Part 2

READING, "_Old Mother Hubbard_" MISS BROWN. RECITATION, "_Humpty Dumpty_" MASTER JONES. SONG, "_Twinkle, twinkle, little Star_" MRS. ROBINSON. RECITAL (in costume), "_Grilling a Grizly_" MR. SMITH. READING, "_The Humours of Joe Miller_" REV. Z. SNOOKS. COMIC SONG, "_O, did you twig her Ankle?_" MR. LARKER. RECITAL, "_My Name is Norval_" MASTER WIGGINS. GLEE, "_The Cock and Crow_" WOBBLESWORTH WARBLERS. READING, "_The Bandit's Bride_" REV. H. WALKER. SONG, "_I seek thee in every Shadow_" MR. GROWLER. RECITAL, "_The Haunted Hottentot_" DR. BLOBBS. COMIC SONG, "_Jolly Miss Jemima_" MR. LARKER. CHORUS, "_Ri fol de riddle ol_" WOBBLESWORTH WARBLERS.

The company separated at the somewhat advanced hour of half-past nine o'clock, after spending an enjoyable and instructive evening.

DUFFERTON AND BLUNDERBURGH.

SPARROWSHOOTING EXTRAORDINARY.--The annual meeting of the Dufferton and Blunderburgh Sparrow Club was held on Monday last at the Goose and Gridiron, Dufferton, the President, MR. BOOBIE, again occupying the chair. It appeared from the report that, during the past twelvemonth, no fewer than 5937 sparrows had been slaughtered by the honourable members of the club. Complaints had been received of increasing devastation by fly, and slug, and caterpillar, and it was said that this was owing to the great decrease of small birds effected by the club. The Chairman, amid cheers, pooh-poohed these allegations, and, after presenting a new powderflask to MR. JONAH JOWLS, for having made the largest bag of small birds in the twelvemonth, the Chairman humorously adjourned the meeting to the supper-room, where mine host served up an elegant light supper, the _menu_ whereof consisted of sausages, black puddings, Welsh rarebits, and pork-chops.

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SCIENCE GOSSIP.

PROFESSOR AGASSIZ has discovered "a fish which builds a nest." Wonders are only just beginning. Other Professors, envious of AGASSIZ'S good fortune, will be stimulated to renewed study of the Animal Kingdom; and the result will be that at no distant day we shall see the great Zoological collections, here and in America, enriched by the addition of a glowworm which lives in a hive, a tortoise which hops from bough to bough, an oviparous rabbit, and a lobster whose diet consists exclusively of salad. The fable which deluded our childhood may yet be realised, and pigeon's milk take its place amongst the common articles of a free breakfast table.

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NEW SCHOOL FOR NOBS.

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THE "PHANTOM BOARD."

(_See MR. VERNON LUSHINGTON'S evidence before the Megæra Commission_.)

A DARKLING place, of shadowy space, Reached by a silent stair; A skeleton clock, with a dusty face, That marks time in the air, To five grey ghosts, in blue and gold lace, Each in ghost of a board-room chair.

Their red-tape is dust, their penknives are rust, The ink in each standish is sere; Their ghost-quills glide betwixt margins wide Of foolscap, that blanks appear; And their dead tongues' prose into dead ears goes, And out at as dead an ear!

But on file and floor, and the tables o'er, And in pigeon-holes well stored, Are letters many, and papers more-- An ever-growing hoard! No phantom of business, albeit before My Lords of a Phantom Board!

So much work to be done, and, alive, but one To utter five phantoms' will! The hours they run, but on LUSHINGTON The papers are pouring still-- And how record for a Phantom Board, With a merely mortal quill?

Those letters come by messengers dumb-- A hundred thousand a year-- To this room or that, for ghost-clerks to thumb, And be opened, here and there: Who registers? None, all; all, some: Who minutes? Ghost-hands in air.

So, registered or unregistered, As haste or hap may be; Minuted or un-minuted, As ghost, or none, may be free; The gathering letters have come to a head That a Phantom Board can see!

Alive but one,--Lone LUSHINGTON Among that ghostly five, And all this business to be done-- Needs must when phantoms drive! "Enough to sign," he sighs, "not mine To read, and still survive."

And while he signs, and signs, and signs, Its ghost of work upon, In its red-tape toil the navy to coil, The Phantom Board sits on: Essay to seize, your grasp 'twill foil, Looms, shadowy, and is gone!

Gone but to meet, in order neat, As ghost-like as before, In the navy blue, and cock'd hat a-slue, That ancient DUNCAN wore, The Phantom First Lord at the head of the Board, And, below, the Phantom Four!

Their ghosts of orders they have sped, Their ghosts of minutes they sign; But of ship ill-found, or fleet ill-led The discredit all decline, To the shrill "Not mine!" of their phantom-head, Echoing their "Not mine."

JOHN BULL, outside, may groan and gride, May fume and fret at will; If he deems live heads his navy guide, His sea-behests fulfil, The works and the words of these Phantom Lords No wonder he taketh ill.

For our ships we know how the sovereigns go. Hard cash in hard hulls should end: Why troop-ships are worked till they rotten grow, We cannot comprehend; Nor why squalls that blow about REID & CO. To the bottom should _Captains_ send.

Some day, I think, with a sneeze and a wink, Shocked wide-awake again, JOHN BULL will make free with the Board-room key, Grope his way to the door, and then, Round the Board-screen peep at the ghosts that keep The seats of living men!

We wouldn't hold posts among those ghosts-- Nor of Sea, nor of Civil Lord-- That to build JOHN'S ships, and to guard JOHN'S coasts, Have borrowed his shield and sword: If Ghosts _can_ be kicked, kicked out of their posts Will be the PHANTOM BOARD!

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LITERATURE, SCIENCE, AND ART.

MRS. LORIMER STACKWORTHY is busy with a new life of one of our earliest Queens, BOADICEA, based on contemporary documents and family papers, many of which are in cipher. The publishers, (SPORLE AND MUSSITT) will be glad to hear of an authentic portrait of the subject of MRS. STACKWORTHY's interesting monograph.

The article, in the _Pedantic Review_, on "Pies and Puddings," which has caused such a stir in literary and culinary circles, bears strong internal evidence of the practised pen of PROFESSOR PORRINGER. That on "Extraordinary Ebullitions," in the _Impartialist_, is understood to emanate from DR. JULIUS TEEZER.

JEWINI'S great classic Opera--_La Vecchia Madre Ubardio_--will be revived next season at La Scala.

A new weekly periodical is announced. It will be printed, published, edited, written, illustrated, stitched, and sold exclusively by women, and the type, ink, and paper, will be supplied by manufacturers who employ none but female artificers. Men will not be allowed to interfere with this journal in any way, except as purchasers. The title is _Superior Wisdom_.

SIGNOR ZAFFERANO-COLLINA has resumed his (open air) Organ performances on Campden Hill. The Signor's _répertoire_ has not received any accession during the recess.

In the course of the ensuing season, MESSRS. BRANE AND BOOKER will bring to the hammer the valuable Library formed by the late JONATHAN BELL DIVER, M.A., F.A.S., F.E.L.S. It is remarkably rich in nursery rhymes, cookery books, gipsyana, and treatises on dentistry and fireworks, and includes a unique series of privately printed publications relating to the County of Rutland.

The result of more extended investigations goes to prove that the _Octopus_ will not attack man, except in defence of its religion.

MR. GRANBY FUSSFORTH has completed his arrangements for the delivery of a course of Six Lectures on "Winds and Windfalls," in the North of London. He will afterwards make a tour through Lambeth, Surrey, Southwark, and the Tower Hamlets, and will probably conclude his labours in the Old Kent Road.

Telegrams from Trebizond say that MADAME CORALIA VOLANTI has created a perfect _furore_ there, by her extraordinary performances on the high rope.

_Bertha's Black Box_ is the title of a new Serial Story, by a popular and prolific writer, to be commenced in an early number of _Alsatia_. It will be illustrated by BANNOCKS.

MR. WYCHERLEY BIBB has a farcical comedy in preparation which will be produced at the "Sheridan" in the course of the season. The plot turns on one of the principal characters mistaking a private mansion for an hotel. FACEY SMILES has a wonderful part in it.

MR. SALVATOR ROSE, R.A., is working hard to get all his pictures ready for the forthcoming Royal Academy Exhibition. Perhaps, the most striking is a scene from SMITH'S _Classical Dictionary_, in which AGAMEMNON is represented as blowing a kiss, across the Prytaneum, to CLYTEMNESTRA, who is pacing the Bema, in the absence of her guardian on a secret expedition. ÆGISTHUS appears in the background, detained by some law business, and the Chorus is endeavouring to convince him that he is in the wrong. This powerful painting, with its subtle _nuances_, its harmonious play of light and shade, its truthful rendering of the Piraeus, and the splendid drawing of the Chorus's left leg, will carry conviction to all who can reverence a conscientious manipulation of another of the grand old trilogies of the Athenian stage.

The new metal, Fluozinium, is steadily making its way against the current of scientific prejudice. It has been discovered in almost limitless quantities in conjunction with tufa and hæmatite; and the most delicate persons may inhale its fumes with perfect safety. In specific gravity Fluozinium is superior both to nickel and cobalt; it will ignite nowhere but on the box, and not often there; and for porosity, frangibility, and opalescence, no metal in our time has approached it.

The Dryrot Society have at the present time two more volumes of unusual interest ready for their subscribers, who, it must be said, regretfully, are much in arrear with their subscriptions. One is the Foundation Deeds, in abbreviated Latin, of the Monastery of St. Kilda, in Kincardineshire, dating as far back as the fourteenth century; the other, a list of all persons holding _in capite_ a carucate of land and upwards, who were in fief to the Crown in the Border Wars. A few copies will be struck off on large paper, and six on vellum.

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=THE SPEAKER-ELECT.=

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=JOLLY WET.=

HOORAY! It rains, it pelts, it pours, At work I shall be free from bores, Who call and stay. The storm that roars, The wet, will keep them all in-doors.

I've but to dread the Postman's knock, A sharp but momentary shock, I'll hope that it may bring no worse, Than some attempt upon my purse.

Prospectus, Circular, or Puff, Into the fire just won't I stuff, And smile, as to myself I say, "That postage-stamp is thrown away!"

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INQUESTS QUITE UNNECESSARY.

On Thursday last week, at a meeting of the Middlesex Magistrates:--