Chapter 2

One point emerges very clearly from the murky chaos of the industrial situation to-day; and that is that the brain-worker will not for ever be content to be merely a brain-worker, thinking and thinking, hour after hour, day after day. He is beginning to realise his latent capacity for manual labour; and he demands as his right a larger opportunity for self-development, so that he too may escape from the drudgery of brain-work and rise at last to the higher, freer life of muscular exertion. There must already be many brain-workers who are well-fitted to take their place in the ranks of manual labour; and the cry goes up with increasing force that, given only that _opportunity_ which is every man's due, millions of their fellows are capable of lifting themselves to the same standard.

In my house the cry goes up with peculiar force about Easter-time, when I repaint as much of the house as I am allowed and whitewash the rest, and can appreciate what I am missing in my everyday calling. It is astonishing to think that one used actually to pay people money to paint and whitewash, and looked on with meek wonder, for six weeks, while they did it. Bourgeois I may be, but I have put aside that folly. The Easter holidays now are to me the best holidays of the year, because for four whole days I can do almost unlimited decorating. I begin with the conservatory; I do it a delicate pale blue, and it looks very lovely. The vine in the conservatory no longer yields her increase as she used to do, but I can't help that. After the conservatory I start on the basement, and the opportunities in the basement are endless. It is a curious thing that brain-workers who do much decorating in their spare time do most of it in the basement and not in the rooms they have to occupy themselves. The basement is fair game. Another curious thing is that the people who do have to occupy the basement never seem to appreciate what you are doing for them. They appear to think you are merely amusing yourself.

The best day for doing the basement therefore is Easter Monday, when you can legitimately send the whole staff (if any) away for a holiday, and commandeer the entire kitchen equipment. This point is more important than you may suppose; since if the staff are at home and you want to use the basement bucket or the soft broom (both of which are essential for efficient whitewashing) it is almost certain that they will at the same time want to put them to some preposterous use of their own; and this causes either delay or friction, probably both. Besides, they keep bustling about behind you and saying, "'T't, 't't," or "_Busy_ to-day!" in a surprised voice. This is most irritating, and an irritated painter always goes over the edges.

When you have got rid of the staff (if any) you can get to work on the scullery and whitewash the ceiling. Whitewashing is much superior to painting. Painting looks lovely while you are doing it, but is very horrible when it is dry, being streaky or blistery or covered with long hairs. Whitewash looks horrible while you are doing it, but marvellous when it is dry, which is much more satisfactory. In a life of average prosperity and no small public distinction, including an intimacy with a professional tenor and two or three free lunches with noblemen, I can recall few moments of such genuine rapture as the one when you creep down to the basement to find the whitewash dry at last and brilliant as the driven snow.

The other thing about whitewashing is that it is done with a broom, not with a finicking brush and a small pot, but a good fat bucket and the housemaid's soft-broom. In this way you can really get some _bravura_ into your work. And, except perhaps for watering the garden with a hose, there is no quicker way of making a really good mess. Whitewashing by this method, I find that it takes much longer to remove the whitewash from the floors and other places where it is not intended to go than it does to put the whitewash on the places where it is intended to go; but the charwoman does the removing on Easter Tuesday, and I still think that that method is the best. Especially, perhaps, for outside walls, because in one's artistic frenzy it is usual to cover most of the rose-trees with whitewash; they look then like those whitewashed orchards, and visitors think you are a scientific gardener, combating Plant Pests.

Personally I don't pay too much attention to the rather arbitrary rules on painting laid down by the Painters' Union. Life is too short. For instance, I don't put my brushes in turpentine when I have finished for the day; and if I do I put the green brush and the light-blue brush and the black brush and the white brush in the same pot, and terrible things happen. I don't like my art to be hampered by petty notions of economy, and if brushes persist in crystallising into tooth-brushes when left to themselves for an hour or two I simply use a new brush.

Nor do I insist on "cleaning thoroughly the surface before the paint is applied." Anyone who sets out in practice to clean thoroughly the surface of the basement before applying the paint will find that the Easter holidays have slipped away long before any paint is applied at all. Besides, one of the main objects of paint is to hide the dirt, so why waste time in removing it?

On the other hand, I am not content with mere painting; I go in thoroughly for all the refinements like driers and varnishes and gold-size. Driers and gold-size are extremely necessary when painting the basement, because if there is one thing the staff enjoy more than tea-cups coming away in the 'and, it is really rubbing themselves against wet paint and wandering round muttering complaints about it. Without a driers or some drier or whatever it is, the basement remains wet for ever, and all work ceases while the staff amble about, ecstatically rubbing themselves against the doorposts and saying "T'tt, t'tt," in a meaning way.

It is a sad quality of oil-paint that when it is dry it no longer looks so lovely and shiny as it looks when it is wet. It was found that the sense of disappointment which this produced was greater than the Painters' Union could bear; so someone, in order to prevent industrial strife, invented some stuff called varnish, by which, at the very moment of disillusion, the maximum of shininess can be again produced with the minimum of effort. It is one of the few inventions which make a man grateful for the advance of science.

Well, that is all there is about painting. The only difficulty, once you have begun, is to know when to stop. Painting is a kind of fever. The painting of a single chair makes the whole room look dirty; so the whole room has to be painted. Then, of course, the outside of the windows has to be brought up to the same standard; and if once you have painted the outside of a window you are practically committed to painting the whole house.

The only thing that stops me painting is a turpentine crisis, which usually occurs just before church on Sunday morning, when one has three workmanlike coats of glossy enamel or pale-green on one's hands. Week-end painters should keep a close eye on the situation, and cease work while there is yet sufficient turpentine to cope with the workmanlike coats; for I find that in these days the churchwardens look askance at you if you put in a penny with a pale-green hand.

The extraordinary thing is that this painting fever doesn't seem to afflict professional painters; they know exactly when to stop. But then they don't appreciate the luxury of their lot. They don't realise that theirs is one of the few forms of labour in which a man has some tangible result (well, not tangible, perhaps) to show for his work at the end of the day. There is nothing more satisfactory than that. It is true, no doubt, that the professional painter would rather have a windy article like this to show; all I can say is I would rather have a bright-blue basement or a middle-green conservatory.

A.P.H.

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THE EVE OF GREAT POSSIBILITIES.

In a Press sighing deeply over the various Labour crises there is the glad news that Mr. CLEM EDWARDS, M.P. (barrister), of the National Democratic Party, has made a match with Mr. JAMES WALTON, M.P. (miner), of the Labour Party, to "hew, fill and train two tons of coal in the shortest time for fifty pounds a side." The contest is to take place at Whitsuntide.

We hope that more Members of Parliament will follow suit, and challenge each other to feats of wholesome toil, to the great benefit of the nation.

In time no doubt the idea would take on with the masses and an immense amount of useful work would be performed disguised as sport. August Bank Holiday might become the great yearly fixture for a sort of Gentlemen _v._ Players bricklaying competition, and we may one day read of huge crowds being attracted to the East India Docks on Easter Monday to watch stockbrokers, flushed with their victory of Boxing Day, playing a return match with the dockers at unloading margarine. The movement might expand until even on Labour Day work would be in progress.

All this is, however, remote, but the solid fact remains that during Whitsuntide of this very year work will actually be done in a coal-mine. So far the miners themselves have expressed no official views on the contest, but there is a general feeling of amazement among them that anyone should work so hard on the chance of winning a mere fifty pounds. For the public at large there is the gratifying thought that Messrs. EDWARDS and WALTON are very nearly matched, and they should therefore produce between them in their friendly struggle the best part of four tons of coal, an unexpected windfall for the nation.

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"POST OFFICE TREASURY BONDS.

It should be noted that, as regards the Post Office issue, dividends on registered bonds will not be deducted at the source."--_Daily Paper._

Nor, we understand, has the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER any present intention of confiscating the capital.

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"AMERICA'S FIRST FLOATING BAR-ROOM. _THE CITY OF MIAMI._--300,000 dols. has been spent in fitting up this vessel for thirsty American citizens. She will ply between Miami, Fla. and Havana, Cuba. A special bilge keel is being fitted to steady ship and passengers."--_Shipping Journal._

A very necessary precaution.

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TO A COMING CHAMPION.

The exodus was ended; stilled the urging To "wait and let the passengers off first;" I and my fellow-sufferers were surging Along the gangway in one short sharp burst, Clutching the straps so thoughtfully provided Stamping on any feet that lay about, And, Lady, it was then that you decided This was where you got out.

I noted with an awestruck admiration The gallant way in which you faced the press, What force, what vigour, what determination, What almost everything but politesse; And then I gave back several hasty inches Before your mænad rush; I felt alarmed Lest you should use a hatpin in the clinches While I was all unarmed.

So in a more or less intact condition You made your exit through the trellised gate, And (this, I must admit, is mere suspicion) Asked of a porter was your hat on straight; And lo! the bard, left dreaming _suo more_, Mused upon things the future hid from view; He looked adown the years and saw the glory England would win through you.

For in my morning sheet I'd seen it bruited, Mid talk of Jazz and Fox Trot, plaids and checks, That boxing was a sport precisely suited To what it quaintly called the gentler sex; I thought about the coming day when bevies Of beauty would be found inside the ropes, And saw you, eminent among the "heavies," The whitest of white hopes.

I saw--and at the vision England's stock ran High above par--how in the padded strife, Beneath the auspices of Mr. COCHRAN, You'd whip the world, or should I say his wife? Our land once more would boast the champion thumper, The doughtiest dealer of the hefty welt, The holder of--but no, by then a jumper Will have replaced the belt.

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"OFFICERS' HEAVY-WEIGHTS.

Final: Lt. W. R. Nicol (R.F.A.) knocked out Lt.-General Lord Rawlinson, Commanding at Aldershot."--_Sportsman._

That's more than LUDENDORFF could do.

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"Some years have passed since I last saw Mr. ----, and last evening I found him considerably aged. His one black hair is very grey."

_Provincial Paper._

Probably the result of depression caused by loneliness.

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"The Prince of ---- has returned recently from England where he was educated. He is to marry several wives, as is the custom of ----. His education is to continue."--_North China Daily News._

We can well believe it.

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"The Chester Vase resolved itself into a contest between a four-year-old and some three-year-olds, but in this case the four-year-old was Buchan, a Trojan among minnows."--_Provincial Paper._

The writer seems to be a student of "classic" form.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Monday, May 3rd._--The PRIME MINISTER being confined to his bed and Mr. BONAR LAW being engaged elsewhere in inaugurating the Housing campaign the House of Commons was in charge of the HOME SECRETARY. Consequently Questions went through with unusual speed, for Mr. SHORTT has a discouraging way with him. The most searching "Supplementary" rarely receives any recognition save a stony glare through his inseparable eye-glass, as who should say, "How can So-and-so be such an ass as to expect an answer to his silly question?"

People who consider that the MINISTER OF TRANSPORT is too much of "a railway man" will, I fear, be confirmed in their belief. In his opinion the practice of the Companies in refusing a refund to the season ticket-holder who has left his ticket behind and has been compelled to pay his fare is "entirely justifiable." He objected, however, to Sir C. KINLOCH-COOKE'S interpretation of this answer as meaning that it was the policy of H.M. Government "to rob honest people," so there may be hope for him yet.

It is wrong to suppose that the class generally known as "Young Egypt" is solely responsible for the anti-British agitation in the Protectorate. Among a long list of deportees mentioned by Lieut.-Colonel MALONE, and subsequently referred to by Mr. HARMSWORTH as "the principal organisers and leaders of the disturbances" in that country, appeared the name of "MAHMOUD PASHA SULIMAN, aged ninety-eight years."

The process of cleaning-up after the War involves an Indemnity Bill. Sir ERNEST POLLOCK admitted that there was "some complexity" in the measure, and did not entirely succeed in unravelling it in the course of a speech lasting an hour and a half. His chief argument was that, unless it passed, the country might be let in for an additional expenditure of seven or eight hundred millions in settling the claims of persons whose goods had been commandeered. An item of two million pounds for tinned salmon will give some notion of the interests involved and incidentally of the taste of the British Army.

Lawyers and laymen vied with one another in condemning the Bill. Mr. RAE, as one who had suffered much from requisitioners, complained that their motto appeared to be _L'état c'est moi_. Sir GORDON HEWART, in mitigation of the charge that there never had been such an Indemnity Bill, pointed out that there never had been such a War. The Second Reading was ultimately carried upon the Government's undertaking to refer the Bill to a Select Committee, from which, if faithfully reflecting the opinion of the House, it is conjectured that the measure will return in such a shape that its own draftsman won't know it.

_Tuesday, May 4th._--The Matrimonial Causes Bill continues to drag its slow length along in the House of Lords. Its ecclesiastical opponents are gradually being driven from trench to trench, but are still full of fight. The Archbishop of CANTERBURY very nearly carried a new clause providing that it should not be lawful to celebrate in any church or chapel of the Church of England the marriage of a person, whether innocent or guilty, whose previous union had been dissolved under the provisions of the Bill. His most reverend brother of York spoke darkly of Disestablishment if the clause were lost, and eleven Bishops voted in its favour, but the Non-Contents defeated it by 51 to 50.

Captain WEDGWOOD BENN wanted to know whether swords still formed part of the uniform of Royal Air Force officers, and, if so, why. He himself, I gather, never found any use for one in the "Side Shows" which he has described so picturesquely. Mr. CHURCHILL'S defence of its retention was more ingenious than convincing. Swords, he said, had always been regarded as the insignia of rank, and even Ministers wore them on occasions. But the fact that elderly statesmen occasionally add to the gaiety of the populace at public celebrations by tripping over their "toasting-forks" hardly seems a sufficient reason for burdening young officers with a totally needless expense.

The POSTMASTER-GENERAL is all for a quiet life. When the Dublin postal workers announced their intention of stopping work for two days in sympathy with a Sinn Fein strike, did he dismiss them? Not he. You can't, as he said, dismiss a whole service. No, he simply gave them two days' leave on full pay, a much simpler plan.

Thanks to the Irish Nationalists, who have announced their intention of taking no part in the discussion of the Government of Ireland Bill, Mr. BONAR LAW was able to drop the scheme for closuring it by compartments. The new Irish doctrine of self-extermination has given much satisfaction in Ministerial circles. Mr. CHURCHILL'S gratitude, I understand, will take the form of a portrait of Mr. DEVLIN as _Sydney Carton_ under the shadow of the guillotine.

On the Vote for the Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries Colonel BURN suggested that a new Department should be set up to deal with the harvest of the sea. Dr. MURRAY approved the idea, and thought that the Minister without Portfolio might give up loafing and take to fishing.

_Wednesday, May 5th._--Apparently it is not always selfishness that makes Trade Unionists unwilling to admit ex-service men to their ranks, but sometimes solicitude for the welfare of these brave fellows. Take the manufacture of cricket-balls, for example. You might not think it a very arduous occupation, but Dr. MACNAMARA assured the House that it required "a high standard of physical fitness," and that leather-stitching was as laborious as leather-hunting. It is true that some of the disabled men with characteristic intrepidity are willing to face the risk, but the Union concerned will not hear of it, and the MINISTER OF LABOUR appears to agree with them.

Even on the Treasury Bench, however, doctors disagree. Dr. ADDISON seems distinctly less inclined than Dr. MACNAMARA to accept the claims of the Trade Unionists at their own valuation. The bricklayers have agreed to admit a few disabled men to their union--bricklaying apparently being a less strenuous occupation than leather-stitching--but exclude other ex-service men unless they have served their apprenticeship as well as their country. Upon this the MINISTER OF HEALTH bluntly observed that the idea that it takes years to train a man to lay a few bricks was in his opinion all nonsense.

_Thursday, May 6th._--Possibly it was because to-day was originally assigned for the opening of the Committee stage of the Home Rule Bill that Members in both Houses drew special attention to the present state of lawlessness in Ireland. If their idea was to create a hostile "atmosphere" it did not succeed, for, owing to Mr. LONG'S indisposition, the Bill was postponed. Besides, the fact that every day brings news of policemen murdered, barracks burned, tax-collectors assaulted and mail-bags stolen, while to one class of mind it may argue that the present is a most inopportune moment for a great constitutional change, may to another suggest that only such a change will give any hope of improvement.

It is, at any rate, something to know that Irishmen have not in trying circumstances entirely lost their saving grace of humour. Thus the writer of a letter to Lord ASKWITH, describing with much detail a raid for arms, in the course of which his house had been smashed up and he himself threatened with instant death, wound up by saying, "I thought I would jot down these particulars to amuse you."

The Commons had a rather depressing speech from Mr. MCCURDY. His policy had been gradually to remove all food-controls and leave prices to find their own proper (and, it was hoped, lower) level. But in most cases the result had been disastrous, and the Government had decided that control must continue. Sir F. BANBURY complained of the conflict of jurisdiction between the Departments. It certainly does seem unfair that the FOOD-CONTROLLER should be blamed because the Board of Trade is "making mutton high."

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WANTED--A BOOK SUBSIDY.

Mr. JOHN MURRAY, the famous publisher, has recently given a representative of _The Pall Mall Gazette_ some interesting facts and figures bearing on the impending crisis in the publishing trade. It is a gloomy recital. Men doing less work per hour with the present forty-eight hour week than with the old fifty-one hour week, and agitating for a further reduction of hours; paper rising in price by leaps and bounds. "Between the two they are forcing up the price of books to a point when we can only produce at a loss." In other words, we are threatened with not merely a shortage but an absolute deprivation of all new books. The horror of the situation is almost unthinkable, but it must be faced. We can dispense with many luxuries--encyclopædias and histories and scientific treatises and so forth--but among the necessities of modern life the novel stands only third to the cinema and the jazz. It is possible that in time the first-named may reconcile us to booklessness, but that time is not yet.