Chapter 2

Beyond the Brigade the obstacles really begin. But if you use a revolver freely for wire-cutting and rope your party together--this prevents anyone sitting down by the wayside to take his boots off "because they draws that bad"--you will reach the rendezvous assigned to you within an hour of the time assigned to you. At this point you will learn that no guide has been seen or heard of there, and, subsequently, that the guide was warned for another square that certainly looks very similar on the map. But again, if you know guides, you will guess that he went straight to the spot where the job was to be done without bothering about anything so intricate or superfluous as a rendezvous. Anyhow you will probably end by getting some sort of casual labour somewhere, some time or other, and no questions asked so long as you don't inadvertently dig through from a main drain into a C.O.'s dugout.

There is a new joke too, a Red Book, out of which we are gradually becoming millionaires. It is full of comfortable claims and allowances for gentlemen serving the KING overseas. The only thing is it takes a bit of working out. There are so many channels of enrichment. Thus in June--I forget the exact date--I spent a night in the train. Although I had a bed and beer in bottles all the way from England, not to mention usual meals and part use of doctor, I became entitled to one franc ten centimes in lieu of something which I have now forgotten. (Authority, W.O. Letter 2719.) Then a broken revolver is worth no less than seventy-two shillings, but I have to collect autographs to get that Unclaimed groom's allowance--I don't think my groom has claimed it--comes to nearly four-and-sixpence; and I find I have been quite needlessly getting my hair cut at my own expense these many months.

And yet I am afraid that when have made it all out and got a chartered accountant to account for it--that ought to mean a few pounds Chartered Accountant allowance--my application will be returned to me because the envelope is not that shade of mauve officially ordained for the enclosure of Overseas Officers' Claims.

* * * * *

TO "LIFE" OF NEW YORK.

(_In acknowledgment of its "John Bull Number."_)

In earlier peaceful days your attitude Was witty and satirical and shrewd, But, whether you were serious or skittish, Always a candid critic of things British, Though, when you were unable to admire us, _Life's_ "little ironies" were free from virus. But since the War began your English readers Have welcomed MARTIN's admirable leaders-- Which prove that all that's honest, clean and wise In the United States is pro-Allies-- And learned to recognise in _Life_ a friend On whom to reckon to the bitter end. But these good services you now have crowned By something finer, braver, more profound-- Your "John Bull Number," where we gladly trace Pride in the common glories of our race, Goodwill, good fellowship, kind words of cheer, So frank, so unmistakably sincere, That we can find (in ARTEMUS'S phrase) No "slopping over" of the pap of praise, But just the sort of message that one brother Would send in time of trial to another. And thus, whatever comes of WILSON's Notes, Of Neutral claims or of the tug for votes, Nothing that happens henceforth can detract From your fraternal and endearing act, Which fills your cup of kindness brimming full, And signals _Sursum corda_ to John Bull.

(_The War Week by Week, as seen from New York. Being Observations from "Life."_ By E.S. MARTIN.)

* * * * *

"The Chairman said he should like to appeal to the good sense of the inhabitants of Duffield, through the Press, to do all they could to darken their windows not only at the front of the houses, but also at the back.

The Clerk said the Council had no power to take action in this matter only by persuasion, and it was decided that 500 leaflets should be distributed by the lamplighters to each house."--_Derbyshire Advertiser._

And with pulp so expensive, too!

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS. THE PLAY WITH A MORAL.

* * * * *

* * * * *

MUSICAL JUMBOMANIA.

"The piano with a thirty-foot keyboard, forty-five octaves, and five hundred and twenty-two keys, which Mr. Alfred Butt will 'present' in 'Follow the Crowd' at the Empire Theatre, is now in course of construction. Six pianists will play it, and Mr. Irving Berlin, the composer of 'Watch Your Step,' is composing some special melodies for them."--_Sunday Paper._

The new Bombastophone which the Titanola Company are constructing for Mr. Boomer, the famous War lecturer, is approaching completion. This remarkable instrument, which roughly resembles a double-bassoon, stands about 45 feet high, and has a compass of 500 octaves, from the low B flat _in profundissimo_ to the high G on the Doncaster St. Leger line. The use that Mr. Boomer makes of the Bombastophone is very original and effective. Whenever he sees that the attention of his audience is flagging he introduces an interlude of "bombination," which renders lethargy impossible and exercises an indescribably stimulating effect on the tympanum. The current of air is supplied by a bellows operated by an eight-cylinder Brome engine, but Mr. Boomer works the keys himself, climbing up and down them with a rapidity which must be seen to be appreciated.

Another instrument which is expected to work a revolution in the realm of sonority is the Clumbungo Drum, on which Mr. Wackford Bumpus will shortly give a recital at the Albert Hall. The drum, which is made of teak and rhinoceros hide, is three hundred feet in circumference, but only twenty feet high, and the drumsticks are of proportionate length. As Dr. Blamphin, the eminent aurist, remarks, "The merit of the notes of this momentous instrument is their profound sincerity. They cannot be disregarded even by the most absent-minded auditor."

* * * * *

HINTS FOR AIR RAIDS.

The War Office have issued a notice reminding the public that they are greatly inconvenienced by persons who telephone for information during the progress of an air raid. To avoid a repetition of the trouble the attention of the public is called to the following information:--

(1) Elderly ladies may deposit their lap dogs in the bomb-proof shelter erected for that purpose in the basement of the War Office buildings at Whitehall, a charge of one penny per dog per raid being made.

(2) Persons removed from the interior of motor omnibuses by the explosion of bombs dropped by airships cannot claim from the Government a refund of the fares paid by them.

(3) Persons having reason to believe that an air raid is in progress are requested to put on their hats before leaving the house, as it has been ascertained that a hard hat is a substantial protection against falling Zeppelins.

(4) For the benefit of editors and others who are dissatisfied with the precautions taken to cope with the Zeppelin peril, Messrs. Selfgrove & Co. announce that their new Strafing Room will shortly be open to the public.

(5) As the force of a bomb explosion is largely in an upward direction, those in the immediate vicinity of a dropping bomb are advised to assume a recumbent position, in which they will enjoy the added advantage of being indistinguishable from the pavement.

(6) As theatre audiences are notoriously subject to panic, actor-managers are earnestly requested to prepare beforehand some suitable jest with which, in the event of a bomb entering the theatre, the attention of the audience may be distracted.

* * * * *

A BLOW FOR THE CRESCENT.

* * * * *

UNDERGROUND GAME.

It was four o'clock on a wet wintry morning.

Captain Blank executed an inadvertent double-shuffle on a greasy trench plank and wondered vaguely why the rain should _always_ come from the north-east. Presently a figure squelched up to him and halted.

"'Tis Sergeant O'Hagan, Sorr," it whispered hoarsely.

"Well, Sergeant, what is it?"

"'Tis the sintry at Fosse 19, Sorr. He's reported quare noises in that inimy sap beyant."

"Been dreaming, I expect," muttered the Captain, and then added briskly, "I think I'll have a listen myself. Go ahead, Sergeant."

They made their way slowly along the uneven trench, past silent figures reclining in various attitudes of ease or discomfort; past emplacements where machine-guns and trench-mortars were innocently sleeping (with one eye always open) or being overhauled by an expert night-nurse. Eventually, by that instinct common to trench-dwellers and professional poachers, they found themselves at Fosse 19, and with superlative caution crept up to the sentry.

"What's wrong?" whispered the Captain tersely.

"Well, Sir," replied Private Blobbs, "I was standin' 'ere on listenin' duty, when I 'ears somethink movin' very contagious, so I pops up me 'ead to 'ave a peep. Didn't see nothink, but I 'ears a pecooliar noise like----There y'are, Sir."

He broke off abruptly, and, borne upon the wind, came a series of guttural murmurs.

"Now wouldn't ut give one a quare shtart, that?" remarked Sergeant O'Hagan, _sotto voce_.

"Um-m," said the Captain thoughtfully. "I think Mr. Hamilton had better have a look round."

A few minutes later, having invaded the privacy of "Whortleberry Villa," he was relentlessly prodding a bundle of waterproofs.

"Come on, young fella!" he exclaimed when the bundle showed signs of life; "bombin' party forward. Brother Bosch is playin' the piccolo just outside Fosse 19."

The Subaltern scrambled out of his wraps and, with incredible dispatch, gathered together the Davids of his section. "All guaranteed," so he boasted, "to hit the cocoanut every time."

Accoutred with their infernal machines, the little band of hope passed along the trench as silently as a party of Fenimore Cooper's North-American Indians.

"Yes, they're at home right enough," muttered the Subaltern, after a cramped interval of breathless attention, "and fairly asking for it."

He proceeded to make his dispositions with the skill and assurance of an old hand. He was nearly nineteen.

"We're going to stalk 'em this time," he whispered to the men; "you keep on crawling till I say 'Go!' Then drop it on them quick."

He slid over the parapet like an eel and disappeared into the night. In a few moments the sentry was alone in the trench. His state of mind was, from sheer excitement, almost insupportable.

After what seemed interminable hours, at last he heard the clear word of command, the clatter of things falling and the immediate roar of the explosions. In reply, rifle fire began to break out along the German first trenches, whilst, overhead, a star-shell burst into blossom; then the stutter of machine-guns joined in the chorus. The sentry flattened himself like a poultice against the side of the trench. Fosse 19 had, among other disadvantages, the reputation of being open to enfilading by machine-gun fire.

The disturbance died away as quickly as it had arisen, but there were no indications that the bombing party was returning. Private Blobbs danced with futile impatience and bent his head to the approved angle of the expert listener. Suddenly a heavy body took him in the nape of the neck.

"Ow!" he exclaimed, floundering in mud and water with an unseen and inconceivable presence. He clutched the nightmare of an ear and kicked violently.

"Look aht, Percy," enjoined a hollow but reassuring voice, "'ere comes another!"

Private Blobbs removed himself with remarkable agility.....

"Good!" exclaimed the Subaltern when he finally slid into the trench. "This expedition hasn't quite come up to expectations, but it's the nicest family of pigs I've seen for some time."

He flashed an electric torch on to the disordered carcasses.

"Corporal Leary," he added incisively, "will you kindly see that the officers' mess is served with fresh pork?"

He snapped out the torch and, complete master of the situation, started on the return journey to "Whortleberry Villa."

* * * * *

BRINGING THE WAR HOME TO US.

Household Orders.

By Mrs. EMMA PIPP, Commanding 3rd (Home Service) Battalion, The Fire Guards. February 21st, 1916.

_Detail_. Orderly Officer .... _Mary Ann_. Next for duty.... _Sarah Jane_. Charwoman of the day. . _Mrs. Susanna Sudds_.

_Parade._ 9.30 Shopping march under the Commanding Officer. Haversacks (for rations) will be carried.

_Inspection._ 12.0 O.C. Pantry will inspect all beetle-traps in her charge, and report if No. 13 (Kitchener pattern) has been found.

_Decrease Strength._ No. 4 Master T. Pipp, attached to Sea View House School, Boyton, for discipline.

_Promotion._ The Commanding Officer is pleased to approve of the following promotions:--Under-housemaid Mary Jane, to be Acting-Sergeant Housemaid; Miss Jones, Lady Nurse, to be Nursery Governess.

_Leave._ No. 1 Father Pipp granted six days' leave, inclusive of two days for travelling. Credit with six days' ration allowance at 1s. 9d. per diem.

_Baths._ Baths will be available for the nursery on Saturday evening from 6 to 7. O.C. Nursery will report that they have been taken.

_Signalling._ The Commanding Officer is pleased to announce that at the Fortnightly Course of Glad Eye Signalling, No. 2 Gertie Pipp gained a Flapper's Certificate.

_Enquiry._ A Court of Enquiry will assemble on the 25th inst. for the purpose of enquiring into the circumstances whereby the wheel of No. 3 Perambulator became buckled on the 12th inst.

O.C. Nursery will arrange for the presence of the necessary witnesses, with the exception of No. 9 Baby Pipp, now teething.

_General Inspection._ On the 1st prox., Uncle-General Towzer, L.S.D., will hold an inspection of nephews and nieces at 5 o'clock on the front parade lawn.

_Dress:_ Best bibs and tuckers, with smiles.

* * * * *

A Hint for Slackers.

"Drilling versus Broad-Casting Oats."

_Scotsman._

* * * * *

"The British Tropical Committee for War Films exhibited a further series of pictures of the British Army in France at the West-end Cinema House, Coventry-street, yesterday."

_The Times._

Very hot stuff, no doubt!

* * * * *

From a description of Sir SAMUEL EVANS' "_lit de justice_":--

"Sir Samuel first heard one summons in camera, and then took two months of a formal nature, the time occupied being less than half an hour."--_Morning Paper._

How time does fly when one's happy.

* * * * *

"WANTED, Rehearse March 20, Comedian and Chambermaid. Light Comedy (Refined Part, capable Good Drunken Scene)."

_The Stage._

This is what is meant, no doubt, when people talk of "elevating" the drama.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Tuesday, February 15th._--To the regret of all loyal citizens, the curtain rang up at Westminster to-day without the now customary Royal Overture. In the absence of HIS MAJESTY, the LORD CHANCELLOR delivered the brief Speech from the Throne, expressing the unalterable determination of the British people and their Allies to defeat the Power (name not given but possibly conjecturable) "which mistakes force for right and expediency for honour." To emphasise the unity of the nation the Address was moved by the Unionist Earl of CLARENDON and seconded by the Liberal Lord MUIR-MACKENZIE. It was agreed to in good time for dinner.

The Commons are not so economical of time. Mr. IAN MACPHERSON, who moved the Address, made quite a long speech. Like _Hamlet_, it was chiefly composed of quotations, but they were all quite apt, and as they ranged from THUCYDIDES to BURKE, with BOLINGBROKE's _Patriot King_ thrown in, they pleased the House, which likes these tributes to its erudition. The seconder, in khaki, was Col. F. S. JACKSON, a new Member, who, like the still-lamented ALFRED LYTTELTON, had made a reputation at Lord's ere ever he essayed the Commons. "Jacker" found the new wicket not quite to his liking at first, but afterwards scored freely. In congratulating the outgoing batsman the PRIME MINISTER discovered unexpected knowledge of cricket. "The Hon. Member," he said, "was making his maiden speech; but I doubt if he has ever encountered a maiden over--except, perhaps, when he was bowling."

In the regretted absence of the Leader of the Opposition, Mr. STUART-WORTLEY as Acting-CHAPLIN referred to the disintegration of parties under the stress of war. Now they had only groups, some designed to help the Government, some to "ginger" them. Mr. ASQUITH dwelt upon the growing unity of control among the Allies, which would counteract the advantage in this respect hitherto enjoyed by our foes; and noted the amazing growth of the once "contemptible little" British Army. He further reminded us that we had already incurred liabilities which it would take us a generation to wipe out; and it was the first duty of every patriotic citizen to practise rigid economy.

All very well, said, in effect, Mr. WARDLE, the new leader of the Labour Party; but, if the working classes are to save, the other classes must set them the example. All very well, said Sir MARK SYKES, but if we are going to win the war we must co-ordinate at home as well as abroad, and abandon the idea of "muddling through." With experience of G.H.Q. and four public departments, he asserted that the men were all right, but the system all wrong; and that the proper thing was to adopt SULTAN OMAR'S plan, and give the supreme control of the War to a Cabinet of not more than four members, who with no administrative details to distract them might be able to "teach the doubtful battle where to rage."

The PRIME MINISTER listened with interest but without enthusiasm to this suggestion. Probably he remembered that an essential part of OMAR's scheme was that if the Four failed to agree they were to be promptly hanged, and had himself no ambition to take part in a String Quartett.

_Wednesday, February 16th._--The Trustees of the British Museum are for the most part grave and reverend seniors. But they harbour at least one humourist among them, in Captain HARRY GRAHAM. I suspect him of having conceived the notion of choosing this moment, of all others, to frame a petition to the House of Commons praying for more money to enable them to fulfil their trust, and of getting Mr. LULU HARCOURT, himself a member of the Government which is closing their galleries, to present it.

Sir HENRY DALZIEL is the leader of one of the "ginger groups" above referred to. His first exploit in this capacity was to resist the proposal of the Government to take all the time of the House. In his demand that private Members should still be allowed the privilege of introducing Bills and having them printed at the public expense, he had the support of Mr. HOGGE, Mr. KING, Mr. PRINGLE, Mr. BOOTH, Sir WILLIAM BYLES, and other statesmen of similar eminence; but the PRIME MINISTER was obdurate. He accused the malcontents of lacking a sense of perspective--and expressed the poorest opinion of their efforts at legislation.

Some of the private Members got their own back when the first amendment to the Address was moved by Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS. The Member for Brentford, who knows the alphabet of aviation from Aeroplane to Zeppelin, complained that the air-service, like his own constituency in legendary times, was under Dual Control, and urged that it should be placed under a single competent chief.

Neither the UNDER-SECRETARY FOR WAR nor the FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY was at all happy in reply. They resembled a couple of flying pilots who, having gone up to attack a hostile airship in the dark, search in vain for an adequate landing-place. Heckled as to the exact status of Sir PERCY SCOTT, for example, Mr. TENNANT could only say that he "is still in the position he _was_ in." When Mr. ELLIS GRIFFITH ventured the remark that a personal knowledge of flying would be a useful qualification for officers advising the Government on this subject, Mr. BALFOUR was as painfully surprised as if he himself had been called upon to navigate a.t.b.d. in heavy weather.

In the absence of any definite sign of repentance the critics of the Government threatened a division, which would have been awkward and might have been disastrous. In similar circumstances Mr. GLADSTONE used to "send for the sledge-hammer"--meaning Mr. ASQUITH. The present PRIME MINISTER, when hard pressed, sends for BONAR. Thus summoned to ride the whirlwind the COLONIAL SECRETARY executed a graceful volplane. In a few frank sentences he admitted that the Government were very far from being satisfied with the Air Service, though it had achieved great things. Further, they were willing to give another day for its discussion when they had got through their financial business. With this confession and promise the critics were for the time being appeased.

_Thursday, February 17th._--This being the first day for which Questions could be put down, Members took full advantage of the opportunity, and propounded ninety-nine of them. Ministers displayed less enthusiasm, and some of them were so late in arriving that the SPEAKER had to dodge about all over the paper before the list was disposed of. Mr. GINNELL was, as usual, well to the fore with silly rumours. There is perhaps a subtle connection between cattle-driving and hunting for mare's nests.