Chapter 2

"I have spoken of the good there is in grooves, in the groovy way of life ... Who can be blind to the fact that life in a groove leads to bigotry and nar-grooves, in the groovy way of life?"

"_Claudius Clear_" in "_The British Weekly._"

Not we. We have never been blind to anything of the sort.

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"Little Lady, during all these months thoughts entirely with you, treasuring up unbleaching memory of happy hours spent together."--_Advertisement in "The Times._"

Presumably in the wash-house. Unless some confusion arose, in the mind of the advertiser, between dying and bleaching.

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ECONOMY IN DRESS: THE NEW SMARTNESS.

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MATCH PLAY.

Since the Budget was produced the match-mendicant is at work more industriously than ever, patting his pockets and looking round expectantly at his fellow-travellers. The surreptitious filling of private boxes in restaurants and club smoke-rooms is rapidly on the increase. Yet if men would only meet the proposed match-tax calmly and thoughtfully they might still remain honest and independent.

There are too many three-match men. Just as the tennis-player sends down the first ball into the net with a fine abandon, and is more careful with the second, so the three-match man strikes his first match without arresting his progress along the street, only slows down a little with the second, and not until the third is in his fingers does he look about for a doorway.

If deep doorways and public telephone boxes were put to better use by the smokers of England much waste of matches would be avoided.

And why do not men buy their matches in a businesslike way? Every man should ask to see them before making a purchase. He should compare the brands, take note of the length and thickness of the sticks, examine the size and quality of the heads, test the durability of the sides of the boxes, compare the numbers in the various boxes, test the breaking strain of the matches and the strength of the flares when struck, and time with a stop-watch the burning of a certain length of match.

Many matches are ruined and wasted by harsh treatment. Strong men are apt to use their strength like giants in striking their matches, with the result that the matches break, or their heads are pulled off, or the side of the box is irreparably injured. Remember that the striking of a match is more of a wrist movement than an arm movement. The man who strikes a match straight from the shoulder deserves to lose it; and the average match is not made to be struck even from the elbow. Many a man, puzzled at his lack of success in striking matches, will find the secret of his failure in too vigorous a use of the forearm. The best plan--one that is adopted by our leading actors and other experts--is to stand firmly with the feet about fourteen inches apart, hold the box between the thumb and fingers of the left hand (be careful to avoid the unsightly method, which some strikers adopt, of holding it in the palm), take the match about one inch and an eighth from the head with the thumb and forefinger of the right hand, bend back the right wrist until the head of the match is two and a half inches from the end of the box, and with a swift but not too sudden wrist-movement away from you rub the head of the match against the side of the box. A little careful practice will soon get one into the way of judging the distance accurately, so that, on the one hand, the box is not missed, and, on the other hand, the head of the match is not too severely strafed.

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"Five Zeppelins were seen off the East Coast between nine and ten last night. They appeared to be rather larger machines than those visiting the coast on previous occasions. Measures were taken." _Western Evening Herald._

We always use a simple foot-rule for this purpose.

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"Forty Thousand American inhabitants at Erzram were massacred by the Turks."

_Zululand Times._

More trouble for President WILSON.

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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Tuesday, April 4th._--When introducing a Budget designed to raise a revenue of seventy or eighty millions, Mr. GLADSTONE was wont to speak for four or five hours. Mr. McKENNA, confronted with the task of raising over five hundred millions, polished off the job in exactly seventy-five minutes. Mr. GLADSTONE used to consider it necessary to prepare the way for each new impost by an elaborate argument. That was all very well in peace-time. But we are at war, when more than ever time is money, and so Mr. McKENNA was content to rely upon the imperative formula of the gentlemen of the road, "Stand and deliver."

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For a moment, it is true, he reverted to the old traditions of Budget-night. After observing that there was no parallel in history to the willingness to be taxed which had been displayed by the British people, he declared that it would be a mistake to drive this spirit of public sacrifice too hard. The difficulty which many people had in maintaining a standard of life suitable to their condition was described in such moving terms as to convince some of Mr. McKENNA's more ingenuous hearers that the income-tax was not going to be raised after all.

They were quickly disillusionised. The rich will have to contribute (with super-tax) close on half their incomes; the comparatively well-to-do a fourth; even the class to whose special hardships the CHANCELLOR had just made such pathetic allusion will have to pay an additional sixpence in the pound. If in the circumstances some of them feel inclined to echo _Sir Peter Teazle_'s remark to _Joseph_, "Oh, damn your sentiment," I think they may be excused.

That, however, was Mr. McKENNA's only lapse. The rest of his speech was ruthlessly and refreshingly practical. The millions were ticked off as rapidly, and almost as mechanically, as the two-pences in the other taxis. Five millions from cinemas, horse-races, and other amusements, three from railway tickets, seven from sugar, two from mineral waters, another two from coffee and cocoa (even the great Liberal drink cannot escape under a Cocoalition), and nearly a million from motor vehicles.

Forty-five years ago Mr. LOWE proposed to extract "_ex luce lucellum_" by putting a tax of a half-penny a box upon matches, and was duly punished for his pun. When the matchmakers of the East-end (quite as dangerous in their way as those of the West-end) marched in procession to the House of Commons, the Government bowed before the storm. Undeterred by their fate, Mr. McKENNA now proposes to put a tax of 4_d._ on every thousand matches, and expects to get two millions out of it. But it must not be forgotten that there are substitutes for matches; and I should not be surprised if Mr. McKENNA himself has to put up with a spill.

Not much criticism was however to be heard to-night, though Mr. WILLIAM O'BRIEN gave it as his opinion that Ireland ought to be omitted from the Budget altogether. With him was Mr. TIMOTHY HEALY, whose principal complaint was that the tax on railway tickets would put a premium on foreign travel. People would go to Paris instead of Dublin, and Switzerland instead of Killarney. Here somebody tactlessly reminded him that a war was going on in Europe, and shunted him on to a less picturesque line of argument.

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_Wednesday, April 5th._--Congratulations are due to the Earl of MEATH on a long-delayed triumph. For fifteen years he has been trying to convince the British Government that there is an institution called Empire Day. Throughout the Dominions, May 24th, QUEEN VICTORIA's birthday, is kept as a public holiday, and even in the Old Country, despite official discouragement, the Union Jack is hoisted on thousands of schools and saluted by millions of children. To the suggestion that the public offices should be similarly adorned the Government, under the erroneous belief that patriotism and militarism were identical, has hitherto maintained an unflagging opposition. But to-day Lord CREWE admitted that the proposal was reasonable.

Sir GEORGE REID has made the surprising discovery that there are a number of excellent speakers in the House of Commons who do not speak, but concentrate themselves upon the despatch of business. Perhaps this was his genial way of indicating the more obvious fact that there are others of a precisely opposite kind. He himself is an excellent speaker who speaks; but concentration is perhaps hardly his strongest point, and he wandered to-day over so many fields that the CHAIRMAN had more than once, with obvious regret, to recall him to the strict path of the Finance Bill, which ultimately passed its first reading, amid cheers that it would have done the KAISER good to hear.

Mr. PEMBERTON-BILLING, having been prevented by the Budget from making his usual Tuesday speech, delivered it to-day, and had a success which was, I trust, as gratifying to him as it was surprising to the House.

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At the close of his now customary catalogue of the defects he has discovered in our air-service, he offered personally to organize raids upon the enemy's aircraft headquarters, and ventured to believe that he could bag as many Zeppelins in a day as the Government could bring down in a year by their present methods of misplaced guns and misplaced confidence.

Mr. TENNANT did not think our confidence was misplaced. But he would certainly accept Mr. BILLING's offer, and would confer with him as to how to make the best use of his services. It seems probable, therefore, that for some little time the House will have to do without its weekly lecture from the Member for East Herts. Under the shadow of this impending bereavement Mr. TENNANT is bearing up as well as can be expected.

_Thursday, April 6th._--Everyone was delighted to see the PRIME MINISTER back in his place to-day after his three weeks' absence. Members on both sides cheered loudly and long as he entered the House. They also displayed a gratifying curiosity regarding his views on various subjects, and to that end had put down no fewer than thirty-two questions for his consideration. The amount of information they received was hardly commensurate with the industry displayed in framing them. Mr. ASQUITH made, however, one announcement of great moment. The Government are now considering how many recruits they have got, and how many they still want. They will then announce their decision as to the method to be adopted for obtaining more, and will give a day for its discussion. This is to be done before Easter. Asked how long the House would adjourn for, Mr. ASQUITH replied, with obvious sincerity, "I hope for some time."

The great crisis of which we have heard so much in the newspapers is thus postponed. But a little crisis, not altogether unconnected with the other, had still to be resolved. The Government had a motion down to stop the payment of double salaries to Members on service, and to this Sir FREDERICK BANBURY had tabled an amendment providing that Parliamentary salaries should be dropped altogether. Mr. DUKE and other Unionists subsequently put down another amendment, designed to stop the discussion of the larger question on the ground that it was a breach of the party truce.

The SPEAKER however decided that Sir FREDERICK was entitled to first cut at the Banbury cake. He made, as I thought, a very fair and not unduly partisan use of his opportunity, arguing that the conditions of Parliamentary life had changed since the War, and that as Members were no longer called upon to work hard they should save the country a quarter-of-a-million by dropping their salaries.

No one, I think, was prepared for the tremendous blast of invective which came from Mr. DUKE. In language which seemed to cause some trepidation even to the Ministers he was supporting he denounced his right hon. friend for introducing "this stale and stinking bone of contention," and plainly hinted that it was part of a plot to get rid of the PRIME MINISTER. If that eminent temperance advocate, Sir THOMAS WHITTAKER, had not poured water into Mr. DUKE's wine, and emptied the House in the process, there might have been a painful scene.

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AT THE PLAY.

"DISRAELI."

Our early-Victorian oligarchs disdained their DISRAELI as a mountebank because he wore the wrong waistcoats and had genius instead of common-sense. If he had grown to be the least like Mr. LOUIS NAPOLEON PARKER'S _Disraeli_, if he had taken to standing over Governors of the Bank of England and forcing them to sign documents under threat of smashing up their silly old bank, if he had been such a judge of men as to have made that prize ass, _Lord Deeford_, his secretary, or conducted his _menage_ at Downing Street in the highly diverting manner exhibited in Mr. PARKER's second Act, one trembles to think what they would have called him--and done to him. And whether, if the Bank had ever had such a Governor as _Sir Michael Probert_, England would have ever been in a position to buy a single share in the Suez Canal or any other venture, is a question for the curious to consider.

No wonder the Americans enjoyed _Disraeli_! REINHARDT should pirate it for Berlin, as it would lend some colour to the imaginative Dr. HELLFERICH's airy dissertations on English finance. Can it be that our author is a hyphenated patriot in disguise and that this is merely a ramification of the so thorough German Press Bureau's activities? Perish the thought!

At the opening of the play, with _Mr. Disraeli_ and his wife as guests at Glastonbury Towers, all went well. The almost uncanny lifelikeness of Mr. DENNIS EADIE's make-up, the steady flow of the great man's good things, which had been discerningly culled and quite skilfully put together, his swift parries and kindly thrusts, his charming tenderness towards that best of wives, the shining heroine of the crushed thumb, all this was admirable, was eminently believable--that is if you except the exaggerated futility and insolence of the aristocratic background. It was when the adventuress got going; when casements began to be mysteriously unlocked by fair hands, and pretty ears applied to key-holes at vital moments of quite improbable disclosures to more than improbable young men; when important despatches and secret codes began to be left about in conspicuous places, in rooms conveniently vacated for notoriously suspect plotters; when the Prime Minister began to bounce and prance and to lay booby traps, into which not his enemies but his incomparable secretary promptly blundered--it was then that things went crooked.

It is perhaps not to be regretted. Nothing is more diverting to the perceptive playgoer than these little dramatic-simplicities; as when, the great Suez deal having been completed--a fact that it was enormously important to conceal from the Press and the country (and the adventuress)--a telegram with full details in the plainest of plain English is despatched from the local post-office to the great financier who had made the deal possible. The charming _naïveté_ of the family gathering at the Foreign Office (it might have been Mme. TUSSAUD's) and the adorable ingenuousness of the idea of bringing down a great international financier by holding up his cargo of bullion in a foreign port, should lead no one to complain that high politics are dull.

I wouldn't have missed Mr. DENNIS EADIE's _Disraeli_ for a good deal. Where it was at all possible--which it was in general; Mr. PARKER only sprinkled his extravagances--the ease and plausibility of it were quite admirable. This adroit player gave us the tact, the wit, the gallantry, the generosity, the romantic exuberance. It was a fine performance, and it will be finer as its firm outline is filled in. The play, for all its vagaries, may even serve to remind a careless age of its too lightly forgotten spacious dead. Miss MARY JERROLD'S _Lady Beaconsfield_ was, I suppose, more in the nature of an imaginary portrait. It was beautiful and convincing. As a stage adventuress MME. DORZIAT was most attractive, if only she had been credible. She had no business to be in any of the situations in which she found herself, and must have needed all her skill to conceal the fact from herself. Miss MARY GLYNNE as _The Lady Clarissa_, the portentous _Duchess of Glastonbury's_ pretty daughter and the doomed bride of the egregious _Deeford_, was quite charming to watch and hear. Mr. CYRIL RAYMOND should, I am sure, mitigate the asinine priggishness of the young viscount's bearing in the First Act. His conversion from this to the merely crass stupidity of the second was too much for us to bear. Mr. VINCENT STERNROYD as Mr. _Hugh Meyers_ looked quite as if he might have been able to put his hand on two million; Mr. HARBEN as _Sir Michael Probert_ just as if he would sign any document which was put before him under threat or suggestion. Mr. CAMPBELL GULLAN, as the adventuress's husband, made himself the kind of clerk that no one would have trusted for a moment with even the petty cash. These things I know are necessary and I acquit him of any artistic impropriety. But you will go to see this piece chiefly for the sake of Mr. EADIE's _tour de force_, for the thrill of the rather pleasant sensation (mingled with a slightly horrified suspicion of sacrilege) of seeing a queer resurrection, and for the fragrance of a touching little idyll of married friendship--one of the most enduring of _Disraeliana_.

T.

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A Special Matinée, at which the Queen will be present, is to be given at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, at 2.30, on Friday, April 14th, in aid of of the Y. W. C. A.'s fund for providing Hostels, Canteens and Rest Rooms for women engaged in munition and other war-work. Among the artists who have promised to appear are Madame SARAH BERNHARDT, Miss GLADYS COOPER, Mr. JOSEPH COYNE, Mr. GERALD DU MAURIER, Mr. DENNIS EADIE, Miss LILY ELSIE, Madame GENÉE, Mr. ROBERT HALE, Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY, Madame KIRKBY LUNN, Mr. GEORGE ROBEY and Miss IRENE VANBRUGH. The Matinée has been organised by Miss OLGA NETHERSOLE, and the stage will be under the direction of Mr. DION BOUCICAULT.

Applications for seats should be addressed to the Manager, Box Office, Theatre Royal, Drury Lane. Cheques to be made payable to Lady SYDENHAM.

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THEATRICAL ECONOMY.

We learn that at a recent matinée performance of a play by Mr. W. B. YEATS, "instead of scenery a Chorus of singers was introduced, who described the scene as well as commenting upon the action." In these times that call for frugality other managements would do well to copy. One might mount an entire West-End Society comedy, and bring as it were the scent of Hay Hill across the footlights, at no greater expense than the cost of a back-curtain and a Chorus. The latter might go something as follows:--

This is the morning-room of the heroine's house in Half Moon Street; Noble and large is the room, with three windows, two doors and a fireplace (Goodness knows how many more in the wall through which we are looking). Nobly and well is it furnished, with chairs and with tables and couches, Couches beyond computation, and all of them soon to be sat on; So may you see that the play will be dialogue rather than action. Pleasant and fresh in the footlights the chintzes with which they are covered, Giving a summer effect, helped out by the plants in the fireplace. Curtains at each of the windows are flooded with limelight of amber, Whence you may learn that the time is a fine afternoon in the season. Centre of back a piano, whose makers are told on the programme, Promises snatches of song, or it may be a heartbroken solo. Carpets and rugs and the like you can fill in without any prompting; Pictures and china and books, and photographs circled in silver. Yes, you may take it from us that the piece has been mounted regardless.

[_Enter the leading lady. She just pushes the back-curtains apart and emerges on to the stage, dressed in any old thing (what a saving!). The Chorus continues ecstatically._]

See where the heroine comes, flinging open the door from the staircase (Marked you the head of the stairs and the artist-proof on the landing? That's what I call realistic). She's threaded her way through the couches, Sinks upon one for an instant, then rises and walks to the window, Showing the back of her gown to be fully as chic as the front part. So to the door (in the curtain) and slams it with signs of emotion, Slams it so hard and so fierce that the walls of the room are a-quiver; Even the opposite side of the roadway, as seen through the windows, Shares in the general movement, as though it were struck by an earthquake.

And so on. You catch the idea? Bare boards, a passion and a Chorus; and the management would save enough to make the amusement-tax a matter of indifference.

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NURSERY RHYMES OF LONDON TOWN.

V.--SWISS COTTAGE.

I heard a Jodeller In a Swiss cottage Eating a crust And a bowlful of pottage.

He jodelled and jodelled 'Twixt every bite; He jodelled until Not a crumb was in sight.

He jodelled and jodelled 'Twixt every sup; He jodelled until He had drunk it all up.

He put down his bowl And he came to the door, And jodelled and jodelled And jodelled for more!

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"The exportation of the following goods is prohibited to all destinations:--