Chapter 2

"Corporal 'e ses to me, las' kit inspection," broke in the fresh-faced youth, disregarding this nice point of ethics, "'W'ere's your tooth-brush?' 'e ses. 'Where you won't find it,' I ses. ''Oo're you talkin' to?' 'e ses. 'Dunno,' I ses; 'the ticket's fell off!... Wot d'yer call yourself, any'ow,' I ses, 'you an' yer stripe?' I ses. 'Funny bundle,' I ses, 'that's what I call you!'"

"Well, I don't see wot a feller's got to do," said the propounder of the problem, returning to the charge. "Granted as 'e can't walk about naked; granted as 'e 'asn't got a suit o' civvies of 'is own--wot _is_ 'e to do?"

"'Ang on to 'is kar-kee" said the hoarse-voiced man. The setter-down of corporals retired within himself, probably to compose some humorous repartee.

The warrant officer came out of _Freckles_ and suggested writing a letter.

"'E 'as done. 'E's wrote an' told 'em 'as 'e can't send 'is kar-kee back until 'e gets a suit o' Martin 'Enry's or thirty bob in loo of same. An' all as they done was to write again an' demand 'is uniform at once."

The warrant officer sighed and opined that orders were orders.

"Yes, but 'e 'd 'ave to carry 'em to the Post Office naked, wouldn't 'e? An' 'ow about goin' to buy new ones? That's if 'e 'd drawed 'is pay, which 'e 'asn't. Unreasonable, that's wot I calls it."

"'Asn't 'e got no civvies at all?" said the small man, beginning to look sceptical. "'Asn't 'e got no one as 'd lend 'im a soot? Anyways, 'e could get some one to post 'em for 'im, an' then stop in bed till 'is others come."

"'E's a very lonely feller," said the champion of the unclad; "'e lives in lodgin's, an 'e 'asn't got no friends. If 'e 'adn't got no clothes for to fetch 'is pay in, wot then?"

A gloomy silence, a silence fraught with the inevitability of destiny, settled on the party.

The warrant officer, who had been pretending to resume _Freckles_, presently looked up and suggested that he could go in his uniform to a tailor, explain the position and obtain clothes on credit.

The originator of the problem thought hard for a minute.

"'E isn't a man as I'd care to trust myself," he said rather unexpectedly, "an' I don't think no one else would neither."

It was at this point that the man from H.M.S. _Hedgehog_ (or, to be precise, H.M.S. _Something Else_) fell into the conversation suddenly, like a bomb.

"'E wouldn't be naked," he said earnestly; "'e'd 'ave 'is shirt."

This was a staggerer. One of those great simple truths sometimes overlooked by more abstruse thinkers. But the owner of the problem made one more stand.

"'Oo'd walk about in a shirt?" he said scornfully.

"Me," said the large seaman, "time I was torpedoed...."

He didn't say another word; but the problem was irretrievably lost. There had been something magnificently daring about the idea of a man walking about like a lost cherub; partly clothed, nobody cared very much what became of him.

Besides, we all wanted to hear Admiralty secrets. We sat there in respectful silence while the train rattled on its way; but the large seaman only went on smiling peacefully to himself, as if he were ruminating in immense satisfaction upon unprecedented bags of submarines.

* * * * *

"The architect for the new building left nothing out that would at all hamper the comfort of those who make this hotel their stopping place."--_New Zealand Paper._

We know that architect.

* * * * *

"The _Severn_ was moored in a position 1,000 miles closer to the enemy than on July 6, which made her fire much more effective." _Natal Mercury._

We can well believe this.

* * * * *

ANOTHER INDISPENSABLE.

* * * * *

TO MY COLD.

Lord of the rheumy eyes and blowing nose, On whom no fostering sun has ever shone, What mak'st thou here? Didst thou in sooth believe Thy presence would be welcome? Hast thou come Thinking to please me--me who, not at all Wanting to catch, have caught thee full and fair, And, loth to get, have got thee none the less? Why couldst thou not in thine own realms have stayed? Thou mightst have found--I can't go on like this; These second persons singular of verbs Are far too tricky; once involved in these, For instance, "lovedst" and "spreadst" and "stillst" and "gapest," And thousands more--once, as I say, involved In these too clinging tendrils one is done; And so I find I cannot write an ode, Not even a ten-syllabic blank-verse ode, In second persons singular of verbs, In "snifflest" and in "wheezest" and the rest, For I am sure to trip and spoil the thing, And bring grammatic censure on my head. Be, therefore, plural--"you" instead of "thou"-- Which makes things simpler. Now we can get on. O fain-avoided and most loathsome Cold, You with the sneezing, teasing, wheezing airs, What make you here at such a time as this, Melting my snowy store of handkerchiefs, Rasping my throat and bringing aches to range At large within the measure of my head? Platoon-Commanders of the Volunteers, Who now are recognised (three cheers!) at last, And of whose number I who write am one, Should be immune from colds; they sound absurd When bidding men to "boove to th' right id Fours," Or "order arbs" (or slope) or "stad at ease," Or "od the left" (or right) to "forb platood." Even the most submissive men begin To lose respect when such commands ring out. Wherefore, my cold--_atchoo_, _atchoo_--be off, Lest I report you and your deeds aright To Mr. TENNANT at the War Office.

* * * * *

In the cast of The Real Thing at Last:--

"Nearly murdered ... Mr. Godfrey Tearle (by permission of the Adelphi Theatre Co.)."--_Daily Telegraph._

A sorry return for Mr. TEARLE'S excellent work.

* * * * *

"THE FLOODS IN HOLLAND.

General Goethals states that he cannot predict a date for reopening the Panama Canal on account of the uncertainty of the movement of the slides."--_North China Daily News._

It looks like an infringement of the Monroe doctrine.

* * * * *

* * * * *

RECIPROCITY IN FICTION.

Forthcoming Masterpieces.

"It is not often," says a writer of what is called "Literary Intelligence," "that a novelist adopts a living fellow-worker as the central figure of his story. This is, however, the case with _My Lady of the Moor_, which Messrs. LONGMANS will shortly publish for Mr. JOHN OXENHAM. While wandering on Dartmoor he stumbled into a living actual romance, of which Miss BEATRICE CHASE, author of several popular books about Dartmoor, was the centre. This book tells the tale, which is named after Miss CHASE, _My Lady of the Moor_, and it has of course been written with her full consent and approval."

But the "Literary Intelligencer" did not know that Mr. OXENHAM is not the dazzling innovator that he might be thought. Why, even at the moment that Mr. OXENHAM was serving up Miss CHASE on toast, but always, of course, with perfect taste, Miss CHASE was performing the same culinary business for him. For her next novel, to be entitled with great charm _My Gentleman of the Cheek_, will present a faithful picture of the gifted JOHN and the figure he cut on Dartymoor all among the thikkies and down-alongs and tors.

Mr. HALL CAINE, having just been pleading in public for more War realism from literary artists, has in preparation a fascinating new romance entitled _Marie of Stratford_, which depicts, with all this master's restraint, power and genius, various phases in the life of a sister-novelist of whose existence he has recently heard. Nothing at once so charming and so arresting has been published for days.

It is announced that Miss MARIE CORELLI, who for too long has vouchsafed nothing fresh to her countless admirers, has just completed the (Isle of) Manuscript of a story which, like all her works, is epoch-making. Connoisseurs of literature, always eager for a new _frisson_, will be fascinated to learn that this novel has for its subject a fellow-novelist of whose retired existence she has but lately become aware. It takes the form of a saga and is entitled _Hall of the Three Legs_. Editions of a size commensurate with the scarcity of paper are being prepared.

Meanwhile we are informed that Mr. TASKER JEVONS is at work upon a trilogy of vast dimensions and meticulous detail, of which the heroine is Miss MAY SINCLAIR.

* * * * *

"The General Manager, in reply, said: Seeing that the privilege of addressing you in annual meeting comes to me once only in every forty-four years of service, and having regard to the vast interests included in this vote of thanks, there might be found some excuse for elaboration of acknowledgment were it not that discursiveness is entirely at variance with the habits of the staff."

_Pall Mall Gazette._

After another forty-four years' silence we hope he will really let himself go.

* * * * *

An Exchange of Ivories.

"Wanted, piano; dentist willing to make artificial teeth for same, or part."

_Edinburgh Evening Despatch._

* * * * *

A Hint to the Censor.

"To cool hot journals apply a dressing made of 11 lb. blacklead, 23 lb. Epsom salts, 9 lb. sulphur, 2 lb. lampblack and 5 lb. oxalic acid, mixed and ground together."--_Ironmonger._

* * * * *

HIS BARK IS ON THE SEA.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Tuesday, March 7th._--The House of Commons to-day devoted itself to the process curiously known as "getting the SPEAKER out of the Chair." The phrase suggests reluctance on the part of the occupant to leave his seat; though I cannot recall any occasion when the employment of force has been necessary to persuade Mr. LOWTHER to resign to the Chairman of Committees the duty of listening to dull speeches. But this afternoon I can imagine that the SPEAKER would have been well content to remain. For there was fun brewing. Mr. BALFOUR was to introduce the Naval Estimates, and his dear friend and ex-colleague, Colonel WINSTON CHURCHILL, was announced to follow him. The conjunction of these highly-electrified bodies is always apt to produce sparks. The House was well filled, and over the clock could be seen Lord FISHER, like "a sweet little cherub that sits up aloft to keep watch for the life of poor Jacky." The last time Mr. CHURCHILL spoke of Naval affairs in the House he was not quite nice to Lord FISHER. Would he be nicer this time?

I think Mr. BALFOUR must be something of a thought-reader. Intermingled with his narration of the varied and wonderful achievements of the Fleet, past and present, his description of the constant efforts to increase it both in ships and men, and his quietly confident prophecy that with this sure shield we might face the future in cheerful serenity, there were little sidethrusts at an imaginary critic. Some people had been silly enough to suggest that the new Board of Admiralty was so content with what had been done by "my right hon. and learned--I beg his pardon--gallant friend" that it had adopted a policy of "rest and be thankful". But there was no justification for "a certain kind of sub-acid pessimism that sometimes reaches my ears", and he must be a poor-spirited creature who, having been happy about the Navy in August, 1914, could be depressed about in March, 1916.

Then Colonel CHURCHILL proceeded to put the cap on. He has been studying the problems of sea-power in the trenches of Flanders, and the process has led him to gloomy conclusions. Suppose the Germans have been building more ships than we have: suppose they have put into them bigger guns than we wot of; suppose they were to come out at their selected moment and found us at our average moment.... The House was beginning to be a little weary of these depressing hypotheses when it was suddenly brought up all standing by the discovery that the orator was delivering a eulogy on Lord Fisher. He was the man who got things done in a hurry. He was the man who had the driving power. They had "parted brass-rags" over Gallipoli, it was true; but by-gones were by-gones. Having been away for some months, his mind was now clear (irreverent laughter), and he had come to recognise that his former foe was the only possible First Sea Lord.

It must have been a little embarrassing for Lord FISHER to sit still and hear his praises thus chanted. But it is difficult to escape from the seat over the Clock without treading upon other people's toes, and this Lord FISHER is notoriously averse from doing. The moment, however, that Colonel CHURCHILL had finished he left the Gallery; but before he could wholly emerge he had to suffer the further shock of being cheered by some over-enthusiastic admirers behind him. It was a pity he left so soon, for later Sir HEDWORTH MEUX, fresh from Portsmouth, had some things to say which would not have compelled his blushes.

_Wednesday, March 8th._--Members wondered yesterday why no reply to Colonel CHURCHILL was forthcoming from the Treasury Bench. Mr. BALFOUR made ample amends to-day for the omission. There is something in the personality of his critic--memories of Lord RANDOLPH, perhaps--that seems to put on extra polish on Mr. BALFOUR'S rapier when he deals with him. Who that heard it will ever forget his inimitable description of the then HOME SECRETARY superintending--"with a photographer"--the historic Siege of Sidney Street? This afternoon his sword-play was equally brilliant; and there was even more force behind the thrusts. If there had been delay in the progress of the new Dreadnoughts why was it? Because his right hon. predecessor had diverted the guns and gun-mountings intended for them into his new-fangled monitors. He had boasted of his own rapid shipbuilding. It had indeed been rapid--so much so that some of the vessels thus hastily constructed had now been remodelled. Coming to the proposed "remedy"--the recall of Lord FISHER to the Board of Admiralty--Mr. BALFOUR assumed a sterner tone. He reminded the house that Lord FISHER had been accused by his present champion of not having given him clear guidance or firm support over the Gallipoli Expedition. Colonel CHURCHILL'S present opinion of Lord FISHER was totally inconsistent with that which he had expressed a few months ago: possibly they were both remote from the truth. But it was an amazing proposition that the Government should be asked to dismiss Sir HENRY JACKSON, an officer who was everything that Lord FISHER according to Colonel CHURCHILL was not. He himself would not yield an inch to such a demand.

Spontaneous debate has never been the Colonel's strong point. His oratorical engines are driven by midnight oil. Wisely, therefore, he did not attempt an elaborate _réplique_ to Mr. BALFOUR'S "sword-play," but contented himself with a brief restatement of his case.

_Thursday, March 9th._--Prophets swarm in both Houses of Parliament, but the House of Lords is unique in possessing one who confines himself to subjects which he has at his fingers' ends and whose prophecies have a habit of coming true. What Lord MONTAGU OF BEAULIEU does not know of the petrol engine, and its use on land or sea or in the air, is not worth knowing. Seven years ago he warned his countrymen of the bomb-dropping possibilities of the new German air-ships. A little later he pointed out that it was very doubtful if dirigible balloons could be successfully attacked by gunfire from the ground, and that the only effective way of opposing them was to meet like with like. Again in 1913 he dwelt upon the inadequacy of our aerial defences.

His object to-day was not to extol his own merits as a prophet, but to get the Government to act on the motto "One Element One Service" and establish a single Ministry of the Air. Lord HALDANE thought we ought to do some "violent thinking" before adopting the proposal, but quite agreed (with a reminiscent glance at the Woolsack) that we had not made sufficient use of lighter-than-air machines. That was Lord BERESFORD'S view, too; we must oppose Zeps to Zeps. Then, having evidently done some violent thinking over the recent debate in the Commons he launched out into a wholly irrelevant attack upon Colonel CHURCHILL for trying to create anxiety about the Fleet, and appealed to Lord FISHER (who was not present though Lord BERESFORD had particularly invited him) to repudiate the agitation conducted by the honourable Member for DUNDEE, a few newspapers and twenty sandwichmen. Lord LANSDOWNE subsequently noted that this most irregular digression appeared to be "not wholly distasteful" to the peers assembled. Turning to Lord MONTAGU'S proposal he pointed out that the Government had gone some way to meet it by setting up Lord DERBY'S Committee. But, though prepared to see the Cabinet increased to a round couple of dozen, he was not convinced that the only way to remove imperfections was to appoint a new Minister to deal with them.

It seems probable therefore that there is no truth in the report that Colonel CHURCHILL has been asked to join the Government as Minister of Admonitions.

* * * * *

* * * * *

Painful Accident to a Clergyman.

"While the Rev. Mr. Stulting was camping out one of his calves was attacked and stung to death by a passing swarm of bees."

_Cape Argus._

* * * * *

Sir THOMAS MACKENZIE, as reported by _The East Anglian Daily Times_:--

"I now think it is time you intermingled with your affairs a little of the wisdom of the sergent instead of the dove-like kindness which you have showed to the Germans in the past."

There is a strong feeling among our N.C.O.'s that this is sound advice.

* * * * *

"Lord Strachie asked in the House of Lords yesterday whether the Government proposed to restrict the importation of hope."

_Evening Paper._

We understand that the answer was in the negative, as, owing to the activity of pessimists, there is still some shortage in the home-grown supplies.

* * * * *

THE RECONCILIATION.

[It is thought that the following story may have been intended for the "Organ of Organs" (R.A.M.C.)].

Charles, the young Army Medical, went down on one patella. His heart (a hollow muscular pump) was driving blood from its ventricles as it had never yet driven it in all its twenty-five years of incessant labour. Further, by flattening the arch of his diaphragm and elevating his ribs and sternum, Charles was increasing the cavity of his thorax and taking in air. Immediately the diaphragm and the sternum and costal cartilages relaxed again the air escaped. The lungs of Charles were doing their work. Fast and yet faster became his breathing.

"Mabel," he murmured, "Mabel!"

The girl made no movement. Her respiration continued, but no impulse to action reached her nerve-centres. Yet, without an effort on her part, her tissues in one minute produced enough heat to boil one twenty-fourth of a pint of water.

"Wonderful!" he whispered hoarsely, probably thinking of this, "you are wonderful."

You will not marvel that his voice was gruff when I tell you that the membrane of the larynx was inflamed. Greater men than Charles have become hoarse in such circumstances.

Immediately the blood rushed to the capillaries of Mabel's cheeks and her colour deepened. She trembled slightly.

"There, that's it!" he cried, gazing rapturously.

"What?" she gasped, startled by his passion.

"Again that artery below your ear is throbbing, throbbing, and"--his voice rose in despair--"I can never remember the name! Can you?"

"Alas," she moaned, "I do not know it! Oh, Charles, there is something I must tell you at once."

"What is it?" he cried with sudden fear. "What is it?"

"Why, I--I----Oh, I do not know how to say it. Charles, you will never forgive me!"

"What is it, dearest? Tell me--you can trust me. The medical profession----"

"Well, then, I tried to bandage little Johnny's foot yesterday, and--and----"

"Calm yourself, dear. And----?"

"I tied a 'granny' knot. Oh, Charles, _don't_ be angry. I _know_ it ought to have been a 'reef'!"

He looked about him dully, like a man stunned.

"Charles," she moaned, "listen! After all, I put it on the wrong foot."

He started violently.

"Mabel," he cried, "you are sure? Then I will not let you go. Had you tied that 'granny' knot on the right foot, I--we--as an R.A.M.C. man, I----"

She clung to him sobbingly.

"Charles, oh Charles," she panted, "you have proved it to me. You love me! (Is my heart throbbing now?) You love me and it will break for joy!"

The phalanges and the metacarpal bones of her left hand clicked together as if in sympathy as she flung it to her side.

Again her cerebrum flashed its joyful message, so that she repeated, "My heart!"

At the word Charles, the R.A.M.C. man, rose from his patella and placed his hands firmly on his femur bones.

His whole bearing had changed.

"This," he said slowly and ringingly, "is the end. When I entered this room I loved you--I admit it. But--you have deceived me! Look at that hand! It is covering--what? The floating costae! Your heart is not where you would have me believe. It is fully three inches higher and more to the right. That is not a small matter, or one with which you should trifle as you do. But you have deceived me in a greater than that."

"Oh, what is it? What have I done?" sobbed Mabel hysterically.

"The greater matter," continued Charles in trumpet tones, "is that _the heart is not the seat of the emotions at all_. I can only conclude that your agitation was feigned. I wish you good-day, Madam."

He had reached the door when she cried aloud.

"Charles!"

An urgent message from Charles's cerebellum, delivered to certain motor nerves by way of the spinal cord, disposed him to turn on his heel.

He waited in silence.

"Charles dearest, if it was the wrong place, and I didn't cover my heart after all, why, Charles, remember Johnny's foot and be logical!"

She was there before him, glorious, and Charles stood dazzled.

"You are right!" he cried. "Mabel! If you _had_ covered your heart!!"

"Charles!!!"

* * * * *

* * * * *

"Yesterday between Forges and Bethincourt, west of the Meuse, the enemy made use of suffocating gas, but did not attack with infancy."--_Timaru Herald (N.Z.)._

We are glad to have this evidence that the Huns have given up using children to screen their advances.

* * * * *