Part 2

For he suddenly conceived a plan Of studying music at Milan, Where he sang in the style of the great god Pan.

I heard him sing in the Albert Hall In the chorus of MENDELSSOHN's _St. Paul_, And his voice was the loudest of them all.

Next he leased a Colorado mine, And dealt in Californian wine, And rented a ranche in the Argentine.

But whatever the job and whatever the pay I certainly never knew him to stay Anywhere as long as a year and a day--

Except one job, which is not yet done, Though twenty months ago begun, Of holding and hammering the Hun.

His horoscope I have never scanned, But as long as there's any fighting on hand The rolling stone has come to a stand.

* * * * *

Irreplaceable.

Evidence of a conscientious and candid objector:--

"I am sure the Rector could not get anyone to take my place, as Cowley is now empty, and there are no loafers about."

_Gloucester Citizen._

* * * * *

"The first cases to come before the tribunal were appeals from three Thirsk butchers, for the exemption of their respective slaughtermen. Mr. Johnson said he killed himself about 20 years ago. He thought he would start again."--_Darlington and Stockton Times._

Very difficult to repeat the first fine careless rapture of a successful suicide.

* * * * *

"No, while it is a crime to spend money extravagantly on dress, it is just as emphatically one to abstain from it altogether."

_Daily Chronicle._

If _The Daily Chronicle_ says so, we accept it. There is no paper for whose judgment we have a more profound regard.

* * * * *

MR. PUNCH'S POTTED FILMS. THE DRAMA OF STUDIO LIFE.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ROUND ABOUT THE RESTAURANTS.

The famous QUEX having relinquished the raree show of London--its lunches, its beauties, its theatres, its celebrities and its suppers--to take part in this boring and extremely inconvenient War, how proper that he should be succeeded by a younger _flaneur_! Behold then QUEX MINIMUS busy as a chronicler in your service.

* * * * *

Met Sir Loney Loon at the Fitz, where I had the greatest difficulty in finding a host. Succeeded, however, at last, but as he was an unknown person I do not mention him here. Sir Loney told me he was thinking of standing as Independent candidate when next there is a vacancy, being so utterly tired of the Coalition and all its incompetencies. Fancy, said he, after at least ten years of existence, aviation not being perfect! And the iniquity of any hitch whatever in any department after nearly two years of war! All I can say is I hope the famous magnate wins.

* * * * *

Heard Lord and Lady Provender eating their soup at the Barlton grill, where I had an excellent position behind the screen. His lordship looks older than he did in 1893, when he was in India. Her ladyship was wearing the famous Sheepshanks agates.

* * * * *

Talked to Dicky Post, the famous trainer, after Newmarket. He said it was most gratifying to see how finely racing men took the War. No one could visit the historic course and not realise what a wonderful country England was. To see the jockeys doing their bit on this mount and that, no matter how they might kick or plunge or buck, was a real tonic and indicated what stuff they were made of. He said that M. HUMBERT's recent article on the need for the Allies of France to be as much in earnest as she was, had a very favourable reception on the Heath.

* * * * *

Met, at Liro's, Harry Wagtail, who is the author of most of the best _bons mots_ of the day, although they go into circulation usually under other men's names. Paying the new income-tax, he said, will be like selling the gold in your teeth to discharge the dentist's bill.

* * * * *

Watched a famous millionaire at the Vasoy wondering whether he dare flout public opinion and the economy campaign by eating a plover's egg. Finally he got under the table to eat it unperceived, and was most surprised to find me there.

QUEX MINIMUS.

* * * * *

"MIGHT BE DUE TO PICTURES.

"Magistrate and three Leeds youths charged with warehouse-breaking,"

_Yorkshire Evening News._

We regret to see that the demoralizing influence of the cinema appears to have extended to the Bench.

* * * * *

"On arrival at the Hook there was nothing left whatever in the way of eatables, and even the greater part of those saved were still in their nightdresses."--_Scotsman._

_Pommes de terre en robe de chambre_, we presume.

* * * * *

"A MEMORY.--Thirty-nine years ago Miss Mary Rorke was playing with John Hare, now Sir John, in the famous old play, 'Old Men and New Acres.'"--_Daily Paper._

A treacherous memory.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Monday, April 10th._--Some sadness mingled with the cheers that greeted the moving of the writ for the Wimbledon Division. The House is pleased that Mr. HENRY CHAPLIN's long services to the State should have received the customary reward of a peerage, but it will miss his genial and majestic presence. Though an unfortunate accident in 1906 (a year prolific in electoral casualties) debarred him from becoming the titular Father of the House, his venerable appearance, his courtly and old-world bearing, and his full-bodied eloquence gave him an uncontested claim to be regarded as its Grandfather. Lord CLAUD HAMILTON, the only other survivor of the Parliament of 1868, will now feel very lonely.

The best things said at a public meeting are often uttered by an anonymous "Voice." Mr. WILL THORNE is the "Voice" of the House of Commons. Endowed with a fine pair of lungs and a style of delivery that resembles the cork coming out of a ginger-beer bottle he frequently expresses in his explosive style the collective opinion of his fellow-Members. At Question time Lord ROBERT CECIL referred to the abominable treatment of British prisoners of war at the Wittenberg camp, and said that steps were being taken to circulate in neutral countries the report of Mr. Justice YOUNGER's Committee. There was a sudden "Pop," and out came Mr. THORNE with "Send it to the conscientious objectors."

On the Second Reading of the Budget Mr. THOMAS O'CONNOR, as the SPEAKER punctiliously calls him, led off with a vigorous attack upon the match-tax. The discovery, made many years ago, that match-making as then conducted caused a painful disease of the jaw first aroused T.P.'s sympathetic interest. He now displayed an intimate acquaintance with the details of the industry and discoursed learnedly on the shortage of muriate of potash for the heads and of aspen for the splints. His argument briefly amounted to this--that the manufacturers of matches, like those of mustard, depended for their profits upon the amount wasted, and that to check public extravagance would destroy the trade.

The aspens on the Treasury Bench did not quiver visibly under this assault. They were more amenable to the criticisms on the railway-tax, which would fall very hardly upon commercial travellers and other business people. Mr. MCKENNA promised to give careful consideration to the criticisms before the Committee stage. Possibly it has occurred to him that as the Government have undertaken to bring the net receipts of the railway companies up to the 1914 level the Exchequer might have to pay out of one pocket nearly as much as it puts into the other.

_Tuesday, April 11th._--One of the French Deputies visiting Westminster thinks us a queer people. He had heard last night the PRIME MINISTER's stout declaration of the Allies' resolve to bring Prussia's military domination to an end. Again this afternoon he had been told on the same high authority that the late Conference in Paris had reaffirmed the entire solidarity of the Allies and established the complete identity of their views. Then he had walked across the corridor to the House of Lords, expecting, no doubt, to hear the same sentiments expressed in even loftier language. Instead, he had to listen to Lord COURTNEY, in the traditional yellow waistcoat, declaiming with all the vigour of his _premiere jaunesse_ against the notion that we should enter into any fiscal relations with our Allies that might imperil the sacred principles of Free Trade.

Lord COURTNEY believes that there is in Germany a large and powerful peace-party, which must not be frightened by any threats of reprisals, and he commends to the Allies in 1916 the example of BISMARCK in letting the Austrians off easily in 1866. Our visitor was a little relieved by the explanation that the orator was an interesting survival of a school of thought now passed away, and represented no one but himself. But he was again puzzled when Lord BRYCE, who knows as much about the manners of the gentle Hun as anybody (witness his report on the atrocities in Belgium), joined in the appeal that we should be nice to Germany after the War.

He was, however, somewhat comforted when Lord CREWE made it plain that the Government did not share Lord COURTNEY's illusions about the strength of the German peace-party, and, having regard to the manner in which Germany had in the past combined commercial expansion with political intrigue, could not hold out hopes that after the War we should do business with her in the same old easy-going way. But if our French friend is still not quite convinced that British statesmen fully realize what the War means to him and his country I don't I think we can altogether blame him.

In the Commons Mr. PEMBERTON BILLING developed his usual Tuesday "hate." But on this occasion there was no reply from the Government heavy batteries; little Mr. REA explaining that as the Hon. Member had failed to warn them of his intention to bombard they had no ammunition ready.

_Wednesday, April 12th._--Although, like another noble Earl, Lord SELBORNE is "not an agricultural labourer," he does his best to play the part, and save our food-producers from the maw of the hungry recruiting officer. A representative of the Board of Agriculture now holds a watching brief at every local Tribunal, to see that the Military representative does not have things too much his own way. No wonder that the taxes mount up faster than the recruiting returns.

Time was when Mr. SWIFT MACNEILL successfully dissembled his affection for the House of Lords. To-day his principal object in life is to purge the roll of that illustrious House of the peerages now held by the enemy Dukes of CUMBERLAND and ALBANY. The PRIME MINISTER was strangely unsympathetic. Legislation would be necessary, and would occupy too much time. "Three minutes," suggested Sir ARTHUR MARKHAM; but Mr. ASQUITH was still obdurate, and seemed to think that as the Dukes in question had lost their Garters they were sufficiently down-at-heel already.

When packing his Budget a wise CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER always includes some little tit-bit that he can throw to the wolves if they become too insistent. In the present case the tax on railway tickets was marked for abandonment at the outset, and to-day it met its expected fate.

The Amusements tax was strenuously opposed by Mr. BARNES, on the ground that most of the money would come from the poor; but Mr. MCKENNA frankly replied that that was just what he intended. He agreed, however, to consider the claim of the Zoo to exemption. The match-makers were partially appeased by a promise that mechanical lighters should not be overlooked. The CHANCELLOR is now in some doubt as to whether he or AESCHYLUS has produced the more notable version of "Prometheus Bound."

_Thursday, April 13th._--A provincial paper lately referred to Mr. MCKENNA as the "Cancellor"--a humorous compositor's way, no doubt, of indicating the modifications in the Budget. Hardly one of the proposed new taxes has survived intact. Even the tax on mineral waters has had to undergo considerable alteration. It was devised to get some contribution towards the nation's needs from those who wear the blue ribbon of a beerless life, and to that end the tax was to be collected by means of a stamp on each individual bottle. But the manufacturers successfully protested that the boys and girls who affix the labels already adorning these gaseous wares could not be trusted to put on stamps as well. Mr. MONTAGU announced this afternoon that the manufacturers would be taxed direct on their certified output. But he did so with obvious reluctance, and as if what was once a sparkling proposition had become indubitably flat and possibly unprofitable.

* * * * *

Our Stylists.

"Now and again a mirthless laugh rose silently to the red banks of her lips."

_Grand Magazine._

* * * * *

Signature to a legal notice:--

"MONTGOMERYSHIRE HORSE REPOSITORY, E.C., Solicitors for the said Administratrix."

_Manchester Guardian._

If "the law is a hass" you are tempted to say, These equine attorneys will answer, "Neigh, neigh."

* * * * *

Fashions for Female Humourists.

"Blouses of the useful variety have jokes in various designs, the sleeves cut in one with the joke are generally a modification."

_Provincial Paper._

Our more subtle contributors prefer the latter kind, enabling them to laugh up their sleeve.

* * * * *

A NIGHT OUT WITH A ZEPPELIN.

By Karl von Weekend

(HYPHENATED NEUTRAL).

PART I.

_Somewhere in Germany,_ _April 1st, 1916._

I had just partaken of the frugal breakfast to which I had been invited General Headquarters and was in the act of helping my distinguished host, Feldmarschall von und zu Grosskopf-Esel, to remove some fragments of sauerkraut from his ears, when a superbly-mounted orderly dashed up and handed me a missive bearing the significant superscription, "General Staff." I must confess that to me the messenger's manner seemed sufficiently deferential. Not to my friend the Major-General, who, with a sudden and well-placed kick in the stomach, sent the unfortunate despatch-bearer hurtling down the steps. It was not for me to inquire what the trouble was, and I mention the incident as one more illustration of the iron discipline that has driven the gallant troops of the Fatherland to victory on all fronts.

Imagine my gratification on finding that the letter was an invitation to inspect on the following morning the latest Zeppelin sheds at ---- and to be a passenger on board one of the new airships that was scheduled to pay a surprise visit to the fortress of London that same evening, weather permitting.

Punctually at seven on the following morning I found von und zu Grosskopf-Esel waiting for me in the huge twenty-cylinder roadster which the General Staff customarily places at the disposal of American newspaper correspondents. Within the hour we were at ----, where I was turned over to the good offices of Herr Ober-Leutnant von Dachswurst, of the Imperial Flying Corps, who immediately conducted me to the shed from which (when the weather is propitious) the aerial monsters depart upon their errands of doom.

I had expected to see two, or at most three, Zeppelins in the great shed. Imagine my astonishment on beholding no fewer than a hundred huge engines of destruction tugging impatiently at their moorings. I was speechless. But the Ober-Leutnant read my thoughts. "What would you say," he asked, smiling drily, "if I were to tell you that Germany to-day possesses no fewer than one hundred such fleets of airships as you see before you?" So overcome was I that I scarcely had the strength to ask him why, up to that time, attacks had been usually carried out with two or three ships only. He smiled still more at enigmatically. "You must not ask me that," he said, "or at least you must first ask the Grand Admiral why his five hundred submersible battle cruisers are still at anchor in Kiel Harbour, or the General Staff why five million of Germany's finest veteran troops are still doing the goose-step in the Potsdam Thiergarten, or Herr HELFFERICH why the rate of exchange has not been corrected by releasing some small portion of the ten thousand billion marks that lie in the Imperial treasury at Spandau! Be patient," he added. "Our perfidious enemies will bite the dust whenever it suits our glorious leaders to say the word."

I muttered something about the enormous German casualty lists. The Ober-Leutnant smiled more enigmatically than ever. "A ruse to deceive our enemies," he said. "Would it surprise you to know that up to date the total German losses on all fronts amount to seventeen killed and ninety-one wounded and missing, while our material losses have so far been confined to three field guns left over from the Franco-German War and five dozen cases of collapsible sausage rolls?"

It was incredible, yet I could not but accept the statement as true, and have in fact had ample opportunity since of verifying the assertions of the gallant officer.

"But come," he said; "it is time we were on board."

The Zeppelins that were actually selected to conduct the proposed operations were housed in another shed, and thither we repaired. We were greeted at the gangway by the famous Captain Sigismund von Muenchhausen, a gruff but hearty old mariner, who immediately escorted me into his cabin and insisted on my enjoying a cigar and a glass of schnapps with him. Once again I was struck with that almost Oriental charm of manner which seems to lift the German Higher Command above the plane occupied by the rest of the Occidental world.

It was no doubt my impatience that caused me to interrupt the gallant Captain's delightful flow of racy anecdote to ask when we should start. My host smiled enigmatically. "By now," he said, "we should be somewhere over the Dogger Bank."

It was true. So perfectly had all things been appointed that while I had been consuming a single glass of schnapps the huge airship had completed half the journey.

We now emerged from the cabin. As we approached the rail a sailor stepped up to the Captain, saluted and asked permission to speak. As far as I could gather, the wretched man complained of seasickness and asked to be put ashore. There was no mistaking the Captain's answer. "Ja wohl!" he roared, and with a mighty kick sent the luckless seaman hurtling over the rail and into the abyss below. A momentary sense of pity seized me, but it quickly occurred to me that only by such drastic means could be kept alive the splendid spirit of chivalry that has made the German airman victorious throughout the firmament.

It was now quite dark, but far beneath us could be seen with the aid of a telescope little points of light. Perfidious England, the author of all Germany's troubles, lay helpless beneath us.

(_To be continued._)

* * * * *

* * * * *

TO CHARLOTTE BRONTE.

STRANGE that the most _farouche_ of all the ladies Rightly renowned as drivers of the quill, Who hated all publicity like Hades, And showed in self-advancement little skill, Who did not write for Smiths and Browns and Bradys, But at the prompting of her own sweet will-- Her most obsequious partisans should find In penmen of the parasitic kind.

In vain did Mrs. GASKELL, wise and gracious, Paint us your portrait, delicate yet true; Sensation-mongers, strident and voracious, Must needs explore your inner life anew, Clutching with fingers ruthlessly tenacious At the remotest semblance of a clue; Raking the dustbins for unprinted matter, And prodigal of cheap and tasteless chatter.

And now in days of endless storms and stresses Comes your Centenary, with odes and lays, And lantern slides and lectures and addresses, And all the modern ritual of praise; With columns in _The Sphere_ of C. K. S.'s Comments upon your life and work and ways, Judicial summings-up of old disputes And photographs of PATRICK BRONTE's boots.

And men and maids will doubtless march with banners To prove their worship of your "massive brain"; And intellectual Chicago "canners" Will send their relics from across the main; And critics will discuss your various manners, And HAROLD BEGBIE will pronounce you "sane"; In short, you'll be the bookman's prey and quarry At many a high-class literary "swarry."

Well, well, brave CHARLOTTE, though our admiration Prompts some of us your memory to revere In ways less vocal in their adulation, You will not hold our homage less sincere If we refrain from pouring a libation In orthodox Centenary small-beer, But choose to greet in silent awe and wonder The stormy spirit of the child of Thunder.

* * * * *

Commercial Candour.

"Messrs. ---- & Co., Ltd., Court Dress-fakers, &c."

_Provincial Paper._

* * * * *

"OUR YOUNGEST GENERAL.

"He was educated at Glasgow University and Gottingen University, and entered the army in 1716."--_Bangalore Daily Post._

Our Indian contemporary is misinformed. Several of our Generals are younger than that.

* * * * *

AN UNRECORDED ENGAGEMENT.