Part 2

I had been smoking cigarettes, but found the habit extravagant, as Abdul appreciated them even more than I did. One morning I woke up to see him making a cache in his round cotton cap. I kept quiet until he came nearer, and then I grabbed his hat. It was as I thought, and about ten cigarettes rolled on the floor. I looked sternly at Abdul. He was due to wither up and confess. Instead he broke first into a seraphic grin and then roared with laughter. "Oh, very funny, very, very funny," he said between his paroxysms. Now what could I say after that? I was beaten and I had to admit it, but I decided that I would smoke a pipe. To this end I gave Abdul ten piastres and sent him out to buy me some tobacco. He arrived back in about an hour with two tins worth each eight piastres. "Me quais?" he asked expectantly. "Well, you are pretty hot stuff," I admitted, "but how did you do it?"

Abdul held up one tin.

"Me buy this one," he said solemnly; "this one" (holding up the other one) "got it!"

"What do you mean, 'got it'?"

"Jus' got it," was all the answer I could get. Then to crown the performance he produced two piastres change. Could the genii of the _Arabian Nights_ have done better?

I was in that hospital for three months, and I verily believe that if it had not been for Abdul I should have been in three months more. He had his own way of doing things and people, but he modelled himself unconsciously on some personality half-way between FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE and _Fagin's_ most promising pupil. The day I was to go he cleaned my tunic buttons and helmet badge with my tooth-brush and paste and brought them proudly to me for thanks. And I thanked him.

The last I saw of Abdul was as I drove away in the ambulance. A pathetic figure in a white robe stood out on the balcony and mopped his eyes with his cotton cap, and as he took it off his head there fell to the ground half-a-dozen crushed cigarettes. It was a typical finale.

* * * * *

THE DYSPEPTIC'S DILEMMA.

[_Mate_, an infusion of the prepared leaves of the _Ilex paraguayensis_, or Brazilian holly, long familiar in South America, is coming into fashion in London.]

In happy ante-bellum days, To quote a memorable phrase, "Whisky and beer, or even wine, Were good enough for me"--and mine.

But now, in view of heightened taxes And all that grim MCKENNA axes, I have religiously tabooed All alcohol--distilled or brewed.

But "minerals" are now expensive, And, though the choice may be extensive, I find them, as my strength is waning, More effervescent than sustaining.

At cocoa's bland nutritious nibs My palate obstinately jibs; And coffee, when I like it best, Plays utter havoc with my rest.

Tea is a tipple that I love All non-intoxicants above; But on its road to lip from cup All sorts of obstacles crop up.

On patriotic grounds I curb My preference for the Chinese herb, But for eupeptic reasons think The Indian leaf unsafe to drink.

Hence am I driven to essay _Mate_, the "tea of Paraguay," As quaffed by the remote Brazilians, Peruvians, Argentinians, Chilians.

My doctor, Parry Gorwick, who Believes in this salubrious brew, Has promised from its use renewal Of my depleted vital fuel.

And so I'm bound to try it--still I wasn't born in far Brazil, And find it hard on leaves of holly To grow exuberantly jolly.

* * * * *

A New Reading.

"Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree, after first posing for screen purposes in California, promises to produce his _Henry VIII._ in New York, with himself as _Cardinal Richelieu_."

_Munsey's Magazine._ * * * * *

"MR. BIRRELL IN THE DOCK."

_Dublin Evening Mail._

This is quite a mistake. He has only been in the nettles.

* * * * *

"The excitement in the Lobby yesterday was reminiscent of the Irish crisis, Members remaining to discuss numberless humours long after they had risen."

_Civil and Military Gazette._

The correspondent who sends us the above extract suggests that the Members in question must have been Scotsmen.

* * * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

BALLADE OF BOOKS FOR THE WOUNDED.

'Midst of the world and the world's despair, A fair land lieth in all men's sight; Ye that have breathed its witching air, Remember the men who went to fight, That have much need in their piteous plight Its gates to gain and its ease to win. The need is bitter, the gift is light; Give them the key to enter in.

If ever ye crept bowed down with care Thither, and lo! your fears took flight, And the burden of life grew little to bear, And hurts were healed and the way lay bright; If ever ye watched through a wakeful night Till the dawn should break and the dusk grow thin, And a tale brought solace in pain's despite, Give them the key to enter in.

Once they were stalwart, swift to dare; Little could baulk them, naught affright; Still are they staunch as then they were, Strong to endure as once to smite. Yet for awhile if so they might They would forget the strife and din; Shall they wait at a door shut tight? Give them the key to enter in.

ENVOI.

Friends, this haven is theirs by right; They held it safe for you and your kin: Hereby a little may ye requite-- Give them the key to enter in!

* * * * *

A Test of Valour.

"Mr. Mellish, a regular reader of the _Daily Mail_ for years, was awarded the V.C. last month for conspicuous bravery."--_Daily Mail._

* * * * *

"The lack of food is especially irritating to the people, because Bulgaria is a great fool producing country."--_Daily Dispatch._

Yet their irritation seems quite intelligent and sane.

* * * * *

How History is Written.

"The Prime Minister passed through Cardiff in a special train this morning on his return from Ireland. The train stopped at the station to change engines, but the right hon. gentleman was only recognised by a few of those on the station."--_South Wales Echo._

"Mr. Asquith travelled _via_ Rosslare and Fishguard. It was eight a.m. when he left the Pembrokeshire port and 10.25 when the special train pulled up for a few moments at Cardiff. The Prime Minister was then soundly asleep in a sleeping car."

_Evening Express (Cardiff)._

* * * * *

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Monday, May 22nd._--Mr. ASQUITH returned to his place to-day, looking all the better for his trip to Ireland. No one was more pleased to see him than Mr. TENNANT, who had been subjected all last week to a galling fire from the Nationalist snipers. Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY had been especially active, employing for the purpose a weapon of unique construction. Although discharged at the Treasury Bench, its most destructive effect is often produced on the Members who sit just behind him. Mr. DILLON is particularly uneasy when Mr. HEALY gets his gun out.

When Mr. ACLAND moved the Vote for the Board of Agriculture there were barely two-score of Members present. He made a capital speech, full of attractive detail and delivered with unbucolic gusto, but did not succeed in greatly increasing the number of his audience.

There was some excuse perhaps for the non-attendance of the Irish Members. They have an Agricultural Department of their own, presided over by an eminent temperance lecturer who teaches Irish farmers how to grow barley for the national beverage. But it might have been supposed that more Englishmen and Scotsmen would have torn themselves away from their other duties in the smoking-room or elsewhere to hear what the Government had to say about the shortage of labour in the fields.

Mr. ACLAND puts his faith in women. If the farmers would only meet them half-way the situation would be saved. Mr. PROTHERO thought the farmers' wives would have something to say about that. They did not like "London minxes trapesing about our farmyard." From their point of view conscientious objectors would be a safer substitute.

_Tuesday, May 23rd._--Over ten years have passed since Sir ALFRED HARMSWORTH became Baron NORTHCLIFFE, yet never until to-day, I believe, has he directly addressed his fellow-Peers, though it is understood that through other channels he has occasionally given them the benefit of his counsel.

His speech was a sad disappointment to those trade-rivals who have not scrupled to attribute his silence to cowardice or incompetence. No justification for such insinuations was to be found in his speech to-day. He had something practical to say--on Lord MONTAGU's motion regarding the Air-Service--and said it so briefly and modestly as to throw doubt upon the theory that he personally dictates all those leaders in _The Times_ and _The Daily Mail_.

Colonel HALL-WALKER took his seat to-day after a re-election necessitated by the transfer of his racing stud to the Government. Up to the present Ministers have found it a Greek gift. To-day they had to withstand a further attack upon their horse-racing proclivities by Lord CLAUD HAMILTON, who, notwithstanding that he is chairman of the railway that serves Newmarket, denounced with great fervour the continuance during the War of this "most extravagant, alluring and expensive form of public amusement."

In introducing a Vote of Credit for 300 millions, making a total of L2,382,000,000 since August, 1914, the PRIME MINISTER said very little about the War, except that we were still confident in its triumphant issue. Any omission on his part was more than made good by Colonel CHURCHILL, who for an hour or more kept the House interested with his views on the proper employment of our Armies. Whenever he speaks at Westminster one is inclined to remark, "What a strategist!" whereas it is rumoured that his admiring comrades in the trenches used to murmur, "What a statesman!" One of his best points was that the War Office should use their men, not like a heap of shingle, but like pieces of mosaic, each in his right place. Colonel CHURCHILL's supporters are still not quite sure whether he has yet found his own exact place in the national jigsaw.

_Wednesday, May 24th._--The House of Lords was well attended this afternoon, in the expectation of hearing Lord CURZON unfold the programme of the new Air Board. But it had to exercise a noble patience. Lord GALWAY gave an account of a trip in a Zeppelin; Lord BERESFORD (who, strange to say, is much better heard in the Lords than he was in the Commons) told how the Government were still awaiting from America a large consignment of aeroplanes which as soon as they were delivered would be "obsolete six months ago"; and Lord HALDANE (less impressive in mufti than when he wore the Lord Chancellor's wig) delivered once again his celebrated discourse on the importance of "thinking clearly."

Lord CURZON at least did not seem to require the admonition, for his speech indicated that he had carefully considered the possibilities of the Air Board. He did not agree with Colonel CHURCHILL that its future would be one of harmless impotence or of first-class rows. At any rate the second alternative had been rendered less probable by the disappearance from the Government of his critic's own "vivid personality."

Mr. ARTHUR PONSONBY and Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD have inadvertently done signal service to their country's cause. By raising--on Empire Day, too!--the question of peace, and urging the Government to initiate negotiations with Germany, they furnished Sir EDWARD GREY with an opportunity of dealing faithfully with the recent insidious manoeuvres of Herr VON BETHMANN-HOLLWEG. The only terms of peace that the German Government had ever put forward were terms of victory for Germany, and we could not reason with the German people so long as they were fed with lies. The FOREIGN SECRETARY spoke without a note, and carried away the House by his spontaneous indignation. The House had previously passed the Lords' amendments, strengthening the Military Service Bill. Altogether it was a bad day for the pro-Bosches.

_Thursday, May 25th._--There was a big attendance in the House of Commons to hear Mr. ASQUITH unfold his new plan for the regeneration of Ireland. In the Peers' Gallery were Lord WIMBORNE, still in a state of suspended animation; Lord MACDONNELL, wondering whether Mr. ASQUITH would succeed where he and Mr. WYNDHAM failed; and Lord BRYCE, ex-Chief Secretary, to whom the Sinn Feiners are indebted for the repeal of the Arms Act. On the benches below were the leaders of all the Irish groups, including Mr. GINNELL. Even Mr. BIRRELL crept in unobtrusively to learn how his chief had solved in nine days the problem that had baffled him for as many years. An Irish debate on the old heroic scale was looked upon as a certainty.

In half-an-hour all was over. The PRIME MINISTER had no panacea of his own to prescribe. All he could say was that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE had been deputed by the Cabinet to confer with the various Irish leaders, and that he hoped the House would assist the negotiations by deferring debate on the Irish situation.

His selection of a peacemaker is generally approved. If anyone knows how to handle high explosives without causing a premature concussion, or to unite heterogeneous materials by electrical welding, or to utilise a high temperature in dealing with refractory ores it should be the MINISTER OF MUNITIONS. Everybody wishes him success in his new _role_ of Harmonious Blacksmith.

Nevertheless some little disappointment was felt by those who had hoped for a prompter solution. As an Irish Member expressed it, "This has been the dickens of a day. We began with 'Great Expectations' and ended with 'Our Mutual Friend.'"

* * * * *

* * * * *

The Policeman's Friend.

"Cook wanted, used to coppers."--_Daily Paper._

* * * * *

A CONVENIENT CONSCIENCE.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, Theodore," began Mrs. Plapp, opening the door of her husband's study, "but I've just been listening at the top of the kitchen stairs, and from what I overheard I'm certain that girl Louisa is having supper down there with a soldier!"

"Dear, dear!" exclaimed Mr. Plapp; "I can't possibly permit any encouragement of militarism under _my_ roof. Just when I'm appealing to be exempted from even non-combatant service, too! Go down and tell her she must get rid of him at once."

"Couldn't _you_, Theodore?"

"If I did, my love, he would probably refuse to go unless I put him out by force, which, as you are aware, is entirely contrary to my principles."

"I was forgetting for the moment, Theodore. Never mind; I'll go myself."

She had not been long gone before a burly stranger entered unceremoniously by the study window. "'Scuse me, guv'nor," he said, "but ain't you the party whose name I read in the paper--'im what swore 'e wouldn' lift 'is finger not to save 'is own mother from a 'Un?"

"I am," replied Mr. Plapp complacently. "I disbelieve in meeting violence _by_ violence."

"Ah, if there was more blokes like _you_, Guv'nor, this world 'ud be a better plice, for some on us. Blagg, _my_ name is. Us perfeshnals ain't bin very busy doorin' this War, feelin' it wasn't the square thing, like, to break into 'omes as might 'ave members away fightin' fer our rights and property. But I reckon I ain't doin' nothink unpatriotic in comin' _'ere_. So jest you show me where you keeps yer silver."

"The little we possess," said Mr. Plapp, rising, "is on the sideboard in the dining-room. If you will excuse me for a moment I'll go in and get it for you."

"And lock me in 'ere while you ring up the slops!" retorted Mr. Blagg. "You don't go in not without _me_, you don't; and, unless you want a bullet through yer 'ed, you'd better make no noise neither!"

No one could possibly have made less noise than Mr. Theodore Plapp, as, with the muzzle of his visitor's revolver pressed between his shoulder-blades, he hospitably led the way to the dining-room. There Mr. Blagg, with his back to the open door, superintended the packing of the plate in a bag he had brought for the purpose.

"And now," said Mr. Plapp, as he put in the final fork, "there is nothing to detain you here any longer, unless I may offer you a glass of barley-water and a plasmon biscuit before you go?"

Mr. Blagg consigned these refreshments to a region where the former at least might be more appreciated. "You kerry that bag inter the drorin'-room, will yer?" he said. "There may be one or two articles in there to take my fancy. 'Ere! 'Old 'ard!" he broke off suddenly, "What the blankety blank are you a-doin' of?"

This apostrophe was addressed, however, not to his host, who was doing nothing whatever, but to the unseen owner of a pair of khaki-clad arms which had just pinioned him from behind. During the rough-and-tumble conflict that followed Mr. Plapp discreetly left the room, returning after a brief absence to find the soldier kneeling on Mr. Blagg's chest.

"Good!" he said encouragingly; "you won't have to keep him down long. Help is at hand."

"Why don't you _give_ it me, then?" said the soldier, on whom the strain was evidently beginning to tell.

"Because, my friend," explained Mr. Plapp, "if I did I should be acting against my conscience."

"You _'ear_ 'im, matey?" panted Mr. Blagg. "'E's _agin_ you, 'e is. Agin all military-ism. So why the blinkin' blazes do _you_ come buttin' in to defend them as don't approve o' bein' defended?"

"Blowed if _I_ know!" was the reply. "'Abit, I expect. Lay still, will you?" But Mr. Blagg, being exceptionally muscular, struggled with such violence that the issue seemed very doubtful indeed till Louisa rushed in to the rescue and, disregarding her employer's protests, succeeded in getting hold of the revolver.

* * * * *

"It was lucky for you," remarked Mr. Plapp, after Mr. Blagg had been forcibly removed by a couple of constables, "that I had the presence of mind to telephone to the police station. I really thought once or twice that that dreadful man would have got the better of you."

"And no thanks to _you_ if he didn't," grunted the soldier. "I notice that, if your conscience goes against lighting yourself, it don't object to calling in others to fight for you."

"As a citizen," Mr. Plapp replied, "I have a legal right to police protection. Your own intervention, though I admit it was timely, was uninvited by me, and, indeed, I consider your presence here requires some explanation."

"I'd come up to tell you, as I told your good lady 'ere, that me and Louisa got married this morning, as I was home on six days' furlough from the Front. And she'll be leaving with me this very night."

"But only for the er--honeymoon, I trust?" cried Mr. Plapp, naturally dismayed at the prospect of losing so faithful and competent a maid-of-all-work altogether. "Although I cannot approve of this marriage, I am willing, under the circumstances, to overlook it and allow her to remain in my service."

"Remain!" said Louisa's husband, in a tone Mr. Plapp thought most uncalled for. "Why, I should never 'ave another 'appy moment in the trenches if I left her _'ere_, with no one to protect her but a thing like _you_! No, she's going to be in the care of someone I can _depend_ on--my old aunt!"

"I don't like losing Louisa," murmured Mrs. Plapp, so softly that her husband failed to catch her remark, "but--I think you're wise."

F. A.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A Dangerous Quest.

"Lost, at Bestwood, Saturday, Irish Terrier Dog, finder rewarded, dead or alive."--_Provincial Paper._

* * * * *

* * * * *

SCREEN INFLUENCES.

The plea, "I saw it at the Cinema," may be offered by others than those of tender years in excuse for vagaries of conduct.

Only the other day a young officer, wearing his Sam Browne equipment the wrong way round and carrying his sword under his left arm, was seen at King's Cross bidding farewell to his fiancee. As the train moved out he drew his sword, threw the scabbard away, and, standing stiffly to attention, saluted the fair lady. On being questioned by the authorities he said he was not aware that his conduct was unusual, as he had often seen that kind of thing done at the Cinema.

In view of the popularity of the Cinema to-day, habitues of our more palatial restaurants cannot be surprised at the growing custom among men about town of wearing the napkin tucked deeply in at the neck, cutting up all their food at one time, and conveying it afterwards to the mouth with the fork grasped in the right hand.

The following incident will show that the Cinema excuse is made to serve in other lands also. A simple Saxon soldier, in a moment of remembrance, stooped to pat the rosy cheek of a small Belgian child, then lifted the little one up and kissed him and kissed him again. A young officer caught him in the act. "What do you mean, you dog, by treating the brat so?" roared the lieutenant, who would have struck the man had not his companion, an older officer, restrained him. Together they waited for the fellow's explanation. "When I was on leave," said the soldier, "I--I saw Prussian soldiers treating little Belgian children like that--at the Cinema."

* * * * *

"The Elements so mixed" again.

"Of two evils always choose the lesser, and on the whole we think we might fall from the frying-pan into the fire if we swopped horses whilst crossing the stream."--_Financial Critic._

* * * * *

"Is the German Chancellor alone to be allowed to scatter broadcast his falsifications of history?"--_Daily Telegraph._

Oh, no! Some Members of the House of Commons have recently given him valuable assistance.

* * * * *

"How an Irish colleen travelled free from Ireland to London was explained at the Willesden Police Court yesterday, when she was charged with not paying her face."

_Daily Sketch._

Rather ungrateful of her, after travelling on it so far.

* * * * *

NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.

XV.--BILLINGSGATE.

"Trot, mare, trot, or I'll be late, And Billing will have locked his Gate.

"Mister Billing, Are you willing To open your Gate to me?" "Yes!" says Billing, "Give me a shilling And I will fetch the key."

"Mister Billing, I haven't a shilling, I'll give you a button of horn." "No!" says Billing, "I'm unwilling, A button will buy no corn."