Chapter 2

"Young Baby--Wanted, homely woman to take charge of duration of war."

_Wood Green Sentinel._

If she will only finish it satisfactorily--the War, we mean, not the baby--we don't mind how homely she is.

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Under the heading of "Horses, Harness, &c.":--

"Offer, cheap--Horse Chestnuts, 6 to 8 feet; Scotch, 2 to 3 feet; Spruce, about 2 feet; also Privet, Lilacs, Laurels, etc."

_Irish Times._

We are quite glad to see this old joke in harness again.

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"Tourists are permitted to carry cameras and use them as long as they do not attempt to take fortresses."

_Russian Year Book._

These 4.7 cameras are deadly things for siege work.

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"Quite the tit-bit of the evening was the little interlude in the duet from 'Faust' taken by Mr. H---- as Faust and Mr. B---- P---- as Mephistopheles. 'His Satanic Majesty' sings--

"'What is your will? At once tell me. Are you afraid?'"

_Accrington Observer._

Is this "My dear Tino" under another name?

* * * * *

THE BATTLE OF JOBEY.

January, 1916, will ever be remembered as the eventful month in which the oldest men in England turned aside from all their other pursuits and disregarded the state of Europe in order to take part in the Battle of Jobey. Their battle-ground was the columns of _The Times_, and no one was too proud or venerable to fight. Peers, bishops, deans, statesmen, baronets, knights--all rushed in, and still no one quite knows the result. How many Jobeys were there? we still ask ourselves. Did anyone really know the first Jobey, or was there only an ancestral Jobey back in the days of EDWARD VI.? How old was the dynasty? Was Jobey Levi? Was Jobey Powell? Was Jobey short and fat? Was Jobey tall and thin? What did Jobey sell? What did Jobey do?

To begin with, what was the _casus belli_? No one can remember. But some old Etonian, reminiscing, had the effrontery to believe that the Jobey to whom, in his anecdotage, he referred, who sold oranges at the gate or blew up footballs or performed other jobicular functions, was the only Jobey. That was enough. Instantly in poured other infuriated old Etonians, also in anecdotage, to pit their memories against his. Everything was forgotten in the struggle: the KAISER'S illness, Sir IAN HAMILTON'S despatch, the Compulsion Bill, the Quakers and their consciences, the deficiencies of the Blockade. Nothing existed but Jobey.

All the letters, however, were not printed, and some of those that escaped _The Times_ have fallen into our own hand. We give one or two:--

Sir,--Your Correspondents are wrong. Jobey was a fat red man, with a purple nose and a wooden leg.

I am, Yours faithfully, NESTOR.

Sir,--My recollection of Jobey is exact. He was a fat man with a hook instead of a left hand, and he stood at least six feet six inches high. No one could mistake him.

I am, Obediently yours,

METHUSELAH PARR.

Sir,--JOWETT, though not an Etonian himself, was greatly interested in anecdotes of Jobey related to him by Etonian undergraduates in the "sixties," and on one occasion, when he was the guest of the Headmaster, he was introduced to the famous factotum, who instructed him in the art of blowing up footballs, and presented him with a blood orange, which JOWETT religiously preserved for many years in a glass-case in his study. In features they were curiously alike, but Jobey's nose was larger and far redder than that of the Master's. I have given a fuller account of the interview in my _Balliol Memories_, Vol. iii., pp. 292-5, but may content myself with saying here that the two eminent men parted with mutual respect.

I am, Sir, Yours faithfully,

LEMUEL LONGMIRE.

Sir,--I wish to point out that "My Tutor's" is hopelessly wrong in thinking that his Jobey is the real Jobey. Looking through my diary for June, 1815, I find this entry:--

"News of Waterloo just received. Jobey, who has charge of all the cricket implements and is generally the custodian of the playing fields, monstrously drunk, on the ground of having won the battle."

This conclusively proves that there was a Jobey before the old fellow who has just died aged 85. But how anyone can be interested in people aged only 85, I cannot conceive. My own age is 118, and I am still in possession of an exact memory and a deadly diary.

I remain, Sir, Yours truly,

JOHN BARCHESTER.

Sir,--Although in my hundred-and-fiftieth year I can still recollect my school days with crystal clearness, and it pains me to find a lot of young Etonians claiming to have had dealings with the original Jobey. The original Jobey died in 1827, and I was at his funeral. He was then a middle-aged man of 93. When I was at Eton in 1776-1783, he stood with his basket opposite "Grim's," and if any of us refused to buy he gave us a black eye. Discipline was lax in those days, but we were all the better for it. On Jobey's death a line of impostors no doubt was established, trying to profit by the great name; but none of these can be called the original Jobey, except under circumstances of the crassest ignorance or folly.

I am, Yours, etc., SENEX.

Sir,--It is tolerably obvious that your correspondent "Drury's" is suffering from hallucinations of the most virulent type. _Maxima debetur pueris reverentia_ is all very well, but facts are facts. There may have been many pseudo-Jobeys, but the real original was born in the year of the Great Fire of London and died in 1745. He was already installed in the reign of WILLIAM III., and was the first to introduce Blenheim oranges to the Etonian palate. He was an under-sized man, about five feet five inches high, with a pale face and hooked nose and always wore a woollen muffler, which we called "Jobey's comforter." To represent him as belonging to the Victorian age is an anachronism calculated to make the angels weep.

I am, Sir, Yours everlastingly,

MELCHISEDEK PONTOPPIDAN.

* * * * *

A MOTHER TO AN EMPEROR.

I made him mine in pain and fright, The only little lad I'd got, And woke up aching night by night To mind him in his baby cot; And, whiles, I jigged him on my knee And sang the way a mother sings, Seeing him wondering up at me Sewing his little things, And never gave a thought to wars and kings.

I heard his prayers or smacked him good, And watched him learning miles ahead Of all his mother ever could, Roughing my hands to set him bread; And when he was a man I tried Not to forget as he was grown, And didn't keep him close beside All for my very own-- And meanwhiles you was brooding on your throne.

And now--He wouldn't wait no more, I've helped him go, I couldn't choose; My one's another in the score Of all you've grabbed; seems like I lose. But don't you think you've done so well Taking my lad that's got but one; He'll fight for me, he'll fight like hell, And, when you're down and done, You'll curse the day you stole my only son.

* * * * *

COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.

From a shoemaker's advertisement:--

"8 years' wear! 12 hours' ease."

* * * * *

COMFORTING THE FOE.

"Books and Magazines may be handed in at the counter of any Post Office, unwrapped, unlabelled, and hunaddressed."

_Parish Magazine._

* * * * *

"To be LET, FURNISHED, cosily FURNISHED COUNTRY HOUSE, offering rest, recuperation, recreation, and the acme of comfort; 10 bedrooms, 2 bath, 4 reception; stabling, garage, billiards, tennis, croquet, miniature rifle range, small golf course, fringed pool, gardens, walks, telephone, radiators, gas; near town and rail; rent £3 3s. weekly, including gardener's wages."--_The Devon and Exeter Gazette._

With a lodge, a deer park, and a "revenue of populars," this would be a bargain.

* * * * *

AN INFANT IN ARMS.

* * * * *

HOW TO TALK TO THE WOUNDED.

* * * * *

THE GRAND TOUR.

I always wished to see the world--I 'ad no chanst before, Nor I don't suppose I should 'ave if there 'adn't been no war; I used to read the tourist books, the shippin' news also, An' I 'ad the chance o' goin', so I couldn't 'elp but go.

We 'ad a spell in Egypt first, before we moved along Acrost the way to Suvla, where we got it 'ot an' strong; We 'ad no drink when we was dry, no rest when we was tired, But I've seen the Perramids an' Spink, which I 'ad oft desired.

I've what'll last me all my life to talk about an' think; I've sampled various things to eat an' various more to drink; I've strolled among them dark bazaars, which makes the pay to fly (An' I 'ad my fortune told as well, but that was all my eye).

I've seen them little islands too--I couldn't say their names-- An' towns as white as washin'-day an' mountains spoutin' flames; I've seen the sun come lonely up on miles an' miles o' sea: Why, folks 'ave paid a 'undred pound an' seen no more than me.

The sky is some'ow bluer there--in fact, I never knew As any sun could be so 'ot or any sky so blue; There's figs an' dates an' suchlike things all 'angin' on the trees, An' black folks walkin' up an' down as natural as you please.

I always wished to see the world, I'm fond o' life an' change, But ABDUL got me in the leg; an' this is passin' strange, That when you see Old England's shore all wrapped in mist an' rain, Why, it's worth the bloomin' bundle to be comin' 'ome again!

* * * * *

A FAIR EXCHANGE.

From _The Gazette of India_:---

"Delhi, the 16th December, 1915.--No. 100-C. With reference to Notification No. 2529, dated the 21st October 1915, Mr. H. W. Emerson, Indian Civil Service, is appointed Under Secretary to the Government of India, Department of Revenue and Agriculture, s. _p. t._ with effect from the forenoon of the 29th November 1915 and until further orders.--F. NOYCE, Offc. Secretary to the Government of India."

"Simla, the 16th December 1915.--No. 2842. With reference to Notification No. 2417, dated the 19th October 1915, Mr. F. Noyce, Indian Civil Service, is appointed Secretary to the Government of India, Department of Revenue and Agriculture, s. _p. t._, with effect from the forenoon of the 29th November 1915 and until further orders.--H. W. EMERSON, Under Secretary to the Government of India."

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"Jamaica has removed the embargo on the exportation of logwood to British possessions and also to America and ports in France and Italy."--_The Times._

A mixed blessing. There's too much logwood in some ports as it is.

* * * * *

From _A Little Guide to Essex_:--

"Steeple Bumpstead (see Bumpstead, Steeple). Bumpstead, Steeple (see Steeple Bumpstead).... Bumpstead, Helions (see Helions Bumpstead). Helions Bumpstead (see Bumpstead, Helions)."

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"THE MAN THAT BROKE THE BACK OF MONTENEGRO."

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.)

_House of Commons, Monday, January 17th._--To-day's sitting included episode justly described by REDMOND as miraculous in relations between Ireland and her sisters in the family of the Empire. In Committee on Military Service Bill question promptly raised on exclusion of Ireland. Amendment moved by Unionist Member for Belfast to make Bill operative in the three Kingdoms.

Significant note struck at outset by PRIME MINISTER. Overwhelmed with work, unable to take personal charge of Bill in Committee, he deputed task, not to Home Rule IRISH SECRETARY, to whom it officially belonged, but to the Unionist COLONIAL SECRETARY.

In delicate position, BONAR LAW acquitted himself with excellent taste, unerring tact. He did not disguise fact that as a Unionist his sympathies were with the Amendment. But he insisted that more would be lost than gained by trying to enforce Military Service on country divided upon the question.

"To anyone who knows the history of Ireland," he said, "who knows the history in our own lifetime, and the part which has been played by Nationalist Members in this House and Nationalist Members in Ireland--to anyone who recalls the state of this country during the whole of the Napoleonic Wars, when Ireland was a constant source of danger to Great Britain, it is not a small thing, it is a very great thing, that for the first time in our history the official representatives of the Nationalist Party are openly and avowedly on the side of Great Britain."

CARSON patriotically responded to this harmonious call, rare in discussing Ireland across floor of the House. Regretfully but uncompromisingly advised withdrawal of Amendment moved by Ulster Member.

JOHN REDMOND, in speech pathetic in its plea, besought the House to refrain from effort to drive Ireland. The part her people have taken in the War side by side with British comrades was splendid.

"I am," he said, "as proud of the Ulster Regiments as I am of the Nationalist Regiments. If five years ago any one had predicted that in a great war in which the Empire was engaged 95,000 recruits would have been raised from Ireland and that there would be 151,143 Irishmen with the colours, would he not have been looked upon as a lunatic?"

One note of discord came from little group below Gangway on Liberal side. Unable to withstand temptation to obtain mean little triumph, they refused to permit withdrawal of Amendment, as suggested by BONAR LAW and accepted by CARSON, and it was perforce negatived.

ALL FOR IRELAND--A WAR-TIME HARMONY.

_Business done._--Military Service Bill in Committee.

_Wednesday_, 2.10 A.M.--House adjourned after ten hours' wrestling with Military Service Bill.

Once upon a time, not so far back, there was an Irish Member who, on his triumphant return to Westminster, took the oath and his seat at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, delivered his maiden speech at 6.50, and on the stroke of midnight was suspended for disorderly conduct.

That a record difficult to beat. The Member for Australia (London address, St. George's, Hanover Square) with characteristic modesty diffidently approached it. Taking his seat last Wednesday, he to-day delivered his maiden speech. It was risky in face of the sound axiom, adapted from nursery discipline, that new Members should (for a reasonable period) be seen, not heard. As a breaker of unwritten law Sir GEORGE has extenuation of success. This due to intrinsic merits of speech. Foremost of these was brevity. Furthermore, it was in the best sense a contribution to debate, arising directly out of question sprung upon Committee. No asphyxiating smell of the lamp about it. Sound in argument, felicitous in phrase.

IVOR HERBERT had moved amendment to Military Service Bill, bring within its purview all unmarried men as they attain the age of eighteen years. The Bill calls to the colours only those who on 15th August last had reached that age.

"When the flames of destruction are approaching the fabric of our liberties," said Sir George REID by way of peroration, "let us save our house first and discuss our domestic rearrangements afterwards."

The new Member rose in nearly empty House. Members already aweary of ineffectual talk round foregone conclusion. News that he was on his feet signalled throughout the precincts, Members hurried in to hear. Amongst them came the PRIME MINISTER. Amendment withdrawn.

_Business done._--Committee sat far into foggy night, driving Military Service Bill through Committee against obstruction on the part of at most a score of Members.

_Thursday._--Both sides unite in welcoming JACK PEASE back to Ministerial Position. (_Mem._--Commonly called Jack because he was christened Joseph Albert). After filling in succession offices of Chief Whip of Liberal Party, Chancellor of Duchy and Minister for Education, in each gaining general approval and personal popularity, he was one of the sacrificial lambs cut off by reconstruction of Ministry on Coalition principles.

Took what must have been bitter disappointment with dignified reserve.

Having made the personal statement common to retiring Ministers, he did not seat himself on the Front Opposition Bench on the look-out for opportunity to "hesitate dislike" of policy and action of former colleagues. Seeking for chance to do his bit in connection with the War, at request of Army Council he undertook unpaid post of Civil Member on Claims Commission in France. Comes back to Treasury Bench as Postmaster-General, in succession to the INFANT SAMUEL, who, in accordance with the tradition of early childhood, has, since first promoted to Ministerial office, been "called" several times to others.

SARK, always considerate of convenience of public, thinks it may be well to state that it will be no use anyone looking in at Post Office and crying, "Pease! Pease!" Not because there is no Pease, but because there are two--JACK, the Postmaster-General, and his cousin PIKE PEASE, formerly a Unionist Whip, who has for some months served as Assistant Postmaster-General.

_Business done._--In Committee on Military Service Bill.

_Thursday_.--Fourth night of debate in Committee on Military Service Bill. Concluded a business that might have been as fully accomplished at one sitting. Save for a few immaterial amendments; of the verbal kind, Bill stands as it did when introduced. Scene closed with exchange of compliments between BONAR LAW and little band who have succeeded in keeping talk going. He expressed satisfaction, "or perhaps something rather stronger" (this a little dubious), at the way in which opposition had been conducted. They protested it was all due to his conciliatory manner.

And so home to bed as early as eleven o'clock.

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* * * * *

DELHI-ON-SEA.

"Delhi, Monday,--The P. and O. Steamer Arabia, with the outward mail of the 22nd, arrived here at 1-30 p.m. to-day (Sunday)."

_The Beharee_.

* * * * *

"Commencing on December 1st the London banks will close at three o'clock, except on Saturday at one o'clock, with a view to assisting recruiting by realising a number of clerks."

_Bay of Plenty Times._

Financially and otherwise the bank-clerk is one of our best securities.

* * * * *

PLUS ÇA CHANGE, PLUS C'EST LA MÊME CHOSE.

Before the War Miss Betty Pink Was just an ordinary mink; Her skirt was short, her eye was glad, Her hats would almost drive you mad, She was, in fact, to many a boy A source of perturbation; At household duties she would scoff, She lived for tennis, bridge and golf, She motored, hunted, smoked and biked, Did just exactly what she liked, And took a quite delirious joy In casual flirtation.

But when the War arrived, you see, She flew at once to V.A.D., Belgians, Red Cross, and making mitts, And (profitably) sold her Spitz, And studied mild economy In things she wasn't wrapt in; One game alone of all her games She stuck to. Which is why her name's No longer Pink. I laughed almost, On reading in _The Morning Post_, That Betty, "very quietly," Had wed a tempy Captain.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ERIN-GO-BRAGH.

"Saft marnin', Mrs. Ryan--ye're out early this marnin'."

"Ye say right, Mrs. Flanagan, I am that. Me son wint back to the Front last night, and Himself was out seein' him off at the staymer, all through the pourin' rain, the way he's not able to shtir hand or fut. I was just down to Gallagher's gettin' him some medicine."

"Ah, now! 'tis too bad that Himself is sick. Will I help yez with the bottles, Mrs. Ryan?"

"Thank yez, Ma'am, it's too kind ye are."

"And ye tell me y'r son is away agin, and him only just back! 'Tis a tarrible warr, an' there's a powerful lot av fine young fellows that'll be missing when they come back to Dublin agin."

"Ah! ye may well say that, Mrs. Flanagan. There's more than a million gone out of this disthrict alone, and there's Irishmen fightin' in all the himispheres of th' worrld. They tell me that the Irish bees in such numbers that the inimy got fair desprit an' rethreated into Siberia to get away from thim, till they met more av us comin' along from th' other ind of the worrld."

"Glory be! But isn't that wandherful?"

"Ay, 'twas the Tinth Division, so it was, the brave boys comin' back afther fightin' the Turks, bad luck to them f'r haythens! F'r didn't Lord KITCHENER himself go out to see thim at the Dardnells, and ses he, 'What's the use of wastin' brave throops here? We'll lave the English to clane up the threnches,' and on that they packs the Irish off and marches thim thousands of miles intil Siberia. Ah! 'twas the dhrop thim Germins got when they came shtrugglin' along wan day and run up aginst the ould Tinth agin. There was tarrible slaughter that day, and the inimy bruk in great disorther, and is now trying to escape down the Sewers into the Canal."

"Well now, Mrs. Ryan, that's grand news ye do be tellin'. 'Tis fair wandherful how well up in it y' are. But will ye tell me now what would the English be doin' all this time? Surely ye don't mane to say that the whole av th' Army bees Irish?"

"Not at all, Mrs. Flanagan, not at all. But the _fightin'_ rigimints is mostly Irish. Ye see, th' Army has to be fed, and the threnches has to be claned and drained, and so on, and the English does the cookin' and clanin' for the Irish. But anny fightin' that's done is done bo th' Irish rigimints, as is well known to be the best fighters in the worrld."

"But will ye tell me now, what's this I hear about making the English go into the Army be description?"