Chapter 1

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 159.

November 17th, 1920.

CHARIVARIA.

It is rumoured that a gentleman who purchased a miniature two-seater car at the Motor Show last week arrived home one night to find the cat playing with it on the mat.

* * *

It appears that nothing definite has yet been decided as to whether _The Daily Mail_ will publish a Continental edition of the Sandringham Hat.

* * *

The matter having passed out of the hands of D.O.R.A., the Westminster City Council recommend the abolition of the practice of whistling for cabs at night. Nothing is said about the custom of making a noise like a five-shilling tip.

* * *

We shall not be surprised if Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN becomes the Viceroy of India, says a gossip-writer. We warn our contemporary against being elated, for it is almost certain that another Chancellor of the Exchequer would be appointed in his place.

* * *

During the Lord Mayor's Show last week we understand that the LORD MAYOR'S coachman was accompanied by the LORD MAYOR.

* * *

The licensee of a West Ham public-house has just purchased a parrot which is trained to imitate the bagpipes. The bird's life will of course be insured.

* * *

Ireland will have to be careful or she will be made safe for democracy, like the other countries.

* * *

Upon hearing that Mr. WILLIAM BRACE had accepted a Government appointment several members of the Labour Party said that this only confirmed their contention that his moustache would get him into trouble one day.

* * *

Mrs. STACKPOOL O'DELL warns girls against marrying a man whose head is flat at the back. The best course is to get one with a round head; after marriage it can be flattened to taste.

* * *

A man who persistently refused to give any information about himself was remanded at the Guildhall last week. He is thought to be a British taxpayer going about _incognito_.

* * *

The cackle of a hen when she lays an egg, says a scientist, is akin to laughter. And with some of the eggs we have met we can easily guess what the hen was laughing at.

* * *

The National Collection of Microbes at the Lister Institute now contains eight hundred different specimens. Visitors are requested not to tease the germs or go too near their cages.

* * *

A large spot on the sun has been seen by the meteorological experts at Greenwich Observatory. We understand that it will be allowed to remain.

* * *

Mr. RAYMOND FORSDIK, of Chicago, states that twelve times more murders are committed in Chicago than in London. But, under Prohibition, Satan is bound to find mischief for idle hands.

* * *

Canon F. J. Meyrick, of Norwich, is reported to have caught a pike weighing twenty-five pounds. In view of the angler's profession we suppose we must believe this one.

* * *

A curate of Bedford Park has had his bicycle stolen from the church, and as there were a number of people in the congregation it is difficult to know whom to blame.

* * *

"Shall Onkie Live?" asks a _Daily Mail_ headline. We don't know who he is, but he certainly has our permission. We cannot, however, answer for Mr. BOB WILLIAMS.

* * *

With reference to the complaint that a City man made about his telephone, we are pleased to say that a great improvement is reported. The instrument was taken away the other day.

* * *

Discussing the remuneration of Cabinet Ministers a contemporary doubts whether they get what they deserve. This only goes to prove that we are a humane race.

* * *

Hatters say that the price of rabbit skins is likely to ruin the trade. Meanwhile the mere act of getting the skins is apt to ruin the rabbit.

* * *

"Mine," says General TOWNSHEND, "was a mission which NAPOLEON would have refused." We doubt, however, if Lord NORTHCLIFFE is to be drawn like that.

* * *

Dr. E. HALFORD ROSS, of Piccadilly, is of the opinion that coal contains remarkable healing powers. Quite a number of people contemplate buying some of the stuff.

* * *

"What does milk usually contain?" asks a weekly paper. We can only say it wouldn't be fair for us to reply, as we know the answer.

* * * * *

* * * * *

=An Indomitable Spirit.=

"Mr. ----'s tank held only ---- Spirit during the whole climb and not satisfied with climbing _up_ Snowdon Mr. ---- then drove down again." _Motoring Paper_.

* * * * *

"WHY I DIDN'T GO TO THE BAR. By Horatio Bottomley." "_John Bull_" _Poster_.

Perhaps it was after hours.

* * * * *

"This upset Mr. Chesterton, a patriotic, beer-eating Englishman."--_Sunday Paper_.

We deplore the modern tendency to pry into the details of an author's dietary.

* * * * *

"What the word 'Democracy' was intended to mean was that every man should have to betrTcOshrdluesthafaodfabadofgarfaf." _Local Paper_.

We have long suspected this.

* * * * *

"MILWAUKEE.--Fourteen cases of whiskey, a large quantity of brandies, gin and wines were found stored in a bathhouse. It will be presented to the federal grand jury for action." _Canadian Paper_.

Not the obvious form of "direct action," we trust.

* * * * *

=HOW TO VITALISE THE DRAMA.=

_A hint of what might be done by following the example of the Press_.

["More than one actor-manager during the past few months has been searching round frantically in his efforts to find a new play." _The Times_.]

Oh, have you marked upon the breeze The wail of hunger which occurs When starved theatrical lessees Commune with hollow managers? "Where is Dramatic Art?" they say; "Can no one, _no one_, write a play?"

I cannot think why this should be, This bitter plaint of sudden dearth; To write a play would seem to me Almost the easiest thing on earth. Sometimes I feel that even I Could do it if I chose to try.

What! can this Art be in its grave Whose form was lately so rotund, Whose strength was as a bull's and gave No sign of being moribund? I'm sure my facts are right, or how Do you account for _Chu Chin Chow_?

As for the gods, their judgment shows No loss of _flair_ for grace or wit; We see the comic's ruby nose Reduce to pulp the nightly pit, Whose patrons, sound in head and heart, Still love the loftiest type of Art.

Nor should the playwright fail for lack Of matter, if with curious eyes He follows in our Pressmen's track, Who find the source of their supplies In Life, that ever-flowing font, And "give the public what they want."

If authors, moving with the times, Would only feed us, like the Press, On squalid "mysteries," ugly crimes, Scandals and all that carrion mess, I see no solid reason why Dramatic Art should ever die.

O. S.

* * * * *

=UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.=

II.--MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL.

If it be urged that a few trifling inaccuracies have crept into the sketch which is here given of a great statesman's personality I can only say, "_Humanum est errare_," and "_Homo sum: humani nihil alienum a me puto_." These two Latin sentences, I find, invariably soothe all angry passions; you have only to try their effect the next time you stamp on the foot of a stout man when alighting from an Underground train.

Of all the present-day politicians, and indeed there are not a few, upon whose mantelpieces the bust of NAPOLEON BONAPARTE is displayed, Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is probably the most assiduous worshipper at the great Corsican's shrine. How often has he not entered his sanctum at the War Office, peering forward with that purposeful dominating look on his face, and discovered a few specks of dust upon his favourite effigy. With a quick characteristic motion of the thumb resembling a stab he rings the bell. A flunkey instantly appears. "Bust that dust," says the WAR MINISTER. And then, correcting himself instantly, with a genial smile, "I should say, Dust that bust."

But NAPOLEON'S is not the only head that adorns Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S room. On a bookshelf opposite is a model of his own head, such as one may sometimes see in the shop windows of hatters, and close beside is a small private hat-making plant, together with an adequate supply of the hair of the rabbit, the beaver, the vicuna and similar rodents, and a quantity of shellac. Few days pass in which the WAR MINISTER does not spend an hour or two at his charming hobby, for, contrary to the general opinion, he is far from satisfied with the headgear by which he is so well known, or even with the Sandringham hat of _The Daily Mail_, and lives always in hopes of modelling the ideal hat which is destined to immortalise him and be worn by others for centuries to come. The work of a great statesman lives frequently in the mindful brain of posterity, less frequently upon it.

Other mementos which adorn this remarkable room at the War Office are a porcelain pot containing a preserve of Blenheim oranges, a framed photograph of the Free Trade Hall at Manchester, a map of Mesopotamia with the outpost lines and sentry groups of the original Garden of Eden, marked by paper flags, and a number of lion-skin rugs of which the original occupants were stalked and killed by their owner on his famous African tour. In his more playful moments the WAR MINISTER has been known to clothe himself completely in one of these skins and growl ferociously from behind a palm at an unwelcome intruder.

Of the man himself perhaps the most distinguishing characteristic is dynamic energy. Whether other people's energy is ever dynamic I do not know, but undoubtedly Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S is; he dominates, he quells. He is like one of those people in the papers with zig-zags sticking out all over them because they have been careful to wear an electric belt. He exudes force. Sometimes one can almost hear him crackle.

As a politician it is true he has not yet tried every office; he has not, for instance, been Chancellor of the Exchequer, though his unbounded success in the Duchy of Lancaster amply shows what his capabilities as a Chancellor are. But as a soldier, a pig-sticker and a polo-player he is rapidly gaining pre-eminence, and as an author and journalist his voice is already like a swan's amongst screech-owls. (I admit that that last bit ought to have been in Latin, but I cannot remember what the Latin for a screech-owl is. I have an idea that it increases in the genitive, but quite possibly I may be thinking of dormice.)

Anyhow, to return to Mr. CHURCHILL'S room: whilst the floor is littered with volumes that have been sent to him for review, his desk is equally littered with proofs of essays, sermons, leaders and leaderettes for the secular and Sunday Press. As a novelist he has scarcely fulfilled his early promise, but it is on record that he was once introduced to a stranger from the backwoods, who asked ignorantly, "Am I speaking to the statesman or the author?"

"Not _or_, but _and_," replied the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR, with a simple dignity like that of ST. AUGUSTINE.

To poetry he is not greatly attached, preferring to leave this field of letters to his staff. When asked for his favourite passage of English verse he has indeed been known to cite a single line from Mr. HILAIRE BELLOC'S _Modern Traveller_--

"That marsh, that admirable marsh!"

which is far from being Mr. BELLOC'S most mellifluous effort.

We feel bound to ask what is most likely to be the next outlet for Mr. CHURCHILL'S ebullient activity. Remembering that bust upon his mantelpiece it is hard to say. There are some who consider that, prevented by the sluggishness of our times from the chance of commanding an army in the field, he may turn his strategic mind at last to the position of Postmaster-General. If he does there can be no man better fitted than he to make our telephones hum.

K.

* * * * *

"A.--Comme vous voudrai.--P."

_Agony Column in Daily Paper_.

Taking advantage of "P.'s" kindness we may say that we prefer "_voudrez_."

* * * * *

"A TRUE FISHING STORY.

Lady ---- is surprising everyone with her skill as an angler and a shot. Last Friday, I am told, she caught two trout weighing 2-3/4 lb. and 3-1/4 lb. And on the same afternoon she got a right and a left hit at a roebuck with a small four-bore gun!"--_Daily Paper_.

Not caring to believe that she mistook a roebuck for an elephant, we are glad to note that the epithet "true" is only applied to the "fishing" part of the story.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

CONTEMPORARY FOLK-SONGS.

"THE GRAVE OF THE BOORZH-WAW-ZE."

[The following folk-song is believed to be a local (and adult) version of the ballad which, according to _The Times_, is now being sung by Communist children in the Glasgow Proletarian Schools, with the refrain:--

"Class-conscious we are singing, Class-conscious all are we, For Labour now is digging The grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze."

The metre is a bit jumpy, and so are the ideas, but you know what folk-songs are.]

Look, we are digging a large round hole, _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_ To put the abominable tyrant in-- The Minister, the Master, the Mandarin; And never a bloom above shall blow But scarlet-runners in a row to show _That this is the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze, With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_

Who do we put in the large round hole, _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee?_ The blackcoat, the parasite, the keeper of the laws, Who works with his head instead of with his paws; The doctor, the parson, the pressman, the mayor, The poet and the barrister, they'll all be there, _Snug in the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze, With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_

Dig, dig, dig, it will have to be big, _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_ One great cavity, and then one more For the bones of the SECRET'RY OF STATE FOR WAR; The editor, the clerk and, of course, old THOMAS, We wring their necks and we fling them from us _Into the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze, With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_

Peace and Brotherhood, that's our line, _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_ But nobody, of course, can co-exist In the same small planet with a Communist; Man is a brotherhood, that we know, And the whole damn family has got to go _Plomp in the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze, With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_

Too many people are alive to-day, _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_ Red already is the Red, Red Sea With the blood of the brutal Boorzh-waw-ze, And that's what the rest of the globe will be-- _Believe me!_ We'll stand at last with the Red Flag furled* In a perfectly void vermilion world With the citizens (if any) who have _not_ been hurled _Into the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze, With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i ... Honk, honk!_

A. P. H.

[* NOTE.--In the Somerset version the word is "_un_furled," which makes better sense but scans even worse than the rest of the song. I have therefore followed the Gloucestershire tradition.]

* * * * *

SOURCES OF LAUGHTER.

"It will have to be a great deal funnier than that before it's funny," said George.

This represented the general opinion, though Edna, who has a good heart, professed to find it diverting already. Unfortunately she has no sense of humour.

Jerry, the writer, claimed exemption on the ground of being the writer, though he did not see why his article should not remove gravity (as they say in _The Wallet of Kai Lung_) from other people quite as effectually as the silly tosh of A. and B. and C., naming some brilliant and successful humorists.

The company then resolved itself into a Voluntary Aid Detachment.

When they met again at tea Edna made the suggestion of a sprinkling of puns.

"We've got rather beyond that, I think," said the victim with dignity.

"I'm not so sure," said George cruelly, "that you can afford to neglect any means. Some people laugh at them even now, in this twentieth century, in this beautiful England of ours."

"And I can tell you why," broke in Raymond eagerly. He took from his pocket a well-known Manual of Psychology and whirled over the pages.

"Meanwhile," said George learnedly, "BERGSON may be of some assistance to you. He knows all about laughter. He analysed it."

"Why couldn't he leave it alone?" said Allegra uneasily.

"He defines laughter," said George, "as 'a kind of social gesture.'"

"It isn't," said Allegra rashly. "At least," she added, "that sort of thing isn't going to help Jerry. Do give it up."

"Well, then, here's something more practical," said George. "Listen. 'A situation is always comical when it belongs at one and the same time to two series of absolutely independent events, and can at the same time be interpreted in two different ways.'"

"I should think," said Edna brightly, "that might be very amusing."

She remarked later that it made it all seem very clear, but even she showed signs of relief when Raymond interrupted, having found his place.

"Here we are!" he exclaimed. "The book says that the reason a pun amuses you----"

"It doesn't amuse me," said most of the company.

"But it does--it must amuse you. It's all down here in black and white. Listen. The reason a pun amuses you is as follows: 'It impels the mind to identify objects quite disconnected. This obstructs the flow of thought; but this is too transient to give rise to pain, and the relief which comes with insight into the true state of the case may be a source of keen pleasure. Mental activity suddenly obstructed and so heightened is at once set free, and is so much greater than the occasion demands that----'"

"And is that why we laugh at things?" said Allegra sadly.

The heavy silence which followed was broken by the voice of Mrs. Purkis, the charlady, who "comes in to oblige," and was now taking a short cut to the front gate, under Cook's escort, by way of the parsley bed. This brought her within earshot of the party, who were taking tea on the lawn.

When Mrs. Purkis could contain her mirth so as to make herself understood, her words were these: "I dunno why, but when I see 'im stand like that, staring like a stuck pig, I thought I'd died a-larf'n. I dunno why, but it made me _larf_----"

She passed, like _Pippa_.

"Listen to her," said Allegra in bitter envy. "_She doesn't know why._"

And Allegra burst into tears.

* * * * *

* * * * *

What's in a Name?

"'A Recital' will be given by Miss H. E. Stutter (the well-known Elocutionist)."

_Local Paper._

* * * * *

AT THE BLOATER SHOW.

The last time I was at Olympia--as everybody says at the door--it was a Horse Show. But this time it is much the same. There they stand in their stalls, the dear, magnificent, patient creatures, with their glossy coats and their beautiful curves, their sensitive radiators sniffing for something over the velvet ropes. Panting, I know they are, to be out in the open again; and yet I fancy they enjoy it all in a way. It would be ungrateful if they did not; for, after all, the whole thing has been arranged for them. The whole idea of the Show is to let the motors inspect the bloaters--and not what you think. (You don't know what bloaters are? Well, I can't explain without being rude.)

All the year round they can study _ad nauseam_ their own individual bloaters; but this is the only occasion on which they have the whole world of bloaters paraded in front of them for inspection. Now only can they compare notes and exchange grievances.

And how closely they study the parade! Here is a pretty limousine, a blonde; see how she watches the two huge exhibits in front of her. They are very new bloaters, and one of them--oh, horror!--one of them is going to buy. He has never bought before; she knows his sort. He will drive her to death; he may even drive her himself; he will stroke her lovely coat in a familiar, proprietary fashion; he will show her off unceasingly to other bloaters till she is hot all over and the water boils in her radiator. He will hold forth with a horrible intimacy and a yet more horrible ignorance on the most private secrets of her inner life. Not one throb of her young cylinders will be sacred, yet never will he understand her as she would like to be understood. He will mess her with his muddy boots; he will scratch her paint; he will drop tobacco-ash all over her cushions--not from pipes; cigars only....

There--he has bought her. It is a tragedy. Let us move on.

Here is a little _coupé_--a smart young creature with a nice blue coat, fond of town, I should say, but quite at home in the country. She also is inspecting two bloaters. But these two are very shy. In fact they are not really bloaters at all; they are rather a pair of nice-mannered fresh herrings, not long mated. The male had something to do with that war, I should think; the _coupé_ would help him a good deal. The lady likes her because she is dark-blue. The other one likes her because of something to do with her works; but he is very reverent and tactful about it. He seems to know that he is being scrutinised, for he is nervous, and scarcely dares to speak about her to the groom in the top-hat. He will drive her himself; he will look after her himself; he will know all about her, all about her moods and fancies and secret failings; he will humour and coax her, and she will serve him very nobly.

Already, you see, they have given her a name--"Jane," I think they said; they will creep off into the country with her when the summer comes, all by themselves; they will plunge into the middle of thick forests and sit down happily in the shade at midday and look at her; and she will love them.

But the question is----Ah, they are shaking their heads; they are edging away. She is too much. They look back sadly as they go. Another tragedy....

Now I am going to be a bloater myself. Here is a jolly one, though her stable-name is much too long. She is a Saloon-de-Luxe, and she only costs £2,125 (why 5, I wonder--why not 6?) I can run to that, _surely_. At any rate I can climb up and sit down on her cushions; none of the grooms is looking. Dark-blue, I see, like Jane. That is the sort of car I love. I am like the lady herring; I don't approve of all this talk about the _insides_ of things; it seems to me to be rather indecent--unless, of course, you do it very nicely, like that young herring. When you go and look at a horse you don't ask how its sweetbread is arranged, or what is the principle of its liver. Then why should you...?