Part 2

[A number of curious facts about the British Army, lately gathered from German sources, may be supplemented by some further information of interest bearing on our Fleet.]

The facts may be obscured for purposes of recruiting, but it remains true that British seamen are no better than serfs. Their officers have the most complete proprietorship in their persons and can do with them what they like, as in the case of the English captain who had a favourite shark, which followed his ship, and to which he threw an A.B. each morning. That their slavery is acknowledged by the men is shown by their custom of referring to the Captain as "The Owner."

* * * * *

The savagery of the British Navy has passed into a by-word, and the bluejackets popularly go by the name of Jack Tartars.

* * * * *

It is all very well for America to protest her neutrality to Berlin, but how can we ignore the fact that President WILSON actually has a seat on the board of the British Admiralty--where he is known as "Tug" WILSON. He is even the author of a work aimed deliberately at us, and entitled _Der Tug_.

* * * * *

The superstitions of ignorant British seamen, notably the Horse Marines, whose credulity has no parallel, is extra-ordinary. Mascots are carried on all ships. For instance, no ship's carpenter will ever go to sea without a walrus.

* * * * *

SELECT CONVERSATIONS.

(_At about three o'clock in the morning._)

AT THE WAR OFFICE.

_Myself._ I want to see Lord KITCHENER, please.

_Policeman._ Quite impossible, Sir.

_Myself_ (_coldly handing card_). I don't think you realise who I am.

_Policeman_ (_much impressed_). This way, Sir.

[_I ascend the secret staircase, pat the bloodhounds chained outside the sanctum, and enter._

_Kitchener_ (_sternly_). Good morning; what can I do for you?

_Myself_ (_simply_). I have come to offer my services to the War Office.

_Kitchener._ Have you had any previous military experience?

_Myself._ None at all, Sir.

_Kitchener_ (_warmly_). Excellent. The very man we want. You will bring an absolutely fresh and unbiassed mind to the problem before us. Sit down. (_I sit down._) You have a plan for defeating the Germans? Quite so. Now--er--roughly, what would your idea be?

_Myself_ (_waving arm_). Roughly, Sir, a broad sweeping movement.

_Kitchener_ (_replacing ink-pot and getting to work with the blotting-paper_). Excellent.

_Myself._ The details I should work out later. I think perhaps I had better explain them personally to Sir JOHN FRENCH and General JOFFRE.

_Kitchener._ I agree. You will be attached to Sir JOHN'S Staff, with the rank of Major. I shall require you to leave for the Front to-night. Good day, Major.

[_We salute each other, and the scene changes._

AT GENERAL HEADQUARTERS.

_French._ Ah, how do you do, Major? We have been waiting for you.

_Myself._ How do you do, Sir? (_To_ JOFFRE, _slowly_) _Comment vous portéz-vous?_

_Joffre._ Thank you; I speak English.

_Myself_ (_a little disappointed_). Good.

_French._ Now then, Major, let us hear your plan.

_Myself._ Well, roughly it is a broad sweeping move----I _beg_ your pardon, Sir!

_Joffre_ (_with native politeness_). Not at all, Monsieur.

_Myself_ (_stepping back so as to have more room_)--a broad sweeping movement. More particularly my idea is----

[It is a curious thing, but I can never remember the rest of this speech when I wake up. I know it disclosed a very masterly piece of tactics ... the region of the Argonne ... a _point d'appui_.... No, it has gone again. But I fancy the word "wedge" came in somewhere.]

_French._ Marvellous!

_Joffre._ _Magnifique!_

_Myself_ (_modestly_). Of course it's only an idea I jotted down on the boat, but I think there's something in it.

_French._ My dear Major, you have saved Europe.

_Joffre_ (_unpinning medal from his coat_). In the name of France I give you this. But you have a medal already, Monsieur?

_Myself_ (_proudly_). My special constable's badge, General. I shall be proud to see the other alongside it.

_The scene fades._

[I can only suppose that at this moment I am moved by the desire to save useless bloodshed, for I next find myself with the enemy.]

AT POTSDAM.

_Kaiser_ (_eagerly_). Ah, my good TIRPITZ, what news of our blockade?

_Myself_ (_removing whiskers_). No, WILLIAM, not TIRPITZ!

_Kaiser._ An Englishman!

_Myself._ An Englishman--and come to beg you to give up the struggle.

_Kaiser._ Never, while there is breath in man or horse!

_Myself._ One moment. Let me tell you what is about to happen. On my advice the Allies are making a broad swee---- Put back your sword, Sire. I am not going to strike you--a broad sweeping movement through Germany.

_Kaiser_ (_going pale_). We are undone. It is the end of all. And this was _your_ idea?

_Myself._ My own, your Majesty.

_Kaiser_ (_eagerly_). Would an Iron Cross and a Barony tempt you to join us? Only a brain like yours could defeat such a movement.

_Myself_ (_with dignity_). As a Major and a gentleman----

_Kaiser._ Enough. I feared it was useless. _(Gloomily)_ We surrender.

_The scene closes._

[The final scene is not so clear in my memory that I can place it with confidence upon paper. But the idea of it is this.]

AT ---- PALACE.

_A Certain Person._ Your country can never sufficiently reward you, Major, but we must do what we can. I confer on you the V.C., the D.S.O., the M.V.O., the P.T.O. and the P. and O. The payment of a special grant of £5,000 a year for life will be proposed in the House to-morrow.

_Myself._ Thank you, Sir. As for the grant, I shall value it more for the spirit which prompted it than for its actual---- Did you say _five_ thousand, Sir?

[At this point I realise with horror that I have only a very short vest on, and with a great effort I wake.... The papers seem very dull at breakfast.]

A. A. M.

* * * * *

THE SOLDIER'S ENGLAND.

My England was a draper's shop, And seemed to be the place to fit My size of man; and I'd to stop And make believe I fancied it-- That and a yearly glimpse of mountain blue, A book or two.

A bigger England stirs afloat. I see it well in one who's come From where he left his home and boat By Cornish coasts, whose rollers drum Their English music on an English shore Right at his door.

And one who's left the North a spell Has found an England he can love, Hacking out coal. He's learnt her well Though mines are narrow and, above, The dingy houses set in dreary rows, Seem all he knows.

The one of us who's travelled most Says England, stretching far beyond Her narrow borders, means a host Of countries where her word's her bond Because she's steadfast, everywhere the same, To play the game.

Our college chum (my mate these days) Thinks England is a garden where There blooms in English speech and ways, Nurtured in faith and thought we share, A fellowship of pride we make our own, And ours alone.

And England's all we say, but framed Too big for shallow words to hold. We tell our bit and halt, ashamed, Feeling the things that can't be told; And so we're one and all in camp to-night, And come to fight.

* * * * *

"No judgment of recent years has aroused more widespread interest than that of Mr. Justice Bargrave Deane, in which he decided that the Slingsby baby was the son of his mother."--_Evening News._

Wonderful men our judges.

* * * * *

* * * * *

HOW TO DEAL WITH SUBMARINES.

["_The Syren and Shipping_ offers £500 to the captain, officers and crew of the first British merchant vessel which succeeds in sinking a German submarine."--_The Times._]

In order to assist captains of merchant ships to deal with raiding submarines, a few suggestions and comments, which it is hoped will be helpful, are offered by our Naval Expert.

In the absence of a 4·7 naval gun, a provision suggested as useful by a writer in _The Times_, any 13-inch shells that you happen to have on board might be hoisted over the side, disguised as bunches of bananas, and dropped on to the offending submarine. If this does not sink her at once, additional bunches should be dropped.

But before disposing of your shells be sure that your submarine is close alongside. In case she should hold off, let the first mate beckon to her, in a manner as nonchalant as possible, to come closer.

When the enemy boards your ship, the captain should endeavour to interest the boarding party with the latest war news from German bulletins, whilst the bo'sun, the second steward and the stewardess, with the aid of peashooters, pour liquid explosive down the submarine's periscope.

If you are fortunate enough to have on board one of those trained sea lions which have been showing for some years at the music-halls, you need not trouble to practise the subterfuges given above. On the enemy's submarine making her appearance on the starboard side you should lower your sea lion over the port side, preferably near the stern, having previously attached to it a bomb connected with wires to a battery. When the sea lion is close to the submarine just press the button. Possibly you will lose your pet, but the general result should be satisfactory.

Owing to unavoidable circumstances you may not be able to put into practice any of these hints. If that be so, when the enemy comes aboard, work up a heated discussion on the origin of the War. If skilfully managed, you should draw into the discussion the entire company of the submarine, with the result that you will make time and possibly be got out of your difficulty by one of our patrol ships.

Should all and every one of these expedients be useless, as a forlorn hope you should read aloud the appropriate clauses of the Hague Convention, and at the same time take the names and addresses of the boarding party for future reference.

If you have an amateur photographer aboard, let him get going. The payment made by illustrated papers for pictures that reproduce the sinking of your ship will probably exceed the value of the ship, so that in any case your owners will not lose by the deal.

But it is always best, where possible, to sink the submarine.

* * * * *

From a letter in _The Liverpool Echo_:--

"At a time like this we must be prepared to have our prejudices shattered. When the whole world has been turned upside down, is it fair that women should be left standing still?"

It is a delicate question, and the women must be left to take up their own position in the matter.

* * * * *

* * * * *

JOHNSON.

When the task of training scholars Johnson manfully essayed At a school whose Eton collars were the finest ever made, It was largely lack of dollars drove him to the teaching trade.

Nature meant, had Fate allowed, him to command a t.b.d., Both his parents gladly vowed him to the service of the sea, But the Navy doctors ploughed him for some _itis_ of the knee.

Yet, in spite of this embargo, he had spent each Oxford vac. In a tramp as supercargo or on board a fishing-smack, Till of sailors' lore and _argot_ he was full as he could pack.

In the sphere of gerund-grinding Johnson wasn't a success; Boys are overprone to finding fault with masters who transgress Rules which they consider binding in regard to form and dress.

Johnson's taste was always slightly _outré_ in his ties and caps; Furthermore he never rightly saw the fun of booby traps; And he clouted, none too lightly, boys who larked with watertaps.

Some considered him half-witted, or at best a harmless freak; Some reluctantly admitted that he knew a lot of Greek; All agreed he was unfitted for the calling of a "beak."

So, reluctantly returning to their mid-autumnal grind, Nearly all the boys, on learning Mr. Johnson had resigned, Showed the usual undiscerning acquiescence of their kind.

Thus he passed unmourned, unheeded, by nine boys in ev'ry ten, And as week to week succeeded, bringing Christmas near again, Quite a miracle was needed to recall him to their ken.

Deeds that merit lasting glory almost daily leap to light; But one morning brought a story which was "excellently bright," And the Head, _rotunda ore_, read it out in Hall that night.

'Twas a tale of nerve unshrinking--of a "sweeper" off the Tyne, Which had rescued from a sinking trawler, shattered by a mine, Though a submarine was slinking in her wake, a crew of nine.

Well, you won't be slow in guessing at the gallant skipper's name, Or from whom the most caressing message to the hero came-- Boys are generous in redressing wrongs for which they are to blame.

Johnson still continues "sweeping," in the best of trim and cheer, As indifferent to reaping laurels as immune from fear, While five hundred boys are keeping friendly watch on his career.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)

_House of Commons, Tuesday, 2nd February._--First business on resumption of sittings after Recess was issue of writ for election of Member for Shipley Division of Yorkshire to fill the seat of PERCY ILLINGWORTH, whose place on Treasury Bench and in Whips' Room will know him no more.

Herein a tragedy notable even amid absorbing interest of the War. When in last week of November House adjourned for recess, the CHIEF LIBERAL WHIP was in what seemed to be perfection of health. A little tired perhaps with exhausting labour of prolonged Session, but cheerily looking forward to interval of comparative rest. Physically and intellectually in the prime of life, he had happy constitutional turn of making the best of everything. A good sportsman, a famed footballer, healthy in mind and body, he habitually counteracted influence of sedentary life by outdoor exercise. If one had cast an eye round Benches on both sides and estimated which was the most likely man for whose county or borough a writ would, on reassembling of Parliament, be moved to fill vacancy created by his death, one would last of all have thought of PERCY ILLINGWORTH.

Two years ago selection by PRIME MINISTER of a young, comparatively unknown, inexperienced man to fill important post of Chief Ministerial Whip was regarded with some surprise. That shrewd judge of character and capacity as usual justified by the event, ILLINGWORTH speedily made his mark. Courteous in manner, frank in speech, swift and capable in control of circumstance, he gained, and in increasing measure maintained, that confidence and personal popularity indispensable to the successful Whip.

Pleasant for his many friends to think that he lived long enough to have conferred upon him a Privy Councillorship--a simple title, but good enough for PEEL and GLADSTONE, and for DIZZY throughout the plenitude of his prime.

It was not without emotion that GULLAND, promoted to the Chair in the Whips' Room vacated by his esteemed Leader, moved the writ. He was comforted and encouraged by hearty cheers, not wholly confined to Ministerial side, approving the PREMIER'S choice.

Full but not crowded attendance such as usually foregathers on opening days of the school at Westminster. Khaki-clad warriors moving about House and Lobbies with martial step suggested explanation of falling-off. Two hundred Members are at the Front on active service, a score or more engaged in civilian service in connection with the War.

Business brief, curiously lifeless. Only one Question on Printed Paper where in ordinary times not unusual to find two hundred. On motion for adjournment, made within twenty minutes of SPEAKER'S taking the Chair, number of desultory topics were introduced by way of cross-examination of Ministers. No disposition shown to pursue them in controversial mood. At 4.30 House adjourned.

_Business done._--Both Houses reassembled after Winter Recess. In Commons PREMIER announced that Government will take the whole time for official business. Private Members and their Bills thus shunted, it will not be necessary to meet on Fridays.

_Wednesday._--Gloom that lies like a pall over House momentarily lifted by unexpected agency. As at the circus when things are drifting into dullness the Clown suddenly enters, displacing monotony by merriment, so when Questions about enemy alien and the sacredness of the rights of private Members had droned along for some time Mr. GINNELL, who classifies himself as "an Independent Nationalist," presented himself from below Gangway. First distinguished himself above common horde on occasion of election of SPEAKER at opening sitting of present Parliament. The SPEAKER being as yet non-existent, the authority of the Chair undelegated, he had House at his mercy. Might talk as long as he pleased, say what he thought proper, with none to call him to order. Used opportunity to make violent personal attack on SPEAKER-DESIGNATE.

Up again now on same tack. Appears that yesterday he handed in at the Table two Bills he proposed to carry through. No record of the procedure on to-day's Paper. Mr. GINNELL smelt a rat. He "saw it moving in the air" in person of the SPEAKER, who was "perverting against the House powers conferred on him for the maintenance of its functions and its privileges." Mr. GINNELL not sort of man to stand this. Proposed to indict SPEAKER for misconduct. But not disposed to be unreasonable; always ready to oblige.

"If," he said, addressing the SPEAKER, "I should be out of order now, may I to-morrow call attention to your conduct in the Chair?"

SPEAKER cautiously replied that before ruling on the point he would like to see the terms of motion put down on the Paper.

Thereupon Mr. GINNELL proceeded to read a few remarks not entirely complimentary to the SPEAKER, which for greater accuracy he had written out on what PRINCE ARTHUR once alluded to as a sheet of notepaper. Holding this firmly with both hands, lest some myrmidon of the Chair should snatch it from him, he emphasised his points by bobbing it up and down between his chin and his knee. Whilst primarily denunciatory of the SPEAKER he had a word to say in reproof of PRIME MINISTER, whose concession to private Members of opportunity for an hour's talk on motion for adjournment he described as being "like cutting off a private Member's head, then clipping off a portion of his ear and throwing it to his relatives."

_Business done._--Without division House consented that Government business shall have precedence on every day the House sits. PREMIER in exquisite phrases lamented the early cutting-off of PERCY ILLINGWORTH, of whom he said: "No man had imbibed and assimilated with more zest and sympathy that strange, indefinable, almost impalpable atmosphere compounded of old traditions and of modern influences which preserves, as we all of us think, the unique but indestructible personality of the most ancient of the deliberative assemblies of the world."

Impossible more fully and accurately to describe that particular quality of the House of Commons which every one who intimately knows it feels but would hesitate to attempt to define.

_Thursday._--Noble Lords are studiously and successfully disposed to conceal passing emotion. Masters of themselves though China fall, even should it drag down with it Japan and Korea. Return of Lord LANSDOWNE after prolonged bout of illness, an event so popular that it broke through this iron shield of hereditary conventionality. His reappearance welcomed from both sides with hearty cheer, in volume more nearly approaching House of Commons habit than what is familiar in the Lords.

LEADER OF OPPOSITION is unquestionably one of the most highly esteemed among Peers. There have been crises in history of present Parliament when, through attitude taken by extreme partisans, he has found himself in difficult situation. Invariably circumvented it. Without making pretension to be a Parliamentary orator--pretension of any kind is foreign to his nature--he has the gift of saying the right thing in appropriate words at the proper moment. Looks a little worn down with long seclusion in sick chamber. But, as the House noticed with satisfaction gracefully reflected by Lord CREWE, "is unimpaired in his power of Parliamentary expression."

This afternoon, to debate on Lord PARMOOR'S Bill amending Defence of Realm Act he contributed a weighty speech instinct with sound constitutional principles.

_Business done._--In Commons MCKENNA found opportunity of refuting by statement of simple facts circumstantial fables about Home Office patronage of ex-German waiters. Supplementary Estimates for Civil Service voted. House counted out at 5.40. Adjourned till Monday.

* * * * *

* * * * *

ST. VALENTINE'S DAY, 1915.

_A Missive from the Front._

Ere the first grey dawn has banished Restless night and her alarms, When the sleeper's snores have vanished On the order "Stand to arms!" When the sky is bleak and dreary And the rain is chill and thin, Be I ne'er so damp and weary, Yet my thoughts on You I pin.

When the bullets fly unheeded O'er the meagre parapet, As I pace my ditch impeded By the squelching mud and wet; When I eat my Army ration With my fingers caked in clay-- You can stake your total cash on Me remembering You this day.

Though the glittering knight whose charger Bore him on his lady's quest With an infinitely larger Share of warfare's pomp was blest, Yet he offered love no higher, No more difficult to quench, Than this filthy occupier Of an unromantic trench.

* * * * *

* * * * *

A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.

IV.

MY DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--In case you formed any mental pictures of my first Christmas as a Territorial in India, let me hasten to assure you that every single one of them was wrong. I neither took part in the uproarious festivities of the Barracks nor shared the more dignified rejoicings of the Staff Office in which I am condemned for a time to waste my military talents. An unexpected five days' holiday, and a still more unexpected windfall of Rs. 4 as a Christmas Box (fabulous gift for an impecunious private) enabled me to pay a visit to some relatives, who live at, well ----. One has to be careful. The Germans are getting desperate, and they would give worlds to know exactly where I am.