Part 1

Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, Ernest Schaal, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 62. JANUARY 13, 1872.

* * * * *

POKES IN PANTOMIMES.

_NON omnia possumus omnes_; we are not all Popes, nor should we be omnipotent even if we were infallible. The _Daily News_ is a journal of ability; but there is a certain inconsistency, the cause of which it declares itself unable to fathom:--

"That all personal allusions to the private lives of individuals should be eschewed on the stage, we readily admit. Indeed, we sympathise with DR. JOHNSON, who, on hearing that FOOTE, the actor, intended to imitate his mien and gestures, inquired the price of a good thick stick; but why, in the name of common sense, when caricatures of MR. GLADSTONE and MR. LOWE weekly appear in humorous journals, and when scarcely a day passes without these gentlemen being attacked in print on account of one or other of their public acts, every harmless joke upon their official doings should be expunged from the pantomimes, surpasses comprehension."

Our excellent contemporary forgets that there is in theatres a place called the Gallery. This place is occupied by a peculiar description of audience and spectators. In the theatre, by physical position, they constitute the higher orders, but in common talk are contrariwise named. Of old, bloated aristocrats were wont ironically to style them "the Gods." Enlightened Statesmen, however, with a just appreciation of their value as British voters, use to call them the People. Now the People of the Gallery are not accustomed to read humorous journals in which caricatures of the People's WILLIAM, and the People's ROBERT, appear weekly. If they were, it would be necessary for the humorous journals to be very careful in caricaturing those popular Ministers, lest caricatures should endanger their popularity. The People of the Gallery are our flesh and blood, but they are as yet uneducated, and apt to take jokes too seriously. If the _Clown_ in a Pantomime were to tread upon a match-box, and get blown up sky-high, or if, assisted by the _Pantaloon_, he presented a working man in an arsenal with a sack, these performances, to the occupants of the boxes indeed, would be harmless jokes, but the effect produced by them in the electoral way would probably be mischievous, in a gallery filled with friends and relations of match-venders and dockyard labourers.

* * * * *

=The Best Tonic.=

THE Doctors disapprove of alcohol, but they are as alive as ever to the cheering effect of "good spirits" on their patients.

* * * * *

PROBABLE INTELLIGENCE.

THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, being thoroughly convinced of the injustice of the Income-tax, is maturing a measure for its total abolition. To prove that he is perfectly sincere in the task he undertakes, he has resolved to throw up office if the tax again be voted.

MR. AYRTON is engaged in studying the Fine Arts, with a view to being able to lecture LORD ELCHO and others on the subject, and also to defend the action of the Government in resisting all attempts to improve the National Gallery.

In the fear lest His Holiness be forced to quit the Vatican, MR. WHALLEY, M.P., has written, very generously, to offer his own residence as an asylum for the POPE, while exiled from his kingdom.

It is proposed, at the conclusion of the Tichborne trial, to treat the Judge and Jury to a trip upon the Continent, in order to prevent them from becoming monomaniacs, through having their minds occupied so long with one subject.

It is considered almost certain that M. THIERS will seize a very early opportunity to vacate his seat, as President, in favour either of the COMTE DE PARIS or of M. GAMBETTA.

The game slaughtered at the _battues_ of eleven noble sportsmen (all members of the Legislature), has been carefully distributed among the East-End poor.

It has been ascertained, by an accurate survey in London and the provinces, that no fewer than one pantomime has been produced this season, without containing any humorous allusion to "the Claimant."

MR. GLADSTONE has received one hundred and twelve letters, from Peterborough, Hanwell, Colney Hatch, and other places, asking for a confirmation of the rumour that his great-great-grandmother embraced the Jewish faith.

More than a hundred noble members of the Gun Club have withdrawn their names this season, and have transferred their subscriptions to the Humane Society.

Among the measures likely to be introduced by Government are: (1) a Bill for the Reduction of the Prices charged by Butchers; (2) a Bill to Compel Londoners to Clean their Streets in Dirty Weather; and (3) a Bill to Disafforest Primrose Hill and the Brighton Cliffs and Racecourse.

The First Lord of the Admiralty has been taking a few lessons in political navigation, with the view, upon emergency, of taking chief command of the vessel of the State.

It is considered highly probable that, following the good example of some Dramatic Managers, certain Barristers and Doctors in the very highest practice intend to decorate their waiting-rooms with little placards of "NO FEES!"

* * * * *

JUST A HINT.

IS there not a bit of SYDNEY SMITH'S, wherein that divine, describing a Scottish rising against English tyranny, says that SAWNEY betook himself to the heather, and, having scratched himself with one hand, and cast up an account with the other, suddenly waxed furious, and drew his sword? We hope that certain Transatlantic friends of ours will not bring in so tremendous a bill against us, as to make it cheaper for us to fight than to pay. For we love them very much, but we are obliged to be awfully economical in these Gladstonian days.

* * * * *

=Mathematical Intelligence.=

IT would puzzle a Senior Wrangler to find out how to square a circle. Yet TOMKINS Junior says that, though he is only twelve years old, he will back himself on any given morning to get round a square.

* * * * *

* * * * *

=EVENINGS FROM HOME.=

THE next place of Amusement to which MR. BARLOW took his two young pupils was the STRAND THEATRE. Here they saw _Arion, or the Story of a Lyre_, and were highly diverted with the two Showmen, played by MESSRS. PAULTON and TERRY, whose duet of "_Walk Up and See my Show_," they so vehemently applauded as to draw forth a reproof from their worthy preceptor, who, however, on observing that these comedians seemed to be possessed of an inexhaustible stock of fresh verses applicable to the circumstances of the times, was induced to join TOMMY and HARRY in the commendations which were most liberally bestowed by the audience upon this portion of the performance. On returning to their lodgings both TOMMY and HARRY, neither of whom had up to this time ever evinced any musical capacity, attempted to recall the pleasing airs they had heard at the Strand Theatre, and only ceased from their praiseworthy endeavours on receiving MR. BARLOW'S promise that he would take them again to witness the same piece, if TOMMY (whose father, being a very wealthy man, had recently bestowed upon his son a handsome Christmas gratuity) would pay for three stalls, or at least three places, in the Dress Circle.

* * *

On the following night they went to the PRINCESS'S, to see MR. WATTS PHILLIPS'S play of _On the Jury_, followed by a Pantomime called _Little Dicky Dilver_.

At the entrance to the Stalls a civil person relieved them of their overcoats and hats; and TOMMY, upon whom his tutor's example, on the occasion of their visit to Drury Lane, had not been lost, expressed his gratitude to the honest stranger in the most affectionate manner.

TOMMY now discovered a further opportunity of making himself acquainted with the science of Astronomy, which he had already set himself diligently to learn.

_Mr. Barlow._ At this theatre you will behold a constellation of talent.

_Tommy._ But pray, Sir, what is a "constellation"?

"Persons," answered MR. BARLOW, "have observed certain stars remarkable either for their brightness or position, or both. These stars, joined together, are termed 'constellations.' Here you have three Stars--MR. WEBSTER, MR. PHELPS, and MISS FURTADO."

_Tommy._ Then these are, as you say, Sir, "remarkable for their brightness or position."

_Mr. Barlow._ Yes. And in time, no doubt, I shall be able to make you acquainted with the names and the appearance of all the Stars in London.

_Tommy._ Sir, I am much obliged to you, indeed. But of what use is it to know the Stars?

_Mr. Barlow._ There are some, and those very important, uses to be derived from an acquaintance with the Stars. HARRY, do you tell MASTER MERTON the story of _The Free Admission and the Grateful Turk_.

HARRY was commencing the story when the curtain, being drawn up, disclosed to them the First Scene of _On the Jury_.

_Mr. Barlow._ This would indeed be a very good piece, but for faulty construction. Yet, for epigrammatic dialogue and dramatic situations, it has not, at this present moment, its equal in town. You have been silent, TOMMY, for some time.

_Tommy._ Indeed, Sir, I never was more surprised or diverted; and as for one of your Stars, MISS FURTADO,--Dear Heart! I protest I could watch her every evening with the greatest delight.

MR. BARLOW, observing his pupil's excitement, laughed at TOMMY in his usual good-natured manner, and pointed out to him the example of the poor Greenlanders as worthy of his imitation.

"What is that, Sir?" inquired TOMMY.

"They are brought up to so much moderation and self-command," said MR. BARLOW, "that they never give way to the sudden impulses of passion so common among Europeans. And see, you have split your new white kid gloves in applauding this young lady." Then turning to HARRY, he asked him if he had not been touched by the acting of MR. WEBSTER in this piece.

_Harry._ Indeed, Sir, I pitied him from my heart. _Mr. Tibbetts_ was a hardly-used gentleman. And I think that no one could have played more admirably than the gentleman who took the part of _Dexter Sanderson, Esq._

_Mr. Barlow._ You mean MR. PHELPS, and you are right. It is indeed a fine piece of acting. There is so much breadth, and yet such a thorough finish, in this performance, that it would be worth the while of many of our younger actors (who flatter themselves on their consummate art, in consequence of having been unduly praised for their few achievements) to come here and take a lesson from MR. PHELPS.

MR. BARLOW added that it was a pity so excellent a piece should be wellnigh spoiled by the introduction of a vulgar Sensation Scene, and its construction marred by the awkward contrivance in the last Act. He further complained that it should be thought necessary to commence it at seven, and to supplement such an attraction, as this ought to be, with a Pantomime.

TOMMY and HARRY were not, however, of his mind upon this point, and insisted upon stopping to see the _Clown_. They were somewhat disappointed with the Pantomime, but professed themselves prodigiously delighted with MR. LLOYD'S scenery.

On coming out, an obliging official handed to them their overcoats, wrappers, and hats. TOMMY'S little heart was much affected by this kindly attention; so, pulling out his purse, he poured its contents (four bright new farthings and three peppermint lozenges) into the honest fellow's hand, saying, "Here, my good man, take this, and Heaven bless you!" It is impossible to express the surprise of the poor man at the sight. He stared wildly round him, and would have fallen but for the tender support of his assistant, who imagined that his companion had lost his senses. But the man cried out, "O, WILLIAM, I am not mad! See what Providence has sent us by the hands of this little angel!" Saying this, he held up the money and the lozenges. But TOMMY went up to them both, and said, "My good friends, you are very welcome to this: I freely give it to you. Spend the money soberly; and, for the lozenges, give them to your children, if you have any, or suck them yourselves in your leisure moments." Before the entranced officials, who were totally unaccustomed to receive such benefactions, could dry their tears, TOMMY was out of sight, having followed MR. BARLOW and HARRY to the door.

* * *

MR. BARLOW now took MASTER TOMMY and HARRY to EVANS'S Supper Rooms, to enter which place they had to pay a shilling apiece. This troubled their worthy preceptor, who, indeed, was painfully struck, as he informed his young friends, by the altered aspect of the interior. MR. BARLOW explained to them that in _his_ time the room was snug, cosy, and comfortable, and only one quarter of its present size. That _then_ there were neither carpet nor tavern-like mirrors. "True," said MR. BARLOW, "that all that was objectionable in the entertainment of former days has long ere this disappeared, and now I see there is a gallery where the "opposite sex," in very private boxes, can, like fairy sprites, sit invisible, and listen to mortal melody. In the old time," continued MR. BARLOW, "you were welcomed by the Proprietor as a personal friend, who would call JOHN to get the hot chop or kidneys for you at once, and give the order himself, returning to see if you were comfortably served. Then the waiters flew, and to command was to have. Now, TOMMY, observe I have spoken to these waiters, and have ordered my supper more than twenty minutes since, and it has not appeared. See MR. GREEN himself" (the veteran here came up, and having affectionately greeted his dear boys, MASTERS SANDFORD and MERTON, wandered away to another part of the room), "he is no longer Proprietor; he is only nominally in authority, his occupation is, in effect, gone; he is the only connecting link between the past and present EVANS'S, 'retained,' to quote his own immortal line about the lamented VON JOEL, 'on the establishment, in consequence of his long services.'"

So affected were both HARRY and TOMMY by MR. BARLOW'S discourse that they begged to be allowed to quit a place which only aroused so much sadness in the breast of their beloved preceptor. As they were leaving, MR. BARLOW paid a shilling for some refreshment which he had taken, whereupon the waiter begged to be remembered, which MR. BARLOW, being blessed with a good memory, willingly consented to do. But the waiter candidly explaining that he was expecting a trifle for his trouble, MR. BARLOW could not refrain from expostulating with the honest fellow on the absurdity of such a system, and informed the boys, that, in the old and palmy days of EVANS'S there was no charge for admission, and the attention bestowed on visitors being admirable, it was a pleasure to bestow some gratuity upon the attendants, which was always received by the money collector at the door with a grateful "I thank you, Sir. Good night, Sir."

While MR. BARLOW was thus addressing MASTERS HARRY and TOMMY, the waiter was summoned to a distant quarter of the room, whereupon they ascended the steps, and found themselves in the Piazza of Covent Garden.

"Farewell, EVANS'S!" said MR. BARLOW, sadly; "I know not that I shall darken thy doors again!"

"What you were saying, Sir," observed HARRY on their reaching their lodgings, "reminds me of the story of _Tigranes and the Amphibious Black_."

_Mr. Barlow._ I do not think TOMMY MERTON has heard it.

_Harry._ Well, you must know, MASTER TOMMY----

But TOMMY had gone straight up-stairs to bed.

MR. BARLOW, who knew the story by heart, having, indeed, himself told it to MASTER HARRY, then took his candle, and wishing HARRY a very good night, retired.

* * * * *

VIÆ ANTIQUÆ.

IT is pleasant to make honourable mention, in _Mr. Punch's_ columns, of anything bearing the name of JERROLD. The latest appearance of this name is in conjunction with that of GUSTAVE DORÉ--a household word. Two artists have been making a pilgrimage through London together, and each, with his own implement, is recording his experiences, the result to be a beautiful book, whereof an inviting specimen has appeared. _Mr. Punch_ is glad to welcome a new memorial of Augusta Trinobantum, especially as that city is being so rapidly "improved," especially in the parts most likely to attract the eye of M. DORÉ, that it will soon be all as colourless as a Boulevard or Regent Street. If MR. JERROLD will show M. DORÉ anything that shall call out the power lavished on the houses in the pictures to a certain book of _Contes_, the two will do the good deed of apprising posterity that London was the production of architects, and not of excessively respectable contractors for building purposes.

* * * * *

=Royal Clemency.=

WE have heard, with gratification, that the remainder of the sentence on JOHN POYNTZ SPENCER, who was sent to Ireland in 1868, and who has since been immured in Dublin Castle, is likely to be remitted. His admirable conduct during his exile has endeared him to all, and his return will be warmly welcomed. It will be felt that he has amply expiated the political offence of being a Whig Head-Centre, and we trust that an honourable future is in store for him.

* * * * *

=SANITARY SERMONS.=

* * * * *

"COME ABOARD, SIR!"

"COME aboard, Sir!" to the Captain Says JOHN BRIGHT, A.B, As he touches his tarpaulin, Smart and sailorly. And the watch look pleased as Punches, Officers and men, For A.B.'s like JOHN are always Welcome back again!

Over deck, and spars, and rigging JOHN he slues his eye; Gives a seaman's squint to leeward, Scanning sea and sky; At the binnacle he glances, Notes the course she steers; Nought on board or in the offing, Scapes his eyes and ears.

For the ship has seen hard weather, And some people say; CAPTAIN GLADSTONE ain't the man he Was the other day: And if you believe the croakers, Officers and crew, Don't pull with a will together, As they used to do.

Certain 'tis, since JOHN BRIGHT left her, His sick leave to take, The old craft, in last year's cruising, Had an ugly shake. Made poor day's-works, too much lee-way; Badly fouled her screw: Scraped her copper, if she didn't Start a plate or two.

Certain 'tis, with crew and captain, Officers also, Things don't go on quite as pleasant As they used to go. There's been some high-handed doings, Some quite the reverse; Some's took sick, and some's took sulky; Some took soft, or worse.

There's sea-lawyers--donkey-engines Can't their slack haul in; You may stop their grog, you'll never Stop the yarns they spin: There's your discontented beggars, Nothing e'er can please; There's your pennywise 'uns, nibbling At the dips and cheese.