Chapter 2

Many difficulties have had to be surmounted. For instance it was found that, in spite of training students, proceeding to the front showed hesitation in the execution of non-combatants, and grew pale on first hearing the cries of women and children. This difficulty is being obviated by means of gramophone records taken in Belgium, which serve to inure the novice to the sounds of anguish. By the time he proceeds to the front no cries for mercy have any power to move him.

LITERAE INHUMANIORES.

The curriculum is extensive. In addition to regular musketry practice at moving and stationary Red Cross waggons, hospital bomb drill, etc., courses of lectures are being given by thinkers of the first eminence. Some of the most celebrated names on the contemporary record of German culture are to be found in our staff list. During the coming term, for instance, Dr. Junker, of the BERNHARDI School of Philosophy, will give a series of discourses on "The Evolution of the Doctrine of Blood and Iron," "Infantile Mortality and its Promotion," "Philosophic Doubts regarding the Value of Mercy," illustrated by photographs taken in Louvain; and a course of lectures on "The Debt of Art to Atrocity" will be delivered by Professor Blutwurst, who occupies the ATTILA Chair of Anatomy in the University of Leipzig.

RECREATION.

The proper recreation of students is not neglected and sports are encouraged. Paper chases are held frequently, the paper torn up for the trail being provided by the courtesy of the Foreign Office, who supply the College with all treaties found upon their shelves.

RECORDS IN BRUTALITY.

The Principal desires it to be known that he will always be glad to hear from past students now serving with the Imperial Forces who have performed any notable act of inhumanity towards non-combatants.

* * * * *

Illustration: _Teutonic Barber._ "SHAFE, SIR?"

_Customer._ "YE-ES---- THAT IS, NO!---- I THINK I'LL TRY A HAIR-CUT."

* * * * *

THE OUTPOST.

The lurid sunset's slanting rays Incarnadine the soldier's deed; His rugged countenance betrays The bulldog breed.

Not his to shun the stubborn fight, The combat against heavy odds, Alone, unaided--'tis a sight For men and gods!

And now his back is bowed and bent, Now crouching, now erect, he stands, And now the red life blood is sprent From both his hands.

He takes his punishment on trust, As one who sees and yet is blind, For every lacerating thrust Comes from behind.

The twilight creeps, the sun has gone, But triumph fills the soldier's breast; He's sewn his back brace-buttons on While fully dressed!

* * * * *

JAMES FEELS BETTER.

THE Sergeant-Major was speaking.

"Company--'SHUN!"

We 'shunned. We stood motionless (all but one of us) waiting for his next words. Then he spoke again.

"Blank blanket," he yelled, "what the blank are you doing?" He was looking at me, and my heart was in my mouth. "Blanket," he went on, "if you want to scratch your nose, step out here and scratch it. My blank!" My heart dropped back again. He must be talking to James behind me. I longed to look round and watch the generous waves of colour stealing over James's classic features, to fix with a reproachful eye that Roman proboscis which he had been grooming; but duty, or natural integrity of character, or fear of the Sergeant-Major, or something, held me fast.

"Company--dis-MISS!"

We turned to the right and I took James affectionately by the arm. "How's the neb?" I said.

And then James told me what he thought of the Sergeant-Major.

"Pretty good rot," he said, "talking like that to a man in my position. Cursing a married man with a family as if he were a rotten schoolboy. If I met him in ordinary life he'd say 'Sir' to me--probably ask me for a job, and go about in a holy fear that I was going to sack him."

"Discipline, James," I said. "Think how good it is for you to be ordered about for a change. And think how jolly it must be for the Sergeant-Major to swear at well-known public men. Don't grudge him his little bit of pleasure. And finally, think how stimulating it is for the rest of us. I assure you, James, there's nothing more bracing to a man than to hear another man being cursed."

James muttered to himself. We lit our pipes and sat down among some other members of our platoon. James was silent, but we others talked eagerly about the difference between "Right form" and "On the right form company," and other matters which had suddenly become of great importance.

"Let's go and have a little private drill," said one of the keen ones.

"It'll only turn into a rag," I said.

"But of course we shall have to agree to take it seriously and obey orders. Who'll come?"

About ten of us offered ourselves. I looked at James; to my surprise he jumped up quickly. We went off to a corner of the field, and lined up two deep.

"And now who'll drill us?" said James.

We all hung back nervously. To obey an order as one of ten is so much easier than to give an order as one of one.

"I will, if you like," said James doubtfully, "but I'm not sure if----"

"Go on," we all said; "have a try."

James stepped out of the ranks and faced us.

"Cover off, there," he said briskly. "Squad--_'shun_!" We were five files, and I was No. 3 in the front rank. "Stand at--_ease_ ... Number Three, what the blank are you smoking for? Number Three--the stout one in the front rank. Put that pipe away, Private Haldane. Blanket, Sir, this isn't a Cabinet meeting; you're drilling."

"Steady, James, old man," I said.

"Silence in the ranks! Two days cells for Private Haldane--both of them week-days. 'Shun! Number!... Form _fours_!"

We formed fours. Of course it is absurdly easy, even with an odd number of files, but it is also absurdly easy to forget.

"As you were!" shouted James. "The last file is always an even number. Surely you ought to know that by this time, Private Kitchener. The fourth file--Private Asquith and Private Tree, chest out, Private Tree--the fourth file stands fast. 'Form _fours_! Right _turn_! Form two _deep_! 'Bout _turn_! Form _fours_! I thought so; Private Tree is wrong again. _Silence_, Private Haldane! Private Haldane will be shot at dawn to-morrow. Private Tree will be shot at dawn on the day after, this giving him time to prepare his farewell speech. Right _turn_! Where _are_ you, Private Carson? Try and remember that you're not reviewing troops just now; you're attempting to decide as quickly as possible which is your right hand and which is your left. You'll find it a much harder job. The Army Corps will advance. By the right, quick _march_! Step out, Private Tich, my lad, step out."

James was now thoroughly enjoying himself.

"Left _incline_! Theirs not to reason why, Private Kipling; if I had meant 'right incline, and stop at the canteen,' I should have said so.... Tut-tut, Private Tree, 'left incline' doesn't mean 'advance like a crab'.... Right _incline_! And now where are you, Private Masterman? Left behind _again_. Halt! Dress up by the right. Blanket, Private Haldane, you're _still_ talking. Private Haldane will be blown from the guns at dusk. As you were. It's no good taking half measures with Private Haldane; kindness is wasted on him. Private Haldane will be stopped jam for tea this afternoon."

And then a smile came over James's face. He repressed it, drew himself up, and surveyed us sternly.

"Squad, _'shun_! Scratch--_noses_!"

* * *

"Thank you, I feel much better," said James.

A. A. M.

* * * * *

DISCOVERERS' RIGHTS.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Unless the blackberrying season is to be utterly ruined and thousands of homes thus rendered poisonously unhappy, something must be done to make people play the game.

Why is it that this simple little fruit should have such a bad influence on otherwise nice persons? But it has. It makes them utterly selfish and inconsiderate.

Take our experience last week on the Common. We went out with baskets--three of us--Elsa, Dolores, and me, and, after hunting about for some time and getting fearfully scratched, we came upon a perfectly priceless group of bushes which no one had discovered.

The blackberries were there in millions, ripe too, and all sparkling in that patent-leather way which makes the mouth water and prevents as many getting into the basket as ought to. We were of course fearfully bucked by finding such a spot, and began at once in earnest. Judge then of our dismay when another party of blackberriers, attracted, I imagine, by our cries of rapture, came up and began picking too! These were the two Misses Blank, whom we know very slightly. They ought, of course, to have gone right away and done their own discovering. Instead of that they just nodded, and then snatched away at our bushes as though they were in their own garden. One of them even came up to a bush on which Elsa was engaged. What was she to do? She could not remonstrate, as we knew them so slightly, so she abandoned the bush with a gesture of contempt which should have made a dummy blush, but had no effect whatever on these thick-skinned Prussians, as we now believe they must be. Probably their real name is Fressen, Elsa thinks.

Common decency (I don't mean this for a joke, but I suppose it is one) should prevent anybody from going to a place discovered by somebody else; and why I write is to ask you if there is not an unwritten law against such conduct, and if so will you make it widely known?

It would be dreadful if all the blackberrying parties during this September and October were to be ruined by people like the Misses Fressen.

I am, Yours faithfully, FAIR PLAY.

* * * * *

Illustration: BY REQUEST.

_Visitor (to Percy of "The Mauve Merriments.")_ "WHAT WOULD YOU CHARGE TO SING 'IT'S A LONG WAY TO TIPPERARY' INTO AUNTIE'S EAR-TRUMPET?"

* * * * *

THE GREAT CAMPAIGN.

The formal declaration of war (altogether unexpected by the best minds of the community, though the opposing armies had been mobilised for a month previously), came like a bolt from the blue on September 1st. In an instant the whole country was engaged in sanguinary conflict. We give with reserve the following reports which have reached us from our correspondents at the front:--

CIVILIANS IN THE BATTLE LINE.

On the north-eastern frontier a keen encounter occurred between the famous Albion South End Corps and an invading division of the redoubtable Cockspur troops. Fifteen thousand spectators from posts of vantage round the field witnessed the fearful onslaught of the enemy. Civilians were so moved by the imminent peril of the home troops that, arming themselves with stones and bottles, and shouting "----" (excised by Censor), they flung themselves on the wings of the invading army and utterly routed them. It is rumoured that the Cockspurs contemplate reprisals. In the event of the South End Corps invading their country it is believed that all civilians will fight to the death against the invader.

THE OLD BRITISH SPIRIT.

Thrilling scenes were witnessed at the opening of the Ealham Thursday campaign. A huge crowd, thirsting for a sight of the conflict, gathered in the confines of the battlefield. A force of blue-clad mercenaries held them in check for a time. But thirty thousand volunteers are worth more than a hundred paid men. With magnificent unanimity the Britons formed in column. The dense black mass pressed forward. For a moment the conflict was fearful. Then the thin blue line of the mercenaries gave way and they fled in disgraceful rout. A moment later thirty thousand unconquerable Britons, laden with booty from the pay-boxes, stood triumphant on the shilling reserved mound. That wonderful charge had captured the position.

OUTRAGES ON NON-COMBATANTS.

We record with deep regret a violation of the laws of war by the General of the Shatterham Wanderers army. In the heat of the combat with the Notts Strollers brigade he ignored the whistled appeal for an armistice to pick up the wounded. Proceeding steadily he fired a deadly shot into the enemy's fortifications. A neutral officer, under the protection of the Red Cross, courageously protested against this infamy. In an excess of military fury the General smote the neutral officer to the earth. It is believed that, unless the offending General be instantly submitted to a regular court-martial, the Shatterham Wanderers' army will be solemnly declared outside the pale of humanity. (NOTE.--The Censor allows the foregoing account to be printed but disclaims all responsibility for its correctness.)

BRILLIANT RECRUITING CAMPAIGN.

Great weakness has been observed amongst the advanced sharpshooters of the Bullington Arsenal corps. "We must have men at any cost," said their determined Secretary. A cheering crowd attended him to the station as he set out for ---- (excision by the Censor), accompanied by two commissionaires bearing armoured bags of bullion. A rumour reaches us that at the cost of four thousand pounds the Secretary has secured two famous shots. Great anxiety is felt in Bullington. Crowds gather round the headquarters of the corps and ask, "Will they come in time?"

LATER.--A wire from Scotland confirms the news. The Union Jack is flying over the headquarters. It is felt that the great recruiting campaign has saved Britain.

* * * * *

Illustration: "HELLO, MARIA! STOPPED SEWING FOR TO-DAY?"

"YES, SAMPSON. I THINK THERE IS MORE NEED OF MEN THAN OF PYJAMAS. I HAVE DECIDED TO PART WITH YOU, AND SHALL GIVE YOU TO LORD KITCHENER--MYSELF! GET YOUR HAT ON."

* * * * *

THE TIRPITZ TOUCH.

(_A new nautical ballad._)

They faced the winds, the waves, the fogs, For they were a gallant band, And they ventured forth, the bold sea dogs, From the bight of Heligoland.

Six ships of war they steamed along, Audacious and yet discreet, When lo! on the skyline, fifteen strong, They sighted another fleet.

Oh! theirs was indeed a perilous choice, 'Twas a case of fight or flee, When the captain cried in a resolute voice, "Let us fight, my lads," cried he.

"Long have we panted to come to grips, And here we shall gain our wish; Moreover, I fancy that yonder ships Have nothing on board but fish."

Then up spake a grizzled _Goeben_ lad, "We be far from land or fort; I should feel more safe if I knew we had A battleship in support."

"There be six of us, and fifteen of them; Have a care while the odds are thus; We may rake 'em with shell from stern to stem, But they might throw herrings at us."

The captain he said, "Take heart of grace; There's many a risk to run; A herring's an awkward thing to face, But it's not so bad as a gun."

"My mariners all, be not afraid To venture on bold designs; Remember ye come of the stock that made The North Sea stiff with mines."

"So clear the decks for a scrap, my braves, Since fight ye must and shall, Like sons of the men who rule the waves, The waves of the Kiel Canal."

So all that day they fought and drank Of the battle's fierce delight, And blazed and blazed away till they sank Those trawling boats ere night.

Then they steamed away, Yeo ho! Yeo ho! Brave men who had gained their wish, With lots of captives of war in tow, And any amount of fish.

* * * * *

The Distinction.

"The members of the Cheltenham Club do not play on Sundays; the ladies and gentlemen of the Cotswold Hills Club do play on the Sabbath."--_The Homefinder._

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Illustration: HAIL! RUSSIA!

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Illustration: THE LAST OF THE NUTS OF SANDY COVE;

OR, HOW TO MAKE USE OF OUR STAY-AT-HOMES.

_Lady in the background (also engaged in making night-wear for the wounded)._ "I SAY! I WONDER IF YOU WOULD BE SO GOOD AS TO LEND HIM TO US WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED WITH HIM."

* * * * *

Illustration: THE RT. HON. JOHN BURNS FAILS TO RECOGNISE HIS PORTRAIT AS PAINTED BY A GERMAN PRESS AGENCY ARTIST.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)

_House of Commons, Wednesday, Sept. 9._--Parliament met again after brief recess. Compared with recent rushes at critical epochs, attendance scanty. Among absentees the SPEAKER, who has well earned the holiday deferred by exigencies of war.

PREMIER in place at Question time. Did not stop long. Expected to make statement on position and prospects of Home Rule and Welsh Church Bills. As his magnificent speech at Guildhall testified afresh, when occasion arises he can say the right thing in perfect phrase. Constitutionally is disinclined to talk.

No absolute need to make preliminary statement. Everyone knows these matters are settled; nor are details of settlement a secret. Prorogation will be decreed early next week, and, in accordance with provisions of Parliament Act, Home Rule Bill and Welsh Church Disestablishment Bill will be added to Statute Book. But an interval will elapse before they become operative, an opportunity to be used for final effort to arrive at compromise between conflicting parties.

Proceedings, in the main formal, varied by reading of statement from VICEROY describing how chiefs and people of India are each all one in enthusiastic loyalty in the hour of England's need, and how lavish are their offers of help. Reading of Eastern story received with outbursts of cheering.

"No one to say a good word for the Scourge of Louvain. But let us give the----, I mean the KAISER, his due. At a stroke he effected the long-time impossible feat of welding Ireland into a loyal entity enthusiastically ready to draw the sword in aid of its long-estranged Sister across the Channel. Less than a year ago India was in state of ominous unrest that found partial expression in attempt on life of VICEROY. The KAISER, secretly plotting treacherous design on a friend and neighbour accustomed to lavish hospitality upon him, took note of these things. Confidently counted them in when reckoning up his game, and arranging time and opportunity for opening it. And lo! when he stands unmasked, he finds among the trustiest wings of the Empire's Army those supplied by India and Ireland." Thus the MEMBER FOR SARK mused on his way to the Club to read the latest telegrams from the seat of war.

_Business done._--Various emergency Bills advanced a stage.

_Thursday._--Five weeks ago, when Declaration of War with Germany boomed across Europe, PREMIER asked the Commons to sanction increase of Army by half-a-million men. Reply enthusiastically affirmative. To-day comes down again and, like a young person who shall here be nameless, "asks for more."

National response to recruitment of first batch most gratifying. Save 60,000 men the half-million already enrolled. At present rate of progress another couple of days or so will see number completed. Meanwhile PREMIER asks for another half-million.

These forthcoming, and in present mood of nation there is no doubt on subject, "We shall be in a position," he added, "to put something like 1,200,000 men in the field," a sight that would make WELLINGTON, not to mention MARLBOROUGH, stare.

With that patriotic zeal that has marked attitude of Opposition since war began BONAR LAW warmly supported proposal. Vote agreed to without debate or division.

_Business done._--Having voted additional half-million men for Army, House adjourned till Monday.

* * * * *

AT THE PLAY.

"BLUFF KING HAL."

The arrangements for the production of Mr. LOUIS PARKER'S pageant-comedy had of course been made long before war was contemplated. The completion of Mr. BOURCHIER'S beard in itself points to a comparatively remote date for the play's inception. Certainly there is nothing very apposite in its theme at the present juncture; for HARRY OF ENGLAND, suffering from the gout, blustering into a sixth marriage, and haunted by the ghosts of four dead wives and the wraith of the sole survivor, is not a figure precisely calculated to inspire patriotic fervour. Still, the circumstances of the play are sufficiently national, and it should serve well enough as a permissible distraction for non-combatants.

You need not be terrified by the complexity of the cast, which consists of twenty prominent characters, twenty-four in smaller type, four ghosts and a wraith, and a sprinkling of nameless "halberdiers, huntsmen, minstrels, servitors, etc." (The soldier-supers--a type not to be confused with the super-soldier--were a very scratch lot; and I must hope that this defect was due to the enlistment of the more martial spirits in the profession.) The history of the period is made easy for all intelligences, and the relations of _Katharine Parr_ with her lover, _Sir Thomas Seymour_, furnish a clear thread of human interest.

It was pleasant to make the acquaintance of two future Queens--_Mary_ and _Elizabeth_--at the less familiar stages of girlhood. _Mary_, very nicely played by Miss MINA LEONESI, showed no sign of her subsequent taste for blood; but Miss KATHLEEN JONES, in the part of the pedantic little _Princess Elizabeth_, gave us some very happy premonitions of the domineering qualities of the Virgin Queen. The tiny _Prince Edward_, too, who was prepared to compose an epithalamium for his royal parent's final wedlock, already gave promise of a scholarly career. Apart, however, from the charm of Miss VIOLET VANBRUGH as _Katharine Parr_, and the gentle dignity of Miss ALICE LONNON as _Anne Askew_, there was little distinction shown by the others, though the _Lord Chancellor Wriothesley_ of Mr. HUMPHREYS, and Mr. BURTON'S _Bishop Gardiner_, conducted their villainies with a proper restraint.

The honours of the evening obviously went to Mr. HUGO RUMBOLD, who devised the admirable scenery and costumes, and to Mr. BOURCHIER in the title-_role_. By nature and constitution he is clearly made for this part of all others. Occasionally, in asides, his voice was the voice of Mr. BOURCHIER, but for the rest he identified himself with the undefeatable _Hal_. I hope he may be persuaded to retain the monarch's beard as a permanent feature; for, as a finished product, it suits him well in private life; and, if he is to make a practice of playing the part of _Henry VIII._, whether to the words of SHAKSPEARE or Mr. PARKER, I would not, for his own sake and that of his many friends, have him renew the horrific processes of its growth.

O. S.

"THE IMPOSSIBLE WOMAN."

The joy of _Tante_ (from which novel Mr. HADDON CHAMBERS has adapted this play) was that many chapters went by before the reader realised that _Madame Okraska_ was indeed an impossible woman. One began by liking her; went on to criticise; decided that she wasn't so nice as the author intended her to be; and then discovered suddenly that she wasn't intended to be a sympathetic character at all, and that, in fact, our changing attitude towards her had been just the changing attitude which would have been ours in real life. That was Miss ANNE DOUGLAS SEDGWICK'S art. She took her time. Mr. CHAMBERS on the stage has not the time to take.