Part 2

There's your mutineers, for mischief Ripe 'gainst flag and Crown; Never pleased unless they're turning 'Tween-decks upside down. There's your Queen's bad bargains, shirking Work, whoever strain: Trimmers COX'S traverse working-- "There and back again."

Green-hands, as can't fudge a reckoning, Of a watch in charge; Looking after the _Britannia_, And can't steer a barge! For the Captain has his fancies-- When he's picked a man For a job, whoe'er can't do it, _He's_ the chap as _can_.

Anyway the ship's the better By a good A.B., Now JOHN BRIGHT is all a-taunto, And come back to sea. Be't to talk to the blue-jackets Like a 'cute old salt; Con the ship, or call the soundings, Hide or slang a fault--

On the yardarm, big guns blowing, Weather ear-ring take; With bright yarns, to keep the watches Spry and wide-awake; So as to give cyclones the go-by, Safest course to steer; Canvas when to spread, when shorten, With a lee-shore near--

No A.B. in the _Britannia_ Better knows than JOHN: Which let's hope that CAPTAIN G. will Take his advice thereon. Well we know that now JOHN'S buckled To his work again, 'Twill for officers be better, And for ship and men!

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CHRISTMAS BOXES FOR BEAUTY.

A NOVEL kind of Christmas Box is suggested by a legend which _Mr. Punch_ lately beheld in the window of a hair-dresser's shop--"Presents for Christmas." It was posted in the midst of a variety of Chignons. A box containing a quantity of false hair is the Christmas-Box thereby presented to the imagination of the passer-by. But who would offer it to a young lady? Such a present is equivalent to the gift of a wig. It is a Christmas-Box or a New Year's Gift of a class in which may be included several other articles of a similar description, but more useful, and much more ornamental. For instance, you might give a friend in need, personal and pecuniary, a Christmas-Box in the shape of a set of artificial teeth, or the "Guinea Jaw" of our friend the Dentist, or a glass eye, or a gutta-percha nose, or a wooden leg.

Some of the "Presents for Christmas" above referred to were Chignons which looked like horses' tails. Others of the Chignons for Christmas-Boxes exhibited a remarkable resemblance to the tail of a comet, from which eccentric luminary the idea of those prodigious top-knots may possibly have been borrowed. Astronomy, along with Geography and the Use of the Globes, has long formed a branch of female education. An intelligent girl, fresh from boarding-school, if requested to describe the _Coma Berenices_ might, or might not inform her questioner that it was a celestial Chignon.

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="Our Wig!"=

Among the names of possible candidates for the Speakership was that of MR. SAMUEL WHITBREAD, Member for Bedford. He would be an excellent Speaker, but, as matter of humanity, _Punch_ must have opposed this selection. Imagine a triumph of the Anti-Liquor League, imagine the success of a Bill for putting down Porter, and imagine a grandson of WHITBREAD having to say "That this Bill do pass!"

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=MY HEALTH.=

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POETRY OF FACT.

AT the festive season of the year particularly, people commonly complain that the newspapers are dull. Unless in exceptional years, nothing happens of which the narration is in anywise interesting, and the dearth of news is generally so extreme that journalists are actually driven to fill their columns with theological controversies.

The dryness of grammatical details has been surmounted by the device of putting them into metre, as in the _As in Præsenti_ and the _Propria quæ Maribus_ of the Eton Latin Grammar. Might not the contents of the Journals, in like sort, be rendered somewhat less prosy than they sometimes are by being versified? The telegrams would, perhaps, be peculiarly susceptible of this treatment, whereunto they seem to lend themselves in virtue of their characteristic conciseness, which it would enhance. The electric wire on New Year's Day transmitted a certain message from Rome. Here it is in the form of blank verse:--

The King to-day received the Ministers. The Deputations Parliamentary, The State's great Officers, the military And the municipal authorities, And other delegates. His MAJESTY Thanks for congratulations did return To those who tendered them, occasionally, Upon the New Year's Day; and he expressed His hope that, 'twixt the representative Great bodies of the People and the State, The concord, which the national unity Doth to complete essentially conduce, Would ever be maintained.

The Court Circular could be rendered in heroic rhymes. As thus:--

The QUEEN walked in the Castle Grounds this morn; The DUKE OF EDINBURGH, LOUISE, of Lorne The Princess, and the Marquis with his bride, For Town left Windsor after this noon-tide. PRINCE ARTHUR, by SIR HOWARD ELPHINSTONE Attended, went to Dover, too, anon. Right Honourable GLADSTONE here has been To-day, and had an audience of the QUEEN, The Premier, after that, remained to lunch, The dinner-party included _Mr. Punch_.

Other intelligence, miscellaneous or special, could be couched in lyrical measures. Take a specimen of a money article:--

The English funds, this blessèd day, Have no fresh movement known, Save of one-eighth a rise had they, Which could not hold its own.

Consols so little looked alive, As quoted but to be At ninety-two one half, to five-- Eighths, for delivery.

Excitement did the day throughout The Railway Market thrill; Shares have been briskly pushed about, And prices risen still.

A hundred thousand pounds in gold Came, at the Bank, to hand, And much for discount there, behold! Increased was the demand.

Police reports also could be embodied in song, as, for example:--

At Worship Street came PETER FAKE, a young thief, Charged with stealing a watch, unto summary grief. For three months, with hard labour, committed was he, And well whipped, in addition, was ordered to be.

The prisoner, on hearing his sentence, no doubt More than he had expected, burst instantly out In a howl, of a sort which description would mock; In the midst of it he was removed from the dock.

And so on. The suggestion above exemplified will perhaps be adopted by some enterprising journalist, prepared to afford the necessary remuneration to competent poets. In the event of another war, the communications of Our Special Correspondent might fall naturally into the form of an Epic, shaped and determined by the course of circumstances. The title of a journal composed in verse might be, for want of a better, _The Poetical News_.

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THE SPEAKER.

THE announcement that the present SPEAKER of the House of Commons is about to take his well-earned pension and Peerage, and that the election of a successor will be one of the first Acts of Parliament when it meets in February, has occasioned much writing in newspapers and conversation in the social circle, in competition with the Temple of Justice, Clubs for Working-Men, the State of the Streets, and the "insobriety" which accompanies the festive season.

As some misconception appears to prevail regarding the SPEAKER'S exalted office, especially amongst the young and gay, and in rural districts, _Mr. Punch_, the best "Popular Educator" has (with the valuable assistance of SIR ERSKINE MAY) compiled a few notes on the subject, which in his leisure moments he hopes to be able to expand into a voluminous treatise, worthy to take its place by the side of _Enfield's Speaker_, or anybody else's.

The office of Speaker is as old as the Saxon Wittenagemot, but the mace now borne by the Serjeant-at-Arms is not the one which CROMWELL impetuously called a "bauble." That interesting relic of a bye-gone age is said to be in a private collection in the United States.

The SPEAKER is in the Chair whenever the House is not in Committee. If it be asked, when is the House in Committee, the answer is simple--whenever the SPEAKER is not in the Chair.

The young and the gay and the country population have been led astray by the SPEAKER'S misleading title[A]--the fact being that the SPEAKER does not speak, except on very rare occasions.

A: _Lucus a non lucendo.--Sil. Ital. de Arbor._, XV., 1019.

The SPEAKER hears all the speeches which are made during the time he is in the Chair, _for he must never sleep while on duty_; but as most of those who have filled the office have lived on, Session after Session, we may hope that they did not consider themselves bound _always_ to listen. Even, however, with this relaxation, the poor composition, the defective grammar, the arid statistics, the threadbare quotations, the hesitations, the repetitions, the bad delivery, the awkward action, the wrong emphasis, MR. DENISON must have heard and seen through fifteen long years, cannot but have caused him untold suffering. It seems almost incredible that there should be any competition for the horrors of such a post.

The SPEAKER has a salary, a secretary, a chaplain, a counsel, a residence, and an allowance for keeping the Mace in order. When he retires, he has a peerage and a pension, and is allowed to take his Wig and Gown and Chair away with him.

The SPEAKER, although not one of the commoner sort, is the first Commoner in the land.

The SPEAKER is entitled to many privileges. He can show friends (not exceeding four at a time) over both Houses of Parliament without an order from the Lord Chamberlain; he can take books out of the Library on leaving a small deposit; he can call a wherry and go on the river whenever he pleases; every tenth cygnet born between Lambeth and London Bridge is his by prescriptive right; and he is at liberty to charge the Consolidated Fund with the cost of any refreshment he may require during official hours, and with all cab fares to and from the House.

The most terrible exercise of the Speaker's authority is when he "names" a Member. The miserable man is committed to the Tower for life, and allowed no book to read but _Hansard_; his estates are forfeited to the Crown, and once a year, on the day when he committed the offence for which he was "named," he is taken by the Constable of the Tower in a tumbril to Westminster, to beg pardon of the SPEAKER and the House on his knees.

The SPEAKER may be either a bachelor, a married man, or a widower, but he must be one of the three.

If a new Member shows any eccentricity in his dress, manners, speech, or general deportment, the SPEAKER asks him to tea, and quietly points out to him the impropriety of which he has been guilty.

At 2 A.M., at a moment's notice, without any opportunity of consulting authorities, the SPEAKER may be called upon to state what was the practice of the House in the reign of EDWARD THE THIRD, or to remember a precedent established during the time SIR THOMAS MORE filled the office, or to enforce a Standing Order coëval with the Long Parliament.

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BRAVO! BUMBLE.

"At a meeting of the Bury Town Council this week, it was stated that an address was about to be presented to Her Royal Highness the PRINCESS LOUISE of Hesse, by way of a public appreciation of her exertions on behalf of His Royal Highness the PRINCE OF WALES. It was also stated that it was proposed to present a cabinet, containing the photographic likenesses of those signing the address--Sheriffs and other officers in their respective uniforms, and Mayors of boroughs in their robes."

A MORE interesting gallery of portraits it would be difficult to imagine, especially, if, as the encouraging words, "and other officers" incline us to hope may be the case, the macebearers, beadles, and town-criers, with possibly a selection from the police, are included in the cabinet. Perhaps it would not be advisable to admit Sheriffs' officers. A fac-simile autograph underneath each photograph, with the addition of the writer's usual formula of subscription--"Yours truly," "Ever faithfully yours," &c.--would materially enhance the value of the present. Everyone, who can appreciate good taste, in combination with retiring modesty, must be struck with this, the latest outburst of corporate zeal; and the impression such a delicate attention as the offering of a cabinet containing the likenesses of some of the most remarkable characters of their time, will produce upon foreign nations, already full of admiration of our loyalty and envying us our Mayors, cannot fail to be most gratifying to the nation's vanity.

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SURPRISING A CASTLE.

THE least ancient and least interesting part of Warwick Castle has been burned. Subscriptions are tendered in aid of a restoration. Question is raised whether LORD WARWICK should accept these, lest the public should consider that by subscribing it acquires a certain right in the Castle, and that the Earl's legend will have a second meaning, when affixed over the new buildings: _Vix ea nostra voco_. The suggestion is unworthy and sordid. _Mr. Punch_ would like to see a vote of the Commons in aid of the subscription for conserving about the noblest relic left to us. He would be glad to say to the Earl, in LORD WARWICK'S own words in the Temple Garden, after a certain rose-plucking,

"This blot that they object against your House Shall be wiped off in the next Parliament."

The cool idea that giving a nobleman help to rebuild entitles one to walk into his property, is concentrated cheekiness; and if castles are capable of astonishment, _Mr. Punch_ would again quote W. S. to the Earl, and say, "Your Castle _is_ surprised."

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=Dirt! Dirt! Dirt!=

WE have all been taught to tread the path of duty, but some of us seem to have forgotten the lesson. May we entreat Commissioners, Boards, Corporations, Vestries, Parochial Authorities, indeed, any responsible and rate-levying body which has got into bad ways, to do their duty to our paths; and if not this winter, perhaps the next--or, not to be too exorbitant, the next after that--to keep the pavements and the roadways passably clean? It would be a satisfaction to those of us who have reached middle age to think that we may yet live to see the streets of London, and other wealthy towns and cities, rather less lutulent than country lanes and rural roads. When will the scavenger be abroad?

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THE SICK MAN IN THE VATICAN.

"It is stated that VICTOR EMMANUEL sent GENERAL PRALORMO to the Vatican on New Year's Day to wish the POPE the compliments of the season on behalf of His Majesty. On arriving there, he was informed by CARDINAL ANTONELLI that the Holy Father was indisposed, and could not, therefore, receive him personally. The Cardinal undertook to deliver the compliments of the King, and the General left. A few hours after, the POPE was completely recovered, and held his usual receptions."

THE faithful should congratulate the POPE upon his rapid, almost miraculous recovery. From the moment the wicked King's emissary was out of the precincts of the Vatican, the symptoms became more favourable, and the Court physicians were released from their attendance. We notice, only to dismiss it with scorn, an impression which appears to exist that the Holy Father was "indisposed," in the primary sense of the word, as worldly sovereigns have been before now; for it is not for an instant to be supposed that a Cardinal would put forth, and a Pope sanction, any excuse which was not in accordance with the strictest truth.

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=Theological News.=

HIS GRACE the DUKE OF SOMERSET, some time First Lord of the Admiralty, has come out as a writer on theology. Needless to say that he is not ceremonious in his treatment of eminent persons. He is by no means complimentary to the Apostles. His teaching may be condensed into his own motto, _Foi pour Devoir_, translated subtly. In these days everybody seems ready to instruct us in religion--except the Bishops.

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JUSTICE TO IRELAND.

MOTTO FOR A BOTTLE OF POTHEEN.--"Oireland! with all thy faults I love thy still."

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=Printed by Joseph Smith, of No. 24, Holford Square, in the Parish of St. James, Clerkenwell, in the County of Middlesex, at the Printing Offices of Messrs. Bradbury, Evans, & Co., Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by him at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, City of London.--SATURDAY, January 13, 1872.=

Transcriber Notes:

Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_.

Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=.

Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS.

Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the speakers. Those words were retained as-is.

The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up paragraphs and so that they are next the text they illustrate.

Illustrations with a single letter in their caption were sometimes used in the original pages to serve as inital capital letters.