in feuds and in factions Stark mad, for a nothing or name: In their lodges, at murder's black pactions, Or from a dyke-back taking aim?

In short, gauging all ranks and classes-- Those who are, or will be, by the ears-- The units, as well as the masses, Lawyers, traders, priests, press, peasants, peers--

All ages, from seventy to twenty, All shades, from deep knave to born fool-- I find means of "Home MIS-rule" in plenty, But where are the means of "Home _Rule_"?

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=A Coming Retirement.=

_The Speaker's Commentary_ is already favourably known. We anticipate a very favourable commentary on the SPEAKER, when Parliament re-assembles.

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"DONNE'S SATIRES."--Pantomimes without political jokes.

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OUR POCKET-BOOK AGAIN.

REALLY, greatness has its multifold inconvenience. _Falstaff_ wished that his name were not so terrible to the enemy, as he should then be less urgently called upon to go and fight. _Mr. Punch_ wishes that his works were not so universally attractive, as he should not then have to answer so many questions about them. He has actually had to receive a Deputation upon the subject of his splendid and unparalleled Pocket-Book for 1872. It appears that certain improvements which he introduced into the volume have given the most enormous and outrageous satisfaction to the majority of mankind, and that the demand for the book has been excessive--almost inconvenient. But a minority of excellent persons, who hate all kinds of changes, have complained that by taking out certain blank pages, he has prevented the complainants from embalming their own observations by the side of his preternatural wit and humour. As aforesaid, a Deputation on the subject approached the presence last Saturday. _Mr. Punch_, of course, listened with his usual affability. The strong points of the applicants were, that they had been accustomed for years to write their own biographies and engagements in the sacred volume, and that the record of their lives thus became nearly imperishable, as no one in his right senses would ever destroy a _Punch's Pocket-Book_. They therefore humbly begged him to restore the old form.

_Mr. Punch_ smiled, and gently said that of course he must be the best judge of what his friend the Universe required at his hands, and this proposition was conceded with respectful acclamation. He might just suggest that his Pocket-Book, although a precious jewel, was not a thing to be locked up in a cabinet, but one to be the light and joy of a household for a year, but it might not be so evident that personal entries, as "_Charles very cross"--"Sweet letter from Arabella,_" "_Bless Smithson's mistletoe!_" "_I hate Aunt Popkins_," "_Said I had not dined at Greenwich:" "Ridiculous sermon by new curate_," and the like, were equally adapted for the perusal of the said household. Such things might be confided to a humbler receptacle. But the pleas being renewed, without reference to the answer (we need hardly remark that most of his visitors were of the sex "that can't argue, and pokes fires from the top," as good ARCHBISHOP WHATLEY said) _Mr. Punch_ blandly promised that the views of the deputation should receive the utmost consideration at his hands. And when he had thus spoken he dismissed the assembly--or rather conducted it to a sumptuous, yet delicate lunch.

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=Duties and Imposts.=

_Important Notice to Travellers._--Any person arriving from the Continent is permitted to clear his throat at the Custom House free of all duty.

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EVENINGS FROM HOME.

THE next evening TOMMY was dressed in an unusual style of elegance: every article of his attire was of the most exquisite cut; every species of ornament that fashion permitted to decorate his person was his; not a stud was omitted, nor was one drop, less than necessary, of india-rubber-boot-polish forgotten that could tend to render his toilet perfect. And, indeed, neither MR. BARLOW nor HARRY were far behind him in appearance on this memorable occasion, which was nothing less than that of their first visit to the ROYAL GRECIAN THEATRE, in the City Road.

Here, from their stalls (which were remarkably inexpensive, being, indeed, only one shilling and sixpence each) they surveyed the wonderful sight which presented itself to them, of a house densely packed from the floor to the ceiling.

The Pantomime was the only piece played, and was entitled _Zig-Zag, the Crooked_. When MR. GEORGE CONQUEST, who represented _Zig-Zag_ himself, first appeared, as if hewn out of the rock, inanimate as the Sphinx, a thrill of astonishment ran through the audience, which gradually showed itself in vehement applause when _Zig-Zag's_ fearful eyes began to move, as at the command of the Young Prince, the monster became endued with life and descended from the rock.

_Tommy._ I declare this is the most extraordinary thing I ever saw.

_Harry._ Indeed, you are right, and I could not have conceived anyone being at once so hideous and so diverting.

Presently there was a brilliant scene, in which there were some admirable selections from the works of various composers, principally French, executed in a manner so creditable to the performers, as to call forth from MR. BARLOW the remark that he had heard nothing better of its kind in any Theatre this year. When MR. CONQUEST and his Son leaped several times from the stage to the top scenes ("which" MR. BARLOW informed his pupils "are termed flies"), and tumbled through trap-doors, coming up again so quickly, and in so great a variety of places all over the "boards," that the audience was in a state of constant excitement as to what next might be going to happen; and when finally _Zig-Zag_ took such a header, as HARRY had seen the big boys at school do, when they were going to dive for chalk eggs, from the flies right through the stage, and was lost to all eyes, then the enthusiastic admiration of MR. BARLOW and his young friends knew no bounds, and they evinced their pleasure, as did the rest of the company, in such rounds of applause as brought on MR. CONQUEST and his Son, without their wigs and false noses, to bow their acknowledgments.

* * * * *

The following night they went to the GAIETY to witness the performance of MR. TOOLE in _Dearer than Life_, which MR. BARLOW had seen before, and in _Thespis_, the Christmas novelty at this theatre.

_Tommy._ If you please, Sir, what sort of piece is this?

_Mr. Barlow._ Indeed, my dear TOMMY, I cannot exactly tell. And it is nearly impossible for an ordinarily well-instructed person to comprehend the precise meaning of any one subject on which those who should know best are apparently disagreed, and who, in consequence, signally fail in rendering their own meaning intelligible in the public.

_Harry._ That is true, Sir, and I perceive that you have noticed how, at various times, this same piece has been announced as a "Musical Extravaganza," an "Operatic Burlesque," a "Grotesque Drama, illustrated with music by MR. SULLIVAN," a "Comic Opera," and lately an English Opera Bouffe. As perhaps next week it may be styled a _Tragicomicopera_, or some other title, I would like, Sir, to join TOMMY in his question as to what you suppose this piece really to be?

_Mr. Barlow._ Why, then, for my part, I suppose it is intended for a specimen of English _Opéra bouffe_.

_Harry._ And what, Sir, is _Opéra bouffe_?

_Mr. Barlow._ It is a French burlesque--a vehicle for extravagances in costume, in acting, and in singing. It is in one, two, three, or even five Acts, and differs from the English burlesque in that it is written in prose, and depends mainly for its success upon the original music written for it by some composer, instead of on selections from various popular sources. In this piece, for example, the dialogue is prosy--I mean in prose--and the music has been written to suit it. I think we may, therefore, suppose this piece to be an English _Opéra bouffe_.

_Tommy_ (_during the First Act_). I do not understand what characters these worthy people represent who are trying their best to divert us.

MR. BARLOW, who had been giving the play his closest attention, seemed to be unable to enlighten his pupil, and requested him to listen to what was going on, and occasionally refer to the programme, by which means he would probably arrive at some definite conclusion.

_Harry._ Truly, Sir, this piece reminds me of what you told me about NEWTON'S _Laws of Motion_, and I look forward to being very happy and lively to-morrow morning.

_Mr. Barlow._ I am glad to hear it, HARRY. But how do you connect such a result with the _Laws of Motion_?

_Harry._ Because, Sir, you told me that "Forces acting and reacting are always equal and contrary to each other." So, Sir, after this night is over, we may fairly expect a most exhilarating reaction.

TOMMY was so much struck by this fresh instance of HARRY'S capacity for adapting his learning to whatever circumstances might present themselves, that he determined to learn the science of mechanics on the very first opportunity.

The audience continued to listen to the piece with a serenity which nothing could disturb, except the occasional appearance of MR. TOOLE, who gave utterance to such quaint drolleries, of his own introduction, as sent the people into short spasms of laughter, in which MASTER TOMMY most heartily joined, while MR. BARLOW applauded as loudly as the rest of the company. But HARRY, whose temper was not quite so pliable, could not conceal the weariness that was gradually creeping over him. He gaped, he yawned, he stretched, he even pinched himself in order to keep his attention alive, but all in vain. He managed to rouse himself twice; once when MR. TOOLE was singing an additional verse to his song (where, indeed, the accompaniment, consisting-of railway noises, would not let him sleep), and once when MADEMOISELLE CLARY was exercising her skill in a rather pretty melody. But at length the narcotic influence of the dialogue, conspiring with the opiate charms of the music, he could resist no longer, but insensibly fell back upon his stall, fast asleep. This was soon remarked by his neighbours, who straightway conceived an unfavourable opinion of HARRY'S breeding, while he, in the meantime, enjoyed the most placid repose, undisturbed by either the envious remarks of some among the audience, or by the nudgings administered to his elbow by his friend TOMMY; and, indeed, his slumber was not entirely dissipated until the performance was finished.

_Harry_ (_on their return to their Lodgings_). Your remarks, TOMMY, to-night remind me of the story of _Polemo_ and the _Continuous Highlander_.

MR. BARLOW here made some excuse for retiring to his room; and as HARRY was on the point of commencing the story, TOMMY asked him to await his return, as he was only going to fetch his slippers, in order to sit and listen more comfortably to his friend's narrative.

HARRY consented to wait for him, but, at the end of two hours, as TOMMY did not return, he retired to his own room, and soon fell asleep.

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THE FOURTH R IN MERTHYR.

IN an article which appeared the other day our orthodox contemporary, the _Western Mail_, criticised certain late proceedings of the Merthyr School Board relative to the Fourth R difficulty in Education. Those proceedings, says that respectable journal, "were saved from being utterly ludicrous only by the gravity of the subjects which were under discussion." But for that consideration, the _Western Mail_ is of opinion that it would have been good fun "to watch the efforts that were being made to realise that most delusive of all theoretical ideas--unsectarian as opposed to secular education." Perhaps most persons will think that those efforts were, as far as they went, not altogether unsuccessful, seeing that, after some discussion bearing on theology, the Board concluded, on the motion of one of its principal Members--a lady interested in the welfare of her species, MRS. CRAWSHAY of Cyfartha--that the sole form of devotion, public or private, dictated by the Founder of Christianity, "should be the sole form of public devotion employed in the schools." The REV. JOHN GRIFFITHS, the Rector, "intimated that he would be quite contented with the proposed limitation of the form of prayer, provided that a doxology were added, recognising" a doctrine which Unitarians do not recognise. The suggestion certainly was creditable to a clergyman of the Church of England who keeps a conscience. It was professional; but the doxology is one of those special matters in the Fourth R on which professors, and doctors too, differ. The orthodoxology of one denomination is the heterodoxology of another.

There are forms of public devotion in common use as the prologue to public dinners. They are invocations in which all present can join, whatever their belief may be as to the Fourth R--if they have any belief at all--and if they have none, what then? It would be conscientious of a Church of England Clergyman to propose the superaddition of a Doxology to a Grace; but would it be wise? Would it not probably set a company of mixed denominations quarrelling over their soup?

In relation to food for the mind, MRS. CRAWSHAY proposed to deal with the Fourth R in a way analogous to that which experience has proved the most convenient method of adjoining it to food for the body. Herein she has acted on principles which many persons, besides a writer in the _Western Mail_, may call "illogical and unsafe," but no thinking man, or woman either, would call those persons philosophers. If every School Board were to legislate as to the Fourth R simply on the principle of teaching just so much of it as children can be expected to understand, would not their practical arrangement be of necessity about the same as that recommended by MRS. CRAWSHAY?

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SUCH A BOOK!

BIG books are big evils, says some old Greek, not of the vigorous type here depicted. _Mr. Punch_ seldom agrees with anybody, and he distinctly disagrees with the Ancient in question. One big book, for instance, which is no evil, but a good, is _Kelly's Post-Office Directory_, with which he has been favoured, and which he has been perusing with avidity ever since it arrived. It was remarked to a clownish servant, who was eating away at a vast Cheshire cheese, that he was a long time at supper, and his triumphant answer was that a cheese of that size was not got through in a hurry. The remark, but not the clownishness, is adopted by _Mr. Punch_ in regard to the Kelly Book. He has, as yet, read only the first thousand pages or so, but he intends to complete his labour. The volume contains the name and address of everybody, in London or the suburbs, whose name and address anybody can possibly want. _Mr. Punch's_ own grand and brilliant idea is, to do with KELLY something like what BAYLE did for MORERI. He meditates issuing a _Kelly_ with vast notes of his own, in which he proposes to give a biography and anecdotes of everybody mentioned in the original book. As there will be several thousand volumes, the work must be published by subscriptions, which perhaps MR. KELLY will be good enough to canvass and collect for _Mr. Punch_. The _Kelly-Punch Biography_ will be a production worthy the gigantic genius of the age, and _Mr. Punch_ admits that his collaborateur has admirably done _his_ part of the work.

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HISTORIANS AND HERETICS.

BY attempting to enforce the Infallibility Dogma on those inconsistent people, who, calling themselves Old Catholics, have seceded from Popery in exercising their private judgment, and refusing, though ordered by an OEcumenical Council, to eat dirt, the Archbishops of the Roman Obedience appear to be waking snakes. The _Pall Mall Gazette_ a few days since, said:--

"It was announced in our latest edition yesterday, that the ARCHBISHOP OF MUNICH has excommunicated PROFESSOR FROSCHHAMMER. To-day a German correspondent informs us that the Professor has published an essay, in which he proves that the Catholic Clergy are all excommunicated for adopting the Copernican system and taking interest on money."

Professors FROSCHHAMMER and DÖLLINGER, however, are snakes in a more serious sense than the ordinary cobras, rattle-snakes, copperheads, and vipers in general which the Fathers of the Lateran Council would mean by snakes, as a name for heretics. Hitherto heretics have been regarded by the Roman Catholic hierarchy as vipers which, in impugning Authority, bite a file. The above-named Professors appeal to History against the POPE. DR. MANNING may declare this appeal to be treason. He might add that it is undeniable treason. The reproach of treason lies in failure.

"But when it prospers none dare call it treason."

Such snakes as PROFESSOR DÖLLINGER and PROFESSOR FROSCHHAMMER bite things more vulnerable than files. They bite legs and feet, through scarlet stockings, and white satin cross-embroidered slippers.

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=A Creed Miscalled.=

THE researches of MR. FFOULKES and other learned investigators appear to have proved that the creed of St. Athanasius, so-called, was not composed until ages after the decease of that personage. If so, it was unduly entitled with his name. Considering the purport of certain generally unpopular clauses in Athanasius his Creed, one conceives that it might, perhaps, be more appropriately styled the Creed of Anathema-maran-athanasius.

* * * * *

_Commercial Gent_ (_to Swell who was smoking a fragrant Havannah_). "WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME, SIR, BY CHANGING INTO ANOTHER CARRIAGE, OR PUTTING YOUR CIGAR OUT _PRO TEM_.?"

_Swell_ (_nonchalantly_). "O, CERTAINLY." (_Throws his Cigar out of the Window._)

_Commercial Gent_ (_complacently producing and filling his Meerschaum_). "SORRY TO TROUBLE YOU, BUT I NEVER CAN ENJOY MY PIPE WHEN THERE'S A BAD WEED A GOIN'!!"

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FROM GALWAY TO CANDY.

MR. W. H. GREGORY, the accomplished Member for Galway, goes to Ceylon as Governor. We firmly believe that the Ædile rejoiceth at this, as MR. GREGORY knows a deal about Art, and the Ædile loveth not such men. _Mr. Punch_ regrets to lose a bright speaker from the House, but is glad of his promotion. It will be no more,

"GREGORY, remember thy swashing blow."

The Honourable Member's "blow" will be had where--

"The spicy breezes Blow soft o'er Ceylon's isle. And no one ever sneezes, Or feels a touch of bile."

Such will be the Gregorian Chant for some time to come. A pleasant exile, and a safe return, are _Mr. Punch's_ sweet wishes to him who departeth for Candy.

* * * * *

UN MONSIEUR SMITH.

AMONG the news of the other day appeared the following:--

"Two Frenchmen, one of whom, however, gives the name of SMITH, are in custody, charged with the commission of several burglaries in the suburbs of the Metropolis."