Chapter 2

Well, here we are, and very comfortable too. But why does none of these cars have any means of communication between the owner and the man next to the chauffeur? There is always a telephone to the chauffeur, but none to the overflow guest on the box. So that when the host sees an old manor-house which he thinks the guest hasn't noticed he has to hammer on the glass and do semaphore; and the guest thinks he is being asked if he is warm enough.

Otherwise, though, this is a nice car. It is very cosy in here. Dark and quiet and warm. I could go to sleep in here.

* * * * *

What? What's that? No, I don't really want to buy it, thank you. I just wanted to see if it was a good sleeping-car. As a matter of fact I think it is. But I don't like the colour. And what I really want is a _cabriolet_. Good afternoon. Thank you....

A pleasant gentleman, that. I wish I could have bought the Saloon. She would have liked me. So would he, I expect.

Well, we had better go home. I shan't buy any more cars to-day. And we won't go up to the gallery; there is nothing but oleo-plugs and graphite-grease up there. That sort of thing spoils the romance.

Ah, here is dear Jane again! What a pity it was---- Hallo, they have come back--the two nice herrings. They are bargaining--they are beating him down. No, he is beating them up. Go on--go on. Yes, you can run to that--_of course_ you can. Sell those oil shares. Look at her--_look_ at her! You can't leave her here for one of the bloaters. He wavers; he consults. "Such a lovely colour." Ah, that's done it! He has decided. He has bought. She has bought. They have bought. Hurrah!

A. P. H.

* * * * *

THE PREMIER'S METAPHORS.

Some time ago the PREMIER beheld the sunrise upon the mountains, and now he has plunged his thermometer into the lava to discover that the stream is cooling--indicating comfort, let us hope, to any who may be buried beneath it. Only by an oversight, we understand, did he omit to mention in his speech at the Guildhall that the chamois is once more browsing happily among the blooming edelweiss.

But in continuing his lofty metaphors Mr. LLOYD GEORGE will find himself confronted by no small difficulty when dealing with the glacier. What can he say that the glacier is doing? It must do something. A glacier is of no rhetorical value if it merely stays where it is. One may take in hand the ice-axe of resolution and the alpenstock of enterprise and pull over one's boots the socks of Coalition, but the glacier remains practically unchanged by these preparations. It would be of little use to declare that its uneven surface is being levelled by the steam-roller of progress and its crevasses filled in by the cement of human kindness, because the Opposition Press would soon get scientists, engineers and statisticians to establish the absurdity of such a claim. And to announce that the glacier is getting warmer would create no end of a panic among the homesteads in the valley. Unless he is very, very careful Mr. LLOYD GEORGE may make a grave slip in negotiating the glacier.

Then the "awful avalanche" has not yet been dealt with. A few helpful words on the direction this is likely to take and the safest rock to make for when it begins to move might be welcomed by the PREMIER'S followers. He may argue that it is folly to meet trouble half-way, but on the other hand, if he does not speak on this subject soon, the opportunity may disappear. Let him avoid the glacier if he chooses; he cannot (so we are informed) escape the avalanche.

* * * * *

"WHAT'S YOURS?" "THINK I'LL HAVE A COLLAR."

"TWO COLLARS, PLEASE--SEVENTEENS." "CHEERIO!"

"NOW YOU MUST HAVE ONE WITH ME. WHAT ABOUT AN EVENING SHIRT?" "NO, NO, IT'S TOO EARLY." "THE SAME AGAIN, THEN?" "WELL, PERHAPS A SOFT ONE THIS TIME."

"SAME AGAIN, PLEASE--ONLY SOFT."

"BYE-BYE! SEE YOU AGAIN SOON."]

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE SAYINGS OF BARBARA.

The man who sets out to expose popular fallacies or to confound time-honoured legends is bound to make enemies.

The latest legend I have been privileged to explore is not the product of superstition and slow time, but a deliberately manufactured growth of comparatively recent origin. It is concerned with Barbara, not the impersonal lady who figures in the old logic-book doggerel, but an extremely live and highly illogical person to whom for half a decade I have had the honour to be father. It is also concerned with Barbara's Aunt Julia and, in a lesser degree, with Barbara's mother.

From the time (just over three years ago) when Barbara first attempted articulate speech I have been bombarded with reports of the wonderful things my daughter has said. In the earlier years these diverting stories, for which Julia was nearly always cited as authority, reached me through the medium of the Field Post-Office, and, being still fairly new to fatherhood, I used proudly to retail them in Mess, until an addition was made to the rule relating to offences punishable by a round of drinks.

On my brief visits home I would wait expectantly for the brilliant flashes of humour or of uncanny intelligence to issue from Barbara's lips, and her failure during these periods to sustain her reputation I was content to explain on the assumption that I came within the category of casual visitors. But I have now lived in my own home for over a year, and Barbara and I have become very well acquainted. She talks to me without restraint, and at times most engagingly, but seldom, if ever, does she give utterance in my hearing to a _jeu d'esprit_ that I feel called upon to repeat to others. Nevertheless until a few days ago I was still constantly being informed--chiefly by Barbara's aunt and less frequently by her mother--of the "killing" things that child had been saying. I grew privately sceptical, but had no proof, and it was only by accident that I was at last enabled to prick the bubble.

Julia (who besides being Barbara's aunt is Suzanne's sister) had come to tea and was chatting in the drawing-room with Suzanne (who besides being Julia's sister is Barbara's mother and my wife) and Barbara (whose relationship all round has been sufficiently indicated). The drawing-room door was open, and so was that of my study on the opposite side of the passage, where I was coquetting with a trifle of work. The conversation, which I could not help overhearing, was confined for the most part to Julia and Barbara, and ran more or less on the following lines:--

_Julia._ Where's Father, Babs?

_Barbara._ In the libery.

_Julia._ Working hard, I suppose?

_Barbara._ Yes.

_Julia._ Or do you think he's sleeping? (_No answer._) Don't you think father's probably asleep half the time he's supposed to be working?

_Barbara._ Probly. What you got in that bag?

_Julia._ I expect that big armchair he sits in is just a weeny bit too comfy for real work.

_Barbara._ I've eated up all those choc'lates you did bring me.

_Julia._ Perhaps we'll find some more presently. Do you think Father writes in his sleep?

_Barbara._ Yes, I fink he does.

_Julia._ Listen to her, Suzie. I expect really he only dreams he's working. Don't you, Babs?

At this point I thought it advisable, for the sake of preserving the remnants of my parental authority, to come in to tea. Julia was handing Barbara a packet of chocolate, and greeted me with an arch inquiry as to whether I had been busy writing. I replied with a hearty affirmative.

"You ought to hear what your daughter has been saying about you," said Julia.

"Oh, and what does Barbara say?" I asked.

"She says that when Father sits in that stuffy little room of his he usually writes in his sleep. She really does take the most amazing notice of things, and the way she expresses herself is quite weird."

"So Barbara says I write in my sleep?"

"Yes, you heard her, didn't you, Suzie? Oh, and did I tell you that the other day, during that heavy thunderstorm, she said that the angels and the devils must be having a big battle and that she supposed the angels would soon be going over the top?"

"Come here, Barbara," I said.

Barbara, who at her too fond aunt's request had been granted the privilege of taking tea in the drawing-room, stuffed the better half of a jam sandwich into her mouth and came.

"Do you see those rich-looking pink cakes?" I asked her. "You shall have one as soon as we've had a little talk."

"The biggest and pinkiest one?" demanded Barbara.

"Yes. Now tell me--don't you think that people ought always to speak the truth, and to be especially careful not to distort the remarks of others?"

"Yes. Can I have the one with the greeny thing on it?"

"Certainly, in a minute. And don't you think that women are much more careless of the truth than men?"

"Yes. Can I----"

"Do you love your Aunt Julia?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Cos she always has got choc'lates in her bag."

"But don't you think it's much more important to have the truth in your heart than chocolates in your bag?"

"Yes. Now can I have my pink cake?"

I released and rewarded her, and Julia prepared to speak her mind. Fortunately, however, just at that moment my brother Tom, who is Barbara's godfather, came in.

"Why, what a big girl we're getting!" he observed to Barbara in his best godfatherly manner. "I suppose we shall soon be going to school?"

"Oh, no, not yet awhile," I interposed. "The fact is she's already far too forward, and we think it a good thing to keep her back a bit. You'd never believe the amazing remarks she makes. Just now, for instance, we happened to be discussing the comparative love of truth inherent in men and women, and Barbara chipped in and told me she thought women were far more careless of the truth than men."

"Good heavens!" said Tom, who is a bachelor by conviction. "She certainly hit the nail on the head there."

"Yes, and she added that she herself prized truth above chocolates."

"It sounds almost incredible," gasped Tom.

"Doesn't it? But ask Julia; she heard it all. And Julia will also tell you what Barbara remarked about my work."

But Julia, who was already gathering her furs about her, followed up an unusual silence by a sudden departure.

From what Suzanne has since refrained from saying I am confident that I've broken the back of one more legend, and saved Barbara from the fate of having to pass the rest of her childhood living up (or down) to a spurious halo of precocity.

* * * * *

* * * * *

Another Impending Apology.

"DEPARTURE OF THE LIEUT.-GOVERNOR. ENTHUSIASTIC SCENES."

_Channel Islands Paper._

* * * * *

"Indeed, it is simple to understand why the Canadian portion of the audience almost rise from their seats when Fergus Wimbus, the 'Man,' says, 'Canada is the land of big things, big thoughts, bing hopes."--_Provincial Paper._

Not forgetting the "Byng Boys" either.

* * * * *

MUSICAL CARETAKERS.

["A LADY is willing to give a thoroughly-good HOME to a GRAND PIANO (German make preferred), also a COTTAGE, for anyone going abroad."--_Morning Paper._]

A GRAMOPHONE of small to medium age can be received as p.g. in select RESIDENTIAL HOTEL. Young, bright, musical society. Separate tables.

* * * * *

WILL any LADY or GENTLEMAN offer hospitality on the Cornish Riviera for the winter months to an EX-SERVICE CORNET suffering from chronic asthma (slight)?

* * * * *

BAG-PIPES (sisters) in reduced circumstances owing to the War, seek sit. as COMPANIONS or MOTHER'S HELPS, town or country.

* * * * *

From a list of forthcoming productions:--

"THEATRE ROYAL, ----. Boo Early."

* * * * *

* * * * *

YARNS.

When the docks are all deserted and the derricks all are still, And the wind across the anchorage comes singing sad and shrill, And the lighted lanthorns gleaming where the ships at anchor ride Cast their quivering long reflections down the ripple of the tide,

Then the ships they start a-yarning, just the same as sailors do In a hundred docks and harbours from Port Talbot to Chefoo, Just the same as deep-sea sailormen a-meeting up and down In the bars and boarding-houses and the streets of Sailor-town.

Just the same old sort of ship-talk sailors always like to hear-- Just the same old harbour gossip gathered in from far and near, In the same salt-water lingo sailors use the wide world round, From the shores of London river to the wharves of Puget Sound,

With a gruff and knowing chuckle at a spicy yarn or so, And a sigh for some old shipmate gone the way that all men go, And there's little need to wonder at a grumble now and then, For the ships must have their growl out, just the same as sailormen.

And they yarn along together just as jolly as you please, Lordly liner, dingy freighter rusty-red from all the seas, Of their cargoes and their charters and their harbours East and West, And the coal-hulk at her moorings, she is yarning with the best,

Telling all the same tales over many and many a time she's told, In a voice that's something creaky now because she's got so old, Like some old broken sailorman when drink has loosed his tongue And his ancient heart keeps turning to the days when he was young.

Is it but the chuckling mutter of the tide along the buoys, But the creak of straining cables, but the night wind's mournful noise, Sighing with a rising murmur in among the ropes and spars, Setting every shroud and backstay singing shanties to the stars?

No, the ships they all are yarning, just the same as sailors do, Just the same as deep-sea sailors from Port Talbot to Chefoo, Yarning through the hours of darkness till the daylight comes again, But oh! the things they speak of no one knows but sailormen.

C. F. S.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Monday, November 8th._--To allay the apprehensions of Sir JOHN REES the PRIME MINISTER informed him that the League of Nations can do nothing except by a unanimous decision of the Council. As the League already includes thirty-seven nations, it is not expected that its decisions will be hastily reached. Now, perhaps, the United States may think better of its refusal to join a body which has secured the allegiance of Liberia and of all the American Republics save Mexico.

The daily demand for an impartial inquiry into Irish "reprisals" met with its daily refusal. The PRIME MINISTER referred to "unfortunate incidents that always happen in war"--the first time that he has used this word to describe the situation in Ireland--and was confident that the sufferers were, with few exceptions (Mr. DEVLIN, who complained that his office had been raided, being one of them), "men engaged in a murderous conspiracy." He declined to hamper the authorities who were putting it down. Taking his cue from his chief, Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD excused his lack of information about recent occurrences with the remark that "an officer cannot draw up reports while he is chasing assassins." Tragedy gave way to comedy when Lieutenant-Commander KENWORTHY observed that the proceedings were "just like the German Reichstag during the War." "Were you there?" smartly interjected General CROFT.

The Government of Ireland Bill having been recommitted, Sir WORTHINGTON EVANS explained the Government's expedient for providing the new Irish Parliaments with Second Chambers. Frankly admitting that the Cabinet had been unable to evolve a workable scheme--an elected Senate would fail to protect the minority and a nominated Senate would be "undemocratic"--he proposed that the Council of Ireland should be entrusted with the task.

Having regard to the probable composition of the Council--half Sinn Feiners and half Orangemen--Colonel GUINNESS feared there was no chance of its agreeing unless most of them were laid up with broken heads or some other malady. Sir EDWARD CARSON, however, in an unusually optimistic vein, expressed the hope that once the North was assured of not being put under the South and the South was relieved of British dictation they would "shake hands for the good of Ireland." The clause was carried by 175 to 31.

On another new clause, providing for the administration of Southern Ireland in the event of a Parliament not being set up, Mr. ASQUITH declared that "this musty remainder biscuit" had reduced him to "rhetorical poverty." Perhaps that was why he could get no more than ten Members to follow him into the Lobby against it.

_Tuesday, November 9th._--In supporting Lord PARMOOR'S protest against the arrest, at Holyhead, of an English lady by order of the Irish Executive, Lord BUCKMASTER regretted that there was no one in the House of Lords responsible for the Irish Office, and consequently "they were always compelled to accept official answers." A strictly official answer was all he got from Lord CRAWFORD, who declared that the arrest had been made under the authority of D.O.R.A., and gave their Lordships the surely otiose reminder that "conditions were not quite simple or normal in Ireland just now."

Mr. SHORTT has formed his style on the model of one of his predecessors in office, who used to be described as the Quite-at-Home Secretary, and he declined to share Colonel BURN'S alarm at the prevalence of revolutionary speeches. Hyde Park, he reminded him, had always been regarded as a safety-valve for discontented people. Even Mr. L'ESTRANGE MALONE'S recent reference to Ministers and lamp-posts did not at that moment disturb him.

The new Ministry of Health Bill had a rather rough passage, and, if the voting had been in accordance with the speeches, it would hardly have secured a second reading. Particular objection was raised to the proposal to put the hospitals on the rates. Mr. MYERS, however, was sarcastic at the expense of people who thought that "rates and taxes must be saved though the people perished," and declared that there was plenty of war wealth to be drawn upon.

Lieut.-Colonel HURST objected to the term "working-class" in the Bill. It would encourage the Socialistic fallacy that the people of England were divided into two classes--the leisured class and the working class; whereas everybody knew that most of the "leisured class" had no leisure and many of the "working-class" did no work.

_Wednesday, November 10th._--The Peers welcomed Lord BUXTON on his advancement to an earldom, and then proceeded to discuss the rights of the inhabitants of Heligoland. Having been handed over to Germany against their will in 1890, they hoped that the Treaty of Versailles would restore them to British nationality. On the contrary the Treaty has resulted in the island being swamped by German workmen employed in destroying the fortifications. Lord CRAWFORD considered that the new electoral law requiring three years' residence would safeguard the islanders from being politically submerged, and wisely did not enter into the question of how long the island itself would remain after the fortifications had disappeared.

In the Commons the INDIAN SECRETARY underwent his usual Wednesday cross-examination. He did not display quite his customary urbanity. When an hon. Member, whose long and distinguished Indian service began in the year in which Mr. MONTAGU was born, ventured to suggest that he should check Mr. GANDHI'S appeals to ignorance and fanaticism, he tartly replied that ignorance and fanaticism were very dangerous things, "whether in India or on the benches of this House."

Mr. STEWART expressed anxiety lest under the new arrangements with Egypt the Sudan water-supply should be subjected to Egyptian interference. Mr. HARMSWORTH was of opinion that for geographical reasons the Sudan would always be able to look after its own water-supply; _vide_ the leading case of _Wolf_ v. _Lamb_.

_Thursday, November 11th._--The PRIME MINISTER was in a more aggressive mood than usual. Mr. DEVLIN, who was noisily incredulous as to the existence of a Sinn Fein conspiracy with Germany in 1918, was advised to wait for the documents about to be published. To make things even, an ultra-Conservative Member, who urged the suspension of Mr. FISHER'S new Act, was informed that the PRIME MINISTER could conceive nothing more serious than that the nation should decide that it could not afford to give children a good education.

Any doubts as to the suitability of Armistice Day for the Third Reading of the Government of Ireland Bill were removed by the tone of the debate. The possibility that the "Unknown Warrior" might have been an Irishman softened the feeling on both sides, and though Mr. ADAMSON feared that the Bill would bring Ireland not peace but a sword, and Mr. ASQUITH appealed to the Government to substitute a measure more generous to Irish aspirations, there was no sting in either of their speeches. The PRIME MINISTER, while defending his scheme as the best that could be granted in the present temper of Southern Ireland, did not bang the door against further negotiations; and Sir EDWARD CARSON said that Ulstermen were beginning to realize that the Parliament thrust upon them might be a blessing in disguise, and expressed the hope that in working it they would set an example of tolerance and justice to all classes. Barely a third of the House took part in the division, and no Irish Member voted for the Third Reading, which was carried by 183 votes to 52; but, having regard to the influence of the unexpected in Irish affairs, this apparent apathy may be a good sign. After thirty-five years of acute strife, Home Rule for Ireland is, at any rate, no longer a party question.

* * * * *

* * * * *

Jones minor wants to know if the letter "T," used to designate the new super-bus, stands for "TARQUINIUS."

* * * * *

THE GREAT IDEA.

Perkins has got hold of a brilliant idea. He explained it to me in the Tube yesterday.

"Our little world," he said, "is turned topsy-turvy."

"Knocked absolutely sideways," I replied.

"Those who were rich in the old days," said Perkins, "haven't two sixpences to rub together, and the world's workers are rolling in Royces and having iced méringues with every meal. What follows?"