Chapter 2

And then there is the question of the miscellaneous material which is now being supplied in the name of coal, especially those large flat pieces of excellent slate. As things are now I often wonder that the miners don't make use of them for propaganda purposes. Chalked manifestoes such as--

We demand forty-four shillings more a ton, a five-hour week and control of the mines

would do much to convert the armchair critic as he digs about in the scuttle. When we get our coal from the State, however, we shall, of course, carefully set apart these sections of slate, wrap them in brown-paper and send them by parcel post to the nearest elementary school, with a note to say there must have been an inter-departmental error.

From State coal too it will only be a step to State firewood, and we know from the papers what lots the Government has of that. Army huts, tables, bed-boards, trestles, aeroplanes, railway trucks--there is no end to it all. And underneath the firewood, of course, carefully packed, comes the daily newspaper itself. There can be little doubt that, once they have obtained a grip of coal and kindling-wood, the Government will proceed to nationalise the Press.

EVOE.

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REDS AND DARK BLUES.

[Mr. R. H. TAWNEY and Mr. G. D. H. COLE, both Oxford Fellows, represent academic intellectualism _in excelsis_ at the G.H.Q. of Labour.]

Only a simpleton or sawney Falls short in reverence for TAWNEY; Only the man without a soul Disputes the kingliness of COLE.

Labour, no longer gross and brawny, Finds its true hierophant in TAWNEY; And, freed from all save Guild Control, Attains its apogee in COLE.

Proud Prelates in their vestments lawny Quail at the heresies of TAWNEY; And prostrate Dukes in anguish roll, Scared by the scrutiny of COLE.

The Nabob quits his brandy-pawnee To listen to the lore of TAWNEY; The plain beer-drinker bans the bowl, Weaned by the witchery of COLE.

Students however slack or yawny Grow tense beneath the spell of TAWNEY; Footballers score goal after goal, Trained in the principles of COLE.

The shrimp grows positively prawny On list'ning to the voice of TAWNEY; While upward shoots the blindest mole Beneath the airy tread of COLE.

There's something thrilling--Colleen-Bawny-- About the articles of TAWNEY; And no one can so grandly toll The knell of Capital as COLE.

As Cornwall rallied to TRELAWNY So Labour rallies to its TAWNEY; And miners find a "better 'ole" Provided by the creed of COLE.

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"Our evening congregations have more than doubled in two months. _Sans Deo!_"

_Parish Magazine._

We don't wonder that two foreign languages were required to veil this shocking observation.

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From a feuilleton ("dramatic, kinema and all other rights secured"):--

"So he just shook hands all round, and took off his coat, and lit a cigar, and laughed when Betty Cardon pointed out that he had put the wrong end of it in his mouth."--_Daily Paper._

This incident should "film" well.

* * * * *

SHOULD AUTHORS PUBLISH THEIR OWN PORTRAITS?

[Mr. Punch herewith disclaims all intention of quoting the title of any actual book.]

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* * * * *

SEASIDE ISSUES.

"This summer," said Suzanne, "we must take the bull by the forelock."

"Dearest wife," I cried, "at your age you must not dream of joining in such dangerous sports. Besides I don't think the summer is quite the season for Spain."

"Who's talking about Spain? And what is this insinuation about my age? But a few short years have sped since you took me from the schoolroom----"

"Where you _would_ mix up the proverbs in your copy-book. But let us get back to our starting-point; what exactly is it you meditate doing this summer--if any?"

"Taking the children to the seaside, of course; and, as I said, we must make our arrangements well in advance, otherwise we shall get left, as we did last year, and have to put up with lodgings in Margate."

"Have you any particular place in view?" I asked.

"No. But it must have a nice sandy beach for Barbara, and must not be too bracing for Baby, and there must be one or two caves dotted about, and a snug little harbour with a dear old fisherman who can take you sailing, and--oh, and we'll bask on the shore all day and watch the ripples dancing in the sun----"

"And hear the starfish calling to his mate," I extemporised.

"And we'll live a life of freedom in a corner by ourselves," she continued with a disconcerting change of metre into which I could not hope to follow her. But her words gave me an idea.

"I do believe," I said, "I know the exact spot you're pining for. To-morrow, something tells me, is Saturday. On Saturday I down tools at twelve. Meet me on the weighing-machine at Victoria Cross a quarter after noon and I will show you the place you seek."

"The man's a marvel," said Suzanne. "What frocks shall I pack for the week-end?"

"We return before nightfall," I replied.

Next day I sought Suzanne at the appointed hour and station. She had taken my words literally and was steadfastly occupying the automatic weighing machine, with her back impassively turned upon an indignant youth who was itching to gamble a penny on the chance of guessing his avoirdupois. Quietly I crept behind her and placed a coin in the slot, simultaneously pressing my foot upon the platform. Suzanne gazed with mingled horror and fascination at the mounting indicator, and at sixteen stone jumped off with a gasp on to my disengaged foot. For a few moments I could have believed that the machine had recorded the truth.

When we had both regained our composure Suzanne inquired if I had got the tickets. The moment for enlightenment had arrived.

I led her to a hoarding and placed her in front of a poster which depicted a most alluring seaside resort. The sea was of the royalest blue, the sands were a rich 22-carat; there was a cave in the left foreground, a gaily-striped tent on the right, and a tiny harbour with yacht attached in the middle distance; and, with the exception of a lady escaped from a lingerie advertisement whom vandal hands had pasted on the scene, the sole occupants of this coastal Paradise were a gentleman in over-tailored flannels, red blazer and Guards' tie who was dancing a Bacchanale with a bath-towel, a small boy who was apparently fleeing from his parent's frenzy, and a smaller girl, mostly sun-bonnet, who was nursing a jelly-fish. Beneath the picture was the legend, "You Can Let Yourself Go at Giddyville."

I looked anxiously at Suzanne as she surveyed this masterpiece.

"Well," I said at last, "isn't that the place of your dreams? It's all practically as you described it last night, and you will observe that it's by no means overcrowded."

"But what objectionable children!" said Suzanne. "I shouldn't at all care for Barbara to mix with them; and jelly-fish sting. Besides, that boat doesn't look at all safe, and the man's a bounder in every sense of the word. What's this other place?"

I was disappointed, and considered Suzanne's criticism superficial in the extreme. The next pictures showed an emerald sea and pink shore, two piers, a flock of aeroplanes, and a structure that combined the characteristic features of the Eiffel Tower and the Albert Memorial. One suspected a herd of minstrels in the distance, but here again the beach was remarkably and invitingly uncongested. A solitary barefooted maiden communing with a crustacean rather caught my fancy, but it didn't need the angle of Suzanne's nose to tell me that "Puddlesey for Pleasure" was a wash-out; frankly, it was too good to believe that all the holiday-makers but one were content to patronise either the piers or the aeroplanes or the hidden attractions of the architectural outrage, and to leave the beach so desirably vacant.

We passed over in eloquent silence a couple of lurid _affiches_ which declared that "Exhampton Is So Exhilarating" (a middle-aged person in side-whiskers and a purple bathing-suit attempting to drown his unfortunate wife), and that "Rooksea Will Restore the Roses" (a fragile young woman in a deck-chair being nourished out of a box of chocolates by a sentimental ass whose attire proclaimed him a member of the local concert party). The next scene to engage our attention was much more simple in its appeal and striking in its effect. The sea was neither so blatantly blue nor so vividly green as the other seas had been; the beach was but normally sandy-hued, and there was a delicious little fellow, clad in nothing much except seaweed, who was splashing himself with great seriousness in the middle of a shining pool. Again that amazing absence of the seaside crowd; but somehow or other this picture seemed to ring true. There were no piers or other "attractions," and to souls that shunned such delights the _aura_ of the place was extremely sympathetic, A single glance sufficed to determine us both.

"Quick!" said Suzanne with a catch in her breath. "What's the place called?"

Alas! where the legend should have appeared was an ugly gap. The picture had been badly torn in its most vital part, and nothing was there to reveal the identity of that magic spot where that delightfully real and really delightful baby boy had been caught by the camera of the publicity agent. Hurriedly we sought the Inquiry Bureau, but no answer could be obtained to Suzanne's incoherent questionings. We have since written to various agencies, but in vain; nor, strangely enough, in spite of much searching, have we ever seen the poster exhibited anywhere else.

Suzanne, however, who has not given up her sanguine interest in the sport of bull-baiting, is still intent on taking time by the horns and getting in before the rush. She has just compiled a list of "likely" places (selected for the most part because she likes the sound of their names), to which we are apparently to pay week-end visits of exploration. I have calculated that long before we come to the end of these expeditions the summer--if any--will be over. Whether we shall ever find the land of our hearts' desire is, as the bull himself said, a toss-up.

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No More "Feed the Brute."

"The speaker advised the women not to go in for pastry politics, but to be good suffragettes, working only for the benefit of their sex."--_South African Paper._

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"It is now announced that the America Cup defender, as well as the challenger, will be steered by an amateur helmsman, Mr. Charles Adams, of Boston, having undertaken the duty."--_Provincial Paper._

We congratulate Mr. ADAMS on his impartiality.

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* * * * *

A SPRING SONG.

[A daily paper states that very few housewives will be able to indulge in the luxury of Spring cleaning this year owing to the enormous increase in the cost of materials and labour.]

Sing! I will make me a song about Spring; I will write with delight of the brightness in store; I will sing of a Spring never dreamed of before, A Spring with a new and more beautiful meaning, A season of reason, a Spring without cleaning, A Spring without painters, a Spring without pain, A Spring that for once will not drive me insane. I lift up my voice and rejoice at this thing, This excellent Spring.

Di Will in all probability cry; She will rave at the news and refuse with disgust; She will say that she _must_ have a thrust at the dust; But I know what I'm saying, We've got to go slow; We _can't_ go on paying-- Spring-cleaning must go. It's the knell of the mop and the doom of the broom; We cannot afford to do even one room; If she wants her own way I shall say with a frown, "It's too dear, and I fear, until prices come down, We must try and deny ourselves this little thing." Magnificent Spring!

I'm Going to have a delectable time; Though in previous years I've been hustled about, And they've driven me mad till I had to go out, Without flurry or worry this year I shall stay And know just where to look for my book ev'ry day; It's the finest of schemes; It's a blessing, a miracle; Spring of my dreams, I can't _help_ growing lyrical Over this quite unbelievable thing-- Glorious Spring!

This Is a song of unqualified bliss; I have never sung quite such a song in my life; I have nothing but jeers for the tears of my wife; She may moan, she may groan, she may weep and grow wild, But the Spring shall remain undisturbed, undefiled, Spring with a new and more beautiful meaning, Spring as it ought to be, Spring without cleaning; Halcyon days! Oh, let us raise Shouts of thanksgiving and pæans of praise. Join me, O men. Bound the world let it ring-- _Exquisite_ Spring!

* * * * *

"The Town Clerk said that Kilkenny coal, or coal raised elsewhere in Ireland, was uncontrollable."--_Irish Paper._

Like most other things in that country.

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"CUSTOMERS IN LONDON.--Hardly creditable, yet true; we satisfy them; let us satisfy you. ---- Laundry."--_Scotch Paper._

On the contrary, we think it most creditable.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Monday, March 22nd._--As if the condition of Ireland were not bad enough, Mr. CLEM EDWARDS sought to make our flesh creep by asking whether the Government had information that risings had been planned for Easter Monday, not only in that country but in Liverpool, Manchester and Glasgow as well. The PRIME MINISTER declined to answer the question, and was manifestly relieved when Mr. JACK JONES, with great tact, changed the subject by asking if a white blackbird had been caught that morning on Hackney Marshes.

Lord WINTERTON and the other "Young Turks" were again inquisitive about the suppressed report of the alleged Greek outrages at Smyrna, until Mr. LLOYD GEORGE put an end to the catechism with the remark that "Even Christians are entitled to a fair trial."

Chafing under the accusation that the trade unions are largely responsible for preventing ex-Service men from obtaining employment the Labour Party pressed the PRIME MINISTER to produce his evidence. To-day they got it, in stacks. All the unions, in principle, are in favour of training disabled men, but in practice most of them require that a workman shall have worked at his craft for from three to six years before being admitted to their ranks. "You have fought for us, but you shall not work for us" is their attitude.

On the Army Estimates Sir SAMUEL SCOTT pleaded for the formation of an Imperial General Staff. Even in peace-time there were plenty of problems to be solved. We should never be really at peace, moreover, so long as there were tribes on our frontiers who looked upon war as an amusement and a pastime, "as hon. Members look upon golf." Surely this is to underestimate the devotion of our earnest golfers. Judging by the condition of the links on Sunday I should say some of them look upon it as a religion.

Mr. NEIL MACLEAN pretended not to understand why we wanted an army at all. Was not the last war "a war to end war"? But his main point--in which he will be surprised to find many quite respectable people agreeing with him--is that it should not be officered from one class. Mr. MACLEAN is not so revolutionary as he thinks himself. The most insurgent thing about him is his hair, and even that is not more rebellious than Mr. DAN IRVING'S.

_Tuesday, March 23rd._--Lord PEEL was evidently surprised at the amount of opposition encountered by the Silver Coinage Bill. Having a specimen of the new shilling in his pocket he himself was feeling particularly bobbish, and could not understand the gloomy vaticinations of Lord BUCKMASTER and Lord SALISBURY as to what might happen in West Africa and elsewhere if we depreciated our currency. But his usual self-confidence so far deserted him that he confessed that he could not "answer for the whole of the British Empire at a moment's notice."

The LORD CHANCELLOR refused to accept Lord BALFOUR OF BURLEIGH'S proposal to abolish the D.O.R.A. regulation forbidding the sale of confectionery in theatres, on the ground that it would be unfair to the ordinary shops to allow this competition, and that the business of the theatre was to supply drama not chocolate. Lord BALFOUR was unconvinced. His imagination boggled at the thought of a Scotsman, at any rate, paying for a seat in a theatre in order to purchase a shilling's worth of "sweeties."

The House of Commons has a childlike sense of humour. There is nothing that it enjoys more than to have a Minister struggling with the pronunciation of some outlandish place-name. When, therefore, Mr. ILLINGWORTH, posed with the deficiencies of the mail service to Bryngwran and Gwalchmai, made a gallant but ineffectual effort to get over the first obstacle and evaded the second by calling it "the other place," Members roared with delighted laughter.

In the further debate on the Army Estimates a good deal was said about the unfortunate events in Ireland. Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR had the grace to withdraw some of the unfortunate insinuations against the conduct of the British soldiers into which he had been betrayed the day before, but Messrs. KENWORTHY and MALONE repeated them with additions of their own, and incurred thereby a castigation from Mr. CHURCHILL which the House cordially approved.

The Coal Mines (Emergency) Bill was read a third time. On behalf of the Labour Party, Mr. ADAMSON declared that the profits of the coal industry must be "pooled"--a proposition which would command general approval if there seemed any likelihood that consumers would receive a share of the pool.

_Wednesday, March 24th._--Since DISRAELI startled a scientific meeting by declaring himself to be "on the side of the angels" there has been no more remarkable piece of self-revelation than Lord BIRKENHEAD'S defence of the Matrimonial Causes Bill. It was not so much his wealth of ecclesiastical lore or the impassioned appeal that he made for the victims of the present divorce law that impressed the Peers as the high line that he took in condemning the opponents of the measure. He as good as told the occupants of the Episcopal Bench that their view of marriage was lacking in spirituality. The Archbishop of CANTERBURY was so dumbfounded by the accusation that he meekly confessed himself unable to follow the LORD CHANCELLOR'S religious arguments. Lord SALISBURY displayed more pugnacity in a reassertion of views that had been described as "mediæval superstition." But the Peers preferred the Use of Birkenhead to the Use of Sarum, and gave the Bill a Second Reading by a two-to-one majority.

In the course of the debate Lord BUCKMASTER expressed his regret that so effective an orator as the Archbishop of YORK should have deserted the Law for the Church. After this afternoon's display I could not help wondering what would have happened if "F. E.'s" call had been to the Church instead of the Bar, and whether a shovel-hat would not have suited him even better than a wig.

Members who display a friendly interest in the revival of German trade were gratified to learn that the clock-manufacturers, at any rate, are taking time by the forelock and are already sending their goods to this country. So far are they, moreover, from cherishing animosity or desiring to magnify the Fatherland that they modestly label them "Westminster Chimes." It is pleasant to record that the Board of Trade, exhibiting the same spirit of self-abnegation, has insisted on substituting the time-honoured inscription, "Made in Germany."

It is a mistake to suppose that there are no limits to the ambition of the GEDDES family. "I never wanted air-transport," said Sir ERIC this afternoon, and later on he expressly disclaimed the megalomania which had been attributed to him "by those best able to diagnose the disease." He is certainly coming on as a Parliamentary speaker, and gave an informing and, on the whole, hopeful account of the work of the railways in promoting reconstruction.

_Thursday, March 25th._--The PRIME MINISTER was rather husky this afternoon. He had been having a strenuous time with the miners and possibly some of the coal-dust had got into his throat. But his spirit is unabated, and he flatly refused to withdraw his charge that the trade unions, by refusing to modify their regulations, are holding up the building industry.

In connection with the proposal to raise the Tube fares, Mr. WILL THORNE inquired whether this would not mean an increase of two pounds a week in the expenditure of some families, and, on the figure being challenged, said that it was quite correct, for one of the families was his own. Members entered into rapid calculations on their Order Papers with the view of discovering how many olive-branches had sprung from this THORNE.

After Mr. ASQUITH'S "prave 'orts" at the National Liberal Club the mildness of his criticism upon the Government's foreign policy sadly disappointed his more ardent supporters. His only concrete suggestion was that we should surrender our mandate for Mesopotamia and retire to the coast, and this did not meet with much approval.

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THE INDIARUBBER BLOKE.

The train ran into Victoria Station and pandemonium.