Chapter 2

cliff hieroglyph hippogriff skiff sniff stiff tiff whiff

Of these one may reject _hippogriff_ at once, as it is in the wrong metre. _Hieroglyph_ is attractive, and we might do worse than:--

There was a young man who said "If One murdered a hieroglyph----"

Having, however, no very clear idea of the nature of a hieroglyph I am afraid that this will also join the long list of unfinished masterpieces. Personally I should incline to something of this kind:--

There was a young man who said "If I threw myself over a cliff I do not believe _One_ person would grieve----"

Now the last line is going to be very difficult. The tragic loneliness, the utter disillusion of this young man is so vividly outlined in the first part of the poem that to avoid an anticlimax a really powerful last line is required. _But there are no powerful rhymes._ A serious poet, of course, could finish up with _death_ or _faith_, or some powerful word like that. But we are limited to _skiff_, _sniff_, _tiff_ and _whiff_. And what can you do with those? Students, I hope, will see what they can do. My own tentative solution is printed, by arrangement with the Editor, on another page (458). I do not pretend that it is perfect; in fact it seems to me to strike rather a vulgar note. At the same time it is copyright, and must not be set to music in the U.S.A.

I have left little time for comic poetry other than Limericks, but most of the above profound observations are equally applicable to both, except that in the case of the former it is usual to think of the _last_ line first. Having done that you think of some good rhymes to the last line and hang them up in mid-air, so to speak. Then you think of something to say which will fit on to those rhymes. It is just like Limericks, only you start at the other end; indeed it is much easier than Limericks, though, I am glad to say, nobody believes this. If they did it would be even harder to get money out of Editors than it is already.

We will now write a comic poem about Spring Cleaning. We will have verses of six lines, five ten-syllable lines and one six-syllable. As a last line for the first verse I suggest

Where have they put my hat?

We now require two rhymes to _hat_. In the present context _flat_ will obviously be one, and _cat_ or _drat_ will be another. Our resources at present are therefore as follows:--

Line 1-- ---- " 2-- ... flat. " 3-- ---- " 4-- ... cat or drat. " 5-- ---- " 6--Where have they put my hat?

As for the blank lines, _wife_ is certain to come in sooner or later, and we had better put that down, supported by _life_ ("What a life!"), and _knife_ or _strife_. There are no other rhymes, except _rife_, which is a useless word.

We now hold another parade:--

Terumti--umti--umti--umti--wife, Terumti--umti--umti--umti--flat; Teroodle--oodle--oodle--What a life! Terumti--oodle--umti--oodle--cat (or drat); Teroodle--umti--oodle--umti--knife (or strife); Where have they put my hat?

All that remains now is to fill in the umti-oodles, and I can't be bothered to do that. There is nothing in it.

A. P. H.

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"Will any gentleman requiring a House-keeper accept two decently brought up boys, age 12 and 8 years? Excellent cook and housekeeper; capable of full control."

_Daily Paper._

Someone really ought to give these young sportsmen a trial.

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* * * * *

THE LOQUACIOUS INSTINCT.

Don't you ever know the impulse, when you are idly turning the pages of a telephone directory, to ring up some total stranger and engage him in light conversation?

I do, quite intensely. In moments of ennui, when there is really nothing to do in the office, the fear of discovery alone restrains me. I'm not sure that I can rely on the professional secrecy of the girl at the exchange. Has she strength of mind to refuse a righteously indignant subscriber who demands to know (with imprecations) what number has been talking to him?

I could take her into my confidence, I suppose. Only the thing oughtn't to be elaborately premeditated; it should be sudden and spontaneous, the matter of a happy moment. You get your number and say:--

"Hullo! Is that Barefoot and Humpage, the architects? Can I speak to Mr. Barefoot--or Mr. Humpage?"

"Mr. Humpage speaking. Who is that, please?"

"Well, I want you to design me a cathedral. By to-morrow afternoon, if poss--"

"To design you a what?"

"A cathedral. C-A-T-H---- but I expect you heard me that time. A massive structure, you know, chiefly built of stone. As at Salisbury, and Ely, and--well, probably you'll know what I mean. Now, as to details----"

"Who are you?"

"I? Oh, I'm a collector of these buildings in a small way. But about this one we're discussing. Something in the pre-Raphaelite manner, do you think--with arpeggios dotted about here and there?"

Of course I don't know what Mr. Humpage would say at this point. Therein would lie the fascination of these experiments--to discover just what different people would say at that kind of point.

Take Mr. Absalom, for instance, who is described in the Directory as a commission agent. How would he express himself, I wonder, if I were to ring him up and request him to dispose, on the most advantageous terms, of my commission in the Army?

Messrs. Wheable Brothers too. Just the people I've been looking for.

"You're the sand and gravel contractors, aren't you?" I should begin, "Well, I know of some sand that badly wants contracting."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Perhaps I had better explain. You see, I always spend my holidays at Pipton-on-Sea. This year, in fact, I'm going there in two or three weeks' time. Earlier holidays--a splendid movement, what? See railway posters. In June the average snowfall is only---- But the point is that at Pipton there's a belt of about two miles of sand, even at high-tide--several hundred yards, anyhow--and it _does_ spoil the bathing so. Now if you could arrange to have this sand contracted to half or a third of its present width? Perhaps you'll quote me terms. Thank you so much."

Then there's the Steam Packet Company at a neighbouring port. One might ask them to supply half-a-dozen small packets of steam for the ungumming of envelope-flaps.

I find also in the Directory two or three gentlemen with the surname of "George." I could profess to be an earnest Liberal opponent of the PRIME MINISTER, accustomed to refer to him by that disrespectful abbreviation:--

"Oh, is that Mr. George? Well, Sir, I wanted to have a word with you on your handling of the European situation. Now, it's surely obvious that the Jugo-Slavs--"

It seems possible that your victim now and then might enter into the spirit of the thing and do his best to make the dialogue a success. Contrariwise, if you were seeking violent excitements, you would ask a retired admiral, let us say, his opinion on the question "Do flappers put their hair up too soon?" or some such urgent problem of the day. How jolly these promiscuous exercises in conversation might be!

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TO THE NEW POLICEMAN.

["Increased remuneration is attracting to the force a more intellectual and better class of recruit.... Police administration here is now organised in a more humanitarian spirit than formerly, and a policeman is as much encouraged to prevent the necessity of an arrest as to effect an arrest."--_Sir WILLIAM GENTLE (retiring chief of the Brighton Police Force, unofficially known as "Sir William Gentle's Gentlemen"), interviewed by "The Daily Sketch._"]

O Robert, in our hours of crime Certain to nab us every time, Or, failing, fill a dungeon cell With someone who does just as well;

Now you're a gentleman in blue Provided with a princely screw, More is expected of you still; You must _prevent_ us doing ill.

No longer is it deemed enough To slip the hand within the "cuff," To trap road-hogs and motor-bikes, Or merely to arrest _Bill Sikes_.

Thus, when you take position at The window of an empty flat, And _Bill_ arrives to burgle it, Urge him his evil ways to quit;

Or, posted in a public bar, Where men drink too much beer by far, Before them you might firmly put The arguments of PUSSYFOOT;

Or, summoned to a scene of strife, Persuade the fellow with the knife By means of tactful reasoning That murder is not quite the thing.

The world would profit if you took A leaf from out the Parson's book, Becoming a judicious blend Of "guide, philosopher and friend."

Discard your truncheon for a tract; Strive to admonish ere you act; In Virtue's force enrol recruits And stamp out Belial with your boots.

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ITEMS FROM ANYWHERE.

(_After the model of most of the dailies, by our specially unreliable news service._)

It is reported that, owing to the present high price of labour, a German Zeppelin is to be loaned to the Government to carry out the demolition of the nineteen unnecessary City churches.

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Arrested on a charge of loitering with felonious intent, Thomas Wrott, aged forty, of Featherleigh, Beds, stated that he was building a house.

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Though the titles of all the pictures in a recent Vorticist exhibition were placed by a printer's error opposite to the wrong numbers in the catalogue, none of the visitors discovered the mistake.

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Strike action is threatened in Manchester by the Amalgamated Society of Tyldesleys, several Lancashire wickets having been taken by non-union labour.

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It is reported that Lord FISHER was recently traversing _The Times_ with a belt of Biblical sentences when a cross-feed occurred, causing the action to jam.

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A silver salver is to be presented to the Royal Automobile Club in token of gratitude by octogenarian villagers of Sussex.

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"Experienced Cook-General Wanted; comfortable home; liberal outings; wages £40; policeman handy."--_Welsh Paper._

Would it not have been more tactful to say, "Copper in kitchen"?

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FOR REMEMBRANCE.

In stone perdurable and bronze austere We have bequeathed the memory of the dead Unto the yet unborn; "'their name,'" we said, "'Liveth for evermore'; each happier year Shall see, we trust, before the unmossed stone Love and Remembrance wed."

Though from dim hosts that narrow and recede Dear unforgotten eyes salute us still, Look back a moment, make our pulses thrill With the old music, though the festal weed Of Spring be cypress-girt, oblivion Will come, as Winter will.

Ah, not oblivion drowsing love and pain Into dull slumber; still we can retell How young blithe valour broke the powers of hell; We grope for hands that will not stir again In ours, hear still in every carillon The cadence of Farewell.

Not these things and not thus do we forget; But the informing spirit, the dream within And the high ardour that was half-akin To ancient faiths and half to hopes not yet Coherent, unperceived are surely gone, Like stars that dawnward set.

Though "their name liveth," the dream they died to bring Unto fruition eludes our fumbling hold; The Othman riders gallop to their old Red revels, and the seas are darkening Round all the Asian shores, while one by one Depart the sweets of Spring.

O you whom yet we mourn, for whom the song Of victory and sorrow dies not away, Well is it with you if beyond the grey Islands of sleep that you are met among No world-born memories win. May there be none! We have not remembered long.

Yet if beyond the sunset's golden choir, Instead of one august enduring sleep, There waits a life where memory shall keep Her ancient force and hope her old desire, Now, even now, on altars cleft and prone Rekindle the pure fire!

D. M. S.

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"SCOUNDREL AND MAN OF LETTERS.

One of the Prizewinners in Our Article Competition."--_Weekly Paper._

But ought an editor to give away his contributors like this?

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"M. Deves, the leading French amateur [tennis] of the day, who was beaten in 1914 after 'une tutte à charné,' as the French say, will be competing."--_Daily Paper._

The French have a lot to learn about their own language.

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"Dr. ---- will extract a tooth free from the person who will be kind enough to secure him an office in the Central district."

_North China Daily News._

This is presumably meant as an inducement, but it sounds like a threat.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Tuesday, June 1st._--Tempted by the fine weather a good many Members had evidently determined that the country was good enough for them and that Westminster could wait. But Viscount CURZON was not of their number. Was it not on the glorious First of June, a hundred and twenty-six years ago, that his great-great-great-grandfather won victory for his country and immortal fame for himself? On such an anniversary he was obviously bound, no matter at what personal inconvenience, to show a like public spirit. Accordingly, with a full sense of responsibility, he addressed to the appropriate Minister this momentous question: "Whether any fried fish shops are now the property or under the control of the Ministry of Munitions; and if so how many?" The House paused in awed anticipation of the reply, but breathed again when Mr. HOPE announced that "No fried fish shops are now nor, so far as is known, were ever conducted by the Ministry of Munitions."

No other episode of Question-time rose to this high level. Next in importance to it were Mr. BALDWIN'S revelations on the subject of "conscience-money." It seems that in one particular instance it cost the Treasury eleven shillings to acknowledge the receipt of half-a-sovereign; but that was because the dilatory tax-payer insisted that the depth of his remorse could only be adequately exhibited by a notice in the "agony-column." In ordinary cases no charge is incurred.

Any conscientious Sinn Feiner who may have been fearing lest the recent destruction of Inland Revenue offices in Ireland should prevent the authorities from sending out the usual demand-notes, may now forward his contribution direct to the Treasury without hesitation. Mr. BALDWIN is doubtless relying upon the wide adoption of this practice, for he stated that, although the damage might cause delay in the collection, it was not expected that the ultimate yield of the tax would be seriously affected.

The discussion on the Navy Estimates was chiefly conducted by Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY, who made half-a-dozen set speeches, besides any number of informal interjections. To place them in order of merit would be impossible, but of single passages that which perhaps carried most conviction with his audience was the description of the pre-war Navy as "a sort of pleasant service into which the fools of the family could be put."

In the discussion on the Navy Estimates Rear-Admiral Sir REGINALD HALL, resisting a proposal to hand over the coastguards to the Board of Trade, surprised the House with the apparently reactionary statement that "we do not want to run the Navy in water-tight compartments."

Commander BELLAIRS, enforcing the point that administration must depend upon policy, recalled the fact that in his time "the Mediterranean outlook" had given way to "the North Sea outlook," and expressed the confident belief that we should next have "the Pacific outlook." Well, let us hope we may. At any rate the House agreed with the FIRST LORD that the best way to ensure it was to keep the Navy strong and efficient, for by half-past eight it had passed all the Votes submitted to it.

_Wednesday, June 2nd._--Derby Day and an adjournment of the House of Commons! Mr. BALFOUR might well rub his eyes and wonder if there had been a revival of the Saturnian days when Lord ELCHO used annually to mount his favourite hobby and witch the House with noble horsemanship. But on this occasion the adjournment lasted only half-an-hour, and had nothing to do with Epsom. Chivalry, not sport, was its motive. The House merely wished to do honour to its Leader by assisting at the presentation of its wedding gift to Miss BONAR LAW (now Lady SYKES).

At Question-time Lord CURZON sought information regarding the British Naval Mission recently captured at Baku, and inquired whether the Government intended to continue negotiating with people who were keeping our men in prison. Sir JAMES CRAIG could not say anything on the question of policy, but to some extent relieved the anxiety of the House by stating that the last news of the prisoners was that they were seen playing football.

The complications of the Peace Settlement continue to increase. Thus President WILSON has consented to delimit the boundaries of Armenia, although the United States shows no desire to undertake the mandate for its administration. No doubt it is with the kindly intention of helping those dilatory Americans to make up their minds that Turkey has asked for an extension of time before signing the Treaty.

The placid progress of the Government of Ireland Bill through Committee was broken this afternoon when Captain COLIN COOTE proposed to hand over the control of the armed forces of the Crown in Ireland to the new Parliaments. His argument was in brief that these bodies must be given serious responsibilities which would compel them to unite. He wanted, as he said, to "infuse blood into their veins" at whatever risk--_COOTE que coûte._

The idea of providing a probably Sinn Fein Parliament in Dublin with submarines and aeroplanes did not appeal to the FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY, who was hotly rebuked for his lack of imagination by Captain ELLIOT. The fact that two young Coalitionists should have advocated such revolutionary ideas inspired another of Sir EDWARD CARSON'S gloomy variations on the theme that any form of Home Rule must lead ultimately to separation.

_Thursday, June 3rd._--Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD, who took his seat on Tuesday, answered Irish questions for the first time. His manner was as direct and forceful as ever, but his matter, unhappily, consisted chiefly in the admission of unpleasant facts regarding recent attacks upon the police, with the invariable addition that "no arrests have been made."

The hon. baronet who sits for Nottingham is so much impressed with the necessity for economy that he ought to be known as _Rees angustæ_. But he has no luck. Mr. FISHER offered the "frozen face" to his complaints that the State is giving free education at the Ministries to ex-Service men; and Mr. SHORTT was no more sympathetic to his plea that the new policewomen should be abolished.

Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, looking delightfully cool in a new grey suit, made a welcome reappearance after some weeks' absence. He gave a version of the KRASSIN negotiations--which, according to his account, had followed exactly the course marked out by the Supreme Council in Paris and San Remo--very different from that presented in a section of the Press, and he implied that the alleged perturbation of French public opinion only existed in the imagination of "certain newspapers which are trying to foment ill-feeling between two countries whose friendliness is essential to the welfare of the world." His most satisfactory pronouncement was that British prisoners must be released before trade with Russia would be resumed.

In spite of the absence of the regular Opposition the FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY is finding the Government of Ireland Bill a rather unhandy vessel to steer. He dares not concede too many powers to the new Parliaments lest he should be putting weapons into the hands of our Sinn Fein enemies; on the other hand, he cannot reduce them overmuch lest the Bill should cease to have any chance of conciliating Irish sentiment.

The dilemma arose acutely over the clause relating to the Irish police. When, if ever, should they be handed over to the new Government? The Bill said not later than three years after the appointed day. An amendment suggested "not earlier." Sir EDWARD CARSON thought the only fair thing would be to allow the police to retire on full pay directly the Bill came into force, instead of leaving them with a divided allegiance and control. Eventually, on the Government undertaking to modify their proposals, the clause was passed; but with so many matters to be adjusted on Report it looks as if it will be a LONG, LONG way to Tipperary.

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PERCE MURGATROYD, MASTER BRICKLAYER.

BY ONE WHO KNEW HIM.

By the untimely death of the late Mr. Percival Murgatroyd we suffer the irreplaceable loss of our youngest and perhaps most talented master bricklayer. The story of his life is yet another example of genius triumphing over adversity. Perce Murgatroyd was born in a mean street. His father was a poor hardworking physician. Lacking the influence necessary for the introduction of his boy to some lucrative commercial calling he contrived at great self-sacrifice to educate him for the Civil Service.

The long hours of grinding toil and the complete lack of sympathy at home could not extinguish the divine fire of genius in the youthful Murgatroyd. Exhausted and hungry as he often was at the end of the day's work, he devoted his leisure to the study of bricks and mortar, and out of his scanty pocket-money he bought for himself first a trowel and later a plummet.

When I first made his acquaintance he was already, at the age of twenty-five, assisting a bricklayer's helper, and was fairly launched on a career of unbroken success which was to culminate in a master bricklayership at the record age of thirty-eight.